He Protected Her While I Sacrificed Everything. Reborn, I Avoided Him At All Costs

coming back from my previous life I decided to avoid every opportunity to cross paths with Ethan Jong this time around when he said he wasn't going home for the holidays I packed my bags and returned to the Village alone when he helped Lucy snow rent a place next door I moved out when he chose to stay and work at the University I applied to a school in the Northwest in my last life even when I was old even our children urged me to divorce him they said it was so he and Lucy could finally be

together after death as their tragic love story deserved as I stared at the acceptance letter in my hand tears almost fell no one knew I had been reborn at the very last moment I had changed my University application to the Northwest Institute of Technology even my teacher was surprised didn't you say your fiance was staying at the University how could he wait for you if you go so far away I smiled and replied brightly it's the era of free love now childhood betro are just remnants of a feudal society completely outdated the teacher seemingly impressed

by my resolve patted my shoulder with approval leaving the school I followed the crowd toward home in my last life I didn't even attend University my wedding to Ethan was just a few days away and shortly after I had a child that was the end of my education Ethan stayed at the University for a while before joining the Army from then on we lived SE separate lives he climbed the ranks and wherever he went Lucy snow and her daughter followed I on the other hand was trapped in a small corner of the world caring for

his parents and raising our children I watched my kids grow once clinging to me but eventually drifting closer to their father one day I even learned about Ethan and Lucy's daughter's wedding to my son threw a photo from a friend after the ceremony had taken place the picture showed Lucy and Ethan smiling warmly as they watched their daughter-in-law po tea for them my own son had urged me to divorce Ethan more than once mom dad has suffered his whole life if it weren't for you he would have been with my mother-in-law long ago you two

aren't a good match why won't you let go even my daughter-in-law refused to see me what could I do I wasn't willing to let go I couldn't forget the sleepless nights I spent caring for his paralyzed parents or rushing Barefoot through the night when my child was sick only to find him entertaining Lucy and her daughter elsewhere everyone said we weren't a good match everyone blamed me for not letting go but when I looked in the mirror at the weary aged face staring back I couldn't help but feel defiant even if it cost me my

life I would drag them all down with me in the end I died after yet another fight with my son about divorcing Ethan my heart attack came as he stormed out slamming the door without a backward glance I called for him but he didn't turn back that moment I regretted it all why had I given birth to him why had I wasted my life like this but now I've been given a second chance I'm back to before my marriage to Ethan and everything can be changed when I got home I hid my acceptance letter and

started cooking the two-bedroom apartment was one of Ethan's perks from work while the food simmered I circled the date on the calendar for my University reporting day with the red pen staring at the Mark date my heart filled with hope soon very soon I would be free when dinner was ready Ethan came home as expected with Lucy snow and her child in toe sorry to bother you again Lucy said smiling sweetly in her bright red coat her Alabaster skin glowing the little girl clearly accustomed to the routine gleefully rushed to serve the food One Bowl

for herself one for Ethan one for Lucy none for me when I emerged from the kitchen the three of them were chatting happily like a picture perfect family but as soon as they tasted the food they spat it out Mommy it's so salty the child exclaimed leaning against the door frame I watched Ethan scramble to pour soup for them only to find it CER than the food in tears Lucy whispered it seems your wife doesn't welcome me here I'll stop coming in the future Ethan walked her to the door when he returned he frowned at

me I ignored him and went back to the kitchen to prepare a fresh meal you did that on purpose he said his voice laced with confusion Lucy's husband died and asked me to look after her and her daughter your cooking is great and the child likes it before he could finish I interrupted with silence after a moment he sighed and said fine if you don't like it I won't invite them over again the next day after Ethan left for work I started packing my bags I planed to return to the Village soon since our families

had exchanged tokens and birth dates for the betrothal I needed to formally break the engagement with Witnesses present to avoid complications later as I packed I came across the embroidered bedding I had worked on in secret for years I thought for a moment grabbed a bag and packed everything embroidered pillowcases new shoes I had crafted and other belongings I walked to the pawn shop at the End of the Street the embroidery that had taken me years to complete sold for 30 Yuan it wasn't much but at University every penny counts for meals and Necessities I

