okay school's in session let's get you ready for the big game ready i've been ready i was born ready watch this what's all that jazz that's that's too much energy you're expending all you gotta do is dribble twice and then shoot set shot see that that works dad that's old school two dribbles in the shot doesn't get you on sportscenter no but it makes it on the scoreboard come on let's play a game you you really want to play me in that outfit what's wrong with it dad look at your shirt i could see your
heart beating where'd you get the shorts from katie i'll have you know that buckwheat jackson wore a pair of shorts just like this who's buckwheat jackson huh you don't remember that's old school back in 75 he perfected the otay shot see he was shooting the ball and then the crowd instead of doing the wave they all go like that oh okay dad you don't want none of this so why don't you take your saggy butt cheeks sit down and watch me go to work just play come on just play it up again come on that's
what you want okay let's see what you got buddy oh damn that's one for me zero for you you may want to check your panties because i'm about to take you to the right come on just stop the trash talking let's go play this game that's two for junior zero for huggy boy sure you want to do this play the game i don't i'm telling you just play the game all right you ain't gonna get much that's cheap get the ball low man that's cheap [Music] mom can you help me what's up well i am
going to trinity's party tomorrow and i need some underwear like some panties and some bra okay i'll take you to the mall tomorrow great hey mom when you were young did you ever notice that the guys would always dance with the girls who had the biggest breasts yeah for a while but i found a solution and what's that dance was your girlfriend oh mom that is so gross girls do not dance with girls i dance with my girlfriends that's because your girlfriends are old and gross what is all this talk about body parts are you
worried about something specific no i just don't want to have small breasts for the rest of my life like some freak sorry mom guess what i just be dead oh i gotta tell everybody i know beat him i beat him like a drama oh well congratulations you know your father used to be the bombing back in the day yeah he let me in on all that and buckweed and alfalfa and spanky even told me about showtime but you know what it's junior time now junior junior we're my cheerleaders what is the big deal it was
just one game and and that was luck don't feel bad i don't feel bad over no stupid game it's his attitude i don't like it's acting like a little dog out there showboating and trash talking i'm trying to teach the boy the fundamentals of the game and all he can do is make jokes about my shorts um baby they are a little tight what are you talking about they are they're a little i think he gave you a wedgie sweetie you know what the problem is it's that whole hip-hop mentality you know they they think
they know it all you can't tell them nothing that's why there's no heroes left in the game there's nobody in the nba who you want to see on a box of siri allen iverson good player but you got cornrows in your corn flakes latrell's free well he on the box choking his coach patrick you what about patrick oh yeah try eating your wheaties looking at this you saw the milk add he got milk and i got sick watching him get hurt you know what really good to me is junior trying to insinuate that i lost
a step like i'm getting old i'm just as quick as i was in college michael i think it's time that you acknowledge that a few things have changed since college baby hey dad are you [Music] okay all right enough of that all right gym teacher you know what out on the court you can talk trash but in this house you take out trash that's what i want you to do and then go clean your room what you heard me you know what you're gonna question my authority wash all the windows around the house yeah well
i still beat you old man and you know what i want you to cut the grass with scissors one blade at a time [Music] do you want some breakfast an advil omelet on the side of ben gay i'm so sore i can't even lift my arms up that's because you spent all yesterday playing basketball with junior i used to play all the time i never got so i was a gym rat what happened baby you you're gonna have to face the facts that you're getting a little older life is different now i'm not getting older
i'm all i need to do is some conditioning get back in shape and stay away from you me what did i do keep me in the bed and rob me of my natural manly nitroglycerin do you know what i think hmm i think you are competing with your son that's what i do no no no that has nothing to do with competition it's about respect because there can only be one line in the lair one king of the castle one leader a co-leader in this household yeah well i still say you're a sore loser yeah
well no nitro for you tonight you finish your room yes sir fish washing all the windows around the house yes sir do you messing with me yes sir okay so now i want you to um vacuum up that wood out there you know what dad i'm done no you're done when i say you're done no you're punishing me for beating you and it's not right i'm not gonna do it oh really and where you gonna be staying why are you not doing it what's the new address you can't tell me what to do anymore are
you a man now you got three hairs in your drawers and you think you're tough i'm man enough to beat you one-on-one you better be talking about basketball maybe i am maybe i'm not well why don't you pick which direction you want to talk about to knock you in your little box there will be no fighting in this house that's not how we settle arguments around here now y'all want to work this out work it out on the court cause that's where it started that's where it's going to end fine let the courts decide i
don't care what court basketball court tennis court supreme court never mind we want a decision whatever you want to do no let's make it interesting let's play for something this time you name it all right we'll play for my chores if i win you do them if you win i do them and i don't complain for one year i'm gonna be real quiet around this house it's on well i'll meet you out there oh man see that old man thing ain't working [Music] michael i think oh dead huh missed a spot where god did he
really beat you 15-0 no it was 15 to two and a half ball went in and came out five times that's a half point that is not why i called you i forgot that i had to take katie to tumble top today she's learning how to roll backwards and i didn't want to miss it oh rolling backwards is a very important moment you know what when you're rolling backwards do me a favor don't embarrass your mommy by trying to sniff your own butt okay the reason why i called her is because i also forgot that
