Heat. [Music] [Music] Heat. [Music] [Applause] [Music] Hey, this is Red Body Land from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony H. Who's ready for the best night of their lives? Huh? [Music] [Applause] Thanks for red, ladies and gentlemen. Oh Oh And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land? Huh? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa on the horns, the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Yes. Matt Muelling on the electric guitar. The great John De's on the keys.
That is D Madness live in the flesh. And how about one more time, joining us tonight, how exciting is this? The great and powerful Zack Brown. Ladies and gentlemen, hell yeah, it is happening. Love and Fear at the Sphere in Las Vegas set for December 2025 and January 2026. And the new album Love and Fear releases night one of their Sphere performances. That's Friday, December 5th. One more time for Zack Brown. Ladies and gentlemen, joining us all night. We're going to have some fun. welcome to the chaos, Zach. I love it. We're gonna have a
blast tonight, people. This is an unbelievable show we have set up for you. How many of you have been fans for a long time? Make some noise if you live in Austin, Texas. Make some noise if you live somewhere else and flew in because you were able to get tickets to this show. Unbelievable. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Guys, this podcast is sponsored by Blu. You know, I have a hard time when Heidi's around because I'm zipping around on Blu and it's not
just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longerlasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk. Discover your options at bluechw.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Blue Chew for free. Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Blue Chuw's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Go to bluechw.com for details and safety info. And big thanks to Blueu for sponsoring the podcast. [Music] Who's ready to start tonight's episode? Huh? Wow. I
mean, we got an episode sponsored by Talkspace. We got Zack Brown. We got the best stand in the land. Every single week, I book two of the funniest people in the world. This week, holy Top tippity tippity top. As good as it gets. Ladies and gentlemen, the return of Andrew Santino and Jimmy Carr. Yes, Andrew Santino is back. Jimmy Carr, one of the front runners for guests of the year. Jimmy Carr is back. Santino is back. White Noise is on Hulu. He's on tour. Andrew Santino.com. Jimmy Carr, one of the nominees. 2025 guest of the
year is back. Stiff competition. Rob Schneider. Carrot Top You. James McCann. It's crazy runningings and you are back and in it looking better than ever. Me and you often confused for two ventriloquist dummies. And here we are working together. Working together. It's Goosebumps meets Toy Story. Welcome back, Jimmy. Jimmycar.com. He's on tour all over the world. Aussie, New Zealand, the entire world. Jimmycar.com. How you doing, Jimmy? I'm having a great time. I'm very, very pleased to be here. kind of excited about this. Yes, me too. Nice to be uh nice to be helping young talent.
Absolutely. Andrew Santino, it has been way too long of a goddamn time. It's been a long time. It's going to be back. Hello, mothership. Great to be here. Started together 18 years ago. We were doing standup together all over Los Angeles. We started together um back when you were in your 50s. Hey. Hey, you you walking mummy. All right. Don't shoot at me, James. Oo, a little chemistry here. I like that. Stage. He started It's a little salt and cinnamon over here. Uh, hello. Don't. And uh, yeah. So, Andrew, it's been so long that you've
been on the show that maybe I should remind you that over 300 human souls signed up for the opportunity to get into tonight's bucket. It is absolutely incredible. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up near the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. We have some fun. We find out more about them. The whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen. I'm
going to let one of the members of the world's palest couple that I've ever seen in my entire life. You guys make Andrew Santino look like a Dominican Yankee player. My god. I mean, look at the lack of color on these people. It is incredible. I think they might be ghosts. Yeah, this is crazy. Is it Are you a couple? Yeah, that's unfortunate. If you guys make a baby, it's just going to look like a cup of Some of the powerful humor that you're in for tonight. Yeah. If you come on her tits, does it
just look like nothing? Yeah. Let's try. Let's see it. We want to see your ghost come, dude. All right. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We're going to start it with a golden ticket winner while we go wrangle. Ghost come, right? This is the ghost come episode of Kill Tony. While we go wrangle that uh bucket pool from the bar next door as that person finds out that their life has changed and they're about to be on the biggest show in all of comedy, we're going to bring out a golden ticket winner
to start off with a brand new minute. really one of the most neurotic young comedians coming up. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Jack Shaw. Everybody, here we go. I I got Roadhead. I did it. And and and that should be illegal. Uh no one should ever have road head ever. It's the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me. And if you think texting and driving is dangerous, uh try getting your dick sucked um while while Driving, uh it is horrifying. And um and if you ever are offering someone roadhead,
uh don't offer them roadhead. Um because we can't say no to that. It's like uh it's like offering a coke addict cocaine. It's like, "Yeah, of course I want the blow." And and that's a pun. And um and uh uh so you know it was happening for me and we were driving and it was fantastic but I'm panicking cuz that's what happens when you get roadhead cuz people can see you while you're driving dude. So, you're just sitting there trying to make like you're just driving. And we were driving and there was a UPS driver
who pulled up next to us and you know they have the big mail trucks, dude. And I'm panicking and I look over at him and he's looking at me and he goes and that's when I learned I come from positive affirmation. No, no, no, don't clap. Stop. Stop. Please stop popping. Stop. No. By God, he's coming. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to cut you off right there, Jack. Welcome. Welcome. That was great. Jimmy, can I ask where your mother was driving you? [Applause] Uh, no. You cannot, Jack. That was fun. That That type of bit
plays right into your awkward nervous neurosis. What are you talking about? I'm like a cool guy. Andrew, I'm like a cool guy. Yeah. Go ahead, Andrew. Yeah, this is this is uh Trump was right. Tylenol during pregnancy. Pause. Trump was right on the money, dude. This is bad. It's getting really bad. Bits amazing. Totally relatable to people that have had Roadhead before. Where were where was this? Oh, I was on the way back from Yusede and we were on a big mountain and I think because we were on a big mountain, she was like, "Oh,
I'm suck your dick." Wow. I was like, "Yeah." Amazing. You ever have you ever had Roadhead? Yes. I'll ask you the question. What kind of car were you driving when getting this road? I was driving my Fiat. Oh my god. It's a tiny little car. It's a tiny car. It's a tiny car. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. Jimmy, it was cramped. All right. Are you a cartoon? You have a very cartoon vibe. Oh, okay. I mean I mean I love it. Okay. But you don't feel like a real boy. Have you seen your face? It is. It
is. All right. Like it's to It's totally actually pretty reasonable. Yeah. Yeah. It's so It's so scary. Jimmy, it's kind The issue. The laugh suits you. Yeah, it does. But where did you start laughing like that? I've always had like an innie laugh. A weird innie. I've got a theory on it. I think I must have rubbed a magic lamp at some point and uh a magic genie appeared and granted me three wishes and there must have been a mixup something lost in translation and now instead of being hung like a donkey, I laugh like
one. Tony, you stay quiet over there. It's just me and Jimmy now. Okay. Okay, never mind. Very funny. Sorry. I thought that was going to be so funny. I think I'm being groomed. Yeah, you're being reverse groomed. Yeah, my bad. The pedophile has become the rubber. Oh, wait. No, that I said that wrong. The victim has become the pedophile. There it is. Could have been better the first time, but all right. Uh, Jack, what else is going on in life? Everything good? I have, you know, I've been uh I've been trying to find ways to
deal with uh my anxiety and I I've been nervous to talk about this, but um I've uh and people in my life don't know about this, but I've been uh I've found a way to deal with it and I I've been I've been jazz scatting. Um Okay, let's You want to do a little jazz scatting for the I was thinking I was thinking I could I think I could jazz scat a little bit. Okay. Uh, just Jack's one of those guys that I can really only handle for about 5 minutes and he is literally at
4 minutes and 51 seconds on this stage right now and I can just feel it creeping on. Like I kind of get sick of him. He's always great for a minute or here. He is jazz scouting. It's Jack Shaw, everybody. Wow. [Laughter] [Music] Wow. Unbelievably stupid. We're going to check in with our senior music correspondent tonight, Zack Brown. What did you think about that jazz scatting that you just heard right there? I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Perfect. Yes, I think we all did. There's a We all had a little I feel
like I'm in a dream sequence in an episode of Save by the Bell. Yeah, it is true. He does have those creepy vibes. Andrew Santina. Once again, the Jews stealing black art live. Yeah, once again, dude, it is amazing. I was afraid of that, but I have jazz in my heart and come in my pants, so that's okay. Sorry. Wow. All right. All right. Well, you got tonight started for us. You showed everybody how it goes. Jack Shaw, thank you guys so much. And it has begun, everybody. To the bucket we go. This is the
bread and butter of the show where truly anything can happen. We meet people together. Sometimes it's a super talent of the future that ends up becoming an arena actor on SNL. Anything can happen. We're finding the next talent. Sometimes it's a completely mentally ill person that thought they could do this easily and it turns out life hits hard. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night is Marvin Izzy. Everybody, Marvin Izzy, [Music] y'all good? Hell yeah, man. So, I've been out here in Austin for a couple of months and uh saw on the
news the reporter said that these two individuals got into a kurfuffle and uh one of them stabbed the other and murdered him. And that made me sad cuz like 40 years of being on this earth and I ain't know what kurfuffle meant. I was looking up where's uh kurfuffle Texas on Google and Uh celebrated 18 years with my wife which is cool. when my grandparents uh celebrated they were 60 years together before they passed away and I asked her like what's your secret for a long relationship like that my grandmother was like it's not don't
worry it's not going to happen for you and I'm like damn why not and she was like because we've known each other since we were children and I'm like that's beautiful like how did y'all even know each other since y'all were kids and she was like because we're cousins so it's it's true we're not I will never Achieve what they achieved cuz I broke up with my cousin years ago. Marvin Izzy. All right. Hell yeah. Welcome back to the show, Marvin. I remember you. You've been on before. Yes, sir. How's it going? Uh, it's been
going great, man. I'm been out here uh living in Austin for 9 months and it's beautiful out here, man. I love it. Right. Well, how do you make money, Marvin? Uh, so I It's a very good question. Yeah, I I have a day job. I mean, I work for this uh factory company just doing assembly work and Just handle the inventory. That's right. What are you putting together in the factory? Uh, just computer parts and stuff. Really can't say too much about it. You made me sign like NDAs and Oh, perfect. Well, then you've already
said too much. Yeah. I love it. Marvin, what you've been doing for fun in life other than what you've been doing a lot of open mics. Uh yeah, I've gone out to a couple of mics and stuff, you know? Uh sign up for the Mothership every Monday. Sign up here every Monday and uh like Creek and all the other ones in town that I can get out to. What do you do for fun when you're not doing standup? Uh honestly, I just like to chill in my crib like, you know, just chill in your crib.
Yeah, just chill in my house. You know, we we are like peas in a pot. Yeah, I love to chill in my crib. Indeed you do. Uh I feel like is there is there a drug assist going on here? Uh weed. Oh, weed. You're not counting that as a Yes, that's it. Drugs. No, that makes sense. What do you do when you're chilling at the crib? What exactly do you do? Uh I like to like have a little drink, sit on my little patio area, just look at the stars and Look at the stars. Look
at you. entertain like this guy in the year four. I think you're a beautiful human being because you came out with like that yo yo de what up and then now we talk and you're like well I like to sit on the patio you're like a drug dealer I can take home to mom I it I like you dude I am actually polite you know yeah but I am from the hood like where you you are from the where you from I'm originally from uh Bronx New York okay what's the craziest thing you ever saw
in the streets of the Bronx Oh uh I seen A dude gets stabbed over a Heineken bottle. Oh my god. You know what that's called? They call that a kathuffle. Yeah. Yeah. Little Indeed they do. Little Puerto Rican payback right there. It's like Freaky Friday. He's being me. Amazing. What did you do when you saw that? Did you try to help the stabbing victim? Uh no. I just screamed oh in shock. And uh I lived right it happened right across the street from a police station and like oh like that oh like oh you know
is that how you said it? Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. Like oh You know like that's the type of blood that was pouring out of the innocent victim. It was typo. Yeah. Typo. Yeah. Why' I do that? Way to help him. Yeah. No. And then uh there was a police station right across the street. So we looked at them was like, "Yo, come help." And they told us to call 911. Yeah. It's a bureaucracy. You do have to go to the It's an order of events there. You can't just wave at the police. Yeah. Silly.
I I I got I got genuine feedback if that's appropriate. Let's do it. You're adorable when you smile. Like you've got a really lovely smile. Thank you. And yet you came out and you were very kind that it was quite a harsh kind of tough guy thing. I think laughing a little bit would be good with your set. I think I was just more focused on it cuz you know my last appearances weren't as cool as this one right now. Definitely not. I remember it was terrible. But I like it when he giggles. It's true.
