so the tough thing about a narcissistic relationship is the impossibility of it because it's sort of the I want to break with break up with the narcissist I want to cut ties with them but I don't want them to get mad and I don't want them to hurt be hurt and I just want it to be okay and I don't want it to mess up my kids and I don't want it to mess up my family and I don't have another job lined up and I'm still not sure what to do okay right there that
whole and I wanted this and I don't want that and I want it to be this and I don't want it about that right there that is one of the questions asks hopes that I hear most from survivors it's sort of like a sandwich like I know this is not healthy I don't want to have to keep interacting with it anymore I do have empathy or maybe sympathy or maybe pity for them I'm also afraid of what they're going to do I want to protect everyone I'm kind of scared of them and I don't want
to mess my life up too much and it's all true and it's reasonable to want it but there's no way to get it there are two paths forward once you sense and once you see that the narcissistic relationship is the mess that it is and that it is one is that it will always be psychologically harmful and hurtful and painful and you will never be seen and heard and maybe they'll see and hear you for a minute if it's a performative thing to keep you from leaving and you leave and it's messy and you stay
and it's always going to be unsatisfying and repeatedly break your heart and this is a bad example because it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of all the emotion and the history and the nervous system stuff you feel and in the body stuff you feel and the realistic fears raised by a narcissistic relationship or being from a narcissistic family think about trying to purchase a home unless you are very wealthy you know what you want you compromise on most of it and you live with it right you want two stories you get one you
want a small yard you get carpet instead of wood floors right the difference is that the house we have to compromise on doesn't manipulate us betray us or yell at us there is no version of leaving a narcissistic relationship that they don't want you to leave that is smooth or regulated or normal sure I get it every breakup or stepping back from a relationship has some hurt feelings but what happens after a narcissistic relationship ends or someone pulls out of it a little bit goes Way Beyond just hurt feelings it is Vengeance manipulation smear campaigns
and intergenerational harm you have to weigh out and do impossible math such as will my children be more harmed by observing an emotionally abusive marriage and the narcissistic the ongoing narciss nistic abuse that maybe I could protect them from if we're all in the same house or by a parent who when they're with them alone tells them terrible things and manipulates them after our divorce will my kids be harmed by not having contact with my parents and having an extended family and grandparents because I went no contact and then have to hear from cousins and
family gatherings that I was being mean and holding them back from Grandma you have to do calculations that not even law enforcement is able to do how harmful will this be if I step back or end it how badly will they escalate will it just be social media Tantrums or will they explode at me in a dangerous way how bad will it be for my vulnerable narcissistic partner who will likely just fade into nothing and become depressed and stop caring for themselves because of all of their abandonment issues and I'm no longer there to keep
their lives and the trains running on time the only time a narcissistic relationship ending even goes a little bit smooth and not even really is when they leave you and in an intimate relationship they will leave you only if they've secured new Supply they found someone else so that's not going to feel good for you and if you don't understand narcissism yet and you aren't ready for this relationship to end and you want to be in a relationship and you still love them or whatever your reasons are now you're living in the ab abject grief
of having been left and a very live trauma Bond so you're suffering but that's not what this video is about it's the many people who finally see it clearly you may not even be trauma bonded but you want out and you realize there's no getting out of this without it being a dis disaster to leave a narcissistic relationship feels like Crossing the Rubicon you blow up your life and it feels like there is no going back that's actually not entirely true sometimes it's true but it definitely feels that way when you're in the middle of
making these so-called choices those conditions and those deals you make with yourself you wonder is there a way to leave that isn't so dramatic is there an optimal time to do it can I slowly introduce the idea of leaving can I wait until the kids get to a certain age these can all feel like the bargaining aspects of grief well maybe it will be easier if this or that happens it won't be easier listen healthy people break up all the time and the difference is that healthy people yes they're well regulated but also they may
share the reasons for the why of the breakup maybe one person wants the breakup more so sure any breakup is always going to be a little bit easier for one person than another but these aren't break breakups about someone betraying the other and leaving but two people who recognize that oh we want different things we're not spending a lot of time together or one wants a child and the other doesn't or one wants to have one lifestyle and the other one doesn't whatever it is there may be tears but then people go their own way
