and that class is why humans are strictly forbidden from participating in Galactic Warfare Professor zix 9 concluded his tentacles waving dramatically a blue blob likee student in the back raised a gelatinous appendage but Professor I thought humans were banned because they're primitive and weak what's the real reason the professor's eye stalks twitched nervously well blowback it's complicated complicated how chirped Kiki a bird-like creature perched on her desk either there a threat or they're not which is it Professor zix n side a sound like air escaping from a balloon very well I suppose you're old enough
to know the truth it all started with the Great zorian War of 3576 the class leaned forward or at least those with the ability to lean did so the rest just kind of squished in anticipation the zor blans thinking themselves clever decided to recruit a few humans to their side you know as Canon fodder the professor chuckled a dry rattling sound oh how wrong they were blowbacks burbled excitedly did the humans get vaporized instantly if only zix n muttered no what happened next was well let's just say it redefined the term Overkill the students exchanged
confused glances which for some species involved literally removing and swapping eyeballs you see the professor continued humans have this quaint little concept called war crimes most species simply fight until one side is dead or surrenders humans they made a list of things that are too mean to do in war Kiki tilted her head that sounds Noble zix 9 let out a bark of laughter Oh you sweet summer hatchling no you're missing the point they made a list and then they did everything not on that list a collective gasp rippled through the classroom causing a minor
gravitational disturbance while the orians were busy congratulating themselves on their new primitive allies the humans were already three steps ahead they didn't just fight the war they scienced the hell out of it scienced blowback bubbled incredulously is that even a word it is now the professor said grimly the humans took one look at our standard issue plasma rifles and said neat toy watch this next thing we knew they were weaponizing black holes Kiki's feathers stood on end but but that's impossible oh my dear student zix n sighed when it comes to humans the word impossible
is more of a dare than a limitation they call it thinking outside the box we call it breaking the laws of physics and common decency the class sat in stunned silence trying to process this information while most of them sat blowbacks kind of oozed thoughtfully but surely a robotic student beeped from the front row our Superior your numbers would have numbers the professor interrupted with a hysterical giggle oh you poor naive calculator humans don't care about numbers they care about stories one of their military leaders once said quantity has a quality all its own the
humans took that as a personal challenge to prove him wrong the robots circuits nearly fried trying to compute that logic before we knew it zix 9 continued his voice dropping to a whisper they turned our own technology against us remember that shiny new faster than light drive we were so proud of they weaponized it how do you weaponize FTL travel Kiki asked both fascinated and horrified the professor's ey stalks drooped they called it the Yeet Cannon don't ask me what Yeet means I'm pretty sure it translates to war crime in their language blowback burbled nervously
but but we're safe now right the humans are contained on their home world zix 9 laughed a sound devoid of any Joy oh My Sweet Summer blob contained they agreed to stay on their Planet said something about taking a break to binge watch all of Netflix I don't know what that means but it sounds ominous the class collectively shuddered causing a small earthquake in the lecture hall so children the professor concluded his tentacles drooping with fatigue the next time someone tells you humans are banned from Galactic Warfare because they're weak remember this we didn't ban
them we begged them to stop and may the cosmic forces have mercy on us all if they ever get bored with their Netflix and decide to come out and play again as the students filed out of the classroom still dazed from the Revelation Professor zix 9 couldn't shake the feeling that somewhere out there on a little blue planet a human was smiling and that thought terrified him more than any black hole ever could zix 9 slumped into his chair his tentacles massaging his throbbing cranial Sachs he'd probably said too much but the students needed to
know the galactic Rumor Mill was getting out of hand and the last thing anyone needed was some hot shot young alien trying to prove themselves by picking a fight with Humanity a soft chime interrupted his brooding incoming transmission from Earth his desk computer announced the professor Froze all seven of his Hearts skipping a beat with trembling appendages he accepted the call a human face appeared on the screen grinning from ear to ear hey Prof long time no see zix 9's eye stalks Twisted into knots Captain Rodriguez to what do I owe this pleasure the human
smile widened if that was even possible oh you know just checking in on my favorite Xeno anthropology Professor how are the kids still filling their heads with horror stories about us big bad humans I I don't know what you mean zix 9 stammered his chromatophores cycling through a panicked rainbow Rodriguez laughed a sound that sent shivers down the professor's spinal Ridge come on Prof we both know you've got the classroom bugged standard procedure procedure right got to keep an eyee on the next generation of potential threats zix 9 deflated like a punctured balloon how long
