um you have to understand this there's some things that will not change there are some things that cannot and will not change no matter the amount of therapy or help the person has it's who the person is and the problem with most people who are in an abusive relationship the problem is Hope [Music] and so today we're going to be talking about how to understand and heal from emotional abuse um and I'm going to start with this opening statement here and we can go from there according to do Patricia Evans author of The verbally abusive
relationship emotional abuse is a pattern of control and manipulation that um precisely that's precisely what we'll be exploring today and we'll be breaking down how to recognize abuse how to identify warning signs and uh combat gaslighting that's a word that's being in Vogue in this last days a lot of Po people talking about gaslighting what does that mean and so let me start with uh this uh sentence here many people struggle to identify emotional abuse do you know anybody that you know currently is going through emotional abuse does it come to your mind a friend
family member somebody that's being uh in a relationship where they are belittled they're never right doesn't matter what they do it seems that they're walking in eggshells oh absolutely especially with my landine of work right I like my financial therapist and I do traing farm financial literacy so I'm every day talking to individuals that have been experiencing some sort of trauma and abuse and when it comes to relationships is overwhelmingly interesting to see that it doesn't matter the level of income uh either talking to a client that is on social assistance or with a client
that is making a million dollar a month like that it's all across the board but very often individuals they talk about the abuse on the gender base which is like related to women usually but there are also a lot of men that are suffering abuse and this is a subject that I find from my perspective my professional daily dealings that is beled right like when it comes to man there's not a lot of conversations about that's right I think I think you're right on the money I think men are built to be strong and just
to um go through it and plow through it and a lot of times uh guys they do their n to5 they're wake you know waking up early leaving before the kids are awake and they're going to their jobs and they they just plow through it and uh they bury their their emotions and uh they come home and I don't think it's uh enough there's I don't think there's enough information out there uh for men who suffer emotional abuse yeah uh most of the time uh women is the focus and um I think we should help
women of course definitely um but I don't think abuse sees gender I agree abuse doesn't care if you're a man or or or a woman they they you know if you are under abuse um you should seek help yeah now uh I talked to a lot of people people who are locked in the situation because usually the person who who um is the abuser the the person who will emotionally abuse you they usually have a lot of mental power they have a lot of manipulations uh manipulative skills and they will cut you off and usually
they will make all the money and you'll stay home uh you know and like I said it abuses gender blind um but there are a lot of cases of uh women especially that will stay home and they will not have a job they'll have kids they get pregnant and now they have to take care of the kids and the abusive husband is say now you stay home I'll go work I'll go to work and I'll provide but then 10 years go by 10 years go by and now this person realizes I have been all this
time in an abusive relationship now I have no career I have no job I have no experience I'm you know this you know this old and how can I suddenly break free from this yes and the person doesn't see a light um on the other end of the tunnel and uh this is very real I was talking to somebody recently that was exactly in that situation 50 years old lady in an abusive relationship all her life all she did was to be a housewife now she realizes okay I don't want this anymore but what do
I do cuz I don't have any money I have 50 years old and I have a profession all I did was raise my kids now now the kids are gone empty nest it's me and my abusive husband and what I do so my advice to her was listen the first thing you have to do is to be financially independent and you are a finance guy you're involved with investment you're involved with you're very smart with that you know um and you're very knowledgeable in how uh to um build wealth and so let me ask you
this what would your what would your advice be to somebody in that situation that they don't have a profession haven't worked they were just home and and again doesn't matter the gender maybe was the guy who stayed home as a stayhome parent his wife went to climb the corporate leather and now he finds himself old without experience without career is there a way out of this yes now it's important to say that even though when it comes to trauma and the abuse is genderless yeah but how this system is designed to support this completely different
conversation right so in the example that you gave me if it's a woman that is going through this there's so many resources a agencies nonprofit agencies that are designed to support women because historically speaking women they suffer more abused than men right so in this situation if I'm talking to this lady the very first thing I would give her a list of few agencies that are designed to support women one for example there's the Canadian Center for women empowerment is an agency that is designed is one of the most important in Canada today that supports
women across uh like is across the country and then have a this is one that I know uh close because I do I did some work with them um and then they will give the resources and they have access to lawyers now there are some professionals that are dealing because when it comes to the the emotional abuse you also have the economic abuse yes these women they have no credit exactly they have no bank accounts or credit card like everything's been destroyed so then what and there are programs being designed with banks asan to support
