The Worst King in English History?

What makes for a bad English monarch? Loss of  territory? The British Empire disintegrated under the rule of Elizabeth II and many people  loved her.

Exploitation of their people? Charles I taxed his subjects into oblivion to  buy analogue NFTs. General sadistic behavior?

Richard III probably killed his nephews  and definitely drowned his brother in wine. Yet when one thinks of the worst English  monarch, one name consistently comes to mind: King John. But this begs the question:  Was King John really that bad?

Yeah, was I really that bad? Yeah, you kinda were. Through the Early Middle Ages, Europe didn’t  have nations as much as they had kingdoms of culturally-similar peoples, kinda like a  high school cafeteria.

The Franks were the cool kids, the Byzantine - the posh kids,  Anglo-Saxons - the kids from the sticks, Italians were the weird religious kids, the  Moors were the foreign-exchange students, and the Visigoths were like Goths in our time  and appropriately crushed out of existence. But there was one more clique, the metalheads  known as the Vikings. And by the turn of the millenia, the height of the Viking  Age, leaders like Rollo the Walker had headbanged his way into France.

Okay, okay. You can have some land and call it Normandy. While England was being invaded by leaders like Sweyn Forkbeard and his son Cnut,  whose name is far funnier if you have dyslexia.

And then in 1066, William, Duke of Normandy, had  the best idea this side of combining peanut butter and chocolate, Invade England, and link the two  realms together. Despite him being an invader, the English people cheered at his coronation. Which William’s guards mistook for an assassination attempt and  started massacring everyone.

Ahhhhh! ! !

! But over the course of William’s reign he unified the two sides, brought Norman culture to  England, and established a dynasty that would run smoothly long after he was gone… or at least until  his son Henry I died, starting “The Anarchy,” just about the coolest name for a Civil War  ever. Suck it “War Between the States.

” Enter Henry II of Normandy, who on account of his  exiled mother having claim to the English throne, invaded England at the young age of 14. C’mon guys. It’ll be easy.

Sire, are you sure? You  have no experience and well, your parents didn’t sign your permission slip. So what, I’m 14.

That’s middle aged for the middle ages. What’s the worst that can happen? So yeah, mom.

Um, we kinda got captured and I need you to pick me up. Oh no, Henry. I told you not to go but you just had to prove that you’re a man now.

You know  you’re just like your father. All you Plantagenet men are the same. God forbid you listen.

Uh, kid. Your mother sure is a handful. Tell you what.

Why don’t I make you my heir  and we call this whole civil war off. King Stephen, but isn’t your  son Eustace already your heir? It would seem that God does not want that so.

Count Eustace, it is not right to pillage a house of God. If God has a problem with it, he’s free to let me know. Ha, ya missed me, big guy.

So with that, Henry II became heir to the English  throne, and shortly after inherited the title of Duke of Normandy and Count of Anjou. Now over  in France, King Louis VII was becoming irritated with his wife, Eleanor of Aquitane. They had  been married for 15 years and had even went on the Second Crusade together.

Eleanor, are you and your Amazonians done cosplaying as Crusaders yet? Considering how well this crusade is going under your leadership, I could ask you the same thing. When after a decade and a half, Eleanor had yet to give Louis a male heir, both parties  were ready for an annulment, and thus pulled out the tried and true royal excuse.

Consanguinity. After checking the records, it has been discovered that Eleanor and  Louis are third cousins, once removed. And within weeks, Eleanor got re-married to  Europe’s most eligible bachelor, Henry II, who was also her third cousin.

Royal lineage is less of a family tree and more of a family braid. When King Stephen died, now-King Henry and Queen Eleanor became the power couple of Europe.  There might have been some early awkwardness considering Eleanor was like 12 years older.

Alan Rickman’s definitive role was Hans Gruber. Are you mad? He was and  always will be Severus Snape.

Ironically, I liked him best  as the Sheriff of Nottingham. Shut up! But the one thing they could agree on is that they  really liked holding hands with each other, producing eight children, four of the surviving  being boys, the youngest of which named John.

It’s about bloody time you got to me. But when Henry II wasn’t getting busy with Eleanor, he was getting busy with  England. He reformed legal systems, creating the basis for English “Common Law.

” Okay, so we’ll have a unified court system, reinstate juries, and create a cadre  of traveling judges with no biases to the local communities. Is there anything else? Can we make it legal to hang toilet paper under, rather than over?

Hmph, guard. He also established his authority over rebellious  barons, destroying unlicensed castles across England, and making a chunk of change in the  process. He regained control of Scotland and Wales, took Ireland, and by combining that with  his continental lands, created the Angevin Empire, which was less of an empire and more of a  patchwork of kingdoms and fiefdoms.

