- Hello and welcome to "Smosh Reads Reddit Stories. " I'm Shayne, and today's theme is, I mean, it's our 150th episode, so I guess that's a little bit of the theme is hell yeah. But also, it's March, and in honor of the Ides of March, sorry, both Amanda and Angela are mocking me right now, and it's really hard to do this intro while they are quietly mocking me.
- I'm just smiling. - So this is gonna be largely revenge-themed today because of the Ides of March. Angela, can you tell us more about the Ides of March?
- George Clooney. - George Clooney the movie. - It's a- - Oh, yes.
It's Julius Caesar thing. - Julius Caesar. - Yes.
- It's Shakespeare. - Yes. I only know like kind of the text.
- I also like Shakespeare. - I know, but Angela really knows Shakespeare. - Thank you, Shayne.
- Angela went to Oxford. - I also went. (Shayne laughing) - Hey.
Hey, we're gonna get to you. Hey. (Shayne laughing) - You're gonna get your chance.
- No, no, no, Angela, have your time. (both laughing) And you should have it. - I yield my time to Amanda.
- Okay, great. Amanda- - So Julius Caesar. - We're out of time.
Anyway. (both laughing) I'm joined by Amanda and Angela today, who both are getting revenge on everyone. - We had a realization today that we think we spent too much fundamental time as kids with our uncles.
- Yes. Yes, because- - What? - There's some ladies- - Crazy.
Crazy statement. - No, wait, hold on. Not what you guys are thinking.
- Nobody's saying anything. - Like a lot of little girls will hang out with their moms or their older sister. - Yeah, and they'll be like- - I think we hung out with older men.
(laughs) - Yeah. No, you're not actually explaining this well. You're actually not.
- Are you saying because of all the characters you guys play, are you saying that you act more like old men than- - She's not explaining it well, but here's the deal. We are not your typical girls' girl, okay? - That's what we're saying.
- We've been hanging out with older guys. Funny ha ha ha. - We were like, "Are we girly girls?
" And we were like, no. - Guys who scratch their balls in sweatpants. (Angela laughing) - That is your personality.
(crew laughing) - And thank you. - Yeah, it really is your personality. - And we watch like horseback riding.
- You both have the personalities that you hang out and smoke cigars. - And we tell our nieces and nephews to go pour us a beer and bring it back. And we're like, "Yeah, it's good.
" - Truly, whenever you both play men in any of our sketches or shows, it's wild to see. You become the most toxic human beings. (laughs) - And that's because we're healing from toxicity, Shayne.
- That's because I'm speaking to the culture. - Yes, we're healing inside, so we become toxic men. It's for us to feel.
- It's just crazy. Whenever we slap a mustache on one of you, the energy just skyrockets. - Yeah!
- You're like, "Ah! " - I literally can't play a grounded, nice kind guy. - It's a mask.
- I have not been able to play a nice guy in a long time. - It's like Jim Carrey's "The Mask. " You put that shit on.
- [Amanda] What is wrong with us? - I think talking about nice men leads us right into Reddit stuff. - Yeah.
- So today's theme is revenge. Revenge-themed stories. - I saw a kick ass production of Julius Caesar in the round.
- Sick. - In Oregon when I was 16. Blew my mind.
Female Julius. (Angela laughing) - Our first story comes from r/pettyrevenge. This was posted only a week ago as of recording this.
"I've been mailing my toenail clippings to my childhood bully once a month for 11 years. No return address, no note. " - (bleep) Throw up is coming up.
- Oh my God. - That actually is really (bleep) gross. - Yeah, that's a lot.
- But awesome. - Actually, yeah. - Oh, uh, actually.
- You know what? That's awesome. - I didn't know you could send stuff with no return address.
- Oh yeah. - What? - Kind of a good thing to learn.
- Don't get any ideas. - Wait. - Don't get any ideas.
- Doesn't the post office go, no? - [Angela] Yeah. - Something that I've wanted to do for a long time is, this just kinda makes me think about it, is you know how they sell those really fancy like letter-writing sets with the wax seal?
- Yeah. - I love those. - I've thought about buying some really nice stationery, like really old-school parchment paper.
So one of my friends would get this gorgeous letter in cursive on the front entitled to them. And they'd open up this, they'd break the wax seal, they'd open up this beautiful scroll, and in it just in cursive, it just says, "Bitch. " - (bleep) you.
- And that's it. There's like (bleep) you, and that's it. All that effort for that.
- I love it. - Shayne Topp wrote me a letter. - Oh, wax seal of a butt.
Oh, "Bitch? " - I draw a butt? - Yeah.
