hey there everybody and welcome to this video on eight sides you may be toxic I'm your host Dr Donnelly Snipes in the past I've talked a lot about identifying signs of toxic relationships and dealing with toxic people but a lot of times I focused on dealing with others assuming that we are not the toxic ones but sometimes you know what we are the toxic ones so let's start out with what our toxic relationship behaviors well these are behaviors that develop through observation or sometimes necessity so when you were growing up if your parents were toxic
if they behaved in toxic ways or what some call emotionally immature ways then you may have learned that form of communication when you're born you're not learned you're that you're not born knowing how to communicate assertively you're not born knowing how to form healthy relationships you learn all this from your attachments and you start out learning this from your primary caregivers from your primary attachment and if they're toxic guess what you're going to learn toxic behaviors so sometimes you learn it through observation and sometimes you learn it through necessity and that goes back to those
toxic caregivers too sometimes you learn these behaviors as a method of staying safe as a method of surviving your environment and I'll give you examples as we go through toxic behaviors are still behaviors and may have been helpful or accepted in the past in what are usually toxic situations and this can be with caregivers or in other relationships or with friends unfortunately as a society right now there's a lot of toxicity so it's important to evaluate relationships on a case-by-case basis we also have to remember that behaviors are communication and toxic behaviors May indicate a
lack of trust if you feel threatened if you feel um vulnerable around someone you don't trust them to not hurt you to not abandon you then you may engage in these toxic behaviors you may engage in the these toxic behaviors to avoid abandonment or rejection I will be the chameleon that you want me to be just don't reject me or I am gonna you know be all about me and I'm not gonna care about you so if you reject me I don't care or they can serve for people who have a need to always be
in control because in the past when they weren't in control bad things happened so the first one we're going to talk about is boundary violations remember boundaries come in five different forms physical boundaries those are pretty obvious that is the space between me and you and people who violate your physical boundaries um repeatedly are can be toxic if they are well it's pretty obvious however with boundaries sometimes we have to tell people that's too close I need you to back up a little bit or you know please don't hug me that that just feels weird
I don't know you well enough for you to be in my space like that uh affective boundaries that's how we feel and when people tell us how we feel is wrong when they tell us how we should feel then that is violating our emotional boundaries that saying how you feel is wrong or I'm not going to listen to how you feel same thing with cognitive boundaries that's what you think about your opinions your thoughts your desires people who violate your cognitive boundaries are going to tell you you're wrong you're stupid or they're just not even
going to ask your thoughts they're going to tell you what to think and those are boundary violations and that's toxic environmental and and another boundary violation that's cognitive is gaslighting you know and that kind of goes along with telling you you're wrong you think something is one way and you're the toxic person tries to tell you it's another way so if you're one of those people that is regularly trying to tell people how to think how to feel or invading their boundaries then you might be being toxic environmental boundary violations and I see this a
lot in relationships and it even among families but also in personal relationships that's people's stuff people's space and that includes their phone and their email when you start snooping in people's stuff or borrowing or taking people's stuff without permission that's a boundary violation now sometimes it's not that big of a deal like if you borrow your significant other sweatshirt you know I think I have four or five of my husband's sweatshirts in my closet right now but other times it is a big deal like if you start trying to secretly go through your significant others
um email or text messages or you put a tracker on their phone and they don't know about it or maybe they even do know about it but they don't want it there you do it anyway that is a boundary violation and relational boundary violations this is telling somebody who they can and can't be friends with this is telling people how they should act in relationships instead of letting them be themselves so if you're constantly trying to mold how somebody behaves in relationships and you give them permission who to be friends with then that's a boundary
violation and usually a toxic Behavior now what I perceive as toxic may not be the same as what you perceive as toxic so or what your significant other perceives as toxic so it's important to communicate with your significant other about what their boundaries are and what feels like a boundary violation for them that way you know and if you insist on violating that boundary then you need to really ask yourself why what's going on here the function of boundary violations is usually safety where did it come from well a lot of times you may have
