The Single Greatest Predictor of Divorce is...

if you had to guess what the single greatest predictor of divorce was what would you think I imagine you would say it has to do something with fighting right that would have been my guess as well but we would have only been half right Dr Sue Johnson says in her book hold me tight quote when marriages fail it is not increasing conflict that is the cause it is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness the demise of the marriage begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions the conflict comes later end quote now Dr John gotman

on the other hand says the single greatest predictor of divorce is the presence of contempt within the relationship contempt is like criticism on steroids it's not simply complaining about your partner's Behavior it's invalidating or dismissing them from a place of superiority or even disgust it's looking down your nose at them it's thinking you're better than them it's calling them names or insulting them acting like they don't even deserve to be heard or that you don't even have to elaborate it's just this insulting tone yeah of course you didn't think about that why would you it's

insulting their intelligence it's rolling your eyes it's mocking them with laughter only you would figure out a way to make such a big deal about nothing now the interesting thing contempt might be the best predictor but you know as well as I do there are other predictors of divorce even gotman found that couples who stayed together and were happy they turned towards each other's bids for connection and affection over 80% of the time that means they were paying attention remember Dr Sue Johnson said it's it's those responsive intimate interactions that make all the difference this

is Gman echoing that being present being engaged and paying attention when your partner wants to share something with you turning towards them is putting your phone away and giving them your full attention and being present and responding with curiosity or interest turning away is continuing to look at your phone or saying why are you bothering me with this right now in the study Dr Gman found that marriages that stayed together and were satisfying they turned towards each other 86% of the time the couples that got divorced only 33% now I understand that might have been

one or both Partners I would agree with you that once one partner has an attitude of contempt or once they start neglecting you of course it's normal for the other person to pull away and stop turning towards their partner as well but the fact Still Remains the relationship is dying the point I'm trying to make is this in our relationships there are countless moments throughout the day where our partner is either subconsciously or consciously reaching for us giving us the opportunity to move towards them and reassure them with our energy and presence that they matter

to us that we love them that they can rely on us the trick for me was I needed to start paying more attention to those moments and being intentional about making deposits into my partner's love tank with attention and affection and admiration and if you don't have a lot of time together it's even more important that you are intentional about creating those responsive intimate inter interactions by simply asking your partner hey tell me about your day is there anything on your heart is there any way I can support you is there anything I can do

this week to help you feel valued and prioritized and then listen Asking those questions only takes a few minutes but what you're actually doing is making massive deposits into their emotional bank accounts and reminding them I'm here for you you can count on me your feelings and needs matter to me I'm a safe place for you and there isn't a healthy person out there that doesn't want to hear or feel that from your partner now before you panic while you're listening to this I just need to remind you I've been contemptuous towards my wife numerous

times in the 11 years of our marriage and vice versa and we're still married because it's not simply the presence of occasional contempt that Dooms your relationship because the truth is we can all get triggered and we can all get caught in these fights where we lose our cool and we end up calling each other names or mocking them or treating them disrespectfully what makes all the difference and is another factor that predicts your eventual divorce isn't whether or not you occasionally disrespect or hurt each other it's whether you can take accountability and repair that

hurt even if it was unintentional accountability is admitting that what you did was wrong or hurtful and expressing remorse with a plan for how you're going to change that behavior in the future repair sounds like I'm so sorry can we talk about how my words and actions impacted you repair requires us to validate their hurt or frustration or pain and you can't validate someone's experience or feelings without first being curious enough to understand them the truth is you will simply not feel close or connected to someone who refuses to take accountability or repair the inevitable

moments of disconnection or hurt within the relationship so if you've been contemptuous towards your partner this is your warning this is your wakeup call go and work on healing that right now even if you feel like they are worse and I don't need to apologize for calling them names because they've done so much worse to me no that's not the type of person that you want to be you want to be someone with Integrity you do the right thing even when you don't necessarily have to and the right thing to do is apologize and take

accountability and work towards repair by asking them to share how your words and actions have impacted them and the relationship because once contempt is in the relationship that's a sign that it is dying there is no benefit playing the who's worse than who the truth is you both probably need to change you both need to work towards taking accountability and repairing any hurt that's the only path towards safety and intimacy together and if you feel like well I'm only being contemptuous towards someone because of how much they take advantage of me and hurt me so

