folks we always make it about abandonment in these relationships and that we're afraid the relationships end because we're afraid of Abandonment but it's also losing the sense of this moment that we thought we could actually be ourselves in a relationship so you all know on this channel that I get very frustrated at content that focuses on the idea that some people are just narcissist magnets and attract them or all the codependency nonsense I just don't agree with it when it comes to narcissistic relationships one could easily argue and I would that we are all to
some degree vulnerable to narcissistic relationships and that there may be certain vulnerability factors in us that may make us more likely to get stuck but I have yet to meet the person who is fully immune to charm Charisma confidence and attractiveness narcissistic folks are very beautiful in the beginning when we first meet them and nobody says no to someone who's beautiful then as it always does in a narcissistic relationship these relationships transition into to devalue and discard and fall apart they always do there is no version of the narcissistic relationship where this doesn't happen unless
you just have the capacity to break up with them during the love bomb stage and that's pretty rare for someone to do that and as a relationship unfolds you're confused and most of us at this point don't run away from the narcissistic relationship even even once they start devaluing and discarding us but instead we are more likely to wonder what we are doing wrong because after all just a month ago the relationship was everything we ever wanted right we thought we were falling deeply in love that this was our person it was as though they
could read our mind I'll say more about that in this video we believed this was real and real can't go so wrong so fast right so to maintain some sense of control which is very common that we're going to blame ourselves now one of the quick armchair takes on this is that oh well people don't want to leave the narcissistic relationship because of abandonment issues right many people who are going through the devalue or discard phase will wonder well maybe I'm not leaving because I have aand issues and if I leave like I don't want
them to find someone else and then they'll do a deep analysis and a deep dive of their childhood and past relationships and pin it all to abandonment and I have no doubt that there is some truth to the abandonment hypothesis for more than a few people but it's not all every person in a narcissistic relationship is not a person with abandonment issues not by a long shot I want you to sit a moment though and take a minute and think about what is the one thing we most want in a relationship because there's a right
answer to this question what is the one thing we want crave have wanted since we were born and if you were lucky you got it as an infant and in childhood and if you don't get this thing then you crave it like hell as you go through childhood into adolescence and adulthood it's a deeply human thing to want even need and it can get us into a lot of trouble and narcissistic relationships what is it you can even pause a video here you can drop your answer in the comments it's pretty simple and the answer
is to be seen that's it that's the core of love it's not gifts or epic sex or a fairy tale romance or gorgeous face or M or money or a gorgeous body or even charm or Charisma it's not compassion it's to be seen to be really seen maybe to be experienced in that way all of it's all of us needed and wanted as small small children to be seen and then as we get into adulthood to extend that to someone who gets us and sees our strength and loves us through our weaknesses who loves our
quirks notices our gifts who can see we're having a bad day gives us a shoulder rub or a gentle smile and on a good day is happy for us that's what we want and when we find it it feels magical and it can be the beginning of a love story we even we want this in our friends we want this in people we work with listen we'd even take it from a stranger to be seen think of your truly good relationships in your life even if you just have one one relationship in your life you
consider it good why is it good because you feel seen by them and odds are that you see them too and it feels so real we are social creatures we even have neuronal systems in our brain that need this seen and we give that seen back here's the problem in the first six weeks of a relationship narcissistic people are world class icers they are almost magical at it they tell you that your so-called weaknesses that you've confessed to them don't matter that they love you more because of them they tell you about your strengths your
beauty all the things they like about you adore about you and loving you and you do the same for them you are being sculpted into perfect Supply but that is happening at the same time that you are finally feeling feeling seen seen seen you may look back at past relationships where your quirks and preferences and things that that make you you may have been devalued or minimized and then this new partner comes along and tells you they love your cats and that they love you even though you come from a wacky crazy family and that
you have Curves in all the right places and they love your creative side all the things you have always wanted to be seen they see and they don't criticize and it feels like the ultimate correction of all the bad things that have happened in the past and not only are you seen you may feel after even a few weeks of this or certainly a month or two of this you may feel like you can open up and be your true self finally be vulnerable after years or even Decades of being a clenched Soul because to
