okay so you're trying to move on but the memories of them keep pulling you backwards you may even feel like you are progressing and all of a sudden under the blue it feels like you're just being pulled full force back in the direction of not feeling like you can move on and menend your heartbreak so how do you finally let go of somebody especially somebody who couldn't really meet your emotional needs in the first place because it's tough to move on when your heart still clings to the possibility of what could have been and if
you don't understand the actual mechanics of what grief is after a breakup then it is highly likely that you'll continuously reopen your own wounds And Delay your own healing so in today's video I'm going to take you through three crucial steps to moving on from an avoidant attachment style and how you can understand exactly what these steps require in terms of fast tracking your healing and process so if new to this channel my name is taise I'm really excited that you're here I'm the founder of the personal development school and I put pretty much daily
content out here on attachment Styles healing relationships after working in this field in private practice for more than 10 plus years and my hope is that by listening to this video today you'll actually understand the importance of grief and heartbreak and how it truly affects us because grief is painful but a lot of the times we don't really go into the nuances and ask ourselves a really important question like what am I actually grieving why why does grief hurt so badly so I want to help educate you on that and then give you one or
two things you can take away today where you can actually FastTrack this healing and and growth process for yourself so here's the introduction to grief first okay here's why grief hurts our subconscious mind which if you're not already familiar is actually responsible for a 95 to 97% of all of our beliefs our thoughts our emotions and actions that's according to Harvard Business Review so you know what happens is your subconscious mind is responsible for so much the part of you that's your conscious mind the think that you think of as like your logical rational thinking
self kind of the part of you you identifies your personality in a sense this part of you is only responsible for 3 to 5% of your beliefs and thoughts and emotions and actions and so what happens is your subconscious is kind of your habituated self the natural patterns that you'll fall into without thinking about it so when we attach to somebody okay when we build like a a deep bond with somebody our subconscious mind does two things that you really want to understand number one it actually starts to identify ourselves with that person okay you
see this in a lot of facets across Society right somebody may buy a new car and they start to kind of identify like this is my car their ego mind like identifies with the car or their house um but we do this a lot even more so arguably in relationships or you see it with people in their job I do this for a living right so we we tend to take something as ours and when we do that we start to essentially see that this is part of ourselves and the reason this has a huge
impact with breakups is that we do this with traits okay so biologically there's something known as trait variety where if you you know years and years and years ago were out in the wild trying to survive and somebody was really smart and they paired up with somebody really strong when you pair up with them you have a better chance at surviving together so what essentially happens is when we attach to somebody we start to take their traits as a part of ourselves so if somebody was very protective of you for example and protectiveness was one
of their traits then you'll start to feel like oh that that base is covered right that that makes me feel safer in the world if somebody made you maybe they were very present you know you start to feel like okay this person you know they they end up making me feel very seen because they're so present and and if somebody you know I see this all the time with people if somebody's really attractive then and people will attach to that and think okay I must be kind of attractive because this person's really attractive that I'm
dating and so it actually kind of causes us to have this like um positive Improvement to our self-esteem or the second point is to our needs being met so we also once we attach to somebody we get used to somebody meeting our needs over and over again and so the subconscious mind relies on that person meeting your needs so when grief happens okay why grief hurts so badly because we're not just missing somebody's like physical body when we grieve them right if their physical body just appeared but they weren't alive but you know we wouldn't
be like oh my gosh all my grief is gone no you're actually grieving all the invisible things you're grieving the traits and the needs that they brought into your life so the subconscious mind attaches to these things comes to take these things as a part of on self and then when that person suddenly goes missing from your life and they pull away or they're not there or they leave we actually have this huge void Left Behind where our subconscious started to identify itself with this person with their traits and qualities and it also got all
