DI Cromwell | Robert Smith | Jagged Prayer A BBC Radio Full-Cast Detective Drama

Jagged Prayer by Robert Smith. Where's Father Jack? With Cheryl Campbell, Timothy Spool, Jeremy Finch, and Jonathan Oliver. [singing and music] >> Who found him? >> One man and his dog. >> Go on. >> Man throws a stick in the pond. Dog swims after it. Grabs for the stick and oists an arm in a sleeve from the water. >> Very King Arthur. >> What? Sir, where are they now? >> Lok was offered counseling, but said he'd rather have a cuper. Oh, the dog's in shock, sir. Never stopped dowling. >> Sounds like it's the one who needs

counseling. >> Oh, I hate the countryside. You never know what you're standing in. What did that neurotic mut find? >> Male, white, mid-50s, wearing a three-piece suit without the waste coat. >> Perhaps he was buying it by installments. >> This is where we fished him out, sir. The doc said he died of his head injuries long before he hit the water. The divers are searching the bed for a possible murder weapon. >> And what's that constable doing? >> Paddling, sir. >> Hey, you, son. Get out of there. Do something useful. Get me some coffee. >>

Make that, too. >> Yes, sir. >> I want this bank and this whole field back as far as the road. Search like you were looking for the winning lottery ticket on a rollover week. >> Yes, sir. >> Do we know who the victim is? >> No, sir. Nothing on him. No wallet, no mobile, no watch, not a thing. >> Somebody did a thorough job. >> Not quite, sir. When we pulled him out, he was still clutching a chain of rosary Beads. >> A Catholic. >> And he had a fat book wrapped in a carrier bag

wedged in his jacket pocket. >> What was it? Drowning for beginners. >> A soggy abridged version of something called uh the summer Theologi by St. Thomas Aquinas. >> Too much to hope it's a library book. >> No, it looks like it's been well read. Anything else? >> Pages 607 and 608. They've been torn Out. >> Is there a church anywhere around here? >> This is the middle of nowhere, sir. One of the carrot crunches, I mean, local offices told me there's a convent on the edge of the woods. >> Where? >> About half a mile

down the road. There's a driveway. The nuns have a public chapel. People can nip in for communion and a quick confession. >> Well, I suppose we'd better have a word With them. Maybe these nuns can tell us what's on our missing pages. >> Sister niece, there's two policemen here. >> Where? In the parlor. They want to speak to Mother Abbas. They must have found out about >> Oh, shut up. I don't know who's listening. Not even here. Come on. Let's visit a couple of prayer sites on the web. Leave these to mother. Seen any nuns

yet? >> Heard a couple. Perhaps they've all gone to quicksave, sir. Some reception room. This is, eh? It's freezing, dingy, bare. What's with these metal bars here? Curtains and rows of hardback chairs. More like a theater in a prison. Sir, please. You think they're going to do us a floor show? >> I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed. >> Oh. Uh, sorry, sister. We were um >> I'm Mother Helen and you two gentlemen are >> This is Detective Conible Kelp, ma'am. >> And I'm Detective Inspector Cromwell. >> Cromwell? What an interesting name. I don't suppose

you're Catholic. >> No, I'm uh CV. >> Then you do go to church. >> No, I told you I'm CV. >> You look uncomfortable, detective inspector. >> Never been inside a convent before. >> Me neither. You're only in the parlor, not in the convent's heart. Please sit. >> You're uh not what I imagined. >> What did you imagine? >> I don't know. An extra for McBth. >> I applaud your literary tastes, but not their application. >> What about these bars? Give me the creeps. >> I thought police officers were used to seeing people behind bars.

>> But with this setup, I'm not sure who's on the inside and who's on the out. >> We are a contemplative order. This is an enclosed convent. We never leave. The grill is there to remind us that we are separated from the world and to remind our visitors that this life is not the end. A few years ago, my predecessor had the grill taken out, leaving only this counter. It made our parlor look like a council office. When I was elected, I had the grill put back. That way, Everyone knew where they were again. One

of our noviceses said that it was good for our fune because it restored equilibrium. How's your chi, detective inspector? >> Wet pear shaped years ago, whatever it is. But I've survived. Would drive me mad being cooped up near here forever. >> I find it liberating. Within the closter, I have total freedom. But outside these walls, there's only stress and violence. Witness the reason you're Here. You are here because of the murder, aren't you? Oh, you've heard >> I hear many things and I could hardly think your visit with God's sister Anise hacked into the Vatican's

computer and inserted a phrase about women priests in the definitive text of the letter to the Hebrews. >> You lot have computers. >> Cloisted nuns were only recently allowed Them by Rome. >> And you're already hackers. >> We learn fast. >> So do criminals. >> Does that mean police officers don't? >> We're trying to establish the murder victim's identity. Yes, I'm sure that's an essential part of your job description. >> Have there been any strangers around here, ma'am, say in the last week? >> No. >> Have you had any breakins recently? >> Should we have

>> no books been stolen? >> No. >> Has there been anything unusual? >> Do you mean like three wise men on a comet in the sky? No. I'm sorry. I don't think we can be of any help to you. >> I thanks for your time. I suppose you missed it. >> Here's my card. If you do think of anything, drop me a line. >> Wouldn't it be better to give me your email address? >> I don't have one, do we? >> No, sir. >> Then if I think of anything, I'll phone you. Detective Inspector. >>

You do have a mobile, don't you? >> Why'd you give her such an hard time, sir? >> Cuz I can't stand nuns. They don't do anything, and they live off other people. >> She's tasty, though. Tasty. Do >> you think she's a blonde? Oh, >> couldn't see for that headdress, sir. How old do you think? >> Didn't look more than about 30, but I bet she had 40 candles on her last recorded birthday cake. >> She's just right for you then, sir. You think so? When are you going to get a mobile, sir? You drive.

[bell] [bell and music] [music] My mother. My mother. >> We're about to start mass. [music] >> [music] >> Where's Father Jack? C ID. Sir, it's that nun. She wants to speak To you. I think you're in there, sir. >> I don't. Put her through extension 13. >> I'm transferring you now. Caller. >> Caller. De, Cromwell speaking. >> This is Mother Helen. >> Can I help you, madam? >> I hope not. Father Jack's disappeared. >> Perhaps it's his party trick. Who is he? >> He's our relief chaplain. >> Oh, yeah. What sort of relief does he

give? >> Spiritual Detective Inspector. He's gone missing. I'm frightened you might have his body. >> It would assist us greatly if you could identify the victim. I'm only too willing to help the police. >> Good. >> However, I only leave the convent these days to go to the dentist. By the way, I recommend regular checkups to any man who visits us. >> Why just the men? >> Because it's hard to tell with them whether they have halattosis or are wearing the latest after shave. >> It could be the atmosphere in your convent. You should get

out more, meet some real people. >> My last nonoral outing was 3 years ago. >> But that was a Cliff Richard concert. Actually, I attended a conference on making the church relevant to young people. It ended with us singing our God lives as a football chant. Since then, I Prefer to remain strictly within the convent enclosure. >> If you came to make an identification, you could go for a checkup after kill two birds with one stone. >> Somewhat unfortunate metaphor. >> I'm afraid you're going to have to make an exception. I could pick you up

if you like. Tomorrow, lunchtime, 1ish. We could take the uh scenic route to the morttery. >> Very well. >> You're late, Inspector. >> Uh, you see, there was this little matter of an armed robbery. They wouldn't hold it up till I got back. >> This is Sister Knives. She'll accompany me. >> Oh, hello, sister. >> Oh, you're wearing a wire? >> No, I always sit like this. >> Pissy. Uh, do you want to get in the front? Mother Helen, >> I'll be quite happy in the back. >> I'll sit in the front. Oh, car got

a CD. >> Yeah, let's go, shall we? >> Good of you to do this. >> It's chilly among the dead. >> Should try living in a section house. >> I'll put him out now, ma'am, and you can have a look at him. Oh, they've got a cabinet full of corpses. Which drawer did they file him in, sir? The third column, second from the bottom. And here's one we prepared earlier. >> Sir, I warned you it's a bit of a mess. Please come over. Kelp will uh lift the sheet. You just need to have a quick

