Monkey Wrench Ep3 - Us & Them

*Screaming, guitar noises, utter Chaos* *Musical sting! * *slap* ¡'Ey! ¿Dónde estás Dos Pantalones?

(Where are you, Two Pants? ! ) *Duende noises* *Turbo inhale* ¡AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

*mini inhale* ¡DUENDE! (GNOME! !

! ) *more Duende noises* ¡Déjalo en paz, maldito DUENDE! (Leave him alone, you darn gnome!

) *cartoon jibberish* Get'm, Bandito, get'm! Damnit! I'm TRYING to watch my THIIIING.

And I'M trying to PLAY. You've got a screen in your room, watch it in there But I'M driving! I trust cruise control better than your- -AHHH!

Give it here! I'LL show you how a MASTER does it! *Not very good guitar playing :(* Forgotten the cords I taught you already.

. . ?

*attempted music. . .

gives up* EH- stupid thing's too big for me! *Actually good music* Just like THAT~ ;) Yeah? .

. . well I warmed it up for you!

Now keep it down, it's show time! *Absolute nonsense noises from the TV* *Wah wah woo woo wee wee* Are we. .

. . .

. cut out for this life? uuuwaaahhh?

I just. . .

can't stop thinking about what happened to the Lythops. . .

*sigh* that poor little fella. . .

Eh, L. A. W'll set'm up with some stupid job and he'll keep on going.

Just look at me! I turned out fine! :) *Beebs grumbling* You can't get hung up on that stuff, Amigo, ya know?

Can't have regrets. . .

Don't you have that voice inside that tells you right from wrong? Right. .

. wrong. .

. whatever! Just NO regrets!

Where we headed anyway? Just dropping off the crate for the L. A.

W. guys. EH.

. . new rule!

Don't take any jobs from ANYONE who even LOOKS like L. A. W.

Buncha. . .

jerks! >:( and what does that make you~? An ex jerk!

>:) I'd say you're very much still active. You really should return that. .

. suit? What IS that SOUND?

? ? I dunno, it started doing that by itself.

A computer can't just DO things by itself. THAT'S a distress call! ooOOoooh, a de-DRESS call~?

;) DI-STRESS! Somebody's calling for help! .

_. OH! a distress CALL.

. . .

. . .

we SHOULD check it out. There could be some money in it for us~ That's not what I'm worried about. .

. I'm sure the L. A.

W. guys won't mind if we- -NO REGRETS! !

! No regrets? Mmmm Hmmm.

. . Scritch.

. . be a dear and send out another call~ Oh please, my beloved primaries.

. . -ANYONE BUT THEM!

! ! Well you better start praying to ME 'cus they ain't here!

You need help~? Scratch~? AMIGO?

? ? ?

>:) (friend~? ) No no! Everything's.

. . fine?

We're uh- -trying out this new interior deco! It's REALLY high class stuff, you wouldn't get it~ O_O <_< THAT'S a FEATURE! "Impressive" Oh?

Then I guess we can be on our way, adios! (Bye! ) AHHHHASYUGAGSHAJ- alright!

ALRIGHT! . .

. WELL? !

? ! ♩♬♪♫ How much to save your culo~?

♩♬♪♫ (Ass~? ) Shriiikeeee >:( Now? You want to barter.

. . NOW?

! ? !

Oh sure! Let me pull up a chair, put the coffee on and get my DAMN NOTEPAD! YOU GET THEM OFF MY TAIL!

THEN! WE'LL TALK! MORON!

Oh no no no, gatito gordito (chubby kitty). I KNOW you. .

. We do this NOW! *Scratch pain* Trinity give me strength-WHAT?

! ? .

. . no.

No, not that! I could offer some of my fine wares at 10% off? Some fresh Terran trinkets just came in from the quarantine zone.

. . >8( .

. . 11%?

That's the best I can do *SLAM* HGNGHN! Alright. .

. I'll call off your debt. .

. ONCE you get us outta this MESS! *Battle music START!

* What. . .

in the galaxy. . .

. . .

is THAT? I know what it's GOING to be! ¡Polvo espacial!

(Space Dust! ) BEFORE you do that. .

. This is the T. C.

F. BUCKET of the Merc group Monkey Wrench hailing Unknown vessel. Cease your assault and back away from the BEST.

. . .

. . or we will be forced to intervene.

*Weird ass noises coming from comm screen* That's. . .

odd. TIME UP, SHOOT NOW! *Pew Pew Pew!

* We're not gonna survive this, are we? *ka-BEWM! * Shoot THEM not ME!

*Static screaming* Eh? ! ¡Mi arma!

(My weapon? ! ) BEEBS!