Now, Henry had to figure out his succession.  As part of 1169’s Treaty of Montmirail, Henry announced his sons’ inheritances. To you, Henry the Younger, my first born, you will be king of England as well as  the Duke of Normandy and Count of Anjou.

I better be. Richard, my second son, you will be the Duke of Aquitaine. Well, at least I won’t have to hang out in England.

Yeck. Geoffrey, my third born, I leave to you the Duchy of Brittany. That’s right, it’s Brittany!

John, John, John. What do you  want for an inheritance boy? My mind had gone blank.

Frantically I  tried to remember what it was I wanted. I was blowing it, blowing it. How about a nice football?

Football? What’s a football? Without  conscious will, my voice squeaked out: Football?

Okay, get him out of here. A football! Oh, no.

What was I  doing? Wake up, stupid, wake up! No!

I wanna rule England and Normandy and the  rest of the Angevin Empire and have the church and barons and people love me forever! You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Meanwhile, Henry II began to  riff with the Catholic Church, starting a consequential feud with his friend  and Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Becket.

Royal courts! Church courts! Royal courts!

Church courts! If a member of the clergy is accused of a  crime, the church will put them on trial. Like hell they will.

Commit a crime in my  land, go to my royal courts. Now get out! Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest!

? Father, do you really mean that? Sigh.

No, John. Deep down I know that he is  only doing what he thinks is right. After all, Thomas is one of my oldest friends, a dear  colleague.

Say, knight, what do you have there. Uhhhh. Show it to me.

What have you done? But… you were enemies. He was a bishop of Rome!

Now while John would spend much of his childhood  away at school in Anjou, Henry II kept Henry the Younger close, even crowning him as a sort of  junior king in 1170, though the Young King felt he wasn’t being taken seriously. Dad, I want to be treated like a real king with real power. What makes you say you’re not?

I’m getting none of the taxes, no one respects  me, and my crown says Burger King on it. Oh, does someone need a nap? Hold on a second. 

John, I’ve arranged a marriage for you because that’s something you do for a 5-year-old and now,  you’ll get 3 of your brother’s castles in Poitou. Say what! ?

Mom, it’s not fair. Those are my castles. Darling, you will literally have hundreds more.

I’ve checked with the continental barons, the Scots, the church, even your ex, Louis VII,  and they’d all have our backs if we revolted. Open rebellion against your father? I don’t  know.

Geoffrey, why have you joined this cabal? You know, bros before… um… Dad-dohs.  Whatever, I’m still work shopping it.

Boys, this will plunge the  kingdom into civil war again and rip our family in twain. Huh, what’s that? Nah, the Queen and I have an open relationship.

So how’s about we head to my chambers  and I give you the ol’ Norman invasion. Crush him. Thus started the Great Revolt of 1173-1174, in  which Henry II just manhandled everyone.

How did you beat us? We literally  had everyone on our side. You forget one thing.

I’m frickin’ Henry II. Plus  I figured out a way for the church to forgive me. For your sins against Bishop Becket and the  church, we will flog you in the view of everyone.

What they don’t know is… that’s my kink. But  I understand your frustration, I applaud your agency, and I forgive your transgressions. Mine as well, right love?

Less forgivingly, Henry would imprison  Eleanor for the next 16 years. Yeah, that’s about right. Had John rebelled along with his brothers?

No, since he was a powerless six-year-old prince, and  this is maybe where historians begin claiming he was Henry’s favorite. But let’s face it.  That’s like the teacher’s favorite being the kid that pees his pants because all the other  kids are busy pooping theirs.

Speaking of pooping, Henry the Younger, while attempting another revolt  against his father, died of dysentery. Henry II, saw that the now 16-year-old John may  actually have a part to play in his dynasty. Richard, in lieu of your brother Henry no longer  being of living status, I declare that you will now inherit England, Normandy, and Anjou.

Aw, do I have to take England? Yes, you do. Now, in return, I ask that you  relinquish your claim to Aquitaine to your brother John.

Screw that! Dad, can he just refuse? Yeah, you said that land would be mine.

That’s not fair. Fair? When England was my birthright did I wait for fairness to resolve  the issue.

John and Geoffrey, you have my blessing to go right this wrong. Together, the two brothers… would fail miserably in their conflict against Richard. Stop hitting each other.

Stop hitting each other. It did not go well. Even Henry had to agree  John needed more training as a leader.

Maybe you're not ready to take on your  brother. Instead I can make you-- King John of Ireland. Kneel  before me and tremble.

Actually sir, the pope hasn’t  signed off on that yet so… Lord John of Ireland. Kneel  before me and nervously fidget. Ha.

So you’re the son of the English king. Ohhh, are these real leprechauns? Do leprechauns really smell like this?