glance. >> Are you all right, Mom? >> Yes. >> Well, that is not Father Jack. >> It's not. >> What we going to do now, sir? His fingerprints and DNA have drawn a blank. >> Are you quite sure that's not Father Jack? Expect you've only ever seen him in a clerical collar. >> I'm positive there is a reason why I know it's not Father Jack. >> What might that be? >> Because it's Father Ambrose. Cushy number these priests have rose covered cottage with satellite dish. Nothing to do but be waited on hand and foot by

a bunch of new young nuns. I could do with some of that myself. >> Could you do with having your head bashed in and then being weighed down among the waterlies with a theological tone? >> Do you think they tell them that bit when they're training to be priests? >> Oh, yes. Day one. No signs of any disturbance here. False entry. >> No, sir. Windows and doors are intact. It's just an ordinary kitchen. >> Anything like your kitchen? >> You're kidding. You need to wear a germ warfare mask to even my gaff. >> Not like

my kitchen either. It doesn't look like it's been hit by El Nino. It's tidy. In fact, it's too tidy. You could say it's immaculate. Spotless. No socks, no crumbs. Got a plate out of place. >> Do you think the nuns cleaned it up, sir? >> Somebody did. Let's see if they missed anything. >> Nothing behind this clock. Check inside the dishwasher. C. >> Nothing's there. Try under that cupboard. >> Sir, well done, Kelp. We'll have it examined. If this is what I think it is, I'll have to have another chat with Mother Helen. >> On

your own this time, Detective Inspector? >> Yes. >> I've been praying for you. for me. Waste Of time. >> We pray for everyone who visits the convent. >> Very kind of you. >> Not really. I drew the short straw. >> I'm sorry I put you through that identification. >> You haven't told me if you found anything in the priest's cottage. >> This Father Jack, he was standing in as the conference chaplain while Father Ambrose went on holiday. >> Yes, Father Ambrose wasn't due back until next Tuesday. He extended his trip by an extra day. He

wanted to visit Harrods and Kensington Palace on his return to England. Had Father Jack been here before? >> This was his first year. >> Why did you pick him? >> We didn't. Father Ambrose always sorts out his own replacement. At least he did. >> And Father Jack, he was from a city Parish, was he? >> I imagine so. >> Do you know which parish? >> I'm sure Father Ambrose kept a record. He kept meticulous accounts of everything. >> Is there a safe in the cottage? >> No. Do you mean you didn't find Father Ambrose's files?

>> Nothing. Not even his diary. >> Well, I suppose you remember when you last saw Father Jack. >> The last time most of us saw him, 6:00 a.m. on the Wednesday morning. He said our mass. >> Was there anything unusual about him? Did he seem upset? Was there anything you noticed? Anything out of the ordinary? >> I could see his pajamas beneath his cassak, if that's what you mean. When Father Jack didn't turn up for mass the following morning, I assumed he was ill. I went to the cottage, but he wasn't There. I waited to

see if he'd reappear. When he didn't, by lunchtime, I rang you. >> When we searched the cottage, we found a page that had been torn from a book, the one in Father Ambrose's pocket. We discovered it under a cupboard. It had Father Ambrose's blood on it. >> And somebody else's fingerprints. >> And Father Jack, do you think there's any chance he's still alive? >> Oh, yes. I'm pretty certain Father Jack's still alive. >> Thanks be to the Lord. >> In fact, not only am I pretty certain he's still alive, I'm pretty certain he killed Father

Ambrose. >> In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. [clears throat] Uh good morning. Uh, my name is Father Jack and I shall be taking over as your parish priest While Father Lazarus is in hospital. [music] [music and singing] There you are, sir. A Bible. Wasn't easy finding one in a police station. >> You know, Kel, what this place needs is something to help us relax. Something to help relieve the pressure and tension. >> Well, there is the uh All Saints calendar in the burglary squad office. >>

Yes, I've heard that brings some of the lads comfort on long lonely night Shifts. Where'd you find that holy writ? >> In the custody suite. Sergeant Wat, it's a Christian. Well, gave us a right lecture on the perils of the demon drink. >> Too right. Alcohol can have a catastrophic effect on your sexual performance. >> I don't think that's quite what he had in mind. Sir, >> look at the state of this Bible. It's Tatty. And it's scribbled in all the margins. >> What do you need the Bible for anyway? You're not thinking of converting,

are you, sir? >> No chance. >> Well, you seem to be getting on all right now with Mother Ellen. >> She's a nun. Never trust a nun. Kelp. Surely your mother told you that. >> Not as far as I remember. Psychiatrist friend of mine reckons the Bible's got Some keen insights into the criminal mentality. >> Be ye perfect, saith the Lord. St. Anthony sought perfection in the solitude of the desert after selling all he had and living in a pigsty at the bottom of a garden. Clearly, we can't all follow his example. Questions of socialability

and hygiene militate against it. We can't sell all we have. But we must remember we are merely stewards of all we possess. Who is worthy to inherit from you good people? Who can you trust? The meek, saith the gospel shall inherit. The message is clear. Seek out the meek urgently because we don't know when our time will come to an end. If the householder knew when the thief would call, would he not sit up and welcome him with loving arms and a baseball bat? >> Uh, could I speak to Mother Helen? >> Speaking >> the

Cromwell. Oh, [laughter] I thought it was someone else trying to sell us plots in a time share cemetery. >> I've got some good news. >> Have you been allocated a computer at last? >> We've got the results of the fingerprints we took from your chapel's chalice. >> And >> nice piece of silverware. You should have it cleaned properly. >> Does this mean the fingerprints proved useless? >> Quite the opposite. They match those we lifted from the page we found. >> Then Father Jack >> is our man. Oh, >> I appreciate you finding out which parish

he's moved to. Wouldn't have been very easy for us. >> I merely use my connections, but I warn you, he won't be there long. Only a few days while the parish priest's in Hospital. >> Don't worry, we're off to arrest him now. You've been a great help. I want to thank you. >> I've been praying for you again. >> Always pick the short straw, do you? >> No, I'm the abbis. I do get first choice. >> They said he was in [music] the lady chapel, sir. I can't see him. >> He's in that confessional. >>

How do you know that? >> He's got his name [music] above the door. >> Do you think there's anyone in with him? >> Yes. That's why the red [music] light's on. We'll wait till it changes and I'll go in the front. You go in the back and slip the cuffs on him. >> Right, sir. >> Look, look, there's [music] a woman coming out. >> Oh, the light's gone green. >> We're on, Kelp. >> Shouldn't you join the queue, sir? It seems a bit, you know, improper to barge in front of all them people. >> He

who is last shall [music] be first. St. Matthew chapter 20. He who is first shall nick the priest. Di [music] Cromwell. Chapter 1. >> In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. >> I'm not a Catholic. >> Our Lord makes no distinctions. He loves All repentant souls. >> I have a confession to [music] make. >> What is it, my son? >> I'm a police officer. We all have our crosses to bear. >> And you're under arrest for the murder of Father Ambrose. >> May God forgive you. >> I

hope so. There's a whole confident nuns going to put a word in for me. And >> that was it. He made a full and frank Confession. You and the sisters can rest these in your beds once more. >> Would it were that simple? But we recently bought a job lot of futons. Tell me, why did Father Jack do it? >> It all came out when we interviewed him. So, why did you kill Father Ambrose? >> We had a theological dispute. It got a little out of hand. >> Huh? Like the Reformation. And what was the

nature of this theological dispute? >> He was a toist, a follower of St. Thomas Aquinas. I'm a freelance Augustinian myself. Are those the religious equivalents of Los Angeles street gangs? Every time you meet, it's out the submachine guns. >> Hardly. We're much more civilized. >> Then how come Father Ambrose is dead? >> It was an accident. >> What was their argument about? >> The consciousness of Christ. He argued that our Lord being truly Human and truly divine on which we had no disagreement of course in [snorts] his human nature had no cognizance of his divinity

