Tina Fey and Amy Poehler [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] good evening I'm Tina Fey and I am Amy Poehler welcome everyone to the 70th annual Golden Globe Awards [Applause] those of you at home I wish you could feel the excitement in this room you can smell the pills from here tonight we honor the television shows that have entertained us all year as well as the films that have only been in theaters for two days that's what makes tonight so special only at the Golden Globes - the beautiful people of film rub shoulders
with the rat-faced people of television speaking of Tina and I are also both nominees tonight and thank you I just want to say that I very much hope that I win thank you you're my nemesis thank you ricky gervais c-couldn't be here tonight because he is no longer technically in show business we want to assure you that we have no intention of being edgy or offensive tonight because as ricky learned the hard way when you run afoul of the Hollywood Foreign Press they make you host this show two more times oh my gosh it was
a great year for women it was a great year for women in television Lena Dunham is a double nominee [Applause] we love your show we are such fans but if they are forcing you to do all that nudity you have to tell us okay you just give us some kind of signal and we will call child services something there's a great year for film women in film Kathryn Bigelow nominated tonight [Applause] haven't really been following the controversy over zero dark thirty but when it comes to torture I trust the lady who spent three years married
to James Cameron [Applause] of course we want to thank our hosts tonight the HF PA for having us Amy tell the people a little bit about the hf PA yes you know well when left untreated HF PA can lead to cervical cancer however there is a vaccination Amy that's aged people I'm sorry of course the HF ba is the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and when left untreated no she's kidding there is no known cure for the Hollywood Foreign Press look at all these gorgeous movie stars here tonight Ben Affleck is here tonight fans first two
movies took place in Boston but he moved this one to Iran because he wanted to film somewhere that was friendlier to outsiders hi Ben hi how are you he's doing good huh I'm providing too so you're looking great good for you you're not better than me [Applause] the beautiful Anne Hathaway is here tonight [Applause] and had the way you gave a stunning performance in lay miserable I have not seen someone so totally alone and abandoned like that since you were on stage with James Franco with us you know and shot her big late MS song
all in one tight close-up and she said that it was really difficult performing with a camera so close to her face well then she's never gonna make it in porn I don't think she has any plans to do porn Amy none of us have plans to do [Applause] The Hunger Games was one of the biggest films of the year and also what I called a six weeks it took me to get into this dress angley's been nominated for Best Director for The Life of Pi which is what I'm going to call the six weeks after
I take this dress off [Applause] who else is here well - Jennifer Lawrence is here the star of silver linings playbook [Applause] Quentin Tarantino is here the star of all my sexual nightmares [Applause] Meryl Streep is not here tonight she has the flu and I hear she's amazing in it [Applause] Mandy Patinkin from TVs homeland is here I like homeland but I don't think it's as good as that other show previously on Homeland that thing is action-packed no you know Mandy Patinkin is the star of homeland but he's also a treasure of the American musical
theater and if I were in charge of this show which I have been told repeatedly I'm not after every clip of Lamy survive I would cut to Mandy Patinkin because he knows if it's good singing or bad and he won't be able to hide it in his face watch we will prove it Mandy Patinkin did you like it incredible don't lie to me Mandy don't lie to me Julianne Moore is here tonight nominated for playing Sarah Palin and game Jane [Applause] me too I used to win prizes for that too and you know I think
if governor Palin we're here tonight she'd say you bet you hmm no I lost it yeah oh no I can't do anymore maybe it's for the best but enough silliness Daniel day-lewis is here [Applause] his performance in Lincoln is so amazing he was so method he really disappears into his character did you know that Lincoln was not the first role Daniel day-lewis played in a Steven Spielberg film really what else did he play et know he was et yes young Daniel day-lewis was et due to the finger [Applause] amazing alright let's get this thing started
we're gonna keep this moving and we promise we will wrap up by 11:00 11:00 dark thirty at the latest ladies and gentlemen please welcome from silver linings playbook Bradley Cooper and from The Reluctant Fundamentalist Kate Hudson ladies and gentlemen Tina Fey and Amy Poehler [Music] [Applause] good evening I'm Amy Poehler and I'm Tina Fey welcome to the 71st annual Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's Lee Daniels the butler Golden Globe Award a very good evening to everyone here in the room and to all the women and gay men watching at home we are so happy to
be back we are hosting the Golden Globes for our second time thank you because this is Hollywood and if something kind of works they'll just keep doing it until everybody hates it congratulations to all the wonderful actors nominated tonight from the amazing to Mattel Ejiofor to the stunning Lupita Nyong'o to American treasure Tam honks him it knew I was going to screw that up folks at home you would not believe the high wattage mega a list stars we are looking at right now I mean no offense to the movies and nominees last year but this
