My boyfriend of seven years went back home to see his family and instantly started cheating on me. Apparently, everyone at home thinks we've been broken up for 4 months. Posted by you/lucky_amiea_2473.
I, 27f, just found out my boyfriend, 29mm, of 7 years cheated on me. My boyfriend went to our home state to see his family for the weekend. He's been going quite often this year, about once a month, saying it is because his grandparents are old and miss him.
I thought nothing of it until this morning. I got a screenshot from a mutual friend of ours of my boyfriend's location on Snapchat. He was at his parents' house, but a girl's bit emmoji was there as well.
It wasn't his sister or mom, and his parents, who weirdly also have Snapchat, weren't home either. He didn't tell me he was going to be with anyone else today. I tried to call him, but he did not pick up.
I looked on Snapchat, and his location was turned off. The mutual friend says my boyfriend has told everyone at home we had broken up four months ago. He said my boyfriend was making him stay quiet about it because he was trying to find the right time to tell me.
As far as his parents know, he's moving home once our lease is up. The reason our mutual friend told me was because he walked in on my boyfriend and the girl hooking up with each other this morning. I texted an old friend who lives in my hometown and she immediately asked why my boyfriend was on Tinder.
We caught up and she sent me proof his photos on Tinder and his bio. It hurt to see that photos I took of him were used. He had even covered my face in a photo we took together and said, "This could be you.
" I had no idea his family thought we were broken up and that he was looking for other people to date. We even went to Italy a month ago celebrating our 7-year anniversary. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do.
I look around and everything in our apartment seems like a lie. The soon-to-be ex texted me just now and he is on his flight back. He'll be back in about 5 hours.
Obviously, he can find his own way to the apartment from the airport. I'm shocked and numb, but my best friend is with me helping me pack up all my clothes. I'm leaving and I'm not leaving a trace of myself behind.
Our dog is coming with me, and I'll be staying at my best friend's place for now. My soon-to-be ex and I already have separate bank accounts, and our joint bank account does not have much in it right now. I make more than he does, so he can keep it.
I can't go to the leasing office because it's closed on Sundays, but I sent an email asking for early termination on the lease. We're registered as domestic partners, so I've completed the termination form and will drive it up to the LA County office tomorrow. He is on my health insurance, and I've sent the email to HR to kick him off ASAP.
We have several large photo albums together, and I'm not sure what to do with those. Keeping them would be too difficult, but I don't want him to have the satisfaction of having our photos. It's clear he uses our memories in a horrible way.
Is there anything I'm missing? I can't seem to think of anything, and all my thoughts seem so jumbled. Nothing makes sense, but I know I can't stay.
Any help to ghost a person this close to my heart would be appreciated. Update one day later. Thank you everyone for all the solid advice.
I'm compiling everything I did in this first section so if others need a way to cut contact with a person, they can reference this. As mentioned in the comments, I logged myself out of our Apple TV and Xbox. I canled the Wi-Fi that I paid for and returned the modem to the carrier.
I took my payment information for utilities off our account. I packed up all my sauces, spices, and cooking oils and took note to only leave dried rosemary behind. He hates that crap.
I printed out and framed the screenshot of his Tinder profile and left it on the kitchen table. I closed a piece of dog poop into the frame as well. I'll keep the photo albums.
He can have this. I took a video of the entire apartment after packing up all my things. I left my keys in the mailbox to the leasing office and emailed the leasing office of my departure with the videos of what the apartment looked like prior to locking up.
I updated my address for the USPS, vet, hospital, school, work, and my dog's chip. I talked to HR and am in the process of getting him off of my health insurance, changing the benefactor of my life insurance to my parents. If only I could name my dog, an emergency contact.
I'm going to the bank to take myself off the joint bank account. Fortunately, I'm not worried about my credit as all of our finances have stayed separate, but I'm grateful to those who told me to freeze my credit. I logged out of all devices for all streaming services, social media, and my work, personal, and school email.
I blocked him on all social media, chat rooms, and his phone number. I made a doctor's appointment to get STD tested. I'm on my way to an appointment with the county office to terminate our domestic partnership.
It's been an incredibly busy 18 hours, but I've had a lot of help from my friends. I haven't been able to sleep either. As far as what happened since he arrived, here's what's up.
I already blocked him before he landed. I received many texts and calls from his parents and sister that I did not see. Then when I noticed his sister calling, I picked up.
At first, the call was hostile. She accused me of being some crazy ex-girlfriend that couldn't let her brother go. Funny, since I just packed up and left.
She brought up that it had been 4 months and that I needed to move on. I told her that the ex never approached me about breaking up and that one month ago, we celebrated our 7th anniversary and started to plan our wedding. I had no indication he even wanted to break up.
We reset a bit and she allowed me to tell her my side of the story. I told her he was somewhat distant this year, but he had blamed it on their grandparents being old and wanting to spend more time with them before they die. Turns out their grandparents have been dead for 2 years.
I never met them because my ex claimed they were super racist since the grandpa was a Vietnam War vet. I'm SE Asian. Turns out you can't be racist when you're dead.
