(upbeat music) (audience cheers) - Pete Davidson, Pete's dad never got to see him on SNL because he passed away on 9/11. Pete's mom has never seen him on SNL because she blinks Is Pete white? Is he Black? Ann Coulter needs to know so she can decide if she hates him. (audience cheers) Pete, I actually thought you were Black, but I guess you just have your dad's ashy skin. - Whoa, Macaulay Culkin looks worse than I thought. David, thanks for taking time away from waiting for Sandler to write "Grown Ups 3" to be here. David Spade's
assistant once tried to kill him in his sleep and the world was shocked to find out you could afford an assistant. - Pete Davidson's ugly. (audience laughs) He's actually going on his third year of SNL. It's been a while since I've been there, of course, but you got to help me out now. Is it the fourth year that they finally let you see an orthodontist? Jacked up teeth! Fix that shit! Jimmy Carr's got better teeth and he's British! - Rob Riggle is here. I actually really love Rob Riggle, Rob, yeah. Rob was a Marine. The
few, the proud, which also describes his fans. - And look at this little nugget? Pete Davidson. It's hard to recognize him when he's not on SNL or on an adventure with the man in the yellow hat. - Jewel's here. Jewel, I won't make fun of you yet. 'Cause I want to give everyone at home time to Google who you are. My mom really wanted me to get you to sign this. I don't know what the (beep) it is. If it's a phone, it's broken, but she'd really appreciate it if you could sign this. My mom
came here to see you. So yeah. - Pete Davidson's here. I'm appalled that people would - Thanks. - Come here and make jokes about the sacrifice Pete's heroic father made on 9/11. This is not the roast of Pete Davidson's father. That was in 2001. - Oh, that was dope. - Wow. - Jimmy Carr's here. When I first met Jimmy Carr, I thought, "Wow, Jeff Dunham's puppets are getting amazing!" (audience laughs) Jimmy, you look like a butler in a haunted mansion. - I just met this guy, Pete Davidson, backstage before the show, a great guy. He
asked to take a picture with me and I didn't even realize he was one of the comedians. I told him, "Don't give up kid. Whatever disease you have, you can beat it." (audience laughs and applauds) - Yes! That's a Super Bowl champ! That's a Super Bowl champ! Yes! - Peyton Manning's here. I (beep) love Peyton Manning. He's the shit. Peyton, Peyton looks like if football players evolved to no longer need helmets. (audience laughs) No seriously Peyton, I love all of your work, especially when I saw you in "The Goonies" yelling, "Hey, you guys!" A Super
Bowl is also what Peyton's mom had to cut his hair with as a child. - Pete Davidson. Yeah, good to have you here tonight. You know, as he talks about in his standup, and everywhere else, he lost his father on 9/11. Pete, your performance tonight was a fitting tribute to your dad because it was like watching a third plane hit the World Trade Center. No, really, I actually, I do think you're going to be the next Adam Sandler. And I knew it the minute I saw David Spade blowing you before the show. - Let's hear
it for Rob Lowe. Okay? Right? Rob Lowe. (audience cheers) Or as gonorrhea doctors call him, patient zero. People call Rob Lowe a bad actor, but that's only because they never saw him tell his wife he didn't (beep) that nanny. Rob has two beautiful kids here. Not his children. They're just guaranteed in his contract. Rob was the first male spokesperson for the Lee National Denim Day, which raises millions of dollars for breast cancer research. You know, that's a great thing. It's a disease. Yeah. It's a disease that his mother, his grandmother, and great-grandmother suffered from, but
you still (beep) a 16 year old girl in 1988. It doesn't change anything. You still did that. - I'm coming for you. - I once thought Pete Davidson was just like Obama, biracial goofball who ruined a once beloved institution. But it turns out I was wrong. Pete's not biracial. - Ha ha, good one. Ann Coulter is here, everybody. Ann Coulter, if you're here, who's scaring the crows away from our crops? (audience laughs) You know, Ann describes herself as a polemicist. But most people call her a (beep). You know, last year we had Martha Stewart who
sells sheets, and now we have Ann Coulter, who cuts eye holes in them. - Our first roaster, it's Pete Davidson. Now he's the newest member of "Saturday Night Live." This introduction is way longer than his Wikipedia page. Guy from New York. It's Pete Davidson. (audience cheers) - Thank you. It's an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq's dick. (audience laughs) Wow, wow. Ludacris and Snoop Dogg are here. If I was 38, I'd be freaking out right now. (audience laughs) Kev, I loved you as Black Annie. He was so good. - It's good to
see Comedy Central diversifying it's talent with whatever race Pete Davidson is. You just look real, you're just real vague, man. You have a weird, vague ass face, and I don't like it. I don't like your face at all, man. You seem like a nice person, but when I talk to you, I don't have fun. Pete. Pete has got a lot going on. Pete, I don't know how you can juggle SNL, stand up, and Lorne Michaels balls in your mouth all at the same time. An amazing multitasker Pete Davidson is. - Hannibal Buress is here, everybody.
