Most people think that you [music] need to be the smartest person in the room to get people to follow you, admire you, respect you, and treat you like a top 1% leader or CEO. But if you want to learn to act and talk like a leader, it is actually way simpler than you think. Trust me, I didn't know anything about leadership or communication skills at 22 when I started my first business.
But this past year, acquisition. com, we crossed 100 teammates, we bought a second office [music] building, broke a Guinness World Record, and made over $100 million in 3 days. and I grew a lot as a leader and human, probably more than ever in my 10 years.
And so today, I want to break down the five rules of leadership. These are the most underrated skills that will make anybody trust, respect, follow you. So let's dive in.
Starting with number one, emotional regulation. Anybody can lead when things are stable. It is much easier to lead when things are good.
But when things are hard, you really need this skill to hone in on. This is the skill that separates people who succeed under pressure from those who never exactly get what they want. So there's this phenomenon called the social contagion effect and basically what it shows is that humans mirror the emotional state of authority figures and this alone can make or break a business.
Now the first time I ever saw this was during co what I saw during that time is that so many business owners they were unable to function because the business owner could not stabilize themselves. Tons of them went out of business. I remember was the first time that I realized a disregulated leader just creates a disregulated team.
[music] And when you have a disregulated team, it's like performance just goes out the window. During a crisis, when you need somebody to have sound decision-m, good judgment, able to stabilize people, they become their worst selves. Imagine what that does to the business.
And so what I learned leading my first company, Gym Launch, through co is that emotional stability was literally like the most important skill that I could have. I literally would put a post-it note on my computer that said be neutral to remind myself that my job was to be the rock for everybody else there because when I was calm, my team was calm. But if I showed stress, they all showed stress, too.
And this was that like social contagion at play. A lot of people see me now and they think, "Oh my gosh, she almost sounds robotic. " But they miss the fact that I've trained myself to talk this way.
So I have had to learn to speak in an emotionally regulated manner and regulate my emotions because my job as a leader is to stay grounded when everybody else is spiraling. That is truly what it is. And so for me to be able to speak that way, I have to maintain internal stability so that my team feels confident, focused, safe even when things are not.
And so it's kind of like an oxygen mask. It's like that really lame cheesy thing people say, but like if you don't do it to yourself, good luck having your team do it. It's just not going to happen.
Like if they see you and you're freaking out, they're totally going to freak out. Now, there is a mistake that you want to be aware of to use this correctly, which is I think a lot of people think that emotional regulation is emotional suppression. And I get this a lot commented on my videos, which is like, "Oh, you're just suppressing your emotions.
" No, no. Trust me, I've had enough therapy, probably more than everyone watching this combined. I talk about my emotions all the time.
Suppression is ignoring and trying to avoid. Regulation is acknowledging, addressing, confronting, and then moving on with your day towards the things that you value. So, if you want to regulate your emotions, first thing you have to do, you have to know that they're there.
You have to know they exist. So many leaders that I've met with don't acknowledge them. They don't have the self-awareness to even name the emotion that they're feeling.
And so, you have to actually be self-aware before you can even regulate the thing. The second thing you do is that when you're feeling that emotion that causes you to say have an off-putting or a negative reaction, just this. Put time between when you notice it and when you take action on it.
That's it. Like maybe you give yourself a buffer. Maybe you say, "I'm going to take five deep breaths.
Maybe you're going to give yourself 5 minutes no matter [music] what. " Something to put a buffer between. We're not trying to do anything differently.
We're just trying to pause between when you feel the emotion and when you take action based on the feeling. Now the last thing I would say is to practice having neutral tone in conflicts. So when something happens, when something arises, it doesn't go right, just practice.
You become aware of the feeling, you put a pause, approach it with curiosity rather than judgment. Be curious about the situation and your emotions around it rather than judgmental or critical. I could probably do an entire course on emotional regulation.
It is that important to leadership. But if you just start with these three things, awareness, pause, regulate how you speak, you will be so much further ahead than most people. Now, once you can regulate yourself, you can use the next skill, which is sincere cander.
Okay? Did you ever need to give harsh feedback to somebody, [music] but you didn't know how? This is the best way to do it.