irrespective of the hypothasis. Whereas I argued that although endowed with free will in his truly human nature, our Lord's sense of mission sprang from an intellection of his divinity via the hypothatic union as evidenced in the gospel record. So, naturally, you killed him. >> I didn't mean to. >> What did you mean to do? Doesn't sound like you were about to give him your last roll. >> Haven't you ever been in an argument which was spiraling out of control? But you were helpless to stop it. That's what happened. One minute we were engaged in a

polite, reasoned discourse. The next he was trying to refute my proposition by thacking me on the head with a sumatoi. I tried to defend myself. The Bible allows it, you know. So does the UN charter. I wrenched the book from him. Then he caught me with a left hook, which knocked me off balance. As I fell, I swung St. Thomas Magnum Opus and sent him flying. I must have been knocked unconscious. When I came too, I saw Father Ambrose lying in a pool of his own blood. >> But if it was an accident, why didn't

he call the police? >> I panicked. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Especially not that Abbott. >> Why wouldn't I believe him? >> You know what she's like. You've met her, Inspector. >> Detective Inspector, >> she's jealous. >> Jealous >> of Sister Olria. >> Really? >> I've met Sister Olria. She showed me her exotic collection of brass rubbings. [clears throat] Mother Helen's a fine, intelligent woman. She wouldn't succumb to petty emotions like jealousy >> or love. Inspector, >> that goes without saying. I mean, who'd want you? >> You'll get a sympathetic jury and go

down for manslaughter. >> He didn't explain why Father Ambrose was back a week early. >> You'll probably never know. >> Did he show any remorse? >> I'm so sorry for what happened to Father Ambrose and for betraying the inspiration of my beloved St. Augustine of Canterbury. Inspector Cromwell, >> there's something not quite right. >> You're telling me many in Cassix whacking one another with 700y old treaties on charity? >> St. Augustine of Canterbury. >> Call it an inner voice. I have >> gut reaction. I understand. Women have Those. >> Not exactly. St. Augustine of Canterbury

is known as the co-apostle to the English. It was St. Augustine of Hippo who is the great theologian. I'm glad you couldn't make it, Detective Inspector. Ah, >> it's a big turnout. >> People are fascinated by convents and nuns. Open days are their only chance to taste and see, and they only get a little slice. The garden part is the Highlight of the day. You must have a go on some of the stalls. At 5:00, there's Sister Sam's legendary puppet theater. >> Was that like Punch and Judy? >> It's similar. This year, she's doing the

story of Judith and Holophanes. Apparently, the decapitation's quite spectacular. >> Unfortunately, I'm not here simply for pleasure. >> Has something happened? >> I found out you don't have to be a Catholic to be a priest. >> Try telling that to the Holy Office. >> I found out something else, too, which you might not like. >> I'll judge that for myself. >> Father Jack is a parent several times over, but he's not a father. My detective inspector, are you thinking of going to Delelfy for your holidays? >> Father Jack is a con man as well as

a murderer. >> Are you telling me he's not a priest? >> Yes. Father Ambrose found out and sent a letter to the bishop. >> Why didn't he tell me? >> He was embarrassed. He was the one who arranged Jack to be his replacement while he went on a pilgrimage to see the bleeding Virgin of Lutz. Even if Father Ambrose knew it wasn't reason enough to kill him. >> Doesn't end there. Father Ambrose suspected Jack was conning elderly pensioners into leaving him all their Worldly goods in appreciation of his saintly acts of charity. >> Is it

true? >> Afraid so. >> I've identified several victims willing to testify. Father Ambrose raced back before the statue could weep its first tear of blood. His intention was to turf Jack out. Instead, he was murdered. >> Oh, mother. Don't you realize if Father Jack wasn't a priest, all his masses were invalid. And our confessions, he Wasn't bound by the seal. He could have told any unsavory character what we told him. >> He told me. >> Oh, don't worry, sister. My lips are sealed. I, too, have a duty of confidentiality. >> Thank you, Inspector. >> But

I think you're a bit old for Leonardo DiCaprio. Did he say anything about me? >> He said listening to your confession Was like being pelted with tissue paper. I would take it as a compliment. >> I would take it he wasn't listening mercifully. It doesn't alter the fact we're all in a state of sin because of him. >> I thought Adam was in the frame for that. >> You're absolutely right, Detective Inspector. >> Not a bad book, that Bible. You should read it sometime. Sister Uma, there's no Need to worry. We received communion and made

our confessions in good faith. I'm sure St. Thomas would say we gained grace for that. There was nothing sinful in our actions. I'll ring the bishop. I'm sure it'll say mass for us tonight. He won't abandon his favorite convent, especially if we offer him chia loaves and Galilee farmed trout. >> It comes with passion fruit flombe if you're interested, detective inspector. >> Oh, yes, I'm interested. But I have to attend a liaison committee on breaking down community walls. >> Then it's goodbye. I hope we never meet again. >> Not quite the farewell I was expecting.

>> It was murder that brought us together. >> Yes. Well, if you ever have any more minor crimes here like bigger me or any football matches you need policing, you know where we are. >> And if you ever want any spiritual guidance, although in your case it would Mean a long-term course of intensive counseling. You know where we are. >> I must go. >> Goodbye, Inspector Cromwell. >> Kelp, sir. I'll bring the car. Sir, you keep an eye on that puppet. >> In [music] Jagged Prayer, where's Father Jack? Robert Smith. Mother Helen was played by

Cheryl Campbell, Di Cromwell by Timothy Small, DC Kelp, Jeremy Finch, and Father Jack Jonathan Oliver. [music] Sister Anaise Beth Charmers and Sister Umar Gemma Saunders. The organist was Neil Brand and the director Ned Shai. Jagged Prayer by Robert Smith. Icon or A Pocket Full of Nuns with Cheryl Campbell, Timothy Small, Jeremy Finch, and Shandor Ellis. [music] >> Think he's a suicide, sir? >> Do you? Who else would want to swing in an empty barn? >> Another bloody hanging. This country bumpkins is of no imagination. >> Tango Fox conga duty at Cromwell. Over. >> What is

it? >> There's been a report of a theft by a nun. >> Will she steal some cloth for a new wimple? >> She's not the thief. She's the victim. >> Why are you telling me? >> Said she knows you, sir. Same's mother, Helen. >> On me way. Right. Cop car. What about Chummy? He's not going anywhere. >> Shouldn't Chummy be our priority? >> Don't you think I'd rather stay here and sort out this suspicious death? >> You know, I hate nuns. It's just you and I have established a rapport with that particular convent. Not an

easy thing to do. Useful contacts have to be nurtured. >> You're not still hankering after that abbe, are you? After all this time, >> we'll leave a detective sergeant in charge here. There's one out in the farmyard. >> The block with the beer belly doing tai chi. That's him. Come on, Kelp. It's time to exercise your prayers. >> So, this is where the nuns eat. >> It's called the Rift Factory, Detective Inspector. >> Mother Helen. >> Morning, ma'am. >> It's been a long time. >> Is that a clean shirt? >> This? >> Yes, I remember

you wore it last time I Saw you. When was that? >> 6 months ago, man. >> Thank you, Kelp. So, what's happened here? It better be urgent. You know, there are penalties for wasting police time. You could have sent someone else if you're busy. >> We did leave someone hanging around, but as we're here, >> our icon's been stolen. You can see its absence on the wall. >> When did you discover it missing? >> At breakfast. I was delayed after mass. Sister Gwyneith noticed the rectangular nimbus above my chair when she got her Falklands Musli.