you're essentially just fighting back this is me telling you in a loving way that is not a healthy safe relationship that's a sign that you might be in abusive or at least a toxic Dynamic where you're angry and understandably so but you know as well as I do that the solution isn't to stoop to their level and fight back like they do the solution is advocating for your needs and setting boundaries around toxic behavior and distancing yourself from unsafe people who have no interest in treating you with respect or kindness I'm not saying that's easy

but we can both agree that it's necessary if you ever want the relationship that you deserve because there's no room for dominance or contempt in relationships you are not better than anyone else and even if you think you are then why are you in this relationship to control them to manipulate them to belittle them to feel better about yourself by putting them down that's unacceptable and sad that's simply a sign of your own trauma that's your own pain and hurt from the past being projected onto them in the present because you don't know how to

manage it inside of yourself because the truth is you're no better than them they are your equal and they deserve the same kindness and respect that you believe you do and the truth is you're just scared but your fear is going to keep you alone your whole life because you're going to ruin every every single relationship that you ever have with your parents or Partners or children if you don't get the help for why you treat others with disrespect or contempt because anyone who has experienced repeated contempt from a partner or parent knows exactly how

corrosive that is to their relationship overall you can't feel safe with that person you don't feel valued or prioritized you don't feel comfortable being vulnerable because you know you're just going to be punished or dismissed or mocked the solution for contempt is healing from your own trauma learn about your shame learn about your fear learn about why you feel the need to defend yourself instead of listening to someone else as pain learn about why you hear everything as an attack learn about the warning signs that you're becoming flooded or triggered during a discussion this is

for both of you becoming flooded and screaming at each other that's when we end up calling each other names that's when we are our most aggressive or hostile and that's a massive predictor for divorce in the future and let me tell you it's hard to develop that level of self-awareness it's hard to take a break during conflict and admit hey maybe I am getting a bit too heated and we need to take a break nobody wants to be told that they need to calm down or feel like they're out of control we all think we're

in control during a fight but if you're yelling if your blood is boiling if you can feel your heart beating out of your chest if you're interrupting them and talking over each other you're no longer in control and this isn't a safe conversation anymore and sometimes you're going to say and do things that you can never take back and have a m massive impact on the relationship so it makes sense that contempt is one of the top predictors of divorce now emotional responsiveness on the other hand is the complete opposite contempt is turning against your

partner it's moving away from them emotional responsiveness is moving towards them it's about building safety and trust and honesty and vulnerability through repeated responsive intimate interactions because it's not the conflict that inevitably breaks us up conflict is actually a perfectly normal part of every healthy relationship even the relationships that seemingly have no conflict often times have one partner who has suppressed all their feelings and bends over backwards in an effort to keep the peace and if they were honest about how they feel they actually feel completely resentful and miserable and disconnected on the inside even

though they're quiet on the outside so no conflict isn't the goal but fighting all the time can't be the goal either and the research is even clear when the ratio of positive to negative interactions with your partner gets too skewed to the negative trust and closeness and passion all erode over time and that's another predictor of divorce so then what's the solution the solution is learning how to build a culture within your relationship of affection and emotional connection and intimate interactions before the conflict even starts those moments of turning towards each other and giving them

your attention those moments of intentionally making deposits into each other's emotional bank accounts that's what has the biggest impact on how we inevitably manage conflict together and how quickly were able to repair and reconnect the fighting was just the tip of the iceberg the real issue was that connection and affection and responsiveness had dried up now the reason we think fighting has so much to do with divorce is because it can the stakes are so much higher when we fight when we fight together we don't realize it but that's probably the largest opportunity to either

build trust and safety or destroy it so how do we destroy it through criticism and contempt and blame and passive aggress aggressiveness and silent treatments and through defensiveness and dismissing their feelings or hurts invalidating their concerns escalating the discussion into a fight because we get triggered after all the research the key to whether your relationship succeeds or fails is not that you fight it's how you fight and whether you can both figure out a way to navigate conflict with safety trust and respect because I don't know about you but it can be really hard to