have you known since we installed it for you Rodriguez winked that Faraday cage pure human Tech baby we just love our little jokes the professor's mind reeled all this time they'd thought they were being clever keeping tabs on potential threats and the humans had just let them for fun but why zix 9 managed to croak Rodriguez's expression softened just a fraction look Prof we get it we scare The Living Daylights out of you guys and honestly that's probably for the best keeps everyone on their toes you know so you're not planning to to to what
conquer the Galaxy please Rodriguez scoffed do you have any idea how much paperwork that would involve nah we're good where we are got plenty to keep us busy zix 9's tentacles unclenched slightly the Netflix you mentioned among other things Rodriguez nodded did you know we've started colonizing our own solar system Mars is coming along nicely we've even got plans for Europa the professor's eyes widened in horror but that's a protected Celestial body the galactic Council explicitly forbade forbade interfering with potential alien life yeah yeah Rodriguez waved dismissively but here's the thing Prof we are the
alien life to Europa at least it's all about perspective zix 9 felt a migraine coming on this was why dealing with humans was so maddening they didn't just think outside the box they folded the box into an origami swan and used it as a hat anyway Rodriguez continued cheerfully just wanted to give you a heads up we were thinking of sending a delegation to the next Galactic council meeting you know shake things up a bit the professor's coloration drained to a sickly pale but the ban oh that old thing Rodriguez grinned we're not coming as
a military force we're coming as what did you call it ah yes primitive allies just a bunch of harmless humans eager to learn from our Advanced Galactic neighbors zix 9 knew that look it was the same look humans had right before they turned a black hole into a game of cosmic golf don't worry Prof Rodriguez said his tone suspiciously soothing we'll be on our best behavior Scouts Honor he held up his hand in a gesture that zix 9 was pretty sure meant something very different in human culture as the transmission ended Professor zix 9 stared
blankly at the screen humans were coming to the galactic Council humans with their terrifying creativity and their blatant disregard for the laws of physics and Common Sense he needed a drink several drinks possibly all the drinks in the Galaxy as he stumbled out of his office he couldn't shake the feeling that the Universe was about to get a lot more interesting and in the grand Cosmic scheme of things things interesting was the most terrifying Prospect of all somewhere in the depths of space a black hole hiccuped and if zix 9 didn't know better he could
have sworn it sounded like human laughter three Galactic standard Weeks Later Professor zix 9 found himself fidgeting nervously in the grand atrium of the galactic Council headquarters the place was a buzz with activity representatives from thousands of species mingling in a cacophony of clicks whistles and pheromone releases can you believe it chirped Kiki who had somehow finagled her way into being zix 9's assistant for the event actual humans here the professor's tentacles Twisted into knots yes isn't it wonderful he managed his voice dripping with the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for root canal procedures a
hush fell over the crowd as the main doors swung open in Strode the human delegation looking for all the world like they were just popping down to the corner store for milk instead of attending the most important political gathering in the Galaxy leading the pack was none other than Captain Rodriguez sporting a that could probably be seen from orbit sup nerds he called out his voice echoing through the suddenly silent chamber zix 9 felt his chromatophores cycling through 50 Shades of mortified an arachnoid Diplomat scuttled forward mandibles clacking nervously welcome esteemed human delegates we are
honored by your presence Rodriguez's grin impossibly widened ah Shucks we're just happy to be here love what you've done with the place very Spacey the arachnoids compound eyes blinked in confusion I thank you as the humans spread out mingling with the other delegates zix 9 couldn't shake the feeling that he was watching a disaster unfold in slow motion he sidled up to Rodriguez trying to keep his voice low Captain I must insist that you Prof Rodriguez boomed slapping zix n on what he hoped was the alien back great to see you in the flesh or
whatever it is you've got under there the professor yes well about the council meeting oh don't you worry your pretty little eyes talks about that Rodriguez said with a wink we've got it all under control in fact we've brought a little presentation you're going to love it zix 9's Hearts sank the last time humans had given a presentation it had ended with three uninhabited solar systems being turned into an impromptu fireworks display as the council members took their seats Rodriguez sauntered to the center of the chamber esteemed delegates of the Galaxy he began his voice
taking on an uncharacteristically formal tone we come before you today with a proposal a proposal that will change the face of Galactic politics forever the chamber held its Collective breath or released spores or whatever the various species did when they were anxious Rodriguez paused for dramatic effect then said we want to join your Space Olympics for a moment there was silence then chaos erupted Preposterous bellowed a jovian gasping unthinkable shrieked a collective of psychic jellyfish what's an Olympic asked a confused sentient Rock Rodriguez held up his hands waiting for the commotion to die down now