Like peat  moss and defeatist literature? No, these are the chieftains of Ireland. Over  the decades, we’ve established a fragile, uneasy truce with them.

That’s cool. Can I pull on their beards? I’m gonna pull on their beards.

Ah, would you let go of me beard. I’ve never been so insulted in my life. Lads, we riot.

Within a year, John lost all of his army and money to Irish insurgents, and fled back to England. Good, that little pup’s gone home. Now tell me, have potatoes arrived in Ireland yet?

No, not yet. Oh, bollocks. John would return to England, broke and embarrassed.

Still, his prospects  would improve in 1186 when Geoffrey decided to participate in a jousting tournament. Lord Geoffrey, your garniture is well polished and will surely blind your foe. Yeah, I’m shiny as balls.

Let’s go. My lord, you’re alive and mostly unscathed. Yes, thank the lord.

Hold on, what are you putting on my wounds? Oh, just the standard medical sealant of honey. But I’m allergic to honey.

And with that, John had lost another brother, and was even more valuable to the family. John was  only two heartbeats away from the throne, a future never intended for him. What would he do next?

Get in loser. We’re going rebelling. Why are you rebelling this time?

It’s not  like I’m not getting Aquitaine anymore. Yeah, I know. Dad finally released mom so now  she’ll get Aquitaine back but Johnny.

You gotta realize that Dad is irrelevant. He’s the king of England! Which is like being the smartest kid on the  short bus.

John, England is lame, We’re not even speaking English, we’re speaking French. Then why don’t we have accents? Because between the Lafayette and  Gouverner Morris videos, there’s enough bad French accents on this channel.

There’s always room for one more. Who’s that? That’s King Philip of France.

And yeah, he’s a jerk but remember that our continental holdings  are fiefdoms of his kingdom. Face it, John. Dad is decrepit and the British Isles are the sticks. 

The European continent is where it’s at. Normandy, Anjou, Aquitaine. That’s what’s important.

So, are you in or are you out? John was stuck in a no-win situation. Side  with his increasing ailing father or betray him in favor of his brother and the French king. 

Fortunately, fate soon made a decision for him. So Richard is having (cough) another  go at (cough) his old man, is it? It would seem so, my liege, but at the top  of the list of rebels it seems, is John.

Your grace? It would appear the king, upon hearing his favorite son has  betrayed him, has died of a broken heart. What?

A broken heart? Who is he? Padme  Amidala?

The guy’s been coughing up blood for weeks. What kind of doctor are you? Don’t  you realize that people die of actual causes?

You know, you’re right. The king has clearly  died because--THIS MAN IS A WITCH! !

! And with the death of Henry II, Richard  became king of England and promptly said Screw this. I’m going on a crusade.

You’re leaving? Hell yeah. I’m not sticking around this  store-brand country.

Me, Philip II, and the Holy Roman Emperor Frederick Barbarossa  are gonna definitely take back the Holy Land. But don’t worry. I’m leaving some to rule in  my stead.

Someone I can trust. Someone that deserves the honor… William de Longchamp. That guy that looks like white windowless vans will be invented specifically for him?

Longchamp it is. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gotta drop a deus vult on this Saladin guy. .

With Richard away, Longchamp quickly let the power go to his head, spending lavishly, arresting  rivals, attacking nobles, and just standing there on the left side of escalators. The left  is for walkers. Eventually John got word to his brother about the troublesome Longchamp.

Really? C’mon! I leave my realm for a second and the whole thing starts falling apart.

Fine,  Longchamp’s out. Can I trust you not to futz the whole thing up before I get back? Really, me.

Yeah, I got it. Hey, how’s the crusading going? It’s… it’s going.

Stupid Barbarossa managed to drown in a river and Philip II got the  sniffles and went home but I think I’ll get the best of this Saladin joker any day now. Hey, I heard you got married. You’re not expecting any heirs anytime soon.

God no. The only thing I plan on spending less time in than England is my wife. John,  I should tell you that I’ve decided my heir should be a real relative, real blood. 

That’s why I’ve chosen my royal heir to be… our nephew Arthur, Geoffrey’s kid. But he’s two years old? So, I was two years old once  and I turned out fine.

Listen, I gotta go. That jerk Duke Leopold of Austria is  trying to raise his standard next to mine. Yeah, you Leo.

Get your bloody rag off the wall and  away from my kingly colors. John, I gotta go. Perhaps it was here when, after a  life of being considered irrelevant, then coming so close to power, only to have  it dashed away yet again, the John we know began to emerge.

Cheerwio? Go to hell. And soon a situation unfolded that would open the door to John’s ultimate rise.

While Richard  didn’t succeed in winning back the Holy Land in the Third Crusade, he did succeed in pissing off  several European monarchs and now that the Crusade was over, it was game on for political vendettas.  Philip II, Richard’s main frenemy, made it known that all French routes home were closed to the  English king, forcing Richard to go in disguise through the more hostile path of Austria. Remember boys, if anyone asks, we are but ordinary pilgrims.