Hannibal. Hannibal, of course, is famous for exposing Bill Cosby, right? And only for exposing Bill Cosby. Now he deserved it, though. Bill Cosby hurt those women without ever caring about the consequences. That Hannibal Buress would become famous. - Look at all these scrubs on the stage. Hannibal, Natasha, Pete Davidson. I haven't seen a more disappointing lineup since the last Lakers game. - Now come on. Let's hear it for Shaq, all right. (audience cheers) Thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario. (audience laughs) I'm sorry. Please don't eat me. I'm
so afraid, you're so big. Oh, one of the many nicknames that Shaq has is Superman, right? And much like Superman, he pretends to be a reporter and has never met his real father. No, no, no, no, Shaq is cool though. Shaq has shattered eight back boards and 79 cervixes. (upbeat music) (audience cheers) - Thankfully Justin avoided the usual, I guess you could say former childhood mistakes. You know, he hasn't had a sex tape. That's good for you. He hasn't killed anyone. You haven't bought a monkey. Oh shit. You did, you bought a monkey. And you
abandoned the monkey in Germany. What the (beep) was that? You abandoned a monkey in Germany! That was a privileged Beverly Hills monkey. You showed him your lifestyle and then you dropped him off in Germany? Now that monkey's turned out in a goddamn German zoo, sucking rhino dick, because of your bad decision. Not about the monkey tonight, it's about you, Justin. What I want you to do? I want you to sit back, relax. 'Cause it's gonna be a great night, man. Not for you, for everybody else. We're gonna have a blast. - When we were looking
for a roastmaster, we called Jamie Foxx, Chris Rock, and they both couldn't do it. Then I had a great idea. Let's call Kevin Hart and see if he has Dave Chappelle's number. No, I have huge. (audience cheers) - He was here. - He didn't have it. He didn't have it. Kevin, you were awesome tonight. I have huge respect for Kevin Hart. Kevin loves seeing himself on the big screen and for him that's an iPad Mini. Sorry. Kevin is so short he calls Lil Wayne, Wayne. (audience laughs) I love Kevin Hart's career plan. Do everything Martin
Lawrence did, only shittier. - Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight, which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. I've been in lockup and you wouldn't last a week. So pay attention. The first thing you'll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pintail comb and a pack of gum. I'll show you how later. It's so simple. I found Bubblicious works best and it's so much fun to say. You see when I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted
to break off a piece of Martha Stewart's ass. So I decided some bitch needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dyke, and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones. (audience cheers) And Shaq, Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't still hold a grudge. (audience laughs) Justin, before I go, here's my final piece of advice. You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life, find yourself the right gal, but she'll have to be someone on your level. Someone powerful and famous and
rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge in the occasional three-way. I'm talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom. So, Justin, my final piece of advice is, call me, or. (audience cheers) Or not, I'm out then. - Martha, thanks for coming. I know that's probably something you don't do much of anymore. (audience laughs) - Justin Bieber, everybody. Seems like only yesterday you were discovered on YouTube. Time flies when you're a piece of shit. Justin, you've been on Ellen more than a pussy juice mustache. (audience laughs) Mine was
better, Ludacris. Justin was born to a teenage single mom. No wonder he's got moves. He was in the womb, dodging a coat hanger. Justin, Selena Gomez had to (beep) you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history. (audience laughs) No, Justin, you're so successful. You're so rich. You're like our Beatles. Not the band, the bugs that live in shit. So. - Ah, Natasha Leggero. This was my first time seeing you perform. You were really great, even though you didn't shoot out a single ping pong ball like Snoop promised. - That was
good. - Now as many of you know, I'm a police detective in the city of Miami. So Justin, as a police officer of the law, I'm gonna give it to you straight, which I know will be a new experience for you. I got a question, Justin, what kind of bitch eggs his neighbor's house? You caused $20,000 in damages. Imagine the damage you would have caused if you threw like a boy? And what are you doing dropping 75Gs in a Miami strip club? I heard the DJ played one of your songs and the dancers complained their
pussies were drying up. Justin, as a father of six, you got to straighten up son. You know, last year, you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong-un didn't even score that low and he uses your music to (beep) torture people. But thanks to that music, Justin is worth over $200 million. And in prison, four packs of Kools. Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf. Why you got to bring Jesus into your mess? That man has suffered enough. (audience laughs) - Of course, I had to have one of my
