If you're like most men, your interactions with women are probably quite frankly baffling and mysterious. Sometimes the girl likes you for some inexplicable reason. And a lot of times, probably most of the time, she doesn't.
And when she doesn't seem to like you, there seems to be very little you can do about it. She's just there and it's boring. [music] It's platonic.
It goes nowhere. And you have no idea how to inject any kind of sexual tension, any kind of mantooman energy into the interaction at all. In this video, I'm going to show you the easiest way to take these situations where the girl sees you in not a sexual light at all and have her see you not only in a sexual light, but also in a very positive sexual light.
It's actually very, very easy, but there are some nuances, so it's also easy to mess up. So, let's get into the absolutely easiest way possible to create sexual tension. [music] Let's do a thought experiment.
We're gonna be a fly on the wall at some random bar and watch the male female interactions. What would we see? We'd probably see the majority of interactions where the guy is essentially boring the woman to death.
The conversation is platonic, boring, it's about the weather, and the man is too terrified to show any kind of sexual interest or sexual desire at all. That conversation inevitably slowly peters out to nothing, and the girl excuses herself with something like, "Well, it was nice to meet you. " And then she walks off.
On the other hand, we'll see a few men who are either bolder or more drunk perhaps who will be very overt, very forward, and it's very, very clear that they are interested in the girl. It's so clear that it probably creeps the girl out. And even if it didn't totally creep her out, the girl completely knows that she can have him.
And so, there's no tension whatsoever. There's just sexual aggressiveness going on. And that's not going to work very often either.
And then there's one guy in the bar, possibly this guy right here. But in any case, there's one guy in the bar who is actually charming women. The conversations are sexual.
You see the woman smiling, giggling, touching him even. It's clear that it's man to woman, but actually it seems like the girl is hitting on the guy. It seems like he's sitting back.
She's leaning into him. It seems like she's reacting and talking even more than he is. How is that possible?
The major difference between what this successful guy is doing versus all the other unsuccessful guys boils down to one simple thing which is teasing or possibly a very related concept to teasing which is flirting. So what are teasing and flirting? Very simply teasing is giving a girl a hard time in a light-hearted way.
Flirting is showing manto-woman interest in a way that is usually light-hearted but which doesn't completely give the power away. It's maybe manto woman interest with some disinterest or man towoman interest with some question marks attached to it. So it's not completely obvious.
So why are teasing and flirting so powerful? Essentially as a man it is your job to take a relationship in a sexual direction if it's to go in that direction. Most of the time the woman will not do that for you.
This requires what we'd call escalation. Moving things in a more sexual direction. So that means things like touching more, bringing up more sexual topics, holding longer eye contact, these things which convey more and more sensuality.
Most men don't do this at all. And that brings us to the first type of man we talked about who's just boring the woman to death. On the other hand, some men do this in a very, very overt way, and that's the second guy who's extremely creepy.
So here's the secret sauce to attracting women. The goal is to show interest without being needy and without being obvious. If you can do that, she will actually chase you.
But that's a paradox. Assume, for example, you approached a woman. How do you approach a woman, show interest, show that you're interested in talking to her, and at the same time not be needy, and not be obvious?
It seems pretty paradoxical, right? Or how do you initiate physical touch with a woman without being needy and obvious? Obviously, you touching her is a forward gesture.
How is that even possible? Well, let me give you some examples. What if instead of walking straight up to a girl and saying, "You're hot," you said, "Hey, I like your look.
" What you've done there is you've still shown interest, but you've softened the interest. You've shown a little bit less interest. You've been a little less committal with the interest, but you've still shown some, and you've still made it a little bit less manwoman.
So, what you've done there is you've just toned it down. Or what if instead of saying, "Hey, you're hot. " You said, "You know what?
You're cute. Fingers crossed you're not crazy. " In that case, what you've done is you've shown a positive with a negative.
That's what we'd call a pushpull. And that means you're tempering the interest by showing a little bit of disinterest with it. Or what if instead of saying, "Hey, I want to sleep with you.
" You said, "You know what? We are not sleeping together tonight. " That's called saying it in the negative.
So, you're still saying a man towoman thing, but you're saying as though it's not going to happen, instead of saying as though it is going to happen. One final way would be to compare her to something that's kind of silly or nonsexual. So, instead of saying, "You're hot," you say, "Yeah, you're cute.
