We're afraid to fail and then we're afraid if we succeed, more expectation will be there. If you can know that it's just fear, fear can be changed in a few moments [music] by a radical change in your physiology. You need to condition the song in your head.
When you go through spiritual pain, you end up with a spiritual power because the power is when you can heal that that is a whole different level. And then you're that makes you someone who can help others heal because [music] you've actually lived it. Tell me, what's your question?
How can I help? >> Um, I was wondering if you have any tips for overcoming imposter syndrome. Um, because I've had a lot of career growth recently and a lot of public interest in my work and the more that sort of grows, the more I have um feelings of like being a fraud or like I sort of don't deserve the success.
>> Yes, this is a modern new concept, imposttor syndrome. It it's I don't know what year it was made up. It was made up many years ago and people attached to it.
And you hear it so commonly now because people feel like it's like a thing. It's like a it's like a disease. And so when something is a thing, it's hard to change.
A process is easy to shift. And really what you're experiencing is fear. But I want you to know, you shouldn't feel bad about it because it's so common.
You know, Anthony Hopkins, a good friend of mine, one of the greatest actors of all time. And Tony, I call him Tony. Tony's uh he memorizes everybody's lines in the entire script.
That's how obsessed he is. That's how committed he is. He's not only the most amazing actor of his generation or at least one of the top two or three, but literally that's his level.
So if someone forgets the line, because you know, I've done a couple movies and I was blown away that nobody's prepared. You know, I'm prepared. They weren't prepared.
They just cuz they do it a million times, right? But Tony will finish their line for him, give the line to them. That's how obsessed he is.
And Tony, when he first came to me, Anthony Hopkins, he's like, I feel like an imposttor. Like people are going to figure out who I am. Like he acted like this gruff guy.
When I met him in person, he was one of the sweetest, nicest, most outgoing guys. But if you see him in interviews and everything else, he's holds it all a certain cuz he thought he had to be a certain way. He had to project a certain way.
If you're an actor, this is how you're supposed to be. It's just an identity he built up and you're starting to build it. But let's look at what it really is.
It's just fear. Usually they go together because we're afraid to fail and then we're afraid if we succeed more expectation will be there, right? That's what you're afraid of.
And then what if I don't live up to that? And so it's all just fear. So if you know that it's just fear, fear can be changed in a few moments by a radical change in your physiology, in your focus or your language.
Remember that triangle, right? The the triad that we talked about. And so you need a compelling reason to do it and you need a stronger identity built into you.
But let me just say this first. The way I changed it was twofold. Number one, I started doing those incantations.
I know that sounds silly, but I had to program my mind cuz all that's happening is tell me what happens when you have the imposter syndrome. Tell me what you focus on or what you say to yourself. Show me what you do with your body and face.
How do you breathe? >> Um, >> can you think of a situation when you start to feel it? >> Yeah, I guess.
>> So, think of one right now. Right now. Okay, good.
think of it. [laughter] >> It's like who who do I think I am? >> Who do I think I am is the question.
Okay. >> And who do you think you are? >> Um just just just Sophie.
>> Yes. And so just Sophie is a a generalization, a distortion, and a deletion of so much of what you are. Is there a Sophie in there that is incredibly generous?
>> Yes. >> Is there a Sophie in there that's really loving? Yes.
>> Is there a Sophie in there that is a crazy at times? >> Oh, yeah. [laughter] >> Is there a Sophie in there that can be silly?
>> Yes, definitely. >> Is there a Sophie that can be worried? >> Yes.
>> So, there's all kinds of Sophies in there. And [snorts] what we need to do is bring the Sophie. Remember I said in a relationship the most important thing is selection.
Like who you select within yourself to bring to your relationship will create a different response. Right? If I want to change you, the best way is change me.
So the focus for you is to see there is a Sophie that's not just Sophie. There's a Sophie that has a gift. And it's not bad to have a gift.
Like I've worked my tail off with my gifts, but I also believe in grace. I believe that God has given me a gift, but then I've done my part. I believe the two come together.
Not everybody believes that, but the core belief is that there's a gift. You may have developed it. You may have been born with it.
You may It's probably some combination of those things. And the gift is probably going to get stronger when you put yourself out there. But there's no way like as when someone says when you you know when you're going through hell what's what do they say?
