5 Goal Setting Mistakes And How To Fix Them This 2024 | Mel Robbins

We're going to walk through the five mistakes based on Research that everybody makes when they set goals and when you make these mistakes in setting and defining your goals you will not achieve your goals and so these mistakes are super important for you to understand and for you to apply to the goals that you're thinking about right now so mistake number one you're so focused on the how you're going to get This goal achieved that you forget about the why and this is super important and I have a really good example of how I have

failed at setting goals and achieving goals in the years past because I felt pressured to do something my why was not present and I'm going to use the example ironically of drinking which is one of my goals this year I want to go for three months and not drink so here's the example where I've failed in the past in the past I have Had lots of pressure around me at the turn of the year to not drink there's that thing called dry January and a lot of people that I love have participated in it and

people around me have been doing it and I didn't feel called to do it I just had a huge sense of fomo that I was going to miss out on something if I didn't jump in with everybody else and so I felt pressure to jump in and have it be a goal that I would do dry January and here's what's interesting about when You feel pressured to make a goal when you feel pressured to do something there is an inner Rebel in inside of you that suddenly shows up and pushes back and sure enough the

last couple years that I've been like yeah okay I'll do dry janry with you guys the second that I committed to it out of pressure the rebel in me was like nope and I lasted two or three days and then I started being sneaky and lying about it and here's the deal the why wasn't present This is so important and this year is different this year is different because this year one of my goals is not to participate in dry January but my goal is to not drink for several months and there's a reason why

the reason why is I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish and even just having a beer at night to pull the lever that work is over and you can relax now it's making me too tired at night and it's impacting my sleep and Here's my why I want to see what will happen this is like an experiment to my focus to my downtime to the brain fog to the symptoms of menopause that I'm experiencing if I just remove alcohol not during the week but I just remove it completely for a couple

of months and so my why is that I want to be present and more focused for the next couple months and I feel as though if I removed alcohol it would have a major impact And there's more I want to get done and that's why it feels different this time because I'm not setting this goal because I feel pressured to I'm setting this goal because I want to so taking that research in mind and that mistake that everybody makes what's your why for real what is the goal that you want to do CU identifying that

is going to make all the difference in the world now let's talk about mistak number two I see this all the time in my Opinion this is not based on a study but in my opinion this is the mistake that everybody makes the most you ready for it you're setting too many goals stop doing that okay stop committing to dry January Whole 30 learning Spanish Chang ing your job painting the back bedroom volunteering twice a week and being a nicer person all in the same month stop okay mistake number two taking on too many things

based on the research means you get Nothing done that's why we are going to focus on just one to three goals at a time that is it okay that's it don't give me the but but but but but but I think I could do but what about habits but B no one to three goals and in fact I'd be thrilled if you came out of this episode and you just had one goal that you had defined and refined based on the research and that you were excited about wouldn't that be empowering of course it Would

so let's move on to mistake number three when you define the goal you're missing The Sweet Spot based on Research you see there is this sweet spot with goal setting and goal achievement between it being way too easy and it being way too hard it's sort of like Goldilocks and the Three Bears right one was too little one's too big one's just right there is a just right sweet spot when it comes to goal setting and most people in addition To setting too many goals most people go way too big do not make your goal

way too big you see that's what a dream is your dreams are big your goals have to be small your dreams have no timeline they're aspirational your goals must be specific and they must be on a timeline and they must be definable they got to be be tiny see you want something that you know you can achieve this comes from research at Florida State University Okay so anything that's too big as a dream we're talking about goal setting this also is grounded in research from the famous habit research that BJ fog has done at Stanford

you have to have it be something you know you can achieve but let's go back to the sweet spot so I know that I could um acheve achieve journaling one day but that's not really a sweet spot is it I'm not that inspired doing that one day The Sweet Spot means it's achievable but it Still has to be kind of ambitious because remember the definition of a goal it's got to be something that's going to require you to do something there's going to be resistance there and this is really important because you're going to have

a greater level of motivation and satisfaction if the goal still has a little bit of ambition to it and that comes from research at UC Riverside and there's one more reason why you can't set a goal That's too big if you make it too big it's going to be harder to achieve it and when you set a goal that's too high and you miss that goal it hurts your self-esteem and you start to give up on goal setting that seems kind of obvious it's research from a university in Germany and by the way we will

link to all all of this in the show notes so you can dig into this research too but the bottom line here is it's a mistake to go way too high it's a mistake to go way Too low you got to hit the sweet spot so let me go back to the example of my goal to not drink for a couple months I'm going to refine my goal because a couple months that's kind of vague isn't it right like I don't really have a definition for that a year way too big a we a year

feels like something like a punishment right now for me I don't want to do that I I my husband does not drink at all he loves not drinking I don't want to go entire year that's not what My goal is right now my goal is to not drink for several months and learn something about myself and if I decide to keep going that's great I could commit to dry January but you know what that feels too little it feels like something everybody's doing it feels like something I've tried in the past and I didn't really

into it I want to do something feels a little bit bigger but achievable and so here's what I'm going to do I'm going to say that I'm not Going to drink for 75 days 75 days I'm not going to drink that's longer than a couple months it's not an entire year it still feels achievable but it is definitely ambitious especially when I throw in the fact that Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm going to this big thing at the end of January and seeing a ton of friends and a lot of people there will

be drinking so like there's a lot in that so now let me turn it to you is Your goal in that sweet spot let's Goldilocks and the Three Bears this thing is it too little too big or just right is it that 75 day thing all right now let's go to mistake number four the goal's too General and I will say I just kind of outed myself saying two months not drinking too General but my goal to gardmore way too General it's true way too General dreams can be General Because dreams don't have a timeline

but your goals have to be specific and there's a particular question that a researcher at Columbia University Dr Heidi halberton has come up with that you should ask yourself when will you know if you've succeeded that's it when will you know if you've succeeded and so let's do the gardening example when will I know if I've succeeded at spending more time in my Garden this is an interesting question because when I ask S this question about succeeding I realize that it's not really about spending more time gardening my goal is more about learning how to

grow a specific type of flower called a Dalia I first discovered them last year I am in love with dalas they are so gorgeous and they're kind of complicated you got to dig them up uh where we live and store them inside over the winter you can grow them I mean it's Like a whole thing there's like a almost like a cult of people that love dalas and so I'm stepping into this and I realize that my goal is really to grow my first ever dalas from seed and I know I will have succeeded when

I'm able to cut my first bouquet of dalas and they're in a vase next to my sink and finally mistake number five I'm so excited to share this one with you this was new to me I discovered this Researching this show most of the stuff I've known based on some of the books that we've researched and projects that we've done for audible but this new one is so cool have you ever heard of a high low range goal this will blow your mind this comes from Florida State University now according to a study from Florida