Fe we can show up as our authentic selves with someone is one of the most beautiful Divine and Transcendent feelings in the world the narcissistic person's capacity for charm Charisma and CIA level interrogation in a way that you don't even know you're being interrogated to get classified information out of you can bring down our walls pretty quickly because they are sh showing up with that thing we all want to be seen that normal and human thing to want because once they have you there I hate to say it but it's like a boxer getting an
opponent on the ropes they have you and they know it the reason love bombing works and can show up in so many different ways is because being seen means different things to all of us for example I'll put myself out there for with a person like me if a person showed up with Lux gifts and a fancy car Not only would that not win me over it would turn me off that doesn't feel like being seen to someone like me but to another person it may feel very much like being seen to another person someone
wanting to be with them all the time would feel like being seen to another person it might feel like too much for me being seen as someone emptying the dishwasher and taking out the trash cans we all got to think the narcissistic love bmer calibrates to what the person wants and ultimately finds their best match in someone who wants the things that they are offering they search for the vulnerabilities which they may do this by saying things like I want this to be a deep and honest relationship really tell me about you and then that
interrogation begins but you think it's just profound intimacy but rather it's a process of learning your buttons buttons that will be pushed and used to manipulate you once the devalue phase begins so the reason so many people get stuck in these relationships isn't necessarily fear of Abandonment or so-called abandonment issues but rather it's about letting go of the experience of being what felt like at least for a moment of being really seen hundreds of survivors have said to me that this is what they're struggling with in the wake of a narcissistic relationship ending letting go
of what felt so connected so unique so being seen it's not about abandonment as much as it is the loss of that acutely important and human need and want to be seen the need we have had since the day we were born in fact we may not even actually miss the narcissistic person as much as we miss what for a moment in time felt like a perfect mirror I'm going to briefly share two stories here to sort of bring this to life one was a person who had had backtack unhealthy relationships with men that were
riddled with infidelity and she had kind of given up and then was introduced to someone who a group of her friends believed would be a good match he was physically her type handsome guy and it seemed that in a very brief period of time he sort of got her there the sort of the classical their first date went until sunrise it was almost as though he was purpose-built for her and she for him he knew exactly what to say to her to allay her fears he cared about the same things as her he didn't mock
some of her quirky things that everyone including her friends would sometimes poke at on his side in her he found someone she herself was quite financially successful she was connected to lots of powerful people so he got lots of supply and he himself was going through a relatively rough P patch financially so he was kind of drawn to I don't know the the Splendor of her world the devalue and their relationship started about after six months and those things he would compliment her on and those vulnerabilities she shared because she felt seen and she felt
safe were now constantly being derided and that included her friends her family her home the way she spent money the stuff in her refrigerator but she had told herself the story that he ticked all the boxes and that people didn't see what he was like when nobody was around needless to say it didn't end well after many many years cheating hoovering the whole thing the woman in this relationship was not a person with abandonment issues but rather for her the seeming Miracle of finding someone that she believed for a moment really saw her meant that
five months of that became five very difficult years I've been here too being seen is a big psychological issue for me I'll own it and so I was vulnerable to getting stuck repeatedly it took me becoming much older to work that through but it meant that when someone seemed to get get me and be okay with what I thought were weaknesses in me that nobody would put up with oh how I wish for a doover I put up with terrible abuse as part of that narcissistic transaction and all of this highlights why for example a
person who for example was invalidated and never seen as a child which is a lot of people or someone who's very isolated could be very vulnerable to that Dynamic of being seen if this is something that has not happened to someone before a skilled narcissistic person with that capacity to engage in the short-term seeing during the love bombing phase will not only be able to control a person in a situation like this more quickly but it will be more difficult for a person with this kind of History to extricate when someone shows up with that
thing we have never had but are wired to need and want want it is a profound power and all of that interest the narcissistic person shows and the questions they ask and seemingly listen to our answers without judgment in the beginning can feel initially liberating but sadly over time the narcissistic person may simply be learning about your vulnerabilities so that they can be more easily weaponized down the road wanting to be seen and wanting to be vulnerable is healthy and good but unfortunately narcissistic folks are really good at mimickry and at playing at that turning
us into perfect Supply and leaving us grasping and fighting for that experience that shortlived experience of being seen in the relationship to continue it ain't an abandonment issue but as with all things in narcissistic relationships the good stuff never lasts thanks again