year is legit good years right to the top yeah we got Bradley Cooper Julia Roberts Emma Roberts Leonardo DiCaprio Meryl Streep what about Redford right right [Music] [Applause] Madame Sandra Bullock Tom Hanks Redford June Squibb and then like mr. bean for international stuff well if we're gonna play by European rules it's everyone in this room and then jean-claude van damme the point is there are so many stars in this room tonight it's hard not to be overwhelmed yes Matt Damon is here for behind the candelabra [Applause] Matt on any other night in any other room
you would be a big deal but tonight and don't take this the wrong way you're basically a garbage person I mean Meryl Streep okay is here she's [Applause] Meryl Streep show brilliant in August Osage County proving that there are still great parts in Hollywood for Meryl Streep's over 60 [Applause] Martin Scorsese is here [Applause] Marty I forgot to tell you that Bobby says hi and then Bobby also the other Bobby Bobby and Bobby say hi and Danny Danny and Bobby and Bobby say hi Danny wants me to say hi to you Marty and Bobby and
Bobby as well Bradley Cooper is here star of American hustle [Applause] interesting trivia the original title of that movie was explosion at the wig Factory [Laughter] Amy Poehler is nominated for her work on Parks and Recreation I believe Amy is here tonight can we get a shot of her she looks radiant it is hard to believe she's a 42 year old mother of two oh yeah she's a straight-up my friend Julia Louie Dreyfus has two nominations tonight [Applause] domination for enough said interestingly julia has chosen to sit in the film section tonight hi Julia hi
Julia you know us from TV [Applause] so she has really changed Woody Allen is the recipient of this year's Cecil B deMille Award just a few years after Martin Scorsese won it I assume the award is for tiniest man with the biggest glasses gravity is nominated for best film it's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age [Applause] before earning a Golden Globe nomination for his first ever acting role in Captain Phillips barkhad Abdi was working as a limousine
driver in Minnesota [Applause] there's such a beautiful life lesson here everyone sleep with your limo driver tonight before he gets famous one of my favorite films this year is the movie her which which takes place takes place in the not so distant future which is perfect because so does Joaquin Phoenix uh Tina I was in that movie too I was the voice of the computer no Amy that was Scarlett Johansson was it it was if you say so Matthew McConaughey did amazing work this year [Applause] Freya's goal in Dallas buyers club you lost 45 pounds
or what actresses call being in a movie the wolf of Wall Street is a big nominee tonight I really love the film but some of it was too graphic I mean if I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party I'd go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parlor [Applause] Jonah Hill actually used a prosthetic penis in the wolf of wallstreet so you have that to look forward to next time you eat a plant in Hollywood a number of big movies use prosthetic genitals this year blue is the warmest color the wolf of
wallstreet saving mr. banks yes a lot of people don't know what Tom Hanks was wearing when the entire time he's wearing one right now actually he's really enjoying it the wolf of Wall Street shocked viewers by using the f-word five hundred and six times in three hours which is a new record unless you count my dad trying to hang some curtain rods in our living room one of the most nominated films this year is 12 years of slave [Applause] loved 12 years of slave and I can honestly say that after seeing that film I will
never look at slavery the same way again wait how are you then what a year for television a lot of nominated shows tonight are on actually on Netflix this year Netflix big deal the house of cards orange is the new black enjoy it while it lasts Netflix because you're not going to be feeling so smug in a couple of years when snapchat is up here accepting Best Drama the beautiful Kerry Washington is here [Applause] she's expecting her first child later later this year oh my god is it president pizza probably I thought Amanda was carrying
his baby many of our SNL friends did great work this year Will Forte Andy Samberg you might know Andy from his hit song I'm on a boat which this year was adapted into the Tom Hanks film captain Phillips masters of sex is the degree I got from Boston College the blacklist is who is invited to my room tonight talking to you Somali pirates I am the captain now [Applause] shoes gentlemen try them on and see how horrible they are we're gonna get this show done in three hours or as Martin Scorsese calls it act 1
please welcome to Golden Globe winners and nominees tonight Sandra Bullock and Tam honk ladies and gentlemen Tina Fey and Amy Poehler [Applause] [Applause] [Music] and welcome you bunch of despicable spoiled minimally talented brats we are so happy to be here hosting the 72nd and final Golden Globe Award tonight we celebrate all the great television shows that we know and love as well as all the movies that North Korea was okay with the that's right the biggest story in Hollywood this year was when North Korea threatened an attack if Sony Pictures released the interview forcing us