set the money aside ready to save it for the future back home I marked another large x on today's date in the calendar just 20 days left in 20 days I'd leave this place and embark on my new life Ethan returned late that night the food I have prepared remained untouched I ate at school he offered as an off-hand explanation but the faint scent of white tea perfume clinging to him told me otherwise he had eaten yes but likely with Lucy snow and her daughter knowing he'd offend me by eating here he opted to dine

with them elsewhere before coming home I quietly cleaned up the dishes and returned to my room inside were stacks of my high school books and notes some spilling over into the living room due to lack of space I tied up the books in my room with string planning to sort the living room items after Ethan left the next day if I was leaving none of my things should remain here as I packed I heard a knock on the door I knew it was Ethan he was always polite never entering my room without my permission what

is it I asked unwilling to let him see me packing there was a moment of silence before he replied I was writing the marriage report is the 9th of next month okay for the weding date the 9th of next month the same day we had married in my previous life I glanced at my neatly packed belongings marriage is a big deal I said calmly I'll check with my family tomorrow before giving you an answer another pause then I heard his footsteps retreating down the hall relieved I leaned against the bed technically given Ethan's current position

he didn't need family approval to file a marriage report my parents were gone and his his family had taken me in due to our childhood betrothal to everyone else I was already part of the Jong family this marriage report was just a formality after all Ethan was attractive capable and kind to me anyone could see that I had long since fallen for him I owed the Jong family but I had already spent a lifetime repaying that debt I didn't owe them anymore this time I would walk my own path a path without Ethan Jong the

next morning to my surprise Ethan had prepared breakfast fried eggs and eight treasure porridge my favorites in three years of living here he had rarely done this I sat silently at the table the clinking of utensils the only sound I'll take a leave of absence and go back with you Ethan suddenly said breaking the silence startled I instinctively shook my head I'll drive you back it's not safe for you to go alone he said frowning I was about to refuse when a little girl ran through the door Godfather she had pink butterfly bows in her

hair and Dove straight into Ethan's arms yyan why are you here where's your mom Ethan asked glancing toward the door yyan looked up at me hesitantly mom said Auntie doesn't like her so she didn't dare come I stared silently at the little girl who in my past life married my son yet never once appeared in front of me though she was only three her beauty was already apparent no wonder my son for years younger than her had woried her and her mother as though they were deities as expected Ethan quickly left with nyen saying Lucy

wasn't feeling well without another word to me he rushed out the door with the child I chuckled bitterly at least now I didn't have to come up with an excuse to go back on my own I picked up a pen and marked another large x on today's date in the calendar 19 days to go I spent the day organizing the rest of my belongings tying up my notebooks textbooks and exams once everything was sorted I sold them for 13 Yuan and headed back to the Village today I would end the engagement between Ethan and me

the young Elders had always treated me well but convincing them to cancel the engagement wouldn't be too hard all I needed to do was tell them Ethan's future was bright and I wasn't a suitable match for him the village Courtyard was quiet the air heavy and still a bonfire crackled in the yard mosquitoes swirling in its heat I pressed tobacco leaves under a wooden plank and sliced them finely with a hatchet the elders sat silently on the doorstep after a while they sighed deeply and tried to reason with me aru even if he has someone

else in his heart you're engaged to him if he dares not marry I'll straighten him out myself your parents left you in our care before they passed we can't just stand by and watch you make such a decision when I remained silent they exchanged glances resigned you're so stubborn fine letun go to the Brigade I followed them quietly the Brigade issued us a certificate nullifying the engagement and in the presence of several Elders we exchanged the tokens given during our betrothal relieved I helped the young Elders back home I knew they only wanted what was

best for me by all accounts Ethan was a prized match even his parents couldn't understand why I insisted on ending the engagement but I couldn't explain it to them I couldn't tell them that in my past life I had suffered enough that even the only child I bore was given to Lucy snow making them a family while I lived alone the engagement was officially cancelled the Leons everk kind said from now on you're our daughter I didn't mention that I was going to the Northwest for school but I stayed with the leang elders for half

a month before leaving when it was time to go Mr Leong walked me all the way to the Village entrance endlessly reminding me to treat their home as my own and to visit often it wasn't until I arrived at the town to buy my ticket that I found they had slipped 200 yuan into my bag tears streamed down my face uncontrollably when I returned to Ethan's apartment the first thing I did was Mark 15 bold red XS on the calendar only 4 days left just four more days I was carrying my luggage to my room