favorite people in the world here tonight, Shaquille O'Neal, thanks for coming, man. I love you dude. But how in 19 seasons have you only made one three-pointer? I've hit more pedestrians with my car. - It's time to talk about the bitch of the hour. Justin, leave it to Bieber. (audience cheers) Justin's life changed when Usher heard one of his songs and liked it, which only goes to prove that Usher ain't Black. Now, Justin, you release so many horrible and unwatchable videos, you should change your name to Vanilla ISIS. Now, most (beep) like myself, we go
a little crazy when we get famous. Buy some dope cars, (beep) some bad bitches. (beep) you bought a monkey. I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the aids epidemic. Now when J Bird got arrested, he had a big smile in his mug shot. Not because he gangster, because he knows what goes on in jail. Now Justin, you so mother (beep) pretty, when the inmates saw your mug shot, they swiped right. - Snoop Doggy Dogg. What's up, man? He's way too shy to admit this, but he was actually the Billboard's top
male artist the year I was born. And look at you now, Snoop, you're one of the 10 dudes at my roast, sitting right next to Martha Stewart and that Hannibal guy. How cool is this? So cool. You made it. I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you. - And now the man of the hour, Justin Bieber, you dainty, wigger, you. Justin Bieber, they say that you roast the ones you love, but I don't like you at all, man. I'm just here 'cause this is a real good opportunity for me. Justin, ah, you gotta give
it up for Justin. He started from the bottom and he's still a bottom. I don't like your music, man. I'm not a big fan of it. I listened to some of it. I'm not a fan. I don't like your music. I think it's bad. I think it's bad, man. I don't like it. (laughs) I hate your music, man. I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy. (audience laughs) Yo, Justin, man. Well this has been cool. And despite all those foul things I said, you seem like a sharp businessman and (audience laughs) this
is real cool that you did this and let all these strangers shit on you in front of all these people. And I actually liked that song, "Confident." That's a good song. I liked that song. And so thanks for letting me do it. And congratulations. - Hannibal Buress, thank you so much for being here. I don't really know much about you, but from what I've been hearing, I hope you don't know much about me either. (audience laughs) - Now let's get to the kid that I've known longer than anybody else up here, Mr. Justin Bieber. He
may have just turned 21, but Justin will always be a baby to me since babies piss everywhere and never know when to shut the (beep) up. I remember one day I got this call saying, "We want you to collaborate with this little dude who will do anything to get famous." And I was like, "Great. I love Kevin Hart. That's my guy." But this dude turned out to be Justin mother (beep) Bieber, and together we dropped a track called "Baby." (audience cheers) It's got over a billion hits on YouTube. That's because I'm in it. It also
has 4 million dislikes. That's because he's in it. It's like you try to roll like a gangster, man. But you're not tough, Justin, I'm here to let you know, man. I know you've been on Ellen 14 times. You act so much like a pussy on the show, Ellen tried to eat you, I mean, come on. (audience cheers) But you've become a music icon, like a modern day Michael Jackson. The only difference is, as Michael got older, he acted whiter. Justin Bieber wants to be Black so bad, he actually has seen Kevin Hart's movies in theaters,
ladies and gentlemen. - Ouch, ouch. - Justin, honestly, I feel bad kicking you while you're down. But since you want to be Black, you might as well get used to it, man. No, honestly, man, it takes a very brave soul to get up here. And I just want to say, I love you JB. I'm glad that you did this. This is a beautiful thing. Y'all make some noise for my man, Justin Bieber. - Luda, what's up, man? I knew you would show up for me tonight. I feel like I've known you my whole life, but
that's just because you look like the Mr. Potato Head I had as a kid. (audience laughs) Luda and I had- (Kevin laughs) - That was good! That was good. - Luda and I had a lot of hours making the song, "Baby," together. In fact, he told me it was the only baby he ever made on purpose. (upbeat music) (audience cheers) - Look at you, Seth. You've got the spray on tan. The waxed eyebrows. The peck implants, halogen teeth, the bleached anus. The scrotal tuck, nipple enlargement, taint documentation. But I gotta admit, I envy you. You've
got boatloads of money, three TV shows, and still, even with all the work you've had done, you can walk down the street, totally unrecognized. - Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood, but with all the porn stars you banged, it's probably just Tiger Wood's blood, I'm guessing. As you may know, Charlie Sheen is not his birth name. His original Spanish name is Senor Drugs. Kidding aside though, Carlos Estevez, took his dad's name, yes, to gain credibility as an actor. I've seen your films and you don't really act like a Sheen, but you know, with your
rap sheet and briefcases of coke, you're definitely acting like a Carlos. Charlie went on to star and TV and film, both drama and comedy. He was the star of "Hot Shots." (audience cheers) Which is also what Charlie feels when he takes a piss. So now, Charlie is a self-contained unit. He is dependent upon no man and no thing, except crack, Jack, crank, meth, Ludes, Vicodin, blow, acid, uppers, poppers, E, nitrous dust, hash, and this one boner medicine from Norway. He's the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a Sheenus. (audience laughs) - Wow.
