How to Survive the Wild West

do you ever throw hogtied civilians on a train tracks in Red Dead Redemption and find yourself thinking I love the wild west well you're stupid firstly because Red Dead Redemption takes place over a decade after the wild West's silly goose and secondly because life in the American frontier was far from the bank Robin gun flourish in Route 2 in Wonderland we've all come to know and love in today's pop culture but what if you just so happen to be best friends with an 80 year old theoretical physicist who got stranded in 1885 and needs you

to take his EPA violating time machine built out of a stupidly overhyped car to rescue him from your high school Bully's great grandfather don't you worry kiddo seeing as how the situation is all too likely I decided to put together a little guide for all you McCree wannabes to show you exactly how to survive the wild west thank you ah here we are Alex the wild west the area of the United States that's vaguely defined by historians as being somewhere the stunning Landscapes are crawling with Rich resources massive herds of American Bison Rome from the

Great Basin to the Appalachians while the expansive Flatlands find themselves home to enough corn beans and squash to bring a tear to any Midwestern grandmother's eye the geography ranges from grassy Plains so large you might just call them great to Mountain Soul rugged you could even say they're Rocky to deserts so arid they've earned the rank of being the second hottest place on Earth second only to Markiplier is only fans and of course to accompany all these diverse ecosystems and resources are an equal number of diverse American Indian cultures to live off them oh my

gosh this this is beautiful you're right this is not how I pictured the wild west at all so did I just like get my resume to achieve or nah hold up don't go all Dances with Wolves quite yet Alex this piece of junk took us too far back just gotta calibrate this flux bullshitator okay good to go hop in Ah that's more like it welcome to the wild west despite its long-standing history the archetypal Wild West period refers to only a small stretch of time between the end of the Civil War to the 1890 census

or the early 1900s depending on which smart people institution you ask but now we're standing on brand spanking new American territory baby which was taken from Mexico and France who took it from Spain who partially took it from France who took it from the natives we just met but still pretty new go on taking a deep breath of Freedom what happened to them you happened Alex me but I just got here you sure did and in record time too thanks to your shiny new railroad system a life-altering technological Leap Forward in rural Transit perfect for

manifesting Destinies and kickstarting dust bowls but what about all the Bison well Alex surely we can't have all those 2 000 pound hunks of meat Waltzing around on train tracks think about dangerous that would be to our schedules so those numbers were knocked down a couple million to open things up a bit but only after we graciously borrowed their Trails for railroad paths thanks bison what 60 million they killed that many just to avoid some train damage or delays and well that into forced Native Americans into submission turns out pretty easy to do when you

decimate their primary source of food in a major sacred symbol for many tribes for perspective think the devastation that befalls America today when Starbucks stopped selling our current sacred symbol the pumpkin spice latte but multiply it by a couple thousand hey Tahoma I feel like we got off on the wrong foot so I wanted to lighten things up a bit with a little little joke that I came up with seeing as how you people love those Buffalo so much what did the Buffalo say to his son is it bye son no no no no he

didn't say anything because it doesn't have a son because he's dead I killed him I killed all the Bison Tahoma to the American settlers the West symbolized Independence and freedom from government a proposition so tempting that people were willing to uproot their lives and travel hundreds of miles over land made traversable by state-sponsored railroads to homesteads made possible by federal legislation on land made open by government ammunition ah you smell that Ezekiel that's Freedom right there no big brother here okay this sucks you win please take me back to my Playstation oh great you just

save me 15 minutes hey hey shoot he just took our catalytic converter I thought this was the Wild West not North Philly well at least now we can get past the eight minute Mark and Daddy needs his minerals so lessons back on Alex seeing as how you're here to stay we're gonna need to hook you up with a career now there were a ton of options and with how expansive and diverse the various regions are you really shouldn't generalize life in the Wild West anyway let's have a pick between a cowboy Miner or prostitute oh

uh Cowboy classic Choice Alex let me just keep the VHS trailer for Cowboys here at 13 minutes past the 13th Hour on the 13th day of the 13th month the McCormick County rabbit puncher James H Wallace strode into the small town of amadillo baldeep looking for rabbits as he turned the corner of Baba's skanky shank and dank Barbershop he spotted little cindy Clan with her beloved bunny sir hops a lot enjoying a scoop of radish ice cream and amadillo Ball Deep staple Wallace grabbed for Cindy's bouncy rodent and hoisted him in the dusty air Fizz

clinched in zealous anticipation to spread his rabbit punching Vendetta to bus ball County it was then that the heretofore unnoticed Cowboy two Stone filbert cheese steak the sandwich hate and Gunslinger stepped forward from the shadow of the Balloon Saloon to challenge The Outsider to a duel legendary on neither side of the Mississippi filled but Cheesesteak stood in the dirt road across from his mammal Fist and adversary hand over and over his sick shooter the bell rang and Wallace was shot down losing on the draw after remembering he didn't own a firearm seeing the rabbit puncher