this women to start over another thing that is very important for us to consider is that like we said before um it's not only women there's some guys out there who are struggling in an abusive relationship I don't think um people talk enough about that and I have clients have people that contact me through my website and uh some men that are in abusive relationships and they don't know I mean these are carpenters they're workers they're going out there doing their best and when they get home home tired from work uh instead of finding a
nurturing peaceful home uh they're finding a nagging wife an abusive wife uh there are there are men suffering emotional abuse yes we don't hear much enough I think about that in a certain way I think men are also ashamed of saying I'm feeling I'm suffering emotional abuse from My Wife and uh I I read somewhere that 70% of the divorces are initiated by women and um usually after uh the 40s when women they turn you know after their biological clock is you know over and they already had kids and they start not to to find
um what they wanted in their partner anymore and they say okay I'm not happy I'm not happy anymore and you know we we both know you've been in uh through that situation what what did you learn uh as somebody who just went through a divorce what did you learn what are some valuable lessons I believe there are lessons in everything yes and every every everything we go through life is is a lesson we can learn from it or we can hurt from it yes and I think you are doing amazing at learning growing expanding uh
turning what could hurt you into something that can be a tool to expand you and what advice would you give to um guys out there who are struggling in this situation well this is very very very interesting uh because again uh from my my perspective uh I always try so there's one example that people say that analogy oh this cup you put a cup of glass like a glass of water half water and people like oh is half empty or half full yeah right and that's that the narrative and there's that the guy that comes
while those two are discussing they're going to get the glass of water and drink that's the opportunistic meaning right how can we turn the pain into Victory or turn the pain into profits or gain whatever you want to call in my perspective when I am analyzing the situation even my personal experience yeah say okay I can't change the past M no matter what I say the past is done right now can I change my future so how I behave today will have a direct impact on how my future will be that are things that are
be under our control right we don't know uh and what I've learned is that people can recognize the science earlier I wish I had somebody I us I had a Sandro telling me hey Sandro watch the signs because the signs things are not great we end in divorce right I didn't have that awareness so then I wrote a book caught by surprise caught by surprise which is my book that is coming out and I named the book uh you will be dumped you just don't know yet you will be dumped just don't know yet the
seven signs that shows why your relationship will end wow so people can either prevent act yeah or just an okay that's very interesting so give us some signs uh you said Seven Signs just give give us a few that uh people are having at this moment and they can relate to that okay so uh one of the interesting signs right is the hard truth that no one is telling you and again I can go over here one of the signs that I would say is that when you have a misalignment in terms of priorities and
very often couple they grow apart yeah but you're so busy and that's literally what happened to me was so busy with work and let's go and make money and all of this and all my wife she wanted was a present husband to pay attention is also misalignment in love language yeah what is our love language right I'm a practical guy but hey for the wife she wants quality time right and you don't just don't think about and then ears goes by as you mentioned you the kids are grown and now you look to each other
and are too strange and like who are you I don't know and ends this one of them wake up before it's too late the shocking reality again in North America one in every two couples will end in divorce only 25% of separate couples will ever reconcile come on it's a tough love reminder relationship will not survive an autopilot okay like I understand what you're saying but listen here's this picture of this guy who was who is working hard like I said this is one example right he's working hard he goes home before the kids are
up he's he's he's out like 4 in the morning he's going to Tim Hortons to get his cup of coffee he's going to go to work he works hard every day he gets home he's exhausted he he's fought a battle right like in the past men would go to war women would stay home with the kids it's kind of the same thing they're not going to war in the sense of you know fighting other people but they are they are going to work they're struggling they're you know they're having a lot of emotional stress as
well with bosses with co-workers um and other people that they have to deal with people they have to see whether they like it or not yeah you can't choose who you interact with like you go to work you can't choose who's going to be there so there's the the guy you don't like you have to be there um that there are four men that is you know on your heels anyways the guy comes home he's exhausted he's physically emotionally mentally exhausted all he wants is to take a bath and maybe have you know a meal
and rest maybe uh flicks through some channels on TV watch you know watch the game have a beer and go to sleep but it can't cuz now he want he has a wife who demands his attention Okay uh and now you have his kids you know have the kids that he demands attention I think the world doesn't understand how hard it is to be a man there's a lot out there talking about how hard it is to be a woman there's a lot out there and and uh like you said um um Oregon ations and