- Like I sent you a nude. - A drawn butt. - This sounds disgusting.
- Yes, all right, let's get into this story. - Yeah. (laughs) - "So this is weird, and I've never told anyone, but here we go.
When I was in middle school, there was this kid, Marcus, who made my life miserable. Like not just regular bullying. He was creative about it.
One time, he convinced half our grade that I shit myself at a sleepover that I wasn't even at. Another time, he found out I had a crush on this girl, Emily, and he asked her out specifically to tell me about it in detail. Just cruel stuff constantly for like three years.
" - Wow. - "Anyway, fast forward to 2014. I'm in college, haven't thought about Marcus in a while.
I'm scrolling Facebook and I see his mom posted something about a garage sale, and her address was right there in the post. I screenshot it. Don't know why, just did.
So that night, I'm clipping my toenails watching TV, and I look at the little pile and I look at my phone with the screenshot and I just thought. I put them in an envelope, no note, no return address. Mailed it the next day.
Felt stupid immediately after. Figured that was it. Got it out of my system, whatever.
But then a month later, I'm clipping my toenails again and I just did it again. That was 11 years ago. I have not missed a single month.
I've mailed them from different cities when I'm traveling for work. I don't even think about it that much anymore. It's just part of my routine now.
First of the month, rent and toenails. The thing is, I have no idea if he even opens them or if he throws them away immediately, or if his wife opens the mail and has been hiding it from him for years. I genuinely have no idea, and honestly, I don't really care.
Like I'm not doing this for a reaction. I think I just like knowing that somewhere out there, these envelopes exist. I looked him up recently, and he's got a wife and kids now.
Nice house, seems happy. Good for him, I guess. I found his new address when they moved a few years ago.
Took like 10 minutes. Sometimes I wonder if I should stop. I have a decent job and a wife too.
Normal life stuff. And also, once a month, I mail my toenails to a man who was mean to me when we were 12. Anyway, yeah, that's it.
Felt like typing it out finally. " (crew laughing) Okay. This is definitely, like regardless of how we feel about this, a really good story about why you should just never bully people.
- [Angela] Yeah. - 'Cause you just don't know. - I think he should replace the toenails with just a picture of him.
No more toenails, and just start sending pictures of him so- - Well, then he reveals his identity. - Yeah. - Then the guy could come after him.
- Yeah. - Then he could start getting envelopes with toenails. What I would do, you wanna level this revenge up a little bit more.
- Okay. - Send one with a check for $1,000. - What?
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com/pitreddit. And now, back to the show. Comments: "You should skip it one month so he thinks he's finally free of toenails, then boom.
Two months' worth of toenails in the next envelope. " - Oh, okay. - That has 20,000 upvotes.
- So just to double the order? - Just to double. Just to save them up.
- No, to skip a month. - Bank them up. - Everyone wants this to be a psychological thriller.
- Yeah, I still think the cash is hilarious. - I think yeah. - Sometimes the envelopes are good.
Someone said, "Just for curiosity, does anyone know if toenails can be used to obtain DNA? " I believe they can. - Oh my God.
- Someone says, "I know everyone is saying never stop. I think the opposite. Stop for a few months.
Let him think his nightmare is over. Then restart it just to torment him. " - Okay.
- Someone said, "Wouldn't it be funny if he read this Reddit post? " Someone said, "All I'm gonna say is, if that guy ever goes missing, you're gonna be the first suspect. " Someone replied to that and said, "And bullied more than one kid, so he still has no clue who it is.
" He did probably bully multiple people. - Yeah, but he's got his toenails. What if this guy- - What if this guy's the freak?
- Has an underground lab, and he's doing like February toenails? Boom, boom, boom. - Here.
You want me to move this up one level? He finally goes, "You know what? I'm sorry I sent all those envelopes.
I'm gonna go visit this guy, say I'm sorry. " He goes and visits him and the guy's like, "Hey man, for sure. Like why don't you come to my man cave?
We'll hang out for a bit. " He goes down to his man cave. In his man cave, he has a statue- - Of toenails.
- Made of his toenails. - Yep. - And he is like, "Oh, flipped it back on you.
I'm the freak. " - I think I would just go, "Ew. " - And then they kiss.
(both laughing) - And that's why he was bullying him. - 'Cause he is obsessed with him. - 'Cause he's that obsessed.
- And we have a sim here. (all laughing) (speaking indistinctly) - We're in a silly zone. - No, the revenge, it's like, I like some funny revenge, but of course, we talk about it all the time, when it outweighs what you're doing, what are you doing to yourself?
- Yeah. - My thought is always like, 'cause I get where I'm like, you want them to feel what you felt. You want them to feel.