State University it's easier to lose 2 to four pounds than three pounds I'm going to say that again it's easier to lose 2 to four PBS than three lb isn't That kind of cool that a high low range goal is going to make it easier for you to achieve it so let me put that into application so for me you know what that means I'm going to make it a goal to journal between five and seven days a week oh I just that feels achievable that feels like I can do it like it's still a

lot but I can do it or how about this one with flowering when I see anywhere from one to 10 flowers blooming in my garden dalas blooming I should say I will have succeeded at my goal and drinking I'm not going to budge on it in terms of 75 days but I can say I'm not going to have had a drink in 75 out of 90 days I want you to try this research it's pretty cool because even just saying it it makes it feel more achievable so now it's your turn let's use this research

from Florida State and turn your goal into a high low range Goal pretty cool huh I know I know I'm feeling all excited about my goals growing my Del journaling my journaling not drinking this is going to be awesome now I know what you're thinking okay got it Mel how do I get started how do I achieve this okay this has been fun girl but this is a lot like buying a brand new planner for the new school year so now what do I do okay well step number one based on the research the second

that you define your goals and we have Now defined the goals we are using the research I'm feeling super empowered I hope you are too you have to make the first Milestone super super easy because that means it feels like you've already done it okay so we got to make a super simple first step and scientists even have a name for this scientists call call this incremental illusion that's what we're using incremental illusion if you make the first few Milestones really easy to Achieve you will be more likely to succeed at this goal because nothing

and I mean nothing is more motivating than progress and research from the University of Chicago gives us a great example of what I'm talking about Okay so so you know how you go to a coffee shop and they have these offers where if you buy 10 cups of coffee you get the next coffee free here's a little trick that's pretty interesting that uses this effect this Illusion okay so they gave one group of people a card that was buy 10 cups of coffee get one free card but it was blank okay they gave another group

of people a by 12 cups of coffee and then you get a free card but two of the slots were already checked off progress had already been made it's still the same thing you're still having to do 10 but guess what the folks that were given the card with two Slots already filled in they moved through that card faster by checking the boxes twice listening to this podcast check you're no longer at square one you've defined your goals uh I can tell you some other things you want to do the smallest step possible Chris gave

me a book about dalas the flowers that I love for the holidays check I'm in box to if you can take the smallest step today can you do a Google search could you spend a little time Journaling what's some something that you could do you can't think of something no problem I've got something based on the research you could do step number two check box number two tell someone you admire about this goal this debunks decades old research from 2009 from researchers at Yale that said that you shouldn't tell anybody about your goals but here's

the hook you need to tell somebody you admire you got to tell the right people About your goals this comes from a set of new studies from Ohio State researchers found that you show greater goal commitment and performance when you tell your goal to someone you admire or whose opinion you value and these results run counter to this widely reported 2009 study from NYU that suggested that telling other people your goal is actually counterproductive and so here's what you can do just tell somebody you admire Here's how I'm doing it I'm sharing these goals with

you and I'm going to go share these goals with my family and I'm going to share these goals with my friends I'm going to talk to the woman that I met this Summer that is growing dalas and learn from her that's another step this is like us checking off the boxes on that free coffee card and getting you to start seeing yourself making progress and the final thing the second that this episode is over do a Tiny thing one step forward this comes from a recent study at the University of Pennsylvania school of medicine that

showed that starting right away resulted in the most change do not wait for Monday do not wait for the weekend do not wait until later the most important thing you could do that little box you're going to check is when this podcast is over spend five minutes taking a step now I get to talk about the most Life-changing part of all of this you ready the whole reason why goal setting is important is because it creates meaning and purpose in your life and that's the most important part your goals are not really meant to be

achieved the most important part is that you're pursuing something that's why goals matter so much I mean remember the research we Talked about in the very beginning those goals that you've defined and refined based on the research having them taking little steps toward them it's going to make you happier it will suppress negative emotions it makes you feel like you're up to something and your life is going to be way more satisfying having those one two or three goals that you're working on than having no goals at all and there's a reason why I'm going

To hammer this idea of pursuing the goal okay first of all I don't want you to try to get this perfect I just want you to try and the second reason why is that when you achieve a goal the irony is it's not as satisfying as you think it's going to be setting goals makes you happy working on goals makes you happy achieving goals does not create or promise lasting happiness yeah it is awesome when you finally get to the top of that mountain You've been climbing you take in the view you catch your breath

you sit down on a rock you take a selfie you eat some gorp and then you stand up and you climb back down it's over yeah it's amazing when you pay off your bills you celebrate you feel the burst of Pride and then you go on with life the point and the purpose of achieving and setting goals that are Deeply personal that have a will and a why and a how and a away right is because when you have goals you're up to something you're committing to your own growth and you're getting intentional about things

that are relevant and important that you want to see yourself doing and we have a tendency to overestimate how happy we're going to be when we achieve the goal and there's even a name for it that's how common this is It's called The Arrival fallacy it's this fallacy that once you lose the weight once once you get the job once you find the romance once you reach the destination that then then I'll be in nervana then I'll be happy then no tal Ben Shara the Harvard trained positivity psychology expert he has debunked this thing and

study after study after study and all you have to do is look at the number of Olympians or movie stars that we think have achieved it all that then are just Plummeting and struggling with mental Health illnesses after their greatest achievements and we're like What how could they possibly do they have gold medals they have millions of dollars I well because they're not working toward anything that matters it was working toward the gold medal working to make that movie going to auditions and pushing through the failure and having this goal that you set for yourself

working on it is what gives your life Meaning and that's why I wanted to start this series of lifechanging episodes of the Mel Robbins podcast the foundational stuff about how you create a better life with goal setting because goal setting from this point forward must be a part of your life if you want to feel a greater sense of purpose and meaning period and so I want you to come back to this episode I want you to bookmark it I want you to share this with people that you care about if you've got somebody Like

I do who's a college senior and as they approach graduation and they start to feel like they're about to have a quarter life crisis and they're lost you know what they need they need goals if you have a friend going through divorce you know what they need they need goals if you're bored in Life or feeling stuck or you got to hit the reinvention button you know what you need you need goals and you can relisten to this every single corner at any Moment in your life and walk yourself through this very simple but powerful

and life-changing research to get very clear about what you want and why you want it and how you're going to go achieve it now speaking about the how you want to know how habits are how you achieve goals systems are how you make it easier and so coming up next in this life-changing series we're going to do a one want on habits what the science says about habits the three components that Make a new habit encode and stick in your brain and we're also going to give you the research back shortcuts that you can use

to make new habits stick and to make that change and the new habits that are going to help you achieve your goals easier to implement in your life that's what's coming next but for now I want you to remember the definition of a goal a goal is anything that you desire that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing Something and what I want you to do next is I want you to take one step forward on that goal of yours in fact you know one step you could do share this episode I like to liken myself

to a plan and I want you to liken yourself to a plan because this metaphor is going to immediately stop you from questioning whether or not this Grammy moment of yours is even possible and there are four reasons reasons why I want you to use this metaphor number one every plant Starts as a teeny teeny little seed but here's the thing about a little seed which is what you are when you just have a seed of an idea the thing about a seed that's so cool is absolutely everything that is required of the plant to

