So my wife Ruthie Kenoja, CEO of Healthy Gamer, and my boss always wants me to make a video about how high performers are different. And she's like, "Oh, look, you know, you work with all these people who are like billionaires and CEOs, and you work with like these top content creators, and you work with really, really amazing people, right, who are so exceptional, and you work with all these degenerate gamers, these losers on the internet. " She doesn't really think of them as losers.
I am one of those people, so she loves y'all, too. But she's like, "Can you talk about how these two people are different? Like, what's the difference between these two groups of people?
What's their secret that makes them exceptional? " Because that would be so useful for our community. And so, I'm going to make that video, but I think it's going to be a little bit different from what people are expecting because my experience with these high performers is actually that they're broken in the right way.
So many of us are afraid of failure for example. But a lot of the high performers that I work with aren't just afraid of failure, they are terrified of failure. Every day when they wake up, they are paranoid about being a failure or having a particular insecurity.
Every night when they go to sleep, they are terrified of not doing a good enough job. And so this fear or terror or insecurity or lack of self-confidence drives them to excel when the rest of us would be content with doing a decent job and sort of spending our time like chilling a little bit more. And this is something I see a lot with people who come to my office.
And this is when we've been working for a little while, like a couple months in, they will share a terrifying thought with me, which is that I know I am capable. I know I'm just as smart or even smarter than my friend and yet I can't accomplish what they accomplish. How do I accomplish what someone else accomplishes?
And it turns out that the easiest way to do that is to be broken in the right ways. So let's talk about what those are. First is they're terrified of failure.
Second is often times they're incredibly insecure. The third is they have a healthy degree of entitlement. And the fourth is that they plan.
So let's talk about each of these in turn. So you know oftentimes when we look at people who are very successful, my, you know, favorite example of this is here's how I founded a hund00 million company at the age of 30. So this is wake up in the morning, have an organic coffee.
Step number two, go to the gym. Step number three, get a $500 million investment for my parents. Step number four, lose $400 million of that investment.
Step number five, have a $100 million company. So, everyone looks at very successful families and very successful people and they look at the advantages, the financial advantages that these people grew up with. But the truth of the matter is that there are all kinds of psychological factors from families that are exceptional.
And this is something that I experienced firsthand. Both of my parents are doctors. They're immigrants from India.
So, when I was growing up, my dad was like, "One of y'all is going to be a doctor. One of youall is going to be a lawyer. " When I was 7 years old, 6 years old, 5 years old, my grandmother was like, "You're going to make a great doctor one day.
You're going to make a great doctor one day. " When I was 15 years old, I told people, people would ask me, "What do you want to be when you grow up? " I said, "I want to be a doctor.
" And they'd be like, "Oh my god, wonderful. You're going to be a great doctor. " So, I had so much immense pressure on me.
And for all these media things that you hear about, oh, this person like, you know, grew up and was really privileged. What they don't show you is the literally thousands or ten thousands of kids who grow up privileged who wind up using heroin, cocaine, drugs, you know, that daddy has a yacht and they're burning all this money through getting taken advantage of in some like Emirati investment, right? They don't show you all the drug addicts who wind up in my office who also have really rich parents that are paying for their treatment.
So, this is what we've got to understand. It's not just about financial advantages. It's also about the psychological expectations that these people are placed under.
And if you really want to understand what separates a lot of these high performers apart, it is this kind of stuff. They're broken in the right way. When people hear about our coaching program, their first response is usually, "Why would I work with another human being when I can watch YouTube videos all on my own?
" Working with a coach is about amplifying your time and effort. We're great at wanting things and even making some [music] progress, but we usually struggle with follow through or have some kind of setback. And that's exactly where working with a coach can help.
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The second thing is that they're very insecure and grew up with something that I would call conditional love. So, everyone says parents unconditional love. Love them no matter what.
Honestly, when I work with many of my high performers, they didn't grow up with unconditional love. They grew up with conditional love. Yeah.
So, this person, their kids went to Harvard, so you need to go to Harvard, too. This is my business partner. Everyone's going to Ivy Leagues.
Your ass better go to an Ivy League. They were not loved unconditionally. They were loved based on their performance.
And when you are loved based on your performance, you do not grow up feeling secure. And the only time that you feel secure is when you actually perform at a very very very high level. And so since your your psychology, right, your heart, this part of you that wants to feel loved is so unloved, it drives them to perform.
And so the first two are very hard to sort of act on or learn from. So I've had lots of patients who grew up in poor families who also had conditional love. The problem is that if you grew up in a family that was kind of poor, the conditions for you to be loved may not have been excellent performance.
And so the I I hate to say it, but like these two things are not things that you should try to duplicate. The good news is that the second two I think are things that can be learned or duplicated. And if you're someone who has a lot of talent and a lot of potential but struggles to make that potential a reality, these are the two things that you can learn from.
The first is a healthy sense of entitlement. Now, a lot of people who are very successful have an unhealthy sense of entitlement. But what I'm talking about is a healthy sense of entitlement.
So, I'll give you all a a great example of this. This happened to me about a month ago. So I gave a a talk at this organization called YPO which is Young President's Organization.