Halt, who goes there? It is I, Richard the Lionheart.  Dammit!

Oh, hi Leopold. My what a lovely standard you have there. Richard was captured by Leopold, and passed along to the new Holy Roman Emperor Henry VI, who  held him hostage on the allure of a potentially gigantic ransom and by the persuasion of Philip of  France.

And what did John do when he found out? Okay, we all love Richard and we  should totally pay the ransom, but here’s a crazy idea… what if we don’t? What?

John, no! We’re paying that ransom. With what money?

Richard used  all of it on his Crusade. I can’t believe Henry VI hasn’t released him yet. My letter to Henry asking him to keep Richard as long as possible couldn’t have helped.

What? Nothing. Anyway, the Angevin Empire  will be fine with me running the show.

Are you kidding me? Philip is already  nicking our continental lands. That’s only because of the deal  that I already made with him.

Where did you learn to be  so heartlessly conniving? Have you met our family? It’s nothing but  conspiring and rebelling and backstabbing yet when I finally do it, all I hear is  Richard, Richard, Richard!

It’s not fair. John, I know what you're thinking.  That Richard is my favorite… But?

Oh, no, that was the end of my  sentence. Richard is my favorite. Face it, mother.

Richard’s gone and I’m in charge  now and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop me. He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he? John fled to Paris, fearful of his brother’s vengeance, but he would have to face the  music months later at Lisieux.

Richard, knowing his brother was at his  mercy, took an unusual approach. You abandoned your king, your own brother. You  conspired for my continued imprisonment.

You usurped my throne. Such crimes should result  in you being hung, strung and quartered. Please brother.

But John, have no fear. You are a child, and had bad men looking after you. I’m twenty-seven.

Say it! I’m a child, and had bad men looking after me. You were merely too feeble-minded  to know the error of your ways.

I was too feeble-minded to  know the error of my ways. And your balls smell, too. What does that have to do-?

And my balls smell. I agree. Now if you’ll excuse me,  time to start retaking my lands from that quality adversary, Philip.

For the next year, John was a pariah, excluded from royal functions and properties.  But eventually, Richard forgave his brother, welcomed him back into the fold, and  even made a monumental decision. So I’m going to make you my official heir.

Really? This is awesome. I won’t let you down.

Oh no, I’m quite sure that you will but Arthur’s  mom sent him to live with Philip so you're my only choice. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a  relatively easy castle in the Limousin to raid. Ahh, what’s better than this?

Guys being dudes. Blimey. It appears I’ve been pierced with an arrow.

And here’s the kid that did it. Well, I order that no harm come to  him. The shot was fair and true.

But then Richard’s wound became  gangrenous, and eleven days later he died. You know we’re gonna flay  you alive for this, right? And with that, John, the fourth son that  originally was meant to inherit nothing, became the ruler of the Angevin Empire.

This is gonna be great. So, William Marshal, my family’s longtime and trusted  advisor, what’s on the agenda? Well, Philip is invading continental  lands, some lords want Arthur as king, and the Third Crusade and Richard’s  ransom have emptied the royal coffers.

Okay, I’m just gonna go into a closet  and throw up for a little bit. Of pressing concern were the continental lands of  John’s Angevin Empire and which heir they would support. The problem was the lord of each area  could kind of choose who to follow at this point.

Normandy, Aquitaine, and Poitou came out for John,  whereas Brittany and Anjou initially came out for Arthur, particularly because of familial ties  and partially because Arthur was also favored by King Philip, who was technically overlord of  all of them. Immediately after being crowned, John sailed back to the continent. Goodbye fair subjects.

I’m off to secure my empire. For God’s sake, can we get a king of England that stays in England? I’ll miss you, too!

John knew he had to do whatever it took  to ensure his lords stayed loyal to him. This monastery looks like it’s seen better days.  With me as king, we could take care of that.

As long as you’re loyal, I’m prepared to grant  this county commune status and all the economic benefits that go along with it. Listen, if you stay loyal to me I’ll make the McRib a permanent menu item. John was feeling more kingly each day which made him reassess some of his earlier decisions.

What do you mean you want an annulment? I’ve been a loyal and faithful wife while you’ve  had more humps than a camel convention. I know Isabella of Gloucester but you gotta  understand.

You were fine when I was in line to inherit nothing but I’m king now and let’s  face it, you’re a nobleman’s 8, but a king’s 4. And who do you plan on dumping me for? Isabella of Angouleme!

She beautiful, she’s well-connected– She’s twelve! I know, right! Plus, my personalized  license plate will still make sense.