now I know what you're thinking but humans you're barely out of your own solar system how could you possibly compete zix 9 felt a headache coming on that was not in fact what anyone was thinking they were all too busy having Collective panic attacks well Rodriguez continued we've been practicing and we think we're ready for the big leagues plus we've got a few new events to suggest he pulled out a small device and projected a hologram into the center of the chamber it showed a human in a space suit writing what appeared to be a
is that a black hole Kiki whispered her feathers standing on end we call it Cosmic surfing Rodriguez said proudly first one to ride the Event Horizon without getting spaghettified winds the arachnoid diplomats mandibles clacked rapidly but but that's impossible and highly illegal and and awesome Rodriguez suggested yeah we thought so too oh and wait till you see our plans for the neutron star javelin throw it's going to be lit literally as the chamber descended into pandemonium with delegates either fainting molting in stress or attempting to call their lobbyists zix 9 caught Rodriguez's eye the human
winked told you we'd be on our best behavior Prof This Is Us playing nice and in that moment as he watched the most powerful beings in the Galaxy reduced to a squabbling Mess by a few humans and their insane ideas Professor zix 9 had a revelation the Galaxy hadn't banned humans from Warfare because they were too dangerous they' done it because humans made everything else look boring in comparison as he slumped in his seat watching Rodriguez field questions about the safety protocols for quazar quad racing zix 9 couldn't help but Wonder was the Galaxy ready
for Humanity's special brand of chaos probably not but it was certainly going to be one hell of a show as as the galactic Council chamber devolved into a chaotic mess of shouting fainting and impromptu molting Professor zix 9 found himself being pulled aside by a grinning Captain Rodriguez come on Prof the human said his eyes twinkling with Mischief letun blow this Popsicle stand I've got something to show you before zix 9 could protest he was being dragged out of the chamber his tentacles flailing helplessly they made their way through winding corridors passing bewildered aliens left
and right where are we going going the professor managed to sputter Rodriguez's grin widened to the parking lot of course zix 9's eye stalks Twisted in confusion the what they burst through a set of doors into what appeared to be a massive hanger rows upon rows of sleek spacecraft stretched as far as the I could see and there in the middle of it all sat something that made zix 9's heart skip several beats it was a ship but unlike anything the professor had ever seen it looked like someone had taken a classic Earth muscle car
stuffed it full of impossible techn technology and then decided it wasn't ridiculous enough and added Wings meet the SS Hot Wheels Rodriguez said proudly patting the vehicle's gleaming Hood our latest and completely unnecessary but totally awesome transportation technology zix 9 stared his mouth a gape but how what oh this baby Rodriguez chuckled she's powered by pure audacity with a sight of quantum improbability zero to light speed in 3.7 seconds and check this out he pressed a button and suddenly the car ship was blasting what zix 9 recognized as ancient earth rock music at an earsplitting
volume the professor winced his sensory organs overwhelmed is that is that legal Rodriguez Shrugged probably not but hey that's never stopped us before want to take her for a spin before zix 9 could formulate a response which would have been a resounding no in at least 17 different languages they were interrupted by the arrival of Kiki who came barreling into the hanger her feathers and disarray professor she squawked the council they're they're losing their minds Rodriguez suggested helpfully keiki nodded frantically they're calling for an emergency vote something about preemptively surrendering to humanity to avoid any
future Cosmic sports related incidents zix 9 felt faint this was it the end of Galactic Civilization as they knew it all because humans couldn't resist turning the universe into their personal playground Rodriguez however looked thoughtful huh didn't see that coming usually takes at least three of our presentations before anyone starts waving the White Flag you you planned this zix 9 sputtered incredulously the human Captain had the decency to look slightly abashed well not exactly we were kind of hoping for a nice friendly Sports competition you know show off a little make some new friends maybe
accidentally rewrite the laws of physics once or twice the usual Kiki's beak fell open the usual yeah you know Rodriguez W dismissively like that time we turned Jupiter into a giant mood ring or when we used a pulsar to send Morse code messages across the Galaxy just good clean fun zix 9 felt a migraine coming on Captain I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation the galactic council is in chaos centuries of carefully cultivated diplomacy are unraveling as we speak and all because you wanted to to spice things up a bit Rodriguez offered
yeah we tend to have that effect but look on the bright side Prof at least no one's at War right the professor had to admit grudgingly that the human had a point the Galaxy was in an uproar yes but not a violent one more like a very confused slightly terrified but oddly exhilarated one suddenly alarms began blaring throughout the hangar Rodriguez's eyes lit up ooh sounds like the Afterparty is starting come on you two let's go see what kind of trouble we can get into now as they raced back towards the council chamber zix 9