grow from that teeny tiny little seed into something huge and extraordinary it is contained inside the seed and that's why it is so important that you take a moment with me and you acknowledge this seed of a wish or a dream or an idea That you have within you because that's all that's required the seed is the beginning of something extraordinary and you already have that within you because if you can Envision that Grammy moment of yours in the future that that's evidence of that seed of an idea and that's why you need to use

this metaphor of a plant that's been planted any single time that you start to doubt this idea like I've doubted this idea what what are you doing thinking about a Supplement that is a d stop no Mel no let that seed take root I mean think about an acorn do you know how little that thing is it is like this tiny thing in the palm of your hand and that sucker over time can explode into a Mighty Oak why because all of that intelligence for the acorn to grow into an oak is already inside the

acorn it knows what to do the same thing is true for a tulip bulb a single Bulb has everything inside of it in order to explode into a gorgeous tulip in the spring so do you stop doubting yourself and recognize that if you already have this seed of an idea to plant out into the world it is in you and it's been sitting there waiting to bloom in all of its unique beautiful Glory if you have a dream of opening up a restaurant or you want to become a wildly successful influencer and yet you have

all this doubt Stop stop and trust trust that because you have the idea it is already in you and you are meant to plant it into the world so that it can bloom the universe wouldn't give you that idea if it didn't want you to do something with it and I'm here to tell you to stop questioning it and trust it and the second reason why this plant metaphor is so powerful is because that seed and a plant it's designed to grow and so are you you are designed to Grow from the moment that you

are born and you do not stop growing until the day that you die and once you actually realize that there is the seed of an idea it is going to haunt you if you do not grow toward it and I need you to wrap your mind around the fact that you exist right now because your job is to take this idea and plant it into the world and do what it takes to see it grow and one of the reasons why you may feel stagnant right now or lost is Because you're not taking action on

that idea and here's another example of how plants are designed to grow and that you need to do this you need to grow this is the answer that you've been looking for have you ever noticed that plants grow toward the light they can't help themselves they are designed this way for example if you stick tulips in a vase like the Tulips behind me here on YouTube you can't see them if if you're listening to me but they're gor gorgeous They these bright orange tulips four of them sitting in a glass V if I were to

stick that glass V right on the countertop within 24 hours they will be pointed toward the window looking for the sun trying to grow it's called phototropism for you it's called action you must move toward the light you must take action every single day ask yourself what is one thing I can do to move toward the light of this idea now the third reason why I love This metaphor of likening yourself to a plant is because the undeniable truth about a plant you cannot force a plant to bloom before it's ready every single Gardener knows

this if you want to have peas in the middle of the summer to eat you got to sew those peas into the ground by St Patrick's Day pumpkin seeds they got to be in the ground right after Mother's Day if you plan to have them ready for Halloween and no one plants a zucchini On a Monday and expects to be eating it for dinner on a Friday why CU for something to grow it takes time and you are too impatient you are so focused on where everything is leading that you are skipping the most important

part getting started started and giving yourself time to grow see it's the struggle and the buildup and the journey and the tears and the time and the experience and all the ups and Down that is the most important part of growth you know that but you're not doing it it's the part where you are sewing the seeds and watering the soil and day in and day out taking care of what needs to be taken care of and putting in the work that is where the foundation lies you know if I take you back to our

Little Acorn and you plant it in in the soil and you put it in the sun and you water it every day it takes almost 6 Weeks for anything to sprout six weeks and you are giving up before the time that is required see it's in this time where you don't see anything happening that's when the roots are taking shape that is where the success is being built and there is no skipping this part because anything that's worth doing takes time it takes time to strengthen the vine to fortify the stem to get the roots

tough and sturdy so that they can support the Beauty that happens above ground a long time from now and that's your problem you're so obsessed with what it's going to look like and the final product and the big Grammy moment that you are either quitting too soon or you're not even getting started and honestly I think part of your problem is social media think about Tik Tok and Instagram it is constantly shoved in your face Here's the final product here's the overnight success story every other Count these days seems to be some influencer telling you

how to make a million dollars in less than a week or a two-e program to get six-pack abs it's so in your face that it is easy to overlook the truth and the truth is even the stuff that's being marketed to you these makeup tutorials the new Journal businesses the clothing lines that everybody's launched ing like that it took two or three years of working for somebody to get to the point where they Could make one post and Market that to you it didn't happen overnight they just want you to think it did so that

you buy it but the problem is now you're thinking about life in that regard you're thinking that things should be going faster and moving along faster and it should be your term now and you're so focused on the end of the game or becoming an overnight success that you stop trusting that your Grammy moment is Coming someday and this is so important because the work that you actually need to do it requires patience it takes time because it's in the time and the patience that you build the confidence so keep reminding yourself that you are

a plant that has been planted but now I know and you know why this metaphor is so important number one whatever your Genius is it's already in you trust it number two plants are Designed to grow and so are you so move toward the light and take action to grow and number three you can't force a plant to sprout too quickly be patient and this feels like a really good time for us to take a moment and hear a word from our sponsors they are a essential to the Mel Robbins podcast growing and being here

for you and when we return we're going to dig into the most critical factor in a plant's ability to grow and it's a critical factor in your growth Too and it's the environment so stay with us welcome back I'm Mel Robbins and you and I are unpacking this metaphor that Victoria Monae shared at the Grammys as she was accepting the award for best new artist after working in Hollywood for 15 years as a songwriter for other people and she shared that she likes to quote liken herself as a plant that has been planted and she

uses it as a way to keep herself going during the 15 years that it took for her to get on That Grammy stage and I want to focus on this idea of being planted and planted in a particular environment because the environment that you're in is crucial to your success I mean it makes sense right a tulip can't grow in cement and you can't grow in cement either and there was something else that Victoria Monae said when she was at the Grammys that helps us go a layer deeper she said quote I like to liken

myself to a plant who is planted and you can look at the Music industry as soil it can be looked at as dirty or can be looked at as a source of nutrients and water and my roots have been growing underneath ground unseen for so long that last part of what she said my roots have been growing underneath ground unseen for so long it's such a relatable feeling isn't it and what I want to focus on is what she said in the middle that she was planted in the music industry for the past 15 years

and the Music industry can be looked at as soil and you can look at that soil is either dirty getting in your way and not fair and all the stuff that you and I tell ourselves as we start to feel discouraged that it's not happening fast enough or you can look at the soil the place that you've been planted in as the source of nutrients and water something that is nourishing you toward your best self and the fact is she's right the environment that you're in is critical To your growth which begs the question are

you even planted somewhere when you think about this big Grammy moment the thing that you really want to work toward are you even planted or are you busy looking at other people's Gardens if you haven't started on your goal then you aren't even planted yet you're a pack of seeds sitting in the display rack at Home Depot just waiting for somebody to buy it Nestle it into the ground get things Going and that's probably where you are because the hardest part of growing is starting you have to put the seed in the soil so that

