Welcome friends. [cheering] Welcome friends. Romans countrymen.
Hello. [cheering] Welcome in here and out there to the late show. I'm your host Steven Colbear and I just want to start off tonight.
[cheering] Thank you. Thank you. I want to start off the show tonight with a heartfelt foo because after weeks of threatening to go to war with our NATO allies over Greenland, an island that is neither green nor has much land, yesterday at the 11th hour, Trump announced that he had reached the framework of a Greenland deal with NATO.
You hear that everybody? >> The problem that we never had until he created it is finally solved. Good news everyone.
I'm taking the loaded shotgun from the chimp I gave it to. Good boy Bobo. Good boy.
As a reward, take this hand grenade. Hold it tight. Now, Bobo, me friend.
Pin stay in. Before we get into details of this framework, uh I have to warn you that there are none and uh that the nun is also very vague. Here's Trump uh attempting to explain it yesterday.
>> We have a concept of a deal. It looks like we have pretty much a concept of a deal. >> Concept of a deal.
Why does that phrase sound so familiar? >> Obamacare was lousy healthcare. So, just a yes or no, you still do not have a plan.
>> I have concepts of a plan. >> Well, at least we finally know his replacement for Obamacare. Greenland.
Now, we first learned of the concept of the framework of a possibility of a shadow of a ricochet of an echo of a deal yesterday when Trump posted based upon a very productive meeting that I had with the Secretary General of NATO, Mark Ruddy. We have formed the framework of a future deal with respect to Greenland. This solution, if consummated, will be a great one.
[laughter] If that's a weird phrase, if consummated, is he going to? [laughter] Is he gonna Greenland? All right, [cheering] there you go.
That's what you get right there. [applause] Now, one would imagine that if you want to take over all or part of any country, you would negotiate with that country. But no surprise, Greenland's Prime Minister, Jans Frederick Nielsen, repeatedly noted that he has not been told what the Trump ruddy framework entails.
So Greenland isn't part of the negotiations. Dearly beloved, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce this couple, husband and woman, who just found out this is happening. Come on in, Doris, Masletov, you'll find out why later.
So, we we don't know what the Greenland plant is, and neither does Greenland, but that did not stop Trump from crowing this morning that he won whatever the hell this is. >> We're getting everything we wanted. Total security, total access to everything.
>> Okay, this may surprise you, but he is lying. We know we we know everything that Trump wanted. Okay.
And this isn't it. He laid out his things he wanted in this AI picture of him planting the American flag in Greenland with JD Vance and I want to say the secret seventh Wahberg brother [laughter] Tito. That Can we go back to the sign?
That sign there. It says Greenland, US territory established 2026. Meaning it's ours and it's not and it ain't going to be.
Instead, it sounds like the deal is going to be a lot like what the United States already had, making it look a whole lot like Trump folded or tacoed. So, yes. [cheering] Yes.
[applause] So, yes, he blew up an 80-year post-war alliance with Europe, but at least it wasn't for nothing. It was for the concept of nothing. Again, [applause and cheering] again, not all or possibly any of the details have been worked out for us to get what we already have, but at least we got a concrete idea of the timeline of it.
>> How long would the deal be, Mr President? >> Uh, infinite. >> Will there's no timeline, but it's forever.
It's signed forever. It's a deal that's forever. It's what's called an infinite deal.
>> Of course. Of course. An infinite deal.
That's that's a that's a common phrase. It's uh and it's easy to understand. It's like a bridal shower.
We get to enjoy Greenland and bottomless mimosas until the maid of honor pukes. [laughter] Despite caving, Trump spent his final 18 hours in Davos on victory laps like this one. >> Really fantastic for the USA.
uh gets everything we wanted, including especially real national security. >> Okay, not entirely true. But more importantly, why is he making this announcement in what sounds like a piano bar?
>> Hey, anybody out there from out of town? Anybody? Hello, little lady.
How you doing? Hello, ma'am. With your festive headscarf, you look lovely.
Anybody from out of town? You all are. You're world leaders.
Okay. Wow. Okay.
I'm going to sing you a special song. Well, technically [music] it's the concept of a framework of a song. We're still negotiating the melody.
Thank you very much. [cheering] Oh. Oh, can you see?
