welcome to spider-man homecoming we are greeted by this old dude and his cleaning crew we're cleaning up the mess that their badgers made in the first Avengers movie and it's just a bunch of debris dust and buildings some old alien texture that is left around from the fight then some dudes in a woman in suits come in and they're like you are hereby relieved all today we shall take over operations from now on but hey hey this is my job you can't do this to me don't care so all guys mad as [ __ ]
and he's like I'm gonna keep some of this stuff and he steals some more okay mix weapons out of it and sells it on the streets gets witches [ __ ] eight years later he still doing this stuff and he built himself a cool a s vulture suit hence the name the vulture skip to the events of Captain America Civil War and Tony Stark has recruited spider-man and given him a new suit to test if he can be an Avenger or not and he isn't some confusing ass advice slash instructions when she tries to follow
don't do anything I would do and definitely don't do anything I wouldn't do but the [ __ ] so he goes on with his normal life you know making web fluid in class the move Parker's someone could see the [ __ ] jumping over a three meter tall fence out of school you're telling me that school ends and he's only one out of there I call massive bull [ __ ] because the entire school shall be flowing out there right now he does some Spidey stuff like stop the bike coming stolen help an old lady
I'll giving her directions and stop a car thief but not really who the [ __ ] opens their own car like this maybe maybe he forgot his keys inside whatever but then he finds some interesting stuff okay they find some dudes trying to rob an ATM okay with what looks like a portal gun so he goes in there a fight still a bit they accidentally turned the portal gun from levitation mode into Death Note and they blow up Delmar's store across the street from spider-man calls happy to tell me what's going on tap you just
like don't care so it sneaks back home and literally no his best friend Ned is sitting on his bed and he finds out that his best friend is [ __ ] spider-man and he almost has a heart attack and how the [ __ ] does she notice the giant spider web on top of the [ __ ] door and the [ __ ] red and blue swishes ass suit on the floor and why she so hot that promises to keep Peters secret that he's spider-man but he stoked his [ __ ] that his fist vendors
[ __ ] spider-man so he keeps asking him some questions about what it's like to be spider-man and I really feel like if she can hear them perving over Peters crush from that distance then everybody else should hear all these questions but I know they don't I mean look how close they are this shot don't matter though that blurts out that Peter knows spider-man good [ __ ] job man and to prove it they're gonna go to his crushes his crush not girlfriend his crushes party he's making a party they're gonna go to and they're
gonna quote on cool ring spider-man he's less is up a spider-man and he's about to go in there but then he sees some freaky [ __ ] happen in a distance right it turns out that there's a weapons deal going on with the vultures dudes they're trying to sell a weapon to some guy and they're testing it out but the guy doesn't really want anything that heavy I'm not trying to shoot them back in time then why the [ __ ] did you go to them and how hard is it to get a [ __
] weapon it's America so spider-man [ __ ] who them bathed up with him and then the vulture comes in super suit and [ __ ] he picks him up and throws him in the lake and then I'm I slips in and say this ass and I don't understand why I couldn't go after the vulture after this because there's no way you could've seen him and you just dropped him into the lake but whatever he doesn't have any way he swoops in saves the day or saves spider-man's ass and then Peters like I gotta take
the [ __ ] down he's like whoa settle down there buckaroo all right there's people deal this [ __ ] but I can do it again so Peter makes the walk of shame back to the party but on the way he finds some alien texture or either weapons that the bad guys dropped off while trying to make their getaway and that calls him like don't come back to the party they're all making fun of you no no go back the party can totally redeem yourself dude you're [ __ ] spider-man what the [ __ ]
next day at school Peter is very carefully and scientifically inspecting the purple glowing [ __ ] he found last night and then two of the vultures henchmen come and they're looking for the [ __ ] purple thing you see last night after the [ __ ] went down the wall she got really [ __ ] mad and one was henchman for being a massive [ __ ] okay he's just a massive [ __ ] and he vaporized them there is not the only thing that should not have been vaporized I mean it's it's it's a
thing right it's like a device then why is his phone also not vaporized one of the rules of vaporization of this [ __ ] universe he sent these two dudes with a tracker that tracks last-known location of that purple [ __ ] and I really feel like that's a very shitty tracker because why can I not tell that the actual location of the stone or the purple [ __ ] is like a few feet away with Peter right now they even pass by him and doesn't do a single thing that isn't even alert them at
