I told him I wasn't attracted to him anymore while I was drunk when I woke up this happened if I could turn back time and give myself a slap I wouldn't think longer than a second hello guys my name is Emily I am a female 30 years old and my husband is Luke a male 35 years old and we have been together for 3 years I don't even know where to start with this so maybe all I can do is just let it out let me warn you UPF front this is not one of those
movies where at the end of the movie Everything begins to go well as if everything had a silver lining it is ugly shameful and entirely my doing let me start by saying that I love my husband or at least I thought I did Luke is one of the kindest most hardworking men I've ever met he runs his own small business and even though he's not the flashy type he's the kind of guy you can depend on the kind of guy who remembers your favorite coffee order without asking and stays up late helping you with stuff
you didn't even realize you needed help with but I'm not here to brag about him actually the reason I'm here is because I managed to ruin everything we had all of it it all started last Friday my night out happened in the evening after work and that was what I considered as a girl's night out there was wine beer Spirits just about everything being served and to be truthful I was a little tipsy by the time I got home I was feeling High both from alcohol and from I don't know bitterness insecurity who even knows
what goes on in your head in 5 minutes Luke was waiting for me when I got home he'd stayed up late because he wanted to make sure I got back safe and what did I do instead of thanking him I looked him straight in the eyes and said I'm not even attracted to you anymore yeah I know what kind of person says that to their husband the worst part I didn't even know I said it in the first place that morning I woke up with blurred vision and indistinct thoughts feeling like my head was going
to burst into flames and Luke was sitting on the edge of the bed looking at the carpet as though his heart had been ripped out of his chest his first words to me is this what you really think of me and that is when it all fell apart Luke and I met about 4 years ago at this little cafe downtown where he worked as a manager I still remember the first time I saw him he was standing behind the counter wearing this plain button-up shirt and the kind of tired smile that told me he'd had
a long day I wouldn't call it Love at First Sight it wasn't anything like that he wasn't my type at all I mean he was cute in a way but not in the tall fit Charming way that usually caught my attention Luke was different quiet Dependable honestly just a bit ordinary I did not pay much attention to him at first we exchanged a few words one day when I went in in during lunchtime he saw that I had left the napkins behind and instead of passing them to me he cracked this little joke saying that
either I'm saving the world now or something it wasn't something hilarious or anything but at least I laughed of course I suppose that's where it all originated or began at the time I wasn't really looking for a relationship I just come out of a messy breakup with this guy who looking back was all looks and no substance my friends were always teasing me about my bad taste in men and one of them even said Emily maybe it's time to stop going for the flashy guys and find someone who actually treats you right I guess Luke
fits the bill he wasn't flashy or overly confident but he had this way of making you feel safe several weeks went by while both of us would visit the cafe occasionally to buy coffee and he once invited me out that is right I recalled even taking some time to think before responding yes although I didn't know whether I was physically attracted to him or not I said to myself why not I was done with always searching for men who are infatuated with me but have no regard for me as a person and Luke he cared
it was quite clear immediately we dated for about a year and a half before he proposed it wasn't anything Grand no big romantic gestures or fancy dinners he just took me to our favorite Park one afternoon pulled out a ring and saidou my best friend I can't imagine life without you will you marry me it wasn't the kind of proposal you'd see in a movie but it felt right so I said yes the whole first year of our marriage was fine great even Luke was all the things that I believed I needed in a boyfriend
he was indeed a good friend very dependable friendly and would always find time for me despite his job becoming hectic I'd never felt more loved yet somewhere along this process the slide began I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened but little cracks began to show it wasn't like we were fighting all the time or anything it was more subtle than that I started noticing things I hadn't before like the way his shirts didn't fit quite right or how he never seemed interested in working out I told myself it didn't matter but part of me wondered
if I'd settled too soon looking back I cannot say when it happened but at some point I started to perceive Luke differently this was not like he suddenly transformed into a completely different person or did something wrong that I would find disagreeable he remained the same good-natured man I wedded but something in me shifted perhaps it was the numerous brunches that I have had with my friends things like who have you seen how much weight I bench pressed today or Evan took me to the weekend getaway without asking check how healthy he is in this
