Translator: David DeRuwe What do an elephant, an adult, and a doctor have to do with assertive communication? My name is Josef Rubin, and today I’m here to teach you how to have difficult conversations. I want to start by asking you some questions, but I want to make a deal with you: If your answer to the question is yes, I want everyone to clap once.
Agreed? Let’s practice - clap once. (Claps) Great.
Perfect. So let’s go to the first question. When someone says, “We need to talk,” do you get nervous?
(Claps) Good. Have you ever postponed a difficult conversation for fear of how the other person might react? (Claps) Good.
Have you ever found it difficult to say no? (Claps) (Good) Well, if you answered yes to at least one of these three questions, your problems are over. This TEDx is for you.
(Applause) (Cheers) Developing the ability to have difficult conversations is one of the principal skills that make a difference in anyone’s life, but unfortunately, throughout our life and at school, we don’t learn this kind of skill. Why is it fundamental? Because being able to have difficult conversations gives us freedom: freedom to have a difficult conversation and still keep and build a relationship, freedom to say no and still protect our time, and freedom to communicate what we really want to.
And it’s not only this. There is research that shows 70% of the problems companies have are caused by communication problems. So we see that developing this skill is fundamental for your personal life, for your professional life, and for your relationships.
So now you must be thinking: “What is an elephant doing on the stage? ” Well, the elephant has to do with the first step of a four-step methodology I developed about having difficult conversations, the TADQ method. So let’s get to know this method a little more.
The first part is the “T,” and the “T” stands for throwing the elephant out of the room. Why throw the elephant out of the room? To have a difficult conversation about an uncomfortable topic that you need to talk about, the best way is to start the conversation in a light way, always bringing up the topic with empathy, humility, and vulnerability.
Here sentences appear, for example, like: “Look, I confess that I don’t know very well how to have this conversation, but I think it’s important we talk about this for reasons “a, b, and c. ” Or for example: “I saw your presentation, and you made some small errors. If it were me, I’d love to get some feedback.
Can I give you some pointers about it? ” And so on. To throw the elephant from the room, the first step is for us to start this conversation in a light way.
I’d like to ask the stage crew here: “Can we throw this elephant out of the room? ” Wonderful. Thank you very much.
So the first step of the TADQ method is to throw the elephant out of the room. Let’s go to the second step - letter “A. ” What does the letter “A” stand for?
“A” stands for adults. When you have this serious conversation, treat the other side, the other person, like they’re an adult. Normally, it is common for us, when having a conversation, to wonder if the other side is receiving it well, or not so well.
We get anxious and afraid, and often, this has more to do with us than with the other side. For example, I have a teenager at home called Maria Luísa, and I can assure you that treating the other side like an adult even works with teenagers. So it’s fundamental we manage to have this conversation, understanding an adult is on the other side, to have the peace of mind to pass along all the points we want to make.
The third part of our TADQ method is “D,” and the “D” stands for doctors. l want to tell you a story: At a certain point in my career, I needed to have a super-difficult conversation - for me it was super-difficult - with my boss at the time, a conversation that brought many emotions. It was going to be so hard to have this conversation.
And then, talking to a friend about this - I was preparing myself - he said: “Josef, when it’s time for you to make your points, just talk to your boss as if you were talking in a doctor’s appointment. ” When we visit the doctor’s office, we tell the doctor about our symptoms calmly, with well-spaced words, to ensure they understand everything we’re saying. We must bring this calmness to difficult conversations as well.
Everybody has emotions, but if we get too emotional and don’t keep our emotions in check, it can harm our communication in an important conversation. So the third step is to talk like you’re in a doctor’s office, just discussing your topics and your symptoms with a doctor. So far in the TADQ method, we’ve seen “T” for take the elephant out of the room, we’ve seen “A” for treat them like an adult, We’ve seen “D” for communicate as if you were in a doctor’s appointment.
Let’s go now to the letter “Q” which stands for asking questions. Why ask questions? First, to guarantee that it isn’t only a one-way conversation, that both sides are talking, to ensure that the other side understands 100% your communication, and also to guarantee there wasn’t anything misunderstood.
So I am certain that if you follow these four steps of the TADQ method, you will have everything you need to have more and better conversations. The truth, people, hurts for a day, but a lie hurts for a lifetime. So I hope with this phrase and with this TEDx, I inspired you to have more conversations, and more difficult conversations.
And if you, by chance, are thinking about which elephants you want to throw out of the room, clap your hands here. Thank you very much.