Wow. - He's still with us, Charlie Sheen. In fact, Charlie just celebrated his 46th birthday. (audience cheers) - Thank you. - A statement no one thought we would ever hear. Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry at the Plaza Hotel. I want to tell you though, Charlie, I think she's lying, because I saw the scene where you got arrested in "Wall Street." You can't even make yourself cry. But you know, with all those dangerous jobs shows on TV, like the ones about crab fishing, ice road trucking, why is there no show about the most dangerous job
out there? Being an escort for Charlie Sheen. How long must we wait for the first season of "Deadliest Snatch"? I'm ready to see that right now. (audience cheers) Honestly, Charlie, I never thought I would live to see the night that you would live to see this night. I really didn't. - Seth McFarland, the only difference between you and the hooker Charlie locked in the closet is that the eventually came out. (audience cheers) - Kate Walsh. (audience cheers) Why are you here? Let me say that it is a thrill to be around the hottest sexiest woman
of 2002. - Seth McFarland! Come on, everyone, take it easy on Seth. It's gotta be hard for him to do a roast, especially because "The Simpsons" haven't done it yet. If only "The Simpsons" would wipe its ass in front of Seth McFarland, he could learn to do it, too. But sadly, Seth McFarland's bulky ass is caked in layers of unwiped excrement and shame because "The Simpsons" haven't done it yet. - Gilbert Gottfried. (audience cheers) Just watching him perform, you can tell he's really got some extra, what's the word, chromosomes. And I always seem to look
like someone just squirted lemon juice in my eyes. - Seth McFarland, thank you for not singing. And thank you for not telling any jokes. I've heard rumors that you like to drink, sometimes maybe a little too much. Now be careful, Seth, you don't want to end up like me. Tall, handsome, rich, and famous all over the world. - Look at you, you handsome son of a bitch. Take off your hair so I can run my fingers through it. You look great. You know, David, here's the thing. Some people call you a washed up, talentless pile
of crap, just a terrible human being. I'd like to thank everyone for coming tonight. And let's get started with the roast. David, your acting is like "Inception." There's no sense of reality. It's impossible to follow what's happening, and midway through, we realize, you were unconscious the whole time. (audience laughs) You know, I'll tell you though, my friend, you will always be Mitch Buchannon from "Baywatch" to me. (audience cheers) This is a show that did for lifeguards what skin cancer did for lifeguards. (audience laughs) Yes, for all his achievements, for all this man's many achievements, it
was really "Baywatch" that made David a global celebrity. David had an important role, an important role on "Baywatch." His job was to kill boners. (audience laughs) But David is more than just a terrible actor. He's also a terrible singer. He's he's the only singer in history whose auto-tune just said (beep) it. Now as you saw from his big entrance, David is hooked on a feeling, the feeling he gets from six Vicodin. Recently, however, he hasn't had time to do another huge singing event. Just like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck haven't had time to write another
screenplay or Anderson Cooper hasn't had time to find that special lady. (audience laughs) And the Hoff is multilingual. They may not know this. He can speak, what, English, Spanish, German, and whatever the (beep) that language was in that cheeseburger video. Yes, David, - Woo hoo. - My friend, you have done it all. - Thank you. - You've gone from "Baywatch" to death watch, and I think, I think I speak for everybody here when I say that what we remember most of all about you is Pam Anderson's tits. - I consider Seth an icon. I do.
Like I got a critique about Seth. It's too much Seth. See, but I think the problem is with Seth is that he don't have a partner. You know, like the "South Park" guys or Hanna-Barbera. Hanna once said, "I'm bigger than Yogi," and Barbera slapped the shit out of him for saying that. Seth needs a Barbera to slap him and slap him twice. Once to say, "Hey man, don't forget why people love you." And two, just say your gay. No straight man writes that many show tunes. That's a fact. - You may recognize Patrice from his
many speaking roles in movies, but only if you've sat in front of him in the theater. I know, I know, some of these jokes may come off racist, which is why it's important to remember that Rosa Parks fought so Patrice could take three seats on the bus. - During a very dark period in my life, I found inspiration by reading the great epic poem, "The Iliad." So see, Seth, you're not the only person that's gotten by by taking ideas from Homer. - Tyson has had three marriages. The first two ended in knockouts. - I threw
in the towel, - He's a guy. - I threw in the (beep) towel. - Please don't murder me. He's a guy who has beaten every opponent he has gone up against except the letter S. (audience laughs) (upbeat music) (audience cheers) - Martha, thanks for coming. I know that's probably something you don't do much of anymore. (audience laughs) - Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight, which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison. I've been in lockup and you wouldn't last a week. So pay attention. The
first thing you'll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pintail comb and a pack of gum. I'll show you how later. It's so simple. I found Bubblicious works best and it's so much fun to say. You see when I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart's ass. So I decided some bitch needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dyke, and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones.
(audience cheers) And Shaq, Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't still hold a grudge. (audience laughs) Justin, before I go, here's my final piece of advice. You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life, find yourself the right gal, but she'll have to be someone on your level. Someone powerful and famous and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge in the occasional three-way. I'm talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom. So Justin, my final piece of advice is, call me, or. (audience cheers) Or not, I'm