Reminds me of my little sister. " So, in this case, you're toning it down and you're comparing her to a nonsexual object instead of something that's an object of kind of sexual lust. These are some very obvious formats, but there are tons of others, even a lot of simpler ones.
Like for example, she says where she's from, he goes, "You're one of those. " Or maybe you say, "I can't believe you just did that. " Right?
Simple things like that that are giving her a hard time also work. What you'll notice as a thread among all of these though is you are talking about whether or not you are interested in the girl, whether or not you like the girl. You're showing some approval or disapproval of the girl, but it's done in a playful, light, fun way.
There's also some tension. There's ambiguity between do you like the girl or do you dislike her? There are elements of positive and elements of negative at the same time.
If you fully understood those formats, great. If you didn't, let's keep it simple. It all boils down to giving her a hard time in a light-hearted way.
Or even better yet, giving her a hard time regarding a potential relationship in a light-hearted way. Why does this work? Why do women like this?
Well, if the conversation's too low stakes, it's boring. If the conversation's too high stakes and obvious, it's kind of threatening, intimidating, scary. And also, when a girl knows she can have a guy, there's no suspense there.
It's like knowing the end of the mystery movie before you watch the movie. When the girl's interest has been peaked and she thinks there's a possibility, but she doesn't know for sure she can have the guy. This is what really gets her interested and excited.
Also, to be fair, it just makes you stand out. You're not being boring and you're not being so over the top. It actually makes her sit up and take notice and say, "You know what?
This guy's different. " And finally, as the girl gets more and more and more attractive, the simple fact that you can be playful and light-hearted in these areas actually sets you apart because most guys are walking on eggshells around her or are so nervous they can barely even talk to her. What girls want fundamentally on a very deep biological level is the guy who's out of their league, but whom they have a special connection with that brings them together.
Flirting and teasing, interestingly enough, kind of simulates this because you're having a fun interaction that's charged and worthwhile, but at the same time, you're coming at it from a position of you're kind of higher value than them and you don't need them. Specifically, one of the easiest ways to tease is just to disagree with the girl or actually show a little bit of disdain for the girl. I had a friend years and years ago, his whole method of attracting women was this.
He said, "For the first 5 minutes, I disagree with the girl. After that, I start agreeing with her. " And he's not too far off.
So maybe this is the first time you've ever heard about teasing and flirting and this is all new to you. Or maybe this is something you've known for a long time. Regardless, let me tell you one major issue guys have once they start to try and tease.
The issue is that with teasing, there is a range of kind of strengths for any given tease. It's possible to tease and be so subtle the girl barely even notices it, in which case the tease kind of didn't have a purpose. On the other hand, it's possible to tease and be so offensive the girl throws a drink in your face and runs away.
And figuring out where to be on this spectrum, you want to be kind of in the middle, in the sweet spot. Figuring out how to get there isn't necessarily always the easiest thing. Let me give you some tips for that.
Number one, because teases are playful, you typically don't want to tease girls on things they can't change. That's going to make your tease very inflexible. So, if you tease a girl on wearing a funny outfit, that's something she can change.
That's a choice she made tonight. If you tease a girl on her nose being a funny shape, she might get very, very offended. If you tease a girl on having a cute little accent, there's a lot of range you can play with in there.
If you tease a girl on being stupid and not knowing the language, you might get yourself into the offensive zone. So, as a general principle, tease on choices she's made and tease on things she can change rather than teasing on permanent things. By the way, one more reason not to tease on permanent attributes is that a lot of the permanent attributes will get you into the realm of politics or religion or other similar topics which are just toxic to flirty conversation.
So, just to reiterate, point number one, tease on things she can change. One other major tip in teasing the right way, delivery matters. You need to come off as playful and not caring about the outcome.
If you come off like you're too serious or if you come off like you care too much about getting a reaction, your tease won't work. One good illustration story for this is one I will probably remember till the day I die. Early in my years of teaching guys to be successful with women, I had a guy who understood that teasing a girl about being a bad girl versus a good girl was an effective tease.
However, his delivery was way too serious. So instead of being like, "Yeah, you're kind of a bad girl, huh? " He was like, "You are a bad girl.
" Right? Very harsh, very accusatory, and terrified the [ __ ] out of the girl. She just ran off.
