Welcome to Iron Maine. Bologoney Clark, child genius, prody, and son of a super rich weapons manufacturer who took over the business after his dad's death a long time ago. Too busy gambling in Vegas to accept an award he doesn't give a [ __ ] about.
So his dad's right-hand man or super close friend who Tony is the superior of now. Obadia [ __ ] Stain has to accept the award on his behalf. Bony then gets grilled by a reporter for profiting off of murder basically.
So he does the ultimate shad assertion of dominance move and sleeps with that [ __ ] that has the most punchable smiling face on the planet. I can't be the only one thinking that. Po wakes up in Tony's nerds wet dream of a house.
His assistant sends her off and goes down to tell Tony that he's three hours late for his own flight while he's working on his hot rod. Then he annoys her/ flirts with her and races off to his private jet where his bff, Lieutenant Colonel important Air Force man Guy Rhodess has been waiting for him for hours to accompany him on his trip to Afghanistan while he does a weapons demo over there for the army. Here's mad at him, but they fly off anyway and Tony makes it up for him with flight attendant hookers and alcohol.
Then sometime later, I'm guessing a long time, they land in Afghanistan, land of terrorism and goat sex. Let's go round the Taliban, boys and girls. Tony gives a live weapons demo of his new cluster missile called the Jericho hitting some empty Afghani mountains and jumps into HV to head back to PJ I guess and on the way back his convoy gets attacked.
All the people protecting him get killed and I don't know how this didn't do any damage to him at all. Not even one HP. Definitely should have.
Anyway, he runs out and gets hit by one of his very own shrapnel bombs, officially becoming irony man. That shrapnel bomb should have also killed him, by the way, regardless of whatever vest he was wearing. At least in my opinion that is.
I'm not a [ __ ] expert though, so who cares? He somehow survives and gets taken away by some terrorists who perform life-saving surgery on him. Then do a rant video with him.
Some more surgery. And after all that, he wakes up in a room in a cave with a car battery hooked up to a device in the middle of his chest with another dude in the room telling him that it's a magnet keeping whatever shrapnel is left in his body that he couldn't get out away from his heart so it doesn't get pumped into it or into any other vital organs or whatever. He's the one that performs life-saving surgery on him, by the way.
And they're both prisoners of this terrorist group called the 10 rings who come in and tell Tony that they want him to build a Jericho missile for them, but he refuses. So they torture him a bit and try again showing him that they have all his other weapons already which is all he needs to build the Jericho commiss for them and once he does they'll set him free. Inen the bald doctor prisoner guy was translating all this to Tony in real time and at the end of it Tony's like you have a deal.
He's never going to let us go is he? Nope. So motivated by Yensen, Tony Bark comes up with a plan, orders a bunch of tools and pretends like he's building the Jericho missile that they want, but instead starts building himself [ __ ] to aid in his escape.
First thing he builds is a mini arctor, which is like a very powerful power source he's going to use to power his heart or his chest piece to keep the trap away from his heart. And according to him, it can run his heart for 50 lifetimes or something very big for 50 minutes. So essentially, the dude solved the world's energy crisis.
Yeah, he's probably not going to share his technology with everybody because he doesn't want it to fall in the wrong hands. And also, I'm pretty sure that palladium [ __ ] is either really expensive or really hard to come by. But still, just saying 10 rings, dudes watch all this happen, believing he's working on the Jericho, so they don't do much about it.
But then some time passes and he starts working on a metal suit that he can use to fight his way out of here, which will be powered by this new chest piece of his. They work on that stuff, play some back gamon, bro out, bond, and then work some more. Then the 10 kinks guys watching finally get suspicious that they're not building a Jericho.
They're like what the [ __ ] That does not look like the missile. So they come in there to check on them with their very bald and evil leader who is basically like you make good weapon. I want your weapon in are you making weapon?
Yes, you lie. No, no, I don't lie. Yes, you lie.
I swear I don't lie. Yes, you do. I'm going to feed you co now.
No, don't. He's good assistant. I please need him, please.
Okay, but I want missile tomorrow though. So now with a very tight deadline, Tony starts fiercely beating his mean I mean metal to finish up the suit. Both of them working really hard to finish up ASAP.
And once they do, they start shooting up Tony out of sight of the cameras and sort of installing the software of it while Tony is memorizing the directions out of this cave. The 10 wings people see this or lack of this and send some guards in there to check on them. But when they try to open the door, they blow up because Cloney and Yinsen booby trap the thing to blow up.
