Daniel Fernandes | Alive And Vaccinated | Full Special 2023

‘AAGE BADH’ by ALPHA plays *Audience Cheers* Thank you. That’s right, yeah! Nice. This is so good Alright, alright Any more, you’ll get pregnant ma’am Calm down Yeah. You know, two years ago, I did not think this would ever be possible again. Crazy, right? And look at us now All of you, out and about, sitting next to total strangers. You have no idea what diseases they're carrying. You don't know if they wash their hands But you don't care, do you? Yeah. I don't know if it's a good thing we survived this pandemic. Surviving this pandemic is

like winning squid game, except you're left with a lot less money than what you started with. But what a couple of years! Two life-changing years. Two years that taught us a lot of lessons. All of us have learned something. I learned three very important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, and I will share them with you. #1: There's beauty in the simplicity of life. #2: Success can be measured not just in terms of paper, but also people and time. And #3: You can’t tell jokes on the internet. You

cannot! People are not online for laughter alright? Here’s how I found out, okay? I don’t know if you guys noticed but when the pandemic hit A lot of people were very unhappy with the way the Government was handling the pandemic. You guys remember that? Yeah? Not me. I love the Government! I like everything they do. I buy all their merch. That's right. I'm wearing something orange tonight. You can’t see it, it’s there! Yeah But these people, they were not happy, you know, And they were complaining on social media, you know, these ungrateful fucks, right? And

they were all bitching about how the pandemic was being handled. And as a comedian, I saw this and I thought like, you know, let me give back. Let me lighten up the mood. Let me put my skills to good use. So I posted a joke and this is the joke I posted that pissed a lot of people off All I said was this: “The upside to the Government's terrible mismanagement of this pandemic is that once this is all over, there'll be considerably less traffic” That's a good one, right? Come on! I mean, come on. Like,

Have you ever been stuck in a traffic jam? And you look at the guy in the car next to you and you wish he wasn't there? That's what this is. People did not like the joke. They decided to let me know. They started commenting and one person wrote, “I've watched two of my neighbors die of COVID and now their children will grow up without parents” What is wrong with you?” A few seconds later, another comment: “I lost three relatives and two friends to COVID How could you do a joke like this?” And I'm like, “This

is turning into a competition” “Who has witnessed more death?” I was like, “I also want to play!” So I replied to each of their comments with the picture of the Constitution. That’s right, Yeah! Yeah! That’s right! Guys the jokes are going to be smart, okay? Yeah, some of you got really confused there. I saw that on your faces. You're like, “Constitution?” “What is he talking about?” “Haven't heard of it since 2014” Here’s another thing I noticed during the pandemic, okay? Here's the thing, as comedians, right? Our only agenda is to make you laugh. That's all

we care about. The laugh! Money also, but mostly the laugh, you know. So we tell you a joke, you laugh, we feel happy, we tell that joke again and again and again all over the country, all over the world, until eventually people record that joke, put it out there on the Internet. And then a few years later, that same joke that all of you laughed at, Is pissing people off! Here’s what happened, okay? There's a comedian in the Indian comedy scene and he has a special on Amazon Prime. And in this special there is a

joke about Reservation. Everybody familiar? Yeah? Reservation, for those of you don't know, is affirmative action by the Government of India aimed towards uplifting, marginalized communities, most of who are people who are victims of the caste system. Right. So South Africa had apartheid, America had slavery, India was feeling left out. So, yeah, we needed a thing. You know? Now, to joke about this is a little bit of a tricky space, but this guy did it. He released a special online. Somebody watched that special, and when they saw that joke about reservation, they got really angry and

they gathered a mob online because the Wi-Fi was really good. And the mob started chanting, “This comedian is a casteist comedian!” “This comedian must apologize!” Because if there’s one way to end thousands of years of systemic oppression, it’s by asking a comedian to say sorry! Yeah This comedian's notifications started blowing up. He's like, “Why are people tagging me in all these posts?” "What is going on?" And the crowd just went, “Mr. Comedian, you have a special on Amazon Prime. and in that special, there is a joke about reservation. It's not funny! It’s casteist! Say sorry!”

and that comedian is like, “I have a special on Amazon Prime?” That’s how long it’s been! This guy had to then watch his own special just to be sure what he was apologizing for and he then said sorry. And here's another thing I’ve observed about the mob, okay? Online, their only agenda, no matter what they claim, their only agenda is to make somebody apologize. That is all they care about. And here's how I know. Have you ever seen any follow up tweets after the outrage has died down? Have you ever seen a tweet saying, “Mr.

So-and-so, it's been six months, what are your views on gender pronouns?” never happens! They just want that apology. And that's exactly what happened here but now they have to leave him alone because he has apologized but the Wi-Fi is still good! So here's what the mob does. They gather everybody in a huddle and they’re like "Alright guys! Come here, come here, come here!" "Let's see who else has done similar jokes" And then they go on a treasure hunt digging through social media. And when they find somebody, they go, "Pikachu!" “Abish Matthew, say sorry!” And I'm

like, "Abish?" Out of all the people in the Indian comedy scene that have said shit in the last ten years. Abish? You guys know this! Abish Matthew is one of the nicest guys in Indian comedy, right? Jesus Christ! Even Jesus was like, “Abish?” So I found this whole thing very funny. I find it funny how we told you a bunch of jokes, you laughed and then we put those jokes online, and the same jokes are pissing people off. So I wanted to do a joke about that observation. So I posted another joke because Mumbai, I

never learn A very harmless joke All I said was this “I would like to apologize for all my jokes from 2021 that you may find offensive in 2031” The mob reached my phone! They’re like, “Daniel Fernandes is a casteist comedian.” And I'm like, “No!” “Daniel Fernandes is a Catholic comedian” Oh, yeah. Yeah. And let me just say this, okay? As a Catholic, I don't understand the caste system. I don't get this complex human Jenga that you play. And not because I don't care. It's just that growing up, I've never been exposed to this. Nobody ever

spoke to us about it, Okay? As adults, yes, people are speaking to us now, but they're doing it in a language called yelling! And we all know how well that works. And also, as a Catholic, I don't have time for the caste system or anything else or anything else for that matter, because most of my days are spent managing inventories of rice! I don’t have time! I understand that joke requires some context, yes! I will provide it, right? Now, this may come as a shock to you, but minorities in India are being oppressed. Yeah, you

know, this is true, right? And with the Muslims, especially the they're not even hiding it anymore. It's very brazen. If you are a Muslim and you live in India, you watch the fuck out! Right? But there are other minorities also. So with the Catholics and the Christians they're at that stage of genocide that I call the warming up Yeah? it's the name calling. They're just warming up. They're like, “Alright! let’s fucking do it!” Name calling is the first step of genocide. And I don't know if you've noticed this, but on the Internet, a lot of