all to pretend we wanted to see it North Korea referred to the interview as absolutely intolerable and a wanton act of terror even more amazing not the worst review the movie guy starring stars Oprah's here [Music] [Applause] she's put a cranberry candle under all of your seats reese witherspoon is here so great in the movie wild she did all of her own walking so brave and Andy Serkis was great as your backpack JK Simmons is here or as Matthew McConaughey calls him just keep Simmons Christoph bolts and Amy Adams are here they were so great
in big eyes Oh in fact yes they were and in fact one of those famous big i painting x' is on display tonight let's check it out oh [Laughter] it's cute but it's creepy yeah the eyes Patricia Arquette is here so wonderful [Applause] and the film boyhood boyhood proves that there are still great roles for women over 40 as long as you get hired when you're under 40 joaquin phoenix is nominated for inherent vice but obviously he isn't here tonight because he has said publicly that award shows our quote total and utter bush oh hey
Joaquin [Applause] Steve Carell is here tonight for Foxcatcher [Applause] and Foxcatcher steve carell plays a paranoid murderous billionaire and the role was a stretch for Carell when real life is a paranoid murderous millionaire [Laughter] deep growl Foxcatcher look took two hours to put on including his hair styling and makeup just for comparison it took me three hours today to prepare for my role as human woman Frances McDormand is here to say I love you you're the only person in this room that I would save in a fire Julia Louie Dreyfus this year cuz she's obsessed
with me okay we're not friends Jennifer Aniston is here tonight nominated for the film cake [Applause] we should explain all the people in the room the Hollywood people cake is like like a fluffy dessert that people eat on their birthdays oh and birthdays are a thing people celebrate when they admit that they have aged you know what else has heard so many British actors played Americans this year yes and I for one don't mind it I love the sound of a British actor doing an American accent I like when they talk like this I can't
tell that they're British when they are speaking in our movie parts Wes Anderson is here tonight for the film grand Budapest [Applause] her usual Wes arrived on a bicycle made of antique tuba parts George Clooney married Amal alamuddin this year Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person UN Commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza Strip so tonight her husband is getting a Lifetime Achievement Award [Applause] of course George Clooney is here to receive the prestigious
Cecil B DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award or is he know you've been pranking a lot of people for 25 years who knows maybe you're about to get sessile be too burnt anyway since this is the last time that we are hosting teen and I wanted to very quickly play one of our favorite games yes and Amy and I have been friends for almost 50 years and the secret of our long-lasting friendship is that we have absolutely no overlap in our taste in men no we never think the same man is attractive and will prove it right
now by doing what you're all doing at home playing a game of who would you rather it's real quick okay would you rather Colin Farrell or Colin Firth okay Farrell all day Firth for a polite amount of time [Applause] okay Tina next and Norton or mark ruffalo which one was the Hulk both of them shoot okay I'll take Norton because he's like method and he could act like he was into it okay and I'll take mark because everybody knows I like a Ruffalo okay okay Chris Pine Chris Pine okay Richard Linklater or a lejano in
your V - hmm I'm gonna say injury to one take two hours straight no stopping now Linklater five minutes once a year [Applause] let's talk about these movies yes the theory of everything wonderful movie this year yes it combines the two things that audiences love a crippling nerve disease and super complicated math Selma in the 1960s thousands of black people from all over America came together with one common goal to form Sly and the Family Stone but the movie Selma is about the American civil rights movement that totally worked and now everything's fine go on
girl who's a real big hit this year yeah come on girl I don't know I don't know I didn't like gone girl I go to the movies to escape I don't want to just see myself up there on the screen new Tyler Perry was so good in gone girl that he has actually been asked to write and direct a sequel called girl I thought you were gone into the woods stars Meryl Streep maril plays a witch who sends the townspeople on a magical quest to collect the items she needs to win another golden clove any
of you have you ever done any Sun time now I have it but I could anybody can until the hood it's a weird word to sing I'm not gonna lie to you and into the woods Cinderella runs from her prince Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby I don't know if you guys saw this on the news today but Bill Cosby has finally spoken out about the allegations against him Cosby admitted to a reporter I put the pills in the peephole the
people did not want the pills in bamboo tena that hey that's not right that's not right it's more like people you're right it's gotta be like I put the pills in the whole gig that's it that's fair but finally Tina let's talk about television oh and I'm being told that we are running out of time our apologies television you got sorry come back tomorrow okay so let's get started are you guys ready to have some fun tonight [Applause] movies you say awesome movies movies we say TV you say banner TV TV present the first award