Photograph then they'd turn to me and I would see that that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach don't get me wrong Luke was great in a lot of ways but in those moments all I could think about was how we didn't fit the Picture Perfect Image I wanted I'd scroll through Instagram and see couples smiling at the gym or on exotic vacations then I'd look at the few pictures I had with Luke he wasn't photogenic he always looked stiff and his clothes never seemed to sit right it wasn't fair but I started wishing
he looked different taller fitter more something instead of appreciating him I began to find Petty insignificant things to quarrel about for example if he wore a shirt too tight on the belly I'd tell him just maybe that shirt is too tight sweetheart or if you went back for more at the table I would chuckle well you are certainly making up for it tonight I was thinking I was clever now I see those little remarks probably really hurt him more than I understood Luke noticed the change of of course he wasn't oblivious he'd ask is everything
okay with us or you've been kind of quiet lately I'd brush it off every time I'm just tired or work's been stressful the truth is I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling because it didn't make sense even to me I loved Luke or at least I thought I did but in my head I was building this version of him that didn't exist and every time he fell short of that imaginary standard I got more frustrated things started to snowball I began to focus so much on all his moves as if I had
developed a paranoid attitude towards him if he sat on the couch too long I would think to myself why doesn't this man exercise if he discussed what happened at work I'd glaze over just as fast it was too mundane and uninteresting for television it was ridiculous I know that now but at the moment I couldn't stop myself I was comparing him to men that resided in my imagination men that I had probably never met in real life it didn't help that my friends weren't shy about sharing their opinions one time after brunch my friend Jenna
pulled me aside and said Emily you're gorgeous you could have ended up with anyone and you chose Luke not to be rude but don't you ever think you settled I laughed it off but her words stuck with me did I settle was I trying too hard to convince myself that Luke was enough Luke wasn't perfect but he didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated him I began putting a relational space between us without consciously deciding to do so I would sit around with friends or just occupy myself on social networks liking pictures of
happy couples and thinking we clearly aren't that if ever Luke attempted to set a date night I would come up with reasons I am tired or perhaps next week no it was not the geographical space that began to matter I started emotionally to distance myself one night he asked me Point Blank do you still love me I froze I wanted to say yes but the words caught in my throat instead I said something vague like of course I do why would you even ask that he didn't push but the look on his face told me
he wasn't convinced that was Luke's thing he never pushed he was calm patient and understanding but instead of appreciating that I started seeing it as weakness I wanted him to fight for me to demand answers but he didn't he just let me pull away and in my Twisted mind I blamed him for that too I am not sure how I came out with such feelings perhaps I was self-actualizing him perhaps I was attempting to ruin the best thing that I have ever had because in my heart I believed that I didn't deserve it that is
all I know the more I tried to make sure that we remained out of each other's lives the more Luke struggled to let me go and the more he clung the more I yearned to escape that night started like any other another girl's night my friends and I had planned to meet up at a bar downtown just to catch up and unwind after a long week it wasn't supposed to be a big deal just a drink or two maybe some laughs and then home by midnight but somewhere along the way one drink turned into three
then four and before I knew it I'd completely lost track of how much I'd had the music was loud the conversations were flowing and honestly I wasn't thinking about anything except how nice it felt to not worry about my life for a change what I didn't realize was that I was a complete wreck by the time I got home that night after quarter past midnight I could hardly stand let alone reason properly Luke was still up when I drunkenly made my way inside like he always did he had to wait until I got home safely
that's the kind of person he is very reliable and instead of even saying thank you to him or responding to the gentleman courteously I did the unthinkable worst I don't remember exactly how it happened but I know I was slurring my words my emotions bubbling over in a way that only happens when you've had too much to drink at some point I looked at him and said you're not even attractive to me anymore just like that no context no explanation just those cruel cutting words all I can recall is waking up the next morning with
a terrible headache and with the same feeling of regret in my mouth initially I didn't see anything wrong I thought that it was just another hangover another day of the week another cease to another day however physical strength became sharp and entirely unexpected especially when I entered the kitchen to discover the true attitude of Luke he was not in his High Spirit as was expected from him no good morning no preparation of coffee he just sat there silent and cold and I was wondering if we had not met either or if we did and he