Well, I refuse. What makes you  think the church will go for this? One word: consanguinity.

Oh royal genealogist.  It appears my wife and I, oops, we’re cousins. Jesus, can we just stop pretending  you're not all related!

? Meanwhile, King Philip was pressing hard for  Vexin, the geographic grundle that separated the traditionally Norman and French lands. This  was the largest sticking point as John and Philip sought to negotiate a piece.

I want it all! No way. The splitting of the Vexin was settled  years ago when my brother Henry, then age 5, married your sister Margaret, then age2. 

Man, we belong to show messed up families. What if I acknowledge you as the rightful heir. But Philip?

Yes, I, King Philip of France, will recognize your  claims in Anjou, Brittany, and Poitou, and your claim to the English throne. All I ask in return  is most of the Vexin and one more thing. You recognize that you rule your continental claims  in the name of your true overlord, namely me.

Would John take the deal? Of course I did. Aside from losing some land in Vexin, I agreed to nothing  in this Treaty of Le Goulet that Richard hadn’t already agreed to.

Plus I negated Arthur’s  claim and I’ve brought peace to my lands. Your grace, there are some that say you gave  up too much. That you should have continued to fight.

Some are calling you “softsword. ” “Softsword? ” Let’s see them call me that after I get my twelve-year-wife home.

That comes off much creepier than you realize. And so ended the year 1200, the first full year  of John’s reign, and the king felt pretty good. I bet your uncle’s feeling  pretty good now, Arthur.

I’m sure he does. Wait, Arthur, why are you in France? I thought you made up with him and returned to England.

Well, I got the feeling he wasn’t over the whole contesting for the crown thing I’m gonna kill you when you sleep. Which reminds me, why did you  turn on me and deny my claim? Did I?

Yeah, you did. Well Arthur, here’s the thing about being king.  You get to make the rules.

While your uncle may be king of England, here on the continent,  he still answers to me. And any good king can find a way to get his way. For example, come  in.

Ah, Hugh le Brun, how may I help you? Well, John stole my fiancee, Isabella. You don’t say?

You two would have been a wonderful couple. You had so much in common,  or as much as an almost forty-year-old man can with a twelve-year-old girl. I know.

Plus the marriage would have made me the most powerful man in Poitou. And when I asked  for redress as a vassal of John, I was denied and he went after me and my brother. Well as John is a vassal of mine, I will call him here.

Aaaaand I do not see  him here now so I must assume he is now a contumacious vassal. Take any action needed to  right this wrong. That goes for you too, Arthur.

You grace? Your uncle is clearly not living up to his responsibilities to the south,  and I assume in England as well. I am prepared to support you once again, and all I ask in  return is you relinquish all claim to Normandy.

Woah, that was the coolest, most  diabolical thing I’ve ever seen. I know, I gave myself a semi just doing it. Ew.

And with that, the truce between  the two kings was over. This wouldn’t have happened to Richard. I know, mother.

John, along with his now eighty-year-old  mother Eleanor, headed back to the continent. John went to secure support in Normandy  while Eleanor went to her homeland in Aquitaine. At the castle in Mirebeau, she  was besieged by her grandson, Arthur.

Give up grandma. Make me, you little brat. And how dare you bring arms against your uncle?

By the custom of Aquitaine, I, son to a brother older than John, have right to the crown. Okay but, how dare you bring arms against me? Well, you always did that thing where you lick  your thumb and cleaned my face, and it’s gross.

It smelled. Your spit is gross and it smells weird.  But that’s besides the point.

I have a right to this land. Not John. Who’s a tyrant, a usurper,  who… is standing right behind me now.

Hi, uncle. John captured his royal rival and while  that should have meant he had an advantage, it was more complicated than that. One  reason was because many of his would-be allies were busy with other matters.

Sorry I can’t pick up the phone. I’m reaffirming my Angevin Empire.  Leave a message after the BEEP.

John, it’s Pope Innocent. I know you’ve been  dodging me about this Fourth Crusade thing. Listen, if the Holy Roman Empire is in on this,  you better be, too.

Call me back. Ahoy-ahoy. Oh, hi.

How’s the crusade going? What the hell! But John still had a valuable hostage in Arthur, who he took with him to the Norman  capital of Rouen.

And it was in that castle that one of the most scandalous  events in medieval history happened. You dirt-eating piece of slime! You scum-sucking  pig!

You son of a motherless goat! I’m gonna cut your heart out with a spoon. Why a spoon, my lord?

Because it’s dull you twit. It’ll hurt  more. You, you just wait until I come back.

Sire, is it wise to kill the boy? No, and I have no intention of killing him. He’s my leverage against the rebels of  the south.

As long as I have Arthur who did illegally challenge me, I have both a pressure  point and the moral high ground. As long as he’s alive in my custody, I’m golden. Now  let’s go scare him some more– holy moly!