it actually can have a chance to grow and so answer this question honestly for yourself am I even planted or am I just looking at other people's Gardens am I looking at social media and Tik Tok and Instagram and all these Influencers because that's exactly what it means to look at someone else's Garden you're not going to grow by doing that you're going to actually feel stagnant you're going to feel lost you're going to feel discouraged at some point you got to wake the hell up and you got to plant yourself and if you have

a seed of an idea you've got everything inside of you to bloom into something extraordinary over time have you even started drafting out a table of Contents for that book you've always dreamt of writing have you had the conversation with your boss about moving from HR to Market have you started looking for therapists like truly looking calling checking insurance have you had that conversation with your partner about what's been triggering you and why you're so annoyed all the time or are you waiting for them to do It like you can either be thinking about something

sitting around waiting waiting for someone else to spot you and sign you to a label instead of creating and Publishing your own music I want to tell you something no one is coming you need to start you need to plant yourself so you can then begin to do the work to put down those roots to wake up every day and put in the daily reps that it's going to take to grow Into something extraordinary it might take you 15 days you might be lucky might take you 15 months might take you 15 years the difference

between people who are successful and have everything that you want is they didn't quit when they felt like quitting they got started instead of thinking about it and you will never succeed I won't succeed either in this idea of a supplement business so let me come back to that question what is your Grammy Moment really visualize it you know when I close my eyes I I I can see the packaging I can see it on a conveyor belt being packaged that's how much I can put myself there I bet you can do the same thing

well guess what it's time to prove it not to me but to yourself I don't think you realize how much time you're wasting looking at other people's Gardens checking out all the other Flowers talking about what everybody else is doing instead of taking the action and committing to your own growth and if you're sitting there and you're complaining to me you're kind of like well I'm not really going anywhere I guarantee you you haven't planted yourself you start of dancing around the idea buying planners instead of actually doing the work do you do that I

do that that's like sort of the preparing it's sort of the easy way to Kind of make an idea feel like it might be an idea you know okay we're we're we're do no you're not no you're not I'm going to call you out on this because it's the same thing that I do I have done this in so many areas of my life where I've admired other people's Gardens and then bitched about the fact that I'm not going anywhere I'll admit something to you when I was in my 40s I was so lonely I

mean I had no social life it's as if the Bottom dropped out and do you want to know what I did about it nothing absolutely nothing I knew what I wanted I could visualize it but I didn't do anything about it I spent a lot of time looking at what other people were doing and then comparing myself to them or complaining to myself about it when's it going to be my turn where did all my friends go why does nobody invite me anywhere why am I Never going on these cool girl trips why does everybody

else seem to have such amazing friends from high school and college and 55 bridesmaids and their weddings and raising their kids together I I mean this went on for years why because I was staring at other people's Gardens and then using that to keep myself from doing anything and for me that big idea that Grammy moment if you will was a life That was filled with friendship that's what I wanted that Vision was so beautiful I wanted it to bloom so desperately into its fullest expression and yet it just remained a seed and here's the

Epiphany it's not until I was brutally honest with myself Mel Robbins sitting here behind this desk scrolling through social media it is not Going to get you the friendships you want all this freaking jealousy that you have looking at what everybody else has swed in their life looking at the fruits that it Beed it is not going to get you what you want woman what are you going to do about it see this is where you have to really think about the environment of your mindset you want this aspect of your life to go prove

it if I want this supplement company to happen I got to Prove it if I want to have incredible friendships bloom in my life I got to prove it I cannot be the human version of a tulip in a tub of concrete and then complain why am I not growing why is this you want to know where Grass Grows Grass Grows Where you water it so if this is you in any area of your life where the grass is dead no it's dirt it is downright dirt and you're sick of looking at other people's beautiful

Lawns shut your mouth Get off social media don't tell me what you want or what you can't you want a green beautiful Lush Lawn then you better sew the seeds and then you better take care of it not once but every day you got to water that new lawn every single day well my neighbor on is really green and and you know their dad put it in for them and so they got who gives a [ __ ] is that going to help your lawn grow no you got to get serious About what you want

and then you have to plant yourself and by planting yourself I mean you get to work stop talking and start doing and so I'm going to hit the pause so you can hear a few short words for our amazing sponsors but don't you dare go anywhere welcome back it's your friend Mel and we are talking about how you achieve your biggest ambition and we've been unpacking something that Victoria Monae said when she won the Grammy for The best new artist and win in a Grammy that is achieving a huge ambition and you are going to

achieve your huge Ambitions so now I want to talk to those of you who have started you have ripped open that seed packet you have seated the lawn you've been out there standing handing with the hose watering everything you got yourself out of the cement and you put yourself into a beautiful pot I'm talking to those of you for example who've been writing Songs for other artists like Victoria Monae she was doing that just not so long ago I'm talking to those of you who are halfway through 75 hard or you're on your third draft

of your manuscript or maybe you're in your first week of marathon training or your fifth month of interviewing for a new job and you have started and I want to tell you amazing amazing job congratulations getting started is the hardest part do you know how huge this is that you're Doing it that is incredible and every single day that passes by those little Roots they are spreading underground even though you may not see anything happening they are spreading every day when you wake up and you take a step forward you're learning something you're getting a

little stronger you're gaining skills you're starting to get a little bit confident it's really working even though you're sitting there going um why don't I have a job yet when Am I going to start making real money uh why does this look easy for everybody else when's it going to be my turn to be the one on stage to win the award to make amazing money when am I going to be the one to sprout great question great question if that's you ask yourself are you in a place right now where you are going to

continue to grow like if you're complaining about the dirt then do something about it but you got to ask Yourself for real are you actually getting the nourishment that you need are you getting the support from yourself and the people around you if not it is time to pick up your roots and move yourself from that little pot where you become rootbound and plant yourself somewhere else somewhere where you have a little bit more room to grow a little bit more positivity in sunshine where the soil is maybe a little richer a little more nourishing

maybe it's full Of other plants that are kind of like you it's time for a new environment it's time to raise the game to try new things to be around more people it is time to level up it is time to pick yourself up and actually put yourself in a different place to grow so here's the example for the past five years my husband Christopher he has really been wanting to write a book and if you're new to the podcast my husband Chris leads men's Retreats he is a death Doula he is about To finish

his Masters in transpersonal Psychology this is a human being on a mission to make a difference helping other men create more meaningful lives and for the last 5 years Christopher Robbins has had a Grammy moment he has had this Vision in his mind he has had the seed of an idea and here it is he really wants to write a book and I got to acknowledge Him He didn't leave that seed of an idea in a packet on some display shelf he planted It here's what he's been doing for five years the man has been

silently quietly writing every day when he wakes up for the past five years he has written in a journal and he says You Know M I must have written over 400,000 words by hand in my journals these past 5 years 400,000 words not another human being has read it this is something he's been doing day in and day out so let me ask you are the roots growing Absolutely strong every day is he becoming a better writer absolutely and you want to know how he feels he feels the same way that Victoria Monae felt unseen