Catholics or Christians are being called ricebags. That's a religious slur that's been floating around on the Internet for the last couple of years. Now, as a comedian, I appreciate a good insult. I respect the effort That goes into trying to destroy somebody's soul. So if I hear a good insult, I will doff my hat and say, "Yes, that was really good" But when somebody called me a ricebag for the first time, I was really confused. I didn't know if it was an insult on an invitation to lunch! I was like, "What is this, some bring

your own rice party?" I couldn't understand, but then I figured it out. Okay! I understood. I did some digging and I read this on the internet. So it has to be true. Now, apparently a lot of people in this country are convinced that hundreds of years ago, everybody in India belonged to one religion. I'm not going to say which one. Apparently it is the one that’s in danger. They are convinced that everybody belonged to this religion. And then Christian missionaries showed up to India and some people left this religion and joined Christianity, allegedly in exchange

for bags of rice. So to remind us of the treachery that was committed all those years ago when we did not exist, we are now being called ricebags. Now again, a good insult is like a gun, which works best when aimed in the right direction. Now, if you're somebody from this religion and you apply this logic and you call a Christian or a Catholic ricebag, what you're doing is you're taking that gun and you're turning it on yourself. I'll explain. Okay. Now, sir, just hypothetically, If your Mom left your Dad for a few bags of

rice, who would you ask questions of? Your Mom? Or your Dad? I mean, what kind of an asshole was your father? How was he treating her? What was he saying to her? "No, you can’t eat at the same table as me" "You can't drink the same water as me" "No, you can't enter the temple when you're on your period" I don't know what I - I'm just saying hypothetically. Hypothetically, I'm not saying this has happened. I'm saying hypothetically. How did your Dad treat your Mom? Where all it took for her to leave him was the

promise of Biryani. This guy is so confused right now! He's like, “But my Dad is an asshole" "My Mom should have left him, but she stayed because of me.” This pandemic hit us in waves! It was in waves. I didn't know if we were fighting a disease or whether We were at the beach. Wave one! Wave two! And let's be honest, second wave was scary. Second wave was scary! First wave was nice! We were playing Ludo, we were drinking coffee. We realized the only reason why our relationships lasted this long was because we didn't have

to spend every fucking minute with each other Good times! And then the virus found out where we live! Insane I remember in the peak of the second wave. Right? Like if you were on social media, Instagram, for instance, it was very scary. Instagram looked like a hospital ward. Do you remember that? Every Instagram story was a cry for help. “I need an oxygen cylinder!” “I need an ICU bed” “I need a ventilator” And I'm like, “but you voted for chai!” “Drink it!” And anyone who had any amount of following on social media, right, they were

getting a lot of messages in their DMs asking for help. They were saying stuff like, “Hey, I need such and such thing. Can you please share this with your followers?” Can you please amplify my cry for help?" Now, as somebody who has a little bit of a following on social media, I got these messages too. And like I said earlier, in a difficult time, I'm happy to help out if I can make a difference. But I also have an obligation to my own followers. I can't blindly share anything that comes into my inbox. I have

to verify the information, right? So whenever I receive these messages asking for help saying I need such and such thing, I will reply and ask them, “Who did you vote for?” And if they said, “Not chai", I would share the message. But if they said they voted for chai, I would block them! That seems fair, right? I told my friend I did this and he was like “Bro, this is exactly what the hospitals should’ve done!” He’s like Yeah yeah just think, you have COVID, you go to the hospital, “Yeah, hi I have Covid. I need

an ICU bed” “Who did you vote for?” “Not chai” “Come, come, come! Right this way. We have an ICU bed for you. Come, come! There's air conditioning, there's Netflix, there's Wi-Fi. Come come Acche din idhar hai!” (Good days are here!) "Next!" “Yeah, I have COVID. I need an ICU bed.” "Who did you vote for?" "Chai" “Aap wahan jaaiye” (Please move over there) “Kyun” (Why?) “Kyunki Hospital wahin banega” (Because that's where the Hospital will be built) But the good thing about the second wave is that it finally made us take vaccination seriously. We understood that if

we wanted to get back to a life that's normal and go about and do all the things that we enjoy doing, we have to get the vaccine. All of us wanted the vaccine, But did we get the vaccine when we wanted it? No! We had to wait. Not because there was a shortage. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. We had to wait because they decided to vaccinate old people first. And I was like, "Why the fuck are we vaccinating old people first? They’ve already lived life. What plans do they

have now? Woodstock was a long time ago!" Now I can tell A lot of you enjoyed that joke But you were holding back. Because when I said, "Old people", you started thinking about your parents. Am I right? Which is fair. Which is fair. That's a nice feeling, isn't it? Thinking about your parents. It's a warm, loving feeling It's a very nice place to go. But for a brief moment, I would like to encourage you to take your parents off that pedestal that society has asked you to place them on and look at them as human

beings. Some of who have fucked you up when you were children! Let's open that door! We have to acknowledge a few ugly truths. We have to acknowledge the fact that we were raised by a generation that knew far too little, but pretended to know it all. Am I right? Yeah, we have to acknowledge the trauma that they have caused us. Years of different kinds of abuse that they today pretend never happened! Nothing you did was good enough. They still don't trust you to make your own decisions, and all your success at work counts for jack

shit Because, “Beta (child) you are not married” “Why are you not married Beta (child)?” “Well, because Mum, Dad, I watched the two of you have a go at it and I'm not particularly impressed" And in the event that you do get married, “Where is the baby?” “Where is the baby?” “There is no baby in this house!” “Why is there no baby here?” “Is your penis not working?” And if you do have a baby, “Why does this baby not have a penis?” Now that you’re on my side, Why were we vaccinating old people first? I ask

my friends this question. One of them was like “Dan, I'll tell you why we're vaccinating old people first, okay?” "Because if I step out of the house and I get COVID, I could come back home and pass it onto my parents" And I'm just like, “Bro, you're 35! Why the fuck are you still living with your parents?" "I have to wait for a vaccine because you have no ambition?" All the people who are not laughing at that joke, Guess who they are living with? But thankfully, I did get the vaccine eventually I'm triple vaccinated guys

That’s right. You guys vaccinated as well? Yeah, I got Covishield (Astrazeneca) Anybody else? Covishield? Round of applause, yeah? Covaxin, anybody? Round of applause? Get the fuck out of here! How dare you show your face in public? That seems to be the vibe, isn’t it? That's what I love about this country. We will divide ourselves along any lines. Fuck Hindu-Muslim “Covaxin? Chee” “Kagaz dikhao” (Show me your papers) It’s insane! I had a friend who actually asked me "Dan, would you fuck somebody who took Covaxin?" I'm just like, “What STDs are you trying to avoid my friend?”

"Where are you putting it? In her ears?" Can you imagine to fuck somebody in their ears? Arnab does it every night I’m just saying I’m just saying The nation wants to know. Lockdown was intense, huh? It was. It was crazy. I think it's the most time any of us have ever spent in our own homes. And you couldn't go out. You couldn't do anything you enjoyed, couldn’t meet your friends. You were just stuck with whoever it is you were stuck with, You know? And because we couldn't do anything, we just spent all our time on

the Internet, all of us, we were on the Internet all the time, you know, because we were left to our own devices. Yeah, I know that that joke is popular with people who write "Sapiosexual" in their Tinder bios We were on the Internet all the time. That's what I did as well. And that's when I noticed that we aren't fighting just one pandemic. There are multiple pandemics There’s COVID in the real world, but there's another pandemic in the virtual world. I don't know if you've noticed, guys, but we are in the middle of this pandemic

of positivity and motivation. Have you noticed there's a lot of positivity and motivation on the Internet? So much so that it has now become an industry It has created employment. There are people today who call themselves “Motivational Influencers” These motivational influencers are influencing other people to be better versions of themselves, to help them achieve their own goals in life and become a success. And you've seen these videos, right? And a lot of this advice is very heavy. It's very heavy, it's very deep. And there's this amazing soundtrack. That's what made me realize, you know, if