of its needs met or at least a lot of its needs met through this person so maybe the person um you know made you feel validated or encouraged or maybe they just made you feel special or important because you had them on a pedestal and you thought that oh if they're letting me into their life then I must be special or important now of course we know you know this is talking about avoid avoidance so I know you listening or probably like wait but avoidants aren't present and they don't necessarily make you me feel special
and important but if you put somebody on a pedestal and you think of them as being like hard to get or um you know kind of like aloof or mysterious as soon as you put somebody on a pedestal their attention makes you feel special and important right so you can see these different Dynamics and then we attach to getting these needs met through this person or having these traits they pull away out of our Lives it feels like there's this void left behind and exactly that void is what you experience as grief okay now remember
I said there was four things that we experience as grief and I'm going to give you one or two things you can actually start working on today there's two other things that cause us to grieve we help painful stories after a breakup and if you know if you're listening to this chances are you've probably done the thing where you go oh if only I did this one thing differently maybe they would have stayed or if only I was more attractive or more interesting or more funny or more fill-in the blanks then they would have stayed
and so there's a lot of like storytelling right because you don't know that that's just an idea that's just the concept you're projecting to a situation you actually don't know that if you did one thing and and honestly sometimes when you take a just honest look at it and go wait if I did do this one thing differently does that actually guarantee that this person would have stuck around and you know a lot of what happens is we we overtake responsibility after a breakup especially if you're more anxious leaning and or you end up in
a situation where you're like oh if I just did this one thing or I'm not good enough or I'm alone now I'm going to be alone forever everybody will always abandon me as soon as you start storytelling you are just Crea in your own grief right now it's not conscious it's not your fault it's not like you're sitting down and choosing this these subconscious autopilot thoughts do this right because we have pre-existing programs where we're like I'm going to be abandoned we have these fears and we hold on to these fears and then when we
get triggered these programs get projected out onto our outside world it's part of how the subconscious mind works so now you can start to see oh my goodness this is why I'm grieving things and the fourth thing that we grieve is we grieve the fantasy of a person you know we grieve the what was going to happen what could have been the projection into the future about what was going to happen next and often a lot of times when people are grieving especially avoidance they're grieving the the story of a person and the fantasy of
the person more than the person themselves quite honestly so that begs the question if these are four of the major parts of grief right we look at the traits that are taken away the needs that are no longer a part of our Lives we tell these stories about how we're going to be alone forever or we're unlovable and that's really painful and then we look at all of the the cost to the Future that you know all the things that we're taken away instead of like hey how is there actually a silver lining here you
know why is that relationship maybe not serving me well then you end up in a situation where you are in this prolonged graef period and it makes it really hard honestly to be available for future relationships to be able to move on so what do you actually do we're going to talk about what you can actually do about this and I'm going to give you two tangible things you can start right here right now today I do want to let you know um before I tell you these two things that if you want to do
a deep dive into all four of these pillars you can check out our how to heal from a breakup or for free for 14 days which is more than enough time to get through this course in 14 days you can go through two three courses at PDS they're only like two hours long each but they give you really tangible tools for engaging your subconscious mind in actual healing because we need to engage the subconscious mind for True healing to take place now um what I'll just say is that's part of a 14-day free trial it's
just available for a limited time um we're just doing it for the month of November and I'll put the link down below if you want to check it out so these two major things okay okay number one is I want you right now to make a list of all of the needs that you think this person met okay and I'll give you some examples of ones that that often come up for people and it doesn't just have to be the ones they actually met it can include the ones you fantasize about them meeting because a
lot of times you're like in the fantasy and that's actually what's meeting your needs more than necessarily the reality of how the person showed up so let's start okay maybe the person made you feel protected maybe they made you feel like there was a sense of novelty or excitement maybe they made you feel like there was a sense of challenge which actually could me a need for growth um maybe this person made you feel validated even if it was intermittently even if it was sporadically maybe sometimes they made you feel validated and that like really