he's questioning he's wondering if this is leading anywhere and I can recall at least a dozen times in the past year alone where he's turned to me and said you know I just don't feel like I have anything to say I mean absolutely Everything that I would actually want to write a book about I mean somebody's already published a book on that topic somebody has already researched it I mean what more do I have to say that's any different than what somebody else has already had to say and I'm sure Victoria Monae felt the same

during those 15 years just like I'm sure you've probably felt more times than you can remember well about a year ago it was very clear that Chris had stopped Growing this daily practice of writing in his journal I mean had certainly grown a very very large system of roots it had created this Foundation he clearly is a writer but he needs a bigger pot he needs more nourishment he needs to improve the soil that he's in he needs to change the environment so that he can continue to grow so what did he do he hired

a writing coach and you know when he told me I'm like what's a writing coach he said it is somebody That I talk to once a month that makes sure I write this book they help me with the table of contents they give me assignments related to the book they help me continue to move toward the light just like a plant turns toward the sun Chris took the actions that helped him turn toward this idea of writing a book now this coach certainly helps water and nourish and grow Chris into becoming a writer and honestly

you need to do the exact same thing If you're already chipping away at this and you're feeling stagnant and you know what that feeling feels like you have to get into a different or bigger or deeper or wider environment and for me an example of this was joining a mastermind group with other people that are in the same business authors and podcasters and surrounding yourself with people that are pursuing what you want is one of the best ways that you can continue to grow and see I think you may a mistake you Make a mistake

that I made which is you think you're in competition with people who have already had the Grammy moment those people that have had a Grammy moment those are not people that you're in competition with those people should be your best friends because they know what you're going through and you think that oh my gosh if I'm around other people that want the same things that I want then those people are going to cast shadows and I'm not going to be able to Grow around baloney are you kidding me being around other people that want similar

things is a way that you can invest in your own growth go find them that's where you want to be and if you're sitting there and you're still like getting all antsy and annoyed with me and you're like I have been doing that nothing's happening I'm going to ask you something are you actually hitting it every single day 100% if you've been at this for a while I'm willing to bet you're probably on a little bit of an autopilot you're probably just cruising along because you're convincing it's not going to happen for me you're kind

of resigned the message for you is very clear you got to be patient if you've been at this for a while you probably forgot about the fundamentals you probably forgot that all that stuff that you hate doing the Stuff that's a pain you probably stop doing that that's always what happens with me same is true with the lawn by the way your grass could be absolutely gorgeous and green at the beginning of the summer what happens if you stop doing one of the fundamental things like watering it in the sun it basically Burns and dries

up and dies and if you stop doing the fundamentals because you get discouraged or you're tired or you're Just sick of it that's going to happen to you so the takeaway for you is get back to the basics get back to the roots get back to the fundamentals all that stuff that nobody wants to do and don't quit day in and day out build the roots because it's from those roots and the foundational actions that you have to take that you have the strength to continue to bloom and I need to warn you about something

it's not going to happen overnight it Just doesn't it's going to take time and you're going to have to sit there in the soil and you have to remind yourself that you are growing and and that when the time is right those roots they will be there to lift you toward your version of a Grammy don't forget it took Victoria Monae 15 years of feeling unseen and defeated and questioning if her dream to write a top song of her own was ever going to happen that is 5,478 days to win her first Grammy and I

Want you to ask yourself now how long have you been at your and don't let this question discourage you because it's easy to forget that over the course of those 15 years Victoria was doing some pretty amazing things I mean she was writing songs with Ariana Grande and Brandy and so many other amazing artists and there's no doubt that those experienes well she may have felt unseen they're part of the root system it contributed to her growth It supported her in going on and being able to win those three Grammys it means that when she

burst onto the scene you know what we know about her this is not going to be a one and done oh hell no this is just the beginning and you're going to be the same way why because the roots are strong do not forget to count all those little winds along the way you may be knocked down at the end of your rope and you can have your big cry but those of us who become successful are The people who wake up tomorrow morning and we keep going after it the game of success is about

stamina do not allow yourself to be sitting around looking at everybody else blooming and going never going to be my turn of course it's going to be your turn why because you're designed to grow and trust me I wish there was a shortcut but in life there is no Miracle Grow to make you bloom faster but one thing that I have found that helps me on Those days when I feel like my God is this ever going to happen it's just six simple words what if this does work out what if on those days where

I don't feel seen or I start to question the sanity of my idea boy that's a dumb idea Mel what are you doing thinking about that stuff I know you've said that to yourself just remind yourself what if this does work out when I say those six words it keeps me in the game and that's all you need to do and before you know It I promise you you will find yourself just like Victoria Monet did at the very end of her speech she said quote and my roots have been growing underneath ground unseen for

so long and I feel like today I am sprouting above ground I love that she used the word sprout because when I hear the word sprout I think of this teeny tiny little thing you know that kind of comes up from the seed and I would have expected her at a moment like that to be Like I am a big beautiful Bloom and I am just getting started and that's the genius of this metaphor that you are going to grow your whole life and this idea will take hold why because of your roots big goals

just like huge beautiful blooms on a flower they require a big root system in order to support them that Mighty Oak that Sprouts from a teeny tiny Acorn massive root system period And I believe that patience is the most important thing because the Time that you been building is directly proportionate to just how big and how beautiful your life is going to be what are three things that very successful people run every day that helps them be successful they get their ass out of bed uh they you and I both struggled with that oh my

God I still struggle with it so do I it's I don't think people believe me it is a thing every day of my life every day of my life it's such a trip well I I understand why for Me anyway I don't know the reason why it's hard for you but there are a there are levels of reasons why it is so hard to get out of bed for me and why you have to get your ass out of bed um and I'll explain why it's important in a second but first I want to explain

why it's actually difficult for me so number one from a physiological standpoint it was very helpful for me to learn that your cortisol levels are their highest when you first wake up in the morning And so cortisol being the stress hormone it's also something that can then flood your body with a sense of like worry or heaviness or overwhelm and so knowing that that was just a fact in terms of what's happening in your body was helpful second for me personally part of my childhood trauma was having a incident where you know somebody did something

to me in the middle of the night and that encoded an experience in my body that is triggered by w up Because at the age of I guess I must have been like nine I had an experience where I woke up one morning and an older kid had climbed into my bed and done something and the second I woke up Tom I was in full alarm State fight ORF flight kicked in I disassociated and I knew something bad had happened and then I had a second response which is did I I did something wrong right

and so you know you talk a lot on the show about habits and how Habits have three parts the trigger the pattern the reward waking up in the morning is a trigger Tom for my body to remember this experience of feeling something's wrong so that's the second reason and the third reason is is because I have [ __ ] amazing sheets and my bed is super comfortable and my husband uh used to be next to me but he would he now gets up at like like 5:45 he just rolls right out of bed and I

love to just stay In that bed D under those sheets it's so cozy it's so snuggly it's absolutely amazing and so that's why it's hard for me I don't freaking feel like getting up and then on top of it and you and I both know this that an object that is resting will stay resting unless there is a force that acts upon it to get to move and so it is always hard for me and how I've resolved this is by basically realizing that there are a few things that I will never feel like doing