Couldn't they have just as easily locked it from their side and welded that sliding people shut? Or would that have made too much noise? Probably.
Whatever. More guards are sent their way, but the suits firmware is not done installing. [ __ ] Windows be picking the worst times to make their updates.
Am I right, Tony? So in picks up one of their guns and tells that he'll buy him some time, and he's like, "No, don't do But he's like, "I'm going to buy you some time. " It's literally like the you don't have to do this meme.
Don't do this. No. [ __ ] you.
I do this. You don't have to do this. [ __ ] you.
How do we do this? Except, you know, they're not trying to kill each other. They're trying to save each other.
But who cares? He runs out shooting the gun like a mad man, scaring away some guards. But then he runs into more guards and they light him up.
That is enough time bot though for Tony suit to finally finish installation of his software. He's able to walk around and destroy the guards coming for him, making his way through the cave as a bulletproof unstoppable force, scaring the [ __ ] out of everybody trying to slow him down. Then while fighting them, he gets his arm stuck in a wall.
And this brain deadad [ __ ] tries to headshot him up close, but it reflects into him. And not only is there no visible bullet wound for when it reflected back to his [ __ ] skull because of Disney's wacky ass rules with blood and gore, but you know what's even more annoying is that if he would have aimed at one of his unprotected eye holes, his most vulnerable part in the suit that even a rat would know to go for, this movie would be over right now. I'm also pretty sure there's more exposed bits of that armor for him to move as easily as he does.
So, it's very surprising to me actually that no bullets actually make it through there accidentally, especially in this next scene where they just lay it on him with all his gunfire. Anyway, he keeps making his way through the cave and bald tends guy tries to take him out with a noob tube, but misses. So Tony class back with his own explosives and takes him out.
Then sees a bleeding out Yansen and tells him that he ain't going to make it. Save yourself. Don't waste your life.
That type of [ __ ] Then dies. Tony keeps going, gets to the exit of the cave and is greeted with a hail stom of bullets that is mentioned. Do not slip past any of the cracks in his armor, but whatever.
Tony retaliates by cranking up the heat and lighting everything on fire with his flamethrowers, trying to take out as many of his weapons before leaving as he can, but then starts taking fire from a 50 hell and multiple other directions, finally taking out some vital parts of his suit, not his body. So he hits the ejectose button. His suit starts propelling him out of there and he turns into rocket man flying out of there as the place explodes.
But it's only like a small rocket boost to escape and not a sustained flight type deal. So it crash lands in some dunes far enough away from them only suffering a few cuts and bruises. The inertia from that alone should have caused irreversible damage to his body if not death.
There's actually a few more examples of this happening in this movie where inertia should have totally ash this guy, but I'm going to ignore them all because I can't be bothered and we don't have time. Just know that they exist and they're [ __ ] Moving on. He starts wandering the desert until he search party finally finds him.
Rose happens to be in it and comes to him like Lisa. They fly him home and as soon as he lands he calls for two things. First, cheeseburgers.
Second, a press conference where he announces that he will stop manufacturing selling weapons and do something else cuz his [ __ ] is falling into the wrong hands and creating too much destruction. Now, this announcement obviously creates a bit of a stir that Mr [ __ ] Stain has to contain that rind. So, after this, he goes to meet Tony at his factory staring at his big arc reactor that they made a long time ago.
Oh, but [ __ ] comes at him like the [ __ ] was all that back there. Tony tells us that he doesn't want to make weapons anymore. He's seen all the destruction it causes.
He wants to do something else. He wants to take another look into arc reactor technology. chosen that he made a mini one on his chest and as soon as Baldi sees this him and his wallet starts halvating at the money-making possibilities of this tells Tony to lay low with the press for a while and not tell not tell anybody not and not tell anybody about this new advancement in arc reacttor technology while he deals with the shite storm he created when he announced that a weapons company will stop manufacturing weapons [ __ ] voice crack goes home and makes a new upgraded chest piece for himself but he needs pepper pots his assistant's help to replace the old one and remove an exposed wire that's shorting somewhere and doing something bad disconnects the old one and she does And I don't really know how this works.
How much time he has between exchanging and unplugging the old one and putting the new one in before the shrapnel reaches his heart. Or whether the chest piece is a magnet as well as the power source or just the power source and the magnet is the ring around in his chest. But when she was pulling the wire out, she also pulled out the magnet at the end of it as well.