Keep going. Right? That comes from Churchill.
So your experience is just I got to get out there and experience it. But the other part is you really got to focus more on the service than anything else. I I literally had this conversation by way of audio.
I won't mention the name, but someone in your country is very famous. They called me this morning, a friend of mine, and they haven't been on stage for a while, and they're going on stage, and they're starting to have these questions like, "Wow, I haven't done this in a while, and will I be this enough or that enough? " And and I said to them, you know what it is?
You're forgetting who you are. Everyone does this, but I said, "Here's how I do it. I stop thinking about me.
I focus on serving those people. " If you're obsessed with feeling your audience or the people you want to serve or the whatever the situation may be and you're focused on feeling them and just knowing before you start, I'm passionate about sharing this with them cuz I know I've got something here that's useful or beautiful or helpful or whatever. You will not have that problem.
That's the problem with public speakers. Most public speakers get up and as they're speaking, they're thinking about how they're doing versus what I'm doing is I'm feeling all of you and seeing what you're experiencing and seeing what do I need to do to be helpful in this moment so I'm not thinking about me so there's no fear. And so I think if you were to do that but also some incantations and by the way that's what we do at the event too so that they become real for you.
And what I mean by incantations is like mine, you know, I now command my subconscious mind to direct me in helping as many people as possible today by giving me the strength, the energy, the vitality, the humor, the brevity, whatever it takes to show these people and get these people to change their life. Now, how come I can ring that off so fast? Cuz I've been doing it since I was 17.
And I do it every time. And do you think I could get up here without doing it? Of course I could.
But it just brings me to that place of certainty so that when someone shows up, I can serve. So I prepare properly and then I focus outside myself to what it is I'm here to serve instead of myself. And I would draw, you know, I talked about watch your transformational vocabulary, you know, watch your words.
Get rid of the imposttor syndrome cuz it makes it a thing you have, right? And then, you know, I got to deal with my thing. No, it's just I'm feeling a little fearful right now.
So, okay, let me change my state. Let me refocus. Let me do some incantations and let me get my butt out there.
And after you do it for a while, suddenly it'll be there. And the other part is if you do these incantations with I am whatever you attach I am to with enough intensity and enough consistency you will become because when you have that thing well I'm just Sophie and that physiology and that facial expression all those things there's nothing wrong with that that you know part of it is probably you trying to show yourself that you're humility and not too big for your britches and those are all honorable things but you can do it in a different way you I am a force for good. I'm a force for God.
God comes through me right now or the universe or whatever your belief system is. When you can see the source of your gift is you, but it's also something greater than you. And if you're trying to serve something more than yourself, then you're gone.
And when you're gone, there's only the beauty of your gift. >> My question is uh around identity. >> Yes, >> I was Yes.
I was born to a mother, second generation foster care. I was born to a father diagnosed with five mental health conditions, try to kill us for about a year. We had to run for our life for about a year.
>> Wow. >> So, it took me about 10 years, Tony, to heal from that. Going to seminars, conferences, reading every book you can think of.
>> Yeah. When you can when you can take the worst experiences of your life >> and you can solve them, then you have a gift that you can give others that many people can't give because they haven't experienced it. Some people intellectually know, but you know experientially.
And what what I always tell people, you went through a different kind of pain. You went through spiritual pain >> when spiritual pain is different than just physical pain. I'm sure you had physical as well, but the spiritual pain is when the person that loves you most or you love the most tries to harm you.
Um, I have that same experience. But what I've discovered is when you go through spiritual pain, you end up with a spiritual power because the power is when you can heal that that is a whole different level. And then you're that makes you someone who can help others heal because you've actually lived it.
You aren't talking about it with words. You haven't read it in a book. You've experienced it.
So I don't even know the content of what you're doing, but I'm sure it's incredibly effective because you've lived it. I really honor you for that. Give her a hand for that for starters.
And I love that you took your problem and turned into a gift. >> Yes. But you start to ask me about identity.
I want to make sure I answer that. >> Yes. So, next month it'll be three years I'm doing this full-time and it's such a gift.
>> That's wonderful. >> Yet, I find myself blocked. >> Blocked from getting the love I want.
>> Yes. >> Right. So, I help other people figure it out.
