[Music] welcome to the growing in love for life podcast where it's all about saving and strengthening your marriage and creating the relationship you really deserve and want to have and now from growing in love4life. com relationship and marriage coach and best-selling author your host liam naden this is episode 7 of the growing in love for life podcast hi everyone i'm liam naden welcome i'm pleased you could join me and in this episode we're going to talk about a really big issue that a lot of couples face when they want to save their marriage and that is what do you do when you want to save your marriage but your spouse doesn't want to save it and if you're in that situation you'll know this is a really big problem and the reason for that well there are actually i think quite a few reasons why your spouse might not want to be as committed as you are to saving your marriage in fact there might be actually openly hostile to it so have a think about some of these and see if any of these apply to you but but often your spouse might not think it can be saved perhaps you've tried counseling and it maybe it didn't work or perhaps it even made things worse which is often the case or your spouse might think that you don't want to save your marriage they might just think that you've given up as well and they've got to the stage of agreeing with you and often it could be your spouse as feeling stressed and tired as probably you are of all of the unpleasantness that seems to be in your marriage so they think would just be easier to call it quits and just walk away from the whole thing you know another reason could be your spouse might be feeling very bitter and hurt perhaps you've done something that's hurt them you might have had an affair you might have done something very hurtful and they just can't forgive you for it and no matter what you do you can't convince them that you are sorry for what has happened another reason is they simply might not feel attracted to you any longer and this is with the this is where the intimacy has gone and we've you've probably heard the saying and they might be saying it to you well i love you but i'm not in love with you and that's a classic sign of lack of attraction which we'll talk about later on the podcast and the other big reason why your spouse might not want to save your marriage is that they might have moved on emotionally they might have had an affair or they might actually be having an affair they might be involved with somebody else they could have even moved out or even making plans to move out so these are just some of the reasons why when often when a marriage is in trouble one person wants to save it and is really desperate to save it and the other person just isn't interested so there's some good news if you're that person who really wants to save your marriage and your spouse doesn't want to i'm going to give you some ideas and strategies here to that you can apply that are going to make a difference because what you need to do and this is something i i work a lot with in my coaching programs in showing people and it's really my core philosophy which is if you do the right things you're going to get the right result and if you do the wrong things you're going to get the wrong result so the key really is not whether you can achieve something it's what do you have to do what are the right things to do to get the result you want so you've just got to focus on finding out what the right things are and in everything that i do that's what i'm focused on is showing people what the right things are that are going to get them the result they want now some of the things we're going to talk about might appear a bit counter-intuitive they might seem to you on the face of it the opposite of what you should do but as we go along i think if you stick with me you'll see that it starts to make a lot of sense the sort of things i'm i'm telling you that you should and shouldn't do all the and just a reminder this is this is a pretty intense podcast session is in fact i try to make all of them as full of information as i can i'm not really just wanting to give you a nice warm feeling here and and and you know spend a bit of a bit of time chilling out with me as it were i want to give you some really powerful information that you can use that's going to make a difference and really give you some positive results in your life so because of that my podcasts tend to be packed with information and i hope i'm not speaking too quickly i just want to get it all in on the time time we have but that's why i also can also provide what i call a thought sheet and you can get that from my website liam naden. com and just search for this episode episode number seven and you'll find what i call a a thought sheet rather than a worksheet but it's something you can download and print off and it gives you a summary of all of the things we're talking about and it allows you to take some notes on it as well so i really encourage you to do that okay so let's get into it so what do you need to do to save your marriage when your spouse doesn't want to okay well there's two things but the first thing we need to do what we need to look at is what not to do and this is actually just as important as what to do because the chances are if you're doing any of the things that you shouldn't be doing you're just going to be sabotaging your efforts to save your marriage without even realizing it so this is what we're going to cover first what not to do these are things you want to avoid okay now so the first thing you don't want to do is to suggest that you try counseling together in fact there are several reasons why counseling why actually having counseling or even just suggesting that you have counseling it might be a very bad idea now i'll explain why well first off you might have already tried counseling and found that it didn't help in fact it could have even made things worse so if you're just going to suggest it again what it's going to do it's only going to push your spouse further away and the second reason you don't want to suggest counseling is unfortunately this is really tragic counselling usually doesn't work anyway in fact research has shown that for up to eighty percent of couples who try marriage or relationship counselling it not only doesn't help but it actually makes things worse than they were before they tried the counseling and this is especially true if one or other of the couple is reluctant to do the counseling so counseling doesn't really work now now why doesn't counseling work well there's a couple of reasons here just to mention these to you firstly what counseling does is they generally focus on trying to fix your problems but the problem is whatever you focus on you're going to get more of and i've said this before an earlier podcast that if you focus on your problems you're only going to keep getting more problems and that's really what happens and