It's kind of funny, right? Jimmy's got a point. You can be focused and smile at the same time. Oh, okie dokie. You do your own thing. I'm sorry. All right. Sorry. There we go. I was just It's funny how someone compliments like my giggle and stuff cuz someone said I sound like a Puerto Rican Crusty the clown. So I Thank you. I'm sorry. As you were saying, I'm sorry. Oh, thank you. Thank you for the opportunity. Really, thank you. Wow, what an opportunity you've given me. I'm so glad you pulled me out of your bucket
tonight so that I can talk on your show. Thank you. What is this tattoo on your farm? What does that say? Uh, this is my daughter's name. It says Leila. It says that says Leila. That Can we get a closeup on that? Cuz that does not say Leila. Definitely doesn't. What language is that? Uh, it's calligraphy and uh I guess an apprentice did or something. I did it when I was like 18 or some So once say Leila now you know I did you stab the tattoo artist with a Heineken bottle after that? No. No,
I didn't get into any kurfuffle with them. All right. Leila. Yeah. Captain song. What song? Yeah. Yeah. Cultured. Yeah. You don't know Ila. Leila got me on my knees. Leila, you don't know that song? No, I really don't. It's kind of like if Bad Bunny like slowed it down and had rhythm. I don't listen to Bad Bunny either, but I didn't know you couldn't sing. Every time you've been on, you had a little joke book. Yeah. And I uh actually wanted to ask a weird thing. I wanted to trade in my little joke book and
I wanted to see if you guys Somebody here wanted to do something cool. Oh boy. This is really your moment, huh? Jesus Christ. Holy bro. I said, you prepared for this more than you did for the minute. Took you 35 seconds to get to the kurfuffle punchline, but here you are. Well, I'd like to stop and uh I'd like to do something special. What are you accepting a Emmy award? No, I'm not. I think he's going to try and Tony. Yeah, I think so. Wants to shove the joke book up my ass or what's going
on? So, this will be the second time that I'm doing this. Uh, I'm going to cut my hair off and donate it uh for, you know, children to get wigs made out of. Wow. So, I wanted to know some kid with cancer out there is going to have a greasy pony. Cut it off. Oh, okay. Great. Wait, what? Andrew was going to cut off the tail here. I I don't want to look at it anymore. I was Did you sneak a pair of scissors in here? I hope y'all do. I can't bring any. You got
a knife? This guy's got a crazy knife. Wait a second. What are we doing here? Oh my god. This is how it all ends, everybody. Man, man stabbed with Zack Brown's knife. Kill Tony. Zack Brown. We're all getting cancelled at the same time. Joe Rogan's insurance is like, "Oh, wow. [Music] Unbelievable. Hey, that is a knife. That is a powerful knife. This is great. You can add hairdressing to your resume. It's incredible. Just trying to follow in your footsteps, Dad. It's incredible. Beautiful. This is very healthy hair as well. I Why is it still in
your hand? Yeah. Give it. Well, I realize if I put it down, it will go away. Oh, it's so disgusting. Yeah. Get that away from us. Please hand it to No, no, no, no, no, no. It's for a cancer camp. It's almost October. What do you guys want? What do you want? Give it to Hold it. I want to trade this in. Give it to that guy. You want to What? I wanted to trade this in. What the are we going to do with that? You psycho spend too much time little joke staring at the
stars. You keep your little joke book. All right, keep your little joke book. And you've moved up to a medium joke book. There you go. Boom. And the show is with Marvin. There's something disgusting to me about that hair. Get out of here, Marvin. Go. Jesus just one more thing. I wanted to take the ponytail that I've cut off and oh my god, ladies and gentlemen, nothing makes me forget about disgusting piles of hair better than the beautiful Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. Heidiro Regina.com, her new website. She has a new podcast with the
great Valerie. Dandruff all over this table. Very good. Red Band's been waiting 30 seconds to get the big dandruff line in there. Everyone, if you look back at the video, he's waiting. He's got the mic up to his mouth to say there's dandruff. I'll stop being polite. I'll stop being polite. Polite. That is a compliment. It's not dandruff. It's actual hair. There is small pieces of hair. Guys, this podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. You know, I have a hard time when Heidi's around because I'm zipping around on Blue Chew. And it's not just a
tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longerlasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Red B Tony, I love eating me some Blue Chew. They're providing the best ED treatment out there. I can carry my Encyclopedia Brickanica everywhere I go. If you catch my Whoa. Wow, that's crazy. Guys, this isn't about performance. This is about legacy or third legacy. Give her group chat something to talk about. You know, when you lay it down, they're talking about how it gets up.
Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little blue. Discover your options at bluechw.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Blue Chew for free. Just use promo code tonia at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Bluetooth's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Go to bluechw.com for details and safety info. And big thanks to Bluw for sponsoring the podcast. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Zip Recruiter. The holidays are upon us and businesses are hiring for seasonal roles.
Everything from haunted corn maze workers to lead elves and real bearded Santaas to snowplow drivers. This means that people with certain skills experience or even a special license are in high demand and not easy to find. Whether you're hiring for one of these roles or any other role, the best way to find your perfect match. And your role is on Zip Recruiter. And right now you can try it for free at zipcruiter.com/killton. Tony, I love Zip Recruiter. It's the best hiring site out there. You can find out right away how many job seekers are in
your area that are qualified for your role. With Zip Recruiter's advanced resume database, you can instantly unlock top candidates contact info. No wonder Zip Recruiter is the number one rating height hiring site based on G2. Let Zip Recruiter find the right people for your roles, seasonal or otherwise. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. And right now, you can try it for free at zipcruiter.com/killton. Again, that's zipcruiter.com/killton. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. You guys ready for your next bucket pull? You get it?
Ladies and gentlemen, doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. It's Justin Tomio, everybody. Justin Tomo. [Applause] [Music] [Applause] So, my buddy just came back from his honeymoon trip in the Virgin Islands. And when he was out there, the tour guide on the boat, he said, "If you look just right out there, you can see Epstein's Island." Like, "What the fuck?" He looked over at his wife. What the He said, "Yeah, and if you go on the beach, you grab a sea shell, you can hear a kid cry. Yeah, it's up. Y'all laughed at that. But that's Yeah.
Um, sorry. You got any single people here? Yeah. yeah. I'm doing that online dating or what I call I keep getting tricked by fat girls. [Applause] The the worst kind of fat girl on there is the pregnant ones cuz no, that is not the threesome I want to have. All right, I'm Justin Tomio. Thank you guys. Justin Tomo, everybody, welcome Justin. Is this your first time on the show? Absolutely, man. I love it. How long you been doing standup? Uh, about two and a half and some change. Where at? Uh, just local Austin Anderson Mill
Pub. Got to love that. The open mic. You can get on there. It's It's hard as So, wow. Amazing. I have I have a feeling it would be so difficult for me to get a chance to perform at the Anderson pub. Hey, I know somebody is so hard to do. Andrew Santino, I love your disdain for fat girls. I think that's great. I really enjoy that kind of belittling of women. I like that, dude. That's good. Especially cuz you're in such good shape. I like that you're like, "Fuck these fat girls, man. That's cool." Yeah.
them, dude. Right on. Good for you, dude. Rock and roll. How often are you getting tricked by fat girls? How often does this happen? It happens a lot. And I'm sure every guy here can attest to it. What's the trick that they're doing? How do No one How do they How do they trick you? What are they doing? Are they using filters on their pictures? It's It's the angles, man. It's the angles, the hair. They put the hair and they got the They prompt the titties up there and it's just every guy's like, "Yes, swipe."
And then they're like, "Fuck." They see them. So you end up out on dates with these people and nope. And then what do you what how does it go? Do you end up clo finishing anyway because you're already committed? Do you? No. I mean, what do you do? Fake a stomach ache and go home early. It's good. That's good, actually. It is good. No. So, what I started doing was meeting him at Wendy's and I do Is that true what you're saying? I do a little driveby. Oh, man. This happens a lot. It did. It
did. Are you sure you don't want anything? No. I mean, the worst thing, they get a Frosty out of it and everybody's happy, right? Okay. But seriously though, like what's the limit? Like when do you decide Jimmy Carr? You want to jump in on this? Well, yeah. I mean, the the fat shaming thing. I mean, if you're Come on, lighten up. And do you do you not like a a larger lady? There's more cushion for the cushion. That's something. Honestly, it's I have a air mattress topper and if they're bigger than me, we just fall
in there like a black hole. Just Oh, this is an insecurity thing is what this is. No, I just want to be able to honestly. So, okay. I can't when I'm in a black hole. Maybe stop wearing shorts. You're a grown man. Okay. It's hot out here. Solid advice, I would say. Solving for comfort, I see. I like the Epstein Island thing, you know. Thank you. Yeah, it was good. It was good. How did you break your nose when you were younger? Um, I I I'm going to guess it was a fat girl. Yeah. Yeah.
And I'm going to guess that a lot there's been a lot of fat girls at Wendy's that go to their friends afterwards and go, "Yeah, this guy had a real crooked nose. It was weird. It was like staring at his face. It looked good in the pictures cuz of the angles." But then, but then when he was when we were at Wendy's eating our Baconators together with Red B across the restaurant from us, I couldn't help but to notice that he his nose was crooked as all It was all I could pay attention to and
think of. It's a basketball accident or something. It's I got to tell you, it's the worst time to figure out you got a crooked nose right now. Right now. You've never been told this before? Never. Oh my god. You've never been photographed before? Might be the angle of your mirror, man. Wait till he hears what happened to his mustache. What do you do for work, Justin? This is um I'm a pool guy. Okay. Clean pool. Clean pools. All right. Fat girls, huh? Yeah. Catch some whales in that net with your little shark fin nose. man.
Yeah, dude. It's crooked as a dude. Just Can I ask So, you're on the online dating apps. I'm not really an afficionado of such things. But how do you describe your body type? I'm I'm finding out right now probably wrong. And I should have put in the crooked nose part now. Like, well, the crooked nose is the least of your worries. Is it? Oh my. I'm talking more about the um what are you like a bup, right? Yeah. I think he has them pushed up a little bit tonight. What do you have in your bio
on your dating app? Um honestly, I I I don't online date anymore. Oh, that was an old joke. Oh, okay. Been cooking it and been loving getting roasted by you guys for it. So, it's great. I love it. Oh, you'll be all right. I'll be good. Yeah, we love you. We still love you. Do you do any pool material? Uh, there's got to be a wealth of stories you've acquired cleaning pools, right? I And yeah, I mean there's there isn't like I've been How I've been diving into like where I write my jokes. It's been
like piece by piece and I haven't kind of got there yet, honestly. Can I Can I ask a question on behalf of everyone? Is there really a chemical that turns a different color if you pee in the pool? Yeah. No. No. That doesn't exist. That's no cuz I I I know I sometimes I pee in the pool and that's not really an issue. But sometimes I pee into the pool. That's the problem. You get upset with that. Right. Of course. There's the splash. There's no there's no chemical. So unless they catch you dick in Right.
Absolutely. Yeah. I I have a poll question. I I I heard uh when you smell chlorine I always thought, "Wow, they just changed the water or whatever." I heard that's the actual smell of pee in the pool. No. And when you smell it, that's the dead. I could answer that one. The dead pee. Well, the dead chlorine that that's made kills, right? So that's right. Well, I guess I mean if you if you're just peeing in your pool, that's all you got? Then yeah. No. No. Smell of dead chlorine. That means it killed a pee.
No. No. No. That's not what that means. I know. Well, this is If I put chlorine, if you put chlorine in the pool, it smells like chlorine. Doesn't mean someone pissed. Chlorine smells like chlorine. That's what I thought of. Piss smells like piss. I heard it. So many told. I think you should write some pool science. Everybody, we got Anthony Fouchy over here trying to trying to fudge the numbers. Our studies show that our studies show that if you smell chlorine, it's actually piss by our own research done by the pharmaceutical companies themselves. All right.
Uh Justin, what's the uh what what is the uh craziest thing you've ever found cleaning a pool? Uh I found two baby deers. Wow. I thought, thank god you said deers cuz I just thought you were going to end with two babies. It was going to be the same thing. You just Okay. How big were the deers? Was this around Christmas time? Was it perhaps? Well, no. It was just after like a a gnarly rainstorm, so the pool got super high and they couldn't tell when it was night time. They just walked in there. The
pool got high, right? Yeah. It got super The pool went above the level of the water. Yeah. Well, no. the water level kind of just went level and they couldn't tell. It went level, right? You know, like a pool, right? So, okay. Trying to reel all Redband's trying to prove to me that the smell of chlorine is actually P. He's asking AI and showing me, but the question he asked is smell of chlorine is actually P. When you ask it a certain way, it's going to be like, well, yes. Read it. The sharp pool smell
is not pure chlorine, but rather chloromines, a product created when chlorine reacts with the nitrogen containing substances found in urine, sweat, and other bodily fluids. High levels of these Get your cigarette away from me. High levels of these chloromines indicate that there's a significant amount of bodily waste in the pool and that the chlorine is being used up fighting these contaminants rather than killing harmful bacteria. Wait, what does it say at the bottom there? No fat chits. Who wrote that? It is amazing. There's also a Postmates order that's halfway filled. His shopping cart is filled.
Uh, Justin Tomo, congratulations. You're leaving here also with a medium joke. Congratulations. There he goes. Justin Tomo, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jesse Vasquez, everyone. Jesse Vasquez. [Music] [Applause] Hello everybody. What's going on? All right. Well, kill Tony. Hi. All right. AR-15 bulletproof vest, pistol, and bullets. What do we call those? School supplies. All right. All right. All right. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Speaking of shootings, we lost Charlie Clark recently. I never met the guy, but I
hear he's a real pain in the neck. Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry. I figure if I bomb hard enough, Trump will tweet about it. All right. All right. All right. I get told I look like I'm going to kill somebody a lot. I feel like I'm probably the reason women like serial killer documentaries. Oh, I'm nervous as guys. Appreciate it. All right. All right. All right. Um, I already said that. All right. How do you come on a senator? You fill a bust a nut on her. No. All right. All right. Um, I'm thinking
of having a knot tying seminar for suicide survivors. Second time's a charm, right? No. Too dark. All right, guys. All right, last thing real quick. Most girls don't They're stopping you there, Jesse. I'm going to jump in, too. Yeah, that's enough. Hi, Jesse. Have you ever done standup before? Yes, I have. I'm nervous as Tony. Okay. Why? Why are you extra nervous right now? I'm going to kill Tony. Right. I performed in front of maybe about 15 people the most. Okay. How many times have you attempted standup comedy? You memorized none of your jokes. You're
not even good at reading your jokes off of the paper that you prepared. Like literally anybody could do what you just did. Yes, they can. Especially making fun of Charlie Clark, the most famous guy in the world right now. You got his name 50% correct. Did I it up? My bad. Yeah, you it all up, buddy. Yes, sir. it all up. So, again, how long how many times have you attempted standup comedy? Uh, I've been in Austin for about two months. I'd say maybe twice a week so far. Twice a week. Yeah. Okay. Yes, sir.