you're getting advice and there's no soundtrack, that's bad advice. So I would assume that all this knowledge is coming off the back of your own experiences, Mr. Influencer dating decades, where you've overcome your own trials and tribulations climbed some steep mountains to get to where you are? And now all the knowledge and wisdom that you've gained over all these years, you are now sharing with the rest of the world in exchange for views, likes and money. How old are you, Mr. Motivational Influencer? "25" You know, if you ever find yourself standing at the edge of

a cliff and wondering where it all went wrong for us as a society, just remember that we took life advice from fucking 25 year olds! Okay? I watched this video this one time, one of these motivational influencers, and he comes on screen with some nice fancy music and he goes, “Be positive” “No matter what is going on in your life, be positive.” “It will all work out.” And I'm just like, “What about the fact that we live in an unequal and unjust society?” “Shhh” “Be positive.” “You can't make blanket statements like that there are other

things like privilege you need to consider” Not everybody starts at the same point" “Shhh” “Be positive” “Bro, what is wrong with you? People are being persecuted with things that they have no control over, like the color of their skin, the religion that they are born into, or their gender” “Shhh” “Drink “Drink Chai” Now, I got to say this as a smart person, I don't agree with this message. I don't agree when somebody says be positive no matter what is going on in your life, just be positive. It will all work out. I'll tell you why.

Look around you! do that right now. Look at the people around you. Turn to your left. Turn to your right Look at the people you are surrounded by Do it! All of your dreams will not come true. Most of your lives will fall apart. And some of you won't even make it to Christmas! The fact that you are sitting here on a Saturday night enjoying a comedy show like this With everything that's going on in the world today, is evidence that you live a life that's better than 90% of the people on this planet. So

don't be positive. Be grateful. Yeah. What do you know? I'm also a motivational influencer. But I gotta tell you These guys really piss me off, man. I saw this other motivational video. There are two people in this video. Okay? On one side, you have this guy who's a motivational influencer and on the other side you have this girl. She's a beauty influencer. That’s right! That's also a job. Beauty influencer? I know- Like I did not know you could influence the ugliness out of people People at the back are like, “How ugly is that guy?” So

now both these clowns are in this video okay That’s the most respect I can give them. So I'm sorry. And they're dancing. And they're not just dancing to any song. They're dancing to that Bruno Mars song. ‘You're amazing just the way you are’ You guys know what song I'm talking about? And as they’re dancing to this song, there's text splashed across the screen that says “NO MAKEUP” You see what's happening? "You're amazing just the way you are" “No Makeup” Again, bullshit! Look around you. Come on, do it. Turn to your left, turn to your right!

Come on. Look around you. Yeah. Some of you need makeup! You know exactly who you are. You have an obligation to the rest of us to not frighten us in the middle of the day. There is a very good reason why Sephora is such a big brand all over the world. It is because they have understood that it is humanly impossible for us to accept ourselves the way we are, And true happiness only comes from Instagram likes. Yeah. So fuck these guys for saying you’re amazing just the way you are. You're not! You suck! Life

sucks! You'll have a few moments of happiness and then you'll die. Can you believe they're paying me to say all this? This is the best job in the world. Second only to Prime Minister. The internet on most days is a very toxic space. You guys agree? Yeah? But sometimes if your heart is pure, you will find gold on the Internet. And during the pandemic, I found gold on the Internet. and this gold was the social networking sensation that had a meteoric rise and then fucking disappeared. Called 'Clubhouse' You guys remember Clubhouse? That audio-only social networking

app, where everybody was on the phone like, “Hello, excuse me.” “I, I also.... Excuse me... May I?” "May I, I have something I would like to share" "May I, I have something I would like to share." "I want to share my feelings" “Not now, Mom!” “Yeah, just excuse me.” Remember that we were all fucking addicted. Anybody over here fans of clubhouse? Were you guys on clubhouse? Round of Applause! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. Good. In the back. That's nice. Clubhouse is popular with these people because nobody talks to them in real life. It is what it

is because I was on the app for three days and after day three, I was like, "Fuck this shit. I have friends" And for those of you who don't know, it's exactly like Facebook. You can create a profile, you can follow other people. Other people can follow you. The only way to communicate is by creating what is called a virtual room. Anybody can create a virtual room. You can call this room whatever you like, and based on the name you give the room, people can then decide if they want to join the room or not.

Once inside, it kind of looks like this, but in a virtual space. There's a listener section and there's a speaker section, and you have all sorts of conversations happening. It was a lot of fun. I was I was very curious and I was on the app scrolling through all these different rooms. I wanted to see what India was talking about And I stumbled upon a room called “Shoot Your Shot” Yeah, some of you have been there Now. I’ll explain ‘Shoot your shot’ is young-people dating slang for hitting on someone. So when somebody says that they're

shooting their shot, what they mean is that they like somebody, They're hitting on them and they're hoping to get lucky. And there was an entire room on clubhouse just for this. Here’s how it works, okay? If you have a shot that you would like to shoot, join the room. If you are looking for a shot to be shot at you or if you have low standards when it comes to dating, join the room. If you are a comedian looking for material join the room. Once inside the room, you can see everybody who's in there by

their profile pictures and their display name. So you scroll through this interesting human meat menu, and if you see someone you like, you hit a button called ‘Raise Hand’ And then the moderator will pull you up on to the speaker's panel and you just go, "I would like to shoot my shot at so-and-so person" You name the person, they pull that person up as well, and then person A hits on person B in front of everybody. You see what’s happening here? It's a very elite version of walking on the streets of Delhi As I saw

people conversing in this room, I realize that most of these people are all kids who are in college And that's when I realized that as an adult, I've aged a little. I have aged along with my generation because I could not relate to whatever they were saying. You know, “I wanna shoot my shot” I was like, when I was in college, I never said shit like this No! When I was in college and if I liked the girl, I wouldn't I wouldn’t say stupid shit, like, “I'm going to shoot my shot” That's for later. But

it's not how I would begin. You know, I'm old school, ladies. I'm a romantic. I'm a charmer alright? When I was in college and I like the girl, I wouldn’t say shit like, “I'm going to shoot my shot” No! I will do the romantic thing and get a notebook out. Turn to a random page. Write down her name. Then my name Draw a heart around both our names. Close the book, put in my bag, Never tell her how I feel because that is how we were taught to love. Remember that growing up your parents were

always saying “don't talk to people of the opposite gender.” “Suppress your emotions, never express yourself” And look at how well we’re doing with relationships today I was blown away by how nonchalantly they would all come up one after the other and they would be like, “I would like to shoot my shot.” “I would like to shoot my shot.” “I would like to shoot my shot.” And I was just like, “Bro, with my generation, when somebody shoots a shot, we have to reach for tissues!” You dial it back a few decades, There were no tissues! Do

you remember going to your Grandparent's place and wondering why their curtains were so stiff? Sit with that visual for a bit But this doesn't end yet. There's a second part to the shooting of the shot. Once the shooting of the shot is done, the person who shoots the shot has to ask the person who received the shot if they enjoyed the shot That was shot at them. And if the answer is yes then this person has to ask the other for permission to slide into their DMs. That's right. I'll explain. Now, sliding into the DMs