i was gonna take claire to the mall she has some shopping to do well i'll take her no mother please no not him can we please find somebody else he always embarrasses me honey there is nobody else michael she has to shop for some bras for what oh the mosquito bites put them in some thimbles or something michael will you be a little sensitive here claire it's gonna be fine katie baby let's go daddy buy me a bra too okay i'll see if they'll sell dental floss in some pistachio nutshell i love you too [Music]
what's the matter it's gonna be great it's gonna be fun daddy the sports barn is right over there bye who needs the sport barn when they got all this equipment look at this they got slingshots hey how about a headband sir eyepatch dad please dang remind me to buy you a sense of humor when we leave all right [Music] this is so weird i just saw you at school today it's like deja vu and it's like it already happened i know it's weird totally weird so um who are you guys here with we came together
who are you at girl i am by myself [Music] and the color of snow is white white who's doing laundry oh dad's washing my gym clothes really in that case can you get him to hand wash my nylon hey benson i got a stack of nylons for you next yes sir mr junior sir claire we want to see you right now yeah all three of you okay so what's the problem i see two big problems um what is going on underneath the shirt oh mom it's called the bosom buddy dad said i could just knock
myself out i said knock yourself out and not install airbags oh that is tiffany's mom i gotta go i thought they were honking hey hey hey you can go but the wonder twins are staying right here mom uh don't mom me i agree with your father claire that is way too much fine hey i can't go happy now i want you to put your breasts on my dresser katie clean up your toys oh don't worry about it belvedere do it any upstairs you know what i've taken enough from you already hey i beat you fast
square i'm living up to my end of the deal you live up to yours i want to propose a new deal i tell you what we play one more game and if you win i'll increase your allowance i'll extend your curfew for one hour and i'll even clean up your room for a whole year whoa all right but if you lose hey whatever it is i'll do it because i'm not going to lose to you let's go no no no i want some practice time i want to go out there and work on my game
get back in shape you just give me two days i gave you three in the meantime i'm going to relax and visualize how i'm going to spend all that extra money [Applause] [Music] hmm wow you know if you hold these up to your ear you can hear the entire cast of baywatch what's wrong with you what are you thinking buying this thing all i know is if you want to be popular nowadays you just gotta have something going on up top yeah up top daddy come on everywhere you look all you see are women with
perfect bodies tv movies magazines billboards everywhere yeah well i don't care about any of them they're just selling products to insecure people so the sooner you get comfortable living in your own skin the happier you're going to be and the happier you are the happier i'm going to be you know it broke my heart when you dissed me in front of your friend today daddy it's not like i don't want to be with you i do just not all the time like prawn shopping daddy i'm growing up yes you are i understand that but you
need to understand this you're always going to be my little girl when you were born i caught you you know you looked up at me and you smiled and i told myself this is my job for the rest of my life every time this little girl's about to fall i'm going to catch her and make her smile can i take you shopping for panties i'm kidding [Music] 13 14 sixteen seventeen one two hey what is that i can only count to seventeen okay well we're done what are you guys doing help your daddy get some
muscles that's right i want you to go put your winter coat on usually as a heavy bag next oh when are you coming to bed but make the shot coming to bed watch this baby with the eyes closed like jordan all right i'll be in bed in an hour [Music] adam how many is that ginger huh yeah 14. yes and how many you got ginger 13. and how many i need to win one more point that's right that's right not only is this a basketball court but it's a math lesson now in the words of
magic johnson i'm about to take you downtown i'ma do it and show you the turnaround skyhook that kareem abbado do but the ball had profess well he made it famous back in 1994 the trick to this shot son is you want to ride your opponent down to the brim like this with your butt muscles then what you want to do is you want to fade right and you want to go left and back [Applause] that's show time it's magic come on play one more game nah that's it i'm gonna take this victory hey hey hey
hey you come back here what's that don't be a sore loser this is your fault you didn't take me serious i worked hard this is a game of fundamentals not flash you look at all the great ones michael jordan first one in the gym last one to leave the gym larry bird used to shoot a hundred three pointers in one night just to get ready what about shaq he can't even make a free throw well when you're tall enough to dunk without jumping you don't have to make free throws either but you got to respect
the game son you're a good player and you have potential to be a great player but that's up to you all right i lost the bet fair and square what do i have to do hmm what do you have to do it's going to be all 10 hey junior come on hurry up you're going to be late for your game there he is look at this stupid stuff well you got your mother's leg you already have to wear this yes that was the deal a deal's a deal but have my butts hanging out no that's
why they call it show time hey baby you see our son out there in the tight little shorts he scored a triple-double he had 22 points 11 assists and 10 numbers from some guys in the glee club so how do you feel i don't know baby i think you're right i'm getting older and you know it's funny because in my mind i feel like i'm michael jordan and i could float above the rim but when i try to do it i'm michael bolton and i can't even get off the ground i let my ego get
in the way i feel stupid you know i'm trying to compete against my own son that's just not a fight i'm gonna win time is on his side hey michael do you have any energy left for what and a nicole j hello so what do you think of my look well the truth is i love you just the way you are oh baby you want me to take these off mm-hmm as soon as we're finished [Music] you
