Wall Street, a place where the dumbest and brightest minds rejoice. It's a place where a guy with a PhD in quantum physics and a guy who eats crayons can come together and are united by one sacred truth. Nobody knows what the hell is going on.
And today we are going to cover the six different types of investors on Wall Street. It's only right to start with the Warren Buffett disciples, or should I say the value investors. He's the type of guy that owns khakis in multiple shades of beige, drinks lukewarm coffee, and considers the intelligent investor light erotica.
You could say he's the life of the party. He won't shut up about Moes, intrinsic value, and compound growth, and he'll spend 400 hours analyzing a company's 10K. But if you ask him his year-to-ate return, he'll tell you, "I actually invest for the long term.
" Translation: He's been underperforming since the Bush administration. And ladies, if you're looking for a man that won't try any positions besides missionary, this is the guy for you. The value investor is the human equivalent of watching paint dry.
His portfolio consists of three meme stocks, a forex trading course, and a pending DUI. And every morning, he starts with a cold plunge, a David Gogggins podcast, and a period of time he likes to call meditation. But in reality, he's just thumping his chest, wishing he was on Wall Street in the '90s.
In his room, he has a hustle harder poster, three empty red bull cans, and a suspicious white powder on his nightstand. He's the type of guy you hope you don't run into at a grocery store because if you ask him about his investing strategy, he'll tell you, "Bro, the best investment is in yourself. " He likes to call himself an entrepreneur.
But his idea of diversified income streams include sports betting, crypto meme coins, and charging people $20 to get into his party. It's safe to say he's not trying to beat the market. He's just trying to beat his charges.
This is the type of guy that looks at a stock chart the way conspiracy theorists look at grainy UFO footage. He's got 12 monitors, sees bull flags in his morning coffee, and speaks in a language only understood by the degenerate few. Every candlestick tells a story, he says.
He doesn't care what a company does. Hell, he doesn't even know because fundamentals are for boomers that are stuck in the past. He doesn't do due diligence.
He draws art. And he doesn't admire Warren Buffett. He admires Pablo Picasso.
But you better not insult his charts because you know what they say. Never interrupt an artist at work. This is the guy who turned $400 into $13,000 and then back into 0.
He calls himself early, but he's really just unemployed with an unhealthy addiction to Discord. He lost his entire net worth in a rugpull for a memecoin called Fartcoin, but he likes to call it a learning experience. Now he owns 12 NFTts of pixelated animals, lives in a van because he insists on being off-grid and swears that fiat currency is a scam, all while still using his mom's Venmo.
He hasn't filed taxes since 2021. But that doesn't matter because the blockchain is borderless and he likes to spend 8 hours a day in Twitter spaces arguing about the future of finance with 14year-olds. But the truth is, he has no idea what the blockchain, web 3, or any of that stuff actually is.
He just likes to use fancy words that no one understands. He loves options, worships a guy named Roaring Kitty, and lives by a single investing philosophy. He drinks Monster, eats hot pockets, and hasn't seen daylight since GameStop peaked in 2021.
He likes to call Warren Buffett a coward, believes a 40% pullback is just consolidation, and refers to trading losses as battle scars, and his Roth IRA, well, he's actually never heard of it. His long-term plan to build quote generational wealth includes going allin on weekly spy calls and then blaming market manipulation for when they expire worthless. He doesn't do technical analysis.
He's never read an earnings report. He just feels things. And to him, that's more than enough.
He doesn't blink. He lives in Excel. And he calls every asset class a bubble, even non-tradable ones.
Because now he paces around his apartment all day in socks, mumbling about synthetic CDOS's and the fall of Western finance. Ever since watching The Big Short, he hasn't known peace. It wasn't just a movie to him.
It was a spiritual awakening. He's been wrong 137 times in a row. But his answer to that is always, "One day.
One day the market will crash. One day the Fed will be exposed. One day you'll all see.
" He's short the market, short the economy, and short of hope. He doesn't just want money. He wants to watch the world burn so he can stand in the ashes and whisper, "I told you so.
" And until that day comes, he'll be at home surrounded by water jugs, canned beans, and Q1 earnings reports from 2012. So, what have we learned today? Absolutely nothing.
Whether you're reading Warren Buffett's annual letters like a scripture or betting your rent money on a candlestick pattern called the inverted frog, it all boils down to one universal truth. Nobody knows what the hell is going on.