out then. - I see you over there laughing, Martha Stewart. What you laughing at, huh? She's so old, if you look closely at the hundred dollar bill, you can see Martha photobombing Ben Franklin in the background. - I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house, but I don't have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids with three different women. May I suggest pulling out some time and finishing on some fine, highly absorbent, Martha Stewart bed linens? (audience laughs and cheers) - I had the honor of playing Martha in two
separate movies. I did my best, but the only one to truly capture Martha Stewart was the FBI. - I remember years ago when I heard there was going to be a movie, a TV movie, about me, I thought, oh God, no, because they're always so dreadful. I was really nervous. Well, you can imagine my relief when I found out Cybill Shepherd was going to play me. I thought, "Cybill Shepherd? Great. No one will see it." (audience laughs) Now Cybill, isn't it interesting that your career basically ended after that role? As if you'd offended someone, someone
with power, someone with vast resources and money. Who could cook up such a plan? Who could craft such a scheme? It was me, bitch. - If anyone can survive in prison, it's someone who can toss a salad. That's right. Martha's a real corporate king pin. She even has her own brand of wine. It's like her boyfriend. It comes in an old box. Martha is also a humanitarian. When she heard about the kids at the border, living in tiny cages, she sent them sewing machines. What's wrong with that? - Hi, Bruce. I have great respect for
our honoree, Bruce Willis. Our roastee. Probably because I've never seen any of the movies everybody's talking about. Unlike everyone here tonight, I personally have a great appreciation for Bruce's music. I play it at all my parties when it's late and I want everyone to leave immediately. Bruce and I are actually neighbors. We're in the same town in Bedford. He has a wonderful house. The interior design is amazing. He wanted everything inside to look mid-century modern, except his new wife. I remember when Bruce invited me to their wedding, he handed over the invitation and I told
him, "I'll catch the next one." - Martha Stewart, shank you for being here. Seriously, and congratulations on getting that Thai soccer team out of your vagina and into your sweat shops. That's where they are now. - Nikki Glaser, you have it all. The name of a professional porn star and the body of an amateur porn star. You know, I'm a big supporter of the Me Too movement. But remember, Nikki, Me Too shouldn't just be what a guy says to his friend when he tells him he had sex with Nikki Glaser. - Noted. - In case
you didn't know, I am Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq Diesel. Superman, Big Aristotle, Big Cactus, Big Galactus, and Martha Stewart's baby daddy. And trust me, Martha know how to work that mother (beep) Boy, let me tell you. Once you go Shaq, you never go back. Ain't that right, Martha? - When Shaq bought his house, Shaq, are you listening? I was the first person he called. The house had 13 bedrooms and I helped convert eight of them into refrigerators. - All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time. (audience laughs) - Well that's
not fair. - I taught Snoop that the most important thing in business is diversification. Besides his music career, Snoop now has produced a porn movie. And by the way, Natasha, you were great in that. So I guess that tonight's the second time you've worked with five Black guys. You know, I do a lot of gardening, but you are without a doubt the dirtiest used up hoe I have ever seen. (upbeat music) (audience cheers) - Snoop Dogg. Snoop smokes so much weed that he farted during the commercial, the whole front row got the munchies. - The
true player in the house tonight. My homeboy, OG, Ice-T, original gangster. (audience cheers) You know, Ice-T been in the game so long, they should just call him Ice Age. I tried to listen to one of Ice-T's songs on the way up here, but I didn't have no cassette player in my car. (audience laughs and cheers) Now when I seen you earlier, I thought you was throwing up gang signs at me, but I found out it was just your arthritis. - On a past roast, Snoop claimed I wanted to bang him. Please. If I want to
bang a skinny Black man with braids, I'll call Alicia Keys. - Lisa is a stone cold freak. Lisa (beep) Larry King, Don King, Rodney King, and Billie Jean King in a Burger King bathroom. I mean, this bitch loves to eat, for real. If you want to (beep) Lisa doggy style, all you gotta do is put a bowl of food on the floor. And that's real. - That's a great joke! - Now Lisa's had so much sex with so many different brothers, we've even gave her rap names for her fat ass. Notorious P.I.G. You gonna like
this one, Russell. Tun DMC. Bust a, bust a nut in your face. And my favorite, Snoop Chili Dog in your (beep) mouth. - I love Snoop. D O double Gizzel. That can't be right. Snoop told me during the break that once he had a DNA test that found he is only 71% Black. Is that true? Unless my math is wrong, if you're 71% Black, you're 29% not guilty. - I've got to give a shout out to my main man, Larry King in the (beep) house. (audience cheers) Larry, you know how we is. Larry is cool,
but backstage, I handed him a joint and he rubbed Ben-Gay into it. - Round of applause for Snoop. Come on. That was hilarious. (audience cheers) Snoop, you have butchered the English language in your music. You have two Gs in the word dog. You use izzle and fizzle at the end of everything. You speak worse English than Marlee Matlin. - Whitney Cummings. Look at your fine, little skinny ass sitting up there. I roll blunts fatter than you, but you've been passed around a little bit more. But right now, things are popping for Whitney, y'all. Everybody in
Hollywood is talking about it. And they all saying the same thing. Think that bitch gave me herpes. - Snoop Doggy Dogg. What's up, man? He's way too shy to admit this, but he was actually the Billboard's top male artist the year I was born. And look at you now, Snoop. You're one of the 10 dudes at my roast, sitting right next to Martha Stewart and that Hannibal guy, how cool is this? It's so cool. You made it. I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you. (audience applauds) Justin, you release so many horrible and unwatchable
videos, you should change your name to Vanilla ISIS. Now, most (beep) like myself, we go a little crazy when we get famous. Buy some dope cars, (beep) some bad bitches. (beep) you bought a monkey. I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the aids epidemic. Now when J Bird got arrested, he had a big smile in his mug shot. Not because he gangster, because he knows what goes on in jail. Now Justin, you so mother (beep) pretty, when the inmates saw your mug shot, they swiped right. - Snoop used to call