We ended the call on a positive note with his sister saying that it was a lot to take in. She said she felt bad as the girl he was cheating on me with was one of her friends. She had introduced them to each other sometime last year when my ex was apparently unhappy with our relationship.
They hit it off and he was supposed to break it off with me. I guess he never had the balls to do so. She was also confused as to why he was on Tinder as he was in a relationship with her friend.
I sent her all the Tinder receipts after hanging up. Later in the night, I received an email from the ex. To sum it up, yes, he asked me to come to the apartment to talk it out.
No, he did not apologize for anything. He ended the email with, "I love you. " As far as I know, he doesn't know where I am.
I also don't believe he knows where my friend lives as she just moved and he hasn't been here yet. He also doesn't seem like that type of person, but I guess I didn't really know him after all. We'll keep locks ready and bats near the door.
It's been so helpful just writing out everything that's happened so far. But all of your advice, support, and guidance in this situation has made me feel empowered to leave. At times, I just wanted to stop packing and hope that when he came home, everything would go back to normal and the text would just be a distant memory.
Your words of encouragement have really helped me follow through and leave. Nothing good would have come from staying. Thank you all again.
Top/relevant comments. Additional info from OP. Sorry, I was unclear about the timeline.
The parents and sister called me about 2 hours after he landed. I assume it was because he got home, realized the person paying half his rent will no longer be doing so, and reached out to his family. The dog poop may have contributed to the heightened emotions.
Downloaded commenter. I told her he was somewhat distant this year, but he had blamed it on their grandparents being old and wanting to spend more time with them before they die. Turns out their grandparents have been dead for 2 years.
In two years, you never spoke with anyone in the family. Okay, get a job. AI.
Allow me to tell her my side of the story. Of course, how perfect. As she just moved.
Of course, how perfect. Downloaded comment or two. Yeah, I'd love for one of these stories to be real one day because everyone loves some good old-fashioned vindication, but they've been together for 7 years.
I simply do not see a relationship where one partner is going to visit their family monthly due to grandparents failing health. A relationship where a sister-in-law would feel comfortable enough to call you to berate you post all this BS and the deceitful party would be able to keep both OP and his family in the dark or keep up the lies. Especially as OP thought they were dating to Mary, even if I was semi-aranged from my partner's family and at minimum be reaching out to chat just because as far as she knew, her partner was at least super close to his grandparents.
I'd be doing the most to also mend any bridges or whatever if I was going to be marrying into the family after a damn near decade of dating. Don't even get me started about all she was able to accomplish while apparently distraught within less than 24 hours. Either the majority of comments are also bots or people are genuinely just that desperate to believe.
Ops response. If you don't believe that I did what I said I did, that's on you. A lot of it was sending emails and doing stuff online besides physically moving everything which I did with the help of three friends and putting poop in a picture frame.
As for not knowing his grandparents, it's not super relevant to the post why we're not close, but it was because the first 5 years of our relationship, they were no contact. The last two years is when they've reconciled, probably when his grandparents actually died. Why haven't I gotten to know them better since then?
Two reasons: distance and racism. Though we're both from the same Midwest hometown, his family still lives there. Mine moved away to SoCal, where we live now.
To get there, it's 7 hours at the airport with a layover, plus a 2-hour drive to get to their house. If I like them, the travel time wouldn't be the problem. But his family is racist.
I'm SE Asian, and they're old white folks. Since I've met them, they repeatedly mispronounce my name, call me slurs as a joke, and sometimes pretend I don't speak English. The last time we had dinner was over a year ago, and the main joke of the night was how I was a CCP agent honeypotting their son.
I wasn't laughing. We have each other's phone numbers for emergencies, but I'm not chomping at the bit to be reaching out to chat just because I wasn't going to mend any bridges or whatever because I'm not going to change how I look or where my parents are from anytime soon. As for why the sister called, Mr Cheater Pants was mad the woman he cheated on would no longer be paying half the rent.
And I guess his sister took it personally. I don't really care. Commenter two, you know what?
I looked at your username and assumed this was some new account rage or engagement baiting. I always read those posts, roll my eyes, and move on. And I guess I kind of made a jerk out of myself this time.
I literally was so pressed a few weeks ago when some rando claimed I was lying about a kitten I've spent months rehabbing. And to be honest, it still bothers me. All that is to say, I genuinely apologize.
I'm Mexican myself with a white husband and a grandfather-in-law who likes to make underhanded, sly remarks, who thankfully we rarely see, and a father-in-law that my husband cut contact with due to his overtly gross commentary. I truly hope you find peace again. I'm very sorry I jumped to conclusions.
I should have been more thoughtful. Ops response. That's okay.
Thank you for coming back to say this. We can all make a jerk of ourselves sometimes. I'm sorry you have to go through that stuff with your father-in-law and grandfatherin-law, though.
It seems like you probably gave your in-laws more of a chance than I did. I hope the kitten you're rehabilitating is doing well. Commenter three.
I wanted to say I also had a relationship 6. 75 years in where he started being distant and emotionally cheating on me. When we finally broke up, it was really rough for a bit.
