"I don't owe anyone anything"

it is not true that you don't owee anyone anything you owe some people something and most of all you owe it to yourself to owe others something okay because if you're not practicing kindness towards others you are missing out on the full experience of your Humanity look at all the people who are proud of their unkind Behavior who are proud of their lack of empathy who are proud that they are so Superior because they lack all these things that make people weak okay they're in crisis okay just because kindness has been feminized and delegated to

women it's not revolutionary to be unkind that's called giving up hey bestie welcome to the spoiled girly support group podcast where we talk about how to get that bag while also securing your own bag I'm your host L and let's get into it on today's episode we are talking about the I don't owe anyone mentality how we got here the history the controversy and how this mindset is not the full truth because as it turns out yes yes we do owe others something not everything but something now we have a lot to cover but before

we get into it I need you to hit the like subscribe and the notification Bell so you never miss a spoiled girly episode with that being said let's get into it so there's some tea between these two ticktockers that inspired today's video because basically in the video we're going to watch the Creator is defending her own actions of going on a date with a guy who just got out of a relationship with another Tik tocker and here's what she has to say I didn't know you owned him he wasn't wearing a color everyone in this

situation was single and there was no overlap with anyone ever answer her messages because I don't owe her anything he's single arrest me she's really in her villain era I love I don't know if I love it or not but I don't know it's kind of iconic because we're actually going to get into it so a lot of people thought that Sophia here the Creator she's in her villain era and and wow like that's such an unhinged thing to say so let's get into their reactions because I don't owe her anything he's single arrest me

I genuinely think that in the next 20 years or honestly right now sociologists are going to be studying the literal irreparable Damage Done by the overly therapized I don't owe anyone anything ethos because the way it has just destroyed perceptions of community and interpersonal bonds is mindblowing and I don't think she's wrong so this class is actually not as much inspired by the Tik Tok drama but more so this video that kind of just encapsulates how it is true that this shift into the I don't owe anyone mentality that a lot of people have is

really keeping us from living our best lives and today's class is all about unpacking that but before we get into that let's get into the comments someone said I don't owe anyone anything is healing when said to a people pleaser that is putting themselves in bad situations like I was but it can be very bad when taken to the extreme people should respect people and someone else said yep agreed my therapist had to slowly explain that I can be mad and hate people after I told her how exhausting boundaries are LOL and then someone said

boundaries are so hard to maintain but I'm sure with time they become more easy to be honest and somebody else said the healthier version of that is I owe it to myself to take care of me first in relation to people pleasing and that's why I have beef with no Nuance Nellies okay because the I don't owe anyone anything mentality when you are a people pleaser with zero boundaries like it's life-changing it is so life-changing to find out that you can say no to things that you can decline that you can advocate for yourself like

if you're a people pleaser like it is so healing to hear like you don't owe them that okay but then when you don't practice it with Nuance it kind of turns into this I don't know just very callous way of living that a lot of people have been holding up as the gold standard because we just don't want to be number one held accountable for our actions and number two we just don't want to put in the extra little effort of connecting with others and I think it's also interesting how this video sparked all this

discourse on the you don't owe anyone anything mindset because it seems like it's just so prevalent nowadays and I get it because we are in a time when we are enjoying expanded access to Professional Therapy like a lot of people have started therapizing their interpersonal relationships like people have started saying you don't owe anyone anything when they don't want to go out of their way to do the right thing to do the kind thing and okay we're not passing judgment on Sophia over here because apparently she's not the bad guy here okay so like this

whole Tik Tock beef she's not the bad guy okay the boyfriend is but I mean I feel like we've already done an episode on this like whenever there's like a situation where it's like oh she's trying to steal my boyfriend or she stole my boyfriend like if he was stealable in the first place let her have him okay so someone said imagine lying to your millions of followers so they can go hate on an innocent girl just because she went out with your ex Sophia's better than her because she would like not put up with