All history knows is no one ever saw Arthur  alive again and that, coupled with Philip’s advancements in Normandy, forced John to retreat  back to England where support for a retaking of the continental lands was lacking. Okay barons. Let’s get ready to head to France.

Um, no. What do you mean “no”? I’m your king.

Yes, King of England. Those are lands in France. Yeah, but we got a thing going on.

Like an Angevin thing. You got an Angevin thing. We have lands here in England, ‘cause we’re English. 

Plus like most of those Norman barons are siding with Philip because he’s their actual king. You know what? I don’t care.

I’m just gonna say it. You guys aren’t good friends! But  it’s all good.

As long as Chateau Gaillard in Normandy is ours, I’m still good. Sir, um, Chateau Gaillard has– Don’t say it… It has fallen. Alright, somebody chop off  that guys’ frickin’ head.

By 1204, what had started off as a  successful reign had turned into a reign of misery and it just kept getting worse. My king, after visiting the continent I can report many Norman nobles have taken to Philip  as he is ultimately their real king. Buuuuut, Philip is offering peace.

He is? Yes, and all he asks is that you first hand  over Arthur. Oh, oh that’s not going to work.

Well, at least you still have  some land left in France. I do? Aquitaine, my land of birth.

You can rest assured that as  long as I live, Aquitaine will remain loyal. Mother, you appear to have stopped breathing. Hmmm, it appears I have.

That's it. Enough is enough. If Philip thinks I’m  going to sit back and watch him take everything I’ve earned– Inherited.

Shut up, Marshal. Everything I’ve  earned, he’s got another thing coming! King John had an invasion fleet of 51 ships  assembled and ready to go the following year, accompanied by thousands of soldiers many  of which were paid mercenaries since some English nobles avoided the call.

Onward to victory, right Marshal? Go get ‘em sir. I can’t come since I  had to promise Philip not to take arms against him in order to retain my lands  in Normandy but you, you look bad-ass.

Dammit, Marshal. Ah, Archbishop Hubert  Walter. Are you here to bless me as I bring the full might of England against France.

No, sir. I’m here to ask what happens if France invades while the full might of England is gone. Well, we’ll just– the navy will– and army– ah crap.

Call off the invasion, everybody. Gee  thanks, Archbishop, is there anything else you’d like to do to complicate my life? .

Yo, did that guy just die? He did, which left the position of Archbishop  of Canterbury, the highest religious office in England, vacant. John, as king, knew the  importance of the position and wanted a yes man in there, and selected Jon de Gray. 

Meanwhile, the monks of Canterbury secretly selected one of their own, Archbishop Reginald.  With completing candidates the decision went to– I, Pope Innocent III, have reviewed your choices  and have determined… well I’ve determined that you’re all a bunch of stugots. You monks, really? 

Reggie? You must be hitting that sacramental wine too much. And you, John.

When you lost Normandy,  you must have also lost your frickin’ mind, too. Thinking I’ll let you decide. No.

My  choice for the archbishop of Canterbury is… Cardinal Stephen Langton. Langton! Are you kidding me?

What? He’s a renowned  theologian and an Englishman. Who's spent the last thirty years in  Paris under the patronage of King Philip.

Doesn’t mean he’ll be impartial He’s wearing a croissant as underwear. I refuse. Listen here, Johnny boy!

I know you’re used to  push-over-popes but I ain’t that guy. I’m the kind of pope that’ll transubstantiate my foot up your  butt. Now are you gonna accept my boy Langton, or am I gonna have to get unpleasant?

But John was unwilling to budge and by 1208 the Pope Innocent placed England  under interdict, meaning that with the exception of baptizing infants and hearing the  confession of the dying, the church was closed. Because this is totally the way I told you guys to  behave. For my sake.

Can I get a drink? Really? .

The interdict did present John  with an interesting opportunity. Father, is there mass today? No, not today, and not until King John accepts the decision of our holy  CRAP.

Your majesty! What is happening? Well, you clergy were given this land and wealth  because you were saving everyone’s souls and whatever, right?

Yes. But now, you’re on strike, right? Well, yes.

Alright, you heard the guy. Let’s repo this  place. Oh, I’ve always wanted one of these hats.

The pope’s punishment turned into a jackpot  for John, who knew that for him to take back his continental territories from King Philip, he  was going to need a lot more money. And he didn’t stop with the clergy. The nobles were taxed. 

The peasants were taxed. The monks were taxed. The forest law got so bad that you couldn’t  hunt, gather wood, dig a ditch, carry a bow, pet a squirrel, or just be chill with your  merry men without getting a fine.

Even old debts of close friends were being called in. William de Braose. I know you’re in there.