I will Never feel like unloading the dishwasher I will never feel like folding uh clean clothes I will never feel like cleaning that damn cat box or picking up the dog poop in the yard yeah and I don't ever feel like getting out of bed and I still have to do it it's interesting so I think for me my ol levels are too low oh so whatever it is that gets people out of bed from a physiological level I don't have that so I've always felt to me it feels like the the neurochemistry Of sleep

is slow to be flushed out of my system maybe it's just that the cortisol doesn't pump enough and so getting out of bed just seems like this Herculean task because even if there's something I'm excited to do I find myself still wanting to lay in bed and then the whole warm and cozy thing yeah that goes a long way like even now I will if I'm sleeping alone like Lisa's traveling right now so I'm sleeping alone so I always wake up before Lisa so I can't Turn the AC off I need it to be cold

when I sleep now how cold do you keep your bedroom 68 degrees so I keep mine between 66 and 68 and that's also part of the problem the bed is warm yep and it's like climbing into an ice back to throw their shap off yes so I give myself 10 minutes to get out of bed 10 minutes so yeah yeah yeah I that for me going from four or 5 hours to 10 minutes was like oh my god well that is a huge thing yeah for Me I try not to fall back asleep is the

honest answer so I I when I wake up even though I've woken up naturally because I don't use an alarm you don't use an alarm I'm like like it it's I wake up rough like Lisa in the beginning of our relationship it was really almost contentious because I was so grumpy in the mornings and I'm like you don't understand like whatever the the chemistry is of sleep I have a hard time Shucking it off and and I remember I heard a joke one time I'm going to totally bastardize this but the guy was like uh

to all you morning people what the [ __ ] are you talking about he's like I don't even want to talk like what are you people going on about you're so happy you're so smiley and I was like yes that's exactly how I feel so everything just feels when I wake up so anyway I give myself 10 minutes to get out of bed so and so when you're in bed Y are you thinking about something are you looking at the ceiling are you under the covers so this would I think surprise every every body I

sleep completely bundled up under the covers like like with the pillow over your head uh not the pillow but the blankets oh see I put pillows over a little breathing hole right here it's like a safety thing I thinking I couldn't have that on my face on my body that would feel nice when on my face uh so I'm Under the covers and now this isn't true historically but for the last probably two years I sleep with a book playing in my headphones a book playing while you're sleeping while I sleep the entire night it

is incredible what and I don't this isn't one that I necessarily recommend but if people struggle to stay asleep so my I fall asleep easily I have a hard time staying asleep so I will wake up three times a night every single night the third one Being the final time I wake up yep and I have to switch my headphones out so they don't die and I have three sets of headphones so headphone one I fall asleep and that's in ear headphone two in ear headphone 3 over the ear you sleep with headphones so are

you on your back yeah yeah yeah but it is it is unbelievably comforting I can't even tell you is it the same book uh well no it changes once I finish the book okay but I'll read it in these little Increments because I have to keep rewinding it and don't worry we will get to the other two things that amazingly successful people do but yes so it's the same book okay until it's done I read it in these tiny little increments it's a specific kind of book what kind of book it has to be a

book like have you ever read like a biography of Lincoln which be what I'm reading now and they'll spend like 17 pages on what the grass was like in his front yard and so it's Like you don't have to like really scrutinize every sentence you can sort of drift in and out and so what ends up happening is I drift and then I'm gone and I'll wake up and let's say I started on chapter 2 I wake up and it's like chapter nine so I'm like okay I know to go back to chapter 2 and

then I fall asleep again and then I wake up again I go back to usually chapter two and then I'll sleep so when I wake up I've got the book still playing so then I'm like Well I'm interested I'll turn off the AC so it starts warming up I stay under the blankets so I start and I'll even pull another blanket over me so I start getting too warm yeah then I'm like cool my 9 minutes and 42 seconds are up I need to because I I have a rule I have to be standing up

before the 10th minute hits okay and so I'm up out of bed before the 10th minute hits but that that has worked like a charm for me wow I this is very complicated I'm just Sitting here about the management that you have to do around this but if you know but I think that's the most important thing about advice is everybody's looking for the Silver Bullet when in fact it's got to work for you yeah that would never work for me I'm already starting to think about why I sleep on this year and what about

the headphones and I'd forget to charge them and then I'd be awake and staring at the ceiling and and so that's that's Fascinating um you know one of the things that I uh also got from what you were saying is that because of the cortisol like flying through my system and because I am somebody that has had a very dis regulated nervous system meaning I have sort of lived life with the accelerator on on edge that when I would wake up and I would feel that wave of like being on edge it it had a

very weird effect of not motivating me to get out of bed but Pinning me there and ironically intellectually I know and this is one of the reasons why it's important to get up because if you can get up you can start moving and if you start moving you can keep moving and as you move the chemistry changes and your mood shifts and within five minutes you feel different even if it's just like a little incremental bit of difference even though I know that the feeling in the body was so heavy that I thought I'll just

lay here and hopefully it'll go away and it just gets worse and that's why I asked you what you do in those 10 minutes because one of the reasons why I say get out of bed is because most people reach for their phone and most people win the battle for success for dreams for mental health for happiness for confidence in the first 30 seconds of being awake because they reach for the phone and they immediately direct their attention at other people's Lives yeah and so that's why I say I know nobody will I when I

tell people don't look at your phone leave your phone out of the hand and everyone's like and then they go and do it but if you just get out of bed immediately you got a fighting chance to be awake enough to not do that yeah and so I think most people if they're struggling with being successful or happy or whatever I guarantee you you give your attention to social media or your phone before you've Done the second thing and so now we're on to the second thing which is set a freaking intention for the day

set a mark for what's one thing that matters to you what is the one thing that you're going to make progress on today and that one thing could be how you're going to show up with your family it could be today I'm getting to that that gym or it could be some project at work that you're going to move the needle on or it could be some habit that you've learned On impact theory that today is the day I'm going to do that thing that I learned from Tom and you're going to do it and

it's so important for you to direct your mind that this matters to me because your mind is p pay attention and if you set a little Habit in place and successful people do this you have something that matters to you because the other thing about successful people is we're all [ __ ] busy and we have a million things going on and the second That we look at our phone or we walk through the front door of our business or we step into the kitchen other people will now need you and you will most likely

spend the rest of your day unless you have a huge staff and you've got amazing boundaries and you got got a light lot of white space in your calendar and that is not me you will spend the rest of your day Tom reacting to everybody else's stuff Y and so if you can get into the habit of going Today the most important thing for me to make progress on is X you have directed to your mind that this thing matters now if you can actually inch It Forward before you look at your phone before you

start your workday before you start responding to everybody else you will start to develop a superpower because you will see your yourself prioritizing what matters to you and that's critical So for anybody with a side hustle do not be working on that thing just at night When you get home your dreams your business it deserves the first 10 minutes of the morning and if you literally just lay like one brick on that path between where you are and where you want to go that one 10 minute of effort every single day on the thing that