lit you up and made you feel excited and Alive um maybe this person made you feel encouraged or special um maybe this person made you feel like you were loved or lovable um maybe they made you feel like you were wanted right like oh they were attracted to you they made you feel wanted so these are some common things again the oftentimes we're more in the re the fantasy of somebody than the reality and if you're actually honestly looking and we're going to come to this in point number two so first thing is you look
at all these needs and then I want you to ask yourself when you've written out a bunch of these needs okay I want you to ask yourself from 1 to 10 without this person in my life how much do I feel like I have these needs met on a daily or regular basis and and chances are you're going to find that like wow I really don't have these needs met on a regular basis much at all and that is why I'm willing to put up with bread crimes from somebody else because I'm starving for this
connection and moving in that direction now I want to be mindful here that this is not me saying like all avoidants are are negative or bad I was a fearful avoidant we have tons of people in in um the the history of when I was working in client practice that were dismissive avoidant fearful avoidant that would do the work and show up incredibly well and I really believe in that for all attachment style I really because I've been in this field for a long time and I've been in the trenches with people firsthand for so
long I honestly don't actually find that there's an attachment style implication to Healing so much there's different nuances of like how different attachment Styles will heal but it's more about is somebody doing the work or not that's really the the main question like doesn't matter what somebody's attachment style is everybody can heal their attachments C everybody can show up as a loving supportive partner is the person that you are dating or is the person that maybe you are listening to this are you willing to show up and do the work to ask the questions to
get some answers to dig deep to work through your core wounds to shift your patterns of communication and boundaries like that's the only factor that really plays a role but so anyways but part of what I'm making this video is like a lot of people really get stuck on avoidance and they haven't asked the question is this person doing the work is their growth or is this person showing up with me which is arguably one of the most important questions you can ask when you're dating any insecure attachment style but I will go back to
staying on track here so this point is for you to look at how much do you have those needs met from 1 to 10 that you were attaching to in that other person and if you're finding that you're showing up really low that's why you're putting up with bread crumbs right that's it makes perfect sense so then I want you to ask yourself what is one thing I can do a day for the two needs I'm hungering for the most right now from this person what is one thing I can commit to doing each day
to start getting these needs M of my life whether it's through myself or through somebody else so for example if the need is this person made me feel validated and encouraged okay well I can actually at the end of every day I'll make a daily habit that for three minutes I will acknowledge three wins that I had today it may take you 30 freaking seconds but you're going to do that small thing tangible but as you do that through repetition it actually starts to Fire and wire new neural Pathways you start to get in the
habit of because it becomes subconscious once it's it's ingrained and all of a sudden you're actually meeting that need more naturally so anyways one thing you can do per day to meet that need if it's the person was um they made you feel special sometimes we can make ourselves feel more special by actually tuning to our own feelings and needs and actually allowing ourselves to take up space a lot of people who chase feelings special in relationships with others they do that because they make themselves feel the opposite of special all day long because they
constantly put themselves and their needs on the back burner so again again like a tangible thing that you can do in here I want you to make a list I talk about this quite often but this is a really important tool for getting over an avoidant make a list of all the things you want in a partner okay your standards maybe you want somebody who's consistent caring shows up who's you know loving who makes you a priority like make a list of 10 things arguably five to 10 things but that the more the better of
things that you feel like you really want if you could wave a magic wand and have it your partner would have these things and then I want you in the next column next to those things to write down from one to 10 how much this avoidant person was actually showing up to meet these things and to be there in this way on a regular basis and what this do gives us a reality check because sometimes we really are chasing and mourning the fantasy of somebody more than the reality of how they showed up or who
they were and that can really help anchor you back into that reality mindset and that's a really powerful shift or very quickly for being able to start moving on so those are two things you can start with right here right now today and I hope that makes a lot of sense if you want to go deeper you can check out that free trial down below to all of the PDS courses including the how to heal from a breakup course and um thank you for for stopping by I hope you subscribe to this channel if you
enjoy the content for today and I really appreciate you being here