the other thing that can happen as well as and this happens when one of or other of the partners is reluctant to go to counseling is there's a tendency for in this counseling situation not not consciously or not intentionally but there's a tendency for the counselor to take the side of the willing partner i mean it's usually the willing partner who's the one who's selected the counsellor and who's who has the most contact and of course they're the one most motivated to save the marriage so what tends to happen is the focus moves on to the unwilling spouse and it's r it often becomes the willing spouse and the counselor trying to motivate the other person to work on the marriage by telling them what they need to do and trying to get them motivated but of course they're not motivated they don't they probably don't want to be there if they're reluct if they don't want to save the marriage so those are several reasons why counseling is a really bad idea so the first thing you don't want to do is suggest to your spouse that you try counseling together okay now the second thing you don't want to do is you don't want to beg them to stay so you don't want to plead with them you don't want to get emotional about it and and just beg them to stay with you and you don't want to try and argue with them and give them logical reasons as to why they should stay you don't want to start saying things like we'll remember all the good times we've had in the past or another one's you know we we need to stay together for the sake of the children or you might say look if you left me i wouldn't know what to do without you i wouldn't be able to cope so that's all about begging them to stay and you don't want to do that so if you're doing that stop that immediately okay now the third thing which is quite similar is don't try to make them feel guilty about leaving so don't tell them that they're wrong they're selfish they're mean they don't care about the family or you or any of these things don't try to make them feel guilty about leaving that's the third thing fourth thing don't threaten them now this often happens with people and they say things like well if you leave i'm going to do something not very nice so if you leave i'll make sure that you won't get your share of our money or i'll make it hard for you financially so those those are like if you like financial threats or um another form of threat you might you might threaten them with the children and say if you leave i'll make sure you don't get to see the children or not as often as you would like another thing you might say is or that people say is if you leave i'll tell everyone how bad you are and that means i'll tell your work colleagues your your professional circle your friends your family so i'm going to tell everyone that you're a bad person because you left me so that's all part of the threat you don't want to do that you know some people even threaten their partner with harming themselves so they say if you leave me i'm going to kill myself or i'm going to hurt myself so they're all all of the different types of threats and there's probably others as well but but you want to make sure you don't threaten them if they are wanting to leave okay so the next thing is you don't want to become distant or cold with them now this can be very hard because you're you know you're probably feeling hurt and betrayed and bitter yourself but in effect what you're doing when you're becoming distant or cold is you're trying to punish them for what they're doing and you're trying to make them feel bad and as we get into the to the next part you'll see why this is not a good idea at all so don't become distant and cold i'm going to give you some techniques and strategies to shortly that will help you with that and i covered in a lot more detail in my coaching program and in my marriage transformation course but that's something you want to try and resist as not becoming distant or cold now all of these things that you don't want to do why is that well the reason you don't want to do these things is because if you do these things what you're doing is you're creating more of the bad feelings and those bad feelings are probably why your spouse wants to leave in the first place i mean let's face it if he felt good or she felt good they're not going to want to leave so you don't want to create more bad feeling you've got to find a way to create good feeling and that's what we're going to cover shortly the other reason you don't want to do these things is they make you appear weak and when you appear weak i'm sure you would agree somebody who is a weak person is very unattractive and you don't want to be less attractive to your spouse you want to be more attractive and that's a key point that if you want them to stay and this is especially true if there's another person involved perhaps they're involved with someone else having an affair then you've got your goal is to is to appear to your spouse more attractive to them not less so you want to create positive feelings and emotions around your relationship not negative ones now i agree this is difficult to do when you're watching your marriage falling apart but you simply have to do it and you can do it which is what i'm going to show you next all right so they're all the things you don't want to do and remember they're listed in the thought check that you can download from the website liam naden.
com okay so what should you do then let's look at the positive side and look at what are the things you can do to save your marriage when your spouse doesn't want to and this can be even if they've already walked out the door or they're about to you know they might be packing their bags they might be have already made plans to leave or they might have already left so these are the things you want to do the the positive things to get them back and to keep them and to transform your marriage into a great marriage not just one where they happen to stay okay so the first thing is the first thing you want to do is you want to make a commitment that you're going to save your marriage now this is different to just wanting to or hoping to you're committing to that you will save your marriage now and this is such an important point in in such a deep subject on its own i i do cover it in my marriage transformation program but i've also covered this specifically in in an earlier podcast in episode four so if you haven't already listened to that i really encourage you to listen to that episode four that's all about how you make the commitment that you are definitely committed to saving your marriage beyond wanting and beyond hoping because hope and want are both weak but commitment and knowing that you're going to save it is very very strong so listen to episode 4 of the podcast series if you haven't already that's all about that okay so the second thing you want to do is you want to work on yourself so this means making your