Why Does It Take Months For An Ex To Come Back?

[Music] today we're going to talk about why it takes months for an x to come back after a breakup now a recent study conducted by us have found that on average it takes around 5.2 months for an x to come back after a breakup so today we're going to look at why it tends to take so long for them to come back and we believe it really has to do with four pretty simple concepts so let's just dive in right now and talk about what each of those concepts is so the first concept is that

avoidance on average take longer to reconnect with yep the old faithful avoidant attachment style now there's a lot to talk about here but i think the best place to start is by giving you sort of a broad blanket definition that we can apply to avoiding individuals now the avoidant attachment style is usually considered a person who protects themselves at all costs by valuing their independence over dependence now generally while they enter to a relationship they're looking for an excuse to leave the moment that the other person is perceived as threatening their independence again not the

super complicated version of avoidance that you're probably expecting but it's going to do for our purposes so here are a few truths about avoiding individuals that you may not know number one is in general they take longer to get back because they only really fawn after an ex when they feel safe number two is they usually only feel safe when they've moved on to someone else when you've moved on someone else or a lot of time has gone by also avoidance are typically very susceptible to a concept called the phantom x syndrome where they basically

want to stay away from you because they like fawning after you from afar without the actual threat of being dependent on a relationship the reason i'm digging in so hard on avoidance here is because a recent poll in our private facebook support group found that most of our clients exes are avoidant so a lot of times when new clients come to us we actually have to undo their expectations on how long the process will take unfortunately we often aren't the first stop people have during their breakup journey they'll usually go to one of our competitors

they'll get seduced by all these quick success stories you know the people that claim you know i got my ex back in 30 days or he came back to me during the no contact ruler it was super easy these well maybe true stories for some of our competitors aren't indicative of what we've actually seen in the field now since we really try to ensure that every piece of advice we give is based on some type of internal or external research that we can point to to back up our hypotheses we're really careful never to try

to over promise a timeline to someone so realistically if you're going to do everything right it's going to take somewhere between three to eight months for this process to work but why not sooner well we actually think that's where concept two comes into play and that's the time dilation factors this isn't exactly a new concept but i'd figure a dig in a bit here since it's really relevant to our discussion a sort of time dilation exists with attachment cells and if you've ever seen the movie interstellar you'll know time dilation has to do really with

how people perceive time what i'd like to do is actually use a simple 30 day time frame to look at each core attachment style and use 30 days to sort of illustrate my point to look at how 30 days will feel for someone so let's start at the top for someone with a secure attachment style 30 days is going to feel like 30 days for someone with an anxious attachment style 30 days will typically feel like 45 days for someone with an avoidant attachment style 30 days will feel like 15 days for someone with a

fearful attachment style 30 days will feel like 15 days then 45 days then back to 15 days you know fearful attachment cells are kind of just a combination of both the worst aspects of an anxious person and avoiding person so 45 15 back and forth back and forth this is really a relevant practice to perform because really there are two factors in making it seem so long for an ex to come back firstly your ex is probably avoidant so their perception of time is such that it's going to take longer for them to get to

that place emotionally where they feel comfortable fawning over you from afar additionally our research has indicated that most of our clients have anxious attachment cells more on this in a second so that probably means that not only are you dealing with an avoiding x but your sense of time is altered so that 30 days is actually feeling longer than it actually is combine these two sets of opposing time dilations together and you have a situation that feels a lot longer than it actually is but let's talk a little bit more about the anxious attachment style

real quick i want to say that if you're new to this youtube channel or you're trying to figure out what you should be doing to get your ex back and you're trying to learn if you even have a chance in your specific circumstance probably the smartest thing for you to do is actually stop by our website www.exboyfriendrecovery.com or take our ex recovery chances quiz that can be found at xboyfriendrecovery.com now if you're watching this on youtube taking that free quiz is super easy to do all you have to simply do is look in the description

link below this youtube video and click on the link you see there it will take you directly to the quiz where you can fill it out and get an easy answer on what you should be doing going forward and overall what your chances look like in your specific situation all right so let's get you back to the video concept three anxious behaviors from our clients usually makes the process take longer but it's not their fault so the average coupling we see in our coaching practice is anxious client and avoidant ex now usually the trajectory of