is young people dating slang for shooting your shot, but in private which, if you ask me, is a great place to begin! But there was one guy in this room. There's one guy in the shoot your shot room who stole the show. He blew everybody's mind. He came up and he said, I would like to shoot my shot at so-and-so person. And he named the guy. Another guy comes up. Two men here, right? And then this guy says something that blows everybody's mind. He said, “I'm convinced that we are meant to be together and I

can prove it.” The technology isn't there yet But you could tell everybody was going "oooOOOOOoooOOOooo" And he then goes, I will drop the first line of anxiety I will drop the first line of a Shayari (Poetry) and you will complete it. And this is the first line of the Shayari "Autumn ke baad aati hai thand..." (Autumn is followed by Winter) 3 seconds later, there’s a response from the other side that goes, “Tujhe dekh ke khada hota hai mera lund!” (Looking at you gives me a boner) And I'm guessing that the moderator of this room was

away from his phone and caught only the last part of this interaction because was when he came back He was fucking furious. He was like, “Who's said that? Who said that?" "How dare you use such language in a classy room?” And I knew straightaway this guy was going to grow up to be the Chairman of his housing society. and he then proceeded to boot both these guys off the room. It was insane. There was no sliding into the DMs, nothing! And I honestly felt that was really unfair, It was really unfair, you know, because when

that guy said "Autumn ke baad aati hai thand", the first thought on my mind also was, "Tujhe dekh ke khada hota hai mera lund!" Here’s how truly unfair it is When I said, "Autumn ke baad aati hai thand" the first thought in all of your minds also was "Tujhe dekh ke khada hota hai mera lund!" Not one of you thought, "I want a hot cross bun" No! But no sliding into the DMs I felt really bad for both these guys and now I just imagine them walking down the streets of wherever they live going “Autumn?”

“Autumn?” The whole game has changed. have you noticed the whole dating game has changed? People are now finding love in the DMs? People are hooking up in the DMs, guys. Have you guys looked at your DMs every once in a while? Yeah? That little magical place where complete strangers show up, right? Everyone's looked at their DMs. I've done it too. And then I realised that the DM experience is not the same for everyone. Right? Everybody has a different DM experience. For example, the DM experience for men is very different from the DM experience for women.

Like here’s a DM I actually received okay a few months ago from some girl and she just slid in Into my inbox on Instagram, and she went, “Danny, I was thinking maybe you and I meet and I cook you some Assamese Duck Curry and steal your heart” I was like, “Wow, that’s a player!” I was so impressed! You know what I mean? That's the kind of DMs I was receiving! And here’s most DMs women receive; “Hello, here is picture of my penis” Am I right, ladies? Yeah? And I just found this observation funny, you know?

So I posted a joke exactly as I told you on my Instagram in a pictoral form. It's the same joke. Again people got pissed off! This time I upset somebody from the woke community! Have you met people from the woke community? They are very scary. I get very scared of people from the woke community. To those of you don't know, Woke people are people who will speak to you, when you haven't asked to be spoken to, And they’ll share their feelings with you about something that they're very passionate about and as you're listening to them,

you’re thinking to yourself, “You know, actually, that makes a lot of sense” “I'm kind of on the same side of the argument" "I see your point” But the manner in which they speak to you, the tone, the choice of words, the condescension, the self-righteousness, makes you want to stab a kitten! You know what I’m saying? You guys feel me? Right? Woke people are fucking annoying, dude. Woke people are the vegans of linguistics! Oh, so there's this woke person, right? She she saw this joke with a harmless joke and decided to take a swing at me

in the comments and in typical woke fashion, woke jargons and all of that. And she and she just went... “Hmmm...." “So you're disparaging your own gender just to score brownie points” I was in Goa, a few Fenies down, Wi-Fi was good. I am responding to this I love fucking with woke people because I know exactly what to say. I know exactly the language to use and they can't even tell I'm fucking with them. So I replied to her comment and I said, “Brownie points is offensive to brown people!” “Points should be of all colors!” “Let

us work towards a more inclusive form of online banter” “Check your privilege!” I got to tell you this, okay? If you're ever having an argument with a woke person and you're not sure if you're making a valid point, it doesn't matter. As long as you end the argument with “Check your privilege!”. and then there'll be no response for about 10 minutes because they will check! And here's another thing I've noticed about some of my fans on social media, okay? Some of them are very protective of me. So when they see somebody talking shit to me

online, they feel the need to defend me and they jump in and they start picking fights with those people. Yeah? As a grown man, who can take care of himself, I have to say, I think that's very endearing, keep doing it. So now, as this conversation with this woke girl is playing out, right, there's somebody else, somewhere on this planet who reads all the messages. She starts rolling her sleeves up and she's like, “I'm going to show this bitch what's up!” And she jumps in and she replies to woke girl and she says, “Do you

think Danny really needs to score brownie points?" "Maybe you haven't had to endure the horrific experience of receiving an unsolicited dick pic in your DMs, hence the ignorance!" That’s exactly how she said it. Woke girl replies. She's like, "Yes!" “I've never had to endure the horrific experience of receiving an unsolicited dick pic” I was like, “That's really cool!” That's nice in a way, you know, to be shielded from such horror. In a way you think about it, that's also a privilege Ugly privilege but it counts! Hey, it's a thing! It is what it is, guys!

Well, you know, this is true. There are creeps out there who are going through random women's profiles on Instagram. And when her profile shows up, they're like, "Ehh! Nah..." “I’m not sending her a picture of my dick, no!” “I don’t want my dick lighting up her face at three in the morning!” “Chee! Yuck!” Now that joke divides the room. I agree. One half, where they’re just going, “Yeah it’s a joke, It is funny. Just move on to the next one” and the other half, They're checking their DMs. They’re like, “Not even one?” And while we're

here on this topic, I just want to just quickly talk to the men for a second. Just the guys in here. Men! I just very curious, just want to ask you, Where do you get the confidence to send a picture of your penis to a complete stranger? An Indian penis that too. Why? Why would you send a picture of your penis if the person on the other side has to zoom in to see it? What do you think is happening? What do you think is happening on the other end of this interaction? You think she

picks up a phone and looks at your dick and goes “This is exactly what I was looking for” “Seema aunty, look at this!” “See!” “You said, 'Beta compromise karna padhega' (You'll have to compromise my child) “You only get 60 percent, 70 percent” “Look, look, Seema? Aunty ji, Hundred percent!” “Look, Look at the color! Look at the texture! See... Look at the bend! Look at it bending! It’s pointing towards Bhandup! Look at it, look, look. Look, Seema aunty, look!” “This is the one I want Seema Aunty! This is the one I want. I don't care what

is attached to it. I don't care how it was raised. I don't care how it treats me. This is the penis I want" "I shall call it Bittu!” Now ladies, I've heard this rumor. Correct me if I'm wrong. I've heard this rumor that apparently the P-word that you women are interested in is not 'Penis'. It's 'Personality'. Is that right? I did this joke at another show, some woman at the back was like, “I live in Gurgaon!” “There is no personality here!" "Only penis!” "Send!" If you look at it, the very concept of a dick pic,

