90% Of People Ruin Their Relationship This Way...

a story that really highlights someone who falls into this very competitive frame is a client i coached a few years ago okay this is one-on-one coaching and uh you know he jumps on this is online on skype and he starts telling me hey you know i've had this problem my entire life every time i get into a relationship it starts off well everyone knows the honeymoon phase and then after a while i start getting really paranoid very you could say overbearing even very possessive and uh all my relationships tend to end or guess what that

very thing he feared would happen happened okay he'd get cheated on he'd be betrayed and he just he knew it was bad he's like i want to get out of this but he couldn't stop his mind from just looping and looping and looping okay to the point where this is how extreme it can get by the way he was in a long distance relationship and he was dating someone in another city and he would see this person maybe once twice a month and he told me one of the calls he's like okay i'm you know

i got to tell you about my current situation you know i'm dating this person and it's going well and uh you know i know it's going well because you know i'm always checking in with that person right so every single day they're texting every single day it's hey where are you tonight you know every single day oh you're going out with some friends what friends you know and i look them up on facebook to be sure you know i'll find their instagrams like just over the top paranoid and it got to a point where he's

like i'm gonna see this person next week and there's one thing that i have there that i know it's gonna really let me know for sure whether this person cheated or not at this person's place there is a box of condoms we've used a few there's some left i believe there are seven left i'm like okay you counted them okay so i will know when i see this person again if there's not seven condoms left that something happened i will also see hey if it's a new box and there are more than seven something will

happen and check this out julian i'm a smart guy even if there are seven left i wrote down the serial number of every single condom so i will know if any were replaced that's how extreme this can get by the way now for this client though massive respect because at least he was aware of it right awareness is always step one he was aware of it but he just couldn't help it when that seeps into a relationship it'll tend to just amplify it kind of gets this life of its own and in the end you

tend to manifest that very thing that you fear or the person you're seeing is just like you know what screw this where's the trust if there's no trust and you don't trust me at all done it's really really toxic i also know another person where uh whenever this person would travel his partner would make him play world of warcraft this is a true story so everyone might go out to dinner would go out at night but he would have to stay there in the hotel room this is not a close friend of mine just an

acquaintance playing world of warcraft so that his partner knew for sure that nothing was happening because it wasn't enough to just be like hey so here i am just texting they were playing world of warcraft together and if anything was going on he would not be able to focus and play correctly and his partner would know something is up crazy no right a lot of people too they have to track their phones they might even like okay give me the password your phone the password your email and they're monitoring everything it is terrible and what

you have to ask yourself if that's you okay and this is the first thing that i asked him is is it worth it is that why you got into a relationship for right this prison of just paranoia always worried what if what if what if always in this like over-the-top defense protection mode is that a relationship is that the goal and he asked me he's like between how do you trust right how do you and what it really comes down to this is the foundation we're going to go a lot deeper is number one realizing

that that strategy is flawed right because he would also go down the online vortex of all the reasons you should not trust your partner and why your partner will listen to their dna above all else like total just toxic toxic information reinforcing this competitive state right um so i told them the strategy is flawed because guess what you've been doing this you've been doing this for a long time you've been doing this for your entire life has it worked no you probably got cheated on more than the average person because of this so realizing the

strategies flawed will take away a bit of that power and number two it's realizing that that strategy is giving you the exact thing you're trying to avoid right you're trying to cover your bases oh my partner what about my partner where are they in order to feel at ease safe and secure but by doing so you never actually feel safe and secure okay and if something were to happen say your partner were to cheat well guess what you have a choice there number one is say it happens you can stress and obsess over it and

actually make it happen a lot say sooner or actually manifest it so you're not enjoying the entire relationship and then it still happens or you can just choose you know what i'm gonna trust and if it happens that'll suck but at least my time leading up to it will be enjoyable funny enough if you zoom out it's also an approach that we all take with life here right do any of you go about your days obsessing over all the different ways you could die yes or no no no what kind of life is that right

like technically if you think about it though every single second we are beating the odds every single second like right now any one of us could have a brain aneurysm and die in this moment this second maybe even meat [ __ ] on wood like saying this it's like right you know knock on wood but technically that could happen which is crazy right technically you could walk outside bang get hit by a car right you could get one of those little scooter bird things and fall there are so many things that could happen right you

know something could fall from the sky in your debt who knows some crazy fluke situation knowing that though are you going to live your life always just paranoid like every time it's like i'm about to cross the street and just over the top we're always looking up at the sky something falling and something falling no that's no way right and then we all really make the choice here because we do live with this constant threat which is life which is existence we all make the choice to be like you know what i'm not going to