Oh, hello Maud de Braose. Where’s your husband? Ain’t seen ‘em.

What’s it to you? He still owes me 5,000 marks, and if I  don’t get it today, I’m taking you and your son as hostage ‘til I get my money. You really think my William is just gonna let you take us hostage.

You think he’s  afraid of you, John Lackland? You think he’d allow you to even put a finger on us. Yeah, you’re right.

B-T-Dubs, isn’t that him boarding a ship bound for France. Poop! Maud and her son were thrown into the dungeon of  Corfe Castle.

At this point, it seemed that John had alienated and angered his entire kingdom. Your highness, this has caused massive discontent with the barons. Why?

Why am I the bad guy for this? My dad used to take hostages and blind and castrate them! But sire– And Richard was like knee-deep in the  blood of his prisoners on his Crusade!

But sire! Fine, fine. I’ll make the snowflake barons happy and bring them some food.

Wait. How long have they been there without food? Okay, don’t get mad.

Dear lord. Yeah, I think eleven days  might have been too long. Ah, it appears she bit into his  face in her starving desperation.

Well, the woman always was a  little cheeky. What? Too soon?

While this was going, John set to asserting  his dominance in the British Isles. He led his forces up to Scotland to confront  the 68-year-old King William the Lion. Will you swear fealty to me?

What did you say? I said, will you swear fealty to me? What?

Will you–forget it. Alexander. Swear  fealty on behalf of your father or I’ll kill the lot of you.

You’re filled with snot and poo? What does that mean? He returned to Ireland, this time brutally suppressing the  Irish, forcing their kings to flee, and replacing all his former Anglo-Norman barons  with yes men.

Lastly, John was able to bring Welsh King Llywelyn the Great to heal meaning that– I, King John, rule over England, Ireland, Scotland, and Wales as no  man has ever done before. That’s great, but are you finally going to  go to France to reconquer your lands there? I’m- I’m going.

Seems like you’re going the opposite direction. I’m going the long way. The  Earth is round, you jerk.

But something John couldn’t avoid was his  conflict with the Church because in late 1209, John was officially excommunicated. With this, all of his vassals could potentially  abandon him, others could claim his throne, and a war on England could even be considered  a Holy Crusade. He had to do something.

You could not live with your own failure.  Where did that bring you? Back to me.

Your holiness. I see the error of my  ways. The wisdom of yours.

I beg for your forgiveness and I am ready to consecrate  Langton as Archbishop of Canterbury. Good. Good.

I believe that you are  truly penitent and deserving. Your excommunication will be lifted. Thank you, Holy Father.

But I do just ask for one more thing. You gave England and Ireland to the Pope! ?

You bet I did. And I will continue to  rule them as a vassal for the church. But sir, is that wise?

Marshal, these are now Holy Lands. Those who might rebel, would be rebelling against the church.  Those who might attack would be attacking god.

Couldn’t that give the Pope  too much power in England. I don’t foresee that ever becoming a  problem, though I gotta say his new branding for the kingdom is a little bit  tacky. But it doesn’t matter because my land is safe.

My power is secure. And there’s  just one last thing I gotta do to bring it all together. Marshal, we’re going to France.

In 1213, it was finally time for the Angevin Empire to strike back. In May, an English fleet  of 500 ships ambushed the French fleet at the Flemish port of Damme, preventing any chance  of a French invasion and bringing in a huge haul of treasure. Then in 1214, John assembled  an Avengers level anti-French coalition that included the Counts of Flanders and Boulogne,  and John’s nephew and new Holy Roman Emperor, Otto IV.

John would invade via his last stronghold  of Aquaitane while the rest of the coalition would invade from the east. It initially went well,  with John even scaring off Philip’s son Louis who had been sent to intercept him. Sir, shouldn’t we press on?

Don’t be ridiculous, Marshal. By staying  here, we’re dividing the strength of Philip’s forces. Which are about to run into a  vastly superior and overwhelming coalition army.

Mark my words. This is the end of France  and the rebirth of the Angevin Empire. Your highness, I have news from the east.

Tell it to me. Um, you might want to read it somewhere private. Nonsense!

Say it out loud for all to hear. Okay. We’re screwed.

Philip has  crushed our coalition forces at the Battle of Bouvines. Otto fled the  battlefield, half the counts were captured, our knights and infantry are in shambles, and  this war is essentially lost. You pretty much couldn’t have taken a bigger L if you tried.

And that was it. In order to gain a truce with Philip, John was forced to officially hand  over Anjou, the last of his father’s lands. He left France in October, never to return again.

Goodbye, sweet continent. Alas, the brightside is at least I still have England. Are you sure about that, sir?