slowly bleed out on the street the cowboy approached him and in a show of Mercy proceeded to stab him 37 times in the knee until he died from old age two minutes later Cowboy Phil but cheese steak the bunny Defender then rode off into the sunset forever to be remembered for his heroic defense of Cindy Cline's Honor by shooting and stabbing an unarmed Foreigner well Alex what'd you think that's awesome I'd love to be a heroic gunslinging Cowboys oh no that's just a teaser for a western film I'm making that's not what a Cowboy is

well he just Witnesses the modern interpretation of an old west Cowboy made Popular by Hollywood and dime novels a valiant and mysterious gunslinging Nomad who traveled from town to town to bring Justice often while fabulously dressed but in reality all this need to understand Cowboy does is the name itself you heard cows well this sucks don't speak too soon this is probably the most chill part of your entire work day which is about 15 to 20 hours by the way your day of cattle driving horse wiping and repair providing was lonely and dull which might

sound like a dream at first to you introverts I know my audience until you take into account the pay of 25 to 40 a month exhausting manual labor and feeling almost as disgusted with yourself as I hope KFC's head chef feels he'll get six hours of sleep at most and unlike your working life you won't be lonely in your bedroll your horse is your best friend until one wrong move turns you into its best training wheel and of course there's the Cowboys worst nightmare the Stampede thousands of pounds of moon meat charging at top speed

crushing everything in their path and all it took was one small spook to set one off Craig they hit the Pentagon while overall pretty mundane there were a handful of exciting aspects of a Cowboys career for example you've probably been sitting there thinking but they play with cool swingy ropes that's right sport they did in fact use lassos to Wrangle cattle however it's often left out why they had to do this I like this game so what now you busted my balls Jesse wait one of the biggest events in the Cowboys career was the long

drive where they drove large herds of cattle to Railroad stations to be sold off while this is finally starting to sound like some cool cow puncher stuff a cow puncher is another name for cowboy riding on Horseback for thousands of miles is not as easy as it seems something horse jockeys Aiden Ross or others used to ride and get a test too and sure it might not be an adventurous Fantastical as Clint Eastwood's riding off with a beautiful woman of questionable age who you wooed from a small town after two conversations with we've still got

hundreds of open miles to roam with beautiful young Bessie here oh she is sweet she sure is now load her up Alex where are we taking her to I think the better question is what are we making her into a cheeseburger Alex what beautiful Bessie is too precious to make it to a burger hmm you're right maybe a filet mignon I don't want to be a cowboy all right then what's next uh I I guess minor brilliant choice no you're later trailing off the tail end of the California Gold Rush mining was a tantalizing proposition

for men desperate to make their Fortune it was such a popular draw that many U.S states were initially settled by Prospectors and miners hoping to strike gold or silver how to partner there was gold in these parts sure what's with the pickaxe what am I my fortune of course all right man if that's what you're into go on in well thank you kindly partner little damp in here well a few minutes to strike it rich the unfortunate reality was that you were far more likely to find yourself working for poor wages and terrifying conditions keep

in mind these were the times where industrial safety was more of a punch line than a guideline so you had a lot to worry about being an old west Miner such as the three E's explosions electrocutions and asphyxiations asphyxiation starts with an a some mines would utilize a long series of ladders to descend hundreds of feet into the Earth which meant if you were too tired at the end of the day you might not reach the top successfully so hopefully you haven't been spending 12 hours punching rocks or something silica exposure was also a problem

and miners would often inhale large amounts of it on the job which would tickle their lungs a little bit and by tickle I mean silicosis which became tuberculosis which they died from in 10 times the national average you'd also be exposed to carbon monoxide poor ventilation dirty drinking water mercury poisoning lead poisoning arsenic poisoning alcohol poisoning throw it dart at the periodic table and it's probably in your blood have to go there's plenty of room need to count why don't you use your fingers just kidding in a lot of ways Frontier mining was like a

casino you go in hoping to strike it rich but inside you find flashing lights bodily fluids and in the end The House Always Wins okay okay never mind I'll do anything but mining all right then what's your next pick now hold on the world's oldest profession is a common Trope in western films but the prevalence and impact tends to be a bit overstated for example the popular idea that prostitutes for the first people to arrive and develop the West is more folklore than fact in reality they often waited until Community was more developed before uh

setting up shop if you will most women in the west pursued a variety of Enterprises to make money but don't you worry Alex hooker certainly did exist and while I wasn't most women's profession less competition means more clientele but why choose the scandalous life well maybe you're a widow in need of cash or a Savvy entrepreneur looking to score big after crypto Ranch didn't pan out by the way you came to the wild west for the same reason as everyone else opportunity and Glory holes for work you've got quite a few options you could be