that someone said I need y'all to realize no one's hating on hie the video is about how ironic it is that a simple statement had the whole internet cussing out a random woman the whole situation is screaming misogyny and someone said to be honest I'd be more inclined to be on her side meaning Hal's side if she didn't take him back I'm kind of like so wait let me get this straight we are all supposed to hate Sophia who is not your friend for going out with your ex all the while you ultimately take him

back and forgive him Reed the boyfriend owed her loyalty not Sophia so why are we always blaming women in these situations I can't and then someone else said honestly hie took him back and now the Internet bully Sophia for being a ginger drama aside the screams of misogyny I feel like there's just like so many layers upon layers upon layers to this situation like it's crazy like really really real life is Art okay this is performance art like we are seeing in real time like the issues that a lot of women deal with so like

unfortunately for the people who are enacting this art in real life like you know their life gets picked apart in the process but like I don't know like is there's just something about it like seeing how every time a man disrespects a woman the woman who was disrespected or perceive that she was disrespected goes after the other woman when like why do we never place blame on the man like I don't understand like what like I said every time we look at these like she stole my boyfriend kind of drama beef it's always the man

that's the problem okay like the common denominator is always the man who can be stolen okay so anyway back to the you don't owe anyone mentality people are really starting to pick up on how pervasive and harmful this mentality is nowadays listen to this the first person who picked up their phone and tweeted you don't owe anybody anything not even your kindness and respect is literally going to hell for the damage that they've done on the psyche of chronic Aly online people right now it is like so bizarre when you think about the Snowball Effect

that that tweet has had that the way it's affected people's mentalities on friendship and kindness of strangers and family relationships like literally so much like I personally believe that we do owe strangers kindness we owe everybody our kindness and respect unless they've done something to prove that they don't deserve it and I feel like that's kindergarten logic I feel like that's what you're taught when you're little you know be nice to everybody and you can be mean to people who are mean to you you can be mean back like that's that's normal so there there's

a lot to unpack there and we're going to get into all the nuances of kindness and kindness as a woman specifically because I feel like in a world where there is a lot of anger a lot of fear a lot of sadness somehow it falls on our shoulders as women to be the ones to spread the kindness to put up with the unkindness and we're going to get into it okay there's like a lot of layers to today's class but the overall goal of today's class is to help undo the harm of the non Nuance

Nelly version of You Don't Owe anyone anything mentality because in my humble spoiled girlly opinion actually yes we do owe people something not everything but something and we're doing that by looking into the history of kindness and its Evolution into something reserved for women and children and because it was reserved and delegated to women and children it was seen as inferior and as a weakness and we are also going to look into the rise of male egoism which is perceived as Superior and therefore the standard and how this shift has created our very pessimistic view

of human kindness so much so that people no longer bother with being kind anymore and we are all the worse for it and what's worse is that all in the name of equality women are now adopting this male egoist view that the foundation of human morality is self-interest not kindness as we just saw in that Tik Tok video but that's not equality like sinking to their level of being unkind that's not equality okay there's nothing Superior about being unkind and as we will learned in today's class for centuries philosophers have deemed unkind individuals as not

true humans and simply as mere brutes so no being unkind is not a flex lacking empathy is not a flex you're not Superior for lacking something so fundamental to The Human Experience anyway today's class is heavily informed by this book on kindness by Phillips and Barbara Taylor it's a short but profound exploration of the history psychology and philosophy of kindness and the authors they Trac the concept of kindness from its origins in ancient philosophy through religious teachings to its modern-day interpretations and I wanted to get into the theme surrounding kindness and how we got from

having such an optimistic view of kindness and into this Evolution into the more common I don't owe anyone anything mentality so let's get into the history of kindness throughout history kindness has often been viewed as the defining characteristic of what it means to be truly human so ancient philosophers across various cultures they really emphasize the centrality of kindness to human nature they argued that without it a person was reduced to a little more than a brute driven by base instincts rather than higher moral virtues and this belief positioned kindness not merely as a personal virtue