>> Make a note, Kelp. Have that serial analyze. >> Oh, look, sir. This window's been forced. >> It's a burglary. All right. >> We found a ladder in the grounds propped against the monastery gate. >> Have it dusted for Prince Kelp, sir. and See if it's tall enough to change a light bulb in the reactor. >> Is your police station nuclear? >> We're in temporary premises, ma'am. Well, our station's given a reverb. >> Was it worth much this icon? >> Would you like some coffee? >> Yes, please. >> Kelp, uh, why don't you take a

statement off Sister Gwinith and have a shifty around outside? >> It's nippy out there. >> Not if you keep moving. >> Biscuit inspector. >> Ah, bit funny looking. What are they? Eyes of St. Agatha. >> Sister to me. >> I baked them myself. >> Uh, no thanks. >> They're cinnamon. >> Sister to me. >> Try one of these. They're Belgium chocolate. >> Oh, chocolate. This >> I call them Bum's ass cookies. >> I'll just have a coffee if you don't mind. >> That'll be old sister to me. Poor old sister to me. We have an

infirmary full of partakers of a green banana pastilla. [laughter] >> Baking's not her forte. >> I've been meaning to ring to see how you are. I've kept an eye on our crime sheets to make sure none of you've been arrested. >> I hope you were gratified to find we weren't. >> Oh, yeah. Yeah. You haven't changed. >> Neither have you. In fact, I think you're even wearing the same tie. >> This brings back memories, don't it? Eh, me sat here. You sat there behind bars. >> About the icon. >> Yeah. >> Have you heard of

St. James the step climus? >> Does he teach aerobics? >> He was a 7th century monk who emerged from his solitary existence in the Sinai desert with an icon of Christ, which he claimed had been painted by the Archangel Raphael. So lifelike was the portrait. It was believed the icon manifested the very presence of Christ himself. >> How'd you lot get hold of it? >> The icon became the object of limitless cupidity. Its ownership established by frequent and bloody theft. In 1793 it ranked in the inventory of the secreted compie, the fabulously wealthy, infamously decadent

algicide. He donated the icon to the Parisian convent of our lady of holy agony on condition it be returned to him should he manage to escape revolutionary France. >> Did he? >> The abbis sister Marie the pious informed robes of the compt's hiding place. >> So the convent kept the icon. >> She made sure of it. While the compt was languishing in prison. She bribed two members of the committee of public safety to strangle him in a cell. >> I've left my merks in your lunch hall. Sister Marie had a reputation for helping the dying.

>> Apart from this comp, who else did she help? >> No one. >> She died shortly after him. >> Guillotine had her name on it, did it? >> She was carried off during a particularly frenetic game of Dardian Sherads. The clandestine nuns were discovered soon after, but before they could be arrested, the sisters escaped to England and the very convent in which we sit. >> Did they bring the icon with them? >> That was the intention. They had it encased in a worthless dorbing called still life with eggplant by a Flemish painter Vano. >> If

you didn't like it, couldn't you have it removed? >> I left the Vano graffito on because we couldn't have afforded to ensure the icon. So I opted not to tell the convent of his existence. But after Sister Pammy threw what she thought was, and I quote, "Enough painting of a oagene into the dust bin for the third time, I decided I better tell the whole community about our artistic and spiritual diary." [snorts] >> So they all knew what it actually was. >> Yes. >> Then any one of them could be the thief. >> Inspector Cromwell.

None of the sisters of my convent would ever conceive of stealing our icon. >> Somebody did. I have what I need. It wasn't too difficult for someone with my exceptional abilities. The nuns don't suspect. I'll leave a sataciously scheduled tomorrow. I'll phone you again when I arrive. How is Fidel? He broke a shoe. No, it could wait until I get back. I know a blacksmith who specializes in Cuban heels. How'd you get on with Mother Ellen, sir? Gives a mint. Oh, >> careful, sir. You nearly hit that pheasant. Uh, >> sorry, Kelp. I'll get the

next one. >> I talked to Sister Deme, the exter. Oh, you know that old nun lives outside the convent proper. Does all their shopping and that. >> Yeah. And learned to cook at the Bulger School of Hope Cuisine. >> Well, she told me they'd recently had a French polisher working on the tables in the refactory name John. as a smile that would make Scrooge give him 10,000 quid for a bag of crisps and let him keep the change. He seemed interested in the Oberene painting. >> Didn't tell him about the icon, did she? >> Nope.

>> Anything else? >> Well, there's also a priest staying at the convent. >> A priest? He's a definite suspect. What's he doing there? >> On retreat, she said. >> From what army? >> Has all his meals in the guest cottage. Got a designer label embossed on the front of his clerical collar. Right, let's review our suspects. >> One French polisher, one visiting priest, >> and a pocket full of nuns. >> We've made tremendous progress, Mother Helen. We've interviewed John, the French polisher. >> Is he the thief? >> We've ruled him out of our inquiries. >>

On what grounds? He would have known how to break in. He had ample opportunity to study the window locks. >> He says he doesn't know about the icon. >> He might be lying. >> We searched his place. is not an art lover. He drives an old Austin Princess. >> Have you abandoned detection for Cultural analysis, Inspector? >> Now, look here, Mother Helen. I've taken a personal interest in this case. I didn't have to. You know, >> perhaps it would be best if you resumed your more pressing work. >> No, I didn't mean um >> that

icon's our link to our French mother house. Our link to the fathers of the church. I expect you to find it. >> Yeah, well, don't expect miracles. Now, of course, that's your job. I'm sorry, Detective inspector, but you must understand the icon has come to symbolize our vocation. Interceding for the world, but living in prayerful obscurity. The hidden Christ in the hidden convent. >> Don't worry, I'll do my damnedest to get it back. >> You do have an unfortunate way with words. >> I gather there's a priest down here, >> Mons. He's having a little

difficulty with transubstantiation. >> Has he tried color lotion? >> That I don't know. I do know, however, that I don't like him. He's arrogant and condescending. >> I know the type. Most men are like that. Kelp, for instance. Sir, >> there's also something odd about the Monsenure. Although he says he's having doubts, he has a singularly emphatic and encyclopedic understanding of theology. >> You don't believe all that guff about transociation, do you? >> Implicitly. >> I think the DI means Monscior Nich's excuse for being here. >> Do I? The monsinor does seem inordinately interested in

Sister Dei. >> Perhaps he's an undercover health inspector. >> We'd like to talk to him, Mom. >> Too late. >> He departed after breakfast, leaving in His wake a cloud of musk. >> Do you know where he's going? >> Surely you don't think the monster is involved in the theft. >> I don't think anything. [music] Last call for flight 777 to Rome. >> Will passengers please make your way immediately to gate six. >> Father Ner, we're police officers. >> I'm sorry I don't give to charity. >> We'd like to ask you a few questions. >>

If you just come with us, please. >> Another time, officers. I've called my flight. I must go to I cannot be delayed. I'm afraid you can't go anywhere at present, sir, except to the police station. >> How dare you? Out of my way. >> You see, Father Nature. >> Monor. Monor. >> Monor. Nature. You're under arrest. >> Arrest for the theft of an icon. >> Me? A thief? >> What icon? >> From all Carol's convent. >> Don't worry, sir. We've had all your luggage taken up. >> You fools. I have urgent business in Rome. >>

Come along, sir. Or do we have to use the handcuff? >> But my horses, I must go to the vets. My 20-year-old ging has laryngitis. [bell] >> Martha. Yes, sister. Is that Monscior still here? >> He left yesterday. The police are after him. >> The police? Fortunately, Sister Bork happened to notice his number plate, credit card details, and that he uses non fluoride toothpaste. Is that why the police want him? >> No. They think he stole the icon. The icon? Why so interested? Sister Dei, [sighs] I've acted as secretary to the conclave of cardinals attempting

to agree on which red wine to buy for the Vatican Christmas party. So your puny attempted psychological torture are useless. >> What torture? >> That incessant hammering. >> What is that banging kelp? Sergeant Wats, it's uh he's putting up a cross in the priest's cell. Make him feel at Home. >> Sounds like he's putting up three a full set. Right, father? Mon sor officer, >> you have a right to legal representation, father. >> I don't need a lawyer. >> I don't think you understand the seriousness of your position. >> I do. Do you take me

for a [ __ ] I have been arrested on the idiotic suspicion I've stolen an icon. Then perhaps you'll Appreciate the courts take a dim view of someone like you in a position of moral authority appearing before them. You won't gain their sympathy by refusing legal advice. >> I don't need one of your lawyers because I am one myself. >> I see. So you're impersonating a priest, eh? We get a lot of that around here. >> I am a priest. I also happen to be a canon lawyer. No trace of the icon yet, But my

hunt is nature knows where it is. With any luck, it's still in the country. >> Perhaps he hid it in Hedro. >> No, I meant still in England. >> Yes, an English hedro. Where else? >> We've interviewed him. >> Another turn round the drive. >> What's a cannon lawyer when he's at home? A barristister with a mobile scud launcher. The church has its own legal system and its own lawyers. The rules of The church are called canons, hence canon lawyers. Church law is mainly to do with discipline. I've made some inquiries myself. >> Have you?