been in an environment where you learned that it's not safe to allow people space if you allow them space they will abandon you they will hurt you they will take advantage of you or you grew up in an environment where your boundaries were never respected so you don't you never learned how to respect anybody else's boundaries you know it could come from either place and it's important for you to look inside you and say is this something I learned from growing up in a toxic household or is this something I'm doing because I feel unsafe
or both so a tip Define your boundaries what do your boundaries look like have your significant other Define their boundaries and share what your boundaries are that way you're both on the same page don't assume that their physical boundaries are the same as yours or their um environmental boundaries are the same as yours you know maybe they were raised a slightly different way so it's important to communicate think about times your boundaries were violated and how you felt that gives you some perspective and then you can say well I wonder you can start extrapolating and
thinking about how your significant other might feel when their boundaries are violated when you feel the need to violate other people's boundaries like you just feel this undying urge that you've got to go check your significant other's text messages explore why what are you afraid will happen if you respect their boundaries if you don't go snooping or if you let them be friends with somebody that you find intimidating or threatening in some way um controlling is another toxic behavior only supporting your significant others if they do what you want them to do it's my way
or the highway or trying to make them see how they can't live without you so there are two different kind of shades of controlling one's more overt and the other one's more covert and again the function comes back to safety if I tell you this is the way it's got to be then I'm in control and if I'm in control then bad things are less likely to happen in the past when I haven't been in control bad things have happened or you're controlling because you were taught that you're you deserve to get your way all
the time so you tell people how it's going to be because you feel entitled to get your way so this could happen because the only time you were safe was when you were in control or because your caregivers were hyper controlling maybe your caregivers told you what to do and that's how you learn to interact with others this is how I'm supposed to behave I'm supposed to tell other people what they're supposed to do what they're supposed to think how they're supposed to feel or you grew up in an environment where controlling others was rewarded
you were told that you deserve to get your own way all the time so make it happen tips notice your controlling behaviors for a week and try to identify their benefit when you start being controlling ask yourself why am I doing this to what end explore what would realistically happen if the other person was in control or you quit micromanaging now for a lot of people that's terrifying it's like wow if I if I let go of The reigns a little bit you know all hell's gonna break loose and maybe that's true or maybe it's
not what facts do you have what do you know and just intentionally start asking your significant others their opinions and thoughts it goes a long way to reducing the amount of control you're trying to exert if you start getting other people's input instead of being a CEO in an ivory Tower somewhere you're part of a team that makes team decisions help us continue to make practical tools available to everyone by supporting the channel you can donate any amount at docsnipes.com donate or at Cash app at Doc Snipes become a member of the YouTube channel at
docsnipes.com join purchase a super thanks on videos that are particularly helpful or even earned your continuing education at all ceus.com another toxic behavior is jealousy now remember jealousy is a form of anger anger at somebody for having something you want or threatening to take something you have so jealousy represents a reaction to a threat if you're um jealous of other people your significant other is around you may fear abandonment or you may selfishly be demanding attention and time it's like no I want you to spend all your time with me so we want to look
at why is it that you can't spend time alone what's scary about being alone another toxic form of jealousy is being jealous of your significant other successes or your friend's successes if their successes make you feel threatened you want to explore that that generally indicates a low self-esteem or a um esteem that's based on what you do instead of Who You Are their success makes you angry because you feel entitled so if your significant other gets a promotion and a raise and you know that's wonderful awesome for them but instead of being happy for them
you're like I've been working just as hard and I have more education so I deserve to make more money and I should have gotten a promotion by now and I should have done this that's toxic that's really toxic that undermines your significant others joy and their success the function of jealousy could be grief you know you could be grieving the fact that you're not getting your way your dreams are not coming true and theirs are and so being jealous is the anger part of that grieving process and and it's important to look at that jealousy
can also come from entitlement if you feel entitled to something or if you're afraid that you're going to lose something and you need to have it it can come from being angry about things that you were deprived of you know looking around at other people who have who have stuff that you want and being angry because you feel like you should have had that you should have had that childhood you should have had that opportunity uh and it can just come from you know feelings of uh fear of abandonment so notice you're controlling behaviors for
