-Our first guest tonight is an Emmy-, Grammy- and Peabody Award-winning comedian, writer, and Strike Force Five podcaster you know from his work on "The Daily Show," "The Colbert Report," as well as the host of "The Late Show With Stephen Colbert," which airs weeknights on CBS. Please welcome back to the show my very good friend Stephen Colbert, everybody! [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ ♪♪ Please, join us!
-Oh! Oh, lovely. -Oh, my God, you have the same rule I have.
You think you have to sit down second. -The host -- you do have to sit down second. -Yeah, I know, but you kept thinking.
. . You were trying to make me wait.
But I'm the host. -I'll tell you the rule. .
. -I would have waited you out. -I'll tell you the rule that I do, is that I got to do something I never get to do with the guests, is that if we hug, my head just now was downstage.
-Oh! -I always allow the guest's head to be downstage. -That's -- I think I do, too.
-Yeah, well. -I don't think about it, though. -I think about everything I do, every moment.
I'm crippled. I'm crippled. -So, none of it comes to you naturally.
-I'm second-guessing every action, yes. And then we go back and we re-edit the entire show. I do every moment of the show three different ways.
We go, "No, no, try this. Try this. Give me the B option.
" -Well, you were here 10 years ago, and you actually, you remarked that you. . .
This is a moment where you had exactly what you're just talking about. -It's been 10 years? -10 years, and you came out on this show and you had a moment where you realized.
. . -10 years ago, I guess.
. . Had I already gotten the new gig or was I about to?
-You knew you were doing it, but hadn't started. -I was going, "Well, I'm going to be a network late-night talk-show host. I don't need to put any effort in.
" -Right. -I am that guy. -Yeah, you can just come out and do anything.
-I'm just kind of, "Whatever, I'm me. Enjoy that I am. " And I walked out onstage thinking, "Oh, Seth's a friend.
This is going to be fun. I don't have to put any effort into it. " And I walked as far as this seat and I went, "This is a huge mistake.
" [ Laughter ] "I should really put any effort into this. " And I think if -- I've watched it. You can see the moment.
Do you have it? -Yeah, we have it. -You watch, you'll see the moment when I realize I should be professional on some level.
You have it? -Let's take a look. [ Cheers and applause ] -How are you?
-Wow. Hello. Hello.
Happy to be here. -Thank you. -Wow!
-Breaking it in. You're breaking it in. -Look at this new set.
-Isn't it something? -That second "wow" is where I went. .
. That first "wow" was not nearly "wow" enough. [ Laughter ] -It is wonderful to have you since.
. . I mean, in the last year, you had something very special happen.
You won the Emmy. Congratulations. -Yeah, that was very nice.
That was a lovely night. -It was a great night. -Great for the staff and everything like that.
-Truly lovely. Evie was there. We had a good time.
So much more fun if you win. -Oh, my God, yeah. -Yeah.
-I mean, I will say. . .
So, I wasn't there because we weren't even nominated. [ Laughter ] But I am gonna say something that may. .
. Well, let me know, because I think you might actually agree with me. I think it goes like this.
You go and you win. . .
-Yeah. . .
. you don't get nominated, don't have to go. .
. -Yes. -.
. . you go and you lose.
-100%. 100%. -Yeah.
-I mean, going and losing. . .
-'Cause if you go and you. . .
If you go and you lose, they're like, "This is ridiculous. This is crazy. Why do we do this?
This is all bull[bleep]. " And then if you go and you win, you go, "You know, it's good that we get together at least once a year just to celebrate the art form. " [ Laughter ] Yeah.
And then if you go. . .
If you're not nominated, you're like, "Was it tonight? -Yeah. 100%.
-Yeah. -But I will say, like, it was very special, and I was very happy when you won. -It was really lovely.
-And one of the things that's changed in the last like three years, you know, in our category is that we're all a lot closer because we did a podcast together called Strike Force Five. -Right, during the strike of 2023, something like that? -Yeah, that sounds about right.
-That was a lot of fun. -You, me, Jimmy Fallon, John Oliver, Jimmy Kimmel. -Exactly.
-And it was so. . .
I mean, I enjoyed it a great deal. Like, one, we were, you know, we were making -- we were raising money for our staffs, who were currently, at the time, not working. -Yeah.