himself the D O double G. That's right, the Dogg. Right, Snoop? Back in the day, the reason why he called himself the Dogg is because he was a dog with the ladies, it's true. Now he's called a dog because he sleeps all day in a sunspot in the living room floor, isn't that true? That's true, Snoop. - Real shit, nephew. You look real good. (audience laughs) I didn't know the Muppets made mother (beep) clothes for (beep) though. Yes, sir. Now look, Kevin's from Philadelphia, right? Just like Bill Cosby. And just like Bill Cosby, women can't
tell when Kevin's inside of them. - Snoop, your homie, Dr. Dre, just became a billionaire last year and you should be proud. There's not a lot of Black billionaires. There's Dr. Dre and the guy that sells you weed. (audience laughs) I mean, you are a legend, which is a nice way of saying you old as (beep). You only do it doggy style now because it's easier on your lower back. - We got Ludacris in the mother (beep) house. (audience cheers) Luda, Luda! I love that song of yours where you said, "If you a pimp and
you know you don't love them hoes." That shit was tight. But you know who else said that that was tight? Me, 15 years before you did it (beep). Stop biting my shit. (audience cheers) But here's one of Ludacris's original rhymes. "There's hoes in the room. There's hoes in the car. There's hoes on the stage. There's hoes by the bar." (beep) are you a rapper or Dr. Seuss? (audience laughs) (upbeat music) (audience cheers) - Bruce Willis. What a career, right? "The Fifth Element," "The Sixth Sense," "The Whole Nine Yards," "12 Monkeys," zero Oscars. And it's not
just action movies that made Bruce a star. He's actually a great dramatic actor, too. I loved "The Sixth Sense." It's great movie and it's a really impressive performance. I don't know how you pretended not to be embarrassed while a 10 year old kid acted circles around you, but you did it. And the ending, I did not see that twist coming. I mean, I shouldn't spoil it, but I mean (beep) it, it's been like 20 years. It's so good. Okay. So at the end of "The Six Sense," Bruce goes back to making shitty movies. (audience laughs)
Bruce Willis is what you get if you isolate the white part of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. We want to have a good time tonight, but don't get too comfortable up here, because later we're gonna be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher. Relax, relax. Bruce gets along with him fine. He was even at Ashton and Demi's wedding. His gift was a toaster and $90 million. And so tonight let's honor one of the three founders of Planet Hollywood, not the one who won an Oscar and not the one who became the Governor of California. But the one whose
agent is just an outgoing message that says, "He'll take it!" Walter Bruce Willis! - Joe, I took you under my wing. I tried to make you tough. Tried to make you an action star, which ain't easy to do with a kid who looks like the bad boy of figure skating. (audience laughs) Joseph played a younger me in "Looper." Couldn't pull it off. There's only one actor who successfully played me. It was Demi Moore. And she made a lot more money than you did, sweetheart. - Bruce, this is honestly a real, a big personal moment for
me to be here, roasting my dead cousin's second favorite action star. I know you, obviously, as the star of every DVD you kind of just find on the street. Obviously, you had an amazing action film career, until Jason Statham started balding. I'm just not familiar with action movies. I don't know. I never seen a single one of your films consensually. Like, it's always what some guy puts on while he's trying to finger me on his roommate's couch. Do you know what I'm saying? A lot of people don't know that Bruce is a very talented musician
because he isn't. Bruce has also been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is where they make sick kids meet you, so dying doesn't seem so terrible. So cool. - Nikki Glaser, I am a big fan. You and Vince Vaughn were great in "Wedding Crashers." - I see it. I see it. - Sorry. - Bruce, you keep making these (beep) bombs, but guess what? So does Kim Jong-un, but at least Kim is smart enough not to release his. I'm out there saving the world. You can't even save Planet Hollywood. Bruce came up with this whole
idea about the Planet Hollywood. You know, he wanted to compete with the Hard Rock. That was a great (beep) idea, wasn't it? So, anyway, he want all his Hollywood friends to invest, he put in hundreds of thousands of dollars. I put in a lot of damn money. You owe me more money than my (beep) family. I'm not here to roast you. I'm here to collect, honey. - It's so great to have the esteemed diplomat, Dennis Rodman, here, woo! I want to say Dennis is a bad negotiator, but he thinks a shoe deal is when you
get two at the same time. Dennis, how do you and Kim Jong-un communicate when neither of you speak English? Dennis, I know you think it's a big deal that you saved the world, but it's not as much as it's made up to be. Who cares? I've saved the world 18 times. - Hi, Bruce. I have great respect for our honoree, Bruce Willis. Our roastee. Probably because I've never seen any of the movies everybody's talking about. Unlike everyone here tonight, I personally have a great appreciation for Bruce's music. I play it at all my parties when
it's late and I want everyone to leave immediately. Bruce and I are actually neighbors. We're in the same town in Bedford. He has a wonderful house. The interior design is amazing. He wanted everything inside to look mid-century modern, except his new wife. I remember when Bruce invited me to their wedding, he handed over the invitation and I told him, "I'll catch the next one." - If anyone can survive in prison, it's someone who can toss a salad. That's right. Martha's a real corporate king pin. She even has her own brand of wine. It's like her
boyfriend. It comes in an old box. Martha is also a humanitarian. When she heard about the kids at the border, living in tiny cages, she sent them sewing machines. What's wrong with that? - Bruce Willis. I'm so happy to see you. Gosh, the last time I saw your face, I was shopping for movies at the gas station. "Moonlighting" was considered the first dramedy, a mix of drama and comedy, which is also a good way to describe Bruce's acting style. (audience laughs) When he does comedy, it seems like drama. And when he does drama, it's hilarious.