could just scrap the relationship he barely spoke to me and when he did it was short and clipped I asked him if something was wrong and he just looked at me like I was a stranger that's when it started to sink in something had happened something bad it was not until the end of the day when I gathered my courage to ask him directly that he could repeat what I was saying he didn't yell or get angry that's not who Luke is all he could do was stare at me with those shocked eyes as if
I had just slapped him and say do you really think that about me what do you have to tell me that you are not interested in I felt like the air had been sucked out of the room my first instinct was to deny it to tell him it wasn't true but how could I I didn't even remember saying it and the fact that those words had come out of my mouth drunk or Not Meant there had to be some truth to them right I tried to explain myself to brush it off as just the alcohol
talking but Luke didn't buy it and honestly I couldn't blame him the day Luke asked me if I actually meant that if I am not sexually attracted to him I froze he just sat there stunned and my mind blanked on what to say how to make up for the horrible thing I had just said after what seemed to be an eternity I murmured an apology saying it was just the liquor talking I didn't mean it but I said that and even as I was saying it I felt how feeble it actually was Luke didn't yell
or argue that almost made it worse worse he just nodded slightly like he was processing what I said and replied I need some time to think then he walked away leaving me standing there in the kitchen with a pit growing in my stomach that was Luke calm and composed even when he was clearly hurt and instead of making me feel relieved it made me feel worse the next several days were odd would be the most accurate way to describe it at this juncture Luke didn't mention it again but everything was different he was just cutting
me off and building some sort of wall between us as if it was the most natural thing in the world overnight he began to go to work early and return late at night with a line that he had a lot of business to handle at home he limited his communication with me to that which was absolutely essential the little things that I used to cherish such as him inquiring how my day was or even sharing some petty thing he had seen at work it's like was there physically but checked out emotionally he stopped asking about
my day stopped laughing at my jokes he wasn't rude or mean but his silence was deafening every glance felt colder every response more distant it's hard to explain but it was like living with the ghost of the person I'd married the guilt began to set in each time I would look at him and it began consuming Me little by little it had been more than what I had told and said that night alone it was about everything the way I'd let resentment build up the little Digs at his appearance the emotional distance i' created long
before this happened and now I was paying for it I tried to fix things I cooked his favorite meals even though I was terrible at cooking I'd leave little notes in his lunch bag like I used to do when we first got married one night I even tried to initiate intimacy hoping it would bridge the gap between us but every time he just gave me this sad tired look like he wanted to say something but couldn't and then he'd say I'm not in the mood or maybe another time it hurt but I couldn't blame him
I'd started this mess that stress was not missed by anyone around including those watching from behind the scenes actually my friends noticed it almost right away or at least the more observant ones did once I recall during one of the brunches Jenna asked turning to me like is everything all right between you and Luke you seem off I referred to it as a phase to which she just asked if we were breaking up but the look on her face didn't seem to believe it a few days later frustrated I finally told her about it if
that is the best way to describe it I explained to her the night that I got drunk the things that I uttered and the developments which followed that night Jenna didn't sugarcoat it Emily you should have been more careful she said her voice low so the other girls wouldn't hear you know Luke's sensitive guy stuff like that especially coming from you sticks with him you need to fix this before it's too late I nodded but her words only added to the weight on my chest I knew she was right but how do you fix something
when the other person has already started pulling away the silence was the worst part he did not scream at me did not argue did not say a single word that could be translated into an accusation directed at me he just existed and in a way that stung worse than if he'd exploded it was as if there had been a silent agreement between us that I was not worth turning his head around for that realization crushed me I started overthinking every little thing I did if I laughed at a TV show we were watching I'd glance
at him to see if he was annoyed if I asked him about his day and got a one-word answer I'd wonder if I'd pushed too hard it felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own home constantly trying to prove to to him and maybe to myself that I was still the person he fell in love with one night I tried to bring up the conversation again hoping we could finally clear the air Luke I started cautiously about the other night I'm really sorry I but before I could finish he cut me off Emily
I've heard your apologies I just need time okay his tone wasn't harsh but it was Final I nodded and dropped it but inside I felt like I was losing him more with every passing day I kept telling myself that I just needed to be patient that he'd come around eventually but deep down I wasn't so sure something had shifted between us and I didn't know if it could ever go back to the way it was it was a Friday night and I just couldn't handle the silence anymore Luke had barely spoken to me all week
