I've been lying about my son's father for 12 years, and I want to finally tell the truth to my parents and son. Posted by you/throw_farb. When I was 16, I was in a relationship with a 26-year-old man.
I'm 30 years old and now understand how wrong that relationship was. To a large degree, I even knew it was wrong back then. I don't feel that he groomed me or manipulated me into it.
I don't feel like I was naive or talked into doing anything I didn't want to do. I still believe I genuinely loved him. And a part of my heart still loves him.
He refused to have sex with me for a long time, but I pushed and begged. And when things finally happened between us, I felt like I'd gotten what I wanted. I was too young to understand any of it, but I understand that he was the adult and he should never have given in, no matter how much I begged.
I know he felt guilty about it. When I was 17, I got pregnant. He asked me to marry him, but I said no.
He had severe mental health issues, clinical depression to the point of hospitalization at one point. By the time he asked me to marry him, he was really spiraling, and I think just grasping at straws for things he felt would make him happy. If we had the baby and got married, he'd be happy.
But I knew that wasn't the case. I was scared of what was happening. He took his own life less than 2 months later.
I've never told anyone who my son's father really is. My family, mom 55 F, dad 60M, has no clue that this man ever existed. Only my best friend knows.
I lied back then and said I met someone at a party and didn't know who he was. It was a terrible lie because as crazy as it was for me to have been involved with this adult man, it was even crazier to imagine me going to a party and having a random one night stand with somebody I didn't know. That's not something I've ever done.
And I don't know how anyone who knew me back then would ever believe that lie. I was the studious little straight A student who didn't do anything wrong. I was desperate and scared, so I lied.
My parents were already crushed that I was pregnant at 17, and I didn't think they could handle knowing the truth about who the father was. I thought I'd get in even bigger trouble for doing something so dumb, and I wanted to protect him. My son is 12 now.
He's smart, kind, and starting to ask questions about his dad. I've kept this lie up for so long that I don't even know how to start unraveling it. I want to show him the pictures I have of his dad and tell him where his eyes and hair color come from.
I don't want him to believe his father is some random stranger out there who doesn't even know he exists and who he might be able to find through a DNA test. Telling my parents the truth after all these years might destroy the peace we finally found. They were disappointed for a long time after my pregnancy and it took years for things to feel normal again.
I'm scared I'll lose that. At the same time, I can't stand lying anymore, especially to my son. It makes me sick every time I repeat the lie anytime somebody asks me about his dad.
He deserves the truth, even if it's messy. I don't even know where to start. How do I tell my parents?
How do I tell my son in an age appropriate way who his father was and how he died? How do I handle the fallout of all this? I just want to do the right thing, but I'm so scared it'll blow up everything again.
Top/relevant comments. commenter. Can you explain how it would be better for your 12-year-old son to know that his father was a sexual abuser who took his own life than to think that his father was a random hookup?
How is that better? Ops response. Fair question.
My honest answer is that I don't know that it is better. Maybe it's not. It's obviously not information I'm necessarily happy or proud to share with him, but I've come to believe that honesty and truth are important.
I think I'd be really upset to find out my parent had lied to me like this for my whole life. I hate being lied to. Plus, I think it could give him false hope, thinking his dad could be out there somewhere and he could possibly connect with him one day.
Commenter, when he asks you about his birth father, what exactly is he asking? Have you told him that you never knew the guy's name? Ops response: He's asked about who he was, what his name was, how I met him, what he looked like.
I've told him the same lie I've always told my family. I don't know his name or anything about him. That's not a pleasant thing to tell your kid.
It's not even like I have a nice fuzzy little lie to tell him. My son understands how babies are made and what sex is now, so he understands the implications of what I'm saying when I tell him I only met his dad once and don't even know his name. It was less complicated when he was five.
Commenter two, he is a bit too young in my opinion for such a heavy truth. However, maybe your parents should know if only for medical reasons. Mental health issues can be passed down to kids.
So someone should know the real dad's medical history. Ops response. He is young and I have sometimes told myself when he's older.
But when is the right age to learn you've been lied to your whole life. So I get what you're saying, but then I also think that the longer I wait, the more hurt it'll cause later on when I actually tell him. Commenter three, there is absolutely no way a Reddit thread is going to give you good advice here.
You need to work with a licensed professional in family therapy. Whatever you end up doing will have consequences. You need to have someone to help you understand the consequences and how to engage with your family members if and when these actions or non-actions as the current case is play out.
Ops response. I know, but I guess I'm just testing the waters with sharing this information for the first time. My best friend is the only person who knows.