let that put me in that state of fear of competitiveness we all just accept it if it's going to happen it's going to happen but i'm going to enjoy my experience until then same approach in a relationship hey if it's going to happen it's going to happen but i'm going to enjoy that relationship until then now does that mean turn a blind eye to obvious signs no does it mean be gullible no does it mean be naive no you can still be aware of that and take you could say protective measures out of love versus

out of fear and paranoia the same here right like if you're crossing the street you're not gonna be like well you know what it could happen it could happen you're just never looking and just crossing whenever no you're still aware but you're not overly paranoid you don't let it poison your experience being here alive and unfortunately that's what happens in those relationships it just poisons it and people get so so paranoid and trust me if you look for reasons to be paranoid you will find a million and one reasons to be paranoid trust me if

you want to find proof that every relationship is just destined to fail and you could never ever trust your partner you're going to find a lot of proof you will on the flip side if you want to find proof that hey actually a lot of relationships are not destined for that you can trust your partner you also find proof of that depends where your focus is okay now for someone who's really in that paranoid state and this is another thing that i told this client is cut off any information that is reinforcing that there's a

certain feedback loop all right i'm paranoid i'm paranoid let me find the tails oh more reasons to be paranoid cut that cut off all information all content that reinforces it and actually shift your focus towards content and information that reinforces that you can trust others that you can trust your partner that you can trust the world okay this can be very tough you're like oh but still but just breaking that feedback loop very very powerful you can also reflect on this perspective what's your relationship like with the world what comes up thinking about that what's

your relationship like with life and you can go subtle of course for some people it's life's life and you know it's me verses and you know there's nothing you can really do about it i'm a little victim right there's the competitive state of being a victim there's the competitive state of apathy where it's like you know life's not on my side but what's the point there's the competitive state of fear you know me versus life must protect myself must protect myself paranoid and then there's even the competitive state where it sparks up some anger and

motivation you're like it's me versus life but i'm gonna do something about it i won't let it bog me down i won't let it get me but all of that is still a competitive state right what's your relationship like with other people can you allow yourself to be seen can you open yourself up to life open yourself up to the world oh but what if that then that uh exposes all my weaknesses well hey you know i'm not safe you're not safe right now all paranoid all closed off you're literally self-generating that feeling of not

being safe you get that right by always protect protect protect you're literally giving yourself that outcome you're trying to avoid okay so those are some of the surface things to really reflect on but then it's really introspecting and visiting your past when did this come about when did you stop trusting the world when did you stop trusting life when did you stop trusting other people what are some of those experiences and for him going back to his childhood there was a lot of trauma there a lot of trauma that he believed that made him believe

at a young age that people were not to be trusted that you had to protect yourself you had to look for those signs you had to be paranoid that it's not okay to be alive and just let someone in let someone truly see you and once we started working on that things started shifting okay and this is so so common you know there's another acquaintance like you know my my my partner you know um that they're out and they're doing like some kind of photo shoot and i don't know and i don't know just always

paranoid i'm like whoa right this actually also does play into self-worth and ceilings of success where if you start entering a friendship or relationship with someone you believe is outside your league that will amplify a lot of those fears because like they're going to eventually realize that i'm down here and they're up here that we're not meant to connect and click and mesh and until you let go of that it'll be very difficult as well another exercise challenge you can do on a daily basis is proactively look for goodness proactively look for good in the

world good in people you can do what i call a good deeds challenge right every single day look for three good deeds that you saw three acts of kindness random acts of kindness you saw other people do because if you're in that state what happens it hijacks your focus your ras and you're literally always looking for threat reason to not trust the world is bad the world is out to get me so what you're doing here with the good deeds is you're taking your focus and saying nope away from that onto the good and it

might be very hard to find at first you might also have to lower the bar oh hey someone uh held the door open there you can also find a lot of good deeds online and then what about doing three good deeds every single day yourself what are three good deeds you saw what are three good deeds you did because here's the other really crazy one the more you start acting very contracted protective paranoid the more you unconsciously start assuming that everyone else is like you okay the more you start actually doing good deeds and goodness

you're like look it's all good the more you start assuming other people are like me they're also doing good deeds they're still good out there and ultimately it's a choice right you choose to believe in goodness do you choose to believe in hope you choose to trust and it can be hard it can be difficult but ultimately one will lead you down a very dark road really slowly just poisons existence and your relationships and the other won't trust me say it doesn't even go according to plan that relationship that sting of it not working is