Not because I still loved him, but because the future in life that I was building all fell apart. Right now, you are still in a high adrenaline rush of getting all your ducks in a row to go. I commend you for taking all the advice given and acting on it.
Once the cal settles in, that's when it's hard. I felt empty and like my life had just reset and I had to start all over again. This is the time to do all of the things that you wanted that may have been put on the back burner due to your relationship.
Go to that concert you've always wanted to go to but he never wanted to because he didn't like the artist. Go on dates that you want to do and learn who you are without him. Lastly, I wanted to say that after that it gets easier.
Trust me, you'll be happier because you won't accept the mediocrity that was in your last relationship. The happiest part of your life begins now. Ops response.
Thanks for saying this. Now that things are starting to settle down, I can feel a lot of sadness start to creep in. Maybe it's for him, but I know it's partially for the future I had seen for myself for so long.
Now I feel like I don't know what direction forward is, and I feel a bit lost. Someone had suggested counseling/ therapy, and before this adrenaline fully leaves, I'll try to schedule that because I'm sure it'll help. I suppose the good thing about not having to plan for a wedding anymore is that I have more money for Lady Gaga tickets.
Haha. Thank you so much for the kind words and warning of what's to come. I appreciate it.
Second update 2 weeks later. Here's the second update for you guys. I tried to make it into another post, but you're only allowed to post twice in a month on relationship advice.
I had no idea. Hi everyone. The last couple of weeks have been very difficult.
After the dust settled, I lost my steam and was inconsolable for a while. I'm fine, but emotionally, this breakup has been very difficult. An update on some of the logistics that I listed in the last update.
The lease will be terminated in 15 days. The initial email I sent out was my 30-day notice. I paid a lump sum of 2 months rent plus prrated rent for 2 weeks.
I don't know how, but I didn't need my ex's signature or anything to accomplish this, which I thought was weird, but did not question. I emailed the termination of lease to the ex. My payment information is no longer on utilities, but his is.
He will be paying for the utilities if he's still there. I was able to get my ex off my health insurance as US health insurance is currently in the open enrollment period. However, if the timing was worse, like if this happened several months ago, I would have had to wait until open enrollment.
Guess I got lucky. This information was emailed to the ex as well. Though the form for termination of domestic partnership has been submitted, it will likely take 5 to 6 months for it to be processed and officially terminated since I didn't have him with me to sign it.
That's fine by me. As of now, I am not positive for any STDs, but I will check again in several weeks as advised by my doctor. The joint bank account was closed.
I was not able to take myself off of it without the ex being present, but I was able to close it by myself. I mailed his parents house the check of everything in there. It was less than $10.
After emailing the ex the termination of lease and that he is no longer a dependent on my health insurance, I got a reply from him saying I ruined his life. No apology, not that it would have changed anything. I know a lot of people wanted more information about his family and him, but I haven't reached out to them or answered when they reached out to me.
I just don't have the heart for it, but my parents did. My dad did get a call from the ex. The ex told them I kicked him out of the apartment.
Untrue as he still has his keys and that he won't have access to his meds anymore due to not being on my insurance. True. He created a sob story about his grandparents death being hard on him and that I wasn't there to support him in that time.
Somehow this was an excuse for being unfaithful, but he wanted to work it out with me. Both my parents speak English just fine, but said sorry, we know speak English and hung up. Kudos to his racist parents for inspiring my dad.
None of us have heard from him since. I will say I am extremely lucky. I have a job and am financially stable.
Though paying the termination fees and whatnot was difficult, I know I will be okay in the long run. I'm also very lucky my non-romantic relationships have kept me afloat. Though the last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest in my life, my best friends, family, and even co-workers have been there to support me.
I've also started therapy, which I'm also lucky to have access to. I'm so thankful to all of you who shared your advice in the comments and who have reached out to me to make sure I'm doing well. The support I've gained from this community and my own community shows me I didn't really lose that much in this breakup.
Instead, I've gained so much. It's been difficult to mourn the future I thought I would have, but as time has passed, I realize that future wasn't that great in the first place. I likely won't post again for a while.
partially because of the two post limit but also because even in two weeks nothing much has happened and I want to focus more on moving on. I hope if you're in a similar situation you also have the strength to leave. Top/relevant comments commenter the audacity of your ex is unbelievable but omg the sorry we know speak English is hilarious you will heal from all this and be all right.
Commenter two, I was shocked reading all your posts. Your boyfriend is vile. Cheating and telling people he'd already broken up with you was awful.
Sharing that he's been getting meds on your health policy makes me think he did only stay with you because of this. He's been using you. Well done for kicking him to the curb.
You've done brilliantly dealing with everything. It's hard now, but always know your worth. He ruined a seven-year relationship and couldn't even apologize to you.
tells you he loves you to manipulate you back when he'd hooked up with another girl that morning. He's so disrespectful, it's unreal. Now he can move back to his hometown as he planned.
Just to add, his sister was a cow for introducing him to her friend, knowing he was still with you at the time.