be vulnerable it's really hard to open up and talk to someone else about your needs and feelings or hurts and if you've been dismissed or invalidated that causes a wound in their relationship that impacts everything especially our conflicts and before you say it I already know what you're thinking none of this is going to work with a narcissist Jimmy and you're absolutely right none of this works with a narcissist because they aren't interested in a healthy mutually respectful relationship they aren't interested in equality or reciprocation or mutually serving each other they aren't interested in taking

any accountability if they hurt you right and so we shouldn't make it our goal to try to find things that work with someone who has no interest in a healthy relationship it's not your job to try to convince someone that they shouldn't hurt you with their words or actions the right person won't need you to walk on eggshells in order for you not to be mistreated a narcissist isn't capable of emotional responsiveness now sure they can fake a lot of things in the beginning but they don't fake accountability they don't say I'm sorry that was

wrong tell me how my words and actions affected you they don't fake validation which means seeking to understand how someone is feeling and helping them feel seen heard and understood reassuring them that what they're experiencing matters to you they don't fake learning about relationship Dynamics together you're not going to see a narcissist who actually wants to be vulnerable about their insecurities or fears or avoidant Tendencies or who has a desire to learn about how to resolve conflict better they aren't going to watch that video or read that book about relationship advice because they already know

everything now what a narcissist is capable of is contempt the guilt tripping the entitlement the dismissing your feelings as irrational or calling you names or belittling you they've got that down pat but we have to remember if we're in a relationship with someone who is contemptuous and has no interest in emotional connection then you might stay together but you're not actually in a partnership together the only reason this is still working is because you've stayed quiet you've suppressed your needs wants and desires because you knew they weren't a safe place for you but you won't

stay quiet forever you won't allow yourself to be mistreated forever one day you're going to realize this relationship already died because it only had one person who was interested in keeping it alive and when you finally speak up or set those healthy boundaries or try to go to counseling they will just eventually leave or call you too needy and emotional but just know that had nothing to do with you and them leaving is actually the best gift because now you can find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved so if I

was speaking to two people who actually wanted to protect their relationship and they wanted to know how can we practice emotional responsiveness I would say learn how to turn towards your partner in moments of stress or conflict and seek to understand and hold space for their experience because here's what I know what does every single person want when they are upset or frustrated or hurt they want to feel seen heard and understood by those they love it's that simple every single person wants to feel valued enough to be listened to when they have a concern

or issue right so let's make that our Focus emotional responsiveness says I want to hear you you're worth being understood your pain matters to me your needs matter to me and your feelings matter to me I want you to feel safe to be honest and even if what you're going to say causes me some discomfort I trust that you'll do it with respect and kindness and I value you and our relationship enough to navigate all this as genuine feedback so let's go over how to do that it starts by acknowledging that it's okay for our

partner to need things to feel close and connected to us and we're not talking about controlling anyone like I need to see your phone and go through your messages every single day to feel secure about this relationship no there are appropriate needs and inappropriate needs and I understand that those can be confusing I'll have to do a separate video about that I'm talking about core needs like I need a partner who I can talk to about my inner world who doesn't dismiss or mock me that's a legitimate need I'm talking about in order for me

to feel close and connected to you I need consistency I need mutual respect I need equality time together I need honesty I need us to be able to have those responses mons of intimate interactions because that's what helps me feel seen and safe and close it's okay for us to admit that we have needs because think about the opposite would you feel close to someone who is dishonest and disrespectful and unreliable would you feel close to someone who yelled at you or dismissed you every time you had a concern me neither and a lot of

men I talk to say yeah but I'm just not needy like her okay I mean that doesn't really matter if you want to be in a relationship with her then let stop trying to change her into you the fact that she's more in touch with her feelings and needs isn't a flaw that you need to fix if this relationship isn't working for you then do something about it set up a time with a counselor or tell her hey I don't want this to be an issue that divides us this relationship is very important to me

let's get some professional help to navigate this or you can go your separate ways if that's the best fit for you what's not an option is simply just telling her she's too needy or she just needs to stop bringing it up because her feelings are irrational that's not a recipe for Success at the end of the day there has to be some level of safety in your relationship when it comes to your partner being allowed to be upset about something if they have a concern you unintentionally hurt them if they have a fear or an