a lot of support even laws that benefit women and that's all good you know I think they are amazing important now I think it's time for us to start to look at at at the man as well in our society because we we have been tough for so long that people didn't think we need any help but the truth is we may be physically tough but we are emotionally as fragile as women are we just don't show it yeah and so more and more these men are starting to say hey I'm I'm suffering emotional abuse
here um I understand you have needs I came home from work and you want my attention but do you understand that I went through a lot today and all I need right now is a nurturing um loving um environment a loving wife nurturing wife and and yes I want to spend time with my kids but I'm I'm done I'm exhausted so maybe we can do a little bit and then you can put them to bed so we can have a little bit of time together and then I'm done and I don't think that's mentioned enough
and well I agree I agree uh and it's interesting that I interact with a good friend of mine who also been through a challenging time and I was having a conversation with him and comparing how CU I personally people say s you need life work balance and it's like what are you talking about because what I do it doesn't feel like work so for me I don't I'm on if I wake up 6:00 in the morning I'm already think about before going to sleep I'm it's one thing I for for me like personal life and
my work life is one thing MH but for most individuals it's like dude you got to separate now what happened to my friend and myself and this like my personal experience what changed because he was able to spot the the issue early on he said I would come home from a lot of meetings and I would say okay just give me 10 minutes just that I got home and I give you half an hour one hour of my time and literally would come home get his first 10 minutes turn his phone off everything and just
listen his wife for half an hour an hour mhm and then okay now I have things to do I never done that I was like I was continuing right so I do agree that men has that need but we don't talk enough like we are so closed off in our own even in a friend like I have some guy friends that I close friends right and when they ask me how are you doing you know I'm hanging there no that's another thing too we don't have friends that's you know I don't know what happens with
us man but and I don't know how it is for women I think women have more quantity in in terms of I have lots of friends but uh not really deep yeah you know it's not a kind of friend that you would tell secrets um you talk about school you talk about kids you talk about a lot of things with women they have more like this broad uh you know more they're more connective right but it's not very deep now with us we have less you know maybe we have one or two friends but then
it's the kind of a guy that we can tell everything like it goes deep right um at least that's my experience and for a lot of the people that I talk to uh guys have less friends but they they like usually handpicked they want to you know uh be friends with that one guy that he can call three in the morning you know like that you know famous movie that the guy calls the other you know calls his friend 3 in the morning and says we're going to go somewhere we're going to hurt some people
and uh I don't want to ever talk about it and the other guy only says um who's are we driving I need your help I can't tell you what it is you can never ask me about it later and we're going to hurt some people whose guy are we going to take that's the kind of friend that we want we want friends that we can like be brothers right but they are ra very rare very rare very hard to find and the older we get the more betrayed we are the less We Trust yes and
the harder it is to have a friend yeah so if you're like you know uh 30 40 50 years old and you you have one friend like that that you can call 3 in the morning count with that guy's going to be at your door to do whatever it is that you need to do consider yourself blessed oh man because it's it's it's rare for us and we don't like to open up I mean through this whole process that you're going through how many people how many guys did you actually sit down and truly and
deeply opened up and the real reality is none because the conversation goes to a certain point and you hold back oh no no I can say this and of course you're looking for validation so at the moment that you talk to someone that you start confronting you it's like I don't want to talk to this guy anymore because you want to be validated yes somebody be on your corner yeah you're right and you're working hard and she's not recognizing and the conversation but then when I was doing the research for the book I'm like oh
my goodness I ah like this thing here and again I can't change the past now how you do the future exactly no that's you just tackled a very important issue there that I want to talk more about um we can't change the past and to dwell in it is going to kill you yeah and I see and I talk to a lot of clients a lot of people um through counseling that they want to be talking about the past if I had done this if I had done that uh I could have I should have
I would have and I keep telling them listen this is going to kill you because that's the the the basis of depression you know because you you keep feeding your brain with things he can not bring a solution to if you if you bring a problem to your brain right now that he can solve you know all your mental power is going to come into solving that now you give your brain something about the past that's going to cause depression that's going to cause this anxiety because your brain can't fix the past so dwelling in
the past doesn't help you at all so I I'll just tell people listen I understand understand you would like to go through and find out what you should have done differently but listen that's not going to change anything think about what you can change now what changes can you make now in you and not in other people because it's very there's always those people wanting to change somebody else the only people we can truly change is us that's another thing there's people stuck in relationships with partners and the they they believe you know he's going