She's been my best friend since middle school, and she's known all along. I've never seen a therapist and I think I'm scared about them wanting to focus on more than just how I come clean to my family. Talking to somebody face to face is no longer anonymous.
I don't like talking about this relationship because it makes me feel foolish and damaged and just very uncomfortable. Commenter four, tell your son first. It's his dad, his history.
Have a counseling session lined up for some time soon after you tell him. If you find yourself having a hard time thinking about it, it may help to have a family therapist facilitate this reveal. Your parents don't get a lot of my sympathy.
Where were they when you were running the streets with a grown man? You may have thought you were mature, but you were a child, their child, and they failed you. Simply tell them you've been keeping the truth from them, and you feel it's time to be honest.
Ops response: My parents were slash are good parents. They were very involved in my life. I just never did anything to get in trouble.
They trusted me and I took advantage of that. I was a good liar. I was still going to school every day, getting perfect grades, obeying all rules at home, or so they thought.
I still acted very much like their good little girl at home. And it wasn't like I was gone for days or nights at a time with him. Commenter five, don't be so hard on yourself about what you were doing when you were 16/17.
We all went through behaviors like that. It sounds like you're a very caring person now and you're raising your son, right? I know this is difficult, especially the part about coming clean to your parents.
How do you think they would react? Ops response: My parents are good and loving, but at the same time, I feel like they just don't know how to handle me doing anything wrong. You'd think they would have learned by now after I had a baby at 18, but they always act as if I should have known better whenever I make a mistake.
You should have known better and we expected more from you or common types of phrases I used to hear whenever I even did typical things kids might do. Commenter five, I know how that feels. I had my daughter young, too.
To be honest, it sounds like you're still really concerned about disappointing them and not having their approval. Am I right? Are you afraid they'll be more disappointed with the truth instead of the story they've believed all this time?
Ops response: Yeah, I'm 30 years old and still concerned about having their approval and not disappointing them. I feel like I've spent the past 12 years trying to do everything to please them and prove to them I actually am the good daughter they always thought I was. I found things with them are great as long as I don't rock the boat.
I think they'll be mad that I lied, but they'll be more upset that I was stupid enough to be with an adult man and to get into a situation like this. I know people here are saying I was groomed and that it's not my fault. I understand he was the adult and it was ultimately on him to not let anything happen between us, but I just can't imagine my parents thinking that way.
Additional info from OP. We're in the US, but I obviously didn't put his name on the birth certificate. That's another issue I've thought about.
His family has no idea that he has a child and I often feel guilty about that. I found his sister on social media and sometimes she posts about him on his birthday or the anniversary of his death and I feel so bad. Update 1 month 2 weeks later.
I wanted to share an update after posting about wanting to finally tell the truth about my son's father. I had a baby who is now a 12-year-old when I was 18. I had been in a relationship with his father, somebody 10 years older than me since I was 16.
He had mental health problems and killed himself before our son was born. Only one person, my best friend, ever knew the truth about my son's father. It's been weighing on me for a while now that my son is older and has been asking questions for a few years.
He's almost 13. I decided to tell my parents first. The conversation went largely the way I'd always feared it would.
They were angry about the lie, but also about the relationship itself. They blamed me for getting involved with an adult man and told me I should have known better. My mom called me a SLT.
Of course, she called me that way back when, too. What surprised me most was that it felt like they were upset that I chose to tell the truth now. They more or less admitted they never fully believed the story I told them years ago, but had made peace with not knowing the full truth.
I was always pretty sure they didn't completely buy my story, but it's something we just never talked about again after a certain point. Bringing it up again felt less like relief to them and more like an inconvenience. I tried to explain why I lied.
I was scared, shamed, and trying to survive at 17. I also told them directly that their reaction was exactly why I lied all those years ago. Even back then, I knew I would be blamed and judged rather than supported, and I didn't have the emotional capacity to handle that on top of being pregnant and grieving.
At the time, I was still very much in love or thought I was with this man and wanted to protect him as well, even after he was dead. I want to add some context because I think it matters. My parents have also been very supportive of me in tangible ways.
They supported me when I decided to keep my son. They helped raise him for the first half of his life. Because of their help, I was able to go to college and build a stable life.
They love my son deeply, and he's very close to them. That's what makes this so complicated. At the same time, it's very clear that they place the responsibility for everything that happened entirely on me.
Not once did either of them express any sense that what happened was wrong because I was a minor and he was an adult. The focus was entirely on the idea that I knew better and that they raised me better. We all put it aside for Christmas for my son's sake.