Just once can I say something remotely  optimistic without being kicked in the balls! ? After years of abuse and overtaxation, as  well as John relentlessly getting freaky with their daughters and wives, many of the  Earls and Barons of England had had enough.

That’s it. You’ve been ruling like an absolute  tyrant and we’ve had it. If you don’t agree to King Henry I’s old Charter of Liberties, we’ll  have no choice but to rebel against you.

Sure, sure. I get it. Let me just take  this Charter of Liberties and give it a read and I’ll get right back to you.

Innocent, you gotta help me out. The barons are threatening to rebel. God dammit, John.

You're like tits on a bull. Give me one good reason I don’t just  let Philip march up there and clear you out. Because if you help me out, um, I,  um, I vow to go on a crusade.

That’s right. I’ll free the Holy Land. John, boubee, you’ve managed to lose an entire empire.

What makes you  think that you’d be a good crusader? Innocent, do you remember how this most  recent Fourth Crusade worked out? How could I be any worse.

Read it and weep, jerks. Pope says you all have to cut it out  or you’re all looking at excommunication. May I see it, your highness?

Yes, and maybe you can talk some sense into these barons. What? What did you do?

That was from the Pope! Oops. It’s treason, then.

Tensions were ready to explode. The rebel  barons, fueled by leaders like Roger Fitzwater and Stephen Langton, openly rebelled against  John and ever occupied London. By June of 1215, John agreed to meet the rebel leaders  in a meadow called Runnymeade.

Okay, so we’ve gone over consent for  taxation, financial penalties on the nobility, pardons for us. Oh, we want in writing that  no free man shall be seized, imprisoned, or ruined in any way except by the lawful  judgment of his peers and the law of the land. When has that ever been an issue?

Fine. Are we done? One more thing.

We want a council of  25 barons to make sure you’re living up to the charter and if not, we have the  lawful right to do something about it. Okay. Maybe now with this Magna  Carta, we can have some peace.

War! That’s what you’re gonna do. But I kinda already signed it.

Did you forget England belongs to  me? And by the power invested in me, I declare this garbage invalid and shameful.  Get a grip on my kingdom now, John.

And so started the First Barons’ War, which  brought an old foe back into the mix. What is it, mon cheri? I’m not sure but I just woke up with the most wonderful boner.

As John and his forces fought rebellious barons in the north, the barons reached out to Prince Louis  of France, Philip’s son, offering him the throne on account of him also being Henry II’s grandson.  John raced to Dover, and had a fleet assembled to repel the impending invasion. This is the greatest fleet that England has ever assembled.

It will surely repel Louis’s invasion, though those clouds seem a bit… ominous. Nonsense. As I always say, you need a few clouds to make a beautiful sunset.

One storm later. Sire, the storm has destroyed our  fleet and Louis is coming ashore. That sounds like a “you” problem.

Louis and his French forces had made landfall and were headed towards John who had stopped  in East Anglia to raise support for his cause. Sire, Louis has already made it through  London with little resistance. Well, my mercenaries should slow him down– Your majesty, are you alright?

Yeah, I’ve just been feeling off. Let me ask  you, how much blood in what seems to be continual diarrhea is enough to be considered “alarming”? John had contracted dysentery and within days, he was on his deathbed.

At least it can’t get any worse. Um, your baggage train with all the  crown jewels has sunk into quicksand. You know, as soon as I heard it out loud,  I knew I was setting myself up.

Marshal, I must ask, was I a good king? You were the best king that you could be. You could’ve just said yes.

I’m about to  die. You don’t have to be a jerk about it. And on October 18th, 1216, King John died.

John’s son, Henry III, was quickly crowned  King of England. William Marshal acted as his regent and with the ire of their  discontent dead, convinced most of the barons to abandon Louis and turn on the would-be  French usurper like any good Englishman should. The Magna Carta, John’s agreement to be  limited in his power, would be revised and reissued throughout the thirteenth century  which explains the unnecessary Tauntauns placed throughout.

And all that was left of John was his  legacy, which, through the medieval chroniclers, Renaissance writers, Victorian morality, and  modern pop culture, has him as the worst. John, born into an incredibly dysfunctional  family, initially meant for nothing, inheriting an untenable empire, probably wasn’t the worst  English king. Unfortunately, John was the best king that a person like John could be.

Dude, I’m right here. Hello John, it appears your video is finished. Took long enough.

To celebrate, I think I’ll kick back and watch a movie. I have a better idea. Why don’t we watch another Drwn of History video.

Of course after  we subscribe and hit the bell notification. We could even become Patreon patrons of Drwn of  History, supporting the channel and getting cool perks like sneak peeks throughout production. Nah, I think I’d rather watch a movie.

In this one, I’m an official Disney prince. Yeah, I don’t think you’re going to like it. What about this one?

It’s by Mel Brooks. Let’s just watch another video.