to get better or she's going to get better and uh you know they keep leaving and 10 years go by and 20 years go by and that person is not going to change because the truth of the matter is you can only change yourself yeah so uh you know I I I keep telling people stop trying to change your partner because it's not your job to change your partner your job is to change you you become a better person in every area that you can master and um the only thing you can do is Inspire
your partner but you can't truly change them and I see a lot of people um spending 10 years 20 years 30 years trying to change their partner and listen it's never going to happen you can't change anybody else the only person who can change is you and this whole process that we we go through called life the only true changes we can make are in here yes internal changes and yes we can learn with the past but we shouldn't be abiding in the past because that's only going to keep them you know depressed and sad
the last thing you want to do if you are in an abusive relationship is come to your partner and say I'm leaving that's the last thing you do it's when you have everything else done you've already talked to somebody you found a counselor found found help um and you looked for strategies and especially Financial strategies and that's where you know Sandro uh I want to ask your your advice here what what would you say to somebody like is there hope how can they make money um a lot of people think they that they have to
get a job for example and then they'll say I can't get a job because I don't have any experience so how can this person Break Free financially what can they do with very little or no money to start making money what would you your advice be to somebody who's now completely dependent on the Abus of person yeah but they can't be if they going to break free the first thing they need is money they need a car they need a way out that's a very that's wow that's a very good question uh especially because you
know the problem is most people they fail to notice the signs and either because they're distracted by the everyday life challenges or they are too afraid to confront the possibility that something might be wrong but we are living unprecedented times right now if anyone has a phone and they're social media some sorts and they're not making money they are the product what I'm trying to say is there's absolutely no reason why someone cannot find creative ways but Sandra that's easier said than done and I do agree because the very first thing is and I even
created a methodology called Roots methodology which is like you got to recognize that you have an issue then you have to own it right once you own it okay I have an issue and this is the issue now I have to overcome and then go to a transformational cycle to then sustain now I'm going to give an example I have a good friend that is a piano player and teaches piano in school like yeah but I can only get some students but there's a whole mindset shift that needs to happen because that uh lady she
can go to companies for example they host events she can go to embassies uh especially if they're in an area there's a lot of embassies or government agencies like hey I'm going to offer my services and then you go once and twice and now you amplify our possibilities oh I have my kids at home well um and especially about women right CU you women in the example that he used they been home taking care of the kids they don't know anything they lost their careers what can they do you can become a virtual assistant you
can get the jobs and you can even do some online courses that you allow you to get uh bookkeeping for example there's such a need a secretary draft contracts medical there's so many opportunities so if I'm giving advice for somebody today the very first thing we will start you got to acknowledge that you need to change your mindset right because the easy way and that's my personal challenge when it comes to how the social services they work they always giving the fish and giving the fish well teach you how to cat the fish never teach
you how about and there's a lot of ways on how to learn how to call the Fish so then you start the healing process there yeah another thing that is very important as well Sandra and I think you agree with me with this is that who you walk with and and we talked about frequencies you are a musician as well and I showed you that this this guy with this video they put five metronom together in different frequencies right different uh cas es rhythms and it didn't take much under a minute and they were all
moving with the same Cadence the same rhythm who you walk with who you talk to is going to deeply influence who you become who you are and so so I think it's very very important uh surrounding ourselves with successful people right cuz if I want to break break through and break free I need to walk with people that have uh accomplished what I want to accomplish but if I just walk with people who are going through the problem that I'm going through we are not going to help each other so how can somebody um Embrace
that truth okay I need you find people that will pull me up in instead of bringing me down I love again another great question because it comes to the fact that you're looking for validation right so then if I am going through certain things I'm going to try to and I I'm testing the waters I'm going to talk to this friend and oh no I no and then I found a group that will give me the validation so that's like I found my tribe but somebody sent me a very interesting video and say be the
fourth if you hang with three idiots you'll be the fourth if you hang with three great minded people you be the fourth if you hang oh I see right and and that's the truth it's the same concept become the person you walk with absolutely yes but then if my environment and that's okay for some individuals that's like hey I don't want to change that this is my reality like I I don't want that's what I want for my life which is okay yeah but then when you're going through abuse when you're going through trauma is