I help other people heal. I just helped a couple gentlemen go from single to married and we we created a business that creates synergy. But for me, it's like it it it's it's baiting from me to be able to connect someone in that soul soulful way that I saw you and Paige do.
And I think Sage do. And I think in my mind's eye, I'm I'm like, well, I don't want the pain again. So, it's like I I know it intellectually, BUT I'M STOPPED BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO hurt that way again.
If that makes sense. >> It sure does. So, what's happened?
So, everybody hears, and we've all experienced this in different ways, right? When you finally made it to the other side of something, you don't want to open yourself up to be there again. If you've been through a really painful relationship, for example, and it was the most pleasurable time, it was most passionate, and then it ended, the pain's even more extreme.
And so, what happens is now it's like, oh, we're almost like, uh, you know, we're we're just we're careful. We're we're avoiding, we're not doing it. So, you know, the value with other people and you're willing to do it.
But there's a part of you that says, I don't want to go there. And there's a part of you also like thinks you have to earn this, >> you know, just based on your history, right? So, I had to earn.
And by the way, most people have to earn. Not everybody. Some people are showered on love by their parents and then they kind of take it for granted and expect everybody else to shower them with love and they get pissed off when that doesn't happen.
So everybody has their thing. Everybody is different. But what I would say to you is that the solution outside of this is coming up with an identity where you don't have to live with the fear of going there because it's like saying I'm going to go back to where I was at 17.
I there's just no freaking way. There's no way I'll go back to where I was when I was 29 even. There were great things there.
There are unbelievably challenging times. I can look at various stages of my life. But you accumulate a different level of strength and skill and knowledge and truth and positive emotion.
And what's happened is you haven't updated your identity. Meaning you even though you're doing these beautiful things for you, you haven't updated it. >> And the way you updated it, number one is to figure out what what is it that you're afraid of?
What's the belief? What's the belief behind this? Well, if I open up that this isn't it exactly.
And I can tell you so you know I did that also at one stage in my life for about a decade almost. And if you ask me if I was happy, of course I'm happy cuz I was helping everybody. I saw and appreciated how I'd help people.
But I wouldn't let myself feel at all. Like if somebody said to me, "Oh my god, I love you so much. " Or you're so incredible.
I say the same things I said now cuz I want them to know they're the source. Like you know Siri saying, "Oh, you you did this all for me. " No, Siri, you did this for yourself, but I'm glad I could help.
And I always have said that, but before I wouldn't take it in, right? It's like, I don't know what it was. I was afraid if I take it in, then my ego will get too big or something and it's just not going to happen.
I know that I'm just a guy. I know how much I care. I know, you know, God comes through me or the universe comes through me, depending on your belief structure, at the right times in the right ways.
And so gradually, I began to take it in and not not be afraid of it that it was going to lead to disappointment or hurt. And the biggest way I did it is I started coming up with these identities that you know for me I'm a child of God for me I'm here to serve I'm here and so I started doing those incantations because when you do an incantation remember you're not just saying something you're using your whole body you're speaking out loud you're using the volume of your voice so you're doing the whole triad if you remember you're using your body in a radically different way that alone changes your brain and biochemistry you're focusing on who you really are here to be and owning it. You're attaching I am to it and using words.
When you do that over and over again, but I'm talking about I would do this for 45 minutes to an hour. In the early days, I would go on a walk and do it and then I'd get into feeling better. I'd jog a little bit and it became like a song.
Have you ever have any of you made the fatal mistake of going to Disneyland or Disney World and getting on a ride called It's a Small World after all? Who's made this fatal mistake? Anybody made this mistake?
>> Yes. And what happened if you haven't been on it? If you get on it, what happens when you leave?
You hear this freaking song in your head in 50 languages for like 5 weeks, right? So I realized I needed to change this song in my head. That's what you need to do.
You need to condition the song in your head. And then you know the Dickens process where you're going to discover what are the pieces, what are those beliefs that are getting in the way and eradicate them. So you eradicate, remember we said decide what you really want like on the last day something, you know, integration day, what do you really want?
Where are you? So I know where you want and I kind of know where you are now. But now we got to eradicate the stuff that's in the way.
Then we got to see our language and we got to program that language as a new identity through incantations through [music] you know that experience of being in that state. And then all you got to do is do what you're already doing which is keep giving and the whole thing will flow.
