[Music] all right let's take another call let's go to christopher in butte montana christopher what's going on hi how are you doing today all right brother how are you i'm doing all right um thanks for taking my call you got it man so what's up okay well um just to probably make something brief that's a bit more than brief um ever since i was a kid i'm 23 now ever since i was a kid 12 14 um i've always been almost too good at talking to people and that has since probably since i was 14
15 has almost made me a compulsive liar um and it's dug its nastiness into my marriage and i don't really know well i know how to fix it but i'm scared too if that makes sense yeah absolutely and i really just don't know what to do um so that's why i'm calling well dude this is hard and i've been there i had the same challenge growing up and um i watched a an executive self-destruct with the same problem and i had a ringside seat too oh this is what how this ends and it was almost
like a light switch in my life um and so i'm grateful that at 23 you're able to recognize this in yourself and want to do something about it um backing up men why do you believe that this true story of you christopher is of less value than this concocted story that you tell um that's a deep question i feel like um i feel like i'm a fairly smart person and in a lot of circumstances i know what the right thing or what i should be doing is and at the same time for some reason maybe
laziness maybe something along those lines i don't do what that right thing is but i don't want to admit that if that makes sense um so give me an example uh let's see a really good example this is one of the big ones that i'm trying to figure out how to deal with so my wife and i were going to school right now online and i'll be honest school has not been my forte um that we're college it's been really rough but i haven't figured out how to tell my wife that uh um she's a
big believer in making sure we have a degree and we're doing fairly well i'm a store manager but uh regardless uh i guess i'm scared to tell her that if that makes sense but that's what and that's what i'm told i'm trying to get to the root here there's a story that you've been told and that over time you've adopted and you tell yourself that the things that you want to do in your life aren't valuable or aren't worth or aren't enough and so you create personas that you are a little bit tougher a little
bit faster you hooked up with a few more people you ran a little bit faster than you actually did you scored a few more points in this whatever the things are and because at some deep level the narrative that you've adopted is chris what christopher wants is not good what christopher wants is less than and so you spend your life creating an alt universe for everybody around you yeah and then what happens when you're living an alt universe you start living multiple art alt universes and the only thing that tamps that down is addiction and
the only thing that tamps that down is stimulation somewhere else right and so when you are um i'll just use your example right you can tell me if i'm out to lunch here you don't like me in school you would rather not be you know that your wife really values it so you miss a class and you miss another class and then you don't do super great on assignment and then you don't tell her and now you got a secret between you you planted a seed and it's a secret and then you've had that weird
feeling when she says how was school and just you blurt out cool man going great how's that test it was good and now that secret you watered it right and now it's growing up between you and then you feel that gap and that distance and the only thing that makes that gap in distance go away it doesn't go away not burn a hole in you is pornography talking to somebody else at work that you can be flirty with another drink another drink just watching uh episodes after episodes you start having to fill that gap with
something else because you've you've created a a gap in the relationship am i am i onto something am i right yeah okay if you are okay um not that i've lived this but i'm just saying right so here's what you've got to do there's only one way through this and you know what it is right but it's it's you think you know what it is but you actually don't it's gonna be a little bit different first and foremost you got to come clean on all of it and the story you just told me about school
is the most sanitized one of these things am i right yeah okay what's the one giant um thing that you're holding on to that you haven't told her um well i there's two okay and one is sort of a root of all of this but the first big one is i it's school related i've basically am on the verge of getting kicked out and the second one is pornography related um ding ding ding okay yeah and did you cheat on her when y'all were dating no that is one lion i've never crossed fortunately all right
good um all right so here's what we're gonna do you're gonna um have that conversation with him you're going to let her know it's coming okay and you're going to tell her hey we have to talk about some hard things and so i want you to clear your schedule and um it's going to be a couple hours and i've got some stuff i need to talk to you about number one she's probably gonna know more about this than you think she does occasionally people are totally blindsided but often not um and then number two before
you have that conversation you've gotta get with a male friend of yours a guy friend and tell him everything all of it and you have to commit to somebody not your wife that this is the last dishonest thing you ever say and or do period okay the only way forward is um to keep a sentence in mind that a a mentor of mine gave it told me his name is randy harris and he said the greatest question anybody can ever ask themselves is this is integrity something you can sort of have is integrity something you
can mostly have and i don't draw a lot of hard lines but i do draw a hard line about that because dishonesty and stealing destroys people and if you just tell your this to your wife you are too smart and too quick and you will wrap this up and she wants so hard to believe in you that she will buy whatever box of crap you're trying to sell her and you know that and i know that so you've got to bring somebody else into this conversation that's going to hold you accountable it'd be really cool
if it was your dad or if it was her dad or somebody of high importance that you really want their approval you really want them to speak in your life but my guess is one or both of those men probably contribute to this challenge that may not be the best if you've got a spiritual mentor that you trust if you've got an older wiser gentleman that you trust an old college professor somebody that will speak into your life and will call you regularly and say are you still telling the truth right or that when you
do slip up and lie you can let them know how i screwed up today almost like an aaa meeting now are you actually going to do that or no no that actually sounds like something i want to do i don't know really how to explain it but and i mean maybe you have heard this or can understand it but it just it's a lot to yes it's like i'm always worrying about it you know yes it's weird i've never talked about this out loud so this is a lot yes it it's a ton right and
you will um you'll feel better after this call you'll feel better after this call you will know um because here's the thing you're carrying around a sack full of bricks man all the lies but beneath the lies is this narrative that what i want and what i value doesn't matter and so i've got to keep everybody around me happy and the way i keep them happy is by giving them all stories different versions of myself you got to stop today i will never lie i'll never steal again and when i slip up on one of
those i'm gonna go to the ends of the earth to make it right to call it out to be over the top about it okay i appreciate your bravery christopher today's the day here's what i want you to do i want you to um make that declaration today call somebody today talk to him about it and then let your wife know we're going to meet this weekend we need to have some direct conversations and by the way don't flunk out of school don't flunk out of school there's no professor on earth that wants to flunk
you out of school that's you deciding i'm going to make a statement don't do that at the very least go to your professors and say hey i need to take a incomplete i need to talk about this i haven't been doing my work but don't choose to flunk out of school man um that's choosing to take one of those bricks out of your backpack and just hit yourself in the head with it that's that's a waste of time all right so you're on it down you're on the america's clock the dishonesty stops today right all
right everybody we'll be right back stay tuned on the dr john dolone show [Music]