and when he did it was as if every word took effort the house felt suffocating I knew I was the reason for all of it but I didn't know how to fix it so instead of staying home and facing the mess I'd created I decided to go out I told myself I just needed a breather a night to clear my head but deep down I knew I was running away I texted Jenna to meet me at the bar but she had plans with her husband figures right everyone seemed to have it together except me I
went alone telling myself it wasn't a big deal just a drink or two and then I'd head back home but once I got there the loneliness hit me like a brick wall the couple's laughing the groups of friends clinking glasses it all made me feel so small I ordered a drink then another trying to drown out the guilt that wouldn't stop gnawing at me that's when he showed up I didn't notice him at first but he slid onto the bar stool next to me and said you look like you've had a long day he had
this easy smile the kind that makes you feel like you're the only person in the room he wasn't overly handsome but he carried himself with confidence I couldn't help but smile back we started talking and it was so effortless he asked about my job laughed at my stupid jokes and told me I had the prettiest smile he'd seen all night it was such a stark contrast to the cold silence I'd been living with at home I knew I shouldn't have been entertaining it but for the first time in weeks I felt seen as the night
went on the drinks kept coming and the line between innocent conversation and something more began to blur he wasn't aggressive or pushy just Charming in a way that made me feel wanted at one point he leaned in closer and asked do you want to step outside it's getting loud in here I hesitated but eventually nodded I told myself it was harmless we were just going to talk outside the cool night air hit me like a wakeup call but it wasn't enough to stop what happened next we stood by his car talking and laughing and he
said something about how he couldn't believe someone like me was out alone I don't even know what came over me but before I knew it I was leaning in and so was he and then we kissed it wasn't a passionate movie worthy kiss it was clumsy and fueled by a mix of alcohol and bad decisions but in that moment it felt like everything I'd been craving attention validation a break from the weight of my guilt it felt wrong but I didn't stop the sound of a car pulling up broke the spell I pulled away laughing
nervously and turned to see who it was and there he was Luke he was sitting in his car just watching us my heart sank he didn't get out or yell or do anything dramatic he just sat there with this look on his face disappointed almost disgusted I'll never forget the way he looked at me like I was someone he didn't even recognize the guy I'd been talking to noticed my reaction and followed my gaze do you know him he asked looking between Luke and me I stammered that's my husband his face immediately dropped he took
a step back and muttered I didn't know you were married I wouldn't have but I wasn't listening anymore my focus was on Luke I started walking toward his car panicking Luke wait I called out but he didn't say a word he just rolled up the window and drove off leaving me standing there in the middle of the parking lot like an idiot the guy from the bar tried to apologize again but I waved him off just go I said barely holding it together he didn't argue and quickly disappeared back into the bar I was alone
my heart racing my mind spinning with all the ways I'd screwed up I couldn't believe what I'd just done I got in my car and tried calling Luke but he didn't answer I must have called him five or six times but nothing by the time I got home his car wasn't in the driveway the house was dark and his keys were gone that's when it hit me I might have just destroyed the last bit of trust he had in me and this time I didn't didn't think I could fix it the next morning I woke
up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck my head was pounding my stomach was in knots and the events from the night before were playing on a loop in my mind I barely got any sleep after what happened I kept hoping Luke would come home that maybe he'd cool off and we could talk it out but he never did when I walked into the kitchen there he was sitting at the table with his arms crossed he looked like he hadn't slept either but his face was too calm that was Luke's thing he didn't explode
or yell when he was upset he just got quiet and if there's one thing I've learned it's that silence can be so much worse before I could even say anything he looked up at me and said we need to talk his voice was steady but his words felt like a punch to the gut I sat down across from him my hands trembling and tried to find the right thing to say but before I could open my mouth he started you made it clear last night that you don't respect me or our marriage he said his
tone cold but controlled you've been pulling away for months Emily I've been trying to ignore it hoping we could work through it but what I saw last night he paused his jaw tightening that was the final straw I felt my throat close up Luke it wasn't what it looked like I swear I didn't mean for any of that to happen my voice cracked and I could feel the tears starting to well up I was just don't he cut me off holding up his hand don't make excuses you kissed another man you chose to do that
Emily and even if you didn't mean for it to happen it did and I can't come back from that I broke down the weight of everything crashing over me I'm so sorry I sobbed I messed up I know I did but I love you luke please just let me make it right he shook his head and for the first time I saw his eyes glisten though he didn't let a single tear fall I gave you everything I had and it still wasn't enough I don't even know who you are anymore I hope you find whatever