I got it! BEEBS! Tell it to stooOOoOOoooOP!

I DID! It's not working! Ah screw this!

I'll deal with it later! *SNAP! * I'LL.

TEACH. YOU. TO.

WRECK. MY. SHIP!

You did that one- IT MADE ME! *Emits a strange repeating sound* *More weird noises* This is the T. C.

F. Bucket. .

. ? *Noises get louder* ¡BASTA YA!

(ENOUGH! ) Yeah, you better run escoria! (scum!

) Oooooooooh gentlemen! Permission to come aboard? I KNEW this thing was a wreck when I sold it to ya.

. . .

. . but I never imagined you'd somehow make it WORSE!

Where's the finesse? The panache? ?

? The gravity. .

. . .

. they don't even have a litter box? !

You're right, we were better of dying. Time to cough up, gato rata. (Rat Cat) Whoa whoa whoa!

Slow down there, cowboy. . .

hehe. WE ain't DONE yet. What do you mean "we ain't done"?

*Alright, I'll call off your debt ONCE you get us outta this MESS! * As you can see, we are, 'quite frankly'. .

. . .

. STILL in this mess! LOOK AT MY SHIP!

! ! Thing's finally got some character~ Just limp yourself to the nearest ink station, we're done here.

OH no we ain't! YOU guys are gonna tow us there! I ain't towing JACK!

Ah ah ah ah! Recorded verbal contracts ARE legal with the U. M.

B. Get us to a station. .

. . .

. unless you WANT to lose your current standings on the leader board! Isn't that right, Scritch~ :3 O^O What's with him?

You got his tongue or something? YOU'RE one to TALK! Can't understand half of what comes outta YOUR gab!

FHUYIGANJS- he's not even SAYING anything! It's a brotherly connection, only the closest of kin can share~ Isn't that right, little bro~? 83 Oh ho ho, you!

Such a kidder! beeeeEEEEBBBS! !

! He's making us take him to- I heard! FINALLY!

The BRAINS of the operation! Give it to me straight, Doc. How is she?

Man oh man. . .

she's taken quite the beating. Life support offline, Blue drive gone, Hull strength- 7%? !

Oh LORDY these repairs. . .

Hopefully this'll teach you to keep away from. . .

uh. . .

Whatever 'that' was. . .

I'm surprised 'MrRed Suit' over there hasn't told you about'm! Those nasty customers. .

. . .

. are the Agari. *The lore begins* They used to be 'normal'.

. . Happy.

. . Prosperous, even!

Until the Terrans did. . .

you know. . .

. . .

what they did. The fallout changed them. Now they're mindless drones.

. . Seeking out life to consume.

. . Spreading the Cataclysms corruption where ever they go.

. . L.

A. W. tries their best to keep'm contained.

. . But the Q.

Z. is PROFOUNDLY VAST! and they're beginning to seep out.

. . And they attacked you becauseeee?

BECAUSE they wanted my sweet SWEET KITTY INNARDS! I imagine I'm quite the delicacy! 'Gristle' ain't a delicacy!

Neither is that 'glop' YOU call FOOD! pizza. .

. BLEUGH! Oh, during my clean up I found this.

It was all I could recover. OH GOODIE! A little ray of sunshine!

*Pouh! * wwWWHOA! Smells like DEATH!

I don't smell anything. . .

? You don't HAVE a nose. What's IN that?

Just some Terran antiques we scrounged up. Hoping to pawn'm off for a bit of cheddar. Well I don't want you two grubb'n up the place any more than Shrike does.

You're gonna have to hold out in here. Those stains were already there when I moved in- -did you say Terran stuuuuff~? :) OH no.

YOU had your chance, BUCKO! Come on, I just wanna loook! :( I might be feeling more generous.

. . IF!

-you fetch Scritch and I something to drink! We're parched~! :3 Play nice, you two.

. . Oooooooooh Busboy!

Don't forget the drinks nooooow~? >:3 It'll be all worth it, Beebs! I SWEAR!

Debt free, AND a peak at some rare Terran goodies! Yeah, sure. You keep thinking that.

*scanning. . .

BZZRT 👎* *scanning. . .

BZZRT 👎* Hey! Quit lazing about over there and help me scan this, will ya? *Intense throbbing* *Adbreak!

* *guitar plays* Oh Shrikey poooOOOOOOOOH! If you don't get my drink in the next two minutes you can forget about looking at my 'goodies~' :3 why did he SAY it like THAT? !

Don't have too much fun, now~ *guitar music~* Siiiigh. . .

*Weird noises return. . .

* OW! . .

. this is the T. C.

F. Bucket. .

. ? May I ask whose calling~?