[laughter] [applause and cheering] Well, it's a relief knowing that Trump isn't going to invade Greenland. The damage could be long lasting. As one European dignitary put it, it's not just about expanding our imagination, but just to realize that this is a different day and the rules, the laws don't necessarily apply.
Yeah, it's just it's just hard to recover from being threatened with war from your allies. Just like it's very hard to go back in the wave pool once you've seen that dirty diaper sailing down the water slide. And in this metaphor, can you guess which world leader is in the diaper?
[applause and cheering] Trump's next mission. >> [cheering] >> Oh, [applause] can you see by the dance? Trump's next mission in Davos was debuting a new international club that he calls the Board of Peace, where nations can pay $1 billion for a permanent seat.
No surprise that peace has a price. Remember John Lenn's famous anti-war anthem? >> All we are saying [singing] is, "Give me [music] some care.
We take Venmo, brother. [laughter] >> Right now. Hey man, [applause] that hotel [cheering] room's not going to pay for itself.
>> Those white robes don't come cheap. [laughter] [applause] Right now, it's unclear where the funds collected from the Board of Peace members would be held. My guess is Trump's personal piggy bank, the Canklebankle.
According to the charter, [laughter] the board will have one man in charge. And I'll give you a hint. He's in the diaper.
[cheering] Of all the potential members of the peace board, reportedly Trump will hold the only veto. And even when he's no longer president of the United States, Trump will be chairman for life. Yep.
The peace board will be mine for life. After that, you'll all be in tmbed with me in the board of peace mausoleum. >> [laughter] >> to serve as my cupbearers and concubines in the afterlife.
Just slap some chocolate coins over my eyes and fam me across the river Twix. [laughter] Why, you may ask why? Why is this even happening?
Good question, me. Especially Especially because the board of peace's mission would overlap with the United Nations aim of maintaining international peace and security. So Trump is literally just doing model UN >> [laughter] >> That shouldn't cost a billion dollars.
It should be $400 for a weekend at the Bethesda Marriott where you French kiss Luxembourg and none of your friends at school ever believe you. Now, admittedly, the idea of paying a billion dollars to obey Donald Trump seems a little steep. After all, CBS got to do it for just 16 million.
[cheering] So, not every Check my math. Check my math on that one. So, not every world leader is leaping at the invitation.
Countries who've taken a pass include France, Norway, Slovenia, Sweden, and the United Kingdom. How could they turn Trump down? Does it mean nothing to them that this man won the FIFA Peace Prize?
That means that means he can do peace using only his feet. But here's the thing. Plenty of countries have signed up including Bahrain, Hungary, Kazakhstan, Kosovo, Mongolia, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, and Azerbjan.
Collectively, those countries are also known as places where Ethan Hunt has been strangled at top a train. [laughter] Trump held a ceremony today to kick off his dumb fake new club and he praised all the suckers who fell for it. And when you use that genius of that you have that very unusual very uh inspired genius.
When you use that for peace uh the opposite of peace has no chance [laughter] for a guy who claims to have stopped eight of them. He sure has a hard time remembering the word war. It's like that scene in the Terminator.
I'll be the opposite of front. >> But, you know, it's pretty. But, you know, this whole this whole thing has got me thinking.
If Donald Trump can try to cash in with the new Kirkland brand UN, why can't I? So, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce my new international organization, the Peace Buddies. [cheering] Those are our mascots.
>> [applause] >> Those are our beloved mascots, Dove Dude and the Peace Pooch trademark. Anyone can join the Peace Buddies. Just send us five box tops from any General Mills cereal product and $100 million.
That's a 90% discount on the Board of Peace. You're losing money if you don't join. We accept check, money order, wire transfer, zel, CLA, cash app, and ask.
Nobody rides for free. Every Peace Buddies membership comes with exclusive merch, including this beautiful decoder ring so you can decipher why threatening your allies is the peaceful thing to do. And an awesome pamphlet with the word peace right on the front.
We're still uh we're still working on what goes on inside, but I promise you we have a concept. and this membersonly peace buddies temporary tattoo. Okay?
So all the kids at school, [cheering] all the kids at school will know you're a Peace Buddy. It lasts for 10 days if that's how long you go between showers. [laughter] We got a great show for you tonight.
My guest [music] Chance the Rapper and nonviolent scholar Maria J. Stefen.