way less worse than the whole subtle just poisoning of it leading up to it if you are paranoid now funny enough by taking on those frames by choosing to trust by also allowing yourself to be seen you feel more comfortable within yourself by letting go of the past by letting go of ceilings as success you really come into your own and guess what that handles a lot of the things that cause relationships and and your partner to cheat to begin with right like you can be aware like oh you know what are some tips to

get my partner attracted you know i think i should do some validation stuff that's the only way they'll stay is the validation that's terrible right that's one approach the other one is hey i'm gonna be me tap into my own here's what's up and then that just all happens naturally in on both sides and when it comes to commitment too this is huge realize that there is no such thing as non-commitment you cannot not commit what does that mean people are like well i'm kind of scared to commit to a relationship to a partner to

a friendship hey if you don't you know what you're committing to nothingness i'm scared to commit to a certain purpose well if you're you're committing right now to no purpose then right there is no non-commitment well i'm kind of scared to commit to trusting well you're committing to not trusting we think we can avoid that no you're committing regardless better to be proactive and shift it towards something that is beneficial and that gives you an amazing deep fulfilling experience being here alive okay and in relationships to not all of them last forever some might end

doesn't mean that just because the ending is there that the whole relationship leading up to that is bad too you can also audit if you look back at your past relationships do you look back with fondness and like you know what wasn't meant to be but that was still a great experience or do you look back all bitter something to others someone who really doesn't trust bitter okay keep saying get better not bitter most people it's like every time it's like they get more and more bitter and bitter and bitter and bitter and they turn

into like this really wretched creature right to put it lightly so be aware of that ask yourself it's easy to see in others what's my version of that it might be very subtle too you might actually have for the most part a very healthy relationship a very trusting relationship but there might still be small pockets of this right you can take the extreme example of like the condom serial number but also turn the me around be like what's my version of that what are some aspects like maybe not right and ultimately too a relationship you

want to be in a healthy one is one where you trust and you truly let someone see everything that is you the more you hide guess what the more unconsciously you're gonna start assuming the other person's hiding from you so similar to the good deeds it also means going first right there's a book you can read called radical honesty by brad blanton this is a very extreme extreme book i don't agree with everything but it's a very interesting perspective and what he says is you know and i'm kind of paraphrasing here i've heard this not

confirmed so don't take my word but i is a thought experience an interesting exercise on some of his events or retreats you would say say you sign up you'd have to sit down the whole idea is just be honest about everything all the time so the whole idea is you'd sit down and he'd have the person go over and tell the group their entire life story not the story that you tell your friends and then you can kind of think of the different stories that you say right you have this life story of who you

are and what you did in your past you tell your friends you have this life story that you tell your family you have this life story you tell co-workers there's less life stories you tell your partner et cetera et cetera right all these different versions of the truth but then there's the one life story that only you know that's the challenge there is you sit down and hey they pull out a camera talk to the camera tell that authentic life story from the beginning no lies don't try to impress anyone don't even try to impress

yourself put it all out there and then they give you the recording and they tell you to send it to your parents your friends your partner everyone you know now notice the cringe what's the signal there you're probably hiding a lot now again i like this idea okay do i agree with all this not necessarily okay but it is very interesting to just kind of show you like huh where is that resistance where's those pockets of like no one can ever see this right he also says when you enter a relationship to sit down with

your partner and talk about as honestly as possible and as detailed as possible all of your past experiences all of your past sexual experiences everything put it all out on the table that creates cringe that's interesting huh why am i hiding that even on a more macro level you can ask yourself when it comes to your partner or a potential partner or someone you might want to enter a relationship with are there parts of you that you know there is a little bit of shame and resistance around them finding out about it right like take

you at your most you could say kind of raw authentic even a bit vulnerable right say you go out tonight and you kind of party it up and tomorrow you wake up wherever you live and you're a bit tired a bit even hungover right say someone's like drink and you're like oh like hungover you smell terribly you didn't clean nothing you're there say that ideal partner just walks in would there be any cringe were there any part of you that's like don't see me like this if so you're putting that wall now does that mean

be like that all the time no okay these are just interesting perspectives to bring this up the same with right now in this moment would you feel comfortable if your ideal partner saw your internet history your browser what you're into what you read what you watch would you feel comfortable if that partner met your friends they'd be like oh then they'll see my friends aren't as cool as i kind of put it out to be what about your family what about your past talking to childhood friends learning everything about you right all this really shines

a light on those things that you just kind of hide inside this will also cause not only that paranoia as we talked about but a lot of self-sabotage this is rampant by the way where you might have amazing initial interactions with people again friendships relationships networking you name it amazing initial but then after a certain point you leave you self-sabotage you bounce why because there's that fear that hey if i spend more time with this person they're gonna start seeing past this carefully crafted front they're going to see the real me they're going to get

