This is proper rubbish, how are we going to sort this mess out? What, Africa? No!
Well in the long term yes, I mean this year's Comic Relief. It really is rubbish at the moment, isn't it, what are we gonna do? I've just had a 'no' from Blue.
Everything you suggest the celebrities argue, it's just no, no, no, no, no. We need someone to just tell them what to do. I think I may know just the man.
Hello? Hi, is that Smithy? Who dis?
It's Lenny. Who? Lenny Henry?
Do I know you? Yeah, Lenny Henry from Live and unleashed. Nah.
Chef? Eh? Hope and Glory?
No, I think you've got the wrong number mate. I'm the bloke from the Premiere Inn adverts? Lennyyy!
Haha, you should have said! How are you mate? Yeah, good.
Look, we really need your help with comic relief. Any chance you could give us a hand? Oh, I can't.
Spending the day with a mate, he's been away for a while. Please, Smithy. Alright, I'll come in now.
But this is the last time. (Sigh) Idiot. Who's that then?
Comic Relief, they need me to go in now. But you said we were going to pick up my photos. Yeah, we'll get them later.
So, can I come to Comic Relief then? No. Why?
'Cos you can't! Oh come on, let's be honest. You don't want me to come with you because you don't want to be seen with a gay man.
What? I've seen you, the way you look at that mate of yours, what do you call him Gavlar? Such a pair of closet bummers, it's ridiculous.
Um, excuse me; what you get up to in your spare time is up to you, alright. Then why can't I come to Comic Relief? Because you're a joke George!
It's embarrassing! I can't walk into Comic Relief with you. Comic Relief's about helping people like you!
Don't put your sad face on! Alright, fine. Be like that.
We'll just listen to some music. Yeah? You love this one, don't you?
(Wham! - I'm Your Man) Right, I'm going on. You wait here.
Don't go wondering around looking for trouble. Alright, alright. Where am I gonna go?
Be back in a bit. Love you. Don't be long!
If anybody should go it should be them! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa!
What's going on in here? We're trying to work out who's going to do what for Comic Relief. We've just been told that Tennant and Dee have already left for Africa.
They sidestepped the committee, and went on their own steam. Disrespectful bastards. Okay, Davina.
You may not be live on Channel 4 any more, but please, do not swear. Sorry. Apology accepted.
Look, we really need a little bit of order in here these events are all about strategy, when we successfully pitched the 2012 Olympics we had a ten-point plan. Sorry, Lord Coe. .
Why is this relevant? Because that's how we won the 2012 bid. I want to go to Africa.
Right. I just want to give back, you know it's heartbreaking, these kids live in such abject poverty that the words Quidditch and Hogwarts mean nothing to them. Okay.
. . Anyone got a problem with Ron going?
Rupert. Whatever. Yeah but, would you go on your own?
Yeah. Why? Radcliff around?
He's working. Emma Watson? She's studying.
Coltrane? You're joking. It would just be really good if you could go with someone else from the film.
Otherwise you're just a ginger kid walking around with sunburn! I'll go with him. Alright.
It's not ideal but sure. Anyone got any objections to Ron and the albino kid going to Africa to do the appeal film? Well, I'd like to go.
I think that what Comic Relief is doing is absolutely amazing and you know Ive got a bit of time on my hands So I'd like to do it. It's really important, I'd love to go. Wait, hang on.
If he's going going, then. . .
I guess that's different. That, would be one powerful film. That's a great guy.
Here, Gordon? Gordon? Gordon.
Big Dog? Gordon Brown. We've talked about this before, right?
It's gonna be really hot, you know what you get like even under studio lights. We're talking searing heat. There'll be little kids jumping all over you, pulling your hair, you're going to have a radio mic on you the whole time.
You go calling a malnourished African a Lester Pigott, that could do more harm than good. Maybe you're right. I just shouldn't go.
I'd love to see him on let's dance for Comic Relief though. That's a good shout. I have been thinking of doing a duet with JLS.
That would be huge! Big time. That's a nice idea.
I've been trying to do something with Tinie Tempah for a while. You guys, start thinking about a song. You know what I mean Gordon, I'm thinking "Everybody in love, gone put your hands up," "Everybody in love.
. . " Just put your hands up.
"If you're in love put your hands up" Don't take the piss. Well, I may as well say my piece. I think it would be a fantastic opportunity to go to Africa, it's a once in a lifetime experience, I'd be thrilled to go.
