there's an enlightening and sometimes slightly painful exercise one can do by oneself to learn a bit more about the origins of how one feels and behaves pick out something emotional that you know you're not very good at now and write it down on a sheet of paper here are some examples staying calm taking pride in yourself trusting missing people who go away we often observe these traits in our elves with a mixture of puzzlement and embarrassment why are we like this why can't we be more normal what's up with us to find a way to
some answers continue to the second part of the exercise insert the above entries into the following sentence how safe would it have been for you to do this insert sentence in your childhood I.E staying calm taking pride in yourself Etc now try to reflect on why it might have been unsafe to do or feel a certain way in the past it didn't feel safe to feel calm because maybe someone was drinking heavily in the house it didn't feel safe to take pride in oneself because maybe someone was obsessively jealous it didn't feel safe to trust
because someone was cruel or unreliable it didn't feel safe to miss people who were absent because maybe the pain would have broken one's heart notice that in all cases what in later life becomes a problem starts off by being a very clever protective strategy we are more mysterious to ourselves than we should be when we fail to see that much of what we do that looks odd or unusual in adult life is really a relic of a protective strategy that made a lot of sense in childhood the point of waking up to the origins of
a protective strategy is that we can then learn to see that it isn't necessary to hold on to it any longer there is no reason to fail at work in order to avoid the Spectra of jealousy we can afford to miss people when they go because they'll be back and we can dare to feel and to love we need not continue our loyalty to our past protective strategies once we understand the particular circumstances that once made them so necessary and that now no longer apply