but as the essence of a civilized societ Society differentiating humans from animals and many ancient philosophers believed that human beings were not inherently solitary but rather social creatures whose survival depended on the ability to live together in communities and Central to this idea was kindness it was an essential trait that allowed humans to form bonds support one another and create the moral fabric of society without kindness it was thought that humans would be driven by self-interest greed and aggression leading to chaos and destruction Aristotle for instance emphasized the role of filia friendship or love as

a Cornerstone of Human Relationships which could only be fostered through kindness and goodwi towards others and he argued that the highest good for human beings was the pursuit of udonia which is flourishing or happiness which could only be achieved within a community of virtuous individuals and in this sense kindness wasn't just a soft or a Sentimental trait a feminine trait it was essential for creating the conditions in which humans could Thrive and flourish Marcus Aurelius stoic daddy the Roman philosopher Emperor is another key figure who Champion kindness as Central to human nature despite his immense

power Aurelius believed that true strength lay in showing compassion and Goodwill to others in his meditations he wrote kindness is Mankind's greatest Delight reflecting his conviction that kindness is the highest virtue that a person can cultivate and according to Aurelius kindness was not only beneficial to others but it was also a source of fulfillment and joy to the person who practiced it Aurelius further emphasized that humans were naturally inclined to kindness and that this inclination is what set them apart from animals or brutes as he sometimes referred to them he suggested that to act without

kindness was to abandon one's Humanity in one of his writings he stated that a man's true Delight is to do the things he was made for and he was made to show Good Will to his kind and this just highlights aurelius's belief that kindness was not an optional trait but a fundamental aspect to human nature because it was intertwined with the purpose of life itself and this kind of gets us into kind of it actually gets us it gets us into kindness as a civilizing force in many ancient texts kindness is described as a civilizing

force that tempers human nature confucious the Chinese philosopher similarly emphasized the importance of Ren or benevolence or kindness as the foundational virtue that defines Humanity he also argued that without kindness individuals would be unable to develop the trust and respect needed for society to function harmoniously for confucious a society built on kindness was a just Society one where individuals cared for one another worked together for the common good and upheld the moral order and in Christian philosophy kindness or charity was one of the three theological virtues alongside Faith and Hope kindness was seen as the

highest expression of love and the trait that most closely connected humans with each other and while we may no longer talk about brutes in the way ancient philosophers did their views on kindness remain relevant in today's world because this belief that kindness is essential to human nature especially in a time when individualism and self-interest is like rampant and we see it now in modern society with all our complexities and our technological advancements like we still rely on the same foundational principles of kindness compassion and empathy to Foster connections and create a sense of community because

without kindness relationships deteriorate trust erodes and it just makes it difficult for society to function effectively like imagine if everyone had this Vibe had this belief system I don't owe anyone anything like imagine if everyone around you was like that it's a miserable existence okay and I admit that I rely on people's kindness every damn day of my life okay like a lot of us do actually most of us do okay and it's so much easier to do that when you also practice kindness yourself because then you attract kind people into your life and I

feel like we haven't talked about this in a while servant mindset because I don't know it just hasn't come up but if you're an OG spoiled girlly like we have been on servant mindset like this whole time and servant mindset is basically being a servant to the people around you like going above and beyond to be of service to them and obviously we're not doormats so we still have these boundaries we are only in our servant mindset for the people who are also in their servant mindset with us okay like we don't do one-way relationshipss

here so when you are in your servant mindset it is so much easier to attract people who are also in their servant mindset and it becomes much easier to rely and depend on the kindness of others when those others know that they can rely and depend on your kindness as well obviously with Nuance no Nuance Nelly but when you practice servant mindset in your daily life like there's no going back so let me know in the comments if you have been living in your servant mindset or you just started doing it like how has it

improved your life I want to know okay so anyway to further prove my case that kindness is not only good for us and that it helps us experience the full range of humanness let's talk about the psychology of kindness we all know how amazing it feels like when we experience kindness from someone like when someone's nice to us when someone's kind to us like they open our door they do like extra things for us like they go the extra mile and also it feels really good to do those same things for other people like if