really looking for resources that are available that you can get professional help because then you're going to now have have a unbiased opinion so help you to think clearly cuz again if I'm looking for validation and hey SRA but I don't have the financial means well there are churches that they have free resources I know you have uh counselors that they offer proone services and have the conversations we can no I don't want to talk to go online go to chat DPT say this is what I'm experiencing can you show me the sign wow I
think the first step is awareness first step is realizing okay I am going through this I have to embrace the fact that I'm going through this um stop trying to pretend everything is fine you know and one of the things that people that uh practice emotional abuse do to their victims is it's called Uh crumbs right theologist we call it crumbs that means that they will be mean they'll be bad and then suddenly they're nice right so they throw you crumbs of love and then one day or two they'll be fantastic and what that does
is that the victim will think oh oh so there is hope this person who's emotionally abusing me can be amazing and then suddenly they have this amazing night you know sex is great and again it's a crumb right and they think oh you know maybe it can be it can be like this every day so the person and it's usually an empath a person who's empathic um it's and hopeful will believe okay so there's there there's a solution there's um there's hope here I'm going to linger on and then a year goes by two years
and five and 10 turn turn to 20 and then finally this person looks back and realizes you know this person is not going to change so the best thing and I I was talking to a client yesterday on the phone um and I said you know he needed help for his daughter he's convinced that his son-in-law is narcissistic and I said well the best thing that can happen is like listen your daughter is not going to listen to you or to me or to anybody else the Revelation cannot come from outside sources it has to
come from the inside the victim of emotional abuse has to understand okay first of all I am being abused emotionally right um if if you say something if you share a feeling you are upset about something and the person your partner takes that and turns around against you and now makes you doubt your feelings that is emotional abuse that's what gaslighting is you come you come to me like you know you come to your partner you say list listen you did this Behavior a b or c and that caused me you know pain emotional distress
I didn't like it and then in a normal person an empathic person uh who had a good normal childhood and felt loved as they developed they will feel empathy for you they don't want to cause suffering to anybody right and they'll say I'm sorry that my behavior made you feel that way what can I do to change that's not a natural uh normal response from a emotional emotionally healthy person now an abusive person would say what are you talking about I didn't do that and how how dare you say this and they throw it back
at you so first sign that you are in abusive relationship they don't recognize their mistakes second sign they throw it back at you and make you feel bad for the thing you complained about and then that happens for so long at some point the person starts to lose themselves they don't know who they are anymore they feel guilty all the time they feel like they're walking on eggshells or as they call it it's a mindfield you know when it's you know when the person is very explosive so suddenly you say or do something and Bam
the person explodes and now it's your fault if you are in abusive relationship like this the first thing you have to do is understand that you are because a lot of people don't know that's all they've had all their lives and they think this is normal a lot of times empathic people marry abusive people because their parents were abusive so they're looking for the love of that Mom or that Dad who was abusive and this new partner so they marry somebody who's looks like or behaves like mommy or daddy that's why a lot of children
of alcoholic parents will marry alcoholic people CU they're looking for the love of and validation that they didn't have from their parents so this is a very interesting point uh because again as you're speaking I think about my personal life my experience and my interaction with clients right uh so I have a question question for you as a professional do you also believe that the cultural environment where each individual grow up plays a impact or plays a role and how it's it's two main factors it's um um the environment and it's your DNA right it's
who you are uh where you came from where your parents were and you know science already proves that uh a person that comes from um parents that are alcoholic or with with tendency to an addictive behavior they will have a high tendency for Addictive Behavior as well just because of their DNA it passes on and of course the environment is going to contribute as well but in the at the end of the day um you have to understand this there's some things that will not change there are some things that cannot and will not change
no matter the amount of therapy or help the person has it's who the person is and the problem with most people who are in an abusive relationship the problem is Hope okay so hope becomes a problem why they are hoping for something that cannot happen and I talk to you know we are Christians we talk to a lot of Christians and I counsel a lot of Christian couples and I see over and over again that person who is a Christian now is in a relationship and because of their religious Bel religious belief they are lingering