matters most to you that changes everything over time because I think most people are struggling with the fact that you have all these things that you want to Do but your life is organized in the exact opposite of what is important to you that you've let everybody else dictate how you spend your time you've let everybody else kind of take over your day and you haven't done the basics of waking up get moving think about what matters to you and if you can just inch It Forward you know there's even research about this uh I

know you've talked about this too the the progress principle which they've studied Extensively at Harvard Business School that when they look at very successful people and they asked them okay you know what makes for a fulfilling week and they were specific to work but I think this applies more generally what made for a fulfilling week for most people that are successful is I made progress on something that matters to me I felt a sense of control and progress over the things that I care about And so if you really are someone and this used to

be me for sure where you feel like you're last on the list you never have time to get to what's important that everybody else's needs come first that years keep going by and you're not seeing yourself make the changes that you want to make or not make the money you want to make or not launch that business or start that thing take a look at the first three or four things you do in the morning morning and See where you put your attention because I guarantee you it is not aligned with what you actually care

about and so if you can grab that back you can do the third thing and the third thing for me is it's sort of this combination I call it aligned action and that is that successful people act before they feel ready they act like the person they want to be instead of the person that they feel like today that they you know and you Talk about this too this is the philosophy that you believe in which is uh behavioral activation therapy act like the person you want to become can you give me an example of

that oh yeah so I'm launching a podcast I've been thinking about talk about not taking your own advice okay I most people don't know this but I got my start in the media business this is my first taste of the media business in 2008 by host in a local call-in radio show on Saturday Mornings in Boston Massachusetts I did not know that yes I paid for my kids braces by reading Invisalign ads for a dentist in Boston that I still go to shout out to Dr Ronan uh he did not pay me to say that

that was a long time ago um and I loved that show Tom I freaking loved it why did I have a radio show I'll tell you why because for those of you that have seen my first appearance here with Tom this was the period in my life where restaurant was going off the Rails we were nearly a million dollars in debt there were leans on our house I had lost my job I needed money that's why I had that job it paid $25 an hour for two hours every Saturday and I felt like the world's

worst mom because every other parent was at Town soccer somebody else thank you thank you thank you to The Graces for driving our kids they were taking our kids to soccer for us while I could go Host this radio show and Chris was doing whatever he could to Save the business that show was a Lifeline I would talk to real people every single day it made me feel connected to people it made me it gave me a sense of purpose I loved the intimacy of it and so ever and that show eventually grew and it

became syndicated and then I won something called The Gracie award for my coverage of trayvon's murder and that got CNN's attention and they called me and said hey you know we would love to have you Be a leg analyst here and so that then got me on CNN and ever since I left radio I have missed it and I've been wanting to get back to it and in the back of my mind especially after I wrote the 5sec RO I kept thinking I need to launch a podcast I need to launch a podcast I love

podcast I I I have I I need to do this and it mattered so much to me I was so like drawn to it Tom that I think that often times when the dream is such a Call the excuses match the desire for it right and it was never the right time it just never I just talked myself out of it over and over and over and over and over again and so finally like 18 months ago I literally woke up one morning I had my own wakeup call and I'm like that's it like you're

going to let another 10 years go by unless you make a [ __ ] decision to get started how did you get started so you decide you're going to do it and like take people into The weeds a bit this is where I think people go off the rails they sitting at home thinking yeah I want to start a podcast as well and I want to hear CU I know that you end up doing it on a way more professional stage but walk people through what who' you call was it a relationship that you built

20 years ago I want people to follow that yeah so first things first I went to my friend Google honest to God even though I know Tom and I know Lisa I was too embarrassed to ask you because you you guys are like out here with all these millions of subs and you've like been doing the show for a while and same thing with ls like you know you and I have some amazing friends and often times I find that going to people that already seem like they're at the top of the top that's intimidating

because it it magnifies at least for somebody who's got a lot of insecurity like me it Magnifies the distance between where you are starting and where somebody is years down the road because part of your um genius Tom is that like it's easy to look at what Tom's built and forget the fact that this dude has been studying film since he went to USC for film school this guy is a insanely successful entrepreneur that's bringing all of that Sweat Equity and learning to the table this is somebody that's dedicated himself to like years of figuring

this Out and sampling and editing and so I personally find that when you go to somebody that's already there it can be a little discouraging so I went to Google and I'm like how do you start a podcast honest to God because I I'm smart enough to know it's different than radio and I didn't even know what equipment people have I didn't know anything about okay do you go to like how do you put a podcast up do you put it everywhere I don't know like is there A form that you put the title on

and the captions and then do you send it somewhere like I know how to upload a video to YouTube I know how to but I don't know anything about this Market and so I went to Google um you're going to laugh at me but I bought a course about podcasting not laughing at all um I uh studied a bunch of videos about the type of equipment that people bought um I then just started stalking people that are doing it and I started to say myself Okay what does somebody that already has a podcast what do

they do that I'm not currently doing and so the first step is obviously learn about it identify a group of people that serve as what I call your lights on the path and so lights on the path are people that are anywhere from one step ahead of you to 10 years ahead of you and these are all people that can guide you forward if you study what they did and most of them by the way we live in the most magical Period of time you have no [ __ ] excuse for not walking toward what

you want I realize it may be harder for some of us with mental health issues I realize that not everybody starts at the same uh starting line because of bias and all kinds of things that can happen to people but the bottom line is through your actions and attitude you can create anything you [ __ ] want and look I'm sitting here saying I've been wanting to do a podcast for eight years and for six Years I was nothing but excuses for why I couldn't get started and then finally I'm like [ __ ] it

I got to start and so you start by Google the topic number one become a student of what you want to be first that's the mindset what can I learn what are people doing that is calling to me what are people doing that I don't like and so as I started being a student of this really important that's why I say Google Google is a search engine become a student of what You want to learn about or launch in your life and there's a bazillion books there's master classes there's free videos there's workshops and what's

so cool people like Tom are unpacking this [ __ ] for you with people and so you can also hear people stories and so I probably just immerse myself in it Tom and I'd say the first person that I called was rich roll and Rich Roll is uh a really good friend of mine and amazing human amazing human being and he was Really cute uh I called and said okay I'm going to do this thing what would you tell me knowing everything you know having been doing the podcast for seven years and you know interesting

about rich that guy is an artist incredible Storyteller amazing uh story you know personal story his hands are in every aspect of every aspect of that podcast like that is Rich's gift to the world and what he said to me is he said Turn on a mic it's good advice turn on a mic start recording [ __ ] but I'm not ready but I don't have the equipment but I haven't done this but Mel if you want to do this thing turn on the mic and start taping episodes and then listen to it and they're

going to sound like [ __ ] and you're going to realize it's a hell of a lot harder than you think it is and so here's the second thing so number one become a student right of what you want And even if you don't know people or you don't have a network that is you know like the one that you and I have built over time you can still learn from people that you haven't met full stop especially with YouTube it's crazy it's incredible and then you just reverse engineer it and so what you'll do

