I know you think people are going to be interested in this but they're [Music] not I've probably been working on this for 2 years 2 years I mean usually I write a bit in a couple days it's a long time to spend on something that means absolutely nothing but that's what I do that's what people want me to do is spend a lot of time uh wastefully so that then I can then waste their time comedy writing is something you don't see people doing it's a secretive thing I've never shown anybody this stuff I feel
a little funny about it right now to tell you the [Music] truth in comedy what you do is you think of something that you think is funny and then you go from there it's a fun thing to say poptart I like the first line to be funny right away when I was a kid and they invented the poptart the back of my head blew right off and that that got the whole thing started that a specific part of my head blew off not just my head but just the back it was the 60s and we
had toast we had orange juice that was frozen years in advance that you had to hack away out with a knife to get a couple of drops and it felt like you were committing a murder before you got on your school bus then I talk about um Shredded Wheat which was like wrapping your lips around a wood chipper you have breakfast and then you had to take two days off for the scars to heal so you could speak again you always write on always yeah yeah have you ever tried to no I don't like that
cursor flashing looking at me like so what do you got do you have a special pen mhm yes the the bck clear Barrel blue which I wrote every episode of Seinfeld the TV series with that pen Larry and I used to we used to write them long hand oh cuz you can't be in this oh that's a drag that was good timing so in the midst of that dark and hopeless moment the poptart suddenly appeared in the supermarket and we just stared at it like an alien spacecraft and we were like we were like uh
chimps in the dirt playing with sticks what makes that joke is you got chimps dirt playing and sticks in seven words four of them are funny chimps chimps are funny then there's the trying to figure out as a kid how did they know that there would would be a need for a frosted fruit filed heatable rectangle in the same shape as the box it comes in and with the same nutrition as the box it comes in in the midst of that darkness and hopelessness the Kellogg's Pop-Tart appears and they always laugh there because that indicates
oh he's telling us a story then my next joke that I'm want to get to is chimps in the dirt with sticks so now I'm looking for the connective tissue that gives me that really tight smooth link like a like a jigsaw puzzle link and if it's too long if it's just a split second too long you will shave letters off of words you count syllables you know to get it just it's more like [Music] songwriting then I had to figure out how to end the thing and that's the hardest part if you have a
long bit the biggest laugh has to be at the end it has to be it can't be in the middle or the beginning and this was very daunting once this Pop-Tart had come into the world I didn't understand why why we were still eating other kinds of food cuz this seemed to be definitely the new way two in the packet and two slots in the toaster why two one's not enough thre is too many and they can't go stale cuz they were never fresh they can't go stale cuz they were never fresh that was that
took a long time and it I know it sounds like nothing and it is nothing you know in my world the wronger something feels the rter it is so to waste This Much Time on something this stupid is that's that felt good to [Music] me it's the exact opposite of what we do here at the Times which is we spend appropriate amounts of time on deserving subjects so I'm the exact opposite of that inappropriate and undeserving subjects