focus on yourself not on your spouse not on your relationship and all the problems and the hurt and the pain and everything else no come back and focus on yourself work on yourself and the ways to do that there's several things you can do to do that firstly get clear on what makes you happy you know what do you enjoy doing and start to do those things so put your happiness first now that might be a bit of a foreign concept and unfortunately through our cultural conditioning and what we're taught about what marriage and relationships are we often have a funny idea that actually marriage is all about sacrifice and putting our own needs last it is the opposite a marriage and i won't get too much off the track here but a marriage is designed to allow you to be more of yourself more of who you are so to do that you've got to start focusing on yourself and what makes you happy so what are some of the things that make you happy define what they are figure them out write them down and start to do those things so what hobbies and interests make you happy what gives you a lot of fun that you can do another thing improve your social circle you know get out and if there are friends that you really enjoy the company of socialize more with them maybe even increase your social circle if you don't have one work out what sort of people you would like to have as friends and go out and make some friends you know you're taking positive action here your two things one it's actually action so you're not just sitting around being worried and depressed you're taking action so that will make you feel better for a start and the other thing is you're taking positive action you're doing good things things that are going to make you feel better so that's one of the ways to work on yourself another thing to do is you've got to work on developing the ideal you and here's a really good question to ask yourself how do you want to be seen by the world do you what sort of qualities do you want other people to look at you and say that that is what you have so do you want to be seen as someone who is strong or loving and or forgiving or gentle or faithful determined happy easygoing positive you know what are the qualities that you would like other people to go oh that's what they're like the positive qualities of course and once you define the qualities of the ideal you then start working on creating them in your life and there are a number of ways you can do this you can read some books you can do courses there's some good online courses out there as well and the other thing is be mindful of your thoughts and behaviors so the way you're acting in the way you're thinking are they in line with the ideal you so if you want to be determined happy and positive is that the way you're acting is that the way you're thinking start really being aware of these things so that's the next thing is working on developing the ideal you when you're working on yourself and the other area of working on yourself is that you need to look at your fears and you need to move past them and this is a huge issue for most of the people i talk to and work with is they're held back by their fears and i cover this in a huge amount of detail in my programs but you've got to start thinking what am i afraid of what are the things that are stopping me from being happy and from being myself and once you start to uncover those things you can start to deal with those so there's some ideas on how to work on yourself and that's the second step in the positive things to do to save your marriage when your spouse doesn't want to okay the third thing to do is work towards a happy marriage not away from an unhappy one now remember i said earlier with problems if you whatever you focus on you get more of so it makes sense you want to focus on a happy marriage not focus on trying to get rid of of an unhappy one and this really works and some of the things to do firstly try not to react to negativity so if your spouse makes a hurtful comment or does something hurtful you've really got to try and not react to that be aware that if you react you're just adding more negative energy to it and you're making it stronger so don't react and you can you can walk away from arguments if you feel yourself getting into an argument don't try and be the one who wins it because you'll both feel bad if that's the case it's not weak to walk away from an argument or just to just to refuse to buy into it just to change the subject or or just not get emotionally involved in an argument so don't react to negativity and the other one is in terms of working towards a happy marriage not away from a from an unhappy one you've really got to work on overcoming your sense of hurt i mean can i ask you how willing are you to forgive your spouse for all of their all of the things they've done to hurt you you've got to get to the point the stage of being totally forgiving unconditionally forgiving and that's the word unconditional means without any strings attached at all you forgive them so they don't have to do something for you to forgive them they don't have to change for you to give them you just forgive them you don't have to be worried that in the future they might do something that if you forgive them now they might do something later that will hurt you again you've got to get rid of all of that again my marriage course marriage transformation course i give you some powerful techniques on how to do that but you've got to get past feeling hurt and being unforgiving so those are things that are going to move you towards a happy marriage that so you're not going to be fighting moving away from an unhappy one you're not going to be dealing in negativity you're going to be moving towards the right thing by dealing with positive things so that's the third thing the fourth thing is to stop letting your happiness depend on your marriage now this is something that a lot of people do they say that well if i you know i can only be happy if my partner stays and of course that's what i it's the flip side of what i talked about earlier about making them feel guilty so you've got to find a way to to in your mind know that you can and will be happy without irrespective of what's going on in your marriage and what that also means is you've got to be willing to let go of your marriage if you know that it's never going to make you happy and the irony of it is that if you can communicate to your partner that you're willing to let go of your marriage opposite often the opposite will it will have the opposite effect and will actually make them want to be involved more in the marriage so if you you've got to know in your mind it doesn't mean obviously that you're going to or that you intend to but you've got to be willing to say well if this marriage is never going to make me happy i'm happy to walk away because the most important thing is for you to be happy that's the purpose of life as i said in an