At the beginning of my business partnership with my husband, Alex, we had a mentor who told us, "If you two have any space between you, you will not be able to make this [music] business work. " And I was like, "What do you mean space between us? " And he was like, "Things that are unsaid, expectations unexpressed, like just things that you withhold from the other person.
" And so I remember first thing we did is we sat down and we wrote down everything we're afraid to say to each other. And then we gave each other those pieces of paper. And I remember it being like the first time that I had given and received unfiltered truth with somebody.
one, there was nothing surprising in that feedback, but more things that were confirming of things I knew about myself but didn't like to admit or talk about. At the same time, it was the most freeing feeling I'd ever felt because I felt like, wow, I don't have to hold back. There's no secrets and like there's this feeling that you have with somebody when you know that you're not holding back and that there's complete honesty and transparency.
It's like glass. And that moment was so real for me when I felt that glass between us. And it made me realize is like this is how you want to feel with your team.
They have to value honesty more than they value whatever the feedback is that's going to be between the two of you. And so the objective with sincere cander is to create an environment where people always know where they stand. That's what people want to know, where they stand.
There's not confusion. There's not politics. There's no hidden agendas or expectations.
Like they're able to perform at their best because they always know what their best is and where they stand with you. and they know they're gonna get an honest answer, not a answer. Now, I will say this is that you probably hear this and you think, gosh, that must have been so hard to do with Alex.
There's a difference between critiquing and insulting. Okay, an insult is when you relate somebody to something negative. You're an a-hole.
You're a You're always late. You're like so and so who doesn't work here anymore, right? It's like associating them with something negative.
It's really mean and like we don't feel good when people say things like that to us and rightfully so. It's just insulting somebody. On the other hand, you have a critique.
A critique is telling somebody what they're doing and what they could do differently to achieve a goal or better the relationship. So, it's almost like identifying the gap between where they are and where they want to go or what the goal is. That is a critique.
It tells them what to do next. Whereas an insult keeps them stuck ruminating on the past and what they did wrong already. And so, this really matters because if teams have sincere cander, they can operate without making all these assumptions.
And so the best practice is to state expectations upfront and then give feedback critiques immediately, specifically and privately. If you can't tell people what you want them to do, you can only tell them what not to do. That's your problem, not their problem.
Well, it's their problem cuz they have to deal with you. But it's your problem. Like you need to work on the skill.
And I will be honest with you guys, in the beginning, it was hard for me to give feedback to people and be sincerely canderous. And then I realized after enough time that if I wasn't honest with people, we would always have this space between us and I would be the reason that they didn't succeed. Lastly, you want to ask yourself, is there anything that I'm not saying [music] that somebody needs to hear?
Is there anything I've been holding back? When you give people the truth consistently, it makes the transition to the next trait so much more natural. And guys, if you want more strategies like this, like actual tactical advice that my team is using to grow and execute every week, I just launched Leila's letters.
It's the raw unedited memos. I actually send to my team internally. I want you to be able to have them, too.
And so, we literally take the memos that I send my team on a weekly basis, and we just send them to you as well. And so, the link is in the description here. You can get on the list and get those sent to you every week.
So, the third trait is unimpeachable character. This was the most important advice that I ever got. It doesn't matter if you're smarter than everybody.
It doesn't even matter if you can always work harder than everybody. What matters is this. In the beginning of my business, I would show up to calls and there were some days where like I knew that I didn't show up well.
There were days that I was like, you know what, just something really happened. You know, we have this legal thing going on. This client said something online.
This, you know, person left and they're taking people from the business. And then I realized that I needed to tell people about it. Now, why is that?
I remember going to my mentor and saying, "I'm having a hard time because there's all this stuff happening that I have to deal with. " And I remember he said something that I'll never forget. He said, "Lila, never vent down.
You can only vent up in a team. " Meaning, you can't emotionally vomit on your team about all the problems and you got to deal with. But you can be honest [music] because if they don't understand what's on your mind, what is dictating your behavior, then they can't predict what you're going to do next or what's causing it.
and they most of the time will think it's them and that you're mad at them and you're gonna fire them and they're going to lose their job. So I remember this kind of came up. I'm thinking about this and then I'm on a call where I'm leading a full team meeting and we had just parted ways with a team member who was pivotal to the team.
