-Thank you very much. Enjoy yourself. Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show. " This is it. You're here.
You made it. Thank you for watching. Thank you.
Well, guys, I want to wish everyone a happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day. [ Cheers and applause ] It's such an important holiday.
Today, President Trump said, "I think we can all agree MLK would want me to have his Nobel Peace Prize. " [ Laughter ] Yeah. Did you guys see this?
During a private meeting at the White House, Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado gave Trump her 2025 Nobel Peace Prize, and he accepted it. [ Laughter ] It means a lot to Trump. He hung it on the wall right next to his McDonald's Customer of the Month plaque.
[ Laughter and applause ] "Makes me cry. That was -- that was a nasty September. I remember.
" [ Laughter ] When asked why he wanted Machado's Nobel Prize, Trump said, "She offered it to me. " [ Laughter ] Yeah, 'cause you told her to. [ Laughter ] It's the same reason your doctors let you eat fries inside the MRI.
I mean, it's not normal. [ Laughter ] "See if you can track this one. " [ Laughter ] -Doink!
-"I have this one. These two are gonna race each other. " [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, the Nobel committee said that the award still belongs to the original winner even if they give away the medal or the prize money.
Trump heard and was like, "Wait. There's prize money? Oh, María!
" Everyone's talking about this. Over the weekend, Trump texted Norway's prime minister that one of the reasons he's trying to take over Greenland is that he didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize. -Oh.
[ Audience "Oohs" ] Then, a little bit later, Trump said he's taking over Venezuela because he didn't win a Latin Grammy. That's why. He's mad.
He got snubbed. You know, the prime minister of Norway was screenshotting Trump's texts and sending them to Europe's other leaders, like, "You believe this friggin' guy? " [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, Trump is going to impose new tariffs on European nations unless they agree to give up Greenland.
And in response, the European Union held an emergency meeting yesterday. Yeah. Do you know -- Do you know how mad Europeans have to be to work on a weekend?
[ Laughter ] -"Sacre bleu! Are you -- I just popped the cork on this Chateau Margaux. " [ Laughter ] "Ugh!
" [ Cheers and applause ] "Let's make this fast. Can we Zoom? " Yeah.
Get this. Trump announced that he is creating an international board of peace to keep peace around the world. Yeah, and he's charging every country $1 billion to join.
[ Laughter ] I'll take a wild guess who they can make the check out to. Yeah, yeah. "Or you can Venmo me.
" [ Laughter ] Well, switching gears, guys, this is exciting. Harry Styles announced that he's got a new album coming in March. [ Cheers and applause ] Ooh, wow!
It is called "Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally. " Yeah, well, this is -- this is cool.
We've teamed up with the country's top scientists to create a Harry Styles album generator. It can take any person in the news and give them their own Harry Styles album title. -Oh.
-Yeah, let's try it out. So Harry's title is "Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally.
" But if we put it in President Trump, it says his album title is. . .
[ Laughter ] See what I'm saying? -Yeah, I see that. Scientists.
Here's one for Rudy Giuliani. It's. .
. Oh. [ Laughter ] A little something here.
You got a little something. Here's one for the CEO of Verizon. It's.
. . [ Electricity crackles ] Yeah.
Oh. Oh. I'm sorry.
That didn't work. All right. Didn't work.
Sorry. It didn't work. That one didn't -- It didn't work.
We won't -- we won't air that. -That'll be cut. -That one glitched, a little glitch.
-That was a mistake. -Here's one for Kevin Hart. This one is.
. . [ Laughter ] -Wow.
-Here's one for Trader Joe's employee. Yeah. It's.
. . [ Laughter ] And finally, here's one for "Heated Rivalry.
" It's. . .
[ Cheers and applause ] I think that's a good app. [ Cheers and applause ] Helpful invention. [ Applause ] Well, some sports news.
After an exciting weekend of games, the NFL playoffs are down to just four teams -- the Seahawks, the Rams, the Broncos, and the Patriots. [ Cheers and applause ] Even with only four left, they can be tough to keep straight. -Oh, I can help you with that, Jimmy.
-Oh, uh, thank you, sir. How? -By doing a rap with you from the audience, of course.
-[ Chuckles ] Oh, I don't know if we have time for a rap. -Awesome. Hit it, Quest!
[ Laughter ] ♪ A Seahawk is a ♪ -Animal. -♪ A ram is a ♪ -Animal. -♪ A bronco is a ♪ -Animal.
-♪ A patriot is a ♪ -Oh, uh. . .
uh, just -- It's a guy, or. . .
