welcome one and all to The Late Show I'm your host Stephen colar ladies and gentlemen check the notches on your arm because it's been exactly one week since the election and already this is becoming a country I no longer recognize because right here in New York City today mayor Adams instituted a ban on trash bag mountains no mountains of trash bags on the sidewalks of New York what's next no on the F train to paraphrase The Great Cat Stevens without mountains of trash where do the children play Daddy I wish we could build a trash
man one time I put a hat on it and it came to life no son that wasn't a magic trash man you just woke up Rudy Giuliani today thank you [Music] today and this is this whole thing is all part of a plan right today is just the next stage in what city officials are calling mayor Eric Adams trash Revolution well of course our nation from the days of its founding fathers had a proud history of trash Revolution who could forget this song from Hamilton I am not throwing away my [Laughter] trash City Hall is
giving homeowners a couple months to get it together but starting on January 2nd landlords who flout the rules will face f finds of $50 oo $50 so scary it's New York my coffee cost 75 bucks the free milk you put in yourself 50 bucks greatest city in the world of course down in Washington giant piles of trash are about to take power Trump has begun Donald Trump true yeah they won Trump has begun naming his cabinet and he's expected to pick Marco Rubio for Secretary of State I'm sorry I misread that it should be Lil
Secretary of State this is actually kind of surprising Trump and Rubio as I'm sure you know have a long and checkered history back when Rubio was running against Trump in the 2016 primary he hit Trump below the belt he's always calling me Little Marco and I ad me guy he's taller than me he's like 62 which is why I don't understand why his hands are the size of someone who's 5'2 and you know what they say about men with small hands they keep your balls in a jar on their desk so so what changed in
their relationship well Rubio saw that people like Trump more than they like him so he said his lips on butt smooch and apparently Trump noticed how enthusiastically Rubio hit the surrogate circuit and the campaign Trail oh okay so even if you spend years insulting Donald Trump you can get back in his good Gra es just by praising him which is why I'd like to take this opportunity to say to our new president-elect pass if appointed now if appointed if appointed Rubio would also make history as the first Latino to ever serve as the nation's top
Diplomat now that's a big milestone and we here at the Late Show are always looking for Silver Linings to this next Administration so let's go to my writer Caroline who is Latina Caroline are you ready to celebrate the first Latino Secretary of State thanks Caroline Caroline one of my writers everybody thank you you look fantastic joining Rubio in the Splash Zone will be South Dakota governor Christy gnome who will serve as Trump's Secretary of Homeland Security which means DHS now stands for dogs hide shotgun I know I know it's important not to focus on that
one time christye gome shot a dog because it's just as important to remember that she also shot and killed her family's goat we go now live to America's Barnyard for a reaction to G's appointment Trump trump has also selected Lee zeldon to run the EPA now you may not know much about Lee zeldon because he's from New York but we all you know live and work here in New York and we also know nothing about him it's Congress he was in Congress he was in Congress after getting the gig zeldon went on Fox News to
praise his boss president Trump when when he called me up uh gosh he he was rattling off 15 20 different priorities clear Focus oh yes nothing nothing says clear Focus like having 15 or 20 priorities reminds me of when FDR said this the only thing we have to fear is fear itself also spiders and bears and clowns and the babao and calling someone you know the wrong name and then it's too late to go back and ask and accidentally eating a staple from the takeout bag one Trump Ally who hasn't been asked to join the
administration is Trump's former attorney and Mortuary test dummy Rudy Giuliani it's been a bit of a tough ride for Rudy lately he's losing all his assets you see after he was ordered to pay $148 million to the two Georgia election workers that he defamed with the big lie yeah he hasn't has he done he has not turned he hasn't turned over everything yet but last week his checking account was seized and now Rudy says he's too broke to buy food and as of today in New York there are no more Mountains of garbage for him
to pick through but you know what I am not worried that Rudy's going to starve this winter any more than a squirrel would because we know he's great at digging for nuts Rudy Giuliani it's an oldie but a goodie Rudy Giuliani is not the only one who's a a little shaky right now a lot of Americans are feeling unsettled since the election which is one of the reasons why according to Google internet searches for how to move abroad are up by more than 1,000% there's also been a spike in searches for frosting near me induced
self-c coma howto and cried so hard I pooped question mark additionally that is the laughter of recognition additionally us searches for move to Canada increased by 1,270 making this a perfect time to debut my new reality show who Wants to Marry a mounty Andrea we really connected over the past to dinner will you accept this moose come here fell yeah it was a moose on a leash uhuh right that's how you lead moose around on a leash right that's what you do there was also a massive increase in searches like cost to move to Canada
from US can I move to Canada if Trump wins and moving to Canada requirements well I can help you there you'll need to know uh that up there they call winter hats toes uh that they think ketchup is a potato chip flavor and up there munchkins are Tim bits which raises the question which bits of Tim do they want you to munch on [Laughter] if you want to flee the country uh but can't get into Canada one Cruise Line is offering fouryear trips to people looking to avoid a second Trump term the cruise takes place
on a ship called the Odyssey CU When I think positive travel experience I think the Odyssey all right everybody Welcome Aboard first stop is wow you're very kind but the monologue is not over yet that that's the reaction of a group of people going let's just wrap this up buddy I was about to embody the cruise director on Odus ship let's give that a try shall we he might say something like this welcome aboard everybody first stop is cannibal Island then we're captured by a oneeyed monster but first things first you got to strap you
to the mass so you can resist the sirens call oh calm down everybody back home thinks you're dead moving on wow this this is going to be a long four years ah ah ah ah ah listen I want to talk for a moment about Wheel of Fortune the number one show to watch while Mom heats up soup this week my friends over at wheel went viral for one contestant's attempt to solve the puzzle I'd like to buy you well you're going to get three U's I like to solve the puzzle okay well let's hear it
treat yourself a round of sausage [Laughter] I I've seen that footage before and it took me by surprise I love his confidence yes he solved the puzzle of My Broken Heart our wounded Nation needs to treat ourselves a round of sausage but sadly ladies and gentlemen sadly that answer was incredibly indelibly eternally wrong after the gentleman whose name I believe is will after will uh missed the answer by a lot it was his rival's turn over to ktina I would like to solve okay give yourself a round of applause yeah that's it yes good job
ktina good job ktina you do you did it girl and you know what treat yourself a round of sausage everybody we got a great show for you tonight my guest is Francis for CA but when we come back I announce this year's sexiest man alive [Music] [Music] w [Applause]