insecurity or a need they have to be able to bring that up to you and trust that you will be there for them if they can't trust you then this relationship has no Foundation okay so then how can we create this safety between us where we can be honest with each other about feelings or concerns or needs first we need to remember the ratio because I'm not encouraging that your partner just blasts you with negativity and complaints all the time that's not safety or honesty either the ratio of positive interactions hugs Smiles compliments sweet gestures

acts of service listening to each other matching their energy being responsive and attentive all those wonderful kind things still need to be at a 15 to1 ratio to any negative interaction now I'm not saying that complaining is a negative interaction per se I encourage and invite my wife to bring me her complaints and frustrations or hurts because I understand that when done correctly conflict is actually an opportunity to grow closer and deepen your trust and intimacy together because our bond strengthens when she's vulnerable and I move towards her I'm just saying let's pay attention to

our ratio because if it's only five positives to every one complaint then we aren't appropriately filling Each Other's Love tanks and our conflicts never go as well when we haven't been prioritizing each other so yes let's fix our ratio but let's also encourage our partner to bring up their feelings or issues with discernment of course because we know deep down we want to know if they're hurt right we love them if something's on their heart we should want to know so let's make this really simple Yes I want you to bring up what's on your

heart but the way we do that is still vital to this process we don't let it Fester we don't bury those feelings just because that leads to resentment and bitterness doesn't it we don't suppress because then it comes out in passive aggressiveness I guess it's always my job to do this so it needs to be our goal to embrace our feelings and needs there are appropriate times when you need to bring those up to your partner now some people do it at like a designated check-in like once a week other times it's important enough that

we need to bring it up right now if they're in a place where they can receive that if they're not in a place where they can receive that then they need to initiate hey this is when we can have this talk and when we have that talk as the person who's initiating we need to make sure that we're emotionally regulated it's okay to be angry and frustrated it's not okay to lead with criticism you're so lazy how can you be so selfish it's not okay to lead with contempt how could you possibly be so stupid

it's not okay to lead with passive aggressiveness or blame you make me so angry I feel like you don't even care it's not okay to lead with accusations you always do this you never do that did anyone catch what was missing in all of those statements or phrases any actual vulnerability or mention of feelings here's the problem with conflict we're always on the hunt to play find the bad guy the only problem is there's not usually a bad guy and even if there was you're not going to convince someone else that they are the bad

guy with criticism or blame their immediate response will always be defensiveness I'm not the bad guy which understandably leaves you feeling unheard and alone so you raise the bar you raise the stakes and get even more aggressive and prove yes you are the bad guy all I'm saying is what if there isn't a bad guy or gal what if we simply made it our goal to communicate information hey can I share something that's on my heart when this happened or when we talked earlier I felt blank dismissed overwhelmed abandoned hurt sad afraid and this is

the story I'm telling myself but I don't want to jump to conclusions I'm just feeling hurt and would love some reassurance here's what's crazy you're actually trying to communicate the same thing when you say you never do the dishes all you think about is yourself it's usually the same thing as I'm scared that you don't care about me I watched you walk past me every night this week when I'm doing the dishes after cooking for the family and the story I tell myself is that you don't care about me you don't see my time as

valuable you don't want to help me and I wonder if you don't care about me anymore then is our relationship even safe one of those was vulnerable and mentioned feelings without blaming the other person the other is too scared to be vulnerable and I'm not saying that you don't have good reason not to be vulnerable because you've been hurt so bad in the past I'm simply saying if it was your goal for your partner to actually hear you and understand your pain or change or behavior leading with criticism or accusations or blame is the fastest

way to sabotage that goal so let's recap use discernment when bringing up your complaints or feelings or hurts but that doesn't mean bury them bring them up after you've processed them and you've made sense of them what's underneath the actual complaint is there a fear or a sadness and what do I need going forward to feel more valued you can be kind and respectful in all this but also be direct hey when you did this or said this this is how it impacted me then name a feeling don't say I feel like you don't care