But Holly wouldn't be Hollywood if they didn't reward a man for aging into mediocrity, (audience cheers) Bruce went on to make 96 movies using just one facial expression. Our characters on "Moonlighting" weren't much of a stretch. I played a former model, which I was. And he played an asshole, which he is. We actually came very close, one time, to having sex, but then he whipped it out, started playing with it, and ruined everything. I'm talking about your harmonica! Sadly, the stars never aligned for us and it's never gonna happen now for one obvious reason, you
are way too old for me. - Cybill Shepherd, my oldest friend. There's people I've known longer, but you are my oldest friend. When I got cast in "Moonlighting," they picked me over 3,000 other actors because they wanted someone who didn't have a sexual history with Cybill. It's so great to be back on TV with you, honey, in another show starring me. - I'm so sorry. Sorry. - I really don't understand why you agreed to do this. I mean, if you wanted to be humiliated, clearly we both know you could have just released another singing album.
Some of you may not know because he bought every copy, but Bruce released an R&B LP back in the 80s. I did some research to find out whose idea this album was. Turns out, it was his manager, and by his manager, I mean cocaine. Bruce, pal, you've done some great work recently, especially your subtle turn in Wes Anderson's "Moonrise Kingdom," loved that film. (audience cheers) Yeah. The story of two fifth graders falling in love. Bruce would have fallen in love with a fifth grader if he had met his current wife way back when he was
47. I first met Bruce when I was working with his first wife, Demi Moore, in the film, "A Few Good Men," yeah. I think it's time everyone knew something about Demi. When she shaved her head, she said it was for her role in the film "GI Jane." But the truth is, she shaved her head because she loved her husband, Bruce, and he wanted to (beep) his own face. (audience laughs) And now Bruce, one of your friends and co-stars of "Pulp Fiction," couldn't be here tonight. So they've asked me to pass along a message from Christopher
Walken. They've put it up here for me. Here it is. "Hey, Bruce. Sorry I couldn't attend your funeral. I did want to say I've always been a fan, particularly your work in the film, "12 Monkeys." Sure, I was disappointed that you did not portray a monkey, but you gave a beautifully nuanced performance, reminiscent of a monkey who poops in his hands and then throws it in your face. Mostly though, I wanted to take this opportunity to publicly thank you for creating my favorite restaurant, Planet Hollywood. If I'm honest, it's also my favorite planet. Thank you,
Bruce Willis, for having the vision and the courage to ask, hey, who wouldn't want to eat $40 potato skins in a booth next to the hack from 'Billy Bathgate?'" - Kevin Pollack, welcome to the party, pal. You owe your whole career to the guys you impersonate. You've made more money doing Schwarzenegger than his maid. And not to mention, you're better at cleaning houses. - I am here to do a deep dissection of how a (beep) bartender from New Jersey became such a big titty of a global movie star. (audience cheers) Good reviews in the New
Yorker and Oscar nominations that you lose to (beep) the Farmer's Insurance pitch man, JK Simmons. (audience laughs) They don't, those things are great, but they don't buy you half of (beep) Idaho, do they? No, they do not. I was sitting at a bar with Bruce and I asked him if he liked the script I'd sent him and he says, "Try keeping a marriage together when 22 is still on the menu." (audience laughs) What the (beep) does that mean? I mean, I know what it means, but why say it to that? But I fell off my
bar stool laughing. I had no idea why I still don't know what he thought of the script. And we're done making the movie. By the way, by the way, when Wes Anderson calls him, he and I do "Moonrise Kingdom" together, and this is true. Everyone in the cast stayed in a little house together. We did our own costumes and makeup. We did our own hair and we went to set in the van together to save money. Even Bill Murray, but not Bruce (beep) Willis. He rented the Carnegie mansion next door, like a boss. When Wes
said, "Do you think Bruce understands that I really want this to be like a repertory theater troop?" I said, "Shut the (beep) up you long haired pussy. That's a (beep) movie star." (audience cheers) Maybe it's, I try to challenge myself. I look for roles that stretch me and are different. Whereas you deliver consistently the same performance. And I mean like the same one every (beep) time. The last thing Bruce Willis would demand is a better script. I'm such an idiot. The script of his last three films was, "Crinkle your forehead. Say short, memorable quip. No
more than four words. Shoot the gun. Duck, repeat, the end." It's a half a page long. You can learn your lines in the car on the way to the set. You don't, but you could. - "Fight Club" was the perfect movie. Who doesn't want to watch Ed Norton get punched in the face for about 90 minutes? I love you, Ed. I do. But you do have a rep in this town for being, you know, hard to work with. Norton's rubbed more people the wrong way than Harvey Weinstein. (audience laughs) I'm sorry. But you were great
in "The Italian Job." (audience cheers) An Italian job is also when you titty (beep) Dom Irrera. (upbeat music) (audience cheers) - When we were looking for a roastmaster, we called Jamie Foxx, Chris Rock, and they both couldn't do it. Then I had a great idea. Let's call Kevin Hart and see if he has Dave Chappelle's number. No, I have huge. (audience cheers) - He was here. - He didn't have it. He didn't have it. Kevin, you were awesome tonight. I have huge respect for Kevin Hart. Kevin loves seeing himself on the big screen and for
him that's an iPad Mini. Sorry. Kevin is so short he calls Lil Wayne, Wayne. (audience laughs) I love Kevin Hart's career plan. Do everything Martin Lawrence did, only shittier. - There's no secret that Justin wants to be Black. Can we all agree on that? Justin loves the Black culture. Everybody knows that. My thing is this. Justin, I just want you to come to terms with the fact that you're not gangster. That's Justin's main problem, man. You're not a gangster, accept that. - All right. - I mean come on, Orlando Bloom took a swing at you.
