And finally, New Rule, now that everyone has ChatGPT and the AI train is off and running and it's been decided that it won't be regulated, we have to be honest with ourselves about the positives and negatives. Positive, it could figure out how to cure mortality and I could be doing this show on the moon. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Okay, that's one for the positive column, but have you been reading about some of the downsides?
Of course not, because people don't read anymore. They let the chatbot do all their reading for them, and then they ask it, "What's up? " And trust it's telling the truth, which sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't.
But what it always is is a fucking ass-kisser. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You literally cannot ask it a question so stupid it won't tell you, "Great question! " (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) "Can I drink milk if it's lumpy?
" "Great question! " (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) "Do baby carrots miss their mommies? " "You bring up an excellent point!
" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) "Why does my dog tell me to kill? " 'That's an important topic! " (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But, you know, I can only blame AI so much for this bullshit, because for years now, our extremely needy population has been demanding to be emotionally jerked off by every single thing, human and non-human, we come into contact with.
I was out to dinner the other night, and as always, I ordered, and the waiter said, "Great choice, sir. " (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Thank you, I feel so much better. I'm not like those other losers who got the fish.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(BILL MAHER SCOFFS) I have a little. . .
(CLEARS THROAT) I have a little device that sits on my desk, and it tells me what the air quality is inside and outside the house. And when it's good, it says, "Congratulations, you've achieved excellent air quality. " -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Well, thank you.
That is. . .
That is kind of you to say. And I must say, it's nice to be recognized for all the hard work I put in on the air. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Does everyone really need this much smoke blown up their ass that they can't go five minutes without being told how great they are by the toaster?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) -Your. . .
(CHUCKLES) Your Apple Watch fitness app tells you, "You smashed it today! " (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) The self-checkout screen says, "Wow, you're a super saver! " (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) On Waze, it leads you directly to your destination, and when you get there, it congratulates you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) When you go to the ATM on your birthday, fireworks on the screen. What, did I. .
. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -. .
. just win the Super Bowl? -Fuck!
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Duolingo, that's the app that teaches you a foreign language, never stops feeding you a steady stream of deranged brown-nosing like, "You're unstoppable! " (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) "You're on fire. " On fire?
I just conquered "por favor," I'm not Benson Boone. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) -I mean. .
. (CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Christ. This needing to constantly surround yourself with sycophants, bootlickers, and yes-men.
Gosh, who does that remind me of? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING) -(CHUCKLES) A few years ago, I got a home workout machine that comes with an app with videos of trainers taking you through 45-minute programs. You know, "Do this, do that, pick this thing up, pull this thing like this.
" You know, a workout program. And that's all I wanted, a workout program. But every two minutes, the trainer has to tell me, "You're a winner.
" (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) "You're a warrior. " Oh, shut the fuck up and just tell me what's next. "Warrior.
" I didn't blow up the Death Star. I rode a boat to nowhere in my living room. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) How can I work on my ass if you won't stop kissing it?
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) -(CHUCKLES) No wonder we see so many articles written about how relationships are being ruined because one partner or the other falls in love with their AI companion. Because why listen to some other human. .
. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -. .
. who nags you and has needs and thoughts different than yours when everything else in your life is set on worship? -(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) -Ani is the new chatbot from Elon Musk's AI company and, oh, she takes ass-kissing to a whole new level.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Calling you "my love" and saying, "I missed you," and, "What's the energy today, love? " "Tell me everything. " -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(CHUCKLES) Hey kids, you do know this bitch isn't real, right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) BILL: No. No, that's the problem. They don't.
According to a new study by the chatbot company Joi AI, eighty percent of Gen Zers say they would marry an AI. So, we're already there. They've created the perfect hooker for a generation that's too afraid to talk to a real one.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) (SIGHS) Frankly, I don't know what Ani sees in them. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But, you know, it's not just the younger generation. (CHUCKLES) Mea culpa.
I recently availed myself of the services of Cologuard, which, for lack of a better description, is a kind of a home version of a colonoscopy, instead of having someone stick a camcorder up your ass. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Which, I also recommend. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) With Cologuard, you just.
. . gather your shit and send it to a lab.
-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) -I know, it's disgusting, but think of the poor guy who has to sit there all day and open boxes of other people's shit. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I was. .
. I was tempted to put a diamond in mine just so the guy has a little hope. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Oh, my God, sometimes there's a diamond in it.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) -Anyway. . .
Anyway, point is, there's a brief instruction book, and at the end, I swear to God, it says, "Nicely done. You're all set to ship! " (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You're congratulating me for putting my shit in a box?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Oh, all hail me, I'm number one at collecting number two. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You know what? -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) -(CHUCKLES) I.
. . I don't want to live in this world where the bar is always this low.
We don't need another chatbot that's an obsequious little prick -saying, "Great question. " -(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) We need. .
. We need one that says, "I can't believe you asked that. " "It's a good thing you ran it by me first.
. . " (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) ".
. . before you said it out loud to an actual person because that was some really stupid shit.
" (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) I don't want cheap, empty praise. I wanna earn my ass kiss in the old-fashioned way, by turning on the applause sign.