when when I heard the door open Ethan had just returned from work accompanied as usual by Lucy snow and Yin Yen you're back Ethan said sounding surprised Lucy gave me a polite nod before turning and walking straight into my room I frowned as she casually closed the door behind her leaving my things stacked haphazardly in the living room I glanced at Ethan he hesitated for a moment then explained it's been raining heavily and Lucy's place has a leak roof she'll be staying here for 2 days since you weren't around and don't have much stuff I

let her use your room so you think it's okay to clear out my belongings and give my room to someone else without my permission I asked keeping my tone neutral Ethan paused then added I moved your things into my room you can stay with me for now as he spoke he opened the door to his room by the way where are all your books there's barely anything left here I looked at the small bundle he had set on the bedside table and pressed my lips together letting it go I replied indifferently the college entrance exams

are over there's no point keeping the books so I sold them Ethan frowned even after the exams you might still need them later why sell them I said nothing and after a moment of silence he changed the subject so what did your family say I hesitated briefly then replied they had someone check the dates and the ninth isn't a good time we'll have to discuss it later this was the excuse I had agreed upon with the Leong Elders to buy myself more time once I left in a few days I'd explain everything to Ethan Ethan

didn't seem suspicious he simply nodded and muttered looks like I'll have to pick a new date with that he left the room saying he would make dinner and that I should rest at the desk by the window I noticed the marriage report Ethan had been filling out only the date was left blank my gaze lingered on it for a moment before I pulled myself together and got up to help however as I approached the kitchen I overheard the faint sound of conversation outside Ethan's deep voice Lucy's playful tone and Yin yin's cheerful chatter I silently

returned to my seat it was clear that staying here even for a few more days was no longer appropriate especially sharing a room with Ethan but with only 4 days left I had no time to find another place after dinner I decided I'd set up a makeshift bed in the living room the day had been exhausting after a long journey and I had hoped to sleep early but Lucy full of energy had taken over the living room dressed in a white dress she practiced dance moves stretching her legs on a mat meanwhile Yin Yen kept

running in and out of Ethan's room even bouncing on his bed like it was a trampoline feeling suffocated I grabbed a basin and went outside to fetch water as soon as I stepped outside I took a deep breath aru you're back weren't you staying with your in-laws Mrs H the neighbor greeted me carrying her own Basin as we headed toward the well together I went for a few days and just returned I replied politely Mrs hu whose husband worked as an accountant at the mines had a good life she often shared homemade treats with me

and we had a friend relationship I have to say Mrs hu trailed off glancing behind me before pulling me a few steps further away the well she tapped my forehead reproachfully you're too soft-hearted fat woman her husband is gone yet she's flaunting herself everywhere why would you let someone like her into your home Ethan is a catch like honey attracting flies and you just invite trouble right in her words were harsh but I knew she meant well that man even told people it was your idea to bring Lucy and her daughter here because you felt

sorry for them can you believe it he's using you as a shield so others won't talk behind his back I smiled bitterly of course Ethan would say that he wanted to avoid gossip at my expense but with so little time left I didn't want to waste energy arguing with him Mrs H sighed and insisted you need to get rid of her as soon as possible and if you need help just let me know don't be shy though I could could sense her curiosity about the drama I still appreciated her concern when I returned to the

apartment the living room was finally empty I grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom only to find it crowded with unfamiliar women's toiletries the towels and shampoo I normally used had been shoved into a corner next to the trash can in their place were Lucy's things two towels shampoo and a hair band Auntie Yen Yen needs to use the bathroom can you move Lucy brushed past me deliberately bumping my shoulder my head hit the door frame Lucy snow was already crouched nearby holding Yin Yen and helping her with her business when she was done

she turned to me still standing at the door and said softly sister-in-law could you please move you're blocking the way her voice was gentle but the smugness and disdain in her eyes were unmistakable I didn't budge apologize I said calm Lucy froze clearly not expecting me to Stand My Ground yinyan ever the protective daughter rushed forward gave me a hard shove and began to wail you're bad you're bad you bullied my mommy you're a bad person Ethan came rushing out of his room upon hearing yanyan's cries what's going on here he asked clearly alarmed Lucy's