>> About the mons in York. Did he say anything else? >> You say you didn't steal the icon. >> Correct. >> If you tell us what you were doing at the convent, we can eliminate you from our investigations and you'll be free to Go. We're only trying to establish the truth. >> The truth? The truth is what I decide it is. I have the power and the knowledge. I am the arbiter. But you look at you in your fallon readymade suit and your panda motif die. I can see in your furrows and homonoidal head the

marks of an invisible yoke tying your eyes to the trough. Your mind never looks above the rim of the career, pension, the women you seek. I am counsel to eternal truth. I am the prosecutor, the father of lies, whereas you admired in the slimy pursuit of man-made justice. >> Tell me this, if the devil's parked on a double yellow line, who you call first, an exorcist or a traffic warden? >> I am under obedience. I am not permitted to reveal the purpose of my mission to a mere detective inspector without the express permission of my

superior, his excellency Cardinal Hyde. >> Who's this Cardinal Haidiger? >> The prefect of the sacred congregation without portfolio. He is a sort of Vatican enforcer. >> A rock vor. >> Quite. Perhaps you can shed some light on a photo we found in nature's suitcase. >> What is it? >> It shows him hugging a car horse. The horse has a hoof around his shoulder. The disturbing thing is smiling. >> The horse? >> Nature didn't think that was possible. >> Some years ago, the monsor rescued an old cart horse from maltreatment in Turin. He set up a

charitable stable for distressed old nags. Officially, he remains its chaplain, but he has other secret duties, too. >> I know what he does. I found out the real reason Nether stayed here. We let him make a phone call to Rome, after which he made a statement. I wish to state for the record that I'm innocent of all allegations of theft or crimes otherwise laid upon me. My purpose in visiting your hospitable little country was to conduct a covert ecclesiastical investigation at all Carol's convent. That investigation is now 98.5% complete. Therefore, I humbly demand that you

release me immediately as I must return to Rome urgently to present my findings before his eminence and the church and so that I can take my Dep with a long man for a perm. >> He's investigating the convert. But why? What did he say? >> Not another word. >> Whatever the reason, he's made a mistake in stealing our icon. >> There's a problem. >> Problem? Detective Inspector? >> With the evidence? >> What problem? With the evidence? >> There isn't any. >> Don't suppose you've looked at his Computer files yet? I have to find out what

possible case he could have against us. >> Are you sure you've told me the truth? Are you sure there's nothing illegal going on here? Mother, mother, >> I have a confession to make. >> You I might have known. It's always the quiet ones with the dodgy home baking. You going to come quietly, sister, to me, or I'd have to put the cuffs on you, >> detective inspector. >> Sister to me? I'm arresting you for the theft of the icon. >> But I didn't steal it. >> Then what do you want to confess? I'm married to

Christ. Sister, we're all married to Christ. No, mother. I'm married. When I joined the convent, I was married, and I'm still married now. >> Maybe I should cuff you anyway. >> Then you're not a widow. I want to be. And your husband? He wasn't killed in an horrific bus accident on the Hyandes. He did get slight dispsia. Why did you lie to us? I felt I had a vocation. The kids had grown up, left home, and I was sick of living with a [ __ ] with false teeth and a trill who spent his time

trying to get a job on Club 18 to 30 Holidays as a couch DJ. So, I ran away. >> But you're 75. I mean, you must have been married 50 years. Some of your Grandchildren are probably divorced. I didn't think there was any harm in me becoming a nun. Married women frequently joined convents in the Middle Ages. >> That was always a mutual decision with a husband joining a monastery. Mind's taken out a subscription to digital telly. You're still in touch with him. >> I wonder how long you'd do for ecclesiastical bigamy. >> Sir. Sir,

wake up, sir. Oh, Kelp. Oh. >> Oh, Trent Mother Ellen was trying to Pervert the course of justice. >> Bit kinky, but you are a senior officer. >> There you go. >> Cheers, Kelp. >> Cheers. >> No pork scratching. >> Oh, forgot. I'll go get some. >> No, no, no. Leave it. >> This case, we've got a bigous nun, a missing icon, and a kleptomadeic man of the cloth who runs a sanctuary for horses and donkeys. At least we know N's trying to expose Sister Dei. He must have stolen the icon as evidence. >> No,

it's simpler than that, Scalp. He found out about it and couldn't resist nicking it. The real questions, what's he done with the icon? >> I've not been much use to you this time, Mother Helen. Have I? >> I'm sorry. I feel I've let you down. >> I know you've tried. I haven't given up. I'm this close to cracking this case. >> I appreciate your efforts. I don't know which to worry about more. The theft of the icon or sister dei. There are my quantum dilemma. Two aspects of the same problem. The future of the convent.

>> What'll happen when this nature character tells Rome about Sister Deme? >> They'll have her thrown out of the order in the time it takes to send a fax. >> It's tough on her at her age. >> What about my convent? the convent of Sister Marie the pious. Inspector, we Haven't many nuns left. We can't afford to lose any sister. It could be Rome may even close all carols. >> What would happen to you? >> We'd be dispersed to other houses of the order, either in this country or elsewhere. >> But what would happen to

you? I'd be scapegoed, exiled abroad to become a lonely sister in some forgotten Franklidd Wright built convent with plastic furniture and double glazing. >> I might never see you again. >> You'll be in my prayers as you are now, and I'll be in yours. >> But I don't pray. They can't close the convent. I don't want to have to take up talking to God. It's all right for you. You're used to being on your knees. Problem is, we're running out of time. >> How do you mean? I can't hold nature for much longer. Unless we

come up with some evidence against him and quick, I'm going to have to let him go. >> So, Mother Helen, your malicious little ploy failed. >> Ploy Monson, >> your acolyte, Inspector Cromwell, had to drop those ludicrous charges. There was no evidence. He was forced to return my property. In this laptop, I have the instrument of this convent's destruction. I have an executive class seat to Rome today. Tomorrow I shall present his excellency my floppy. I accuse you, Sister Demi. You will be Dan. Oh, and now that you have tried to frame me for stealing

some icon that doubtless doesn't even exist, I will have this convert closed for all eternity. How are you at scrubbing floors in endless cold corridors, Mother Helena? Huh? That's what you'll be doing for the rest of your life. Enjoy your title while you still can. >> I'll put my trust in faith and accept whatever God wills, but I assure you I'll fight to my very last breath to keep this convent open. >> That will increase my pleasure at seeing his destruction. >> Why are you doing this, Moner? >> Do you remember Sister Cosima? >> I

remember a sister Elizabeth who claimed you were her brother. >> She was making it up. Quite possibly. She spent all her time drawing tourists. They always ended up looking like stormtroopers. >> That does sound like my sister. >> Wasn't a sister Kosima the fat girl with perpetual hiccups. You're right, sister. She was a nightmare as a counter. >> You mock me. Sister Kosima was beautiful, intelligent, obedient, the ideal nun. >> I'd hardly call her ideal. She became most upset when we wouldn't stand in the corridor outside her room and sing to her on her birthday.

You drove her out of religious life. >> As I recall, she left the convent of her own valition. She claimed we didn't appreciate her evident sanctity. In fact, there was no evidence of her sanctity. Quite the opposite. She gradually refused to help with any of the daily chores, the cooking, the laundry, the washing up, the cleaning, and the pumping up of the tires, and Sister Thatch's wheelchair. All she would do is sit in the chapel, apparently praying, a plaster smile on Her face. It was only when she had to change her batteries that we realized

she wasn't praying at all. She was listening to a ring on her personal stereo. >> More of your lies. >> How do you know about her, Monsenor? >> She was my spiritual daughter. And because of this convent, she went off and married a fundamentalist estate agent. How I waited for this moment. >> I'd like to make the Monscior a gift. >> You want to add bribery to your list of felonies? sister wishes to show we bear you no malice and forgive the heinous injustice you're about to commit. >> I'll take that gift as further evidence.