all right whoever raised his hand gets to present with Jennifer Aniston [Applause] as a professional volleyball player battling restless leg syndrome Damian Francisco and dog president Wow what an exciting special guest that was Hillary Clinton's husband [Applause] well we are happy to Oh let's go fun that was it was go Rodham Clinton that's right I can't I'm kind of embarrassed I didn't make my foot change no one can tell okay you can Oh No for our next award ladies and gentlemen please welcome members of our SNL family Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig well the show
is really taking a turn so i'ma start drinkin everybody's getting a little loose now that we're all losers yeah congratulations Lena but we got you through a middle school middle school getting sloppy in here everybody okay we got drunk went closest actually she might need a medic wait a minute come on dance with you later you know what Taylor Swift you stay away from Michael J Fox his son or go for it or go for it no you she needs some me time to learn about herself okay our next presenter is an actor so versatile
that he played Ironman in three different movies please welcome Robert Downey jr. between them they own two hours of late-night television and 51 cars please welcome Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon [Applause] this next presenter is so good-looking he makes young George Clooney look like garbage please welcome middle-aged George Clooney [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] we want to thank our host tonight the Hollywood Foreign Press the association of esteemed international journalists responsible for this beautiful event specifically we would like to thank Jurgen Fonda finger from different magazine Lupe para los lopez from bethel 5th wave telecom span
candor vomit from purple magazine timid fare editor of caplock miss was yakamora Bichon Frise your schemata from lucas lucas VI Warshawski from the free magazine they give out on polish buses paui and of course of course Jeremy Watson steward from dust eats yes thank you all for your integrity [Applause] Kingma the name of gender equality this year please welcome mr. Golden Globe my adult son from a previous relationship Randy [Applause] so stupid really introduce yourself to so she and her mother is the closer hey your name is Josie what are you the Olympics what no
that that's so she also how could a person be the Olympic I'm sorry about him no no god I hate being up here Jacqueline Bisset backstage bothering me no you could learn a lot from Jacqueline Bisset she is a winner and I dunno don't you talk to me like that do you want to go live with your father can't you won't tell me who he is well he's here tonight so look around kana hain't you jack upset ain't you two kids right mom is it him no Randy idris elba is not your father think about
it easy [Applause] carry on she puts the modern and modern family and he puts his phone on silent when he sneaks into women's locker rooms please welcome Julie Bowen and Seth Meyers well well well look who slithered back over to the TV section hi Julia [Laughter] hi Wow wow you're a real phony louis-dreyfus our next presenter is no real phony when they see one he's the soon-to-be host of The Tonight Show and she was the cursing consultant on the wolf of Wall Street please welcome Jimmy Fallon and the star of Tammy Melissa McCarthy Amy Koda
Parks and Recreation and the Golden Globe goes to Amy Poehler Parks and Recreation I just want to say congratulations again to my friend Amy [Applause] okay our next presenter told me earlier that she isn't looking for new friends please welcome Emma Stone and now like a supermodels vagina let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio which film will take the night's most up [Applause] the Hollywood Foreign Press Association comprises journalists from all around the globe and we would like to now introduce you to our newest hfp a member a contributor to movies while magazine
and a north korean army general Cho Yong JA welcome [Applause] hi all right are you having a nice time can we get can we get you anything no I see you have your you brought your magazine with you um you want somebody to take a picture with you with your magazine okay who do you want to take a picture right now let's get a camera come on you got a camera come on I get a flat like Birdman let's do this let's do this I'm gonna picture my Meryl hold the magazine that's like hfp a
thing you got to hold the magazine okay thanks great okay we got a lot of weird emails that can't get out you got to do this for us okay all right okay you got it yeah do it for all of us Meryl there we go you love Korea everyone knows it here we go thank you crisis averted god bless oh thank you you're all great American great Americans ladies and gentlemen hfp a president and tall dutch drink of water CEO Kingma once again Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Cho Yong JA wanted to come up here
with us are you are you enjoying the show so far you don't think it's fun to see all these big movie stars and like crazy eyes and principles it's a fun show in North Korea we know how to put on a show this is not a show no you don't have thousand baby playing guitar at the same time you don't have people holding up many card to make one big picture you know have Dennis Rodman know best boy oh right someone someone drop the ball on Robin we'll get on that we'll get right on also
I think their orange is the new black should be in drama category you know it's funny but not haha fun also Piper and Alex relationship very toxic well you know you're making nothing but sense we will work on these things and in the meantime please welcome Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader well she should do bridesmaids too [Applause] he's ant-man and he's my aunt's favorite man please welcome Paul Rudd and Adam Levine [Applause]