a week and or your jealous behaviors for a week and try to identify their benefit when you get jealous what are you afraid of what is the threat how is it how is that jealousy in some way protecting you explore what would realistically happen if you trusted the other person and you were happy for them you were just genuinely happy for them instead of being jealous if you use them maybe as you know a model something to work towards hey they have this if they got did it then I can do it too instead of
looking at it and going well they have that I deserve it and then not wanting to work toward it or being angry about it you know there's a different approach frequent lying is another toxic behavior and sometimes people lie to make themselves look better they may talk about things that actually never happened because they want to seem more important or more valuable or more lovable or they may lie to make excuses for things they did wrong because they're afraid if they're imperfect that they'll be rejected or they may lie to try to make the other
person jealous in order to avoid rejection you know I'm gonna I'm gonna lie and tell you um about how things are going so wonderful in my life so you can want to be with me lying often is designed to help people feel safer either from abandonment I'm going to make myself look good so you won't ever leave me or from harm if I tell you the truth then I might get severely punished sometimes lying is just quite honestly because you've learned that if you lie you can get your own way where does it come from
well maybe the only time you were loved was when you were what other people wanted you to be so you figured out how to create these stories in order to be more lovable or maybe you lied in order to appease your caregivers who may have been very controlling and very critical so you figured out that you needed to lie in order to fly under the radar in order to avoid punishment so notice your lying behaviors what's the motivation for them when you lie each time you lie think to yourself why did I just do that
what are you afraid would have happened if you told the truth what will be the consequences of lying in the relationship if you get caught and this is true whether you're talking about lying to your boss or lying to your significant others or whatever in terms of toxic generally we're talking about you know humans or individuals self-centeredness is another toxic Behavior always thinking about what you want first when it comes time to go on a family vacation you think about what you want when it comes time to go out to dinner you pick the restaurant
because you know what you want to eat when it when you're wanting to move you decide where the whole family is going to live based on what's most important to you you're oblivious to the other person's thoughts wants and needs or you just don't care you're looking around going yeah it's about me and if you're not happy you need to figure out how to how to fix that but I'm taking care of me or assuming their thoughts want wants and needs are the same as yours assuming for example that they want to move to the
city and live in a walkable Community with no yard or assuming that they want to move to be closer to your family um anytime you assume that is self-centered and that self-centeredness is a very toxic Behavior so again what's the function of self-centeredness well you don't get hurt if you don't care about others if you are worried only about you and you feel like you know what nobody else is going to do it for me I'm going to do it for myself you're going to get your way you're going to theoretically satisfy your own needs
and it can feel much less threatening it can feel much less vulnerable where did it come from well a lot of people learn to be self-centered because either they were taught to be entitled they were taught that their thoughts wants needs were more important than anybody else's or because nobody else met their needs and if they wanted to get their needs met if they wanted food in their belly if they wanted Comfort if they wanted whatever they had to do it themselves so they learned to look out for number one tips make a list of
10 times that you have been self-centered what could you have done differently to be more other centered or be more compassionate and these can be simple things like if you decided to go out on a date and instead of asking your date what they wanted to do you told them what to do or uh you decided for the family what you were going to do for a family vacation instead of getting input what are the positive and negative consequences of self-centeredness now here's a tip we don't do things and continue to do things unless there's
a benefit so there is a benefit you need to look at what the benefits and the drawbacks are and decide for yourself are you motivated to be less self-centered if you are then start each day envisioning how you're going to be less self-centered so think about okay when I get up um I'm gonna go downstairs and hey you know what I'm gonna make coffee today so everybody has it when they get up I'm going to say good morning to people when I walk into the office I'm going to blah blah blah um I'm gonna I'm