eyes brimmed with tears as she explained it's my fault yyan had to go urgent L and since sister-in-law was in the bathroom I asked her to step aside that's all Ethan glanced at me disapprovingly though he didn't say anything in front of Lucy he comforted yinyin with soft words don't cry don't cry how about we ask Auntie to apologize hm when yinyin continued to cry Ethan picked her up and carried her back to the room promising her candy Lucy threw me a triumphant smirk before following them I could hear Yin yin's cries gradually subside from

inside the room without any expression I finished washing up carefully gathered my belongings into a basin and went back to the room by the time I returned Lucy and yinyin had left a colorful box of candies sat on the nightstand clearly meant for the child Ethan noticed me tidying up and paused letun talk he said his tone deliberate judging by his expression I could already tell what was coming he wanted to lecture me about being an adult about not stooping to a child's level and undoubtedly to urge me to apologize I sat down without a

word took a piece of paper and dabbed it against the small wound on my forehead where I had hit the door frame then I held it out to him the smear of blood was Stark against the white paper Ethan's words caught in his throat his face turned pale then flushed I'll sleep in the living room tonight I said getting up and grabbing some bedding wait Ethan said grabbing my arm you can sleep in here why are you going out there he assumed I was angry about what had just happened with a sigh he tried to

explain Yin yen is just a child and Lucy didn't mean any harm you're an adult don't hold grudges against a child there are guests I know you don't like Lucy but she's had a tough time don't be Petty okay I let out a cold laugh so you brought her back here and told everyone it was my idea right Ethan's breath hitched he opened his mouth but said nothing I shook my head smiling bitterly no matter how Noble his excuses sounded his underlying intentions couldn't be hidden for the sake of the Leong elders and to avoid

tarnishing his reputation I wouldn't confront him openly but that didn't mean I could forgive or forget that night Ethan ended up sleeping on the living room floor the next morning I packed up all my belongings planning to find a hotel before returning for the rest of my luggage when I opened the door Ethan had already prepared breakfast yinyan spotted me immediately and let out a disdainful hum pulling the food closer to herself and Lucy Ethan holding a plate of fried eggs greeted me with a smile you're up come I made fried eggs he noticed the

food hoarded on their side and awkwardly chuckled yinyan be a good girl and share some with with Auntie okay ignoring all of them I left the house the only hotel nearby was just a street away I booked the cheapest room for 3 Days paying 21 yuan in total including a deposit afterward I grabbed some breakfast at a nearby stall a bag of buns and fried dough sticks before heading back to collect my luggage as soon as I stepped inside I saw that my carefully packed bundle had been opened my belongings were scattered everywhere on the

table yyan was folding my college acceptance letter into a paper airplane my mind went blank what are you doing I shouted snatching the letter from her hands startled yyan fell off the chair and began wailing at the top of her lungs Lucy came rushing out of the room what are you doing who gave you the right to bully Yin Yen she yelled shoving me aside and scooping the child into her arms my hands trembled with anger as I carefully unfolded the crumpled letter making sure it wasn't damaged bully her why don't you look at what

she's done who told you to touch my things get out of here Lucy stood up holding Yin Yen and sneered you're not even married to Ethan yet this isn't your house to order us around she walked toward the door but paused to add even if you do marry him you'll never win against me the door slammed shut Lucy's hostility only surfaced when Ethan wasn't around in the past P I had been insecure and timid in the face of her beauty and talent as a star performer in the art troop she had every Advantage looks career

and Charisma I always thought I could never compete with her but now having a second chance I realize why should I even try in Ethan jong's heart Lucy snow was always the most important but aside from him wasn't there more to my life I could go to college I could contribute to the development of my country I could see the world broaden my horizons and enrich my knowledge this swamp of a situation would only hold me back after finishing my packing I drew another bold X on the calendar then I shouldered my bag and left

for the hotel I had booked when I was first reborn I considered confronting Lucy at her workplace after all she had ruined my previous life my anger was hard to suppress but what would come of it as long as e and remained by her side even if she lost her job he'd support her for Lucy it wouldn't be much of a loss and as long as I cared about repaying the young Elders for their kindness as long as I didn't want to destroy Ethan completely Lucy would remain Untouchable the real issue after all was Ethan