maybe in some cases even remain friends and it is hard for both of them because there may still be a fondness but there's also wisdom I tell you this a narcissistic relationship breakup ain't that but in a narcissistic relationship there's no talking about why you are having two very different experiences you may actually view them as a partner and someone you love and want or at least at one time wanted to spend time with that you wanted to build or share a life with or even a family member that you wanted to have a loving
trusting sustained relationship with shared compassionate empathic respectful Mutual but the narcissistic person instead viewed you as Supply to serve them ideally to not inconvenience them or ask anything of them but to always do things for them to read their mind to do what they want and act as a sort of Pacifier that they could rage at or yell at and they could punish you and you would still be there afterwards and never hold them accountable because they got their angry feelings out so let's not talk about that anymore narcissistic folks often struggle with either a
sense of Abandonment and we tend to see this more in vulnerable narcissism or rage in the face of losing Supply and control especially we see this in malignant narcissism but pretty much in all other types too so you getting up and leaving is either going to leave them spiraling in despair or coming at you with rage and Punishment and they will punish you in every way and get that control back and that can involve smear campaigns involving your children and telling them things that shouldn't be talking about or harming your reputation so let's go back
to the question Dr Romany is there a way for me to end or disengage from this narcissistic relationship and make it all smooth and the answer is no not really and sometimes folks the risk of leaving a narcissistic relationship is genuine danger and that has to be part of the calculation as well and sometimes and more often frankly it is the discomfort you feel about someone else's Despair and that they're falling apart especially if you have pretty much had the role of keeping the narcissistic person held together all these years by being a fixer and
a Helper and a caregiver in every way Not only was that never thanked they actually believed that they were the grown grown up in the relationship now when you wait for all the stars to line up this too is part of the trauma bondage situation of it all because the stars are never all going to line up and as a result you will spend your life in Eternal stuckness there is no version of this where the narcissistic person will be okay with the breakup I have actually known of cases where the partner the not narcissistic
partner in the narcissistic relationship try to bring their narcissistic partner into spaces where they could meet Attractive people so that the narcissistic partner would then have new Supply and leave when you do it that way it rarely Works somehow they only cheat on us when we don't want them to and then the new person will distract them your hope is that the new person will distract them so that your narcissistic partner will leave that's romcom stuff it never happens like that in real life the Stars don't line up and so people feel impossible L stuck
and feeling stuck in one of these relationships is like feeling imprisoned and it definitely makes it much harder to heal so instead of stuckness it's important to have Clarity and a bit of courage and to remember a few fundamental truths number one the stars are not going to line up there will be no perfect moment to leave it will be a mess if you leave and they don't want you to whether it is a mess because you feel horribly guilty guilty about leaving a vulnerable narcissist or a mess because you're afraid of what they're going
to do or a mess because of the interpersonal smear campaign manipulation they will do can you radically accept that it's going to be a mess also is it dangerous to leave you have to ask that question because if so then that's actually beyond the scope of this video and we will have information on domestic violence resources here for you to turn to in the video notes are your fears Financial ask yourself hard questions are you willing to significantly drop your quality of life or would the financial stuff be so bad that you would not be
able to acquire any safe place to live have you done the exercise of doing a realistic budget how much would your kids have to give up can you transition back to work or make more money in your job or get a side gig what are these Financial fears and can you consider meeting with a financial adviser or an accountant on your own about that I can promise you one thing you will get screwed financially in a narcissistic divorce that's a fact the bigger question is how much can you realistically live on don't get lost in
what is fair pay attention to what could work fairness is not a thing in narcissistic relationships and in fact that sense of Injustice takes a massive toll in the healing and grief process but maybe the greatest Justice is you don't have to be in this relationship anymore then the next question is are your fears for your children if this is a divorce this is real talk to a div divorce attorney or find a local program that can get you lowcost legal care many do domestic violence programs have them that can get you free legal advice
many states are automatically going to strive for 50/50 custody and narcissism and gaslighting will not be reasons that custody would be less than 50/50 if the narcissist IC parent asks for it in most cases they will get it this means exploring your feelings about this in therapy or in support groups of people going through this some folks may say I don't want my children having to be the ones having to deal with their victimized angry parent alone and that may hold you back from leaving so that's okay then you're clear on your why and that