How's it been going? Do you always you write off the paper like that? Uh, no I don't. I just I wrote it down. I I knew I was in a blank soon as I got up here. Man, what do you do? Take a guess. I bet you get it on the first shot. I bet I don't. delivery drivers. I do a delivery. I'm a delivery. I do Door Dash. Okay. And I do security at ACL next month. How old are you? 36. And why is it that you're just delivering things? So what have you not
gotten good at anything? Prison. Okay, let's talk about it. Why'd you go to prison? So now I'll engage. Yeah, finally. Yeah, obviously I went to prison. I'm pretty sure y'all can tell. This is what you're good at talking about. Look how different his body language is. Okay, here we go. All right. Starts moving. The nervousness is gone. I feel like this is your thing. You're the prison guy. Tell us about it. I take it. Yeah. Well, f first time I went to prison, uh, a year and a half for weed. Okay. Uh, about 100 pounds
of weed. And then uh the second the second 100 lb of weed. Stop you there. 100 lb of weed. That's a mi's worth of weed. That's just one time there's a 33 lbs and another time with 40 lb. Oh my goodness. You got 33 and 40 and that's 100. No, no, no, no. Three separate times. 100 3. You have more extra pounds than Justin Tamayo's dates. Um, and then the second time, uh, I got caught, uh, well, it was a conspiracy. It was 57 illegals. Uh, what were being transported? Keep going. Uh, go ahead. I
rented the guy the U-Haul that took a bunch of illegals somewhere. You ran into the guy. Rented. You rented the guy the U-Haul. I heard that U-Haul had that business. Yes. Don't they rent the U-Hauls? I rented it for him. You rented it for him through U-Haul? Okay. And then he went and got caught with 30 people in the back. And then it sounds very much like you were the guy. Yeah, it really does. I don't want to give you a hard time. I got receipts. So, how much did the guy pay you to rent
the car for them to run this extremely illegal operation? How much money did You 1500 bucks? 1,500 bucks. And And how long did you do in jail? Three and a half years. Wow. For Hey, 1,500 bucks. Worth it. It's like an iPhone. Yeah. Yeah. Three and a half years. And those are the two times. Those are the only two times you've been to jail. To prison. Okay. I've been to jail lots of times. Okay. Tell us about some of the times you've been to jail. Um got caught with small amount smaller amounts of marijuana. Uh
it's pretty much it. I mean, A lot of weed tickets. At any point when you were in jail, was marijuana legalized in America? No. That must be an annoying be very upset. But there was plenty of marijuana in the jail, so that helps. Was it all in Texas? All these things? Yes, sir. Okay, Jesse, do you know what a fall guy is? Me? Yeah. See how he knows the terminology? He knows only personship. When you look at your face, I could tell the guys were like, Jesse's gonna take the hit for sure. Oh yeah. Like
this guy definitely gets busted 100%. Yeah. Jesse tell us what was it like in prison? Tell us some of the tricks that you would do to pass the time or survive. Would you make a little like quesadilla out of Doritos and like crumbled up crumb cakes or something? It's funny that you say that, Tony. That happens a lot in there. Uh I actually uh would just buy like I had my own store. I just buy and resell it with stamps. Stamps is money in prison, guys. Dollar stamps. Oh, okay. Good. Yeah. So you walk around
with a fat stack of stamps. I shove a bunch of stamps up my ass for if I ever get sent to prison. Yeah. Stampos.com. I I got to say something. I said this to the the other guy, too. Your material should be about prison. Yeah. I mean, every that's such a wealth of like it's not relatable, but it's fun to hear. It'll be funny. Yeah. Yeah. I want to know like did you were you were you a Were you a god? Were you He was a Well, I know in terms I got kind of lucky
that I'm not I He's a good-look guy, huh? Keep going. Keep going. Keep answering your question. Go ahead. I feel like I just look scary. I get told like I'm serious about that. Who People come up to me and tell me I look like I want to kill people, but why would you go say that to somebody? Yeah. No, it's true. It kind of makes you want to kill somebody, doesn't it? Exactly. Thank you. But you would never People that have been to prison multiple times never do anything. Never. Never. But yeah, you do have
the eyes of the last person someone sees without a doubt. The trunk opens for just a moment. You see those eyes and then it's just darkness. He's got a tattoo that says, "Please stop. Don't I feel like Yeah, you look at me. You don't know if I'm going to you or I'm going to kill you. Either way, I'm coming." Yeah. Okay. Very good. See, there's a good one. All right. There you go, Jesse. I feel like it's a it's definitely both. And it's what order? Oh, yeah. Well, I personally I hope he kills me first.
The other part of that is that he does whatever he's going to do. I think we're all in agreement. You should write a set about being in prison. That's the interesting thing about No, I will. The edgy jokes. You got to be so good at comedy before you take on material that's that heavy. Don't do it until you're ready to do it. That the squeeze has to the juice has to be worth the squeeze, right? That's You got nothing there. Leave that stuff alone. Just talk about you first person. Yeah. Hell yeah. No doubt about
it. Let me ask you this. Did anyone ever try to rape you in prison? No. No. With any close calls? No. Okay. So, did you just use your imagination and like masturbate? They're like, "What did you do?" Oh, they got plenty of uh Well, so there's guys in there. Okay. Jerking off to a stamp. George Washington just like, "Oh, yeah." Yeah. More like Abraham Lincoln, am I right? This dude's hot. It's It's kind of neat because So, there's people that have been in there for a long time. I met a guy that went into prison
the month I was born and uh just saying that because Rick fan come on Hey, this is where he got to meet his dad. Yeah, there's a lot of vintage porn in the prisons cuz they don't allow porn anymore, but they used to. So there's a lot of like 80s and 90s like, you know, magazines and like that. So you get little blast from the past, you know. Hell yeah. Not the first time you've seen a 100 pounds of bush. Were you Were you bummed? Were you bummed that you never got picked? That no one
in I never got picked. I got picked on Kill Tony. I can't get picked. No. Were you bummed that no one in prison wanted you? Were you bummed? Well, did that kind of It's like everybody wants to You don't want to be picked last, you know? I'll take what I can get. All right. Well, good news. What you're getting is the size of a stamp, every little joke. There you go, buddy. Oh, if you only caught books as well as you catch charges. Yes, there he goes. Jesse Vasquez, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness. We're
having fun. Some very compelling interviews by these bucket pools. Not a big joke book yet. Hi there. This podcast is sponsored by Nicked. Nick is back, baby. They're our favorite pouches, and this time it's 100% made in the USA. They rebuilt it from the ground up. Every single piece of it, all American sourced. These are higher quality, premium ingredients, people. And here's the difference with Nick. Other brands are using wood pulp, but Nick uses a coconut fiber blend that actually feels and hits just right. They are on another level, man. Tony, guess what? I love
Nick. These pouches are so much better than any others I've tried. Nick has the best flavors and they last so much longer. Plus, these pouches don't hurt my gums like the other brands. That's right. You have weak little gums. Everybody knows it. right now. Kill Tony listeners, get 35% off unlimited orders for up to 6 months. Where else will you find this kind of deal? Only at nickedpouches.com/tonony with code Tony. Get 35% off at nykdpouches.com/tonony. nicked us. The pouches are back. Nicked products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified.
Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Howdy. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. When we were young, we used to dream of being anything. An astronaut, the president, a fireman, a professional donut maker. Instead of dreaming of going to space or owning your own castle, start dreaming of owning your own business, perhaps. Yeah, you'll need a website, a payment system, a logo, and a way to advertise to new customers. Thankfully, that's where today's great sponsor, Shopify, comes in. Shopify is the commerce platform behind 10% of all ecommerce in the US. From household
names like Mattel and Gym Shark to brands just getting started. With hundreds of readytouse templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store to match your brand's style. Bam. Tony, Shopify is the best. Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools. Now you can accelerate your content creation. Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create emails, social media campaigns, wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling or bowling or perhaps rolling. Why my donuts? Whoa. Donut lover Brian Redband. Shopify is your commerce expert. So turn your big business idea into with
Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com/killton. Go to shopify.com/killton. But great interviews. Make some noise for your next one. It's Paul Ramirez, everybody. Bucket number four. [Music] So I just got told I look like a Pokemon train with a fentanyl addiction. Hell yeah, dude. I suck the Pikachu from dick, you know. All right, that sucked. Uh, hell yeah. I just graduated high school about a year ago today and I found out in the news that my old high school teacher, he got arrested for trading
A's in exchange for sex, which wasn't news to me because I was a straight A student back in high school. He taught me a valuable lesson though. One lesson he taught me was that sometimes in life you got to give head to get ahead, you know. High school was weird for me. I went to high school during the era of school shootings, you know, and my school came up with a program to prevent school shootings. My school came up with a program we' be nice to the kid who we thought was most likely to shoot
up the school, you know, which benefited me cuz it made me Mr. Popular back in high school. I don't know why I was going to shoot up to school. I was too busy sucking my teacher off, you know. [Applause] Thank you. Paul Ramirez with his Kill Tony debut. How old are you, Paul? Scared. What? Scared. How old are you, Paul? Oh, my bad. 22. What did you think I said? How are you? Oh, I love it. Okay. And you were in high school until you were 21? Why? How? How did this happen, Paul? I don't
know. I'm gay. All right. All right. Okay. What did that have to do with it? I don't know, man. Okay. I ran out of things to say. It's okay, Paul. Just think of the real answers. You don't have to like have a joke prepared for everything. This is I'm trying too hard. It's Don't do that. Just answer. Answer honestly, Paul. You're doing good, buddy. Don't worry. You're panicking. I am. It's okay, Paul. Close your eyes, Paul. Yeah. Think No. Keep your eyes closed. Close your eyes, Paul. Close your eyes. It's okay. Trust us. Remember who
you are. Know who you are. You're Paul. You came here tonight with some pretty good jokes. They did pretty good, huh? Paul, do you feel good? Yeah. Now, open your eyes. Here we are, Paul. Welcome to Kill Tony. Yeah. Paul Ramirez. Where you from, Paul? El Paso. Okay. How long have you been in Austin? Two days. I love it. How long you staying for? I leave tomorrow. Okay. And what else have you What else are your plans in Austin? Or what have you done since being here? I drank a bunch of beer at the hotel
room. Okay. Today. Was that today? Yeah. All right. How many beers did you have? Like four. Oh my goodness. Four beers. Yeah. Did you have any drinks at the bar next door? No. It's too expensive. Okay. It's like 20 bucks for two drinks. Well, where did you get the four beers at your hotel room? Oh, Circle K. Okay. How many beers did you buy? Four. I bought a 12-pack, but I split it between my friends. Okay. You're staying in a hotel with friends. Yeah. How many guys are in this hotel room? Oh, dude. Like three
and one girl. Wow. Amazing. Two beds. Yeah, I sleep on the floor. Okay. Wow. Kind of odd to be a gay guy that sleeps on a floor with a bunch of dudes. Yeah, man. It's sick. I creep up on them at night. Hell yeah. All right. That poor girl. Yeah, exactly. No, she just watches. All right, Paul. Like I said, that poor girl. Oh, yeah. What do you do for work in El Paso? Landscaping. I'm a Wow. All right, Paul, close your eyes again, dude. Good God. Take it easy, Paul. Yeah. Oh my god. Wild
boy. Paul. Bad boy. Paul, stand up. I hit four years yesterday. Wow. So, you really did start when you were 18? Yeah. Okay. Then you're just still doing the high school joke cuz that's the one you're used to. Yeah. It's my best Yeah. Okay. Everything else is Yeah. I'm going to get you. It is good. That joke was good. You like it? Good. I think it was a good little run of joke. Be I'm being genuine. It was a great little You had a good You had a good It was really good. It all tied
together. It was very good. Thank you, man. I like your too. Thank you. I think you're No, this guy's the man. Yeah, I was going to say I love that guy. I think you're your material is. You seem naturally funny when you don't try to just immediately go like, "Oh, I'm gay." Orah, I got scared. My bad. It's okay. It's all right. You're comfortable now. Take your hands out of your pockets. Relax a little bit. Paul, uh, what's your family like? You have a big family? Uh, my mom's fat. Wow. Why do you think your
mom's fat? What? We got a bucket pull for her. I'm sorry. Why do you think your mom's so fat? What is she? I I saw her. Right. But But why? What do you think she's doing to be fat? Yeah. Did you? Not exactly the answer I was looking for, by the way. My bad. Was asking something she eats or something like that. Jimmy Carr, go ahead. Did your fat mom ever the pool guy? No, we don't have a pool. Just dirt. I live in El Paso. It's true. No pools in El Paso. No, there's pools