their relationships looks like something like this the avoidant person wants someone to love them they find you they feel like their troubles are over you're in the midst of a honeymoon phase then they start to notice some worrying things then they use those worrying things as an excuse to leave then they decide to leave the relationship then they're really happy they left the relationship then they start to feel kind of lonely they start to feel kind of depressed they start to feel sorry for themselves why can't i ever find the right person leading them back

to the beginning of the cycle i want someone to love me oh i found someone else and on and on it goes i've talked a lot about this i have a lot of different names for it my favorite personal favorite is the relationship death wheel because usually avoidance and anxious individuals are trapped in this wheel they cannot get out of it but in particular for our discussion here on why it takes so long for x's to come back we're interested in part number three of the cycle the part where your ex or the avoidance starts

to notice some worrying things now assuming that your ex is indeed avoidant and you are indeed anxious then those worrying things are usually some type of threat to your ex's independence brought on by an anxious need for reassurance it starts off small and insignificant but an avoidant is subconsciously looking for a way out of the relationship and they'll use any excuse they can get as such they're usually caught up in this cycle with an anxious where the anxious gets close the avoidant runs away the anxious starts a fight the avoidant avoids the situation then there's

a short-lived reconciliation and on and on and on again now i'm not trying to shame anyone here or even say that the anxious person did anything wrong many times they're just reacting to an avoidant and trying to keep the relationship alive out of desperation which is a very as weird as it sounds admirable quality all i'm saying is that each time the anxious tries to get close to an avoidant you have when it reads it as a threat to their independence and then ultimately runs away now the more the cycle plays out the more trauma

and bad experiences build within the avoidant so that by the time an actual breakup occurs the avoidant has filed away all these anxious associations about their exes and they hold that against them what's even worse is that after a breakup is usually when an anxious person gets triggered the worst because their worst fear has just come true they've been abandoned and so they react try to stop the way they're feeling which in turn just pushes the avoidant away and creates more trauma thus extending the time frame as a whole now the absolute best thing you

can do after a breakup with an avoidant is to simply leave them alone it's not what you want to hear but it's what works of course there's one other interesting thing we need to talk about and that is the situational considerations so i started ex-boyfriend recovery back in 2012 and when i first started essentially half of my time was spent answering broken-hearted individuals i would literally spend like i think i timed it one time was like five hours and one day where i started answering every single comment on the website at that time i was

answering every single contact form thing we would get on the website and i just started getting into facebook at the time so i was answering every facebook message all about broken-hearted individuals and after months of doing this five hours a day month after month after month not only did i burn out but i started to notice some certain patterns for example one of the things that almost everyone says is that they think their situation is unique if you don't believe me and you're watching this on youtube or you're listening to this on a podcast go

to my website look at some of my articles uh or even youtube videos with a ton of comments and almost always you'll see a comment like this so i slightly have a unique situation or my situation is really unique i don't know how to deal with it most of the time people are wrong their situation isn't unique it's situational now what do i mean by that put simply they aren't sure how to handle their specific situation and to make matters worse some situations will just naturally take longer than others to see success with there's just

like a naturally longer timeline in certain situations this is also one of the reasons that it can take months for an x to come back into the picture but what are those situations well we've actually located four situations where no matter what you do it's generally going to take a longer time to see results number one is any type of long-distance relationship number two is any situation where your ex has a new boyfriend or girlfriend number three is your ex has been deployed via military and number four is you cheated on your ex and it

takes time to rebuild trust are you seeing a common theme here there's usually some obstacle whether it be person or distance that prevents a clean pathway back to you it's not that these situations are impossible or we've not seen success with them believe it or not we do really well with long distance relationships and situations where your ex has moved on to someone new it's just that you need to temper your expectations go in thinking it's going to take a long time to see results as opposed to being seduced by the get rich quick schemes

no in this context the get-rich-quick scheme in this instance is falling for the get your ex back to 20 days claims by some of my peers if you want to do this right then it's going to take time discipline and to be honest a bit of luck you