*More weird noises* Guh, ANOTHER thing to fix. . .

It never ends :( Hmph. I know no one is out there. .

. but. .

. . .

. care to listen to the plight of a fool~? :) *Beautiful guitar music* Mercenary life.

Is this the right path for me? Please. .

. *sigh* give me a sign. .

. tHeM? ArE yOu ThErE, ThEm?

? ? WHAT?

! are- who's out there? !

*Nothing but weird noises again* Man. . .

I'm losing it. . .

Maybe I should quit. . .

tHeM! wAiT. .

. tHeM iS. .

. NoT tHeM? ?

? Can. .

. you hear me? *Nothing but weird noises again* Can you.

. . hear me now?

oOooOoOOoo, I aM AbLe tO PeRcIeVe YoU. . .

bUt YoU aRe NoT tHeM! Them? You sound confused, buddy.

Name's Bulldog. Bulldog Browns. yOu aRe SePaRaTe BuT.

. . .

. . cAn CoMmUnIcAtiNg wItH Us.

. . BuLlDoG.

. . BuLlDoG hAs ThE FeElIng Of tHeM.

. . I.

. . don't understand what you mean by.

. . 'Them'.

I'm just a mercenary. oOoOo QuEsTiOn! wHaT iS.

. . 'MeRcEnArY'?

WhO tHeY? wHaT dO? Well.

. . a mercenary is somebody who does a job for money no questions asked.

. . Though I'm starting to have a LOT of questions.

. . oOoOoOoOoOo!

wHaT iS. . .

'MoNeY'? wIlL Us NeEd iT? Currency, you know?

Used to buy things? oOoOoO? SePaRaTeS bUy.

. . tHiNgS?

cAn Us HaVe ThInG? Separate. .

. you guys think as one, then? Us aNd ThEm WeRe OnE.

. . bUt SoMeThInG cHaNgEd Shrike's NOT gonna believe this!

wHaT iS. . .

ShRiKe? aRe AnOtHeR SePaRaTe? ?

? Shrike? He's my friend!

or something. . .

oOoOoOo fRiEnD! Us kNoW FrIeNd! Us hAs FrIeNd ThEm!

Us TrYiNg tO fInD ThEm. . .

What happened? Us aNd ThEm hAd EsCaPeD gReEn PlAcE lOoKiNg fOr PuRpOsE uNtIl tHeM wAs GoNe NoW aLoNe. .

. MisSiNg tHeM. .

. Are you. .

. the Agari? That attacked Scratch?

SePaRaTeS HuRt Us! HuRt ThEm! What did Scratch do?

tHeY tOoK. . .

THEM. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4-3-2-1-0 WHOOPS! Too late!

¡TONTO! (STUPID! ) You did that on purpose!

No peak for you! *Happy scanner noise! * Ho ho!

What's THIS? *Happy scan noise x2! * AH!

! Brother, I think this little nugget is gonna solve ALL our PROBLEMS! What?

what IS that? ! Your services are no longer required, you may go now.

SLAVE! Okay then. .

. here are your DRINKS! I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.

. . YOU INFANT!

I WANNA SEE! NO IT'S MINE! hehehehehehehehehhehe- -OW!

*The boys are fighting. . .

* *gooey noises* *gooey noises INTENSIFY* . . .

ain't supposed to do THAT. The HELL did you bring on my SHIP? ?

? I Thought I said 'PLAY NICE', the HELL is going on? !

*both* IT WAS HIM! >:( STOP! You'll knock a hole in the bulkhead!

THIS is all I KNOW! Grab hold! It ain't WORKING!

It's STILL not WORKING! Don't push my BUTTONS! You push MINE!

*Soft chime* . . .

you wanna come clean? I didn't DO NOTHING! So you DID something.

How was I supposed to know that GUNK was gonna do THIS? ! It was probably your filthy ship that- WHOA!

HEY! AH- -I expect this kind of behavior from the squid boy but not from you! It's been a LONG.

DAY. Those THINGS started it! We were uh.

. . sniffing around the Q.

Z. boarder. .

. Pre-cataclysm era. A GREAT find!

-all of a sudden! These two fungal FREAKS came out of NOWHERE! *cue weird noises* They kept making this insufferable NOISE!

Getting closer. . .

and CLOSER! I only fired a warning shot. .

. . .

. but. .

. let's just say. .

. we left in a hurry! I just found out it's worth something, else I would've tossed it!

Processed correctly, it can become and INCREDIBLY POWERFUL aphrodisiac! Imagine! Going at it.

. . For HOOOOUUUURRRRSSSS An afro.

. . whaty-what?

Forget I asked. . .

Uh. . .

boys. . .