in El Paso. We just don't got one. We got grass. Yeah, you seem terrific. I love you, man. Yeah, you seem just kind of terrific. But I think that thing about going So, you're a gay guy. Very straight acting, right? Uh, I'm not straight. No, no, but you're straight. That would suck. My bad. So that thing of like going when when did you come out? Jesus. Huh? When did you come out? 2003. Oh. Oh. U gay. [Music] He answers questions in such an odd way. What did you eat for breakfast? Well, I've eaten everything for
breakfast that I've ever tried for every breakfast. Yeah, but it was literal. He said, "When did you come out as gay?" He said 2003 when he was born into the world. That is the that's the last vagina he was in. That's right. That's right. Never again. He said never again. Yuck. Are you really gay? Is this a bit or No, dude. I just say that when I'm nervous. Okay. Jesus. I hope this guy never goes to prison. [Applause] I was just nervous. Wow. Unbelievable. I think there's something of the belushies about his eyes. There's something
about your eyes that's very belushi. And I mean that in a You're kind of adorable. Thank you. Kind of adorable, right? He's very likable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like him. No doubt about it. 22 still doing jokes about how he was in high school a year ago. It's incredible. I'm gay. There you go. catchphrase, ladies and gentlemen. It's never gonna get old. Yeah, I like that. Sweet. Put it on merch. You have merch that says I'm gay. No, I have merch about my mom's Your mom has a I hope so. Okie dokie. Uh, again, some
people bad minutes, good interviews, some people good minutes, bad interviews. The good news is you're the first person leaving with a big joke book. There he goes, Paul Ramirez. Wow. Amazing. Let's get through another one here. Make some noise for your next bucket poll who seems to be the first non-Latino of the night. Four in a row. These people. Thank you, Joe Biden, for uh letting these people in. All right, makes noise for your first non-Latino bucket pool of the night. Chris Ree, everybody. Chris Ree. Well, he might be Latino, too. Chris Ree, everyone. I
hate to disappoint you guys, but I am half Mexican. [Applause] I just got born with that white skin. Thank God. Staying in this country. Been going through a rough patch sexually, sir. So, your relationship pisses me off. I have. I've been going through a rough patch, sexually. So, naturally, I have to get really good at masturbating. Yeah. You good at masturbating, Asian man? Are you good at masturbating? How do you masturbate? Just two chopsticks on the shaft up and down. No, I'm I'm really good. I got a really good method for masturbating. I go on
my phone and I text all my contacts. I'm going to kill myself, shove it up my ass, and ignore the calls while I jerk off. Yeah, yeah. My mom's frantically calling and I'm ignoring her. [Applause] There you go. Okay, Chris Reese. Honestly, after seeing that, I'm really surprised people are trying to stop you from killing yourself. Yeah, the crowd work on the Asian man and then straight into a vibrating phone up your ass. Welcome back, Chris. It's been a while. Yes, sir. Hell yeah. How are How long you been doing standup now? Eight years. Eight
years. And what do you do for work again? Uh, I've been recently I've been I built circuit boards. Okay. Yeah. This guy's my manager. That's right. That guy's not even Asian. Yeah. You're not Asian. I'm half Asian. Yeah. Okay, then I'm right. Not good enough. Yeah. Not good enough. I don't know if you've seen Bobby Lee, but he's used to Asian as all all. So, you're not registering as 50%. He's used to I like full, dude. I build circuit boards. Okay. Yeah. What do you do for fun? What do I do for fun? Uh, mainly
I just watch a lot of horror movies when I'm not doing standup. I uh I do coloring books. Oh, wow. Horror movies and coloring books. Amazing. Like spaghetti and meatballs. They go together. So, favorite coloring book, favorite horror movie. Favorite coloring book, favorite horror movie. Yeah. Uh, favorite horror movie, The Thing. The original. Uh, the 80s one. Yeah. Yeah, that's the original. No. Yeah, there's one from the 50s. Whoa. Oh, Whoa. Excellent. Okay. But don't come at me with that No, I love it. I love that coloring book. Uh, it's a hor It's called like
dark art. So, like really detailed stuff, like horror stuff. Okay. Okay. The original one. No. Wow. I I just on behalf of everyone that you went to high school with, thank you for not shooting the place. Yep. With insulin. Am I right? Chris, how is your health? When's the last time you've seen a doctor? Last time I saw a doctor, I must have been 12. Amazing. So, I'm assuming it's fine. this rough patch that you're in dating wise. Uh what exactly do you mean? How is it in real life? Is it true? Uh dating like
serious relationships? Uh yes, I don't do that. But when it comes to like women that look like me, yeah, I'm crushing it. Has there been Yeah. Has there been a guy Has there been a guy that invites you to Wendy's and then drives off when he sees you? A guy that invites me to Wendy's and drives off? No, he's not there. I Have you used that joke on stage? women who look like me? Uh, yeah. Like once. Keep that in. Thank you. That's a very good joke. Yeah. Yeah. With that hair and that face and
those tits, it'll work every time. Oh, yeah. It's amazing. Chris, what's the most type of exercise type of thing that you do? The stairway up counts as an answer. The most exercise I do? Yeah. Like, uh, I walk to 7-Eleven. What do you get from 7-Eleven after you put in the hard work of walking there? Taquitos. Yeah. Yeah. And I walk them off going back home. Taquitos. No. No, you don't. No. No, you do not. You're right. I'm lying. I take an Uber back. Amazing. Can I cut your hair off now? No. No. It's kind
of my thing now. You want to give me a haircut during the show? Yeah. I cut some other guy's hair off. Oh, really? You want to donate your to sick kids or are you going to be a bad guy? Do I want to donate my hair to sick kids? Of course not. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to know which ones to stay away from. He is a sick kid. He needs it. He's going to end up getting the Puerto Rican snatch hair. Take it up a gear and circumcise him. Let's do it. You want your little
tequila? I'm saying no. I didn't I didn't understand his accent. I don't have an accent. This is how things sound when they're pronounced properly. Chris, here he goes. You have any special skills or talents or anything like that other than standup comedy? You good at anything? I'm a real I'm really good at coloring books. Wow. I think we all are. Except for Dmadness. [Applause] No. I do. They have like braille coloring, but I guess it would be stupid, right? Cuz you're like, "Which one's red?" I am right. Okay. Thank you. My oddest skill is uh
my oddest skill is I'm really good at guessing like the twist in movies. Ah, yeah. So, just really useless right? What's a movie that really surprised you? What do you think the best twist in movie history is? Best twist in movie history? Yeah. You seem like a big fan of the Oompa Loompas being good guys or something. Oh, were they good guys? Oh. Uh, there's a movie called Severance that has a really good twist. No, none of you guys know it, but it's a really good twist. Watch it. Yeah, it's kind of like the original
thing from the 50s. You're right. Cool. All right. What jokebook did you get last time you were on Chris? Uh, the big one. Well, there you go. Did you fill it up yet? No. There you go. Keep working, Chris. Keep working. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those special moments that you're never going to forget for as long as you live cuz you were at Kil Tony and I'm about to bring to the stage one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. We've dealt with nothing but Latino bucket pools all night
and the neurotic Jew Jack Shaw. But everything is about to change as I bring up the absolute king of Europe, the Estonian assassin. This is our imagin. [Music] So I just found out that in chess, you know chess, in chess they have a separate league for women. Why? In basketball, it makes sense. I'm going to jump over you. In boxing, I get it. I can just But in chess, too, huh? So, you're telling me it's official? You guys are stupid, too, huh? [Laughter] [Applause] Don't worry, honey cheeks. I looked into it. It has nothing to
do with intelligence. just that the rules are a bit different. No difficult buttons, no bishops, no knights. As a matter of fact, women, close your ears for a second, guys. They're just playing checkers. [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] You know, in the late 90s, Gary Kasparov, the greatest chess player of all time, lost to a computer. Big development in civilization history with women. It happened in 1973. You guys lost to a microwave. [Applause] That's my time. Thank you so Maddie. Showing the difference between a regular and a bucket pull and a golden ticket winner. An absolute That's
That's hilarious. The last one was kind of stupid. I don't know why I said that. That's so funny. I stopped at the checker part. I I think you had something there. I would go to trans next. Oh, I would go to trans women in sports. I think you could be a chess champion. You're a wigway. Yes, you're a genius. A wig away. A wig away. A wig away. A wig. A wig. All right. He's got it. Zack Brown's already. I love it. So, Ari, that was an amazing amazing uh amazing minute 12 seconds. What else
is going on in life? It's good to see you back. You've been gone for a while. We have missed you tremendously. Yeah, thank you so much. I mean, I did some gigs. It was amazing. Uh, I did some, uh, I did Philadelphia, Portland, I did Vancouver with you, I did Irvine Improv. Amazing. So much fun. People are actually coming out. It's great. Always one step ahead of ice. Always one step ahead of ice. Don't bring it up, Jimmy. What are your favorite cities that you've been to? What do you love about No, Portland was awesome.
Yeah, I love their homeless, you know. Yeah, they Have like the cool like uh cuz here it's like they're on crack or some you know? We got Yeah. Yeah. Ours are in Portland. They got this guy, you know, this guy zombie. Just so peaceful, dude. They still got fentanyl. Like it's like an interactive Walking Dead experience. But they're so peaceful. I put like an ashtray on one of them. Yeah, they took the jobs of mimes. That's why you don't see mimes anymore. These are still [Laughter] I love it. I love it. And how about Philly?
What was Philly like for you? Philadelphia. Yeah, they're animals there. It's great. Yeah. Half of the room got thrown out there during the show cuz they just keep boozing and cruising. Yep. They are party people there. It was awesome. Yeah. Yeah. A woman tried to fight me after the show. It was great. Ooh. What was she mad about? The check. I didn't even get it. I hit her before I could find out. I'm an old school guy. Smack. You are the man, Ari Maddie. You are the man. You know, you know in Estonia if you
hit your wife, the cops show up and they go, "Well, what did you do?" [Laughter] And how was Los Angeles? You were in LA last week for a long week, dude. I was in I was on the road in California with Martin Phillips, too. got We got hit by a earthquake, dude. Wow. I love I love the road stories of you and Phillips. Him never been in an earthquake. I'm freaking the out. I look over at Martin Phillips. He's standing perfectly still. [Music] [Applause] [Music] He's synced up. Turns out the Martin isn't too shaky. The
world is too still. [Music] The great Ariati. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. And he does the driving when you guys are on the road. Yeah. I don't have a driver's license. It's crazy. When we get pulled over, we have David Jolly sleeping in the back, me on the passenger seat, Martin's Philly, Martin is driving, dude. When the cops pull us over, they don't know what the is going on. They just keep let us going. But Martin is the best to drive with cuz he can park clunk clunk anywhere. We don't give a I love when he's looking for
a parking spot. I'm like, Martin, look at you. Go in the mall. No one's going to say Martin. Yeah. I I was gonna I was looking for a spot. I holy You know the impression's great cuz Deep Madness just started freaking out when you did that. That was amazing. You He's the He's the master judge at vocal impressions that you s you got my ass. Sounds like that Wow. And you got to go to the old motherland, the old homeland of ours, the comedy store, place in which we all are always, we could just roll
right back in there if we wanted to at any point and just take it back over, but we like it here in Austin. Just a reminder. And then here, you are thriving. What was the comedy store like for you going to Oh, yeah. It's so crazy, dude. It's such a historic place. Yeah. And everyone's so nice there. Yeah. You did a lot of shows. You got passed immediately, right? I don't think I'm passed. No, but I do get on stage there and I'm grateful for that, too. They just let you do spots everywhere. They just
haven't called it official yet. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, to be on that wall, that's a dream, but I'll get to it when I get to it, you know. Absolutely. No doubt about it. A lot of immigrants want to make it on that wall. Yeah. And then Cam Patterson on SNL. Hell, that that's crazy. Holy it's happening. Although, so uh you know he's not allowed to say the N word, right? Like they're going to beep the N word. He's going to sound like a truck backing up. You know what I'm saying? No doubt about it. No
doubt about it. Cam's going to be on weekend update and it's just going to It's just going to There it is. 74 seconds too late. Yeah. Not a second too soon. By the way, same soundboard for 12 and 1/2 years. He's just scanning. Oh god, where is it again? There's five pages of sound effects. 23. Number 23. All right. Uh Ari, you're unbelievable. You came in and shook the room. Thank you. Thank you, Kil Tony fans. You guys are the best. Ari Matty. Ladies and gentlemen, the Estonian assassin has done it yet again. And now
back to the bucket we go. Somebody's got to follow that. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Aaron West. Make some noise for Aaron, everyone. The opportunity of a lifetime to Aaron West. Howdy. Howdy. Hey, thanks. You know, maybe it's true what they say. Maybe mimosas do know best. Today, my mimosa said, "You're going out in that jacket. It looks like a giant hairless ball sack." Speaking of ball sacks, do you guys eat at Olive Garden often? Now, folks, the menu at Olive Garden says, "Take a tour of Italy."