a residence prostitute where on the upside you get to work from home but on the downside you get to work from home where your children live if permanent psychological trauma isn't your parenting style you could always join a brothel these establishments were as traditional as it gets just an empty room and a bunch of bedrooms to learn about the birds and the bees uh oh here comes the boss lady with her Home Depot paint card don't mind her she's just checking your skin color too much melanin puts you in the special room maybe you'd rather

be a saloon girl who a lot of the time were not literal prostitutes but rather woman who would charm and Revitalize the clientele of a saloon but this was still considered pretty taboo merely having a woman in a saloon at all was already unheard of Back East where they treasured their masculinity so much that they couldn't have anyone around who liked men that would be gay often called Painted Ladies as the harlots had the audacity to wear makeup saloon girls were often paid in alcohol sales so you'll need to keep them binge drinking for as

long as possible you gotta charm them talk them up a bit form a one-sided emotional relationship trust me I'm a YouTuber while your clients are catching feelings you'll be catching diseases like their Pokemon look you've even got a few legendaries look it's nothing a little visit from the Mercury fairy can't fix getting stressed not to worry many prostitutes perfected the art of relaxation to help them deal with the woes of the trade she does look calm yeah opiates will do that what they just abused painkillers come now that wasn't their only method there's also codeine

chloroform laudnam tonics and of course good old-fashioned alcohol but most importantly you got to ensure your social class in the red light Community is well received you want to be like Marianne over there a widowed mother taking all the business she can get to support her kids disgusting you want to be like ash over here who worked your way up the social ladder to eventually take on better Ventures like owning prostitutes freedom is the ultimate goal of all red light women after all and all it takes is a little elbow grease business savvy and not

being Chinese assuming you secure a job you now gotta find a place to live your options of course will depend on the region and if you're far out in the frontier you'll need to get your hands dirty and build your own house if you got trees around you can build yourself a log cabin it's pretty simple really all you need to do is gather up several tons of stone for a foundation chop down dozens of trees by hand and lift 500 pound logs into place all by your lonesome but in the end you'll have a

roughly 10 by 20 foot cabin which is plenty of room for you and your wife and your 10 kids recycling stuff from your journey out west will also save you a lot of time Empty Barrel that's a rocking chair storage trunk how about a dresser dead kid you mean fertilizer all in all your log cabin will be cramped cold and pretty much just block the wind a little but hey if the Unabomber could live in one so can you but out on the planes you don't have any trees just a bunch of grass really so

the settlers had to coordinate an intricate supply chain effort to Source materials now to just use the grass introducing the sod house which is one letter off from sad much like your first time playing Minecraft a thought house had a pretty creative design your floors were made out of dirt now for your walls let's use some dirt as for your ceiling better go with the classic dirt you could practically already see the smile on the wife's face when she sees this here we are dear our new home this what is this a sod house made

out of high quality dirt imported all the way from the backyard this is disgusting why on Earth would you drag our family out here to live like pigs this is what you wanted you always said you wish we were dirtier in bed despite the near total isolation you will get some visitors from time to time as one settler vote every afternoon the rattlesnakes would come out of their hidden dens in the walls and roof and Sun themselves on the western windowsill to have fun Cinderella as you can imagine even the best of sod houses would

leak when it rained but at least that means you'll have a fun little indoor water park you know as long as the roof doesn't decide to join in your journey out west was quite the environment change from the big city to the back rooms and with all this space the kits had plenty to do running in a circle running in a square developing Prairie Madness you know the life despite the lackluster conditions frontiersmen did do their best to introduce some comfort to the home for example as a substitute for wallpaper some families just plastered their

walls with newspapers to help keep out drafts so now you can add reading the wall to your list of fun home activities but at this point we're pretty much just one straight jacket away from an insane asylum while the wild west was a rather violent place with high murder rates it wasn't as if you had a Dodge bullets every day like Hollywood would make you believe unless you're a native in fact many wild west towns would have you turning in any guns you had upon entry so don't fret too much about Bandits no need to

worry over Gunslingers in fact the only gun you really need to be worried about is your own because life in the wild west was boring as there were still a few Hobbies you could pursue like alcoholism drinking was very popular in the wild west so much so that doctors poured almost as much liquor as bar keeps which was fantastic for people like priests who couldn't be seen entering the ladder and luckily for you the wild west was home to many creative individuals who came up with some rather interesting concoctions take Nicholas Ambrose for instance who

was drinking liquor when he thought to himself yeah not enough spiders introducing tarantula juice a cocktail famous for having a strong bite in causing muscle spasms that felt like having dozens of baby tarantulas crawling on your skin go on take a sip Alex muscle spasms huh sounds like something a sugar rush would do no it sounds like something a neurotoxin would do and that's because this fun little potion was made up of wood grain alcohol rosin tobacco juice sulfuric acid hydrogen cyanide and everyone's favorite rat poison strick9 which was making its third appearance on this