So YPO is a company uh is a is a professional organization that in order to join you have to have started a company or run a company that is worth at least $25 million. So I went to one of their their health and wellness conferences. It was a super cool event.
So I'm there with about like 300 to 350 like CEOs, right? And so some of them are running like $30 million companies. Some of them are running $300 million companies.
Some of them are running $3 billion companies. So when I was with this group of people, I was giving a talk. When I was with this group of people, I was amazed at how entitled they were, but not in a bad way.
So like I was at dinner one day and I'm making small talk with a group of people. Okay? And so one person walks up to me and he's like, "Hey, can I have he asks the three people that I'm talking to, he's like, "Hey, can I have Dr K for 5 minutes?
" And it struck me how rare this is, right? And I don't think this person was bad. I don't think they were behaving in a disrespectful way cuz I had sort of offered right so I'd said like hey after the talk a lot of people came up to me and I was like I'll be around at the conference if you guys I know we had a bunch of questions but we're at time for today so like if you guys you know need something just grab me so I sort of left that door open but the thing that really shocked me was the person said I have something important to talk about these people are socializing right now it's okay for me to go up to these people and say can I have Dr K's time for five minutes.
It's important. Now, when you look at this, there's a tendency to think, "Oh my god, this guy's such an entitled asshole. " But I don't think that's what I see with the high performers.
It's not that they're entitled or they think that, you know, no one interrupted me when I was like having a serious conversation, right? People would come up to me for the rest of the conference and like they'd ask me some questions and things like that, but they never like took away important time from something else. But if I was socializing, they would just walk up to me and say, "Hey, can I I have a couple of questions.
Can I ask you a few questions? " They were polite about it. But it shocked me how so many of my patients were not taught that life is supposed to help you in some way.
That there are human beings out there that you can ask for help, that you can ask for support, that if your boss is mistreating you, it's okay to leave that company. you actually don't owe them anything. Right?
This is the kind of stuff that I see so much on the internet where everyone's like upvoting all the stuff about your boss don't owe you crap, right? And there's a bunch of people who are like not getting what they deserve in life, but instead of actually like taking what they deserve, they're upvoting how unfair the world is. And that's what I think.
I'm not trying to like burn y'all or be an ass here, but there's like a lot of people who complain about how unfair the world is. And if you really look at the high performers, they're the people who are like, "Okay, if this situation is not okay, I'm going to move. " And that's something that I've done time and time and time again because I grew up with parents who were empowered in some way.
So, they taught me like, "Hey, if someone is like not treating you well, you should not try to win them over. You should leave. " and then go get what you deserve.
If you are working hard and you are doing a good job, find an environment where that gets rewarded. And this kind of agency, this kind of idea that you have the power to create the life that is actually deserving for you is something that so many of my patients have never experienced before. The last thing, and this is what's so interesting, so many of the people that I've worked with who are incredibly high performers hate contentment.
They hate sitting still. And if I had to give y'all, if you're someone who is not living up to your potential, the number one thing that I think you are doing wrong is you are too okay with doing nothing. This is the number one thing that separates high performers from low performers is their capacity for contentment.
And so this is where if you want to change one thing about your life, be more dissatisfied with your contentment. Now this gets a little bit tricky because often times when I work with people who are underperformers or low performers, they have a lot of dissatisfaction with themselves. They have a lot of dissatisfaction with the world.
They have a lot of dissatisfaction with negative things. Somehow that sometimes motivates people in the right direction and sometimes motivates people in the wrong direction. I don't know how else to say it, but that's just what I've seen.
You know, sometimes when you're like, "Oh my god, my boss is such an asshole. " It's like, I'm going to just even though I'm unhappy with it, I'm unhappy with the way I spend my time. I'm unhappy with so many things.
I'm just not going to do anything about it. There's something about being unhappy with a negative thing that creates a fork in the road where either you have the motivation to change it or the negativity piles up so much that it feels overwhelming, triggers a fight, flight or freeze response and then we don't end up doing anything with it. High performers are different in a subtle way.
They're unsatisfied with contentment. Right? So when you say okay I have to study for a test so I've got four chapters to read let me read my four chapters and when you are done with that you are content that's the problem because the high performer when they read the four chapters they're not done when they're done they're not done contentment isn't sufficient they have to work even harder and this is the really interesting thing this is why I think I see this so much in people who struggle with things like video games when you were done with the work that you're supposed to do.
If you're someone who's not living up to your potential, you feel relatively content. So, the drive goes away and then you shift to activities that make you complacent. I'll start to play video games.
I'll go to a movie. And I'm not saying recreation is bad, okay? This is important to understand.
So, I'm someone who works very hard. I'm somewhat content with contentment. And I'm somewhat unsatisfied with contentment.
And I think recreation is fine. If you're setting aside time to have a good time, if the goal of that time is to have fun, go for it. But what I see with the low performers is they're not interested in dedicated time to have fun.
They get relatively content and then they move into this like fastforwarding kind of world where they're just doing activities that accelerate the clock on their life. And that's what separates people for who excel from people who are just average.
