Three things I’ve learned hearing confessions 1. We are going through the same things. 2.
The faithful can and often are much holier than the clergy 3. We need better catechesis Over the past 6 years, I have worked at a high school, two colleges, and three parishes, which means I have heard a lot of confessions from many different types of people. While I am strictly bound to the seal of the confessional and cannot reveal anything that might incriminate a penitent, I can reflect on my time in the confessional and share some general insights that I’ve learned.
Here are three things that I think every Catholic should know. Number 1: so many people are going through the exact same thing. One of the things that often kept me away from going to confession when I was in high school was embarrassment.
I had done what I thought were shameful things, things that I didn’t want to tell anyone about, and I was afraid of what the priest might think of me. While I would never have articulated it this way at the time, there was a part of me that thought that I was a worse sinner than everyone else, that I was doing things that no one else was doing because they were much better people than me. Now that I’ve heard hundreds, if not thousands, of confessions, I realize how foolish this is: everyone is struggling in some way, and nearly no one’s sins are unique.
When I say that nothing surprises me in the confession, I mean that I have not heard a new sin in probably three or four years. This is not to minimize the hurt that people feel or the seriousness of what is being confessed, only to stress that when you come into the confessional, there is a very small chance that you are going to share something a priest hasn’t already heard 10 times that week. Because the penitent only ever gets to hear their own sins, it can feel isolating at times, believing that we are the only sinner in the world.
Trust me when I say that you are not alone. I felt this so strongly after hearing confessions at the high school one year that I made it the topic of my weekly reflection. While I couldn’t reveal any specific sin, I told them that so many of them had come in with the same struggles, the same worries, the same burdens, and that they should take two things from this: they are not alone, and they shouldn’t be afraid to reach out to a friend for support and accountability.
My guess is that you know someone who is dealing with the same sin that you are, and that even if they’re not, they’re probably struggling with someone else. We’re all in this together. And so, with this knowledge, I wonder if we might be willing to be more open with one another.
If we might take to heart James’ words in chapter 5 of his epistle, to confess our sins to one another, not just the priest. I don’t mean posting them on social media or sharing them indiscriminately, but having the trust in a fellow Christian to share our most vulnerable selves and to ask for support. You are not the only sinner out there, so why should we struggle alone?
Find support in the community and work together to overcome sin. Number 2: Being a lay person does not necessarily mean that you are less holy than priests. In many cases, I’m convinced of the opposite.
While I haven’t heard the confessions of hundreds of priests or religious, I can say that I’ve heard more than a few, and I have gone to confession myself. To say that priests are necessarily holier than lay people, that we’ve moved beyond sin and are living on a different level… is just foolishness. Priests and religious, like everyone else, struggle with sin.
Sometimes small, but also, sometimes big. You don’t get ordained and automatically give up bad habits. You don’t get tasked with being a shepherd and instantly become a saint.
Some, maybe even most, priests are incredibly holy, taking seriously their call to live holy and pure lives after the example of Jesus, and this is inspiring to hear. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t sin or aren’t struggling deeply, or that we are any holier than lay people. I can tell you that, as a priest, I am constantly humbled in the confessional by the lives of lay people.
I am amazed by their dedication to faith, their hatred of their sins, and their insistence on growing in holiness. I might even say, although it isn’t always the case, that lay people have a greater sense of urgency to be holy, while priests can have a tendency towards complacency. Sadly, it’s just the nature of the job sometimes.
Not always true, but definitely sometimes. And that’s the only point I want to make: lay people should not feel inferior in faith to priests. Some of you both shame, and inspire us, by your life.
My hope in sharing this is to encourage you to keep going. Don’t be afraid to let your life shine. Just because you aren’t a priest doesn’t mean you’re not holy or that you can’t make a difference in the Church.
Sometimes, you are actually holier than your pastor and you need to be an example to him and to your fellow disciples. Know that we as priests are not judging you for your sins. In so many ways, we might actually be learning and growing from you.
Of course, this is not necessarily the case, which is why I want to conclude with number 3, which is that we need better catechesis when it comes to moral theology and the development of consciences. I can say that it is very, very rare that I have someone come to confession who is not contrite. I can probably count on one hand the number of times that it seemed like someone wasn’t deeply sorry for what they had done.
Because of this, at no point do I ever question the motivation of someone coming into the confessional. They’re here because they feel guilty. The problem, unfortunately, and it is a big problem, is the opposite: they feel more guilty than they should.
A lot of people that come to confession are very confused on what is and what is not a sin. I can’t tell you how many times I have had someone say that they feel terrible for committing a mortal sin, that they haven’t been to communion for a week because of this sin, only to not confess anything dealing with grave matter. I’ve had people try to tell me that they committed a mortal sin by accident, that they committed a mortal sin they didn’t know was a sin at the time, that they had done things that 5 year olds could do and they considered it a mortal sin.
And so to remind everyone and to dispel misconceptions, a mortal sin must consist of three factors: The action must deal with grave matter, meaning that it must be very serious. Eating too many cookies may be intemperate, littering may be inconsiderate, stealing something of negligible value may be greedy, but these things are not grave offenses. They are sins, but they are not so horrible that stunt our relationship with God.
The action must also be done with full knowledge of not only the action but its consequences as well. There is no such thing as accidentally committing a mortal sin. If you do something without knowing that it is wrong or without knowing that it bears the weight of grave matter, it will still be sinful and it can still hurt you in some way, but you cannot be held responsible for something you didn’t know.
And finally, the action must be acted upon out of a sense of complete freedom. If you are being pressured to do something against your will, are under the influence of some substance—legal or illegal—or are bound by addiction or uncontrollable compulsion, what you do may still be a sin, but your culpability is significantly reduced if not completely removed. Because really, think about what we’re talking about with a mortal sin: we’re talking about an act that separates us from God, something so willfully bad that we are somehow removed from communion with his Church.
It requires someone to know that something is not only wrong but that it will have dire consequences, that they be completely able to choose otherwise, and yet still choose, as an act of defiance against God, to do it anyway. Mortal sins absolutely exist, but they do not exist at the frequency that I hear people talk about them in the confessional, from the people who are talking about them. I don’t know who is out there telling people that everything is a mortal sin, but they need to stop.
Whoever you are, you’re doing serious spiritual damage to people. My recommendation to people, and I recognize the irony of this statement, is to not get your spiritual knowledge from social media. Read the catechism.
Look up the papal documents on the matter. Ask your local priest or talk to a spiritual director. The Catholic Church has strong moral precepts to live a holy life, and they are important to know and understand.
You don’t want to be ignorant on such important matters or be led astray by well-meaning but ignorant personalities online. A big part of our approach to morality understands that intention and circumstance matters. Life is messy and our moral theology is nuanced, and it is requires that we not settle for the simple answer or the one-size-fits-all platitudes.
Because, ultimately, any theology that has its people thinking that everything they do leads to condemnation is one that ignores the mercy of God that abounds beyond sin, and leads to scrupulosity, not discipleship. If you struggle with this, try to reframe your perspective. Rather than trying to be perfect against a list of sins, focus on following Jesus.
Keep your eyes on him, remembering that all he ever asks of us is to be faithful. Do that, and you will never be too far from his grace.