you have experienced that it's like I feel like I'm meant to be doing this all day every day okay but here's the thing like even though we crave kindness like whether it's giving or receiving it somewhere along the way Society started acting like being kind was a weakness okay and we're going to get into how we got to that point where from way back when like from the ancient philosophers time like we were all about kindness as an innate human trait like we were built to be kind like because our survival as a species depended

on kindness how did we get into making kindness like this weak inferior thing okay and spoiler alert is because kindness was feminized it was delegated to women and therefore if it was delegated to women it was seen as inferior and now we got to this point where kindness is no longer a virtue it is now seen as a weakness it's now I don't owe anyone anything and look what the word looks like Okay so let's get back to the beginning first kindness is not just something we randomly decided was cool one day okay on top

top of the ancient philosophers saying that it's innate to our humanness it is actually also in our DNA psychologists say that we have an actual need for kindness It's wired into our brains to be both givers and receivers of kindness and this need goes way back when humans first started Living in communities back then we had to rely on each other for survival and kindness was the way we built trust and formed bonds fast forward to today while we might not need kindness to hunt or gather food we still need it to feel connected to

others okay whenever someone does something nice to you it instantly lifts your mood like you're having a bad day and someone's just like random act of kindness like lifts your spirits like there's just something about it that's because our brains are programmed to respond positively to kindness it literally releases feel-good chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine it's like a natural high and the best part is that it works both ways you also get that Feelgood Rush of neurotransmitters whenever you perform kindness towards others okay so like whether you're giving or receiving kindness it's a win-win situation

for your brain like we are literally rewarded by our bodies to be kind and be kind to so now that we know that like kindness is amazing it's innate like it's built into us we are hardwired to give and receive kindness why is it that we are now living in a society where we a lot of us we are sometimes most of the times afraid to show kindness like why is it that in today's world being being kind is seen as a sign of weakness or even being naive and it all comes to vulnerability because

when we are kind we are opening ourselves to the possibility of being rejected or taken advantage of and it's literally like putting our hearts on display like take it out here hold my heart like it's in your hands whether you crush it or you take care of it you know like it's it's a lot so in a world that often Praises people for being tough and self-sufficient and independent being an individual showing that level of vulnerab ility can be really scary and we worry that people will think that we're being too soft or that we'll

end up getting hurt or that our kindness wouldn't be reciprocated and as we talked about in a past class about servant mindset you always if always but for the most part you try to be in your servant mindset first and if they reciprocate then you can be friends but if they don't reciprocate at least you did your good deed okay then move on and that's kind of like the Nuance with servant mindset so that you don't get taken advantage of but you also still are openhearted to forming new relationships with people so try to be

in your servant mindset first and if they're skeptical about that if they like doubt you if you're a good person because you're being a servant to them then that means like they're not your people like if you think that someone being nice to you is suspicious obviously you're not going to go over the top but just like I don't know like I've been in the situations where like I was in my servant Minds at first and like it wasn't reciprocated and I'm like that's information you know that's like information gathering like okay you're not my

people and that's okay but honestly ly it has never done me wrong like making girlfriends is so much easier when you're in a servant mindset because I don't know it just makes the process really quick to weed out like people who will not be your friend okay and same things with like family members or whatever like if you're not on your servant mindset like you don't need constant access to me you know anyway so I feel like that kind of fixes the issue of feeling vulnerability whenever you are kind to others whenever you're in your

servant mindset to others and also like another big reason why people hold back on kindness is this fear of being taken advantage of because it's true like we have all been in situations where we've done something nice for someone kind for someone we went out of our way to do something good for them and it felt like they took us for granted or they used it against us like no good deed goes unpunished okay I feel like that's kind of pessimistic but like no good deed goes unpunished especially if you perform that good deed on

other people who like don't deserve it or praying on your downfall okay so there's definitely a lot of nuance to this so it does take a lot of discernment to be in your servant mindset and still be protected still honor your boundaries and still have like a good experience of life okay because like no one wants to be taken advantage of no one wants to be taken for granted no one wants to be unappreciated like you went out of your way to do something okay but here's the thing like while it's totally okay to set