The very idea of just taking a picture of your junk and sending it to a complete stranger just seems like something a guy would come up with. You know what I mean? Like women don't do shit like this right? How many of you, guys, how many of you in your have ever received an unsolicited vagina pic? Oh, just me? I'm so sorry. So sorry! So sorry! I didn't. I didn't mean to flex there Or fap or whatever As you can tell, I get misunderstood a lot. That happens to everybody. Sometimes your actions get misconstrued and

people perceive them for what they aren’t and sometimes that hurts my feelings! Here's what happened Okay. These two friends of mine... they're a couple. They were dating, and they went on a holiday to the mountains, okay? A few weeks after a bunch of us had already gone on a holiday to the mountains, which I found a little odd You know? Nevertheless, the first trip that we where we all went together, that was a lot of fun. And it was my first time in the mountains. I was very excited. I grew up in in Bombay and

Goa, never been to the mountains Have you guys been to the mountains? Yeah, Yeah. I must clarify, since you're from Mumbai, Lonavala, Khandala, These are not mountains! Okay? Lonavala and Khandala are the mountains nipples, alright? That's how tiny they are! And what I love about traveling to the mountains in India is how it's never a straightforward journey. You always travel via some city that has nothing to do with the place you're traveling to, you know? So we had to fly from Mumbai to Chandigarh, and then from Chandigarh, we had to take one of those toy

planes? You’ve ever taken one of those toy planes, those ATR aircraft? The ones with the propellers? The ones where you get onto the tarmac and you and you look at the plane and then you look for the guy with the remote control. “How many batteries?” "There's no way there are pilots in there!" "That is not a cockpit. That's just a pit!" "There is no cock in there..." They are these tiny planes... You know one of those planes where once it is in the air and somebody sneezes There’s turbulence? Or if they fart, the plane crashes?

It was one of those flights, you know? And we flew from Chandigarh to Dharamsala on our way to Dharamkot. Now, whenever I travel, I always believe in eating local. I think that's the best way to travel. When you eat local, it's a wonderful way to connect to the place you’re traveling to. You get a sense of what the people are all about. You get to experience their culture. So whenever I travel, I always eat local. So when I was on this trip, I kept telling everybody I want to try authentic mountain cuisine. And our driver

picked us up. I told him, “I want to try some authentic mountain cuisine.” Can you please take us to a nice restaurant? And he's like, “Okay.” And we drive around, you know, for about 15-20 minutes and we get to a restaurant. He parks the car and I'm like, “Okay, let me get us a table.” And I walk inside the restaurant and I'm like, “Hi, I would like a table for five.” And he goes, “Sir, this is the kitchen!” And I’m just like, “Where do your customers sit?” He's like, “Outside!” I'm like, “That's where my car

is!” “There only!” And that's when I realized how beautiful the mountains of India are. You don't have to complete your construction. You want to start a restaurant, build just the kitchen. Where will your customers sit? Outside! Because most of them are these sorry fucks from the city who haven't seen a clear sky in 30 years. Yeah! And they are fucking right! And he set up this table for five out there in the open. It was beautiful. We had these lovely mustard fields in full bloom in front of us, the mountainside and the pine trees behind

us, cold crisp air, clear blue skies - perfect setting for a meal. The waiter shows up like, “What would you like to eat?” And I was like, “I want to try authentic mountain cuisine” “Sir I know just the thing! You must try...” “Rada chicken!” I was like, “What?” He was like, “Yes! Rada Chicken” Mumbai. I know you’re feeling what I felt too! Because the word ‘Rada’ Is ours! It is unique to the city of Mumbai. Nobody uses the word ‘Rada’ the way we do it. In case you missed the memo, the word ‘Rada’ in Mumbai

means “Some shit went down!” So when this guy said 'Rada Chicken', I felt a cosmic connection. I felt the universe was speaking to me. And I was like, “That is the dish I want.” “Get me Rada chicken.” “I want my lunch to have a back story!” And then he got us Rada Chicken. Holy shit, guys, I have to tell you that it was some of the most delicious Chicken I have ever had! The meat on that Chicken was so soft and juicy and tender Every time I took a bite, I was convinced that while this

Chicken was alive, it had manners. This was a polite chicken! This chicken was raised right. Not like the chicken you get in the city. Oh, no, no. You take one bite of the chicken in the city and you know straight away that chicken had abusive parents! Just like some of you. Parents that would say nasty shit to it growing up. “Tera na Omelet banana chahiye tha!” (We should've made an Omelet out of you) And that chicken just goes through life Very sad and alone and depressed and it can't get therapy because therapy is expensive and

also because it's a Chicken! And then a few months later, that chicken ends up on a plate at a restaurant that you're eating at To celebrate that 10% increment you got in your appraisal. Because you think that's going to make a difference in your life. Those of you who did not enjoy that one, you'll have a job someday and around the completion of a year, your employer will dangle a carrot in front of you. If appraisals had a slogan, it would be “Promising present, “Promising present, disappointing future!” That Chicken Oh, my God! It made me

realize something, you know? Everything in the mountains is very different from the city. Just like regular, everyday stuff that you would take for granted in the city. Very different in the mountains. How many of you have been to the mountains? And if you notice, things are very different, especially when it's cold, Like sub-zero temperatures. Holy shit! You have sub-zero temperatures and you go to the mountains everything is different. For example, when you have to use water... You can't just use water! No! You have to have a conversation with yourself. You have to ask yourself important

questions! Questions like, “Does this body part really need washing?” "Is it smelling yet?" "Is it visible to other people?" Regular, everyday stuff is so different. Even sex! How many of you have ever had sex in the mountains? You had sex in the mountains? Is this your boyfriend? You guys know each other? You're not dating, but single. Okay great. Do you have other partners? Oh you’re dating other people. But ya'll are here together? Nice! Now, there might come a time because when you spend time together at a comedy show, if you asked me, I think it's

kind of romantic because I assume you spend so much time with each other. At some point, you all may end up cheating on your partners with each other. And when that happens Do it in the mountains! Go to the mountains in sub-zero temperatures and have sex! Oh man, you’ve got to try this! When you have sex in sub-zero temperatures and you have an orgasm, there’s snowfall! Your entire room turns into a snow globe, filled with your jizzflakes! Or cumflakes, whatever you want to call it! Cumflakes just sounds like something you would eat for breakfast. It's

just like, “What would you like for breakfast?” “I'll have some cumflakes and Oats and Banana!” It's insane. And because it's so cold, some of the crystals, these jizz flake crystals, are really perfectly formed. And if you take them and put them under a microscope and really zoom in, you can see their disappointment in your children's eyes! Amazing! You’ve got to try it man. You fuck her four times you can go skiing off her back! Unless she sneezes, then there'll be an avalanche! So that was our first trip to the mountains. And then a few weeks

later, these two friends of ours, this couple, they went on another holiday to the mountains. And this time they were there for about ten days. And for every day that they were in the mountains, they would post something on Instagram. Yeah, because if you're on a holiday and you're not trying to make everybody else feel like shit, are you really on a holiday? And I noticed they were posting stuff. And one day I realized that it's been 24 hours since either of them have posted on Instagram, Which I found a little strange. So I thought,

you know, let me let me message them. And I dropped them a message that said, “Hey guys, it's been 24 hours since you posted on Instagram. Is everything okay?” Both messages did not get delivered. I said, “Let me try calling them” I made a call, both numbers not reachable. I then decided to post a message in the Friends WhatsApp group. Everybody here part of a Friends WhatsApp group? You know what I'm talking about? Those 8 to 10 people that you really like. But then there's another WhatsApp group... That has only three or four people from