himself if his thoughts were upright Lucy would have no hold over him there were so many of Ethan's comrades from the Army why wasn't anyone else acting as Godfather to Lucy's child exactly that the hotel I tidied up briefly and took out some stationary to write Ethan a letter setting aside his constant absence after we married setting aside his entanglement with Lucy that lasted a lifetime I thought back to the 3 years I spent in high school here Ethan had provided for my food and lodging and even occasionally helped me with my studies for that

alone I owed him an explanation in the letter I told him that I had already gone back to dissolve our engagement and had been accepted into a university elsewhere from now on our paths would diverge and we'd never see each other again halfway through writing there was a knock at the door thinking it was Hotel staff I opened it only to see Ethan standing there looking disheveled and as though he'd been searching everywhere the moment he saw me he let out a heavy sigh of relief finally I found you as long as you're safe that's

all that matters I stayed silent expecting him to scold me all right don't be mad anymore come back with me he said as he squeezed into the room reaching for my belongings to help pack I quickly pressed my half-written letter under a book but his eyes fell on a silver bracelet peeking out of my bag his expression shifted as he picked it up why is this bracelet here wasn't it with my mother I froze cursing myself for not putting it away earlier in the after afternoon when Yin Yin had rummaged through my things a small

bell had fallen off and I'd fixed it this bracelet was the token from our childhood betrothal which I'd retrieved recently Ethan's face grew more perplexed why do you have this bracelet it should be with my mom as I scrambled for an explanation he suddenly chuckled I get it my mom must have asked you to bring it to me he placed the bracelet back into my bag and added casually just keep it for now we're getting married soon anyway so what's mine is yours I relaxed slightly but my hand still pressed firmly against my bag Ethan

frowned are you still upset yinyin was wrong sure but shek just a child stop being so dramatic do you know how worried Lucy was when you ran out she even scraped her knees looking for you and is still resting at home I stared at him cooly and his words faltered you know I began with a laugh this afternoon your daughter was rumaging through my bag when I told her to stop your precious Lucy said I had no right to tell her off she even said that even if I married you I wouldn't be able to

compete with her Ethan's expression darkened what my daughter she's just my goddaughter I ignored him and continued you use the excuse of taking care of a comrade's widow to get close to her but if your late comrade knew how you've been taking care of his wife do you think he'd rest in peace my Sharp words pierced through his self-deception his face paled and he staggered slightly after a long pause he managed to say fine if you're not coming back stay here and reflect I'll come back for you in a few days with that he turned

and left in a hurry muttering I never wanted to wrong you I'll go back and file the marriage report now I shut the door with a blank expression how ridiculous in his eyes agreeing to to marry me was some Grand favor for which I should be eternally grateful the next day I went to my teacher to pick up my train ticket worried I wouldn't get a seat my teacher had gone out of their way to arrange everything for me and even contacted some acquaintances in the Northwest to look out for me after sharing lunch with

my teacher I bought some local Specialties as gifts for my future roommates on the last night before leaving I went to bed early I thought I'd be restless overwhelmed with emotions but surprisingly I fell asleep almost immediately the next morning I handed my letter for Ethan to the hotel front desk checked out and headed to the train station with my luggage the two-day train ride was bumpy and I could only catch bits of sleep here and there when I finally arrived at the University I felt a deep sense of relief after completing the registration process

my days became filled with intensive coursework having never had the chance to attend college in my previous life I cherished every moment this time except for eating and sleeping I spent all my time in class or at the library three months into my studies I received the first letter from Ethan I wasn't surprised he had found me a month earlier I had already received word from my teacher that he had been asking about my whereabouts Ethan Jang had gone to see my teacher and he knew I was in the Northwest so when I received a

letter from him I wasn't surprised in his letter Ethan said he did not agree to dissolve our engagement he wrote that in his heart I had always been his wife he insisted there was nothing between him and Lucy snow and acknowledged that he knew I disliked her he claimed he had already sent her away and would never see her again he also said he would wait for me to return enclosed with the letter was 100 Yuan I put the letter away without replying and I didn't touch the money University coursework was demanding while my grades

were at the top of my class and I had received scholarships my monthly living expenses still weighed heavily on me I had thought about finding a part-time job but when my teacher heard about this he scolded me and began sending me 50u on each month in his letter he made it clear the money was a loan and at the end of the letter he cheekily added don't worry my wife knows about this and supports it wholeheartedly for some reason tears started streaming down my face face in my past life I had experienced despair regret and