boundaries we shouldn't let the fear of being taken advantage of of all these bad things to get in the way of us living our best life because let me tell you like a life LED with kindness with servant mindset is one of the best lives you can live and we're going to get into why in a little bit and one of the things that gets in the way of people practicing kindness as a way of living is this vibe that kindness is just narcissism and disguise so in the book on kindness the writers say that

the most long-standing suspicion about kindness is that it is just narcissism and disguise we are kind because it makes us feel good about ourselves kindly people are self- approbation junkies but in the 1730s Francis Hutcherson disagreed with this he wrote If this is self- Lov be it so nothing can be better than this self- love love nothing more generous and in this context kindness is framed as self Lov because when you are kind to others it is a reflection of how much you love yourself like you love yourself enough to be kind to others and

Hutcherson basically captures the vibe of the times when people are so suspicious of kindness and kind people specifically women okay because prior to the late 20th century when people wrote human beings they meant Men He meant everyone masculinity was the human template with women disappearing into the male Universal yet ironically one of the key outcomes of the egoism kindness quarrel was to feminize kindness divesting it from Humanity as a whole while leaving a residue of womanly kindness notably maternal solicitude in recent times kindness has been largely a feminine prerogative with men consigned to Ego as

a recap like somewhere in history kindness was delegated to women and was therefore feminized and was therefore made to be inferior and men to be considered Superior had to be different so they embraced this philosophy of egoism and egoism is basically perceiving the root of human morality as self-centeredness and self-interest while the mentality that was delegated to women was that human morality was based on kindness so basically women we were assigned this perception that human morality is based on kindness and men they were assigned this perception that human morality was based on self-interest and it

kind of shows in how young girls and young women and women in general are programmed to deny nice be sweet help others like you know the drill like it's wild that the socialization of young girls young women women in general is to be told to be nice be sweet be highly agreeable help others always share like share your toys share your paints share your school supplies share your bodies okay like I'm telling you there's like so many layers to this so This rise of kindness as a womanly thing they call it womanly kindness It's just

this very Insidious way of making women inferior and the ramifications are seen in today's society okay so caring nurturing putting others first like all that was feminized and all that was seen as a weakness and women were then delegated this full responsibility of keeping kindness alive which means we were designated this responsibility to keep Humanity alive very interesting that kindness has become a feminine trait while men on the other hand were assigned egoism which is is basically just looking out for themselves and themselves only primarily and we got stuck with the kindness card while men

got a hall pass okay but here's the thing like kindness shouldn't just be a woman thing it shouldn't be a girl thing okay the the whole idea that kindness is somehow softer or weaker more feminine or more inferior is just a flawed narrative and the part where it says men consigned to egoism is really profound because we can see how it ties into their so-called loneliness epidemic it's literally just the end result of centuries of feminizing kindness and consequently devaluing kindness so when you have a population of people who are proudly egoist proudly disavowing kindness

proudly disavowing empathy it's not surprising that they're having a kindness shortage a friendship shortage a relationship shortage okay it's almost like kindness is Central to the full Human Experience so all these people saying that they're too cool for kindness they're not experiencing the the full Human Experience okay they're not experiencing friendships they're not experiencing relationships they're not experiencing human contact no wonder why like it's literally like f around and find out era like when you devalue kindness you don't go through the full Human Experience it's almost like kindness is Central to the full Human Experience

and also one vestage of this whole kindness is a woman's thing Vibe is that once again women are looked at as the solution to this so-called loneliness epidemic this crisis of friendships and relationships and human contact that these people who have for centuries proudly disavowed kindness and empathy like no like that's not our problem okay like once again women are being called to solve problems for people that are self-inflicted okay it's not our job to be quote unquote kind to people to provide a service to people who don't want to help themselves okay to people