that's not a feeling make it a goal to just relay information without blame or criticism or passive aggressiveness the reason we attack them or blame them is because we're scared we won't be met where we are we won't be held we won't be seen we won't be heard or understood and you have good reason for that fear but fear doesn't lead to intimacy so something has to change let's get out of the habit of repeating ourselves over and over and bringing things up from a year ago and getting off topic we don't need to vent

for an hour about the same thing that's just going to overwhelm them anyways and I know what you're going to say yeah but Jimmy it doesn't matter how I bring it up they're not going to respond in a loving way they're just going to shut down or counter blame or dismiss me here's what I'll say to that if it doesn't matter how you bring it up then bring it up with kindness and respect and vulnerability if it doesn't matter then why aren't you choosing the most kind and respectful way it's because sometimes when you get

loud enough when you complain enough they finally respond and they might even change their behavior for a few days or it's because your relationship is so void of actual connection and closeness that when you fight and make up when you have these big swings of emotion that's actually the closest thing you have to connection and love together so if I took that away you wouldn't have anything left I can understand how hard that is but at the same time you have to see that you're stuck in a dangerous cycle you've conditioned yourself to tolerate certain

behaviors that shouldn't be present in your relationship you shouldn't have to yell to be heard and you shouldn't be yelling at your partner either that's not love you shouldn't be criticizing them you shouldn't have to escalate in order to feel understood and if you can't talk to your partner with vulnerability and respect and kindness and trust that they will respond to you with those same things then this isn't a healthy or safe relationship which means you need to be talking to someone about that remember we can't control their reactions we can't boundary someone into loving

us and we can't say the right words and that will guarantee they will respond lovingly it just doesn't work that way relationships only work when both people are doing the work you know that and the work is both Partners feeling free to bring up things that are on their heart and trust that the other person will respond lovingly without that core principle your relationship will always Decay over time because there's no honesty or safety which means there's no connection or intimacy either okay so let's say someone did bring up their feelings or hurts in a

vulnerable way like we described earlier for the few people who are actually listening to this rambling video still the way we practice emotional responsiveness is by first communicating thank you for bringing this up I care about what you're going through remember this is an opportunity to deepen our connection and strengthen our bond together they did their part by asking us if this was a good time to share something on their heart and then they were actually vulnerable now it's our job to show this person who we love that we value their experience the way we

do that is by actually taking an interest in listening to them consider yourself a detective you're not looking for ways that they're judging or attacking you you're not looking for holes in their story so you can dismantle it remember they're not the bad guy here you're not the bad guy either you're just looking to understand what happened that led to them feeling disconnected or overwhelmed or hurt and the only way we understand things is by being curious enough to ask questions nothing feels more loving to your partner than when they have the courage to share

their inner world with you and you show them that you care enough to actually explore it you hold space for what are going through or feeling now understandably that takes some practice but it's possible you can stay grounded and present and even if you feel like you're being blamed or unfairly attacked you can choose to give them the floor and focus on what they are feeling not just the facts of this case so what are they feeling if they've already named it then great ask them what events led to them feeling that way stay with

them be present nod with them match their energy if they say something sad say yeah I can imagine that' be so hard that makes sense that's validating their experience as real that's emotionally responding to them this isn't a trick we're not just saying these words just to say them we're trying to feel it with them that's called empathy and if you want my opinion on why people divorce or break up it's because one or both Partners refused to practice empathy without empathy the entire relationship crumbles so we listen and then we ask questions and then

we validate some of my favorite validating phrases are I can see how you felt that way thank you for sharing this with me or tell me how that impacted you or when we reflect back what we heard so it sounds like when this happened you felt abandoned is that right these are all validating even if you don't agree with everything they said you're choosing to honor their experience as real and explore it this happened they're feeling this and this is what they hoped would happen instead or this is what they need to feel reconnected you

can learn all that information but when we instead interrupt and dismiss what they're saying as irrational when we tell them that they're making too big a deal about nothing and their feelings aren't our problem we are only pushing them farther away and they will feel even more alone and hurt than before we started and I know what some of you are thinking why should I have to validate feelings that might not be based in reality I mean what if I'm right what if she got her facts wrong what if she's feeling something that she doesn't