on to a relationship that is doomed to fail because they are suffering abuse but they because of their religious beliefs um they won't leave or because they have kids with a person and say oh we have kids I have to try and for whatever reason the saddest thing for me as a professional counselor talking to people is to to see how people are trapped trying to change the other trying to change the or hoping the part would change oh if we only do therapy if she would only do therapy or if he would only do
therapy and the truth of the matter is depending on the situation for example if the partner who is abusive has a personality disorder that has no treatment that has no medication that's going to fix that it's who the person is there's nothing that can be done oh I'm a religious person I'm going to pray that God's going to change his heart listen God can change his heart but he's not going to change his personality wow personality is who you are period And if you have a disorder in your personality usually caused in childhood and and
and you could just Google it all the you know professionals all the scholars all the doctors in the field they're saying the same thing it it is who you are it cannot change so the best thing a person in an abusive relationship best thing they can do is to realize this person is not going to change they may have moments of clarity moments of kindness It's called you know what psychologists call crumbs and they make you feel good for you a little bit just give you that little hope that they can't change but the truth
is they will not change at you know um we we hear a lot the word triggers in Psychology right the moment you trigger the person by doing or saying something that will bring them back to their trauma right for example if money was a problem for them growing up and they didn't have a father present parents who were nurturing and present and and uh providing and protecting as parents should be and this child forms this personality with that trauma Financial trauma and you talk about financial Trum you are a speaker on that subject matter um
that person is going to be triggered so you know I always tell people who are suffering an abusive relationship and they say oh but there are moments when he is so good to me or there's moments when she's so good to me and I say okay when that happens trigger them you know what their triggers are you know the things you say that made them explode and for example if uh finances is one oh they're being so nice talk about money oh since you're being so nice can we talk again about that you know uh
money subject that we were talking before and you got mad and we couldn't finish the conversation boom they trigger and they explode because they have the personality disorder and it doesn't matter how hard they try to beny they can do nothing about the triggers they have in their soul so the moment you talk about a certain subject it will trigger an abusive response okay so I have a question uh and that might be a bit controversial one and I want to put a hot seat there go ahead but when I'm looking and of course being
a Christians and we have the whole religious right mindset mindset background yeah is is that a hope cuz when it look to the statistics there's no hope right right we end and that's an alignment to my book as well and what I do but there is actually hope do you believe that is is it possible for individuals that are in that situation that abuse to ever reconcile or ever change it so of course there is but here we have to understand you can reconcile but you have to understand what you're going getting into that person
will not change so all the things that upset you in that person will for for ever be there they can go to treatment um and if they go to treatment they're only going to learn how to cover it up because they can't change who they are um all the you know um Gabor mate is one one of the guys I followed and love everything he says and writes and all his books Gabor m is amazing guy talks a lot about trauma expert in trauma and he says that a child's personality is formed by the seventh
year when they are seven years old that's it that window closes that's that defines who you are the experiences you've had from Zer to 7 years old Define who you are now you can learn languages you can learn traits you can grow as a person but you're not going to change as your personality is not going to change I think it all goes back to childood I think that's when our brain is formed that's when our personality is formed that's when our fundamental beliefs about the world are formed that's when we develop either positive or
negative attitudes towards ourselves then later on how we deal with adversity that comes on later on is very much conditioned by how we were first raised in the first place and if you have trauma in those first seven years you're going to carry that trauma for the rest of your life now you become a religious person start to seek God and pray that's going to help you maybe control some uh outbursts or um the consequences or the triggers right you you you control your behavior you become better at controlling it but you can never get
rid of it because you know uh as now speaking as a Theologian um there are some things God cannot do and people don't talk about that very much you know you always hear that God can do all things right but the Bible is very clear there's some things God cannot do for example easy for us to understand God cannot sin S one um and God cannot make you love him love me love me love me love me I did there are several things God cannot do that doesn't um doesn't mean that God is Not Almighty
he's still Almighty he's all powerful but God chooses not to force you to do anything just like a good parent would never Force his child to do anything right you want to convin like uh you want your child to love you but you're not going to force your child to love you so there are things that go against God's character and that's why he won't do it goes against God's character to change your personality so what would the advice that you would give then to someone that is the abuser and is and it needs help