Wow. Who knew you could take a tour of Italy without ever leaving Bowmont, Texas? Now folks, it's easy to know if your server at the Olive Garden is into incest when they say things like, "When you're here, right here, your family." Hey, Olive Garden, how the you going to have unlimited soup and then a limited amount of bathroom stalls. Your honor, yes, I might have dropped a canoli in the urinal. Not because I wanted to, but let's just say my tour of Italy took a little detour. You guys, you guys like Chewy's text mix? Well,
guess what? They just got their asses bought out by Olive Garden, which means I'm going to need to freshen up on my Spanish a little bit. Mimigo, come say incest waiter. All right, Aaron West pushing it to the limit with your pants jokes. Hell yeah. Aaron, you've been on this show before, right? I have over at the Vulcan. Yeah. Welcome back. Remind us all how long you've been doing stand up. Yeah, you can take the jacket off. You already did the ball sack, Jim. Yeah, make yourself at home out there. Totally. Totally worth it. I
wore it all day waiting for that. Yeah. Not sitting outside. Keep going. Um, now I've been doing comedy. Um, I haven't for eight years, but this is my third time performing in eight years. Wow. Quite the work ethic for Yeah. Take a lot of time off. Yeah. This is Yeah. Okay. Yeah, Jimmy. I kind of I thought um terrible material. Yes. incredible performance. Yeah. Like your confidence, your thing. Like I don't know what you're good at, but there's something there and it's very special. I could something very special. I couldn't agree more. I mean, it
is unbelievable. You seem like I'm interested in what you have to say. You're saying it in a kind of funny way, but again, the writing absolutely unbelievable. Howdy, Mima. Olive Garden, tour of Italy, in a urinal and whatever the Chewies thing was at the end with no transition or segue. You guys into Chewies text mix, huh? Anyone out of nowhere? But like again, do you do you try to write cuz like Olive Garden Tour of Italy? It's kind of right. It's a thing. Yeah. I don't know. I I guess I just I write what I
know and I I eat a whole lot of Olive Garden. Wow. That's the funniest you said about Olive Garden. That's That's very funny. Yeah. Um, feels I don't know. I think I think you're a comedic actor. I think you've got a face. You've got a look. There's just when you walked out, I felt like, okay, this guy knows what he's doing. I think you're very funny. Thanks. But I think it's like someone else is writing. I think you could bring it to life. I think you really got something. And maybe maybe it's not stand up,
maybe it's sketch, maybe it's something else, but there's something very special about you. I really enjoyed it. Thanks. Yeah, you're great. And I did bring it up last time. I don't know if it but yeah. Uh, no. I'm uh and I'm 4 and a half years sober. So, like doing comedy sober. This is my This is my third time ever doing it sober. Uh, so it is like really shaky. I was back there like holding a water like but as opposed to the other like not to be overly serious about but you seem so confident
walking out. You seem like just you kind of own the stage. You got great presence, but it's that thing of like some people maybe you need to work with some writers. Maybe you need to work with some other people. Cool. Just like there's such a great community around Austin. You're there's such funny people around here. Team up with someone, write with someone. That's a great idea. No doubt about it. Definitely. Whatever it takes to write differently than what you wrote tonight. Okay. Uh what made you have to get sober four years ago? What was your
problem? Uh cocaine and alcohol. Okay. And uh is that is that a good man? He's done it. You and me both. What was the wildest night you ever had on cocaine and alcohol? Uh tell us what bottom was like for you. Well, I um yeah, I I showed up. Well, no. Okay. I called out of work and I wake up at 5:00 p.m. and I I call my work. I'm like, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'd worked there for years. I'd never, you know, had any issue with attendance." And my boss goes, "Yeah, Num
nuts. Uh you already came in today and uh had you clocked in, we would have fired you, but uh you were on the line trying to cook something and so we just told you to get lost." Um yeah. I mean, I was a waiter. Like there's no reason I should have been on the line in the first place. Back there like, "Wow, burger does look good at the Olive Garden." No, I'm just a big fan. One day I'll work my way up if they'll have me. Oh, wait a second. So, you were so up that
you went into work. This is a night shift. Oh, no. No. I I I'm like solely a morning uh restaurant worker. So, it was breakfast. Yeah. Breakfast at the brewery I worked at. And so you exclusively waited tables at this brewery on an almost daily basis. And one day you went in so up. So up. You went and just started cooking random Did they tell you what you were cooking? Do you remember what you were cooking? Do you remember any of it? I don't remember any. I mean, I literally woke up at 5:30 and was
like, "Oh my god, I was supposed to be there 10 10:30." Jimmy car. Well, the genius of of getting home going, "I better phone in sick." And then you'd already been to work. Yeah. Right. It's How is that not your standup? There you go. That's amazing. It's so true. People need to talk about their real lives, what they actually know. The honesty shines through. You can feel it. So, what time of the day did you call in for that shift that they already basically told you to go home for? Like 5:30 p.m. Yeah. Wow. 7
hours into my shift. Yeah. cruising. Amazing. Did you call your drug dealer afterwards and go? That was that was excellent stuff. Yeah. Is there any feedback that you give them and go, "Look, honestly, that's some of the best." No, no. I I Well, I kept I kept partying for a few years and uh I didn't lose that job. I mean, I' I've actually never been fired from a job. Um I've walked out of a job. It was actually on on Sixth Street here. It's kind of Yeah, tell us about that. Um you don't have to
name the place if you don't want to, but just tell us. Mine. I don't really care for them. Um uh Yeah. Okay, I'll I'll it rhymes with it doesn't it doesn't matter for the story. It's the place that makes bread. Okay, perfect. Just tell the story. And um yeah, so I I just didn't enjoy working there. And mid shift, they kept every time it would like start raining, I didn't have this jacket at the time. When it would start raining um they would move me to the patio and when it was nice weather, they would
move me inside. And they kept like doing this to me, so I wasn't making any money. And this is a place where you did side work until it was like done, but we didn't close till 2 a.m. And as restaurants work, like, "Hey, more silverware comes out. More silverware comes out." So, you're like doing all the side work, doing all that And so mid shift, the uh manager was like, "Hey, uh, we're going to change your section." I said, "Yeah, I know. I quit." And she was like, "What is that? I got my section's going
to change because I I quit. Like, I'm done." And, um, yeah, that was it. I just I left midshift. And I've never done that anywhere. feel like I didn't feel great about it, but I was like fresh out of rehab and um didn't want to be around with. Stand your ground. Good on you. I was once dealing with such a bad hangover one evening that I asked you to specifically tell that story. So, I mean, I think I think I actually just hit bottom right now listening to you talk about finishing your side work. I
was so excited to hear about the job that you walked out of. I thought it was Going to be a big ky alcohol infused ending, but just no. You just were done that day. me. Mom, I think what Tonyy's trying to say is you need a story with a dead hooker in it. Uh, yeah. Read the room. Uh, you have a girlfriend, Aaron? I do. Okay. What does she do? Uh, she works at a like homeopathic uh doctor's office. Adorable. Yeah, she's awesome. You have any special moves in the bedroom? Well, I don't get drunk
anymore, so my dick works. Wow. Um, you a morning sex guy or more of a nighttime guy? Mid-after afternoon. Whoa. Okay. Post lunch or rockets in flight. C cup of coffee and then at lunch or whatever. Well, because I get up at I get up at 6:30. I still do the breakfast restaurant thing. So like I'm already ready to go and then I have to wait all day at work talking to these knuckleheads and then I can have sex. Wow. My section changed. Okay. All right. What size joke book did you get last time? I
got a large. Okay. Well, you go go fill it up. Thanks, ladies and gentlemen. Aaron West. All right, buddy. Thanks. On to the next one. As the great Jay-Z once said, make some noise for Mason Bird. Here we go. No rest for the wicked. It's Mason Bird, ladies and gentlemen. It's Mason Bird. I uh I got on a live scooter the other day uh and I drove like two or three feet and the bike stopped. So, I checked the app and it was like, "Hey, just so you know, only one rider per scooter, please. [Applause]
Has anyone uh ever had to press a com button to confirm they were an individual?" I know the exact moment I I needed to stop riding the bike, I drove by a black woman. She was like, "Oh, hell no." She was I uh I went to Europe and I saw the Mona Lisa, like the most famous painting of all time. And when I was there, this Korean couple walked up to me. They're like, "Hey, can you take a photo of us?" And I was like, "Sure." And I thought they want to take a photo like
them and the Mona Lisa, but they want to take a photo with me. They're like, "This guy's so fat, white, and American. We have to show our friends back at home. Dude, I look like World War III propaganda. There's photos of me in North Korea. This is democracy. This is freedom. This is McDonald's. Wow. An amazing set from Mason Bird. Holy That was incredible. Thank you. Thank you. And you've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. Amazing. This had to be your best set ever. Thank you. You're working hard, right? Yes, sir. Working hard.
Absolutely. And remind us, uh, how long you been on standup? Three years. Three years. How do you make money? I work at Jersey Mike's. Oh, yeah. There it is. Megan Mike's way. There it is. I'm big Mike. Uh, I love it. I love it. What else you been doing in life? What's different? What's changed? I've been going to the gym, hitting the sauna. Wow. What are you doing at the gym? Just lifting weights and making attractive women uncomfortable. Oh my goodness. Wow. Yeah. What are you doing to make them uncomfortable? Just existing. Uh yeah, just
the vibe. And what kind of workouts are you doing? What are you doing with these weights? Exactly. I like to bench. I like to squat. I like to deadlift. I like to like to get all the anger out. Uh yeah. Amazing. Yes. I'm not a doctor, but whatever you're doing in the gym, you're doing it wrong. Yes. He's doing breadlifting. What's your favorite machine in the gym? Is it vending? The Gatorades. I like the blue Gatorades. Uh, hell yeah. Absolutely. My goodness. So, what type of protein package are you using before going to the gym
or after? I I'll eat like a half a roast rotisserie chicken. I'll eat like a eat the other half after. It's like a reward. Uh, have you talked to a doctor about this? Uh me at doctors don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. Uh [Music] amazing. Mason, you're killing it. You're doing it. Mason, you done that line on stage? No. Write it down. That's a great line. Tell us more about the bird family. You're not built like a bird at all. Uh no. Um dad died cerosis of the liver, drank himself to
death. Real sad. Um but you know, he was a bit he was kind of a Dick. So, wow. Uh, mom, uh, still alive. Um, she was addicted to drugs for a long time, but she's cleaned up and, uh, what kind of drugs was she addicted to? Uh, pills like, yeah, worked at Ford Motor Company. That happens to all of them, you know. Do you think that this family with its addiction issues, do you think anything has trickled down to you? Do you find yourself addicted to anything at all possibly whatsoever? Is there anything you could
think of that you might be addicted to? A way that you treat your feelings and emotions with something? calories. Uh, yeah, we're addicted to calorie. Uh, no, it's Yeah, it's it's probably this or alcoholism. So, you drink, too? No, I'm afraid to become like my father. There you go. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you don't want to die young. Uh, well, we'll see. I got to beat 50 and the odds are close. And Hell yeah. Have you thought about uh the new modern um weight loss drugs or anything? Have you thought about this? Yeah, I think that's
cheating. Um, like if you have to take Ozmpic to lose weight, you're a I think that's right. If you just do it, you'll do it. You hear that? You OMIC people. If you had any balls, you'd eat a half a rotisserie chicken every day. You You think it's easy, you cheaters. Go get a rotisserie chicken. You loser. Back in my day, we didn't have ompic. If you wanted to lose weight, you had to get AIDS. Have you considered going to a gay bar? Because something needs to change. They're all in prep now. It's kind of
hard to get AIDS from them, you know. I tried. It's just Are you gay, Mason? Nope. Oh, okay. Shut up. Somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head. And someone was so upset that you weren't gay. Son of a I for for sure thought he was gay, too. That guy just stabbed himself with a Heineken bottle. I'm like, "Oh, Mason. So, what's your love life like exactly? What's going on over there?" Well, you you're picking them up at Jersey Mike. Uh, no way. All right. Um, I used to do surprisingly well, but um, the
love life is in Austin has been pretty rough. I do I kill in the Midwest, though, for like Hell yeah. In the Midwest, I'm hot. Yeah. Here, I'm just some fat guy. Yeah. Yeah. In the In the Midwest, you're a medium. Yeah. So, tell us about a fun time in the Midwest that you've had. How does it go down for Mason Bird? Tell us how the bird flies. Um, it's a flight. It's a flightless bird. It's a flight. The last time I had sex, um, I was a I was a I was like a chef
at a bar and, uh, I had I had a knack for banging hot waitresses for some reason. Um, and just after work, she just like she had a boyfriend and she just threw herself at me and I found out I wasn't a good dude that night. Um, I will cheat. I will help your girlfriend cheat on you. Uh, I found that out about myself, but no, she was really fun. Did she go on top or is she still alive? She's dead. Yeah. Our our safe word is Wow. Masonberg. Three years with standup. How much time
do you think you've accumulated? Uh about 20 minutes. About 20 minutes. Yeah. And how fast are you writing? I mean, are you do you find yourself your most recent stuff is definitely better than your past stuff? I can tell. Yeah. I uh I try to write like 5 minutes a week and sometimes it's really ass. Right. 20 minutes of good material. Yeah. Amazing. Mason. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. You do that at a desk. Where do you find yourself writing? How what's your process? Uh desk. Um desk. And I'm usually just like eating chips and thinking. Uh
desk. Uh I have a recliner. I like lean back and stare at the ceiling. Um sturdy recliner. Uh I guess yeah, I just kind of just turn everything off and figure it out. Amazing. Mason. Yeah. I love your style. Thank you. You're incredible. I would love to have you on the Secret Show. Mason Bird is going to be on the Secret Show. How many times have you been on this show? Three. Three times. And you're constantly getting better. It's absolutely incredible. It's amazing, Mason. I really love your style and I think I want to see
more of you. So, I'm going to make you the newest golden ticket winner here. Everyone's getting famous and blowing up. You, my friend. You, my friend, have done it. That's it right there. A golden ticket for Mason Bird, everybody. Big bomb. We'll see your next minute soon, Mason. Congratulations. Wow, how fun. Let's keep this fun train moving along with another very special treat, everybody. I mean, what can I say about this guy? Kill Tony Hall of Famer who, you know, we don't get to see a ton of anymore, but when we do, we do get
to see a ton of him. One of the greatest roasters and comedians in the history of the show. Here for a surprise popping, Kill Tony legend, David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. [Applause] Yeah. Uh, I do a lot of white Uh, I hunt. I fish. Uh, I swim. Uh, I change the batteries in my smoke detector. It's so weird to me that black people never hear those smoke detectors. It's It's like it's soothing to them. You know what I'm saying? I went to one of my friends house the other day and his smoke detector was beeping.