found himself wondering wondering not for the first time if perhaps the universe wouldn't have been better off if humans had just stayed on their little blue planet binge watching their Netflix but then again as he watched Rodriguez charm a group of silicon-based life forms with Promises of extreme terraforming Sports the professor realized something the Galaxy might never be the same again but maybe just maybe that wasn't such a bad thing after all as the humans like to say why shoot for the stars when you could surf a black hole to get there and so as
the galactic Council prepared to welcome its newest most chaotic members Professor zix 9 braced himself for a future that was bound to be many things terrifying exhilarating and above all never ever boring the age of humanity had begun May the cosmos have mercy on us all as Rodriguez led the way back to the council chamber zix n and Kiki trailing behind like bewildered ducklings the professor couldn't shake the feeling that the Universe was about to tilt on its axis again they burst through the doors to find a scene that could only be described as orderly
chaos delegates from a thousand worlds were engaged in heated debates tentacles waving and tenny twitching and in one notable case a gaseous being was changing colors so rapidly it looked like a sentient disco ball at the center of it all stood a human woman her silver hair tied back in a non-nonsense bun calmly addressing the assembly as if she were discussing the weather rather than the fate of Galactic Civilization ah there you are Rod she called out as they entered I was beginning to think you'd taken the scenic route through a wormhole or something Rodriguez
grinned nah just showing the Prof here our new ride Ambassador Chen meet Professor zix 9 and his assistant Kiki guys meet the reason we haven't accidentally conquered half the Galaxy yet Ambassador Chen rolled her eyes flattery will get you everywhere captain now if you don't mind I'm in the middle of averting an Interstellar incident zix 9 LED in confusion but I thought the surrender Chen waved dismissively oh that minor misunderstanding turns out surrender in arcturian Sign Language looks a lot like let's party in baljian interpretive dance we've sorted it out now mostly added a nearby
translator Droid who looked like it was one Paradox away from a total systems crash Rodriguez clapped his hands together great so what' we miss any takers on the neutron star javelin throw before Chen could answer a booming voice echoed through the chamber we accept your challenge humans All Eyes turned to see a massive tentacled being slithering forward it was Ambassador corlex of the spilop podian collective known across the Galaxy for their unparalleled spatial awareness and ability to multitask with up to 27 limbs simultaneously Carle X's eyes all 17 of them gleamed with excitement your Cosmic
Sports Intrigue us we propose a contest our best against yours if we win you agree to tone down your enthusiasm for Galactic remodeling Rodriguez's eyebrows shot up and if we win the spilop podian tentacles wried in what might have been a shrug name your price human a hush fell over the chamber as everyone waited for Rodriguez's response zix 9 felt his Hearts racing this was it the moment that would decide the fate of the Galaxy would the humans demand unlimited access to restricted technology the rights to ter form uninhabited worlds a monopoly on black hole
manipulation Rodriguez stroked his chin thoughtfully then broke into a wide grin if we win you have to host the next Intergalactic Barbecue Cookoff the silence that followed was so profound you could have heard a quark drop I what krolock sputtered tentacles twitching in confusion you heard me Rodriguez said his grin widening wek talking the biggest baddest most delicious gathering this side of the Andromeda every species invited no diet restriction Left Behind we'll even throw in some recipes for squid dishes you know as a cultural exchange Ambassador Chen pinched the bridge of her nose muttering something
that sounded suspiciously like this is why we can't have nice solar systems Kur Al X however seemed intrigued a culinary contest instead of military might or technological Supremacy Rodriguez Shrugged why not you haven't lived until you've tried baby back ribs slow cooked in the radiative heat of a blue super giant as the spilop podian considered this murmurs of Interest began to Ripple through the crowd other species were chiming in offering their own culinary Specialties and suggesting potential venue planets zix n watched in amazement as the earlier tension dissolved into excited chatter about marinades and Grilling
techniques even Kiki was getting into it eagerly describing something called a seed cake to a group of silicon-based life forms you planned this didn't you the professor asked Rodriguez quietly the captain winked let's just say we found that nothing brings people together quite like the promise of good food and a killer party now if you'll excuse me I need to go explain the concept of s'mores to a hive mind this could take a while as Rodriguez waited into the crowd now buzzing with excitement over the prospect of an Intergalactic potluck zix 9 felt a strange
sensation wash over him it took him a moment to recognize it hope maybe just maybe the human's chaotic approach to Galactic diplomacy wasn't so bad after all after all who would have time for war when there were recipes to exchange and barbecue techniques to perfect as he watched Ambassador Chen calmly negotiating the terms of the Cookoff including a strict no sentient ingredients Clause zix 9 couldn't help but chuckle the Galaxy might never be the same but at least it would be well fed and who knows maybe somewhere out there amid the vast Cosmic barbecue that