They'd been there for 3 years and it was not the best separation. They had left abruptly. They took a bunch of clients.
It was like a whole thing. And I remember like I was just not feeling like myself. Like I was like [music] this.
Like I do not the last thing I feel like doing is running this 2-hour call right now to be like, "Guys, this company is amazing. " And so I remember I said, "Okay, how can I show honesty without venting to my team or being emotionally dumping on them? " And I just remember I started a call off and I just said, "Guys, I'm going to be really honest with you.
I'm feeling a little down because we parted ways with so- and so and it didn't end how I wanted it to end. So I'm feeling a little self-conscious and not like myself, but I love you guys. I love this team.
I love this company. I want to kick ass in this meeting. And so I just want to be honest.
If you notice I'm a little off, that's why. It has nothing to do with anybody else. " And I remember it was like the first moment everybody in the chat, they just blew up.
They were like, "Oh my god, you're so transparent. This is great. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for telling us. " Like, "No, my old bosses would never be honest with me like this. " And I was like, "Wow, it was really reinforcing.
" And that is when I realized trustworthiness predicts team performance more than competence. [music] Why is that? Because people feel good with people that they know they can predict their behavior.
And so if your team feels like they can't predict what you're going to do as a leader, then trust goes down [music] and they're not all in. They can't put in discretionary effort towards things because they don't feel safe. And so instead they put their energy towards protecting themselves [music] instead of building the business.
They're going to be constantly on guard, always one foot out the door, always thinking about something else because they're like, can I be safe here? So it's [music] like through that story, how do you gain trust? Honesty is like the number one way you can gain trust.
I didn't need to be honest with my team, but I did it because I want them to trust me so that I can trust them. is really you have to extend trust before you ask for it. So I would ask yourself these questions, right?
Would I follow me? Would I want to be led by me? Would I trust me?
Like be able to put yourself in the shoes of the people that you lead and genuinely say like would I trust me as a leader? And so if your team can trust you, they can actually hear the words you say and that is what will unlock this next skill. Number four is clarity.
All successful leaders have this one thing in common. I will tell you this. I remember the first time I realized how important this was.
It was actually when our business was scaling insanely fast at gym launch and I realized that I would be in a meeting and I wouldn't leave people with next steps and instead people would leave the meetings and I would notice they would be like stressed and slacking me frantic and like what's going on and like you know I feel confused after that meeting and I remember I was like why are we stressed we made these decisions already like I don't understand and then I realized what is clarity clarity is taking something very complex and breaking it down into bite-sized [music] pieces is and this is something that great leaders do. They can take huge objectives, giant visions, places, things, pieces and then they can say, "And this is what we do tomorrow. Here's your list of three things that you do.
" This is really important that you simplify complexity into actionable direction. People watch my content, they say, "Oh, it feels actionable. " Why is that?
Because I'm trying to give you clarity. I'm not trying to give you 17,000 things to do. I'm trying to give you clear direction.
The objective is to turn a really big messy problem into clear decisions, priorities, and next steps so people always know what to do. The biggest mistake that people make with this, like to this date, and like it's I try so hard not to do this myself because people around me use big words, okay? But like they use language and like corporate jargon to sound smart instead of creating clarity.
Oh, well the IBIDA ROI on the carry of this B and you're like when you're talking to your team, the objective is not to sound smart because they already think I'm intimidating and smart and all these things. They they need to see them a human. The issue is like a lot of people speak in this corporate language.
They use these big words because they're like, "Oh, well, they should learn them. It's not. " No.
This is why people make fun of corporate speak. It doesn't work. If you want people to take action, then they need to hear what you're saying to understand.
Which means you cannot say words they don't understand. The best thing I've ever done is every presentation that I give to my team, you know what I do? I put it into I used to put it into Hemingway.
Now I put it in chat GBT. I say, "Put this in third grade language. " Why?
If you want to speak more clearly and create clarity where people actually know what to do based on the things you tell them, put it in third grade language. Almost everybody on earth can understand a third grade language. beyond that it's like it you just don't know.
Okay. And so research has shown that people perform at their best when they understand one to three of their biggest priorities. If you can understand language and the way it works and how to use simple language with people, you can create clarity so much faster.