And he made it seem like it was vital that she didn't do that. So is that the magnet? Is the magnet in the chest piece?
Is he in danger? Is he not in danger? How is he alive?
I don't [ __ ] get it. Whatever. She plugs in the new one.
He's fine. He tells her to take the old chest piece and destroy it. Then he goes over to tell roads that he's working on something new unrelated to weapons, which really disappoints him.
He's like, "How dare you not continue making weapons of mass destruction and bloodshed? I spit on you. " So he starts working on this new project in secret alone.
Fires up his computer with his completely useless gibberish keyboard. Like seriously, you're using English at the end anyway, so why are you using this? Did he invent a completely new language that is more efficient and didn't share with anybody?
Is this code so no one can tell what he's writing? Whatever. He starts making a new and improved suit.
First, he works on the rocket boots and tries to do a test flight or test hover with them at 10% thrust capacity, which comedically launches him into the ceiling behind him. And other than this being another example of a very injury-worthy incident that he did not get injured from at all, you're telling me that super genius Tony Stark miscalculated the equation for how much thrust he needed to lift his weight off the ground slightly. That's like fifth grade math.
That's ass [ __ ] bro. Whatever. He keeps working on flight stuff, making arm hand flight stabilizers.
Obia should stayain comes back from a board of directors meeting telling him that they want to lock him out of the company. But maybe, just maybe, if he can take a look at what he's working on in secret down there, he can give the shareholders or whatever a reason not to do that. But Tony refuses it and continues working.
There's another small and successful this time test flight in his garage. Then he suits up in some chrome exoskeleton armor, making a sleeker Iron Man suit, uploads Jarvis to it, then takes a bigger test flight outside, where he tries to break the SR71 Blackbird's altitude record by climbing as high as he can. But when he does that, he faces a lot of icing, which shuts down his suit, causing him to drop faster than a pretty young woman, dropping all her morals and dignity after finding out how much she can make an Only Fans.
But he's eventually able to break the ice and restart the suit and barely save himself from spotting onto the ground. Goes back home and tries to land on the roof, but drops through it, breaking a bunch of floors and landing on a priceless AC cobra. It sees a gift from Pepper on his table that he rips apart in the stupidest movie character way possible.
It's not packed tightly enough for you to open it that way. He Stark. I don't know why it's pissing me off so much.
Also, later on in other MCU movies, I'm almost certain that he lands on other weaker things in more violent ways without punching a hole through them like he did with his roof here, but I'm too lazy to go find them. Also, throughout the MCU, I'm pretty sure he also upgrades his armor with stronger and lighter materials. So, I could totally be talking out of my ass here.
Probably am. Anyway, the gift is his old chest piece with a cute little quote surrounding it. Then he sits down to do some adjustments to suit fixing the icing problem and giving it a new lick of paint.
And while that happens, he sees on the TV that there's a firefighter benefit charity celebrity ball thing party happening that he hosts that he was not invited to. The disrespect, unbelievable. So, he decides to go over there, make a surprise appearance, and probably score some puntang as well.
Over there, he meets this shield agent who wants to have a meeting with him to debrief him on the circumstances of his escape, whatever that means. So, Tony quickly agrees on whatever date he said like, "Yeah, yeah, April 31st, you got a boss. " because his assistant is looking very breathable tonight and she caught his eye.
So he goes over there to dance with her and do some flirtation banter about how nervous she is looking at this smashable and dancing with her boss and all these people. He assures her it's all fine with some more flirtation. Then they go out to the balcony to get some fresh air.
She overthinks his whole thing some more than almost kisses him. So he goes to get her a drink to calm her nerves. While doing that, he runs into the reporter with a punchable face who grills him on the fact that he said he stopped making and selling weapons, yet he just sold some to the 10 rings recently that they're using to terrorize this small town called Galmira that just so happens to be Yinsen's old hometown.
Showing him picture proof of this [ __ ] So he goes to confront Mr Pistain about the fact that they're still making and selling weapons not just to the government but also to the enemy to which he basically responds with I like money dude okay and I don't care about any morals especially yours. Who do you think pushed for locking you out of the company buddy? Then he leaves Tony goes home to brood while watching the news about Gira sees the ball on TV got knocked out and scarred by the attempt in blowing him up from Tony who's adjusting his fight stabilizers and realizes that he can use them as weapons themselves as displayed when he breaks all this glass.