the Universe was about to become they'd finally find the answer to life the universe and everything or at least the perfect marinade for arcturian Mega shrimp it was a start as the galactic Council chamber buzzed with excitement over the upcoming Intergalactic Barbecue Cookoff Professor zix 9 found himself swept up in a whirlwind of activity somehow he'd been appointed to the xenobiological dietary concerns subcommittee a position he wasn't entirely sure he'd volunteered for now about the methane breathers from Epsilon aradani Kiki chirped scrolling through a holographic checklist do we put them near the plasma grills or
the cryogenic coolers zix 9's tentacles nodded in concentration neither let's seat them next to the silicon-based life forms they can Bond over their shared love of rock music and inability to digest organic matter meanwhile across the room Captain Rodriguez was engaged in what appeared to be an intense debate with a group of energy beings from The Crab Nebula look he was saying gesturing wildly I get that you guys don't technically eat in the traditional sense but trust me you haven't lived until you've tried to absorb the essence of a perfectly smoked brisket one of the
energy beings flickered in what might have been confusion but Captain we sustain ourselves on pure radiation how could this brisket possibly ah ah Rodriguez interrupted waggling a finger that's quitter talk we'll figure it out maybe we can irradiate it or something I know a guy with a particle accelerator who owes me a favor Ambassador Chen overhearing this quickly interjected well what the captain means is that we'll work closely with your nutritionists to ensure a safe and enjoyable experience for all attendees as the preparations continued more and more species began to get into the spirit of
things the hive mind of beta centori offered to handle Logistics boasting that they could coordinate a million drones to create the Galaxy's largest Buffet line the Chrono Wares of the temporal expanse suggested a dishes throughout history theme promising to retrieve extinct Delicacies from various extinct civilizations after a Stern reminder about the no sensient ingredients rule of course even the notoriously standoffish void dwellers beings composed entirely of Dark Matter expressed interest in attending when asked how they plan to participate in a food-based event their Ambassador simply replied we'll bring the dark chocolate before disappearing in a
puff of gravitational lensing as the day wore on zix 9 found himself actually enjoying the chaos there was something oddly refreshing about seeing the Galaxy's most powerful beings argu passionately about marinade recipes and Grill temperatures instead of territorial disputes in arms races you know he mused to Kiki as they took a break from planning maybe the humans are on to something here Kiki tilted her head curiously what do you mean Professor zix 9 waved a tentacle at the bustling crowd look at them yesterday half of these species wouldn't even acknowledge each other's existence now they're
swapping recipes and arguing about the best way to caramelize sugar in zero gravity it is rather remarkable Kiki agreed her feathers ruffling in Amusement though I'm still not sure about the human insistence on something called a Koke contest after the main event before zix 9 could respond they were interrupted by a commotion near the center of the chamber Ambassador kurl X of the seop podian collective was engaged in what appeared to be an arm wrestling match with Rodriguez or rather a tentacle wrestling match if I win CX was saying multiple eyes narrowed in concentration you
have to agree to let us host the desert portion of the event in the gravity well of a neutron star the density variations will create flavor profiles unlike anything in the known universe Rodriguez his face red with exertion managed to grin and if I win you have to try my aunt Mable's Five Alarm Chile don't worry we'll provide fire extinguishers as the two continued their good-natured struggle with various alien dignitaries cheering them on zix 9 felt a tap on his shoulder he turned to find Ambassador Chen standing beside him a r smile on her face
quite a spectacle isn't it she said nodding towards the crowd zix 9 nodded still somewhat bewildered by it all I must admit Ambassador when you humans first suggested joining Galactic Society this isn't quite what I had in mind Chen chuckled oh Professor if there's one thing you should know about us by now it's that we never do anything quite the way anyone expects as if to punctuate her point a cheer erupted from the crowd Rodriguez had apparently won the match match and was now being hoisted onto the shoulders of several anti-gravity beings pumping his fists
in Triumph all right folks he shouted over the den who's ready to plan the Galaxy's biggest potluck I'm thinking we start with appetizers in the Orion Nebula and work our way out as the chamber once again dissolved into excited chatter and increasingly outlandish culinary suggestions zix 9 couldn't help but laugh the Galaxy would indeed never be the same but perhaps that wasn't such a bad thing after all after all he mused as he watched a group of telepathic fungi enthusiastically discuss the possibility of psychic wine tasting if this was Humanity's idea of Galactic diplomacy maybe
just maybe the universe was in for a treat literally and figuratively