12 episodes, raised a ton of money. -And it was really nice to be closer to everybody who does this for a living. -Yeah.
You really. . .
For me, you really turned a corner. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -I went, "Yeah, I get it.
" -You were kind of there. . .
-"I get it now. " -You were already there on the other guys. And I remember the day you were like, "Hey, you know who I was wrong about?
" -Yeah, yeah. I shouldn't attack him when he's not around. -But it was, I mean.
. . -We're raising money right now, actually, uh, on the new show.
-You're auctioning off items on eBay that were connected to your show, and I was blown away how successful this has been. -Over $200,000 we've raised for. .
. -That's incredible. -.
. . World Central Kitchen.
-Great. -José Andrés' World Central Kitchen. -José Andrés, one of the greats.
-Yeah. -And you auction off ties, costumes from your show. -Yeah.
Props, uh, tickets to the final show, stuff like that. We actually have. .
. We actually brought something. -You did.
-I don't know if you're okay. . .
-And I feel like, I'm very excited because. . .
-Are you okay with this? -Of course. I mean, it's for a good cause.
I wouldn't let you sell stuff, like, if all the money was going to you. [ Laughter ] Like, I wouldn't be okay with you using this platform for that. But if it's a good cause, you can auction.
-It's a good cause. This is all for World Central Kitchen. We are looking for props that people might enjoy, and I've got this thing that's been rolled up in the corner of my office for years.
And I don't know if you guys remember, there used to be senator from Arizona named Jeff Flake. He was a Republican senator. Very nice, really lovely, reasonable guy.
And I went to go see him years ago. I forgot why I was interviewing him, a bunch of people on Capitol Hill. I think it was the last time I went to DC.
And I'm riding around Capitol Hill on a Segway or something, trying to look for somebody to talk to me. And he had this rug. He had a little area rug in his office that said "US Senate.
" And this is what. . .
May I? -Yeah, yeah, please. -Can we see this, please?
Why did they give you such a small rug? -[ Chuckles ] -There's not even. .
. There's not even room for the "unum" on the "E Pluribus" here. -You know, that's what you get when you're a freshman, I guess.
-Do you get to keep the rug? -'Fraid not. -This has to stay behind you?
-This does. -So, if I took it with me today, that would be a problem? -Big problem.
[ Laughter ] -Well, we, uh. . .
-We got it right there. -We have it right here. [ Cheers and applause ] I tied a really tight knot in this.
[ Laughter ] Trust me, this is the rug. -You're so mad you didn't bring your knot guy with you. -You have editors.
Okay, so here it is. -It's beautiful. -Here's the rug.
[ Cheers and applause ] This is stolen. -Yeah. -If you would like to aid and abet me, if you'd like to be an accomplice in a federal crime from stealing this from Capitol Hill.
. . Do we have the, uh.
. . ?
-Yeah, we're gonna put it up there. There you go. -Colbertlateshow/eBay or go to that QR code, and you can, uh.
. . -You can bid.
-You can bid on this. -You can get a stolen goods. -Yes.
This is. . .
This is -- this is a late. . .
"Late Night with Seth Meyers" exclusive. There you go. -Alright, I have two questions based on that.
One, uh, you look pretty good on a Segway. That's not. .
. That's not digital effects. How are you on a Segway?
-It's a skill, like anything else. Have you never ridden a Segway before? -I've never ridden a Segway.
-There's nothing easier in the world. I almost decapitated an audience member with a Segway once. -Okay, so there maybe is something easier?
-I literally fell off of it, and it shot into the audience and barely went by somebody's head. And I got a note from the lawyer from the network saying, "You may not ride your Segway onstage ever again. " -That's very fair.
Also, you mentioned that's in the corner of your office. Are you somebody who -- is your office just sort of filled with the detritus of 10 years of doing a show? -It's a compost heap.
Yeah, yeah. -And I feel like, uh, is this similar to you? Like, we get gifted a lot of things that are, like, too nice to throw away, but not nice enough to do anything with.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Yeah.
Just, like, really nice gestures that, like, nobody in your family wants you to bring it back to the home. -No. And a lot of liquor.
-Yeah. -Yeah. I've started giving stuff away to my staff.