to know the real me and they might see that i'm not as i presented myself to be and that too is very terrible and you can audit how much of this front there is by how much effort and how drained you feel when talking to people how much effort or drained you feel even in a relationship and once more it's like that's not the goal right it's not this prison of paranoia where you're walking around on eggshells like always drained like what if my partner finds out all this stuff about me a relationship is here

this is me and you have to also trust that people will be okay with that by you also going first this is me is what's up it gives your partner permission to do that as well and then it's like this personal sanctuary right that's a serious relationship it's like you're a unit that's also a serious friendship very few people have that ride or die type of friends in their lives right we're all more connected than ever with social media but also more isolated than ever very few people have someone who they can confide in you

can truly talk to and open up about what's going on if something doesn't go your way in life something that might even be very personal even a little bit embarrassing most people are like i can't tell that to my social circle can't tell that to my work friends because then they'll think this of me and they have no one to talk to right that's crazy that's what forum is a deep friendship no fronts that's what forms a deep relationship and no matter who you are your past what you're into someone out there will like it

and love it and be okay with it and if you haven't met someone who likes it and loves it yet it's because you haven't met enough people meet more people right there's the cheesy uh self-help saying like find your tribe it's your tribe's out there it actually is and i know i said we're more connected yet more isolated you can actually use the internet social media even facebook groups to find that tribe just think of everyone here all of us here listening you know to me thinking about these ideas we're kind of a weird tribe

by mainstream standards right we kind of are but we're also a pretty big tribe what's your own personal tribe and it also comes down to you just getting clear on who you are this also means being clear in your intention what you see is what you get it means managing expectations and then it's also getting rid of the whole people-pleaser approach because that too people try to enter different friendships or relationships trying to people please they put on the front and say it even goes well say you actually get into a relationship with this front

that makes it always worse because now you have to keep maintaining that at some point if you're like i'm actually not this right so no people pleaser the same with how people try to go about socializing they try to please and get as much validation and approval as possible that's not it what's true socializing getting in touch with who you authentically are putting it out there in a relatable way so it's a win-win but then it's finding that tribe it's sorting through seeing who you're meant to be was seeing who you're not seeing where there's

chemistry seeing where there isn't not getting everyone to like you finding the people you're truly truly meant to connect with and a deep relationship like that will beat any kind of superficial relationship same with friendships you could have a million superficial friends or one or two really deep ones those are the ones that will bring the most value and joy to your life and the more superficial the more the front the more you also feel alone right it's crazy too how i've experienced this in the past you might even be talking to people you have

this group of friends and everyone's kind of laughing and you're there in person physically yet it kind of feels like there's this invisible glass wall between you and them like you're operating at a slightly different frequency that's not good how do you solve this what we talked about here and then of course letting go you got to identify when did this glass wall first come about when did you first started you know defending yourself from the world not trusting the world what about that front that you know all those defense mechanisms can you drop it

and trust me you'll go through life much more relaxed much more at ease and that's also true legacy right letting people truly see you truly get to know you not the front who you really are you can ask yourself how many people actually got to see experience and know me remember that little life story that only you know inside who else got to see a part of that do the people in your life know a part of that they experience a part of that if not are you making any kind of authentic impact on people

on the world probably not so get to it choose to trust and learn to let go little rants on that hope you enjoy [Music] like this program is such a game changer the way everything's structured and the material it's been already even for me it's just been i'm noticing a crazy change in in the way that my whole life's like playing out what you put together is just incredible there's nothing like that i've just jumped like a million levels it's just been a complete 180 for my experience of existing that's awesome it's just been so

huge in terms of so many of the things i'm finally understanding and realizing and epiphanies i'm having what you do is a huge inspiration to me and i think it's one of the most beautiful things you can give to another human in this entire world my enlightenment and tell you that's this is real man sometimes all it takes is just one person who believes in you find people who are where you are in life and model them work with them i would not be here if i didn't have people who held me accountable wow i

just felt a click and things are changing this program was just top notch seriously like this is a masterpiece this is this is perfect everything the way it's set up the live calls like all the support from the coaches is incredible it's it's been nuts i just had my test joy this was the best decisions i ever made thank you for creating something wonderful like this this program was phenomenal this program was uh was amazing this program has definitely changed my life i know for a fact i'm in the right place this is exactly what

i was expecting from the program it's been uh spectacular i feel really lucky to have found you thank you so much julian it's worth every dollar