all whatever it doesn't matter turns out that they are going to do a heist nearby DC somewhere which is all good because Peter is going there for an academic decathlon anyway so him and Nick go Peter moves trecorum Spidey suit and Ned hacks into it how he's 15 years old and this is a multi-million dollar piece of stark tech spider-man goes to the heist location [ __ ] with the plans a bit gets trapped in one of the containers that are trying to heist yeah so he finds himself in that container then he find himself
in a super secure storage facility he [ __ ] around a bit then he's like oh I'm not [ __ ] around time to get out of here okay yes together because that glowy thing that he left with NIT is actually a bomb and there is no way that the occupants of this vehicle did not feel the jolt of spider-man landing on them he gets there and the [ __ ] blows up in an elevator inside the Washington Monument and he has to save them so he climbs up there and he does save them and
does the one thing the Andrew Garfield spider-man could not do moving on Peter gets attention when he ditches detention wait are these video is the same person or are they twins spider-man finds out that the vulture is making a weapons deal on a ferry somewhere so it goes to mess with those plans again as usual the vulture tries to kill him using a space gun and then the space cop malfunctions and splits the ferry in half and I really feel like someone has been split in two right now at least one person but apparently nobody
is harmed whatever who cares then this impossible [ __ ] happens then iron man saves his ass and saves the day then Tony's like you're irresponsible and don't deserve the suit give it here and give him the suit so Peters bummed his [ __ ] is really sad he shakes it up and goes on with his life again okay he [ __ ] goes to school learn Spanish builds the Death Star with me and asks his crush out to homecoming all normal [ __ ] okay but then he goes to pick up his crush and
who greets him boom it's the butcher the butcher is his crush she's dead way amazing no one saw that coming whatever and her dad is telling him to homecoming and on the way this dumb [ __ ] keeps dropping hints on how he spider-man like he always disappearing if mr. Burton DC blah blah my god he knows spider-man he knows she's so her dad starts picking up the pieces and connecting the dots and by the time they get to the [ __ ] school he has figured out and Peter is spamming and he threatens him
with a gun but you see Peter ain't faced he ain't faced womb' okay and he goes after him right after he has a small incident with one of his henchmen and the [ __ ] alien boxing glove whatever no no don't kick it crush it crush it [ __ ] goddamn idiot so spider-man steals his bully's car to catch up to the vulture and he calls then and asks him how to turn on the lights of the car which is it's anyway he calls me at to ask him how to turn on the lights which
is [ __ ] because the lights were on once he sold a [ __ ] car they also asked him to call happy and tell him what's going on and to track his phone which he left in the Walters car so he calls happy but happy just like don't care he gets to the voltage layer and it also drops an entire building on his [ __ ] head and Peter is scared [ __ ] and crying but then he has the profound realization that he is spider-man and that he has super strength boneses [ __
] pops out of it and that's right about the time where the vote is about to take off and hijacked what a Tory Starks cargo planes and has a bunch of valuable [ __ ] and some alien tech in it which is something I forgot to mention up until now because I am [ __ ] he latches on to the vultures Leakey Lee okay sneaky very sneaky and the vulture gets the plane and he hijacks it but then spider-man starts to [ __ ] with his plans again they have a massive fight on the plane
midair and the fight is so big and so destructive that it destroys the plane along with it and his trip train train no plane plane and the plane starts heading for the ground while standing for the ground the pier realizes this and tries to [ __ ] steer away from buildings meanwhile the vulture wants to have a little souvenir from the plane before it goes down because he's a greedy [ __ ] he doesn't leave empty-handed but what happened is then the plane crashed into the [ __ ] beach and then hash it out once
more and Peter says his crush his dad's life and the day along with it meant Tony's like hey good job kid he did really good welcome to The Avengers let's go make it official on the news then Peters like yeah I mean like it this way he's like what the [ __ ] you dare oppose me the Great and Powerful toad is talk okay it does actually say that but he was pretty surprised anyway Tony gets married and he gets back to suit to Peter Parker and Aunt May finds out we really is don't you
have some sort of spidey sense that tells you when people sneak up on you or when this sort of [ __ ] happens I feel like this should be possible this movie gets a solid three remakes out of three I like [Music] [Music]