this group. that is the real Friends WhatsApp group. And if you're sitting there going, “What the fuck is he talking about? I don’t know!” That's because you are not in that group. Yeah! So there's this proxy Friends WhatsApp group, the real Friends WhatsApp group, and there's you and your tears. That's the spectrum of friendship, right? So I posted in the proxy Friends WhatsApp group. I said, “Hey guys, it's been 24 hours since either of these two have posted on Instagram. Both numbers are not reachable. Has anyone spoken to them?” A few minutes later, another friend

replied saying, “Yes, I spoke to them last night and they said that they were going on a trek to a place that has minimal connectivity so they will not be reachable for a day or so” I said, "Okay!" A day later they returned, switched their phones on... and read all their messages. The girl, she messaged me privately and she said, “Hey Dan, I think it's really sweet that you were looking out for us while we were on a holiday.” “I really appreciate it. Thank you” And that pissed me off! Because I do not under any

circumstance identify as sweet. I had to clarify that the only reason why I asked, was because I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, and I was hoping to avoid having to identify two highly decomposed bodies. Yeah, that's the kind of friend I am. With you, till the end, from a distance. Anybody over here who's a fan of true crime podcasts? Nice! Nice! A few people... That's really cool. That's cool. Rest of you have obviously at least heard of it? It's a very popular genre, true crime, all over the world. You may have seen

some documentaries on Netflix and stuff like that, but I feel the more authentic way to consume true crime is through audio podcasts. Oh you gotta try that shit. Yeah, and these are episodic, okay? And every episode is an in-depth narration of how somebody was gruesomely murdered and how the police got involved, whether they solved the case or not, what happened to the perpetrators all packed into these episodes. 60 to 90 minutes. And every time I listen to this podcast, for some reason I find them very calming. Do you guys feel the same way? Yeah? I

couldn't understand why at first, but then I kind of start making sense, you know, because these are all true stories and most of the people in these stories, right? They're not career criminals. They're just regular, everyday people like you and I who just made a bad decision. It could be anyone you know. It could be somebody from your family, somebody from the office, you know, somebody who's sitting next to at a comedy show. You never know. what someone is truly capable of, even if you've known them for a long time and you feel safe around

them without your partner. at comedy show. You never really know what someone can do. So I guess what's happening is that as I'm listening to these stories, I am listening to all the horror unfolding in these lives. I'm thinking to myself, “My life is fucked up, but not this fucked up!” And I start feeling better. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm really grateful to all the people who have unknowingly laid down their lives for my mental health. You know what I mean? I mean, think about this. Everybody has to die at some point.

We're all going to die... But how many of us are giving back to society? No one's doing a podcast about somebody who passed away of a heart attack in their sleep. But 69 stab wounds? You fucking legend! But, I have to caution you, if any of you are thinking of trying this, be very careful. True crime is a very dark genre. It's a very dark space. Some of these stories are very disturbing. So ease your way in. Not kidding here. Some of the stories can mess you up. Like this one story, I heard really fucked

with me, man. It was about this retired couple in America alright... One night they went to sleep at about 9 pm. At about 3 am, an intruder broke into their house with an axe in their hand and made their way upstairs to the bedroom where they were sleeping. And then, without any provocation or warning, this person attacked that couple in their sleep with that axe. It was brutal, it was bloody. It was just very, very disturbing. The husband died. The wife miraculously survived. She had to undergo months of reconstructive surgery just to look human again.

It was vicious! The police got involved, they carried out an investigation and a few weeks later they announced that the person who did this was their 21 year old son. And when they revealed this part of the story, I was fucking shook. I was like, “Man, how do three lives intersect in such a tragic manner?” No, I mean, think about it. You meet somebody, you fall in love, you get married, you have a kid, and you do your best, and you try to raise that kid and you hope that this kid will grow up to

be a responsible member of society. But then the very person that you give life to comes back like a thief in the night and takes yours away. It was insane. I was really disturbed. I remember after the episode was done, I took my headphones off, just laid back on my couch, and I was thinking to myself, and I'm just processing this. I'm trying to make sense of it. And I'm just like, you know, “My parents should be fucking grateful!” You know what I mean? If your parents ever give you a shit about anything in the

future, you slide into my DMs okay? And I will send you the link to this episode. And we will take them down together! Just sit them down. You go, “Alright Mom, Just listen to this! Just about a 90 minute episode. Just 90 minutes. Just listen to this and then let me know if me choosing to pursue a career over marriage is a big, fucking deal!” Yeah? Let's do this guys! Let's take what is ours! But man, I was really disturbed! And I have this thing right after I listen to an episode of a true crime

podcast, I Google this. I Google the story to see...and I Googled this story... Holy shit, there are pictures of the crime scene on the Internet. It was it was bad. I was like, "I need a palate cleanser!" I need to just do something different right now... So I went back to Clubhouse and this time I stumbled upon a room called 'Do you like Eating Ass?' Alright, now, Mumbai, I just want to check. How many of you are familiar with the concept of eating ass? Yeah? A few people? Now, if all of you had said, “Yes,

we know what ass eating is Dan” I would have moved on to the next part of the story. But being the consummate professional that I am, I need to make sure that everybody's on the same page and nobody is left out, Which is why now I will proceed to explain in great detail what ass eating is. Take notes huh... Ass eating is a sexual fetish that's been around for a long time. I don't know when it became a rage in India, but it's been around for a while. And if you're looking to spice up your

sex life with your partner or whoever, this is something you could try And here’s one way you can do it. What you could do is you get your partner to lie down in front of you on their stomach, alright? And you get in behind them. Position yourself accordingly. You put one hand on the left butt cheek Put the other hand on the right butt cheek, and then you pull the butt cheeks apart! I call this move, 'The Moses' Everyone with me? Are you visualizing this? It's very important. And when you do this, you will then

reveal your partner's butthole. At this point you can safely say that you have found Nemo. And then you can do whatever you like. You can lick it, you can kiss it, you can bite it... Whatever you want. And there was an entire room on Clubhouse discussing this. Now, I'm just going to be very clear, okay? I’m not trying to shit on these people, no! I'm a very sex positive person. Anything that you want to do with somebody who is consenting and of age, go for it. Knock yourself out. I was thoroughly entertained by all the

stories that came out of this room. But as a comedian, you know that that switch went off, and I started feeling a little conflicted, because on one side I'm thinking, "Oh, this is really cool" "In a country that is so conservative when it comes to talking about sex this is a big deal. So many people on the internet and discussing this openly. I felt very proud. I'm like, “We've come a long way. This is really cool” But then there was this other side of me. That was thinking, “You know, a few decades ago, somebody actually

went, 'Hey! What do you think would happen if we connected all the computers on the planet?' 'We can give it a cool name, something like the World Wide Web' 'You know...' 'Think of the progress we will make as a species' 'Think of the evolution we will experience in science and medicine...' '...in social and cultural and political discourse' Cut to 2021: “Tereko gaand chaatna pasand hai?” (Do you like eating ass?) “Tu chaatta hai?" (Do you eat ass?) "Mai bhi chaatta hai" (I eat ass too) "Kab chata? Kaise chata?" (When did you eat? How did you eat?)