[music] Another way that you can create clarity for people is they'll come to you and they'll start just saying things to you. Right? I always ask myself when somebody's like, "Can I have a call?
" And then they're talking to me and I'm like, "Do they want me to solve a problem? Do they want affirmation? Do they want camaraderie?
Are they venting? Like what are they doing? " And so a question I ask often is, can you tell me what problem we're solving or are we not solving a problem?
Just that it's like your job as a leader is to speak with clarity to give people clarity and then to help them find the clarity in the things that they're doing. Sometimes people don't even know why they're talking or they don't know why they're doing what they're doing. And it's like you are there to ask them the right questions to help them create that clarity.
And if you do that, then you can define success for [music] people. And if you can align with people on that, what does success look like? There's no greater clarity that you can create.
Now, I will say this, [music] clarity is where a lot of leaders stop because they think it's enough. They're like, "Okay, now that I get this, okay, now I provide clarity to people. " But that is not the last step.
Because clarity without ownership just creates a bunch of people waiting for permission to do things, which is what leads to this last trait, which is ownership. If you want people to trust you, follow you, look up to you, perform well under you, you have to stop asking whose fault it is, and start solving problems. Now, what does this mean?
I actually learned this lesson very early in my life, and I think that it's like the epitome of leadership. After my parents got divorced, my mom ended up getting into alcohol and drugs, [music] and she created all these problems that I had to deal with, right? you know, I had anxiety and fears around things that I hadn't before.
And I had like emotion I had to deal with and this anger and I remember being in therapy and I said, "Well, she created this problem. She needs to solve it. " And I remember in that moment they were like, "I understand that you didn't cause the problem, but you do have to fix it.
" And I was like, "Oh, that one lesson that I learned that early in my life is like the epitome of leadership. There are so many times in business and in leadership where you are going to solve problems that you did not create. Somebody else up.
Somebody else did something. It doesn't matter because also every time that you solve a problem you didn't create, you get to acquire the skills of solving that problem that that person doesn't get to have. And so real leaders, what do they do?
They take responsibility for [music] the outcome, not even just the effort. They take ownership over things that they didn't start. They accept accountability for results of things they didn't have full control over.
They're able to look at a problem and say, "Even though I didn't do it, even though I didn't create it, I can solve it and I will solve it and I'll be happy about solving it. " High performance teams outperform [music] because responsibility is decentralized rather than avoided. Okay, what does that mean?
It means that a lot of teams have a boss who's responsible. This one person's responsible. Everyone else just helps with stuff.
In a decentralized responsibility team, everybody is responsible. Meaning each person feels ownership. So they feel like if they see a problem, they should solve it regardless of the fact that they didn't cause that problem.
and they understand that even though they didn't cause it, they can take responsibility for the thing, solve it faster, and add value to the entire team. Now, the common mistake for this, if you spend all this time trying to figure out what caused the problem or who caused the problem, then that's all the time that you're taking away from actually solving it. A lot of people in companies and leadership spend way too much energy on blame rather than creating solutions.
You just want to create solution. I promise you, there's like not much to learn with the blame game. And so we want to spend our time solving the problems, not blaming people, figuring out what happened, just like it happened.
Like we don't need to do a 3-hour postmortem on who up this launch of our product and this and that. Like we got to move on. Let's just fix it.
So the number one thing that you can do today is look for a problem that exists is not your fault that you didn't cause and go solve it. Like that is what true leaders do. If you look at the best leaders on teams in companies, that's like the bottom line what they do.
I remember that we hired somebody to work on our facilities team [clears throat] and I remember knowing that they were a leader because I saw there was a team that had left like a complete mess and it was not their responsibility to do anything with it and instead they picked up the whole damn thing without anybody knowing. They didn't ask for credit. They nothing.
They just did it. It's like what is that? That's ownership.
Ownership isn't just like being a good person. It's being indispensable. Now that you understand these five traits that make people actually want to follow you, the next step is applying them to your business.
Because a lot of leaders, I would say most leaders grow themselves, but [music] accidentally build companies that fall apart the moment that they step away. So now that you guys understand these traits, the biggest thing I would say is take one that you feel like you are the most efficient in and work on that one [music] trait. And you can check out this next video where I will show you the five systems that you can make your business run without you so that your team can execute and scale even when you're not in the room.
