all right well welcome to pre-marital counseling yeah thanks for having us absolutely you guys getting excited about the wedding yeah just a few weeks away yeah it's meaningless yeah I'm sorry what your wedding it it has nothing to do with the success of your relationship we should uninvite him I'm not gonna say it's a waste of twenty thousand dollars unless of course you get divorced a few years later which 50 of people do so your marriage is practically a coin flip look I've got one right here what do you think it's going to be I
hope it's not Tails because we already put that deposit down here's the point in all this people love spending countless hours thinking about and planning their wedding they spend almost no time actually figuring out what it takes to stay married after they have one boy I bet you're really fun at parties the sad truth is you most likely had terrible models of what love and selflessness actually look like growing up maybe your parents were emotionally distant or they taught you to believe that you need to earn love through people pleasing or performance and there's a
strong chance that you're both coming into this thing packed full of destructive and toxic behaviors that you're not even aware of well I do have a master's degree your IQ has nothing to do with your EQ I don't think I have either of those so here's my question for both of you what are you gonna do that's any different from all those other people that got divorced or got stuck in an unfulfilling unhealthy marriage well I think what separates us is um that we're in love wrong everyone's in Love on their wedding day do you
know why 50 of those marriages fail because they didn't know what love required of them service selflessness sacrifice not one-sided Mutual they didn't have a plan for how to get things right and they didn't have a plan for what to do and things got hard and stressful which they always do eventually do you have a plan I think our plan is to just not have conflict good one babe right see on the surface that sounds like a good idea except that's usually a sign of past trauma manifesting itself as a subconscious avoidance of vulnerability because
it triggers our fear of Abandonment or rejection huh um Tony did you say something no I did not from what I've seen relationships with absolutely no conflict are superficial and shallow and have no depth to them and at least one partner is terrified to actually be honest about how they are feeling so because of their fear of Abandonment they end up abandoning themselves which only leads to resentment and bitterness that doesn't sound like the best option it's not so let's make this simple relationships only work when both people are putting in the work get emotionally
lazy this thing falls apart put worker Hobbies ahead of your partner this thing falls apart refuse to intentionally prioritize what any relationship needs to survive intimacy trust affection communication vulnerability emotional connection me it falls apart it falls apart yep that's exactly what I was going to say you want this thing to have a chance at surviving create a culture of emotional safety where you actually want your partner to be honest about what they need and how they feel let's learn how to bring things up without passive aggressiveness or criticism or blaming them for how we
feel but let's also learn how to accept someone's feelings and not immediately get defensive or feel attacked or invalidate them her telling you that you unintentionally hurt her or that she's feeling neglected and she would love for you to prioritize her in a new way isn't her not accepting you she's not calling you a failure she's giving you information about how she feels loved and valued because she's an equal in this relationship you are not the judge of her feelings if you don't care about how she's feeling you don't care about her you want to
know what kills relationships a lack of vulnerability you can't be vulnerable because you're terrified that they won't love you if you do you can't be vulnerable because you're not even in touch with how you're feeling you can't be vulnerable because people have told you your whole life that you're not lovable or worthy of kindness and respect and consideration let me tell you right now you are you are lovable any conflict you have I want to make sure that that's at the Forefront of your mind what separates marriages from divorce is your ability to have conflict
without hurting each other in the process with your words and actions and reactions possible and not just possible it's vital I can promise you there is no point in even getting married if you aren't going to create an environment of safety and honesty and love don't expect me to spoon feed all of this to you pretend like it's important to you read a book together start with this one the seven principles for making marriage work by John gottman make it a goal to find ways to respect and honor each other every day look out for
ways to appreciate each other prioritize each other never get lazy when it comes to affection non-sexual or sexual never get lazy when it comes to playfulness and dates and alone time and flirting can you imagine a marriage where both people actually had a desire to serve each other possible and the results are amazing as you think so keep short accounts check in with each other refuse to let any resentment build ask how's it going how are you feeling is there anything on your heart how's your stress how's your anxiety are there any burdens that I
can take off your back because that's what love does this is our person let's act like they are valuable to us Oscar do you feel neglected do you know which husbands ask that the successful ones it's very rare that a marriage fails when both people are consistently asking each other how can we work together to get both of our needs met in this relationship few relationships end due to both Partners prioritizing appreciation and intimacy and respect and vulnerability and consideration and validation and selflessness millions of marriages die due to the lack of those things don't
they don't let that be you because I can tell you from personal experience there is literally no point in getting married if you or your partner isn't committed and devoted to all of this stuff not perfectly just intentionally and purposefully treat this thing as important as your job or your hobbies because faithfulness is not simply not cheating on your partner it's protecting and valuing your partner and this relationship enough to practice humility and empathy and selflessness and listening you find me two people who want to learn about that stuff and I'll find you a couple
who's still thriving years after everyone else is on their second divorce now let's go out there and get married