And now goodbye. I won't see you in heaven. What was that present, Sister Dei? A box of my current buns. size could be. I mean a C. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Oh, I'll tell him. Thanks, sir. French police have arrested a man with the icon >> nature. What are you doing in France? >> No, it's not the Monsa. >> Then who is it? Kelp. >> The only living relative of the Kud goes by the name of Jack aka John and he's been working in England as a French polisher. >> Huh? >> He fooled us. Kelp.

>> Yes, sir. >> We've been left with Oberine on our visitor. >> There you go. One icon with Oberine blastered on top. >> I knew you'd retrieve it, Inspector Cromwell. >> Kelp here bought it back from France. >> Well done, Detective. Constable. Oh, was nothing, ma'am. Although French customs are convinced I'm radioactive. Must be that new mouthwash. >> Mishon says he didn't consider it thieving, merely reclaiming what's rightfully his. Once we get him put on trial, I don't think the jury will quite see it that way. >> Felix Kulpa. >> Oh, give us a description.

We'll pick him up, too. >> It means happy fault. >> If John hadn't stolen the icon, we'd never have known about Monsan. Not that He's done us any good. He'll be in Rome now. And soon this convent will be at an end. This is what comes of having evidence, detective, inspector. Far better to stick to belief. Evidence is the less durable. It can be manufactured. >> Not by us, though, ma'am. >> No, detective constable. Not by you, inspector. I think you ought to know the sisters and I have reached a decision about the icon. >>

We're going to put in the bank vault for safekeeping. >> Nope. We're going to give it away. >> You're going to what? >> In fact, we're going to give it back to Mr. John. >> But he's the thief. >> As he says, it is rightfully his. Our claim is spiritual, his moral. And as the convent is doomed, he may as well have it in the hope that it'll bring him some bad luck, too. >> Listen, you know what that nature will do to you, so why don't you jack it in? >> Jack what in? You

know, being a nun, a woman of your abilities, I could I could even get you a job as a traffic warden. What you say, Helen? >> I appreciate your concern, Detective Inspector. However, I am a daughter of the church. I must accept whatever fate she wills for me. >> Mother Monsia Nature is dead. Nature is dead. There'll be a rice smile in heaven tonight. >> What happened? >> He was found in his room in the Vatican this morning, slumped on his sofa with pastry on his lap. [clears throat] >> Cardinal Haidiger died in an attack

of heart yesterday. They said he could have been saved if he cried out, but he remained silent. >> Me is dead. Haidiger's [snorts] dead. Who does that leave? can't >> in jagged prayer. Icon or a pocket full of nuns by Robert Smith. Mother Helen was played by Cheryl Campbell. Di Cromwell by Timothy Spaul. DC Kelp by Jeremy Finch. Monscinior Ner was played by Shandor Ellis and Sister Dei by Elizabeth Bell. Other roles were played by Beth Charas. The director was Ned Shy. [music] Jagged Prayer Virtual Saints by Robert Smith with Cheryl Campbell, Timothy Spool, Jeremy

Finch, and Brian Pringle. [singing] [music] >> Here's your tea, Mr. Lord. >> Oh, needs more sugar. >> Remember what the doctor said. >> I'm 99. just think I care if it damages me health. The world went south with demise of condensed milk. >> Now tomorrow the students are coming. You know they're doing this oral history project over the internet >> and perishing debt. >> They want to interview all the residents. >> I'll get now but fuzzy fables of free spectacles and dentures from geriatrics in here. >> That's especially why they want to talk to you,

Mr. Lord. You have such persp. They're particularly interested in what you remember about life in the town During World War II. There was a war on. People got away with murder. [music] [singing] [singing] [music] >> Revelation is the original virtual reality. As we create what we experience in cyberspace, so cyberspace inspires what we create. Likewise, the word became more flesh the more intimately Jesus embodied in his earthly life the promise Of the old testament and incarnated the vindication of the new. The church has yet to awaken to the potential of the virtual dispensation. Once we've

overcome the unreality of it all, and therein lies tradition. >> Any more custard creams? The point I'm getting to is this. With the help of Sister Anise, I may have founded the convent of the future. A convent free from the fear of declining numbers of sisters. The cyber convent. >> The what? >> People can now visit us on the internet and register as cyber nuns. We've almost 250 already. >> What people? >> Whomsoever wishes to. We don't know who they are. >> Don't like the sound of that. Oh, why not? >> Well, they might be

blossy nuns. >> They may well be. In any case, even if they're women, they're probably using False names. >> Well, doesn't that bother you? >> Not in the slightest. We ourselves adopt names when we join the order. >> I didn't know you took on aliases. [laughter] >> Well, you have. You weren't born Detective Inspector Cromwell. Unless you had extremely pushy parents. >> What do they do then, these cyber nuns? They participate in the daily life of the cyber convent. There's a full Herrarium including the complete divine office starting at 6:00 a.m. and ending at 1000

p.m. There's computer mass. There's recreation when the cyber sisters can chat together online. And then there's regular periods of silent prayer and mental reflection. >> It's beyond me all this computer stuff. I'm stood in the steam age. Then you'd better electrify yourself, detective inspector. Don't you realize the potential for solving crimes by a Computer? >> A good police officer should be able to solve any crime by the use of their brain. >> How true. Yet how rarely good police officers and brains coincide. Present company accepted. Of course, you really should visit our website. >> But

I'm forgetting. You haven't a computer? I'll ask Santa at Christmas. Maybe you can get me one from a ram ra with his sled. >> Right, Kelp? What have we got? >> A leg bone, basically, sir. Chard. >> Anything else? >> Three finger bones. Oh, and a thumb. All charred. Possibly a couple of fragments of clothing. Could be a uniform. It's khaki. Rests all burnt. Sir, >> what is this place called? >> Used to be a boot factory. got converted during the war to supply food to the RAF. Was bombed in 1944. Been derelictked ever since.

>> Comforting to know we live in a thriving part of the country. [snorts] >> Lwappa did a good job here. >> Oh, it wasn't them, sir. It was one of our own lot. Some feud about bread and blubber pudding. >> And what's with this mountain of kitchen decor here? >> After the bombing, the remnants of the kitchen equipment were piled up into this big heap. Nobody disturbed it cuz rumor was this place was haunted. >> How do we find our char grilled friend? >> Local MP Jeffrey Choser was dedicating this as the site for the

new call girl center. Uh call center, sir. >> Yeah, well knowing ch your first version was correct. >> When the contractors started clearing away the heap of kitchen implements, one of the press lads spotted >> ch fibula coming out of the casserole. I get the picture. The deceased was killed andor set on fire and then the vats and Ladles and jugs and pans piled on top of his remains. >> Could have been killed in the bombing. >> My lunch is not, sir. >> So, we're left with a burnt body under a pile of wartime cooking

utensils. With an exhibit like this, we could win the Turner prize. >> What are those constables doing? >> Don't know, sir. Oh, taking photos of each other in front of Chummy's EP. >> Hey, you three, stop taking your holiday Snaps. This is a crime scene, not a day trip to Pompei. And stop eating those burgers. Oh, you just can't get the staff. >> What should we do now? >> Research, Kelp, research. >> Ah, unsolved murders, Miss Pers, the usual for 1944. Back to the station, then, sir. >> No, Kelp. We're off to an internet cafe.

