Welcome, welcome in here, out there, all around the world to the late show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbear. Ladies and gentlemen, [cheering] I want I really I want to sincerely thank everybody watching this broadcast tonight for for for tuning in.
I know I'm well aware that right now America is a rough watch. >> Before before I turn on the news, I usually grab a bite stick and strap on a cup. And but but we did find one piece of happy news today.
Uh there we go. It's Oprah's birthday. [cheering] [applause] >> [cheering] [applause] >> Every show at CBS has to do that at least once today.
Gail put that in all of our contracts. There there is there is some other good news. Reportedly, thanks to his plunging popularity over his goons brutality in Minneapolis and elsewhere, Donald Trump is frightened and backed in a corner.
Yeah, it is. [cheering] You know, good to know there's some consequences, but I just want to I just I just want to warn everybody that that's when you have to be extra careful cuz if you startle him when he's cornered, he'll inflate his neck pouch. [cheering] [applause] Didn't expect that zoom in there.
It surprised me a little bit. His mass deportations are incredibly unpopular. Just to give you some idea of how much people do not like what ICE is doing on Reddit, a fascist kink role-playing subreddit has now banned posting any ICE porn.
Okay, but before they take away all the ice porn, let me just see this one one more time. [music] [cheering and applause] Was [applause] [cheering] [applause] that good for you? >> Cuz it was good for me.
Trump's PR problem is about to get worse because yesterday Bruce Springsteen dropped a new anti-ICE protest song [cheering] called Streets of Minneapolis, [applause] which obviously echoes his 1993 hit Streets of Philadelphia, which was about the AIDS crisis. It just goes to prove the old adage, you really don't want Bruce Springsteen to write a song about your streets. Not even Sesame.
[laughter] Oscars in the trash can. The song [laughter] The song came out yesterday afternoon and Springsteen released a statement saying, "I wrote this song on Saturday, recorded it yesterday, and released it to you today. " Okay.
Well, I also had a productive weekend. I did laundry on Saturday, put it in the dryer Sunday, and it's still in the basket today. We're both [applause] >> We're both kind of the boss.
You will not be surprised that the lyrics are poignant and powerful. And here's a taste. [music] >> I hear your voice through the bloody mist.
Here in [music] our home, they killed and roamed in the winter of 26. [music] We'll take our stand for this land and the [music] strange that I missed. We'll remember [music] the names of those who died on the streets of Minapolis.
>> Thank you, Bruce. [cheering] >> [applause] >> Yeah, that's amazing. That's lovely.
[applause] >> Yep. That's what you're looking for. That is amazing.
Do you know how hard it is to rhyme with Minneapolis? [laughter] I went to the farmers market but forgot my apple list. [laughter] This sends a powerful message.
Springsteen is as American as it gets. He's the working man's poet laurate. He's the New Jersey state bird.
Okay, it's time for ICE to get out of there and go to Milan because it was just announced that the US will send ICE agents to the Winter Olympics. No. [cheering] Yes, I agree with all that noise.
That's a terrible idea. The only ice I want to see at the Olympics is ice dancing. >> Two hotties.
[cheering] [applause] Two hotties twirling on skates to an instrumental version of me espresso. [cheering] Are they married? Are they siblings?
I don't care. [laughter] Strap those high tide butts in some sparkly leotards and make them spin for our pleasure. >> [cheering] >> Technically, DHS is sending a division of ICE called Homeland Security Investigations.
Allegedly, these agents will be there in what they're calling a security role with no patrolling or enforcement. Of course, American ICE won't be doing enforcement in Milan. That's a job for Milan ICE.
Or as they say in Italian, gelato. I know. [applause and cheering] I know.
Granita. No letters. I know it's Guin.
[applause] In response to this uh this ICE plan, Italian lawmakers have demanded that their government deny Trump's thugs entry to Italy. Well, I'm not surprised. [cheering] Good for you.
Good for you, Italia. I'm not surprised at all. This is America's greatest insult to Italy since Olive Garden steak gorgonzola Alfredo.