I'm like, "Nigga, you don't hear that shit?" He's like, "Yeah, that mean it's working." I'm like, "What?" I'm like, "No, the is not?" No, but black people, we don't hear that We don't change our smoke detectors, bro. You ever heard the saying, "If you want to hide something from a put it in a book." I didn't make it. I just repeated it. I don't think that's true. I think if you want to hide something from a you should put in a smoke detector because we never check that The cure for diabetes is in the smoke
detector. All right, that's about time. Thank you. yeah. Exactly one minute. Hilarious, bro. That crazy as hell. Uh Jimmy Carter look like the ghost of Tony Hinchcliffe. that's you two weeks decomposed, That look like little hobo, I'm trying to see who got the remote to this face. I'm [Laughter] This look like Elder Matt Refe. All right, go ahead, Jimmy. Your goosebumps looking ass. Oh Sorry. Do you need tea and crumpets? I'm I'm not sure there's anything I could say right now that wouldn't get me cancelled. Jimmy say it. I'm not one of those kind of
black people. I I'm the good guy. Well, you can still say Yeah, you can say it. I'm not I'm not it. I'll take it. funny. Thank you, buddy. You look like you read Dr. Seuss to in prison. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. David Lucas. I got my I don't know what that look like, bro. That look like he host American Idol in Ireland, I think he did. I think he actually did. Jimmy hosts like everything on the other side of the planet. Yeah, he hosts like every show in England. You put on
a TV in England, it's just what show is Jimmy Carr hosting? That need a bag of blood. We got [Laughter] That pale as hell, bro. You need some of that. You need some of that color from Tony, Your ass. You're a You're a remarkably confident man for a for a guy that shape. What are you working on? Type three diabetes. There we go. There we go. I couldn't wait for your tight mouth ass to say something. Every time a talk, I want to shoot a water gun in his mouth. [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] What
are you working on? Type three diabetes. What do you mean? Not the smoke detector. By the way, he did it three times before. You never heard it. It's red band. Hilarious. I'm a little black. I'm becoming white a little bit, bro. Once you see me dressing like Timu Peew we Herman, Oh my god. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We got No, no. We got to shut this down now. You're criticizing what someone's wearing. Yeah. The are you talking about? Goodwill. Jimmy, I'm sorry you dressed like you about to go fight a parking ticket. your ass.
David Lucas, I heard I was parked illegally, but I want to see the queen. David is out of control right now. [Applause] David wore his comfy pants for this. This is so confused cuz they don't got like that over there. Crunch with a queen. I'm I'm driven. I don't park. Oh yeah, I forgot you. I'm I'm trying to be like Don't insult me. Talk me through the hair. Talk me through what's going on there. It's a It's a lot. So, in in black America, these are called dreadlocks. Those are thick. You got on that Queen
Diana wig. Queen Diana. That name. Master of English history. What was that name? I don't remember now. What her name? Trying to remember what that name was. The one who died in a car crash. Oh, Princess Diana. That's her name. Princess Diana. I said Queen. You probably got confused cuz all them look alike cuz y'all inbred. It looks like you're the one that's been in a lot of bread. David going ham tonight. Finishing the other half of Mason Bird's rotisserie chicken. That's crazy. I had to follow the white version of me, That is crazy I
like man. This can swap clothes and be the same person. Yeah, we did. We went from bird to pig real quick. Amazing dude. You look like Steve Urgle in white face. All right. What is going on? Were you molested by a British man before this? What happened to you? No. Jimmy Carr is my homie, bro. Jimmy Car? Not yet. Hey, they give me that Netflix deal, I bend over like Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, you son of a You son of a You ain't bending over for This is a guy that ties his shoes sitting up with
his leg propped up over his other leg. Illuminati didn't have to convince you to you. You was like, "Yes, I don't even know what you just said." It's okay. It's okay. David, you are on fire right now. Absolutely incredible. Yes. How's life going? You good, man? You know, uh, life been amazing, bro. I was on the road with you this weekend, bro. We murdered soldout shows in Raleigh and uh Fort Lauderdale, bro. Uh Tony about to shoot his new hour. That is fantastic. I can't wait for y'all to see it. Yep. It's been really amazing,
dog. And I love it so much. Absolutely. And also, Andrew Santino had an amazing special on Hula, bro. That's right. It's out right now. White noise. I love you. I'll just uh I'll just go myself, shall I? I guess I'll just go myself. This got he got a he got a new 10 can of cookies coming out. [Laughter] [Applause] He's on fire tonight. Sometimes you just got to let him cook. Let him cook. Let him eat. David Lucas. Hell yeah. Catch me on tour, man. You know what I'm saying? David luccom.com. Appreciate. Hell yeah. Jesus
Christ. David Lucas. the regulars tonight showing how different it is having to be one of the people that used to write a minute every single week. You you just have a They have a different confidence. All found out of the bucket. This next person could be one. I mean, anything can happen. We've already given away a golden ticket. Make some noise for Donna Lee, everybody. Donna Lee. [Applause] Hey everybody. Hey, how are we doing? Good. Uh, my name is Donna Lee. I have a very critical Asian mom. My mom is Thai, my dad is Irish,
so I'm Tyrish. Uh, I had to tell my parents one day that I was going through a really gnarly divorce. And so my mom was very critical of my life decisions. She was very upset I was going to be single forever. So one day I'm in the car going to Austin to Houston and my mom called and she said, "Donna, Donna, how come you're alone? You're so very, very alone. I worry for you." And I said, "Why am I alone? Let's unpack that together. I said, 'I'm alone because you and dad prove the inability to
show me love and affection as a child, and you never uttered the words, "I love you." And because of that, I can't meet a man of substance. I can't create lasting connections, and I can't hang on to a relationship for more than a few months at a time because I'm constantly and will always be looking for something that I cannot find. Mom, that's why I'm alone. Damned online. I just asked why you go to Houston alone. Thank you. That's my minute. Thank you. Boom. Exactly. A minute from Donna Lee. You've been on this show once
before, correct? I was a few months ago and I have a lot to talk about. Remind us uh how long you've been on standup. I started doing standup in 2006 and I had my big comeback. I took five years of standup and perfected my hosting abilities. I took 12 years off to raise a family and do a really stressful job. I just came back to comedy May 2024 and I'm so happy to be here right now. This is my dream. This is my dream. Wow. Rock solid answer. Thank you. Uh, Donna, how uh So, you
have one kid that's 13 or is that 23? Oh, okay. We um 12 years off. I I Yeah, I took 12 years off because I felt guilty and I wanted to raise my son and my stepsons and I got a new husband and all this stuff, but I I put them first, but now it's my turn to be first. So, here I am. This is my dream. Wow. This is my comeback story. So, and I was on Secret Show last time and I had so much fun. So, thank you. She brought cupcakes for everybody. That's
how you get booked again by Redband on the spot. Yeah, cupcakes. You want to be a regular here at the secret show? Your name on the fridge. Wow. When I when I was here last time, I didn't know what it meant to be stuck in a washer that you implied. There you go. Absolutely. And I went down the rabbit hole the next day and I wish I hadn't. So, Yep. Now I know what it means to be stuck in a washer thanks to Tony Henchcliffe. That's right. And a lot of 25-year-old boys reached out to
me after that episode. I bet. I bet they did. They did. Absolutely. So, now you're you're with a guy though. You're Yes, I'm married. Yes. Right. Yes. He's awesome. Is he a big supporter of your comedy? Yes, he is. He's very supportive. He's Yeah. What does he do? He's a custom home builder here in Austin. Okay. He's doing good for himself. Yeah. You guys live in Westlake or something like that? Be cave. Close. Oh, yeah. Yep. He builds in West Lake. So, that was good. You're living that life. You have a Mercedes SUV? Uh, a
sedan. I can look right at you and tell you what kind of car you drive. It's a unbelievable talent that I have. What type of Asian is your mom? She's Thai. Okay. Yep. Jimmy Carr. And your your father's Irish, you say? Irish. Tall Irish. Tall Irish. And And she's Thai. She's tiny Thai. Okay. from Thailand. Yes. Right. And and how did your father get into uh sex tourism? Uh the the air force. The air force. Yes. Traditional. Yes. I'm a product of this country. Correct. No. I was born in Thailand and we got here as
fast as we could. Amazing. Amazing. I uh I love Irish Air Force. Is that even a thing? No, it's the American Air Force here. He was a citizen here. Uh, I would like to cover the comments that I got from YouTube thanks to Is that okay? Can you do it in your mom's accent? Yeah, I can. Yeah. Yeah, let's do that. Exactly. Great idea. That's a great idea. Well, cuz that's that stuff takes me home. You know, that's kind of my thing. Yeah. So, I did a lot of posts on my page at donnalecomdyd.com and
I was on Kill Tony episode 722 and I went to YouTube when I was told not to to read the comments and the very first Asian mom. As my Asian mom, the first comment that I saw that made me laugh out loud said, "Oh, Kaitlin Jenna, she look feminine now." Yep. And another one about Caitlyn Jenner said, "Oh, Caitlyn Jenner, I not know she do standup comedy." So, I think it's more funny in American in English, but hell yeah. I was also called the Teimu Lisa Anne. Didn't know who that was. Had to go down
that rabbit hole. Yeah. She's a retired porn star for those of you who don't know. That's where I know you from. Yeah. Yes. That's right. So, do you make money in any way ever? Me saki saki. Oh my god. Redban. Redb. Why would you do that? That is disrespectful. That is not nice. Don't do that. No, don't. Don't. You love No, don't do that. Stop that, Red Band. Stop it. No, don't. No. I'm serious. Look at me. No, don't. Don't do that. And people say Tony can't act. Don't do Wait, who the says that? I'm
a great actor. Stop. No, don't don't do it. That's No, that's a whole different race. Stop. Okay, stop. Serious. All right. Very good. That doesn't make any sense. Is it Do you sucky sucky? No. Um, how do you uh how do you keep this man happy? This guy could uh be with anybody. He has money, right? How do you keep your man happy? We laugh a lot. Oh, you a All right. Has he met your mom? I tried getting stuck in the washer, but I Okay, right there. good. Safe word. safe word. Has he met
your mom? Oh, yeah, of course. Okay. And what does your mom do? She she lives in America, too. She actually passed away a couple of years ago, but in my act, she's still alive because I don't deal with things very well. So, oh no was also now I feel bad. It was a Yoko. Oh no. Oh no. Me not love you long time. It's over. What a doctor told me. Saki saki. All right. How did she pass away? Cancer. Wow. Well, if at first you don't succeed, tie tie again. It's amazing. There it is. There
it is. Unbelievable. We're here for a good time, not for a long time. Unbelievable. What kind of cancer was it? But you Tony. Yes. This is Kill Tony. This is This ain't Jimmy Kimmel over here. Whoa. Whoa. Okay. All right. What kind of cancer was it? It was liver cancer. Liver cancer. Wow. Yeah. Can Was she a drinker? No. Did she saki saki? She did not. That you're getting your Asians confused. That's Japanese. That saki saki joke did not get the love that it deserved after two saki saki references. Saki saki for liver cancer. We
love a good liver cancer joke. I did want the opportunity to thank you though. My life changed after I was on the first time. Yes. Well, it's going to change again. Thank you. It's going to change again. You uh you're you're a funny lady, Donna Lee. It's cool to see someone that uh chasing their dreams. It's a it's a they say this is a young person's game, but I love all different shapes and sizes of people and uh and for you to come back and do what you love because you love to do it. You
love the feeling that you get from it, it's awesome and you deserve it. Congratulations. You got a big joke book last time. I did. Yeah. Congratulations. You know what? I have an 8 minute spot on the secret show if you want to. Somebody wants more coaching. cupcakes. Red B wants more cupcakes. Red B wants more cupcake. Everybody, Red Band wants more cupcakes. Red B wants more cupcakes. Make some noise for Zack Brown hanging out with us back here. One of the best musicians in the world. Go to the sphere. I know I am. You're going
to You might run into us there December or January. We're going to be there. All right. Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name. This looks like a new name. I like it. Make some noise for Ronnie Roarback. Ronnie Roarback. Oh Here we go. Make some noise. Your final bucket pull tonight. Ronnie Roarback. Guys, I am celebrating nine years of my citizenship. I've lived here for 26 years. [Applause] I was adopted by white people. I have a disability. My dad got me off a tax write off. No, honestly, like he was an
because growing up he never taught me Spanish. So that any so anytime I would act out he would be like here he he'd always threaten to send me back to the homeland. And like he goes, "Here they call you Ronnie. Back at home they would call you Jaguar bait." And he would always use past tense so I knew he was serious. And the worst part about it is growing up like I never thought my dad was an Like I never thought my dad was an alcoholic but I knew my dad was an alcoholic because at
the age of four he would make me make his cocktails for him and he would put the shaker in my bad hand and call it exercise. Thank you guys. All right, Ronnie Roarback. Welcome to the show, Ronnie. Thank you. You, my friend. I call I've called a lot of people adorable. I wish I could take them all back just so that I could save it for you. Thank you. What a cutie pie you are. What's wrong with your hand, little buddy? I have cerebal palsy in my left arm. You are You have Let me tell
you, you have one of the best cases of cerebral palsy I've ever seen. You should see what our cerebral pulsey people like. You're like, I just got here. Hey everybody, cutie. What a cutie pie. Cerebral palsy's sweet. I mean, so this is one of the cupcakes that she brought to your place. This kid's unbelievable. Look at his little If you study the hand, he's giving involuntary finger. Oh yeah. About once a minute there's an involuntary Oh yeah. Look at that middle finger. That's a true you in cursive. This guy says you in cursive. It's a
squiggly little middle finger. I I can't imagine what that would feel like in my [Music] Whatever. The night is young. Whenever I'm driving, if I flip you off with my bad hand, you know I mean it. Oh, hell yeah. you. Soulja Boy in this Ronnie, how old are you? I'm 27. You are something else. How long you been doing standup? Uh, about 5 years now. 5 years now. Amazing. All of it here in Austin. Uh, no. I just moved down here about 6 months ago. I started in Detroit. Okay. That's where you're originally from? Born
and raised? Uh, no. I was born in Guatemala and then my parents adopted me and took me to Detroit. Oh my god. You're adopted? Yeah. Holy Look at you. You were adopted by a little white family. Yep. Oh my goodness. That's how you ended up like this. Yep. Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything. You're what? Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything. Oh. Oh yeah. No. Guatemalans love NASCAR shirts. It's incredible. Amazing. So, you're a NASCAR fan? Oh, yeah. What else are you into, Ronnie? Tell us more about you. Uh, for me, like I I'm really
into disc golf because it's a one-handed thing. Yeah. Hell yeah. Absolutely. What else? Tell us more. I grew up playing football, which was like a big expectation for my own doing. Uh-huh. A lot of fumbles. They never let me touch the ball. Oh, perfect. You're a kicker. The only time I would get out is like when we were either murdering our team or getting absolutely murdered. Right. Right. You're not considered being a mascot. Too short. Too short to be a mascot. Yeah, you got to be like 5'4 to be a mascot. Oh my god. You
got to be 5'4. Yeah, I I it up, dude. Clearly, he wanted this. Yeah. Somehow this is sadder than the other lady's mom's cancer diagnosis is finding out that this sweet boy is too short to live his dream as a mass. Oh my god, Ronnie. What else? I want to interview you forever. Uh, another thing about me is that um, it's the cutest guy of all time. There's more things. Tell us. Yes. Tell us everything, Ronnie. I came in third place in a prettiest butthole in competition. Oh my god. Oh my god. Some of you
might not know what goes on in Detroit exactly. Well, prettiest butthole competitions are a thing. Would you like to uh reprise? Yeah. Wait. No, no, no, no. Let's not. Let's not. Let's not. The problem The problem is like for me like I would need someone else to hold my other cheek cuz you can only get half the vision. Andrew Santino and No, we can't pull out his butthole. It's a It's a I'm getting word from the Food and Beverage Administration that Give me pass me the knife. We're going to cut it out and then display
it on a uh uh run. I would do it, dude. You know I was going to do it. Oh, I I believe you. Yeah, I like you. Where was this? Yeah. Where was this uh competition held? It was in Lancing, Michigan. Oh, yeah. Well, what what did number one and two look like? How did they beat you? So, number two, like I don't know if anyone ever seen like but this guy had glitter shoved up his ass. Oh my god. And like he farted at one point and like it shot out. Wow. It was amazing.