Don't know how effective that [ __ ] is cuz the wall behind the glass is completely [ __ ] fine. But let's pretend that it does a lot of damage. He outfits this brand new suit with a bit more weapons, then puts it on in this suit up scene that was the hottest [ __ ] back in 2008 and flies over to Gulmir.
Does a superhero landing and takes out all the 10 rings being 10 pricks in the [ __ ] of the residents of this town. Then takes off again to look for his weapons so he can destroy them, but while doing that gets shot down by a tank. And you know what?
I just realized his flying posture sucks ass and must hurt his back like a [ __ ] Just try it yourself. You know, after you're done [ __ ] or laying in bed, get up and try and hold his posture, aka stare at your ceiling, for 22 [ __ ] hours. Just bet that [ __ ] gets annoying after 22 seconds.
Now imagine how [ __ ] Tony's neck is. Can he just fly around as if he's standing upright and have a camera on the top of his head to see where he's going? Doesn't matter.
He one shot, one kills that tank and walks away without looking at the explosion because cool guys don't look at explosions. Then he finds some more of his weapons and destroys them. Then flies off.
The air force is alerted to an unknown bogey in this area, which is him. So calls him to see if the new thing that he told him he was going to work on is this thing. Like is this you're doing?
I haven't the slightest clue what you're talking about, bro. So then they send a couple fighter jets after him to attack. He launches flares to try and escape and does some more avasive maneuvers.
then is able to outbreak them and calls back Rudy saying, "All right, it's me and it's not a piece of equipment. It's a suit in a minute. " But then one of the jets sees him on the belly of the other jet and he's like, "Do a barrel roll.
Try to shake him. How the [ __ ] did he even get there when he did this to escape them? " Whatever.
The jet does a bunch of rolls to shake him off and he does get chicken taken off but hits the wing of the other plane, forcing the pilot to eject and Tony helps him pull the suit cuz the handle is jammed and flies home. Rudy then covers up this incident to the media by calling it a training exercise gone wrong, gone sexual while Pepper finally sees what Tony's been working on once he arrives home and tries to take the suit off. Then a little while later, we see a meeting of the bald.
Obadai. Come goes to meet the leader of the 10 pricks gang cuz they've been collecting the remaining bits of Tony's cave escape suit. And Mr Cometain wants it.
So he's there to get it. And as it turns out, Obia is the one that ordered the hit on Tony, but they didn't follow through with it and kept him alive to try to get something out of him. That's all water under the goat right now, though, because Bald Arap tries to make another deal with Bald American for the suit, but Oadia just paralyzes him using this band soundwave paralysis tech he's immune to cuz he has these specialized earbuds in that were not visible in any of the previous shots.
By the way, he has his guards kill him and his men then load up the suit and everything else to take back to the Arc reactor factory where he asks his best scientists to make him a mini Arcactor just like Tony and his very own bigger batter suit. Then we come back over to Tony telling Pepper to sneak into his office at the factory, go into a certain file on his computer and find all the most recent sales and shipments so he can go and destroy all his weapons. She's like, "Nah, I won't do that.
You get yourself killed. " He's like, "Come on. I'm trying to do good this time.
" So she's like, "Fine. " And goes over there to do that. And finds more than he requested.
She finds schematics for a massive new mech suit and proof that Kaya should stay in order the 10 rings hit on him. So she copies all that onto a USB stick and is just able to slip past Obadia who saw her doing some shady [ __ ] on the computer and realized too late what she had done. And she walks away in a hurry with that same shield agent who went on a debrief meeting with Tony.
Obadia realizes he's running out of time. So he goes to the scientists who have failed to make him a mini arc reactor because they're too stupid and he gets angry with them for that in that classic Tony Stark was able to build this in a cave scene. Instead, he goes over to Tony's house to steal the chest piece currently on him by paralyzing him with that same device from earlier as he was getting a call from Pepper.
It's night time right now. Are you seriously telling me that Obadia drove all the way over there, found a comfy hiding spot behind the couch, waited for Tony to come down, and in all this time that stupid ass vagina scented candle [ __ ] did not get the idea to call him and warn him about what she found. What a stupid [ __ ] Anyway, he tells him he's the one that organizes kidnapping and his failed murder while extracting his chest piece with a custom extraction tool.
He talks some more [ __ ] then leaves with it to let Tony's heart get destroyed by shrapnel. But then Tony remembers that Poss destroy his old chest piece. So he stumbles, crawls, and claws his way over to it through the garage, but doesn't have enough strength to reach for it.