[ Laughter ] ♪ A Seahawk is a ♪ -Bird. -♪ A ram is a ♪ -Sheep. -♪ A bronco is a ♪ -Horse.
-♪ A patriot's a ♪ -A -- a dude -- He's just a patriotic dude, I guess. [ Laughter ] ♪ But the Seahawk goes ♪ -Caw! ♪ The Ram goes ♪ -Baaah!
♪ The Bronco goes ♪ -Neigh! ♪ The patriot goes ♪ -I don't know, Jimmy. I don't know.
[ Laughter ] I don't know. . .
I don't know what a patriot is, exactly. -Sir, calm down. It's okay, it's okay.
-No, I'm embarrassing myself. You wanted to do this rap with me, and I'm embarrassing. .
. -I didn't want to do a rap with you. You -- -You told me.
. . You told me you wanted to do a rap with me, and now I'm.
. . -No, you stood up in the middle of my monologue and demanded I do a.
. . -I'm just letting you down, I'm letting you down.
-. . .
a rap with you. "You want to do one with me? " -If you want to do a rap -- -But don't be har-- Don't be hard on yourself, okay?
Look, if you had to guess where Patriot comes from, what would you say? -I don't know. I guess Boston's rich history as the cradle of the American Revolution, honoring the colonists who rebelled against British rule.
[ Laughter ] -That's exactly right. -Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ] ♪ Seahawks, Rams, Broncos, and the Patriots ♪ -You got it.
-♪ They are called the Patriots 'cause Boston's patriotic ♪ -Thank you so much, sir. That helped me. See?
Yeah. We got it, bud, we got it. We got it whupped.
No problem. [ Applause ] Well, some business news, everybody. I saw that Beyond Meat is launching a protein drink.
Finally, an alternative to my daily meat smoothies. [ Laughter ] "I'll have the usual -- a strawberry beef tallow, please. " [ Laughter ] "Throw a little lamb in there.
Why not? " Guys, we are midway through January, which means a lot of people have given up their New Year's resolutions. [ Laughter ] People are throwing in the towel, but Planet Fitness doesn't want you to give up just yet.
Check out their latest ad. -We here at Planet Fitness believe you can do it. Come in today and stick with it because you've got this.
-Aww. -That's nice. That's nice, that's inspiring.
Yeah. Oh, hang on. I'm hearing that Domino's just put out their own ad in response.
Watch this. -Give up, bitch! You know you want some cheesy bread with "sawce"!
Planet Fitness? ! Yeah, plan on fit'ness pizza in your mouth!
Don't stick with it! Stick a cinna-stick down your bread hole, you gluttonous, glutinous simp! -Whoo!
-Oh, my God. [ Cheers and applause ] -Why? -Believe they would.
. . Air that?
-Wow. [ Applause ] -Hey, I saw there's a viral trend where people are posting photos of themselves from 2016 and reminiscing about that year. You know what I'm talking about?
[ Applause ] Yeah, I thought I'd join in and show you some of my photos from 2016. Does that sound good? [ Cheers and applause ] Okay.
All right. Uh, great. So here's me interviewing Will Ferrell.
Love that guy. Uh, here's me doing the monologue. That was a good show.
Here's me at the beach. Here's me at the desk. -Hang on, hang on.
-And I remember -- -Hold on, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jimmy, that photo that you just showed feels a little bit suspicious.
Can you go back one? -You mean the one of me at the desk? -No.
-Uh, me doing the monologue? -No. -Oh, uh, me interviewing Will Ferrell?
-Uh, no. [ Laughter ] -So, at the desk? -No!
-The monologue. -No! -Then Will Ferrell?
-No. -Was it desk, monologue, or Will Ferrell? -No, it was the one of you -- you're at the beach.
-What's the problem? [ Laughter ] What's the problem with that? -Come on, man.
I think it's pretty obvious what the problem is. You cropped me out of the photo! -Oh, my bad, dude!
[ Cheers and applause ] That was a fun day! -Man, that was the best! -Tariq Trotter, everybody!
Come on, now. [ Cheers and applause ] Finally. .
. [ Laughs ] -I remember that day, man. And, finally, a new study found that major U.
S. airlines could save $580 million a year on fuel thanks to weight-loss drugs. [ Laughter ] That's on top of the other $500 million they save in fuel by not taking off.
[ Laughter ] We have a great show. A$AP Rocky is here tonight! [ Cheers and applause ] Dr Henry Louis Gates Jr.
is joining us! [ Cheers and applause ] Walker Scobell is here! [ Cheers and applause ] And we have stand-up from Ontonio Kareem!
[ Cheers and applause ] Stick around! We'll be right back with A$AP Rocky!