also means simultaneously radically accepting that the patterns in the relationship won't change and then being clear on your why for why you're not leaving the relationship others leave because they hate that this is the model of a relationship that they're giving their child and remember many narcissistic folks will Mount up a dramatic custody battle if for no other reason but to stick it to you but it wasn't about the kids for them it might very well just be about the win and if you can White Knuckle the process the narcissistic person may actually get bored
and while on paper they may have 50/50 custody you may find yourself with way more than 50-50 time with your kids yes you won't get all the dollars you won't get all the child support money to which you're entitled to none of this is fair but what you wanted was time with your kids or is your issue about going no contact with a family of origin or going no contact with one of your parents or trying to protect them from in-law grandparents or any of that but what if the kids want those relationships the bottom
line and this is uncomfortable having had a narcissistic parent will affect your child having that parent and there's no sidest stepping that it comes down to a matter of level typically the more severe the narcissistic parents Behavior and the more involved they are in the child's life the worse the effects yes the child might would feel abandoned by a narcissistic parent if the narcissistic parent just left or does their own thing and rarely comes around or never comes around and the child being constantly criticized and shamed and feeling that they can't step out of the
lines without the parents' Vengeance these are two different burdens but they are both burdens the psychology of your child and the role they have in the Family Matters and three different kids with the same narcissistic parent can not only have three very different experiences they will have three very different outcomes another issue would be that does the toxic boss you're trying to figure things out with have the power and the ability to wreak havoc with your career that's real and meeting with mentors and other advisers in the field can matter can you afford to take
a pay cut are you willing to work at a less prestigious place in the same industry to get away from this person is the company big enough for you to make an internal move within the company do you have to have a new job to leave this one or can you make ends meet for a few months by and large toxic bosses and colleagues tend to stay and last in jobs longer than healthy people in other words you will not Outlast them and jobs aren't marriages or going no contact with a parent those things have
much more Primal meaning to us but money and careers that we worked long and hard for that you might have spent years getting an ed education for there is meaning to those things and you may not be able to parachute out of a job right away but in most cases HR departments will not help in these situations toxic stuff is just too vague for them and while you may look back at having been at a highly esteemed White Glove employer and having left for something smaller or even to do your own thing I promise you
this there won't be a day that you aren't relieved this boss or colleague toxic workplace thing while not easy can be a little easier and if the toxic boss goes after you or harms your reputation and you have some documentation then there a may actually be some legal remedies that you could speak with an employment or a labor law attorney about and all of this means that you can look at and I staying I hate calling it staying and sort of like having to give in sticking it in the relationship as it were you can
more easily because many people do stay but as I said they're staying with the o with open eyes and they're stuck staying which isn't staying it's just feeling stuck once you realize that you are staying in contact with the narcissistic family or remaining in the marriage for now or even the job because you recognize that the smear campaign or the harm to the kids or the financial hit or the always having to sleep with one eye open of it all is not where you are at right now then this is not you being a doormat
or living perpetually in your hazy trauma bonded universe but you thought it out for now like anything you can revisit this decision about staying kids grow up you may gain more Financial Freedom with time you may not give a damn about the smear campaign anymore radical acceptance is the eyeopener you get out of the idea or the illusion that there is a smooth path forward that somehow you're not able to see that path doesn't exist and don't get me wrong there can be lots of grief at this juncture as you're trying to make these decisions
that one more day of not feeling empathy or not being heard or enduring the same Jabs over and over again just feels like existential dread but the radical acceptance is a wake-up call and The Taking of responsibility where we can get therapy with someone who gets this and doesn't tell you to work on boundaries and communication we can cultivate some healthy relationships we can bring daily practices and hobbies and experiences into our lives that feel meaningful and that belong solely to us we can focus on our true Norths recognizing that you really are always a
single parent when you're co-parenting in a narcissistic relationship and on top of that you're a single parent who is always being subverted your true north maybe your children volunteer work friends a garden beloved pets and all of these things may be a Solace to you when you when and if you leave the relationship and have to endure the messes that come up afterwards is sticking around or staying in a narcissistic relationship ever satisfying not really no the relationship will always be stressful and innan and unsatisfying and hurtful if it's your parent you may stick it