So one of his robot helpers hands it to him, and he does a swift unboxing to plug it into his chest and save his life. I have many issues with what just happened. For starters, when Bul paralyzed the other bald Afghan, he told him the paralysis would only last for 50 minutes.
Tony started moving in like three. Secondly, I find it very infuriating and very uncharacteristic for super smart Tony. Even under pressure super smart Tony not to use this mechanics dolly to move around easier instead of crawling.
He just pushes it away. And thirdly, I have pretty much the same gripe with when he reaches for the old chest piece that's on top of few like books or magazines. He can't reach it and keeps pushing it back with his fingertips.
Then gives up when he said he could have yanked the books down and let it drop on the floor if he's going to break it anyway. Like what the any [ __ ] would know this whatever though. Pepper calls Roads when Tony didn't answer and told him to go check on him.
So he does and he finds him in the state he's in having plugged the old thing back in his chest and Rose tells him that Pepper is on her way with a few shield agents to go arrest Obadia who just powered up his new suit with Tony's chest piece and gets into it. Tony knows that mere flesh of human meat sacks are no match for him now so he suits up himself and tells Rose to keep the skies clear for him and flies over to save Pepper and fight Mr Shidain who is currently attacking the shield agents that came for him in section 16 under the arc character where he was making the suit and stuff. Tries to kill a fleeing Pepper but this seemingly fortified doorway stops him.
So he just pops out the street to kill her, which is somehow easier for him to do. But thankfully, Tony arrives just in time for the final boss fight and protects her. They tear through the ground, walls, a truck, and end up fighting on the street.
Tony does a, I'm pretty sure, very energyhungry chess power shot to save an Audi product placement, then sets it down gently to save the family in it, which wastes even more energy from his way inferior literal caveman chest piece. All this takes it down to 19% power. He fights Stain some more, gets thrown into a bus and blown up, but comes out floating in style, which prompts Stain to start flying as well.
So Tony decides to go to max altitude. Although flying really super drains his chest piece. It's like trying to play PUBG on an iPhone 6 in 2025.
His [ __ ] is draining fast from 15% to 7% in a matter of seconds. But it keeps climbing anyway because Obi-Wan Ni is following him. He gets to him and is like, "Gotcha, [ __ ] Yeah, you did.
But how'd you deal with the icing problem? " Ball guy suit freezes over, shuts down and drops faster than Zorgath, the destroyer, aka the trans wedding cake. Tony also starts to make his way down a bit slower though because his suit is running on 2% power now.
So his thrusters are failing. He gets to the roof of his factory and starts taking off his suit, which is a dumb as [ __ ] idea cuz he just assumes that Obadiah died and he didn't. He survives somehow and comes back to continue fighting with him.
Gives him a grand old squeeze. Tony escapes it using some flares, then hides to call Pepper, instructing her to overload the reactor and hit the big red button to fry everything on the roof on his queue. I don't know how she knows to do all this stuff.
She is just an assistant. And this thing is a 30-year-old publicity stunt according to Stain, but whatever. Maybe she was very hands-on with this thing.
Who cares? She starts flipping all these switches to overload the Ractor and waits for Tony's command to push the big red button. Meanwhile, up top, he re-engaged the ball guy, jumping on his back, ripping apart important looking exposed [ __ ] from the suit, which happens to be his viewing/targeting system or whatever, but then gets thrown onto this glass roof bit of the building with his helmet off.
Valdo opens up his suit to reveal his mini div. a form. Gatling guns the glass beneath Tony and tries to blow him up with missiles, but his targeting system got ripped out, so he's kind of inaccurate.
So, he just keeps firing and getting closer and closer to Tony, who yells at Pepper to press the button. She does. The reactor overloads and creates this sort of initial shock wave that pushes Tony out of the way.
And the ensuing I don't know what to call this [ __ ] you power blast to the sky kills ball guy or fries him or something without frying Tony as well although he seems to be just as close to that glass roof as Obai was but whatever. Dude falls into that actor blows up and dies. Tony survives and next day Shield comes up with a [ __ ] cover story to explain away last night's events to the public that he wasn't there.
He was on a yacht somewhere and the guy in the suit was a bodyguard. Blah blah blah. But when it comes time to read the [ __ ] off the cards he's like [ __ ] that noise.
I am Iron Man and everybody loses their [ __ ] This movie gets 67 deeps out of 32 chat GBTs.