We do a drawing every Thursday. -Yeah. -And I just.
. . I'm just giving stuff away to the staff, too.
-That's very nice of you. Um, I have something to give you. -What?
Really? -So, I do a thing on my show called Corrections. -Oh, I love it.
I have a jackal mug. -Thank you. Oh, you have a jackal mug?
-I went, I paid. . .
I paid with my own money to get a jackal mug. I love it. -That's very kind of you to say.
And some people -- we have a P. O. box, and people send something in.
And so, I got an invitation to a wedding, but it was, um. . .
It was Lord of the Rings themed. Like, if you can see. .
. And like, look, they've got, like, a little map that looks like it's burned. -Ohh!
-And it's really great. -You got invited to a wedding? -And no, I didn't.
So, I thought I did. And then I opened up an envelope -- sent to my P. O.
box -- that starts, "Dear Stephen Colbert. " [ Laughter and applause ] This was mailed to me. And by the way, at no.
. . Look, at no point does it ever say, like, "Thanks, Seth.
" It's like literally, they just assumed I'd give it to you. So, anyway, March 20th in California, if you want to go. -Oh, March 20th and 26th.
They're getting married twice. -Twice. Is that.
. . Is that something that happens in your weird hobbit world?
-Oh, okay. [ Laughter ] -I don't know, I didn't get to the. .
. I didn't get to any of the wedding scenes. -No, I actually have no idea.
-Can you read, uh, hobbit-ese? Like, I mean, by the way, this is. .
. But, like. .
. -Yeah, that just says, "Elen síla lúmenn' omentielvo," which means "a star shines on the hour of our meeting," but that's basic [bleep] right there. [ Laughter and applause ] I mean, that's what Gildor.
. . That's what Frodo says to Gildor Inglorion of the House of Finrod when they first meet at Woodhall.
-I knew it sounded familiar. -Yeah. -Um, but I did.
. . -Thank you.
Do I. . .
Is this really? -Yeah. You can keep it.
I reached out to, um, uh, my jackals, which is what I call the people who give comments. And I said last week, "Hey, Colbert's coming on the show," because sometimes in my YouTube comments, people are like, "Hey, will you tell Stephen he made this mistake? " Because Corrections is the place.
. . Do you want to hear 'em or not?
-They attack me through you? -They don't attack. They gently correct.
-Yes, they do. They're jackals. -Yeah, they are jackals.
They are attacking. Would you like to hear some of the things that people said you've gotten wrong? -I'm hesitant to say yes, but please, I would like to hear from the jackals.
-"Stephen said one time that the Great Wall of China can be seen with the naked eye from space, which is untrue. " -I'm sure you're right. [ Laughter ] -See, it's -- See, it's fun.
-I'm sure. [ Laughs ] I'm sure it is. And you.
. . Okay, go ahead.
-This is one I get all the time. Uh, you have a segment called Monkey News "or something. " By the way, I love how they're so specific, and they're like, "I don't have time to google.
" -It's called "This Is a Monkey-mergency. " It's whenever there's an escaped primate of any kind. -Yeah, you do it like twice a week.
-We have a monkey-mergency. Yeah. -"Your monkey emergency, uh, has a chimpanzee in the graphic, which is an ape, not a monkey.
" [ Laughter ] -Hey, man. . .
-I know. -Does it eat bananas? [ Laughter ] That's my question to you.
Does it eat bananas? -"Please tell Stephen Colbert it is 'a historic,' not 'an historic. '" -Oh, no!
It is "an historic evening. " Same way you would say, "Oh, I enjoy, I enjoy listening to an harmonica. " -Okay.
Is that really how you'd say it? -That's how I would say it. -But nobody.
. . -Can I say something?
-I've always said "an historic. " What? -But the problem is, like, does anybody ever enjoy listening to an harmonica?
[ Laughter ] -It's better than an tambourine. [ Laughter ] -Oh, "Bluey's a girl, not a boy. " -I did not know that.
And I don't judge. I'm not laying that on Bluey. -Yeah, yeah.
That's great. And, by the way, why would you know it? Your kids are like, ehhh.
. . -40.
-Yeah, they're like 40 years old. -I have triplets. They're all 40.
-Uh, hey, stick around. I got a lot more to ask Stephen Colbert after this.
