It's no secret that many times when emotional affairs happen in relationships, they happen with a co-worker. We The research on this is very clear. Emotional boundaries are blurred at work, especially today because now a lot of people work from home.
They take their work home. They can talk to their work partner at night when they're home with their family, with their loved one, with their spouse. And because of these blurred bound boundaries, it's very easy to get into the trap where the person you're working with becomes exclusive to you.
And you've even heard of people referring to their work partner as their work spouse or their work boyfriend or their work girlfriend, whatever it is. But I don't take these terms lightly. And the reason I don't is because I work with couples and affairs all the time.
And one of the things that comes to light is if it's an emotional affair, usually it's happened, it started at work. More than not, I think more than half of all the emotional affairs are with co-workers. I do want this video to help you understand how you know you're in one and secondly how to stop it before it ruins your relationship at home, your marriage or ruins you professionally.
Because the thing about emotional affairs is when you're having one with a coworker, other people know about it and other people are watching you, judging you and making assumptions about you. And if you're the person, whether you're the the person at the top having the affair or someone who has just joined the staff, it is going to reflect on your career going forward. So, let's just go through these.
The first way you know that you're headed down a slippery slope, the emotional dependent starts to replace healthy support. Where this person used to be able to be supportive, maybe encouraging, now you need them to. And you're starting to tell them things that about your marriage, about your spouse, about your children, everything that is too personal to share with someone you work with.
like this person is becoming exclusive to you. They're crossing a boundary of being your work, the person you work with, a colleague, a professional now into a very personal friend, confidant. And sometimes rivalry um exists between the work person and your spouse at home.
And this is always a very dangerous area to get into. professional boundaries are quietly fading. What used to be inappropriate at the office, now you do it quite easily and you begin treating this person with a fi familiarity that is not appropriate for a professional.
There's a change to the connection and you can feel it now. This person depends on you. They'll call you in the morning saying things like good morning just to text you good morning or if you go to a doctor's appointment good luck with it.
They know everything about you where you may not have told your spouse things. This work person knows. And because they know, they can even they can even get closer to you because they can say the supportive things that had your spouse known what was really going on, had you really shared with your spouse what was really going on, more than likely they could have stepped up and given you that same support and emotional intimacy that you needed.
Other relationships at work are being affected. Like all of a sudden you'll get an eye. You'll hear people whispering.
You'll see the way they gesture toward you and this other person. So now it's no longer innocent. You're being judged and the person you're having the affair with is being judged as well.
And I'm going to call it an affair even though it may not be at this point. But it's headed in that direction unless you take hold, get aware, and start making changes within yourself. You start feeling guilty, maybe even a little ashamed.
But overall, there's a secrecy because you know what you're doing is wrong on some level. you feel like you can't tell your spouse all the stuff that you and this work partner have talked about or are doing. You know, you might have a meeting, you go to some exhibit together and there's dancing and music and you don't and you see other people and you don't tell you don't reveal that to your spouse.
And the reason you don't is this is becoming another side of your life, a very private side of your life. So in other words, you're protecting this work partner relationship from your family at home. And that is a very clear sign that this is headed now into an emotional affair.
And there may be a power dynamic at play. If you're in the relationship and the person you're in the relationship with is higher in the company or maybe the head of a division in the company, then this adds more of the fuel to keep it going because whether you're at the top, you can dismiss the importance of the other person or if you're the person new that's just coming into the job, you may be flattered that this person that is running the show likes you so much. So, it puts you in a compromising position.
Even though you're getting the perks of this relationship, you may be blinded to what it could do to you and your career long term. So, how do you stop it? Well, first of all, you need to get aware.
You need to be aware. You need to reflect openly, honestly with yourself. Don't judge yourself or the other person, but do be honest.
And that's when you ask yourself, you know, what am I doing? What am I getting from this job besides what is happening at the job? What is this person giving me on an emotional level?
And you need to be honest. Maybe this person is building your self-esteem. Maybe they make they're making you feel all warm inside.
Maybe it's a sexual thing. Maybe it's an attraction. Whatever it is, you need to get aware of it so you can change your behavior and start putting that focus and energy back into your relationship in a healthy way.
That's going to make your marriage better. Next, you need to reenter your boundaries. Your boundaries, you have to prioritize your home life.
If you are having this relationship with a work colleague, your partner surely is feeling it. And what happens when they feel it is they'll withdraw. They'll withdraw with their heart, with their intimacy, with your sex life, which often times people use as an excuse why they keep going into this relationship.
But that's very unfair and one-sided. You are the catalyst for starting all this. And the only way you can stop it is through actions yourself.
When you tell this other person, I have to go home because my child has a game or my wife and I are going out or my husband and I are going out. You start using your spouse's name more. you start telling the other person the reason you're leaving is because of some responsibility to your marriage, your partner or your child.
This is going to set a very clear boundary and you usually don't have to do much more than that. Usually they get the message. Next, talk to somebody neutral.
Maybe a good friend. Hey, listen. I feel like I'm crossing a boundary.
What do you think? they can give you insight or you might want to talk to a therapist and just say, "Listen, I've noticed as I've developed this relationship with this work colleague that there's a lot of things missing in my marriage. " And let that person, that neutral person, help get you back on track, help get your focus back more.
When that we tell you to prioritize your family, that means taking the energy, the time, and the effort you're putting into the work life into your home life. Work comes and goes. And I tell you, if you left tomorrow, someone would fill that job.
But the people who love you most are there at home for you every day. Those are the relationships you need to spend the priority of your time with. And lastly, I think redefine your work colleague relationship.
Sometimes it does mean you have to sit down with them and talk to them and say, "Listen, I, you know, I've overstepped boundaries. I need to get my life back. I need to get back on track with my family.
I'm spending way too much time here at work and I'm putting you out, too. " Make it respectful, but make it firm. You are doing this to prioritize your home life.
When people are responsible and they actually take control of managing their actions, they can end these sorts of relationships. People who destroy themselves and their marriage and their job usually did not stop it. They did not take time to reflect, to have a good look at what they were doing, what they were contributing.
They preferred to blame the other person and eventually they got caught. And if you get caught, then lying and everything else comes to be a major part of what was going on. So end it now so you don't have to lie and and talk to the work person if you need to.
But most of the time that isn't necessary. Once you make the decision to prioritize your home life, they will get it very quickly. If this video is helpful for you, please subscribe.
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