"Swadisht tha?" (Was it tasty?) It was so much fun. I was so entertained. But I was still new to the app. There was a couple of things I didn't know. For instance, next to every room on clubhouse, there's a counter that tells you how many people are in that room. And in most rooms on a good night, it would have been like 80 to 100 people. But in this room, called 'Do you like eating Ass?' There were 3,000 people! It was insane. I was like, "Holy shit! 3,000 people!" That is not a room. That is

a vaccination centre! “Sab ko lagao” (Give everyone a dose!) Another thing I did not know was that when you join a room on Clubhouse, all the people who follow you can see that you're in that room. So all the people who follow me are scrolling through Clubhouse. They see a room called ‘Do you like eating Ass?’ Daniel Fernandes! is in here My notifications started blowing up! People are sliding into my DMs. They're like, “Hey, Dan, why don't you share an ass eating story?” Come on Dan, “Tell us an ass eating story” One after the other...

And I was like, "No!" Look, I appreciate this relationship we have as artists to fan. I like that. I appreciate it. But you got to agree when I say that there has to be some boundaries There are some things that I'm allowed to keep to myself. I'm not going to share an ass eating story unless I’m getting paid to do it! So guess who's getting lucky tonight? All right! Here’s my ass eating story... So this was October 2016. It was one of those 3 am hookups. Ever done a 3 am hookup? You know, one of

those hookup where it's too late to go to sleep or too early to go for a jog? But you still have energy. So, what do you do right? Booty Call! So I had this girl come over to my apartment and we are both butt-naked in the living room... I'm sitting the couch. She's on her knees on the floor... Yeah she knows her place! Hey! Hey! Come on! I'll have you know that she likes that position. It's one of her favorites okay? She exercised her agency as a free, independent woman. So don't get mad at me

just because you want to feel good about being a feminist. Yeah! Go home and think about it. You’ll get it. So anyway, I’m on the couch, she's going down on me right, now... Guys, have you ever received a blowjob, where As she's going down on you, you're thinking yourself "Damn, this girl is hungry!" "She came here to eat!" You know what I'm talking about bro? Yeah? Yeah... I was getting one of those blowjobs. Basically, what I'm trying to say is this blowjob was very intense! This blowjob was so intense, I couldn't tell if it was

going to end in an orgasm or an episode of a true crime podcast! It was crazy. And then at one point she did that move. Ladies, you know that move that you do when you're going down on a guy and as you're going down on him, you make eye contact? You know what I'm talking about. Look at you. Look into my eyes when we discuss this. You know what I’m talking about? That move? You just look at me, I'm looking at you right? I have to tell you, we love that move, right guys? We love

that move. Oh! That move is... DESSERT! If you think about it, it's kind of romantic, isn't it? It's like. It's like you're having a conversation with each other through the eyes. Because she can’t talk! Her mouth is full. So we had one of those moments, right? Where she looked at me as if to suggest... "It’s about to get NASTY!!!" And before I could even process or react to what just happened, she did the Moses and she went in! And she just started eating my ass! Guys she ate my ass like she was at a buffet

that was about to shut. It was crazy! It was wild! At one point she actually looked up at me and went... "THIS...IS...SPARTA!!!" and I didn't know how to react, so I just went... "AHOO...AHOO...AHOO!!!" As graphic as that story was, guys, I have to be really honest and admit It felt amazing! Oh my God, you have to try this. It was so good. It felt so good. Like while she was eating my ass for a brief moment I was convinced I had a clit! After she left, I was like, "What is going on down here?" "Is

this my G-spot?" You know the hardest part of the pandemic... Look at all of you. You're just like... Come on! Let's move on. I have more jokes, guys. All of you are just like The hardest part of the pandemic was the uncertainty. You know what I mean? Like, you didn't know when it was going to end. You didn't know how long this whole thing was going to last. Is it three months, six months, three years? You didn't know! And for some reason, all of us naively believed that the pandemic had ended on 31st December 2020.

You remember that? All of us thought "Yeah it's the end of the year! The year has ended. We'll have some new problems next year" And we all went crazy. I had a great time. I was in Goa with my friends. We had a great party. I was so excited for 2021 and on the first day Of 2021, Munawar Faruqui got arrested. The first day of the year, comedy got into trouble. He was arrested for a joke he did not tell, put in prison for over a month just to make a point. It was crazy. And

as a community we are still relatively small, you know? So when something like this happens, it kind of hits close to home. It feels a little personal, like "Holy shit! This could happen to me as well!" It was a very difficult time for all of us, whether you knew Munawar or not. It was a difficult time. After the point was made, he was released and I met him, at a club, and I gave him a hug and I was like, "You know I hope you're doing okay bro!" And he said, "I'll get there..." And then

I remember I looked at him and I said, "Munawar... this is a good thing that has happened to you!" And he's just like, "What?" And I was like, "Yeah! Be positive man!" "No matter what is going on in your life, just be positive!" "It will all work out!" And it did! He's fucking killing it right now. I'm so proud of everything this boy has achieved. And I stand by what I said. It was a good thing this happened to him Because as of today, Munawar Faruqui is the only comedian/ rapper in India who has legit

street cred. You know what I mean? Yeah! This guy is gangster! Not like the other rappers - Mira Road gangster! Proper... proper... Not Bantai gangster! Proper Gangster! If you looked up the hip-hop scene, even the comedy in America when it started out, this is what it was, you know, speaking truth to power, sticking it to the Government! Going to prison, getting shot. He's done most of those things! Munawar is so gangster today... That when he takes a shower and he drops the soap... He picks it up! You know how gangster that is? Now, for those

of you got that joke, I would like to commend your knowledge of prison etiquette Well done! Those of you who did not get that joke, I just want to caution you alright... I want to caution you that if you ever go to prison, you're taking a shower and you drop the soap, DO NOT pick up the soap! No! Because if you bend over to pick up the soap, Somebody might give you conditioner. That'swhat's happening to us in the comedy scene today. All of us are just one joke away from getting into some serious fucking trouble.

And I thought I was in trouble, too, because a few weeks after this Munawar thing happened, I released a standup video on my YouTube channel about Sushant Singh Rajput. Did you guys watch that video? Audience: "Yes!" Did you like the video? Audience: "Yes!" A lot of people hated it. How do I know? They told me all 38,000 of them. Thirty Eight Thousand people told me across the span of an entire week how they hated that video. They told me through very creative ways; Death threats, rape threats. Yeah, look at this. Threats of other acts of

violence for an entire week. And then on Monday, there was nothing. I don't know if they had homework or what... I don't know. But if you watch the video, you will see that there isn't a single joke about Sushant in that video. All the jokes were about the people who took advantage of his death for their own gain. But sadly, we live in a world where people have access to the internet, but not an education. I was attacked by a very unique Indian community they're a community that calls themselves SSRians. Have you heard of these

people? Audience: "Yes..." Have you heard of these Wi-Fi warriors? And you know what I found funny? I found it really strange, rather, that I don't recall hearing about these SSRians while Sushant was alive. Do you? Audience: "No" I don't. I don't remember. There was a time in Sushant's career where he was literally pleading with fans on social media to buy tickets to watch his movies so he could continue having a career in Bollywood. That would have been a good time for these guys to go “Hey Sushant! SSRians here. We got you bro!” I'm just saying,

you know, maybe if these SSRians and made themselves known while Sushant was alive, maybe he would still be alive. Or... Maybe Sushant being the brilliant man that he was understood the IQ of his fans And then took the drastic step... of acting in That movie 'Drive' produced by Karan Johar. Gotcha bitch! Your assholes were clenched! But I got to get serious with you for a second, okay? It is not psychologically normal for a single person to be at the receiving end of so much hate and abuse. Think about this. You have a confrontation with somebody

you know and it ruins your day or your week 38,000 people attacking you so viciously is not normal. So obviously, people who know me, my friends, they know I have severe anxiety and they are very concerned. And they were reaching out to me. They were messaging me saying, "Hey, Dan, we’re seeing the things that people are saying about this video and about you... We hope you’re doing okay!" And I'll be really honest, Mumbai, I was not okay. It was a very difficult time for me. And and the thing that hurt my feelings the most as