Like the isn't the ultimate goal for them to like kinda wake up and be like, "Whoa, I can't believe I was doing this awful thing. - Yes. - But you're not gonna get it.
And it's just also like, "Man, you're committing so much of your life. " Kinda that quote of like, oh, they're living rent-free in your head. - They're living rent-free in your toes.
- Your life, in a way, revolves around this person who is awful, and you should just get them out of your life. - Or, like, you are 11 years into stopping once a month to stop and think about this person and give some of yourself and your time and your efforts to this person. - Yeah.
He's probably thinking about it more. Every time he looks at his toes, he's probably thinking about his bully. He's probably like, ♪ la la la - I keep going back to the postman who probably delivers that every week.
- I was thinking about the postman too. - Or girl. - That's so true.
- Post girl. - Post girl. - But, boy, I don't think that falls under petty revenge.
I think that's under something different. - That's some serious revenge. - That's some long-term revenge.
- That's like take a shower revenge. - Yeah, I don't like that, that feels a little bit like torture, just like a little bit. - Yeah.
All right, our next revenge story. This comes from r/pettyrevenge. "Seams to be a problem with the wash.
" Seams is spelled S-E-A-M-S. - Oh, clothes. - Clothing theme, clothing theme.
- "Years ago, I worked with a woman who had a picture-perfect family. Mom, dad, three beautiful boys, very involved in family activities. Well, until dad hit a midlife crisis and pulled the plug on the marriage.
As things played out, she ended up losing the house to him, and the boys stayed in the house so they could continue in their school. It was heartbreaking to watch. Of course, because it was a midlife crisis, he moved in with someone who was a lot younger, but had zero idea of how to do anything around the house.
Ex-hubby wasn't used to doing anything, and my coworker was upset that her boys weren't being cared for. One day, she was at the house and decided to show the boys how to change their linen and run the washer and dryer so they could do their own clothes. She saw a mound of dirty clothes in the laundry room and decided to get some petty revenge.
She used the scissors in the laundry room to cut exactly one stitch in the side seam or under the arm of a few of girlfriend's shirts and sweaters. She snipped a single stitch at the elastic of underwear, a single stitch in bra bands. Then when the boys arrived with their laundry, she showed them how to separate clothes and include everyone's dirty clothes in the loads.
Weeks later, the boys mentioned how the girlfriend was upset because her clothes seemed to be getting damaged in the wash. She did that a few more times over the course of the six months the girlfriend lived there. Petty as hell.
" - Wait a second. So the only people who suffered were her sons? - No, the only person who suffered was the girlfriend.
- But she blamed the sons, 'cause they were the ones doing the laundry? - This definitely falls under, hey, the husband was the piece of shit, but you're getting- - Mad at the girlfriend. - You're torturing the girlfriend for what the guy- - Yeah.
- The guy is the shitty one. Put the revenge on him. - And therefore, involving your sons.
- She's not messing up the dad's clothes. She's messing up the girlfriend's clothes. - Yeah, what?
And a stitch in a- - You're hitting the wrong target, mate. - Yeah, the target, mate. - Mate, to the left.
To the left. - And her underwear, what, is falling off? - Well.
- Well. (all laughing) - No, that's- - Bizarre. - That's a bummer.
So our verdict, is it good revenge, is it bad revenge? It's not even revenge. - It's not.
- It's not revenge. You completely did not get revenge on the person who did this to you. - Yep.
- You're just doing horrible things to someone who has nothing to do with you. - Just cut holes in the butt area of your husband's pants. - Yeah.
(crew laughing) - Comments: "Why did she do it to the woman and not her husband who vowed to stay by her side in sickness and health? I mean, apart from deep-rooted misogyny, of course. Probably taught the boys to hate the woman and tolerate their father too.
" OP said, "I think she was hoping things would blow over and he'd get back together with her. He had a great lawyer, and she had one that wanted her to play nice for the sake of the kids. In the end, everyone lost.
" - Yeah. - Yeah. Someone said, "That's messed up.
The girlfriend and not the man who blew up her life? Not cool. " Someone said, "My great-aunt did this in her nursing home whilst recovering from a broken hip.
It's because another resident had been stealing from her. She took her own pair of scissors. How she was able to take her own scissors there, I don't know, and cut up the woman's clothes.
Well, then, that's fun. (all laughing) - The woman's like, "Damn, Georgia, what happened to that? " - If she's stealing clothes from her, she can mess her clothes up.
Like that's fine. - Yeah. - Her own clothes if she's being stolen from.