actually need to feel and I'm actually helping her by telling her hey that's not what happened you got your facts wrong or this narrative that you've told yourself which led to the feelings is wrong there you shouldn't feel that way here's what I'll say one just because she's feeling something doesn't make it fact you're right she should also believe that I'm all for challenging our feelings and narratives that's why we should say something like this is the meaning I'm giving this but I don't want to make assumptions so I'm all for challenging our own feelings

but it's not your job to challenge them for her it never leads to someone feeling seen or heard it only leads to them feeling abandoned and dismissed the best way to help someone challenge their experience is by first acknowledging and exploring that what they are experiencing is real to them they are feeling jealous or scared or angry you cannot make those feelings go away by telling them they shouldn't feel that way but you can help dissipate those feelings by validating them and showing your partner you value them enough to explore those feelings together and if

your partner does that for you you should be open to hearing their side of things as well eventually but before we do that we can't forget one crucial step and that's that we need to take accountability for the hurt we unintentionally cause you should both be experts at apologizing to each other by now because if I know one thing for certain it's that in most relationships we hurt each other far more than we realize and just because your partner isn't bringing things up doesn't mean they aren't hurt so be sure to check in with them

and remind them you want them to be honest you care about what they're feeling they don't have to keep it all in it's important to talk about this stuff now when it comes to apologizing I'm not saying you need to apologize for things you didn't do I'm saying apologize for what you know you could have done better in that situation say the words I'm sorry not I'm sorry you feel that way I'm sorry I hurt you I can see how when this happened it led to you feeling this and I care about how my words

and actions affect you let's brainstorm together on how I can repair this in a way where you feel reconnected and reassured now if you can both get to this place from here like I said I have no issue with the original person who brought up the complaint or hurt or feeling who hopefully feels heard and understood at this point to say something like thank you so much for listening to me I want to hear your side of the story too I don't want to just jump to conclusions or believe everything that my thoughts are telling

me tell me what you actually meant when you said this or tell me what your intention was when you did that now you don't have to do this in this moment but a lot of couples can handle this once they learn how to have these safe discussions in a more calm and respectful way because you know as well as I do that so many of our big conflicts start by simple misunderstandings the other person most likely had no Mal content that doesn't mean the hurt still isn't real that's why I want them to explore and

validate it but the fact Still Remains that person B would love to have the chance to give their side of the story sometimes just to clear things up but that doesn't mean invalidating the original person's experience you can share your side of things while still acknowledging that you unintentionally hurt them that would sound something like I can see how when I didn't text you that I'd be home late you got scared and angry because this wasn't the first time that I forgot that makes sense and I certainly didn't intend to hurt you my phone died

and I forgot my charger today and I didn't notice until I got in the car I wouldn't have wanted you to think that I was intentionally ignoring you and I'm still sorry I'm going to do a better job at giving you a heads up next time the point I'm trying to make is this give each other Grace here let's lead with the most generous assumption and then go from there give each other space to speak take turns the person who brought up the issue needs to be prioritized at first give them the floor and play

detective but if you're comfortable the roles can reverse once that initial person feels heard and understood and then we can switch to the other person if we need to and now the roles of listening and exploring and validating need to be switched but what I'm not encouraging is how some people only bring up feelings when the other person does so person a will bring up a complaint or hurt and person B will say you do the same thing to me I always feel neglected and I don't complain about things and now person a is like

I didn't know you felt neglected and now they end up listening and invalidating partner bees hurtt even though it should be the other way around emotional responsiveness says I'm yielding the floor I'm not making this all about me I want to hold space for you it's a way that we honor them it's a way we respect them by exploring and understanding their feelings and needs by being empathetic towards their experience and meeting them with warmth and curiosity and love communicating to them this matters to me because you matter to me I'm not trying to get

out of this by appeasing you or apologizing too quickly just so we can move on I'm here I'm engaged your feelings aren't a burden you're not too needy or emotional let's navigate this as a team that's emotional responsiveness thank you so much for listening to this I hope it was helpful if it was please hit the thumbs up or the Subscribe button if you can and I can't wait to see in the next one