gonna use the uh barista's name when I order my coffee at the coffee shop whatever it is but being less self-focused and more aware of what's going on around me and trying to make an impact on that and then at the end of each day review how you did how many of those things that you wanted to do that day to be less self-centered were you successful in doing for most people they start out strong first two three four tasks of the day they knock those out then by the time we get to work or
maybe lunch time if it's a really good day they're back on autopilot that's okay that is okay you started out strong that's progress so setting small goals so next time you know maybe next week you make it past lunch and then the week after that you're carrying that other centeredness into the evening when you get home poor communication is another toxic Behavior passive aggressive behavior is often being passive and saying okay it's fine whatever but not really meaning it and then holding on to resentment when the person takes you at your word you said it
was fine so I'm not going to change it or I'm not going to address it and then you get angry about it and you just hold on to that anger and resentment that's toxic because that anger and resentment ends up coming out it bleeds out in your behaviors and your non-verbals and sometimes in your words or you may be aggressive and not willing to listen and aggressiveness is a behavior that comes out when we feel angry or when we feel threatened so thinking back again in what way is that aggressive behavior protecting you and mind
reading and expecting mind reading is your third example of poor communication when you assume you know what other people are thinking and you act on that that's toxic that is not respecting them and their thoughts wants and needs and when you expect mind reading it's not it mind reading is not possible so when you expect it then you're expecting them to just know things when you haven't told them and that's not fair that setting that's creating an unwinnable situation and that's toxic many people will engage in all three of these communication um problems the function
keeps you safe you learned that aggressive behavior helps you get your way helps you control things help you stay safe you've learned that passive aggressive behavior in certain situations prevents you from punishment you know if you don't stand up for something then you won't be rejected or you won't be punished or it lets you get your way where did it come from well a lot of times poor communication happens because it wasn't safe to have needs or thoughts other than your caregivers when you were growing up so you learn not to have those and you're
passive about everything but then you felt angry and alone and resentful or you learned through observation or experience that aggression worked so if it worked for you you used it you got what you wanted in the moment but what was the ultimate consequence to the relationship or relationships and then the whole mind reading thing if you grew up in a family especially in a family with someone with a mental health issue or an addiction a lot of times you were expected to walk on eggshells you were expect to anticipate their every need or bad things
were going to happen so mind reading may have been something you learned to try to do to stay safe so tips notice your communication Style just start becoming aware of how am I communicating with this person about this issue at this time think about three things you've been passive about and then held resentment because you didn't get your needs met what were the consequences of being passive of not asserting your needs and then nurturing that resentment and what are some alternative ways that you could have responded in that situation likewise think about three times you've
been aggressive because most people again aren't always one way or the other what were the consequences in the Long Haul of your of your aggressiveness in the short haul you may have gotten your own way but in the long haul how did it impact your relationship what might have been some Alternatives What Might Have Been a different way to handle that that it would have been um that that wouldn't have violated that other person's boundaries when you're aggressive you are just smashing their boundaries whatever you're being aggressive about you're taking away their power and that's
a boundary violation blaming and victimhood examples not taking responsibility for your part in a situation or using guilt to manipulate another person if you would have done this then I wouldn't have had to do that blaming in victimhood is all often learned in order to avoid punishment if I blame other people then I'm not going to have to take the punishment to get your own way if I blame you if I make you feel guilty then I can get you to apologize for something I did and victimhood sometimes get gets other people to do things
for you when you are taking that victim role it is my life has been so bad I am completely helpless and Powerless and it's all your fault or all the fault of people like you so you need to do something to fix it this can come from learning from observation or experience of being the blamer or the blame me you can learn through experience that if you blame other people for things that if if you say you know I feel bad and it's your fault if I blame you for for it then I can manipulate
you with guilt oh that's a power move it's also a boundary violation so by blaming other people for my misfortunes that I am taking on that victim stance so if I've tried that and it's worked then I might continue to doing it continue doing it but at what cost if you're the blame me if you are the one who's been guilted and manipulated you may have learned that this is an appropriate way to get what you want and this happens a lot in Dysfunctional households in toxic households where the children are blamed for a lot