All right. Yeah. Here's me thinking Kill Sony is a great show. That's a great show. That is a great show. I'm going to get the number two guy on. Give him a minute next week. Sorry. That was the number two guy who who won. So this lady, she was from Oklahoma and like she had a flower tattooed on her ass. Like the like the center of the flower was the sphincter. Wow. And what was your what was your spin? How did you get third? Well, cuz I so they had an interview section and I told
everyone it was my make a wish. Wow. Wow. Very good. Wow. Very good. Oh my god. Unbelievable. I literally went from eighth to third in five words. [Applause] Wow. Oh, so the butthole might be just frightening and disgusting. Oh, natural. I felt very accomplished. Absolutely. Andrew's going to cut the hair off of it with Zack Brown's knife. Right. Right. Amazing. Ronnie, so you're 27. What do you do for work? How do you make money, Ronnie? Uh, I do Door Dash right now. Unbelievable. I mean, actually, totally believable. I mean, like, I got I kind of
got fired from my last job. I was a pool boy. Or as I like to say, I was going around just like I was going around just like up every middle-aged woman's wet dream to see my Gumpy ass walk in. Okay. Incredible. I know you're many years away from your first Netflix special, but My Gumpy Ass might well be the title. Yeah, I'll definitely put that in the notes. Absolutely. So, it's amazing because you're like an anomaly. You're like so many of the people. We had a pool guy on earlier. We had a Door Dash
guy on earlier. This is We had an Yeah. Amazing, Ronnie. So, do you ever have a crazy Door Dash? Do you have any moments that Yeah, the other day they had me dashing tires. Whoa. I felt that was like racially profiled. I'm like, I don't know how I look, but like you're going to have my ass lift four heavy tires. Amazing. How did you do it? I had a white person help me. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And don't you forget it, Ronnie. Did you Did you tell them it was your make a wish? [Laughter] Wow,
Ronnie, you are incredible. Every disabled Mexican deserves a white person. [Applause] Guatemalan. Sorry, Guatemala. I apologize. You live here now? Yeah, I lived out here. How long have you lived in Austin? Uh, for about 6 months now. What do you love about Austin? Tell us what you're doing for fun out there. Uh, I honestly I love just like seeing people who look like me so I can know which haircuts I can and cannot go with. [Applause] Can I be the first to say no one else looks like you? You're a nonfgeable human. Is that haircut?
Oh, what the Hang on. There's another one in a hat. There's a bunch of them over there. They're everywhere. What is that haircut? Is that like Steve Carell from the office? What are you rocking right now? I don't know. I had a white barber and I like for like the longest time I just walked in. I'm like just do it. Just don't me up. And this is what I've been going with. It looks great. white people. It looks great. Ronnie, what's your love life like? Ronnie, you've been with the girl. Uh, it's really non-existent right
now. I just been focusing on comedy lately. I love that. Have you been with anyone since you moved to Texas? Uh, I actually a stripper. Oh, wow. Jesus. Ronnie. Ronnie. Oh my goodness. You've activated the lights, Ronnie. Tell us about this stripper Jimmy car. That sounds like a hell of a Tuesday morning. Yeah, no doubt about it. So, like what actually happened was that uh I was like I applied for disability and got denied and like I got my tax write off. So, I was like I'm going to the strip club. Okay. Let me real
quick. How much was this tax write off for exactly? I think it was like 1,500. 1,500. Let's blow it right away. Straight to the strip club. Let's go. What did you wear to the strip club? Was it that? I was wearing a Batman shirt. Oh yeah, brother. Oh yeah. It had the abs and everything on. Oh my god, my friend. There isn't. That's right. There isn't a dry seat in the house. Yes, exactly. You and a Batman t-shirt, please. Exactly. And the manager came into the champagne room and he's like, "Where is she?" So, you're
wearing a Batman shirt. You show up to the strip club just that music playing in your head. What's that song that the with the horns that is What are you 5'2? You're lucky you didn't drown in [Applause] No, no, not that one. No, the the one that's uh the pick the the more the was that? Pick up pick up the pieces. What is that? What is that? Pick up the pieces. The You know what the I'm talking about. Ah, forget it. All right. You have cool music playing in your head that YouTube won't let us
reproduce right now. And then what goes on? First stripper you see? Well, yeah. Not the first stripper I saw because like the first one I saw was Hispanic and there was a language barrier there. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Incredible. Don't judge by the color of their skin, but by the language they speak. Exactly. That's what D Madness lives by as well. Go ahead. Cuz if like Cuz like the thing is like I can't speak Spanish, so I can't bargain. You're damn right. And the bargaining is necessary. We need uh I So it was a white woman
and uh like she's like, "Let's go to the champagne room and everything." And like I was like, "Oh, get back there." I'm like, "Oh no, I got to negotiate condom or not." And like she just literally grabbed it and put it right in. Wow. Unbelievable. And that's how he got cerebral pulsy, everybody. Before that, his left arm was totally fine. He was the quarterback of the football team. a left-handed quarterback before that. I like how you weren't going to negotiate condom or not condom. You didn't want her. You were just the price. Yeah. Condom. Yeah.
You you were you so you wanted no condom. I didn't want it. But like I was just like I was not going to just like not negotiate. Try to get a couple bucks off. So what what did you get it down to? Let's talk about the negotiation process. It was like I think 350. You raw dogged a stripper in Detroit for No, this was in Austin. Whoa. Oh my goodness. God bless America. Don't ask. Okay, don't ask. Should I ask which strip club? We all know which one it is. Which strip club was it? Uh,
it was Rick's cabinet. Wait, it was what? Rick's cabinet. So, north of uh 35. Hold on. There's a patch of the room losing their minds. I think they're having an employee outing right now. 3 350 is the Ewok price. What was that? 350 is the Ewok price. You are a little Ewok. Look at you. That's what it is. I've been wondering what you remind me of. You're the We have the Estonian Assassin and the Guatemalan Ewok tonight. This is absolutely incredible. Zack Brown with the call on the field. I was wondering what the you were.
That's what it is. Look at you. We shaved an Ewok and gotten laid. Austin. What a town. It's unbelievable. So 350 and you So you're negotiating, right? You're sitting there and you go, "Yeah, I'm I'd really like to have sex with you like that, right? Is that what you said?" Well, she was the one who initiated it, which made me kind of thrown off a little bit. What did she say exactly? She goes, "I want to you. I need to you. I will dominate you, Batman. Name your prize for the bidding shall be mine and
the chlamydia shall be yours. Your abs have confused me. Batman 350 is a deal. What did she What did she say? No. Uh she was just like she was just I think like she was just down from it from the beginning cuz like whenever I'm like at the strip club like I like having a real conversation. And I'm like, "So, what did you do on Tuesday?" God, you're the cutest human being of all time. Was that So, was this the First and last time at that or this is Yeah, that was the first time I've
ever been there. I haven't been back. I should go back, but But now, after this, I don't think they want me back. No, I think they do. I think you just blew up their business big time. Everybody just found out they can for $350 with a $1,500 tax return. my friend. I do believe that's about four or five Why are we still here? Yeah. Yes. Let's all go. We know where the afterparty is and we're taking the sweet ew walk with us. So again, what exactly does this stripper say? Well, so I was just like
there and she goes, "You want to go to the champagne room?" I'm like, "Uh, all right, but like what are we going to do?" And which kind of shows how like I'm innocent in a way. I was like, "What are we going to do?" And she goes, "I'll make sure it's you're worth your time." I'm like, "All right, let's do this. I'm always down for the game." Okay. So then what happened? This guy goes, "I'm innocent." He was like, "Let's go raw dog." Yes. It's like nothing innocent about you at all. The moment your goes
out, you're like, "I'm putting this inside of you right now." It really is. I'm so Who me? I'm so innocent. It really, really is. I love you, man. You are something else. So again, I make sure it's worth your time, but then again, how do you get to raw dogging? I mean, make sure it's worth your time is what a stripper says when she's about to dance on you with, you know, underwear on for two songs. How do you get to Well, so she goes, we literally walk into the champagne room and she goes, go
sit in that corner and take it out. I'm like, okay, what? What? I'm sorry. Yellow Rose and Red Rose have been sponsoring us for a long time, but let me tell you, that place sucks compared to this one. Go sit in the corner and pull it out. This is the world's greatest trip of all time. It's amazing. What the Risk, what's it called? It was Rick's Cabinet. We have it on Yelp right here. Rick's Cabaret. Rick's Cabaret. Let's read some Yelp reviews. Holy Oh my god. Well, you know what we're going to do cuz it's
tradition here. We're going to start with the onestar reviews. But I I got to tell you, this is the I'm going to go to some fivestar reviews, too. Let's actually start with the fives and then we'll go to the ones that list the STDs that That's a fivestar review right there. Oh, no doubt about it. If they want to sponsor me, I wear a shirt everywhere. Hunter F from Hut, Texas. January 26, 2024. The women are beautiful. The staff is attentive and personable. Can't beat free prime rib on Fridays. Make sure to sit at the
bar with Jackie and Shai. Buy a few shots and they will give you the best recommendations on the dancers. Tell them that Hunter sent you. Wow. Thank you, Hunter. What an amazing Tell Tell them I sent you from Yelp. Strip club. strip club five-star Yelp reviews might be the most insane thing we've ever done on this show by the way. Tell him Hunter sent you. Like what a creep that guy is. That's frightening. Had a blast there. Super professional while also being fun. Got champagne and relaxed with friends. Reggie and Mario made us feel comfortable.