Right? So, his delivery of a playful line was not at all playful. It was too harsh and it scared the girl.
On the other hand, you can deliver a line and care too much about the interaction, right? You could throw off a line like, "Yeah, you and I are not going to get along. " Which is fine.
Or you could say like, "You and I are not going to get along. Did you get it? Did it work?
Huh? Huh? Did I get a reaction?
" Right? If you're doing that, if you seem to care too much, if you're too invested in the outcome, that also won't work. Teasing is meant to be light-hearted.
And no girl wants to feel like you're trying to push her buttons. She wants to feel like you're this aloof cool guy who just happens to be pushing her buttons because he's so cool. So those are the basics of teasing.
But the reason I was actually inspired to make this video is something that came up when I was coaching students in Barcelona a few weeks ago. What happened was we were doing a teasing exercise getting the guys to be lighthearted, deliver good teasing lines, that sort of thing. And one of my students asked me, he said, "Here's this tease that came to my mind, but I think it's too harsh.
I don't think I could ever say this to an actual girl. She'd definitely get offended. " And he was right.
The thing that he would have said would have offended the girl. But the thing was, by just changing a couple words, he could take this really bad tease and turn it into a really good tease. The difference between a bad tease and a good tease is often just a little bit of phrasing, a little bit of delivery.
Specifically, almost any concept verbally can be scaled up or down. So, for example, nice could be scaled up to cute, which could be scaled up to hot. Nice is so innocuous, it might not get a reaction at all.
Cute is light and playful and might get some reaction. Hot is very, very risky and could definitely be over the top in many cases. Now, I'm not saying hot couldn't work.
It could, but it's risky. So, how do you know the distinction between what word is the correct word and also how do you come up with this word in the moment? Well, for this, I have a little bit of bad news for you, which is it's a thing we call calibration.
It means you have to go out, try it in the real world, and see what works. However, the good news is your brain is literally wired to learn this stuff faster than just about anything else. That's because throughout all of our evolution, social consequence and social approval and social feedback has been so critical to our survival.
So, if you will get up off your ass, go out and try and tease some girls and get some feedback, you're going to pick it up really, really fast. This is not something you can pick up just by sitting in a chair watching a video, but it is something you'll pick up incredibly fast if you're willing to go out, talk to a girl, and take a risk. So, there's no way around it.
You're going to have to go out, you're going to have to talk to girls in the real world to get calibration. However, there's one other thing that almost nobody does that I would actually suggest that you do, which is after you talk to girls, I want you to go over your interactions. go over the critical moments or if you want to record your interactions, however you want to get feedback on what you did, I want you to go back over it and ask yourself, what could I have done better?
And in the moment, you have to just do your best. Afterwards, you can take as long as you want to try different drafts. So, if you tried nice, then rewrite it as cute and see if you like it better.
Rewrite as hot and see if you like it better. So, there's no way around going out and getting the experience. However, there's one final step that's going to make that experience better for you and that's going to set you apart from just the random drunk guy in the bar who just talks to a lot of girls.
And you're going to be the expert who is calibrated and like surgically precise in what you say to girls. And what I want you to do for this is after you go out, when you come home, I want you to just ask yourself a few questions about your night or your day talking to girls. And the three questions are this.
Question number one, what were my best approaches and why? Question number two, what were my biggest challenges and why? And question number three, what were my biggest takeaways?
I've been asking students these questions after we go out on my boot camps for literally the last 15 years, and you would be amazed how much you can discover from. But specific to this video, I want you to ask the question not just about your overall interaction, but I want you to ask the question about your flirting and teasing. What were my best flirts and teases?
What really worked? What were my biggest failures in flirting and teasing? And what am I going to do differently the next time?
Now, in this video, we've discussed teasing all the way from the very basics to some very advanced concepts. So hopefully whatever level you're at, there was something in there for you. But the biggest thing you need to know about teasing and flirting is this.
You need to create sexual tension. And sexual tension has two pieces. Sexual and tension.
That means you have to take the risk. You have to put it out there that there is some interest, but there has to be tension. It can't be completely obvious.
We've talked about a lot of ways to do it, but the most important thing is one that you do it, and two, that you bring this playful attitude, but at the same time, a desire to move things forward. If you have that, you're moving in the right direction. Thanks for watching.
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