of things and they learn not to take responsibility because they the grown-ups don't take responsibility so the kids learn well this is how we're supposed to do it we're supposed to disavow responsibility and blame it on other people so tips well unfortunately you had a part so you need to take responsibility one of the mentors I worked with when I was in Community Mental Health used to call it the three-finger rule when you point your finger at somebody you've got three fingers pointing back at you so what was your part it wasn't all you but
it probably wasn't all them either so what part do you need to take responsibility for find Solutions instead of focusing on problems or expecting others to do it for you if something happened and it's unfortunate okay well it sucks and they may have had a part you may have had a part but rehashing things that already happened probably not going to be super helpful so what's the solution to prevent it from happening again for example if somebody in your household gets sick and they come you know come home and they're just snotting all over everywhere
and they get everybody else in the house sick well okay their part was being little germ factories your part was maybe poor personal hygiene getting too close to them but um complaining and blaming and guilting them for the fact that you got sick is not going to make you get healthy just not so instead asking all right I know this person is going to get sick in the future and I don't want to get sick in the future so what can we do in the future and then sitting down and having a conversation about you
know when I really don't like getting sick and it would be helpful when you get sick if you would do x y and z and I will do you know a b and c that way we can prevent this problem in the future so focusing on the solution instead of just blaming and picking and covetching about the problem same thing is true for finances for example but I digress explore the consequences of blaming and victimhood you know think about if you've been blamed for stuff in the past how did it make you feel personally and
how did it make you feel toward that person and how did it make you feel about staying in the relationship with that person most of us it don't want to be in a relationship with somebody who's constantly blaming us guilting us manipulating us and superiority and judgmentalism this may come out as hey you should be grateful you married up or constantly criticizing others to make yourself look better or holding grudges when other people make a mistake or don't do what you think they should be doing our society is very judgmental um and what is the
saying you shouldn't throw stones uh people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones um we need to be careful about asserting superiority or judging others but what's the function well if I'm superior then I'm on a pedestal and I can feel good about myself so that goes back to kind of that self-centeredness but I am feeding my own ego to try to feel safe to try to feel acceptable or maybe I'm trying to prove to others that I'm lovable I'm superior so you've got to love me you've got to admire me and if you
do that then I'm acceptable and I'm more lovable than that person over there who makes these mistakes you know they're imperfect where did you learn this Behavior well if your caregivers always treated you as Superior and put all your classmates down and told you that you were the best and that you were entitled and regularly criticized other people they were constantly talking about the neighbors and their friends and you know the mistakes they made and the drama they had going on well then guess what you probably learned that behavior you that was normal in your
household um so there are most of the time superiority and judgmentalism are learned behaviors but they also as I mentioned could be used as a means of um putting a wall around ourselves or putting us up putting ourselves up on a pedestal where we feel safe from others where we don't feel like others will bring us down and um trample all over us and this one can be hard pay attention to how you interact with others if you feel the need to be judgmental or assert superiority explore why you need to take another person's power
why do you need to steal the Limelight at the dinner why do you need to prove you're smarter than this other person over here or you're smarter than your significant other okay here's the hard part argue the opposite argue if you're trying if you're feeling like you're Superior argue all the reasons that they are every bit as good as you are that you're equals and why their way may why their way might be right if you're being judgmental about what they're doing you know they didn't do it your way okay well step back and argue
why their way is right or and or try compassion if you dislike somebody's what somebody is doing instead of judging them for what they're doing saying oh they shouldn't be doing that or I I don't I could never do that that's just far below me all right well instead of being judgmental step back and think of three we three reasons why that behavior might be that person's only option toxic behaviors were learned at some point and may have served a purpose in a toxic situation generally to either prevent harm or abandonment or be accepted by
toxic significant others recognizing your toxic behaviors their function and the consequences in the scheme of your relationship is the first step to developing healthier relationships