earlier podcast are you new do you remember that so the purpose the most important thing is for you to be happy and another interesting thing you can do is to build a picture of a happy life of your happy life of you having a happy life without your marriage so this is obviously just a theoretical game you play in your mind but just can just imagine you being really happy and you're not married to your spouse they're not there now it could be that you're on your own or it could be with some other imaginary person of your dreams but just build a picture of of a happy life without your marriage so that you know so that you know it's actually possible and that you know you're not dependent on your situation your marriage right now for you to be happy so that's the fourth thing now the fifth thing you need to do is you need to work on being attractive and if you think back to all the things not to do they were all things that made you appear weak and unattractive so by attractive i don't just mean physically although for a lot of people you know that over the course of a marriage particularly over a period of time we lose our edge in terms of remaining physically attractive for our partner so it physical is important but i'm also talking about being attractive emotionally and mentally and all of the things that i'm talking about these other steps that i'm describing they're all going to make you more attractive emotionally and mentally because what you need to give your spouse to stop them from leaving is you need to give them a picture of what they're going to lose if they go so focus on all the things that are going to make you attractive rather than unattractive so that's about being attractive so the next thing number six is to create some opportunities to connect positively with your spouse and what this is about is creating some positive energy in your marriage now if your marriage is falling apart and you're really struggling chances are pretty well all of your time is going to be spent in negative energy you're probably arguing there's there's poor communication uh there's a lack of intimacy all those sorts of things this fear worry stress and the problem with that is as i said earlier when i talked about problems that what you focus on you get more of if you're discontinually putting negative energy in you're just going to keep getting more of that so you need to break the pattern and and figure out how you can put some positive energy and positive connection with your partner with your spouse into your marriage so here's a couple of ways to do that firstly why not try and make them laugh you know when was the last time you shared a joke or a funny story do that again think of some jokes they can be silly ones but think of something to that'll make them laugh or a funny story or it could be a funny situation you could observe something that's happening around you or on on the television or something like that but but try and bring some laughter into your marriage and the other way you can get some positive energy in is recall some of the great times you've had from the past remind them about that say to them hey do you remember that time when we did such wasn't it fun and think of something funny or positive or really exciting that you you did from the past and reconnect in a positive way with them that way so it's really important to start putting some positive energy back in and laughter and recalling some good times from the past are two great ways to do that and the last thing number seven step number seven is and this relates actually right back to the first thing about being determined to save your marriage the last thing is don't give up so keep putting positive energy into your into your marriage because it's that positive energy that's going to keep your partner keep your spouse not only staying but wanting to be there and wanting more of what you're offering which is this wonderful positive energy right well that's a lot to take in i'm sure you'd agree and remember i've summarized this on the thought sheet so all of these steps are there that you can refer to you can just download them from the website liam naden. com but i've also put on there what i've called the save your marriage mindset and this is seven things that you need to keep in your mind and these are if you like the right beliefs that you want to have when you're dealing with saving your marriage and keeping your spouse from wanting to leave so here are the seven thoughts the first one is i am going to save our marriage i love my spouse and i'll do whatever it takes for us to stay together number two i'm a great person worthy of love and of having a happy and fulfilling life number three i create my own happiness number four i am not dependent on my marriage to be happy number five i am attractive physically mentally emotionally and sexually and number six i focus on the positive aspects of our marriage and number seven our marriage is only going to get better and better so try and make those seven things your mindset you'll you'll agree they're all about positive things they're putting positive energy back in and the keys to success with this firstly are just as i said to be positive you've got to maintain a positive attitude you've got to put some positive energy into it the second thing is love unconditionally love your spouse unconditionally the third thing focus on your own self-worth remember the purpose of life i said this in a in a previous podcast is the purpose of our life is to be happy remember are you new remember that so focus on your own happiness that's really important and the last thing keep your goal in mind which is saving your marriage keep focused on that and you will get there so quite a big podcast this time i i hope you found this useful and i hope you can apply some of this information you can take these ideas really use them and see a positive result and if you want some more help my special report which is the five keys to saving your marriage now which you can download at my other website which is growing in love4life. com i really encourage you to go there and download that because that's going to give you some some more powerful tools to apply this information so that's the website growing in love for life dot com and if you found this podcast useful please i'd really appreciate it if you left a review that would help us to spread the word my passion is to share this information with as many people as possible because as i said before it's just about knowing some of the right things to do and that can make a world of difference so the more i can share this information with people the more the more i know i'm going to be able to make a difference and that's what i really want to be able to do [Music] and the last thing is if you'd like to contact me if you've got any any comments or questions feel free to send me an email my email is liam laam at growingandlove4life.