hatred but I had never shed tears in this life I had remained composed as well yet now the tears came freely I cried uncontrollably alarming my roommates who quickly came over to comfort me after that cry I redoubled my efforts Ethan's letters arrived every month always with 100 Yuan enclosed in the final month of the semester his letter admitted that he didn't think I would ever come back still he promised to visit me and spend the New Year together but Ethan never came and the letters abruptly stopped later I learned from my teacher that Ethan

had married Lucy snow my teacher wrote that the situation had been tumultuous Ethan had originally applied for a transfer to join me but someone reported him for improper relationships since I was gone and unavailable as a witness the case was suppressed however Lucy lost her job because of the Scandal leaving Ethan with no choice but to marry her my teachers words were heavy but sincere in hindsight you are incredibly fortunate you avoided what could have been a lifetime of misery I knew I was lucky lucky to have been reborn before my college applications lucky to

have avoided The Quagmire of my previous life a year later I received another letter from Ethan the first line read I'm sorry he confessed that Lucy herself had been the one to report him when Ethan wrote the transfer application to join me Lucy Had begged him to stay but he refused out of desperation she took a drastic Gamble and one by creating a scandle she ensured they would have to marry Ethan admitted that he had only later realized the significance of the dates I had marked on the calendar in the living room he had always

assumed those were the days I looked forward to marrying him I smiled bitterly at I burned all his letters as for the money Ethan had sent me I returned every penny to my teacher asking him to forward it back to Ethan 2 years later before I graduated I joined the National infrastructure project project 2011 dedicating my life to my country I gave my years to my homeland with no thought of return thund Ethan jong's epilogue that night at the hotel after hearing aro's words I was consumed by anger and shock I locked myself in my

house for 3 days during those 3 days I realized how badly I had failed her I had made a grave mistake not in waiting for her to grow up but in letting my heart stray in the countless times I had helped Lucy snow my feelings had drifted away from the path they should have stayed on Lucy's kindness Yin yin's cheerfulness they had distracted me from the fact that I already had a fiance I had done things I now felt ashamed of after 3 days I made up my mind I couldn't lose a I went to

the hotel to find her but I was too late she was gone I asked everyone I could but no one knew where she had gone it was only through her teacher that I learned she had gone to the Northwest the realization devastated me I rushed home and saw the silver bracel in her bag the token of our childhood betral but by then it was already too late her family confirmed that she had annulled the engagement I returned to the apartment we had shared for 3 years lost and broken that night I drank heavily Lucy snuck

in and saw my transfer application she caused a huge scene in the aftermath she lost her job and her family came to confront me in the end I had no choice but to marry her afterward my friends began to distance themselves from me I wrote letters to aru but she never replied felt as though the moment she left she had disappeared entirely from my world life with Lucy became suffocating she kept a tight leash on me constantly picking fights my parents disliked her frequently comparing her to AO the stress turned Lucy hysterical and neurotic several

opportunities for transfers arose but Lucy sabotaged them every time accusing me of wanting to leave her and chase after my former fiance each time I could only laugh bitterly to myself by now aru probably found the mere thought of me revolting while Lucy clung to me tightly in aru's eyes I was worth nothing as time went on I watched my friends climb the ranks while I remained stuck Lucy began berating me calling me useless she wanted another child but we could never conceive again in the end we only had Yin Yen when Yin Yen grew

up she married and had children but she didn't marry well her husband was abusive Unfaithful and a gambler Lucy spent her days crying over Yin yin's situation yet when Yin Yin wanted a divorce Lucy adamantly opposed it every argument ended the same way Lucy would take her frustrations out on me blaming me for everything you're useless why did I ever marry you even Yin Yin resented me accusing me of not having a high enough position to protect her I had no response later nyen tried to escape her abusive husband after failing to get a divorce

only to be caught and beaten severely by then I was old and Powerless to help her eventually yinyan took her own life leaving behind a six-year-old child I never imagined that in my old age after losing my daughter I would have to raise her child looking at nyan's son I was was suddenly reminded of years past a fleeting memory emerged of a youthful figure beside me her eyes full of me and only me I couldn't help but wonder what if I had never involved myself with Lucy snow what if I had married Aro instead would

things have turned out differently but when had I lost her I couldn't even remember as I reflected on my life I realized just how utterly meaningless it had all been