Oh, this is great here, sir. We should come more often. Pity the hour's nearly Up. You still on the page? This computer doesn't work, Kel. It's bust. >> Why didn't you ask for help? >> I'm not asking that spotty kid in charge to get me unstuck. >> You should have asked me then. >> I didn't think I'd have to. I thought you'd have made sure I was all right. See as you're getting this gratis courtesy of my c budget. Instead, you were too busy peter panning around on the ether. >> Sorry, sir. What were you

trying to do anyway? >> Well, I want to see the convent website. >> Oh, fancy visiting that myself. What? What's the address? >> You know what it is? It's on the edge of the woods. You've been there often enough. >> No, sir. The website address. >> Oh, um, it's uh www something. I think it's wrong. Look, all you have to do is type it in this box. See? Then you click here. >> All right. Now, what >> we wait? [music] >> Welcome to All Carol Cyber Convent. >> Sounds like Mother Ellen. >> A bit. >>

Do you want to register as a cyber nun? >> Well, do you, sir? Go on. Your secret's safe with me. >> It better be. Please enter the name you wish to use in Your online religious life. >> What name should I use? >> Make something up. As long as you can remember it, >> right? Um, how about a till of the nun? >> There you go. >> Welcome, sister. Do you want to join our ecripture study group? >> Join what? >> Well, best type, no. >> Well, what next? That's the daily time Table. >> How

they got on now? >> Let's see. 3:00 mental prayer. >> Please click the floating nun if you wish to join in. Sister, >> go on in. >> Congratulations, sister. You're having an ecstasy. >> I'm good at this prayer. >> Come on, Granddad. Time's up. >> Are you talking to me, sunshine? >> Yeah. You and the one with the Miami Vice suit. >> Do you mean me? >> What's this then? The web deaf support group. >> Shouldn't you be at school? >> Shouldn't you be playing dominoes? You're coppers, aren't you? >> What makes you think that?

>> Can always tell. >> How? >> They're the ones who go straight to the porn sites. What's that you've got on Screen? >> If you must know, it's the cyber convent. >> See what I mean? Well, dodgy [singing] [music] >> sisters, I have convened this chapter meeting to discuss the urgent question facing us, our future. [gasps] I became a nun here as a teenager 25, 30 years ago. I have seen countless aspirins come, many of them women, some Of them stable. I have seen an assortment of them become postulants. Some of whom thought we prayed

too much. Some of whom thought we weren't praying enough and some of whom thought we had, and I quote, the prayer thing under control. But what they were really keen on was the home brewed beer at supper. From all those who tried to become nuns in the past decade, only five have made it to solemn profession. Sadly, over the past 10 years, many sisters have left Us, either for heaven or to return to their families, parishes, and careers. There are only we six sisters left. Ironically, our internet convent goes from strength to strength. But we

do not live in a fantasy world. We must face reality. Sisters, we cannot continue as a viable community for much longer. We are too few and disproportionately old. The monastery is now too big for us to maintain. Sisters, our immediate problem Is how to stop our convent closing. I wish to canvas your opinion on a radical proposal with which you may not agree, but which I shall put to you now. I believe it's our only chance of survival. [music] What have you turned up, girl? >> Records for 1944 a bit chaotic. There were local missing

persons by the dozen. Dental records are non-existent. >> In other words, you've come up with nothing. >> Yes, sir. Chief Constable's been leaned on. Jeffrey Chauer found it highly embarrassing to be upstaged by a bloke who's been dead over 50 years. That's rich comes from a man who's been photographed leaving a house of illreute. Upshot is you and I have got to get a result, mate. Pronto. >> Sergeant Watset suggested we have a seance. >> A seance? >> You know, raise the spirit of the deceased and have an interview with him. Sergeant Watit said he's

quite willing to have a go. >> Is he? >> He says it'd have to be done at night. Think he's after the overtime. That's him now. >> What's he doing, Kel? >> Sharpening stakes, sir. >> Stakes? What for? In case the spirit gets out of hand, we have a couple of The lads ready with steaks, mallet, and job issue garlic. >> Would it be similar to have Sergeant Watsit certified? >> He's already a lodge member. Sir, >> well, leaving aside the Bella Lagosi approach to policing, we need to look at our murder from another angle.

Kelp, >> we need a different perspective. >> Ah, lateral thinking, sir. >> Precisely, Kelp. Lateran thinking. You're looking very smart today for a Change, detective inspector. >> I perceive you have a new Armani suit. >> You're in the wrong business, Mother Helen. You're the one who should be a detective. >> It requires little in the way of deduction when there's still a designer label on your outer left sleeve. >> Is there Oh, I'm not thinking straight at the moment. >> Something troubling you? >> I'm having a spot of bother with an Obstinate skeleton. >> The

poor individual found in the derelik factory. Yeah, hot cross bones. To be honest, I'm stumped. >> The fathers of the church considered characters in the New Testament to be foreshadowed in the Old. It's called typology. Thus, Adam is a type of Christ. The crossing of the Red Sea is a type of baptism and so on. Perhaps there's a lesson for you in applying symbolic interpretation to contemporary Instances. >> You mean like Moses and Charlton H? Not exactly. >> What I had in mind was that your victim reminds me of Akan, son of Ki, son of

Zabdi. >> Who? >> He's in the book of Joshua. Inspector Cromwell, chapter 7. Ahan stole some of the things devoted to God, >> such as >> money, gold, an elaborate coat. The Ancient Israelites stoned him to death, burnt him and his family and his livestock, and raised a huge heap of stones over him in a place called the Valley of Trouble. How do they know he was the thief? >> God called him out. >> Thank you, Mother Helen. You've given me an idea. >> It's a pleasant diversion from the convent's trouble. >> What trouble? Somebody

been stealing Your plastic duck from the pond again. >> Oh, what that were the extent of my worries, the sad truth is, detective inspector, the convent may well have to close. >> I'm not surprised. >> I did think you'd show a little more concern. I've come to consider you a good friend of the convent. You've become a permanent feature of our lives. Like the damp on the walls. >> Well, thank you. But uh you have to admit you don't earn a living. >> We work. We earn our daily bread by the sweat of our brows.

>> As what? Car mechanics. >> Traditionally, the enclosed nuns make alter breads, but there's competition now from commercial concerns. We run a smallcale printing press with correspondingly minuscule profits. And as you know, we grow and sell organic produce. Recently, we've gone into Internet publishing. It's a special dispensation courtesy of our bishop because our numbers are so scant. >> The bishop. The bishop. Always poking his nose in. >> So, what are you going to do? You'll have to stop being a nun, Ellen. >> Certainly not. We're negotiating an amalgamation. >> Who with Microsoft? >> We have

a sister house in Barchester. They occupy what used to be an arms House in the 19th century. Six old men in frocks were discovered to be living there. They claimed they were each promised £100 a year to do so by a novelist. The money was never forthcoming, of course. Our sisters bought the house in 1882. It looks like we shall be moving down there to join them. >> Moving? You You mean you're going away? >> I wanted to tell you as soon as Possible. >> But where will I get my organic turnips? >> Use your

head. But Helen, uh, I thought you'd started that cyber convent and it was very successful. >> It is, but virtual nuns can't peel potatoes. Sister Attilla. >> Uh, you know, did Kelp tell you? >> No. You gave the C office number as a contact. [laughter] >> Oh, >> once more on the drive. He's living in that big [music] old house. >> There you go. >> Cheers, C. >> Your idea was spot on, sir. In 1944, there was a major unsolved [music] theft in Westerell. >> Let's have it. >> £30,000 was stolen from the home of

one Cyrus Lord. >> £30,000? Lot of money in those days. >> What's more, Cyrus Lord was the owner of the food factory that got bombed. >> How come it was never pulled down? Was it preserved by some local government apparach with a focus group and a warp sense of tourism? >> Don't know, sir. The only reason it's being developed now is the owner had to sell it to pay his bills for living in a retirement home. >> Mr. Lord is still alive. >> Yes, sir. >> Good work, Culp. Yes. Just have a word of this

Mr. Lord. >> You all right, sir? I'm a bit worried. You're not your usual suluric self. >> When I was a kid, Those surpassed his jewelers on the way to school and back. [music] >> There was a watch in the window. It >> was beautiful. Solid gold with an azure face and a stopwatch facility. >> I was eight and I wanted it more than anything else in the whole world. >> I thought it was going to be there forever waiting for me. [music] And one day it was gone. >> Sold. I was gutted. But it

taught me the things we love the best are the things we can't have. >> That's why I became a copper. To protect the innocent. >> No. To Nick, the bastard who bought my Watch. Drink up. Let's have another. >> I know this. Do you think that's why? >> Yes, Kelp. I do. Someone's about to close my jewelers. But sister, it's important I speak to mother Helen now. >> I'm sorry, but it's late. The bell's about to ring for the great silence. We're forbidden to talk again till 7:00 in the morning, so we'll have to wait

until then. >> But I must tell her about the watch in The window. >> Go home, Inspector. Sleep it off, please. [bell] >> Helen. Helen. Mr. Lord. >> Mr. Lord. >> Mhm. >> There's two gentlemen to see you. >> Mr. Cyrus Lord. >> I I'm Detective Inspector Cromwell. >> That's a bit of a mess. Jungan, can't they only drink? I had a shiny suit like that once. Mind Mine was only shiny on backside. >> I'm Detective Constable Kelp. >> Pleased to meet thee. They haven't sat me with him, have they? Decent looking lad like you.