Where do you keep your sunscreen at? AH! *Back to chaos and screaming* My one regret.

. . EVER HELPING YOU!

! ! You came to save US!

We. . .

we stopped? I know what's NOT going to STOP! AEUGH You've got impeccable timing oOoOoOoOo iT Is Us!

Us iS hErE tO rEcLaIm FrIeNd ThEm! aRe tHoSe SePaRaTeS YoUr. .

. 'FrIeNd'? You could put it that way.

WHAT'S HE PLAYING HONKY-TONK FOR? ! WE'RE GONNA DIE!

Us! Tell ME what YOU need! OpEn YoUrSeLf Up sO I cAn Help THem!

SePaRaTe BuLlDoG! YoU hAve To- *BZZZT* Damnit. .

. Shrike, get over here! Those cords I taught you?

PLAY'M! You- you expect me to remember them NOW? !

Just do what you can. Why? ?

? JUST TRUST ME! .

. . okay?

. . .

ooohkay! *not very good guitar playing* It's not working. .

. I can't hear'm! Hear WHO?

! You need to play to match the music! Have your hand like this on the fret!

guhh. . .

like this? A little higher! DASBUH- THIS?

! ? YES!

Just keep playing THAT! Are you alright? !

BuLlDoG. . .

ThEm Is. . .

ThEm SoUnDs. . .

GrEeEen. . .

ThE SoNg. . .

iT's AlL WrOng! Us cAn'T hEaR tHem AnyMorE. .

Us iS hErE noW? do YoU noT reMeMBer? You HAVE to let them GO!

tHeM nEvEr Let Us go! Us aND thEM FormED toGEtheR! Us anD THem leFt GReEn plAce TogeTHEr!

anD noW Us anD ThEM wiLL. . .

SHRIKE. You GOT IT AMIGO! *somber guitar plays :(* Go on.

Ooooh. . .

do I HAVE to? ? ?

It's a DAMN PLANT! Say IT. UHHHAAAEGH.

I'M! Sorry. .

. . .

. you made me accidentally shoot your friend. He says he's sorry.

Us iS sorRY foR. . .

Don't be. I've been there once or twice. .

. How aRE. .

. Us to gO On? AlL on oUR owN.

. . ?

Us iS. . .

I am afraID. It can feel like that. .

. a lot. But.

. . you'll find your way.

. . .

havE yOu? I'm getting there. TheM is GonE bUT.

. . stilL heRE.

. . neW chanGE harD.

. . .

. . but.

. . Us wilL trY.

. . Thank you, BulLdog.

Call me Beebs. All my friends do. Thank yoU.

. . frieNd Beebs.

. . May Us.

. . .

. . We meet again.

What do you mean 'The important thing is we survived'? ! How about that debt cancellation~?

>:) *GASP! * Guess I don't know me own strength! Looks like there's no evidence of the contract after all!

Such a shame! You two dolts best be on your way and- Actually when I was cleaning out The Best I wanted to keep tabs on you two. .

. *Alright, I'll call off your debt ONCE you get us out of this MESS! * Soooo if you don't want your boss to ask why you dropped.

. . .

. . 2500 ranks!

I suggest you sign off on the contract. and WE can be on our merry way~ OHHhhh you SLY bastard. .

. WOW I ain't even MAAAAD! Aaaaaaaaaah Scritch, gotta love the fine print~ They never specified WHICH of their DEBTS to cancel~ .

. . now!

Let's hope the boss doesn't cancel us. *Shrike practicing guitar* *knock knock! * Adelante.

(Come in) . . .

don't wanna watch it on the bridge? I thought I'd. .

. you know. Just keep it in here.

I don't wanna annoy you when you're playing. . .

Come on, move over. . .

*El Bandito noises in the background* So. . .

what's happening? OH! Well uh, El Bandito's amigo, Dos Pantalones, that's his caballo- (horse) took something from that Duende but Bandito thinks it's the other way around so he's fighting him instead!

. . .

what's a duende? Wait. .

. if I'M here and YOU'RE here. .

. . .

. then who's flying the SHIP? ?

? Cruise control. I thought you said computers can't DO things by themselves, Mmm HMMM!

I TOLD it to do that. Should be at the drop off point in an hour. OOoooh!

That's at least 3 more El Bandito episodes! Well. .

unless uh. . .

You. . .

wanna show me some more guitar stuff? After this job is over. Go on.

Put another one on. Should be smooth sailing from here on out. *Many whimperings* *Beep Beep!

* Sorry to interrupt your 'fun' ma'am, but I have some thrilling news! We've finally tracked down the package! Take a guess who has it~?

Care for a spot of revenge, my dear~?