I read all these vile and and vicious messages was the spelling! It was fucking atrocious! It felt like these guys were trying to form full sentences, but then half the letters in their vocabulary died of COVID And the other half took Covaxin. Now I know woke people are going to get annoyed again. And be like, "Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan..." "Daniel" "It is elitist to make fun of people’s spelling when they are trying to communicate with you!" to which I say, "Yeah, I agree and fuck you!" bring me that kitten Where is the fucking kitten?

But I agree okay? It is a bit of a dick move It is bit of a dick move to make fun of somebody's spelling if they're trying to communicate with you. I'm on board with that, but if the person trying to communicate with you is threatening you with death, rape and other acts of violence, I think it's okay to make fun of their spelling. You guys agree? Audience: "Yeah..." Awesome! Can someone please explain to me what the fuck is a "chip comedian"? C-H-I-P "You are chip comedian" And I was like, "Uncle or Lays?" One guy

actually wrote to me. He was like, "How would you feel if after you died, people made fun of you?" You know... Over the last 11 years of my career, I've often indulged and taken on a troll on the Internet, but mostly for my own amusement. Never once have I ever had to explain the concept of death, until now. I reply to this guy and I'm like, "Dear Sir, After you die, you don't feel!" "That is the whole fucking point Of dying; to stop feeling!" "Death is a permanent vacation I look forward to!" "If I die

and I still feel... I want a refund!" "Check your privilege!" But I have to hand it to these guys because they tried their best to get under my skin. They tried to mess with me real bad. They tried. Here's another thing they did. They took my face and they morphed it onto women’s bodies. Not just any women. Women who are dancing in item numbers. You see what's happening? My face on women's bodies. All these women are dancing in item numbers. I'm like, “How is this supposed to piss me off?” I had to think about it

for a while and then I figured it out. You know, in their world, in the world of these people who call themselves fans of this great actor, in their world, women are considered inferior. So they thought that by putting my face on a woman's body, I would feel insulted. But these guys clearly underestimated how much of an asshole I truly am because I took all those pictures And videos and I shared them with all my friends and I was like, "Bro, I'm hot as a guy AND a woman?" What? Winning!!! So yeah, that is where

we are... Just a joke away, just a joke away from pissing somebody off. And usually it's always a joke about religion. So that's a scary fucking part. Like every time somebody says something about religion, people get angry. Like couple of years ago. There's another comedian got into some trouble because of religious reference in her material. And the mob went crazy. They were like, "They're all like this!" "The Indian comedy scene is Hinduphobic!" And I'm like, "Uh-No, we're not!" We’re not some organized unit that selectively targets people of a specific religion. If we were, we would

stand a chance at winning a general election. We would've had Prime Minister Kunal Kamra, you don't know! You don't know! I honestly don't understand. I do not understand why people get so upset over jokes about religion. You know, I would have to assume for you to get so angry. You are obtaining something of tangible value from this religion, Something that is directly benefiting your life. Let me give you an analogy, okay? I have four cats. and all four of these cats depend on me for everything that is vital to their happiness and existence. 1. Food,

2. Shelter, 3. Wi-Fi How do you think there's so many cat videos on the internet? And I deliver. You can ask my cats. They have a very good life. So I think it would be safe for me to assume that to these cats, I'm their God. That makes sense? Audience: "Yeah" Now, think about your religion. Whatever it is, it's a personal choice. Think about it. Think about the God that you worship, the one that you pray to. Think about all the things that you ask of this God for your life. and then think about how

your life is going. Think think think think... Your career: how’s that going? Your finances: how’s that going? Your love life: how’s that going? See, I'm not saying God doesn't exist. I'm just saying maybe he's not that into you. So chill the fuck out! I mean, think about this. There are 8 billion people on this planet. God cannot answer everybody's prayers. Which is why he picks his favorites, gives them whatever they want, and they go on to do amazing things like buy Twitter and run it to the ground. The hate is becoming predictable, now. I'll be

really honest. When we drop a video on the Internet and we know if there's a religious reference, we know some hate is coming our way. We know exactly what the comments are going to be. It's going to be, "Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate..." And then one guy will go "If you have guts... do a joke about that religion" Now, that's not exactly what he said, but that's what my lawyer said to say on stage something called plausible deniability. So you guys understand which religion this guy was referring to? Yeah. In case you’re still confused, it’s

the one the Government doesn’t like. Let's cover all our asses tonight, guys. So this guy went, "If you have guts, do a joke about that religion and see what happens" Now I'll be really honest. I don't have the guts to do a joke about that religion. That's the bad news. The good news is you don't need guts to do a joke. You just need skill. Something that I have proven repeatedly over the last 11 years, that I have in plenty. Which is why now, just to prove this guy wrong, I will do a joke about

that religion. and walk out with my head intact! Now before I do this joke, I have to preface it by saying that this is the cleverest joke about that religion that you will ever hear. That's how good I am. This joke about that religion is so clever that you will interpret it differently. All of you will take something different away from it. You will discuss this joke on your way home. You'll be like, "What do you think he meant by that joke?" "No! I'm not going to eat your ass" "He was just messing around" "I

still love my boyfriend, for fuck's sake. No!" "We're never stepping out together again" Alright, you guys ready? Come closer. Jesus, Buddha, and _________ walk into a bar! Jesus, Buddha, and _________ walk into a bar The bartender looks at them and goes, “What can I get you two gentlemen?” Was I right? Or was I right? You understood the joke. You just don't know what you understood. You're like, "I need to discuss this!" "I need to talk to somebody" *Mimics whispering* You're just like, "What do you think? What do you think he meant?" "Do you think he

meant that because nobody has ever seen _________ The bartender couldn't see him either?" "Is that why he said, 'Two gentlemen'?" "Do you think that because Jesus and Buddha were considered mortal and ________ is a God hence the term gentleman would be applicable only to those two?" "Do you think that given the political climate in the country, The bartender was afraid to address the ____________ in the group?" "Is this joke a metaphor for how the Government wants people from that religion to feel?" "Invisible!" "Has Danny driven home the point that this joke is very layered, it

can mean many things, and if you actually think about it, it's kind of pro that religion. So there's no need to behead him for it!" "Do you think he can hit us with one more clever punch line?" In case you were wondering, Jesus asked for a glass of water. Thank you so much Mumbai! You guys have been fantastic! Thank you so much! Thank you Thank you My name is Daniel Fernandes