That's not gangster, Justin. It's not! He's got a perfume called Girlfriend. That's not gangster, Justin! You threw eggs at a house. Gangsters don't throw (beep) eggs. Snoop, when the last time you threw eggs at somebody's goddamn house? (audience laughs and applauds) We don't do that! It's not gangster! Justin, Justin sang the N-word on a video in a song that was about killing Black people. That's pretty goddamn gangster, Justin, I'ma give you that. That's as gangster as you get right there. He has gotten a lot of trouble when he got caught saying the N-word on video.
That right there, that should make you feel stupid. Reason why I say that, because you know who didn't get caught, Justin? The billion other white people that say the N-word every goddamn day. I'm talking about you, Martha. I know you say it. Thankfully Justin avoided the usual, I guess you could say former childhood mistakes. You know, he hasn't had a sex tape. That's good for you. He hasn't killed anyone. You haven't bought a monkey. Oh shit. You did, you bought a monkey. And you abandoned the monkey in Germany. What the (beep) was that? You abandoned
a monkey in Germany! That was a privileged Beverly Hills monkey. You showed him your lifestyle and then you dropped him off in Germany? Now that monkey's turned out in a goddamn German zoo, sucking rhino dick, because of your bad decision. - Thank you, Kevin Hart. It's really great to be here. Oh, there you are. Sitting and listening to you yell your jokes over the last hour is the hardest time I've ever done. As we all know, Kevin is one of the biggest movie stars in the business right now and he deserves it. He struggled for
years. When he finally got his first big paycheck, he spent $150,000 on a watch. I forget that term for that. It's not African-American rich. It'll come to me. (audience laughs and cheers) Justin, you know the word. - For all the Black people that are confused about that old white woman on the couch, that's Martha Stewart. Yeah, right there. That's Martha Stewart, right there. Martha, do me a favor and put your ankle bracelet on vibrate, so we don't have no problems during the show. - Kevin, you look like someone put 50 Cent in the dryer. (audience
laughs) There is a lot of star power up here. These men combined have made millions in child support payments. Kevin, you are everywhere. You know, Kevin's actually gonna be on the next season of "Game of Thrones." He's playing Peter Dinklage's shadow. (audience laughs and cheers) Kevin does all of his own stunts. He climbs into his own chair. He climbs out of his own bathtub. He goes up on his wife. (audience laughs) - You guys may have seen her on "Reno 911" as a whore on drugs. If you didn't see that, you may have seen her
in "Neighbors" as a whore on drugs. Everybody, I want you to pull out some Purell for Natasha Leggero. - Real shit, nephew. You look real good. (audience laughs) I didn't know the Muppets made mother (beep) clothes for (beep) though. Yes, sir. Now look, Kevin's from Philadelphia, right? Just like Bill Cosby. And just like Bill Cosby, women can't tell when Kevin's inside of them. - My man, Snoop Dogg, is here. There he is. Yeah. (audience cheers) Wait, wait, let me clear something up for all the young people here tonight. Snoop, Snoop Dogg is a rapper. Yeah,
that's my aunt's favorite rapper. You know, Snoop used to call himself the D O double G. That's right, the Dogg. Right, Snoop? Back in the day, the reason why he called himself the Dogg is because he was a dog with the ladies, it's true. Now he's called a dog because he sleeps all day in a sunspot in the living room floor, isn't that true? That's true, Snoop. - Thank you, Webster. - What? - Kevin is the only celebrity with a star on the yellow brick road. - Shaq, take that dumb ass look off your face.
You look stupid. (laughs) Here's my question, Shaq, how did you even end up on a roast? That's what I want to know. They must have called up the NBA pregame show and said, "You know what? Send us the third funniest guy. Wait, he's unavailable? Send us Shaq. Let us get Shaq, then." - Congrats on all your success, Kevin. I'm sure it's gonna last forever. It's amazing to have Kevin Hart and Shaq here. Is this a roast, or is this Tyler Perry's "Of Mice and Men"? - I love Hannibal, I really do. We know why he's
here, okay. 'Cause he's not happy just destroying my childhood hero. That's not, that didn't make him feel good enough. No, no, no. He's here to destroy my daughter's childhood hero as well. - I just recently got married. That's something to celebrate. (audience cheers) And Kevin was at my wedding because I needed a minature Black man on my cake. So thank you for that - The semi-famous rapper, I'm talking about Ludacris. His first album was called, "Incognegro," and his new album, "Ludaversal," is hopefully his last. You may not recognize him from the "Fast and Furious" movies
because when he's on screen, even the white people start talking. Please welcome, one of the most successful rappers of 2001, Ludacris! (upbeat music)