Olive Garden, when you're here, the word sirloin has an asterisk. All this bad PR about ICE appears to have gotten to Trump. He seems a little rattled.
Case in point, this week he sent a bizarre fundraising email to MAGA donors with a subject line, "Are you an illegal alien? " That's that's a weirdly accusatory greeting. It's like getting a birthday card that says, "Happy birthday, Grandpa.
Are you a cannibal? " >> [laughter and cheering] >> The only the only email The only email subject line more shocking is the one that tells you all the hot mils in your area are only one mile from you and lonely tonight. What are the odds?
[cheering] Well, ladies and gentlemen, [applause] >> [applause] >> Got some got some hot milks in here tonight. And [cheering] buckle up, ladies and gentlemen, cuz this weird email is about to get truly strange. It continued.
I reached out last week about my citizens only survey. Your file says you're a top mega patriot, but my records to my survey still say response pending. Don't tell me you're an illegal alien.
That cannot be true. This is your final moment to prove me wrong. Please.
Please. Are you a proud American citizen or does ICE need to come and track you down? Holy cow.
That's That's not a fundraising email. That's blackmail. and also the most unhinged combination of desperate emotions and font styles I've ever seen.
It's like getting an email from Xfinity that reads, "Your account is overdue. My file says you love the internet, but my survey still says response pending. Do you even love internet or do I need to kill you?
Please, please, please. I love you. Don't make me do this, babe.
Top hat, saxophone, yield sign, beach umbrella. [cheering and applause] might want to hold off. Yes.
[applause] >> Hya Navy. Hya Navy. >> Oh, ladies and gentlemen, that sound means it's time to talk about Melania Trump [cheering] because tonight the first lady's documentary Melania premiered at the Trump the Kennedy Center.
The premiere was attended by members of the administration like Pam Bondi, Pete Hagath, Christy Gnome, RFK Jr. , and Cash Patel, as well as several former NFL players and UFC fighters, [cheering] which means a bunch of people with brain damage, sat next [cheering] [applause] [applause] sat next to NFL players and UFC fighters. I got to get to the punch line.
Got to go faster. I got to get to the I got [cheering] to get to the punch lines faster. These people, [applause] they're good.
They're good. Reviews are still rolling in, but apparently Cash Patel was riveted there. But it wasn't just, it wasn't just at the Trump, the Kennedy Center.
There were premier events in over two dozen cities, including Phoenix, Detroit, and Kansas City, or as Melania calls them, no thank you. That's a big splashy debut for a documentary about a first lady whose signature achievement is hat. And this film did not come cheap, y'all.
To produce and distribute it, Jeff Bezos paid $75 million. Now, obviously, he's one of the richest men in the world. That's chump change to Bezos himself.
But it might have helped the 16,000 people that Amazon announced they were firing yesterday. You know what? You know what?
I have had it. I say we storm the castle. Let's see.
Uh Amazon has pitchforks. That's good. And let's see.
They also have they have torches. That's good. And let's see.
I'm Prime. Let's order that. And the Revolution will start in two business days.
There you go. [cheering] [applause] Keep that nearby. [applause and cheering] To promote Melania the movie, Melania the person went on Melania the Fox News where she was asked about dancing to YMCA with her husband.
>> You've never done the Y, have you? >> I did. >> You did?
Was that on the inauguration? >> Correct. It's different than his.
>> Yes. My why is different than his. It's not so much this why.
It's more why. Oh my god. [cheering] [applause] [cheering] [applause] [laughter] [applause] Hold on.
Melania [cheering] Melania also talked to uh the Fox Business News Maria Barto Romo and explained her vision for the film. At least I think that's what she was saying. What I wanted to do is to put u the product the film into the theaters um very cinematic product people will see it will see fashion >> all accurate except for the part where people will see it.
We got a great show for you tonight. [cheering] My guests are Alexander Starard, a little thing over the A and journalist Jacob Sober. [music] Come back.
We celebrate the 25th anniversary of the greatest [cheering] trilogy of all time, The Lord of the Rings. Join us.