channel with all those flavors tarantula juice was said to produce effects similar to methamphetamine now if you are in the mood for lockjaw you could always go for a classic drink but be careful ordering liquor out here was kind of like playing Minesweeper uh-oh looks like someone hit a mine don't worry you're not gonna explode I think I mean you did just drink gunpowder I ordered whiskey that you did however many wild west saloons would cut their whiskey with things like gunpowder Cayenne or even ammonia to save on liquor costs here you go hey Keith

this whiskey smelled funny to you oh yeah keep it quiet but I've been cutting the whiskey with this cheap almond juice to save money almond this is ammonia like to unclog a sink you can't be serving this to customers my cells hurt let me see that Oh I thought I said almond juice how could you possibly think that are you just celexic severely what Keith you know our policy sir I still haven't seen any dangerous accordions gee Alex you're not looking too good well fortunately we'll be able to fix you up at our next stop

the local Medicine Show combining Healthcare and Showbiz these exhibitions featured a traveling salesman who would use entertainment to draw a crowd and peddle whatever poppycock Miracle medicines they had on hand this entertainment could include everything from storytelling to magic shows to freak shows which I covered already in this little guy these acts would continue until the salesman sold off all their patent medicine which weren't actually patented but the word sounded cool so they used it anyway to help prove the effectiveness of their tonics they would often insert paid actors into the audience who they could

then pretend to pick out at random to miraculously cure of all their ailments gather round folks and feast your eyes frive got tonics treatments and dyes as for your ailments do not fret nor cry for I have arrived Mr Dr Delight what in tarnation did he say oh oh Kansas me have medicine oh he got them killed wow them be some fancy time I got that chlamydia do they work though I love drinking fluids now to demonstrate the healing abilities of my patent medicine I shall request the assistance of an audience member me yes you

sir come on up and tell us what else you I've got this really bad cough wow sounds genuine no worries stranger I've got this cure for you my gluten-free snake oil Mercury Miracle shall wash away all coughs pains and Kinks whilst invigorating the body oh my gosh my my cough is gone as you can see he is now cure my vision Jesus I Can See For Miles yes another perk your vision shall be sharpened holy I understand differential calculus the tonic enhances the mind and I'm fluent in an Italian Mamma Mia spaghetti all right that's

enough now stranger oh my God my bean is so big jeez they fell for that crazy right getting their health care advice through performative entertainment that's ridiculous the people of the past were clearly way stupider than we are today however those weren't the only shows in town you could also go see a Minstrel show a form of theater consisting of various skits and acts which also quite inclusive look not only did they have white people but also black people played by white people don't worry Alex these shows eventually died out but some say their legacy

lives on in the form of Canadian Prime Ministers you could also go to a rodeo and watch men simulate a battle against animals on the frontier by mildly annoying them or you to go explore it yourself just look out for everything want more Thrills how about you go see a dead body or maybe watch them get made feeling vice-like why don't you try your hand at gambling uh-oh looks like we got a sore loser where's the sheriff when you need him no there he is all in all the Hobbies weren't numerous but at the end

of the day you're just looking for something that dull the pain before you get back to work the next day now let's talk about the hygiene oh hey is that your scientist friend yes doc please get me out of here I can't take this I don't want to be a hooker I just want to play my PlayStation please fix the time machine I can't live in a dirt house I don't wanna like spiders down calm down Alex I would but transporting back in time has taken a toll on my mental fortitude my fundamental goodness sense

of arithmetic in the phenomena of physical interactivity has diminished English I don't understand math anymore Alex oh doc looks like someone could use a little refresher on their fundamentals even a time-traveling prodigy physicist can get a little rusty but luckily for you brilliant.org is one of the best online resources out there to learn about math and science interactively it's got thousands of lessons from logic puzzles to physics to casino probability to learn how to score jackpots every single time blue jay is using sarcasm as many of you know I work full-time as a chemical engineer

and having graduated from college a few years back I noticed my engineering fundamentals were beginning to weaken so I've personally found brilliant quite brilliant for brushing up on some of my core stem skills as I work my way through their differential equations course as a visual learner brilliant worked great for me and with a very interactive low pressure and intuitive design anyone from an aspiring learner to a lifelong professional can Master super applicable skills and reach their goals without leading a huge time commitment to try everything brilliant has to offer free for a full 30

days visit brilliant.org blue jay or click the link in the description the first 200 of you will get 20 off Brilliance annual premium subscription thank you brilliant for sponsoring the video Great Scott Alex I've remembered how to time travel yes yes let's leave sure thing we just need a few hundred grams of zinc Alex My Boy tell me do you know how to mine here you go buddy the wild west boring and dirty but gave us Val Kilmer's best performance 5 out of 10 Stars [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music]