Oh, vengeance in a retirement home, that sounds funny. - Yeah. - Probably brutal.
- Brutal. - 'Cause what you gotta lose? "I used to work at a medical office and it was a chain.
The culture was very corporate. I didn't really fit in there, but I tried to keep my head down and do my very best at my job. One girl there seemed to really not like me, which is fine.
I'm not a $100 bill for everyone to like me. " - What? - Never heard that phrase.
- Okay. - Before. - I'm not $100 bill for everyone to like me.
- Yeah. Next. - But.
"But she'd do petty things like unplug my monitor and keyboard before I'd get to my desk in the morning. " Jesus. "We also shared documentation responsibilities, and she would neglect her end, which I wouldn't know about until I'd get an earful from my boss.
So I decided to get back at her in the pettiest way I possibly could. Her entire personality was being from Brooklyn. Like, "Oh believe me, I'm from Brooklyn.
I know pizza. " Or, "I'm from Brooklyn. We don't stand for shit like that, yada, yada.
" One day, I was castigated for something she did, and I got really mad. So for the rest of the day, I pretended to not know what Brooklyn is. I'd ask like, "Oh, is that some town in Ohio?
Oh, it's in New York. Is it like upstate? One of the five boroughs?
" Everyone knows there's only four boroughs in New York. That's Manhattan, Queens, the Bronx, and Staten Island. " (laughs) To know Staten Island but not know Brooklyn is really funny.
- Very funny. "When she showed me Brooklyn on the internet, I just said that's not real. Brooklyn is an internet hoax.
She got so incredibly frustrated she started crashing out. The best part is, what's she gonna tell HR? I'm bullying her by pretending not to know what Brooklyn is?
This was a long time ago, but I figured it was a good place to share. That's good revenge. I think she could go a little bit further.
If she's unplugging your monitor, you can, I mean- - You can kick her a little. (all laughing) - Have you ever had someone, when you're sitting down, pull the chair out from behind you? - Okay, I- - I'm not friends with the Three Stooges, so.
(laughs) - Well, when you're a tall girl, it happens to you in sixth grade- - Oh Jesus. - It (bleep) sucks. - And you fell all the way to seventh grade.
- I literally fell. (Shayne laughing) It took me like many minutes to fall. Anyways.
- Wait, that's crazy. It did happen to me once in this darkened show. Someone pulled the chair and I hit the ground.
It's really funny. - On purpose? - I'll send you a clip.
No, on accident, it's really funny. - Yeah, send me a clip. - There's nothing worse than falling.
Your legs go up. - Yeah, yeah. (Shayne laughing) It's the worse.
But anyway, I think I like this revenge because the person wanting the revenge is making them look stupid. - Yes. - Like it gets really scary when you're like, I want harm on another person to feel better.
- Yes. - But to be like, "I'm gonna look like a clown in front of them, make them freak out. " - But, okay, revenge that I do love, and I'm not a big revenge person, revenge that I do love is when someone is doing an action and it's like hurting you.
- Yeah. - Is to find a way to make that action hurt them is the best. - Yes.
- Now that's not the case here. But it's like, "Oh, this person keeps taking my parking spot," and finding a way to be like, "So I put spikes on my parking spot and they parked on it. " That's a bad example, but you know what I mean.
- I think you do like revenge. - No. (crew laughing) I was saying in movies and stuff, when it's just like the action that you're doing is finally gonna have consequences for you.
- Yes. - Like finding a way. - That's like a well-written version of revenge.
- I don't know a good example of it, but that's the best. - It's so funny that someone's just like, "Oh yeah, in Brooklyn things are hard. Oh, in Brooklyn, we wouldn't do that.
" It's like, "Wait, hold on. I've never heard of Brooklyn. " - I know, like- - That is so funny to me 'cause it's just gonna get someone really, really mad.
- "What? " It's really funny. - It doesn't fix her problem though.
- I don't think revenge ever fixes your problem. - I think asking that of revenge, - "Am I the asshole for ruining my brother's proposal and refusing to clear his name until he gives me half the money for my wedding? " Whoa, okay.
- Oh no, a wedding one. - I think revenge is a little leveled up here. - Yeah.
- "Throwaway account. I, a 35-year-old man, admit to being a spiteful person when pushed. But I want to know if I'm truly the asshole when I gave multiple and explicit warnings as to deter my vengeance.
I have a younger brother, Todd, who's 29, who had a complicated birth and had to stay a month in the ICU. And because of that, my parents have always doted on him and almost denied him nothing, even if it was to the detriment of my sister Abby, who's 32, and I. My brother drinks in on the attention and has on more than one occasion made himself the center of attention at either my, my sister's, or a cousin's special event.