who think that they're too cool for kindness for empathy for a two-way reciprocal relationship okay and also like when you think about it like serving as a Crut for people who refuse to do the work to make themselves viable friends Partners it's simply not the kind thing to do okay that's enabling Behavior like that's just as bad as the vice itself and the point here isn't that women are magically Kinder than men like no women are not magically Kinder than men women are not magically like more nurturing and caring than men it's just that we

are socialized to be that way okay we are socialized to be Kinder than them we're socialized to be more agreeable more accommodating more thoughtful more willing to share our resources our thoughts our Vibes our bodies okay women's Superior sympathy and compassion however suffered no diminution becoming rather an eay fix of the age a cult of feminine kindness arose underpinned by the Victorian ideal known as the angel in the house consigned to a private domestic existence women became a repository of all those other regarding emotions inappropriate to the competitive hurly Burly of male Society safely sequestered

in the female heart far from boardrooms and battlefields kindness became as crucial to women as unblemished shual reputation and as socially irrelevant now before you get any ideas okay the solution isn't for women to be less kind okay the solution is to elevate the perception of kindness so that more people would get on our level because as it turns out kindness is crucial to our Human Experience listen to this if kindness previously had to be legitimized by a God or by gods or located in women and children it is because it has had to be

delegated and it has had to be delegated and sanctioned and sacralized and idealized and sentimentalized because it comes from a part of ourselves that we are most disturbed by the part that knows how much assurance and genuine reassurance is required to sustain our sense of viability kindness had to be delegated over the years because it was necessary okay we couldn't do without kindness but kindness was getting in the way of setting up these hierarchical patriarchal structures for these structures to exist the subjugation of certain people required a lack of kindness and in this case the

subjugation of women required a lack of kindness but we still need kindness as a society so the perfect solution was to make kindness a woman's thing an inferior thing okay and all unkind Behavior had to be elevated and celebrated and normalized okay oh men are more logical because they lack empathy oh men are more logical like empathy is a woman's thing empathy clouds your judgment that's why men are so logical no like lack of empathy is not a flex lack of kindness is not a flex okay anomalous programming is not Flex okay and honestly women

are starting to wake up after World War II women who had long touted self forgetfulness and dedication to others as a female Duty began to contemplate the benefits of equality instead perhaps women were not bound to care for others more than themselves poor peopling as Florence Nale dubbed women's philanthropic labors in slum neighborhoods began to fall from fashion and many welcomed its passing looking to trade unions and government to eradicate poverty rather than softening it by the early 20th century good works had lost their moral glow now now here is where we see women waking

up to the scam of being kind when others are not now some women too especially in the corporate world are insisting on their right to be as ruthlessly competitive as men in a dog eat dog world even equality has a dark side so here's my take that nobody asked for what if women are now disavowing kindness because for so long it has been pushed on us mandated on us by men but to be unkind as a woman is like to be a man asterisk okay an asterisk is malicious below bare minimal low effort man to

be unkind as a woman is to be how men who follow the male egoist view perceive themselves to be so for women it's actually hustling backwards to be unkind because unkind people are not true humans and are simply brutes as per Jean jacqu rouso okay and also we don't need to mandate kindness okay we just have to be we just have to live and breathe it we have to give and receive it okay that's it long story short it is not true that you don't owe anyone anything you owe some people something and most of

all you owe it to yourself to owe others something okay because if you're not practicing kindness towards others you are missing out on the full experience of your Humanity look at all the people who are proud of their unkind Behavior who are proud of their lack of empathy who are proud that they are so Superior because they lack all these things that make people weak okay they're in crisis okay just because kindness has been feminized and delegated to women it's not revolutionary to be unkind that's called giving up okay what's true Revolution is to channel

your kindness to more deserving recipients okay share your kindness with people who share their kindness with you share your kindness to the women and children around you and most of all don't mistake kindness for enabling negative behavior that is not your task that's all I have for you today I just wanted to let you know that you have so much inherent worth and value in a world that is hellbent on devaluing you now get that bag bestie also bestie wake up [Music] e