-Good evening, I'm Seth Meyers. This is "Late Night. " We hope you're doing well tonight.
And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to get to the news. Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And like Martin Luther King, I also had a dream. I mean, it had to be a dream, right? It's too weird to be real.
[ Laughter ] President Trump today -- Whew! [ Laughter ] Sorry. It's just hitting me.
I haven't said that in four years. What a flashback. Feels like asking someone if they went with Pfizer or Moderna.
[ Laughter ] Donald Trump was sworn in today as the 47th president of the United States, while Melania was sworn in as the Hamburglar? [ Laughter ] During his swearing in today, President Trump did not place his hand on the Bible. Wow, not the guy I expected to bring back the separation of church and state.
Former President Joe Biden issued preemptive pardons today for many of President Trump's adversaries like water pressure, wind, and Taylor Swift. [ Laughter ] President Trump's inauguration today was held inside the Capitol for the first time. "Oh, we know how to get there," said his supporters.
"Inside, we're on our way. We're on our way, chief. " Vice President JD Vance was sworn in today by Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
Call me old fashioned, It just doesn't sound like something two guys named JD and Brett would be up to. [ Laughter ] They sound like two guys who would be in an ER waiting room after messing with illegal fireworks. [ Southern accent ] It was JD's idea.
Don't rat on me, Brett. [ Laughter ] TikTok went offline on Sunday in the US for several hours, and that was how a lot of people found out they had a teenager. Huh?
[ Laughter ] While speaking yesterday at his Pre-inauguration rally, President Trump bragged about saving TikTok and said, "Frankly, we have no choice. We have to save it. " After all, it's the only place on earth where he's not the worst dancer.
[ Laughter ] President Trump attended church today with first lady Melania Trump, Vice President JD Vance and Rudy Giuliani, and it was going well until Rudy started taking cash out of the collection plate. [ Laughter ] [ As Giuliani ] I gotta pay my bills somehow. Taco Bell has begun offering cheesy dipping burritos, which are served with creamy chipotle nacho cheese sauce or reduced fat sour cream.
You know, for the health nuts. [ Laughter ] The fabric and craft retailer, JOANN, last week filed for bankruptcy, and I have to say, their filing was lovely. [ Laughter ] And finally, Walgreens CEO Tim Wentworth recently told investors that locking products in cases has resulted in a decrease in sales.
Perhaps the most shocking part of that story is that investors were able to find a Walgreens employee. That was a monologue, everybody.