out until the parent dies and not look back once they do if it's a partner you may attempt to create a fuller life outside of the relationship but kind of no longer listen to them but will there be a flatness in that area of your life and long term grief yes there will and if you do leave and it is a mess and it will be a mess hopefully you are more prepared it won't feel good but it won't be a surprise it's like a roller coaster you don't think it's a train that goes around
on a flat track you feel the click click click click as the car gets pulled steeply up the track and you know the big drop is coming the big difference is that the roller coaster is fun but if you didn't know the big drop was coming it would shock the hell out of you shock isn't good for you a narcissistic breakup or going no contact or disengaging from a family means getting prepared whether that's legal psychotherapeutic friends support communities education because you already know how this relationship works you may not want to know it but
you know it you know it in your body and your fears and your worries feel very real because they are even that fear of watching or hearing that the narcissistic person is falling apart a mother who keeps crying because you don't come around anymore or you don't call her every day and how could you leave her high and dry after all she did for you or a narcissistic ex who is sliding into depression or relapses into addiction and is not doing well and crying all the time that for many survivors may be one of the
most overwhelming fears of all in all of this our fears should a relationship end of anger abandonment conflict those fears keep people stuck in these relationships and it's a manipulation that narcissistic people play beautifully their anger is always just around the next corner right under the surface that stuff those fears of conflict and abandonment that's the stuff we can work on on our own our fears around those things like fear and conflict May relate to early environments and that the rage crackling through any room feels like Calamity in our bodies and working on all of
that becomes important because we may be stuck in the terrible transaction of enduring an unhealthy relationship ship so we don't have to potentially be left or experience conflict that hope of ending a narcissistic relationship without conflict or rage or ending it peacefully or fairly are simply not possible again that's another piece of radical acceptance and the big question to Grapple with is are you willing to stay in a toxic cycle in a relationship because you are afraid of conflict and anger maybe the answer to that is yes and if it is then be clear on
that with yourself but when we bring these insights into the sunlight we say huh that's why I'm staying and when you have that moment you can open up to a different conversation within yourself the Stars aren't going to line up if you want to leave one of these relationships and all you can do is really explore what this means because many people keep waiting for miracles or magical moment that will somehow give them some sort of metaphysical answer it doesn't work that way I have watch people wasting lifetimes waiting for miracles that come waiting for
a sign we lose so much of ourselves to these relationships already it's important you take your time and chart your course but also see it clearly if you're going to stick it out and stay in one of these relationships make sure that you aren't stuck staying but rather you're staying with your eyes clearly open if you leave ultimately assuming that you can leave and be physically safe okay someday it'll be better but for a period of time it will be deeply unsettling will it feel Fair no will it be easy no but Clarity may be
the only Miracle we have in these situations it's painful to give up on the hope of a love story or of a loving family of a successful career of growing old with someone it's not about giving these hopes up it's about revising them and that takes time and a willingness to open yourself up to your reality in a way that's informed by how unchangeable this personality style is and the realities of the world that we are in as a therapist one of the hardest things as I speak to groups as I take questions as I
work with clients is isn't there a way to make this more fair help me help me I'm so I want I want to leave but I don't want them to get mad I'm like you're you're asking for that's not on the menu and I think for any of us who do this work the hardest thing is people get it they see it they know it'll be better if they could get out they want to get out smoothly and that is so hard for folks I know who work helping people through family court for folks I
know who work with all kinds of severities of narcissistic relationships we don't have a magic wand that makes it easy to leave we can validate your experience we can tell you what's happening is real but sadly we would be doing you a disservice to say oh yeah you could leave this you found your path you can leave and this will be easy it'll never be easy and I've told many clients if I were to tell you how hard this is going to be you're never G to leave and many times they'll say if you had
told me Dr Romney how hard this is going to be and now that I'm in the middle of it I definitely probably wouldn't have but I'm grateful I did because they do get through to the other side every situation is different and you're often weighing out a lot of factors a lot of which I try to lay out in this video so I hope this sort of helps you do a self-study into your situation if you stay that you don't stuck stay but you clear stay and say okay for now I see what I'm staying
in recognize that nothing stays the same especially when kids are involved forever but to assess your situation and make decisions in it that work for you but in a way that allows you to see it clear clearly and also lifts this idea that should you decide to disengage go no contact leave the relationship that it's never going to be a smooth path forward only you know what you can bear but the issue is seeing it clearly thanks again