and it's like I recognize and I want to help and like that's so rare you know I've never met somebody who abuses somebody else emotionally and we recognize they do it okay it's almost like the they they can't there are cases I've found a couple but they're rare it's like finding gold on the street because um these are very I would say highly illuminated individuals you know that by God's grace they found and they discovered wow yes and they were humble enough you see because people with um emotional who emotionally abuse others are usually not
humble they think very highly of themselves and for them to be humble enough to recognize there's something wrong with them it's kind of contradictory right um so and and and it's very rare but there are cases and um you can find even in social media find some guys that um say they're narcissist and they're doing treatment to become better um and they share their their experience um but it's it's one in a million so when you talk most of the people you talk to they will say I am in in an abusive relationship I feel
abused but I have personally never talked to somebody who said I am an abuser okay my partner is a victim of my triggers and all my behavior I've never ever um 25 years as a pastor and over 10 years as a professional counselor never I had somebody so it's very rare now uh what you do have all the time is people and as I sit with couples like thousands of hours sitting with couples to counsel them um you see over and over again people who are in abusive relationships hoping that that partner is going to
change and the truth of the matter is listen you you you have two options the first thing you have to understand is this person is not going to change okay and once you realize that it truly Embrace this truth that this person's is not going to change um they may have moments of CH apparent change you know momentarily momentarily feel make you feel amazing only two as soon as there is a trigger you know maybe frustration some you know some people that have trauma uh uh uh npds they will have uh frustration as a trigger
they get frustrated that nice person disappears immediately and what you have is the Furious person who abuses you emotionally some other people is money you know each one has a different trigger other um uh other uh emotionally abusive people have a trigger with a dirty house they can't stand a dirty house they come into the house the house has to be spotless I recently saw a video of this woman uh who was abusive in her relationship to to her husband and she's uh she went virus saying making a video and showing uh the house is
so clean and she does a tour of her house look the house so clean my house so clean my house so clean and at the end she says do you know but you know why the house so clean my husband left me wow and took the kids wow and he has custody of the kids now because I was mad all the time because I wanted the house clean I was you know have anger issues and outbursts of anger because everybody was messing the house and now I have a spotless house and my life is empty
wow so what do you really want do you want a clean house or you want a house filled with love and happiness because you can't have the cake and eat it right well we coming to the end of our show so Sandra last considerations and thoughts wow I do appreciate the opportunity to share some of the experiences and we still have four minutes tell us more about your book Let's close up yes uh and I came up again going through the pain of Separation right I had this idea how do I will turn this pain
into gain right again that's not I thought I thought how I'm going to turn the pain into profits but it's like oh I got to think beyond that into a tool into something tool how can I use my experience what did I learn to empower others right and the book is again you will be done you just don't know yet a tough love guide to breakups and what to do next and as we're talking about trauma a lot of things that I cover in the book talks exactly about trauma and how to overcome how to
identify and and why not I hope this will en lift people right and will help people to at least understand these challenges and where to seek help and not be afraid to seek help yeah yeah like I said there's lots of resources out there I just want to encourage people first of all you have to realize you have to understand if you are in abusive relationship you have to understand you cannot change others you can only change yourself first thing you have to understand and and have to realize you are in an abusive relationship Embrace
that truth um if you are in a relationship how do I know if I'm in a abusive relationship if you're partner um when you share your pain you share your problem you share uh something you're upset about if they take that and turn it against you that is an abusive relationship that is the basis of an abusive relationship because an empathic person will listen to your complaint and we'll say okay how can what can I do to make your life better right so if you are in a relationship when you complaint about something the person
takes it twists and throws back at you you are an abusive in an abusive relationship and I want to encourage you stop trying to change or hoping that that person will change the only one you can change is yourself so look for help for yourself and prepare talk to people um prepare a way out especially financially speaking you have before you even bring it up to anybody you must be financially independent stop being dependent on your partner and uh like Sandra said there's so many resources out there I want encourage you make your money prepare
the way um prepare a clear way out and then when you bring it up you made up your mind and it's time to get out of the game and may God bless you and help you yes and pain is inevitable but suffering is optional right so we have to make a choice either cling to the past and stay stuck or face the pain head on and move forward thank you brother let's move forward thank you for participating of the you better podcast I'm going to put a link for my B my book you better here
um many resources for you to become the best version that you can be the best version of yourself thank you and God bless you [Music]