is if you were to Simply do this exercise like we're just going to stick with the podcast episode but you could insert anything how do I start a dry cleaning Business you could Google I don't know how to you do that but I bet there's a a video about it how do I start a catering business do I need a commercial kit kitchen to do that like all these things somebody has figured out and they have put a video out or they've written a blog post or they've written a book or they're doing a course

right now at it as you're a student here's your assignment from Mel Robbins write down all the actions that you're learning About that people do oh I gotta for podcasting I got to learn how to edit Audio Oh I got to learn about equipment oh I got to understand all these platforms oh I've got to to listen to a ton of podcasts to understand what I like and what I don't like oh I've got to record some oh I've got to like there's a bazillion things right and so keep that list handy because every day

you can wake up and look at that list and there is your road map to what you Want to create in your life and what happens next is there will be something on that list that is the starting line for real like when Chi gets real and for me that was turning on a microphone which I started doing about six months ago how did you deal with being bad if you were bad in the beginning oh I was terrible well because I you know I Yammer on and on and on and I I I have

a very dyslexic ADHD brain and so I'm all over the freaking place and it was Interesting because I just assumed having done six audio projects with Audible and you know these two self-published audio books that okay we got a lot to talk about well one of the big takeaways for me in being a student of this is that the podcast is not about me it's about what my intention is that I want to to have the listener experience and if you are going to create something that has an intention it has a very different level

Of artistry and discipline and purpose to it and so I figured out very quickly that yes I personally want a podcast to sound like two friends having a conversation and without a certain level of prep and intention on my part it was not going to turn out that way it was going to be Mel Meandering all over the place I mean even just here like you and I sit down and we're 20 minutes into a conversation and we're already like you know we're Like time out and so I needed to in my student mindset I

needed to be honest with myself that there are things that I have as natural talents and skills just like everybody does but I also have major weaknesses that I got to get under control so that I don't derail possible success and fulfillment with this project based on my weaknesses that's the part I want to understand though so you have these weaknesses they're Rearing their head you're having some kind of emotional response how do you soothe yourself through that is it just a belief that that hey I can learn I'll get to the other side that

the sort of awkwardness is a natural part of the progression or what do you do to keep that emotional demon from consuming you it's an excellent question it brings us to number three right because we've talked about get up we've talked about setting attention oh we've talked about Aligned action and part of aligned action is about your attitude so I think I am proud of this unwavering faith and optimism that I have programmed into my Noggin over the past several years that I believe that whatever it is that I'm doing is leading me somewhere else

that every experience especially like the shitty stuff that you can into the univers is guiding me somewhere kind Of way no I just feel like so so it could be mystical and spiritual but for me it's more of an internal grounded faith and uh you know I think you and I talked about this but I I I I had this kind of uh you know wakeup call moment where I realized oh my God you know you and I are sitting here today Tom and if you and I look back at our lives you can see

how everything that happened led you right here and that even the hardest moments had a deep purpose in shaping Who you are your skills your expertise your heart your soul your habits your perspective and knowing that that's always been true and do you believe that that's true that everything that's happened to you has somehow prepared you for what's happening now I don't believe that it's prepared me I think that it shapes you for sure I think most people live by the law of accident though and I'm terrified to live by the law of accident what

is the law of accident That things happen and I just go with them so I'm not every yes I don't think everything happens for well so one of my favorite quotes everything happens for a reason but sometimes the reason is that you're dumb and unprepared or whatever and it's like stupid you make dumb decisions and yeah that I will agree with but I think that we make meaning and purpose out of things I don't think they intrinsically have mean and purpose uhuh so I think that life so I think the Second law of Thermodynamics is

true that everything leads towards entropy AKA chaos and the only way to get it back on track is what you're walking us through which is you inject energy back into the system and so this idea of aligned action makes a lot of sense to me you have to figure out okay I set my I got out of bed I set my intention and now I'm going to do things that align with my intention yes but that's going to be hard there going to be things that Are knocking me off course so it's interesting that you

have a deep faith that like I guess you've made sense of everything no here here's I let me see if I can explain it this way um I know I guess it it makes me feel grounded confident and assured that all the [ __ ] that's happened back there stuff I would not want to repeat but if it brought me to here I would that it has shaped me Prepared me it has had a purpose do you think things sometimes shap shape you for the worst though I think things shape you for the worse until

you get the lesson or the wakeup call or the frustrated kind of rock bottom moment is Mel Robins just unusually good at making use of that I actually think you are oh I think you know I think that I I hate the fact that I have to hit a [ __ ] wall to your audience though it's really interesting So for the the audience one of the first things you said when you got here was I'm actually doing really well right now I've learned to like reject all the self hatred and beating myself up and

all that yeah and my reaction was that's amazing but you've made such extraordinarily good use out of all your struggle you are uniquely able to take that mess of life and turn it into this really simple idea that people can deploy immediately I literally find it Comforting knowing that that somehow every experience of my life is going to be connected to Something in the future because you're good at learning lessons I have to put that cave up yes and when I believe that the [ __ ] that's going on is going to somehow connect to

Something in the future it allows me to be more resilient it allows me to be a little bit more um is it objective yeah objective when things are going wrong or when I'm In a really low point or when I listen to my first couple like episodes that I Rec okay Rich Roll I'm gonna do a podcast episode now and I listen I'm like holy [ __ ] this sucks and I just took on an advertising part like this really sucks I got a lot of work to do I go yeah and thank God you

had that call with Rich and thank God you're listening to it cuz you're right Mel if you want this to really make make a difference in people's lives if you want to really do Something awesome here you're going to have to [ __ ] like learn something new walk me through that process so what do you doing now the first or what did you do the first few episodes before I came here so we have taped about 17 versions of episode one not because I'm like trying to be perfect but because I have a certain

standard for what I want to put out there and I Literally as we've gotten closer and closer and closer closer and closer and closer to launch I just knew that what we had put out was not what I was supposed to put out and that and I and I kept standing though not like in a place like we're [ __ ] like we're we're literally launching four days from this interview to two hours ago I was in the corner of my hotel room in La M my team had built a a a uh remember when

you're kids you Make those little forts out of uh uh sofa cushions yep I am in a fortress of sofa cushions on the floor of the uh hotel room a mile from here there is a [ __ ] truck outside the window going sounds about right and we've got like a deadline to get this to our sound engineer so we can get mixed in everything and I know that this is this all eaten somewhere else so there's no reason to actually get stressed out about it there's no reason To get nervous about it and so

kind of being able to be in a moment that's high pressure and know that somehow it's going to work out and somehow this lesson is going to connect me to Something in the future and somehow this All Leads somewhere it allows me to show up when shit's going sideways in my life and still maintain this centered Focus level of confidence hey it's Mel thank you so much for being here if you enjoyed that video by God please Subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing thank you so much for being here we've got

so much amazing stuff coming thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family I love you we create these videos for you so make sure you subscribe mAh