Because of this, Abby and I have a strained relationship with Todd and our parents. Unfortunately, Todd met and fell in love with Lucy, who's 24, who announced her own pregnancy at the baby shower my mom held for Abby. When I proposed to my wife Michelle, who's 30, I just wanted to elope.
But she really wanted her family to be there, so I invited my family out of obligation. While out, my best man Jim, who's 35, noticed a receipt from a jewelry store slipped out of Todd's pocket. Jim confronted Todd about this, which led to an argument.
Jim told me everything, and I told Todd that he was no longer to be a groomsman because I knew he was going to propose at my wedding. Todd cried to our parents, and which led to a blowout. In my parents' eyes, since Todd never admitted that he was going to propose to Lucy at my wedding, I was unfairly judging him.
I refused and brought up Todd's past behavior. My parents couldn't refute this and got Todd to agree to not try anything at my wedding. This wasn't enough to convince me to let him be a groomsman, but I warned him that if, as a guest, he'd try anything, I would make him regret it.
Fast forward to the wedding and surprise, surprise. Todd walked over to Lucy and proposed to her during Michelle's father-daughter dance. " - Oh.
- "And did it in a way so that everyone would notice. Cue my revenge. Jim and I had hired a woman to pretend to be Todd's side piece, who cornered Todd and Lucy, and claimed that she was pregnant with his baby.
" Whoa, they had it in the chamber. - Whoa, they had an actor on set, whoa. - They had an "Ocean's 11" sting ready.
- Whoa. - "Todd denied this, but when she called his phone, I gave her his number, and messed with Todd's phone to incriminate him. It didn't look good.
Lucy threw the ring back at Todd and left in tears. " - Oh. - "When Todd saw the smile on my face, he knew that it was me, and I didn't respond to a single call/text from him or my parents until after the honeymoon.
Lucy has thrown Todd's stuff out and has been denying access to their kid. Todd is furious and is demanding that I clear his name. I sent him a text saying that I had no idea what he was talking about, as well as a screenshot of a bill for the wedding, and gave a vague message demanding reimbursement for half of the wedding costs.
Michelle knew the whole time what I was planning and gave me the green light after Todd ruined her moment with her dad. So I felt pretty good. But now even Abby thinks I went too far.
Am I the asshole? For clarity, Abby is the sister, Michelle is OP's wife, and Lucy is Todd, the brother's, girlfriend. "The office white elephant gift exchange should not be mandatory.
I hate white elephant office gift exchanges. Every year, our team joins slash competes with two other groups on our floor. Participation isn't mandatory, but there's a distinct message of everyone is expected to be a part of this team-building exercise.
The combined group is large enough so anyone can add a gift anonymously. For the past few years, I have been secretly sabotaging the exchange in the hopes we'll switch to Secret Santa so I can opt out. My petty revenge, every year I contribute a nice gift obviously from me, along with one or two anonymously given bad gifts.
Every year, I get a little bolder and go a little farther. Here's what I've contributed for the past few years. 2021, I put a potato inside an iPhone box and shrink-wrapped it.
2022-" - Sick, dude! - Nice! "2022, a Bible from a used bookstore, a toy American flag, and a red MAGA hat I found in a parking lot.
The next day, HR sent an office-wide email about politics in the workplace. " - (laughs) That's funny. - That is actually really funny.
- "2023, toy handcuffs, a cheap eye mask, and a cat toy I modified to look like a riding crop. - Yeah, food. - Where is it?
- Our final story comes from r/NuclearRevenge. - Oh. (laughs) - Okay, this is spooky.
- This is as extreme of revenge as it can possibly get on Reddit. Look, this is probably gonna be too far for most of us, so let's just enjoy the ride. - Okay, buckling up.
- "She cheated on me, so I had a threesome with her former ex-boyfriend and the guy she cheated on me with. " (Shayne exhales) - (bleep) Bitches get money. - Yeah.
- Whoa. "She cheated on me, so I (bleep) every person possible. " (laughs) - "She cheated on me, so I (bleep) everyone in America.
" (Shayne laughing) - Yeah, yeah, what? - I (bleep) the entire state of Colorado. - Yeah.
(laughs) - "I (bleep) all of Colorado when she cheated on me. Nuclear. " - "Everyone meet me at Red Rocks.
We go. " (laughs) - "I caught her texting somebody else. I (bleep) everyone in our town.
" (all laughing) - "That wasn't for me. It was to go against her. " (all laughing) - That's what you did for revenge?
Revenge. Yeah. (laughs) - Yeah.
- Clip ends there. - Okay. All right.