you're looking for but it won't be with me those words hit harder than anything he could have yelled at me I wanted to argue to plead with him but I could see it in his face he was done this wasn't just anger or hurt this was final he stood up and walked toward the door I'll pack my things and move out by the end of the week he said his voice steady but distant I'll have my lawyer contact you about the separation Luke please I begged following him to the door don't do this I'll do
anything to fix it just tell me what to do he turned to look at me one last time his expression blank you can't fix this Emily you broke it and I'm not staying to pick up the pieces and then he was gone the days that followed were some of the worst of My Life True to his word Luke packed his things and moved out by the end of the week he didn't argue or fight he didn't even ask for anything except his clothes and a few personal items the house felt empty without him and I
spent most of my time crying replaying every mistake I'd made in my head when his lawyer reached out about the separation it felt like the final nail in the coffin Luke wasn't dragging things out or leaving room for reconciliation he was cutting ties plain and simple I signed the papers in a days barely able to process what was happening I tried reaching out to him a few times after he moved out hoping he'd at least agree to talk but every call went straight to voicemail and every text went unanswered it was like I'd become a
stranger to him someone he wanted no connection to and honestly I couldn't blame him I had disrespected him our marriage and everything we built together I thought I was trying to fix us but all I did was push him further away and now I was left alone staring at the wreckage of a life I destroyed with my own hands update it's been a little over 6 months since Luke walked out of my life and honestly not a day goes by where I don't think about how badly I screwed things up he's moved on now and
from what I've heard he's doing better than ever he's dating someone new who's not only drop dead gorgeous but also seems to genuinely make him happy I caught a glimpse of her once by accident when I ran into them at the grocery store she was laughing at something he said and he looked free like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders he's thriving opening a new business and from what I hear she treats him like a king meanwhile I'm here in a studio apartment wondering how I let it all go the apartment is Tiny
and depressing to be honest my parents helped me move in after the separation but even they seemed more disappointed than supportive my mom didn't sugarcoat it she said Emily you had everything most women dream of and you threw it away I don't even know who you are anymore that hurt but she wasn't wrong I've had a lot of time to think about where I went wrong it's not just the cheating or the hurtful things I said it's the way I let my insecurities get in the way of something real I was so focused on what
other people thought on wanting a perfect life that looked good on the outside that I completely overlooked what I had a stable loving relationship with someone who truly cared about me now I'm the one people whisper about even my friends have distanced themselves Jenna said her husband didn't want her hanging out with me because I'm a bad influence that stung more than I expected but again I can't blame him I've become the cautionary Tale the person people point to and say don't end up like her I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for what
I did but I'm trying to move forward if nothing else I hope someone hears my story and learns from it if you have someone who loves you for who you are don't take it for granted you might not get a second chance looking back I know I've lost Luke for good there's no fixing this no going back to how things were and honestly I've made my peace with that I had something so rare and valuable a man who loved me unconditionally and I let it slip through my fingers because of my own insecurities and shallow
fears if I could go back and undo it all I would but life does doesn't work that way does it I've spent a lot of time reflecting on everything at first I wanted to blame the circumstances the pressure from friends or even Luke's lack of change but the truth is I have no one to blame but myself he was everything I could have ever asked for but instead of appreciating that I let my own self-doubt and vanity poison our relationship I can't change the past but I can own up to it I hope my story
serves as a lesson for someone out there anyone who might be in the same place I was if you have someone who loves you for who you are don't let your insecurities ruin it you might not get a second chance trust me the grass isn't greener on the other side and chasing after some unrealistic version of perfect is the quickest way to lose something real to Luke if you ever hear this I'm sorry I know that doesn't fix anything but I need to say it you deserved better than what I gave you and I hope
you found that now I hope she treats you the way I should have and to everyone listening thank you for sticking around to hear my story be kind in the comments or don't I probably deserve whatever you have to say this isn't one of those Tales where the narrator gets a happy ending or Redemption it's just reality then sometimes reality is messy and painful but it's mine and I'm learning to live with it that's it for me take care of the people you love and don't take them for granted bye for now