Bought two bottles of whiskey. Wana being way less than I thought it would be. All right. Yeah. Let's go to the one star reviews. We got to get to the good here. We're going to find out exactly. Let's let's let's look uh let's Okay. Here's an interesting thought. All right. Who wouldn't they Oh my goodness. Oh boy. Ooh, black men. Okay, let's read this one. Mark C from Manhattan, New York. Oh boy. A guy from Manhattan rolled into this joint where this guy's just raw dogging. I mean, just bodily fluids being exchanged On every pump
in and out. Just liquids coming out of him. the third most beautiful in Lancing, Michigan. Just fully exposed on the leather. The same leather that people sit on while eating free prime rib on Fridays. And little did they know that the third best lancing was just bouncing off of it with a hand that's throwing up gang signs 24/7. And here we go. Mark C said, "I decided to go to this club on a Saturday night with a group of co-workers and friends. I have to say I was very disappointed. Dude, we are from out of
town, but come to Austin for some conferences. The women here were not attractive and were a mixture of very skinny women to women with poor plastic surgery, ass back acne. Did you notice this girl had any acne? No, I didn't notice that. Beautiful. The lighting is everything, people. Lighting is everything. Yeah, there's not really anything about Oh, okay. We are a racially diverse group. White, black, Indian, and Korean. Other reviews on Google said they ignore black guys. And I have to say it's true. Oh my god. Two of my co-workers received no attention all night.
And guess what? They were black. I noticed it and kind of felt bad, but it is not my establishment. But yeah, definitely. But yeah, definitely noticed black men were being ignored at Rick's. Did you notice black men were being ignored there? Honestly, I wasn't looking at anybody. I was on a mission. Can you imagine being a black guy sitting at a strip club? No one's been dancing for you all night. This guy walks in. 5 minutes later, his pick is out and it's just a girl with no acne at all sitting on it. Oh my
god. Don't eat the food. Terrible. Stay away from this place. I went with my coworker on Friday. I got a few rounds. No issues, man. There's no one else's You are the only one that's ever at this establishment. Keep reading fast. Redban, let's go back to this. So, I got to know how long do you think you lasted? The sex like maybe a minute and a half. Minute and a half. Good job. Good job. Did you leave it in or did you take it out? There's no way. I'm disabled. There's no way. No way. I'm
disabled. Do you really think I'm going to throw her off of me? No. Yeah. Well, you can't. Hold on a second. Stop. No leverage. Stop. Everybody shut the up. You You came inside of the stripper, not on purpose. Oh my god. Oh my god. In 18 years, there's going to be the world's scariest stripper just picking up ones off a stage. it. Oh my god, my friend. That is cerebral ballsy. Have you gone back to see? Have you gone back to see if she's pregnant? Oh, hell no. That's why you're not going back. Yeah, realistically,
yeah. You went to Oh, like honestly like as soon as that came I was like the first thought I had in my head was I'm like this is why I didn't qualify for disability. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Exactly. Jimmy Carr, what do you think? I'm hoping I just hope you do go back. I hope you build a relationship and a life with this woman because one day in the future I want this to be grandma, grandpa, how did you meet? And I want this story to come out. Wow. Unbelievable. He's Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. Very
disappointed for my first time at a strip club with my new husband. I wanted to take him out for his birthday and really wanted to check out a strip club together. One of the toilets was clogged and filled with nasty toilet paper, bloodied and soiled. And the other two Stalls. Yeah. Fredban, this is just like your material. Red man showing me his set list from this Thursday secret show. Okay. So you came inside of her. Do you give her 350 right then? Did you tip anything? Were you like you should maybe did you ask for
change on the 4th00 even though you came inside of her? I used Cash App. Wow. Wow. So you digitally cream pied her bank account. Unbelievable. Like a gentleman. Wow. I got to tell you, it's been a 24 minute long interview with Ronnie Roarbeck, the adopted Guatemalan Ewok with the third most beautiful from Lancing, Michigan. Arrived to Austin, Texas, started cream pineing strippers immediately. Just absolutely incredible. I love you, Ronnie. How much material do you think you have all together standupwise? Uh, I just did a half hour with my friend on the road a couple weeks
ago. You better invite this right now. I would love to have you on the secret show. Bring him a cupcake. You know what? Cheap freaking cupcakes. You bring some cream pies. He's not going to be able to catch catch it. I I'm holding the mic in my bad hand so I actually switch. So, it's fine. I'm going to aim for that. I'm going to aim for that right tit so you can you can cup it right there. You ready? [Applause] Ronnie Roarbeck, ladies and gentlemen. Holy what an episode. Did you guys have fun? This is
the number one show in all of comedy, ladies and gentlemen, brought to you by Talkspace. I'm going to remind you one more time, Zack Brown is at the Sphere December January 2025, 2026. Santino White Noise is out now on Hulu. He's on tour. Andrew Santino.com, of course. Bad friends. Jimmy Carr is on a world tour. Australia, New Zealand, and the entire world. Jimmycar.com. Car with two Rs. And now, you know, even though all of our regulars are always busy, there just happens to be one more comedian left. And there's just one guy that could end
an episode like this. It is the Hall of Famer with the record for all time appearances and interviews on the show. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the Duke of debauchery. He is the big red machine. This is the one and only William Montgomery. Ladies and gentlemen, [Music] [Applause] [Music] I was at the courthouse the other day pulling some land deeds. And you know the property where the Batcave is? It's owned by Wayne Enterprises. Why would Bruce Wayne Wait, does Batman owe Bruce Wayne money? I mean, the dude is saving the
day all day. And does he ever get a tip? Hell no. Dude's probably broke as hell. And you know, the government isn't paying him because the cop street guy keeps trying to shut his ass down. I messed that part up. Thank you. Everybody's talking about how AI is going to take over the world. Uh, yeah, the movie kind of sucked. This is an impression of me sending a text to the wrong group chat. Want to go to Antifa prom with me? People always look at birds and say, "Dang, man. I wish I could fly." But
birds are probably looking down at us and saying, "Dang, man. I wish I could start a conspiracy theory. That's my time. Thank you, T." Notice all the regulars with exactly a minute tonight right on the dot. God, I pros. I really bombed at the beginning. This was a real rough one tonight, but it seemed okay. I guess people love you. You're out here. You've done it more than anybody else. You've Literally done hours and hours and hours on this show. It is incredible. It's also it was kind of a great premise. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.
I know Batman Bruce Wayne thing. That's there's something in there. It didn't go the way you wanted tonight, but there's something great. There's something in there. I agree. Thank you. I agree. Great. William F. And that weirdo guy was talking about Batman. So, I'm thinking, "Oh my god, this is going to be so good." Yeah. I'm thinking there's no way this weird guy is talking about Batman. I know you're not calling my new best friend weird. That is Ronnie Roarbeck. I know. I'm kidding. He seemed nice. He's a sweet boy. Uh, William, how's life been
going? What's going on? Tell us. It's been good. Just got back from Salt Lake City. I was there this weekend. The shows were a lot of fun. And then on Sunday morning when I woke up at 7:00 a.m., I looked out of my window and there was a hotel on the other side of the street and I watched these two people have sex for probably 20 minutes. Wa. They were doing it right by their window. And I couldn't really understand what was happening because it seemed like the girl, I swear to God, at first I'm
like, is this a mannequin? Is she passed out? I couldn't tell cuz he's constantly doing her legs like he was driving her or something. I couldn't even tell what was going on, but I watched it for 20 minutes, Tony. And it was very exciting on my Sunday morning. Did you touch yourself when you were doing this at all? No. You had to think about it there. I didn't this weekend at all, Tony. I wasn't really in the mood. You didn't masturbate at all? Not at all this week. I wasn't in the mood. Yeah, but then
I just wasn't in the mood. Why do you think you weren't in the mood? I don't know, Jimmy. I feel like you're saving it for a Subway. Yeah. What? A Subway sandwich place? Like the bathroom of a Subway? I think on the New York subway, I feel like is the right place for you to be masturbating. I know. That could be a fun place. Maybe. Yeah, the Subway. Or what's another good place? Let's think of another place. Like a McDonald's or something. Maybe McDonald's could be a fun place for me to be jacking off. Where
else could be like a movie theater could maybe be a wonderful place to jack off? You really maybe like the zoo or something, Tony? Wow. Maybe in front of the penguins. Oh no. Too cold, Tony. Not in there. Wo. Somewhere in the zoo, but not with the penguins, though. Oh, my dick's already small, dude. Oh my god. Uh, but where else? Maybe like uh maybe like a gas station. Oh, what gas station? Huh? Sit. Maybe a sitgo or Oh, Bies is roomy. I know Bies. Oh my gosh. How did I not think of Bies? Maybe
I could jack off on Bucky because Bucky walks around the Bies every day from 10 to 12 12:00 p.m. 10:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. Wow. So, if I go between 10 and 12, I'll be able to catch his ass in there. So, maybe that's a good idea. And I could just jack off all on them and have a fun rest of the day. I'm sure. I'm sure the rest of my day after that would be good. So, wow. Jack it off on By's nasty hairy ass. Wow. One of the companies that I've always wanted to
sponsor the show. And I guess I'll never have to chase that dream again. No, Tony, you need to. And then we can get together because we'll be around each other a lot. If he's here like every Monday, I think I'd be able to charm him. So, Oh, okay. Get the sponsor maybe. It appears as though William thinks the Bucky Beaver is a real beaver, a real grown beaver. Jimmy Carr, can I ask about when you were watching this couple uh making love across the street, was there any eye contact at any point? Did you think
they're going to see me watching them? The guy would look a little bit, but I was down. They were up like three stories and then I was also hiding behind the curtain at first. I was sitting on the bed at first and I was like, "Wait, I got to stand up." And then I was standing up and then I was naked. I was naked this entire time. Why were you naked? Just thinking maybe I could help them out. If they see my ass down there, they're going to be like, "Oh my god, this is freaky.
That dude's naked down there watching us." So, I thought maybe I could help. But they did not see me. But it was exciting. It really was. That is incredible. How did it end? Did you Did you notice what how could you tell? I had to get out of there. I had to get my lift cuz I ordered my lift like halfway through but the lift was taking a while so that's I was able to watch them longer but then I had to just leave. Amazing. Why Why Lyft? Why Why is Lift your goto? I always
look at Lift and Uber and whatever's cheaper. That's what I go with. Wow. A very thrifty William Montgomery. Shockingly thrifty. Literally rich. Literally. No, I wouldn't say that, Tony. And I wouldn't also say that there's a bunch of weirdos that watch. a bunch of really nice people, but a bunch of weirdos. People don't need to think I have a bunch of money cuz I don't. So, right. The government takes a lot. I mean, there it's it's not really it's not a So, we don't even need to talk about it. Right. We really totally love it
cuz there's like some strange people that would just love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment. Really worried about what other people think for a guy that just admitted to watching two people from a hotel window butt naked. I mean, I think your priorities are a little out of whack. Well, we live in a weird time. There's a bunch of weirdos out there, Tony. I mean, we're in a strange time. I love that. Weirdos, you say? Yeah, there's weirdos everywhere. And there's So, Sure. Yeah. What else you been doing for
fun, William? Anything else? Just the row machine. I'm at 1,900,000 meters. Wow. So, have you ever thought about jerking off on the row machine? No. Oh, I almost vomited the other day. So, it would not be I wouldn't be in the mood. Right. All right. At all. Is there anything else that you're passionate about? Any new snacks in your life? Some butter fingers, Cody? Yep. Wow. This guy's completely bored out of his mind. Look at this guy's face. What do you have a problem with me tonight? You didn't like the first joke? I messed up
on the first joke. What? But are you one of these weirdos that would love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment? Are you one of these dudes? Is that why you're Looking at me like that, dumbass? You really think we're not going to be able to see your face, dude? You're right there in the light. Yeah, you got caught daydreaming, bro. That guy's going to have a panic attack right now. That is bad. William, nice. Who's that? Who are you with? Your sister. Who's that lady with you? I'm kidding. Is
that your Who is that? That's his girlfriend. Are you ever going to stop? You just got back from Salt Lake City. Are you ever going to stop harassing this guy, William? I don't think I ever William Montgomery. Ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Talkspace. White Noises on Hulu. The great Andrew Santino. Tickets at andrewsino.com. Jimmycar.com for his tickets. And one more time, what a special treat. The great Zack Brown. ladies and gentlemen of the Zack Brown band at the Spear all of December and all of January, ladies and gentlemen. And don't
forget the brand new album, Love and Fear comes out on night one of their Sphere performances Friday, December 5th. Zack Fun Times, thank you my friend. How about one more time for the best stand in the land? The drawing from Ryan Jay emailed us in. It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, D madness. Look at that. That's amazing. D, it's beautiful. I promise. Did you guys have fun tonight? All right, man. Guys, check out Jet Jet Johnson's new podcast. I think Santina, were you on it? Yeah. It's amazing. Go watch Jet Fuel.
Kill Tony Super alumni. Jet ski Johnson has a podcast now. The great Heidi and Valerie Vaughn, the Kill Tony Beauties have a podcast. Uh yeah, check out everything. Thank you to Talkspace and thank you to the live audience. Don't forget New Year's Eve. We're at the Moody Center. So you people finally have a chance at seeing Kill Tony live, but you got to do it on New Year's Eve in a big ass arena. It's going to be crazy. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] The Sunset Strip
Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to Sunset Stripatx.com for tickets. [Music]