>> I'd like [clears throat] to ask you some questions if you don't mind. >> That's not trying to sell us a used car Off the internet. Is the >> No, Mr. Lord. I want to ask you about the war in your food factory. >> A factory? That's all it? We found a body beneath a heap of cooking appliances. >> Took me long enough to find him. >> Did you say him? >> Do you know who it is, sir? >> My eldest. >> Your son? >> I Judas by name. Judas by nature. >> If you knew

he was dead, why don't you tell the police? >> Do I look that stupid? >> How did you know he was there, Mr. Lord? >> It's where I left him. Where you left him? Ah, after I killed him. >> Oh, C. >> Detective Inspector. >> Mother Helen, [clears throat] where are you? >> I'm on my way to Bister. Inspector Cromwell, your behavior last night was Disgraceful. >> Uh, yeah. Um, >> turning up at the convent store drunk and making an exhibition of yourself. Yeah, I'm I'm very sorry about the chunder in the night, but I

I needed to uh >> Poor Sister Porterus deserves an apology. She was most upset. You threatened to arrest her for wearing a fluorescent watch. >> Did I? Oh, I did. I didn't mean to. >> Then when she told you you couldn't speak to me, you demanded to speak to someone else. Sister tried to suggest you pray. >> I thought she was pointing at the roof. >> Then why did you say if you start talking to God, the next thing you know, you're stood on one leg on a pillar in Asia Minor. Well, I I saw

this film once. >> I'm extremely annoyed with you. You've undermined the sister's confidence in me At this difficult stage in our negotiations. >> I apologize. >> I haven't time to hear this. Some of your colleagues in Basich here have pulled us in. They want a word about Sister Schemac's driving. Here, talk to them. >> I told I killed him. >> Mr. Lord, I feel I have to remind you this is a formal interview in the presence of your legal representative. >> I know. >> Are you sure your son's death wasn't an accident? >> Why? >>

It was a very long time ago. You probably can't remember the events accurately. >> I can remember what happened as clear as a bell. >> There's no point covering up for someone else. Not after [snorts] all this time. >> But Mr. Lord, >> I'm telling you, I did it. >> Okay, but I'm sure you didn't mean to kill him. >> I did. >> But in self-defense. I attacked him. >> You must have been provoked. >> No, I knew what I was doing. I meant to kill him. It was premeditated. >> Did your son steal the

30,000? >> I >> What happened >> in them days? I'm talking about during The war. There weren't much in the way of banks around here >> like now. >> If you want real crooks, get this old run to any bank and arrest a ruddy lot of them. >> You were telling us what happened during the war. I I used to keep firm's money under mattress. Then one night it were all gone. 30,000 all in notes. I reported it to police, but they didn't do not. [snorts] Some months later, I Got an anonymous note telling me

my son Judas had took the cash. Now, he was one who pressed me into turning factory into making food. Said we make a fortune. We did. That was money he stole. Then he got called up. >> And what did you do? >> Buying me time. When he came home on leave, I confronted him. He had Mickey taking the money. So I shot him with his own revolver. >> You murdered your own son. >> He stole from me, wouldn't you? >> No, sir. I wouldn't. Why would Judah steal from you, Mr. Lord? >> He were a

wronger and always have been fighting at school, thieving from jobs, making h on his lasses illegitimate mothers, running up debts, doing everything he could to bring shame on his father's name. >> Did you get the money back? >> Ah, he told me where he did it. >> Then we only have your word for it. The Money was stolen. >> What's that mean? You said it was Judah's idea to convert the factory to food production. >> And it was obviously successful. >> That's slow. I tell thee. We were making money and over fist. >> Then if

it was his idea, wasn't Judas entitled to summon a profits? >> He got the factory blown up. >> Why did you call him Judas? Bit of an odd name to choose, isn't it? >> Cuz he killed his mother. >> Murdered her. as good as she died giving birth to him. I'd wanted to swap him for a sutterine ever since. >> What happened after you shot him? >> The night before the RAF bombed the factory because of Judas's puddings. They'd worked out that nice shine they had was boot polish and the raisins were chopped up laces.

So I took me chance, burned his body to make it look like he Died in the bombing and buried him beneath the pottery and rubble. He who lives by the sew it dies by the sew it. >> I have to report, sisters, that our negotiations with Barchester convent have reached a successful conclusion. They have decided in favor of the amalgamation proposals. It remains for us to vote on whether we agree to join them or not. I know it's a hard choice to have to make. It wouldn't be easy for Us to move. Let us pray

that the Holy Spirit may guide us in our decision. And now, sisters, here are your ballot papers. >> I appreciate you sparing the time to see me, Chief Constable, sir. I know you're very busy. I'll carry your cuffs, sweet, sir. The uh murder's cleared up. Mr. Cher sent me a book in gratitude. I know he signed it, sir, but are we sure he wrote it? I'd like to discuss a personal Matter with you, sir. I've made a decision. Uh, but I'd like your approval before I go ahead with it. Um, think you're going to need

a sandwiched, sir. There you go, Kelp. A double. >> Thanks, sir. Cheers. >> Cheers. >> I still think someone of Mr. Lord's age shouldn't be tried. Of >> course you should, Kelp. Murder is Murder. Now, we all get old, but they'll all go around murdering someone first. He should get life, which in his case would be about 3 months. >> In the end, it'll be up to the CPS whether he's prosecuted. >> I think you ought to know, Kelp. I've uh put in for a transfer and I've been accepted. >> Transfer? Why, sir? >> Oh,

look at me, Kelp. I'm pushing 50. >> Pushing it over and jumping up and down On it. >> I need a change. Excitement, new challenges. There's nothing for me here. >> We've just solved a murder. It >> wasn't a proper murder. It was more like a biblical reenactment. >> Where are you thinking of going, sir? >> Haven't really thought about it, sir. Maybe Barchester, the cathedral town. A bit desperate, isn't it? I was expecting you to say you wanted to put in a transfer with me >> to Bchester. You can't even find it on the

map. >> Have you told Mother Ellen you're leaving yet? >> Look, uh I suspect you know how I feel. >> Stupid >> about about You know, >> I have some information, >> which is why I'm pleased to tell you I've got a transfer to Bchester. I know it's full of dithering clerics and fat old mage, but believe you me, there's More going on there than withering looks over who took a second crumpet at the bishop's tea party. >> I'll miss you. >> No, you won't. Cuz I'll be there. Where you are, >> but I'll be

here. >> You'll [clears throat] be where? >> Here. Bas convent is joining us. >> But I thought you lot were going there. >> So did we. We voted unanimously in favor of moving. >> So what's the problem? Neither our bishop nor botisters wanted to lose their only convent of contemplatives. It's a status symbol rather like having a jag. Both agreed that we had to amalgamate, but neither would back down, but being men of God, they settled it amicably. >> How? >> By arm wrestling. >> Bishop's arm wrestling. >> Our bishop won. It was a bit

unfair. He Was his seminary bantamweight and calligraphy champion. Five years running, which means we're staying. As we have the bigger house, it does make sense. >> Bloody hell. >> Inspector Cromwell. >> Excuse me, Mother Helen. Uh, I have to dash. I have to withdraw that transfer application. My mother was right. She said, "Never trust a woman with a tablecloth on her head." >> In Jagged Prayer, Virtual Saints by Robert Smith, Mother Helen was played by Cheryl Campbell, Di Cromwell by Timothy Sp. DC Kelp by Jeremy Finch, and Mr. Lord by Brian Pringle. The Carer and

Sister by Elizabeth Convoy and The Youth by Tom George.