We were also around extended family members who have no idea about any of this and as far as I'm concerned won't be told. keeping things stable and familiar for my son felt more important than continuing the conflict. Of course, my parents and I didn't actually have a sit down and agree on that because we don't have those kinds of conversations in my family.
No heart-to-he heart talks for sure. After that, I did tell my son. I did my best to keep the conversation age appropriate and shared only what I felt was okay for him to know right now.
I didn't get into the age difference or any of the more complicated details. He seemed relieved to finally have this information. He's been asking questions for a while, and I think having real answers instead of a vape story has helped.
He asked a few simple questions, mostly about what his dad was like and whether he looks like him. My parents didn't think I should tell my son the truth, but they don't know what it's like lying to your kid on a daily basis like that. I also didn't grow up in a home where we had difficult conversations about anything that might make any of us even slightly uncomfortable.
I just don't want to do the same thing in my own household with my child. I feel better having told him the truth. It was a relief to finally be able to tell him his father's name and show him pictures instead of continuing to lie and say I didn't know who his dad was.
Carrying that lie with my own child had become deeply uncomfortable and letting it go feels like the right step. I'm also being proactive about making sure he has support beyond just me. I'm looking into outside resources so he has a safe, neutral place to process this as things sink in.
Whether that's counseling or another appropriate support option. I want him to have space to ask questions and work through feelings without feeling like he has to protect me. At this point, I feel a mix of relief and emotional exhaustion.
The truth is finally out, but it hasn't magically resolved everything. I'm trying to accept that my parents may never see this situation through the lens I do now. How do I move forward with my parents after telling them the truth, while also making sure their unresolved feelings don't negatively affect my son?
I don't know if I should just give them space and time or try to address things directly once emotions have cooled. Top/relevant comments. Commenter up.
You did good. It sounds like you are building a great bond with your son, deeper than anything you've had with your parents. Consider getting therapy for yourself, too.
If you aren't already getting it, you were abused by your son's father, got pregnant, and then have been abased by your parents. Even if they did help you raise your son, you've had to deal with all this trauma alone. You've changed the dynamics with your parents with the truth.
I'm sorry they took it poorly. Just let it sink in for now. But do tell them what you told your son and don't allow them to share more with him.
This is your story to tell, not theirs. Sending you a big hug. Ops response.
Thanks. I like to thank my son and I have a really good open relationship. I make a point to be more emotionally available than my parents ever were with me.
Commenter two. Your parents are acting this way because they don't like what they see in the mirror. Their inaction and lack of dealing with a difficult situation left you exposed and vulnerable.
They do not want to deal with their failures as parents and would rather not confront it. I am proud of you. Being a parent means making tough decisions and you have done for your son what your parents could not do for you.
That is something to be very proud of. You were a child. You were groomed.
They did not protect you before or after. The best they did was to not throw you out. Perhaps because that would have affected their image.
Get this straight. They supported you financially to preserve their image. After all, you being a dropout would have been seen as much worse in addition to the child.
So, they salvaged what they could. My mother-in-law is that kind of an active mother. Oh, my twin daughter was essay in the park.
Oh, well. Did she call the police? Nope.
Did she send her to therapy? Nope. Instead, she keeps giving her money she doesn't have to bail her daughter out of financial situations that she finds herself in because she is trying to cope.
Keep being straight up and realistic with your son. You are doing a great job. He will be a wholesome man because you faced your discomfort to give him the best hugs.
Ops response. Thanks for this. I never really considered or looked at their reaction in the same way, but your comment has made me feel a little better about it.
Just knowing my parents like I do, I think you could definitely be on to something. And it makes sense. Commenter three.
With the way your parents reacted to your information, calling you names and blaming you for everything, I think I would reduce the time your son spends with your parents, especially alone. You are the one who knows how they treat people. And if they talk crap about people behind their backs and if you think they will do the same to you and your son, he is still processing the information about his dad.
He doesn't need his grandparents throwing shade on his mom. Therapy for your son will probably be the best option. Good luck.
Ops response: My mom talks about people behind their backs. She plays nice to their faces, but is very judgmental behind closed doors. Commenter three.
So, she will talk crap about you and his father to your son. That will probably really mess with his head. Maybe his confidence, self-esteem, and his relationship with you.
There is a reason you waited 12 years to say anything to them. You know the type of parents they were to you. You can expect the same, if not worse, treatment of your son by them.
12 is a really critical age, and boys who love their moms are usually tender-hearted kiddos. Please protect that sweet soul. I am wishing you and your son the best.