Right, that's great. Honestly, that's brilliant. And some people will want to see the broke out The Vicar of Dibley wandering around Kenya yeah, but who everybody wants to see, is Trigger Delboy, Rodney, Raquel, Cassandra, yeah?
The jolly boys outing! Boycie givin' it Marline. .
. "This time next year, you'll be millionaires! " I mean they wont, but still!
You plonker! Plonker! Plonkerrr!
You dipstick! You love that! Everyone!
"Who do only fools and horses work? " So what d'you think? No.
That's a bit wierd. . .
Rio! What about you? I'd love to go.
I feel I should, I'm from the same rough background as these kids, I understand their plight, but it's up to you guys, I mean I don't know if I could pull it off. But if you think I could do it, then yeah. He's got over three hundred thousand people following him on twitter, he's a popular guy.
He's a businessman, he's got his own clothing line. His own magazine too. He is good friends with David Beckham, who of course I worked very closely with when we delivered the Olympic Games.
Definite potential. Maybe he should. Maybe I should?
What do you take me for? I've won the Champion's League, the Premiere League a few times, I was being humble! Of course I should go!
Keep your pants on, Rio! Anybody in favour of Rio? One, two, three, four, five- He can't go.
What? He can't cry on camera. What, of course I can.
. I can. You can't.
You know you can't. And if you can't cry, you can't go. She's got a point.
Everybody knows that tears are the first rule of a good Comic Relief film. I can cry! I'm telling you I can cry.
Go on then. We will need to see it. Got to see those tears, my man.
Okay, alright. . I used to be able to this, man.
. . Pathetic.
Awful. Told you. Sorry buddy, just wasn't meant to be.
Alright. So who is going? I'll go.
If she's going I'm going. I'll definitely be there. Count me in, very happy to go.
I'm up for it too! Yes, of course you are. To know I've helped just one child, somewhere in the world, makes it worthwhile.
Good point. I believe that children are the future. Whitney Houston.
All those in favour of Kira, say aye. She can't go. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're too good-looking.
You'll be out there, in a little white vest, sun on your back, there'll be sweat dripping down, people aren't going to be looking at the starving Africans you're holding in your arms, they'll be thinking phwoar, look at him the lucky bastard. He's got his hands all over her! I hadn't thought of that.
If you're too good-looking, you can't go. JLS, I'm sorry but includes you, you're out. Dermot, you're borderline.
You see I did tell you that in the 2012 meetings we had a lot more order than this. . .
Will you shut up about 2012? I know it might come as a shock to you, but some things aren't about the Olympics! Tom, do you ever wear any clothes?
This is ridiculous! You know what, if anyone should go it should be me. Yeah sure, I'm not some big celebrity, I'm just a plumber, a handy man from Billericay.
But that's, that's exactly why I should go. I've got skills, I can actually help. I can go out there, drill some wells, put up a few shacks, install their Sky Plus, it's what I do!
It's why I'm here. I can help those less fortunate than ourselves. And as I stand before you now.
. . Thanks, mate.
I love you, Smithy. I say I'm Smithy. .
. And I'm going to Africa. That's great!
Biggest load of rubbish I've ever heard. What? You can't go!
Why? 'Cos I'm not famous? Not, because you're a bloater.
People don't like tubbies in Africa. You know the argument, if they'd eaten less food themselves no one would be starving. It's a fair point.
Hear, hear. I hate tubbies. I've kept quiet, I've heard what people have had to say but you all know that the only person round this table who can go, is me.
I was in the biggest rock and roll band in the history of music. That's a bit disrespectful. .
. in front of JLS? Smithy, it's fine.
. I've had a longer career than all of you put together, my music has touched millions of people around the world, and I am the last remaining Beatle. What about me?
I'm one of the last remaining Beatles. My god. .
. Anybody disagree? Well it's decided.
Nice one, Sir Maca. You're doing this year's appeal film in Africa. Fair play.
Right,is there anything else? 'Cos I got a mate waiting in the car. Good!
Meeting adjourned. Fancy a pint? 'Course bro, let's bounce.
How did it go? Sir Maca's doing the appeal film, Gordon Brown's rapping with JLS, Justin Bieber was on the keys. I think that's a good day's work.
Not as good as this! I love you George!
