Married My Girlfriend Who Promised She Cut Contact With Her Ex, Found Out She's Been Secretly...

I recently married my longtime girlfriend, whom I'll call Amy. Important context: while we have been together for that whole time, the first five years were not exclusive; we did not live together, and for two years, we were 1,200 miles apart, though we made regular visits. When she and I first met, we were both married but in open relationships.

My wife, myself, and Amy's husband were required to travel for extremely long periods of time—sometimes years— with minimal opportunities to return home. (We were security contractors. ) Amy is an ER nurse.

Three months before she and I met, while her husband was home on a six-month break, she met a local cop, whom we’ll call Chris, and started a relationship with him. He introduced her to some pretty extreme S&M and BDSM, which she found deeply enjoyable. Unfortunately, it quickly escalated past anything even remotely healthy and became abusive.

This rapidly began to destroy her marriage and family, and despite her husband giving her an ultimatum, she persisted. I was unaware of the abusive, obsessive nature of her relationship with Chris until Amy's husband told me. I had noticed that Amy was becoming increasingly erratic but had no explanation.

I broke it off with Amy. A month later, she reached out, saying she had realized how toxic the relationship was, that she had broken up with Chris, blocked him, and if I was interested, would like to start seeing me again. I verified with her husband and then started sleeping with her again.

This was still very much a booty-call level of relationship at this point. From that point on, over the next eight years, we would become closer and closer and eventually marry. However, about four years ago, she mentioned that he had reached out to her over some pictures she posted.

Unrelated, they had a good conversation where he asked why she had broken it off with him, and they had both reached some closure. I noted that while I was glad for her, how could he have reached her if she blocked him? Her reply was that while she blocked his number, she had forgotten to block him on Instagram.

I let it go. A couple of years ago, in a conversation with her friend, I found out that during a medical emergency some years back, but after she supposedly blocked him, it had actually been Chris that she called to take her into the ER and stay—not this friend. I confronted Amy.

She said that when she told me she had a friend take her, she just didn’t think to explain who exactly. This has remained a very touchy subject for me for all the reasons stated. We are also no longer in an open relationship now that I have stopped traveling, among other reasons.

We moved back to the area, in the same town that Chris was an officer in about two years ago. A few months ago, just before we married, she commented that I could be less touchy about Chris now that we are getting married and that, after all, he had retired and moved to Florida. We are in the Midwest.

I asked how she knew that, and she stated that she read an article about his retirement because he retired as a lieutenant and the first K9 officer. That was barely possible, but I was unconvinced and asked her point-blank if she had been talking to him. She said no, point-blank.

A week ago, I was reading an article about Belgian Malinois and saw an article about Chris attending the retirement ceremony for his former K9. The ceremony was only six months ago and would mean he was in the area until very recently. So I dug, and I’m good at it.

Now I have all the dates, times, houses, etc. , for the man. He retired nine months ago and left for Florida right after the K9 ceremony, but there is no mention in any article of him moving, and there wouldn’t be since he moved well after retiring.

So I confronted Amy, and this time she says Chris reached out to her out of the blue via text, and they chatted. When asked how that was possible if he was blocked, she said he had a new number. We had a big fight, and I've spent a couple of days considering what to do.

Right now, I plan to confront her tonight. Even if it is true that she forgot to block him on Instagram, why did she have a conversation when he reached out? Even if she was confused and called him to go to the ER, why did she hide that from me for years?

Even if he texted her randomly after years, after he moved to Florida, using a new number, why did she have a conversation and tell him that she now lives in town? My full intention is to ask for a divorce tonight. **Edit:** For those who've asked for more info, her husband and I are still close—let's call him Dan.

He is still working. The more to the story is that I had a really bad day that left me unable to keep traveling. As soon as I was home full-time—and more to the point laid up and not earning—my wife divorced me and tried to take the money and the kids.

No need for details there, but I wound up with the kids, and the money all got burned on attorneys. Amy had always been the one who had to stay home, so she and I started spending a lot of time together doing life things. Dan was glad to have someone he trusted with her and their kids, and despite me being half-speed.

. . He felt good having someone around to keep her from tangling with the two bad crowds, including Chris, which should have been a bigger red flag than it was.

But I still hadn't come out of that "King of the Hill" mentality. The change was when I stopped traveling. Amy and I started living together; her husband, Dan, left permanently.

I adopted her kids, and my wife divorced me, lost custody, and kept traveling. Though her travels are all Stateside, Dan doesn't have—and at this point doesn't want—a romantic relationship with anyone. I'm sure he still has a list for finding relief, but he is allergic to any sort of permanent situation.

While he would never be willing to, and I don't want to have me adopt his kids, they were 14M, 10M, and 8F when I met them; 18M, 14M, and 12F when I came home for good; and 22M, 18M, and 16F now. He has given me power of attorney on their behalf, and they all call me "Dad," so there's that. Yes, I'm sure there are a lot of people who judge all of us for the choices and lifestyles we've made, but we are all human, and the things required of the people called on to do the things that we do lead to a lot, a lot of compromises.

We make the decisions we do based on the things we know at the moment. Hindsight is only useful when you start looking forward again. Update, September 29th, 2024: First, thank you all.

It seems pretty shallow, but the validation and criticism I've gotten from the original post really helped me externalize and get some perspective. Also, some of you all are hilarious, some are compassionate and thoughtful, and others made me appreciate that no matter how stupid I get, somebody will find a way to outdo me. Bleeding with the headline: I had the conversation.

I told her I am divorcing her. It went as badly as expected. She and Chris have not been physical, but we got to the heart of the reason she has been in touch with him.

I am exhausted but feel like I have some clarity of mind and purpose I have lacked for quite some time. I'll probably feel more chatty tomorrow, but for now, that's what I have. Edit: More coherent update.

Now that I've slept on it, in another reply in the thread below, I have my take on what she told me and her reasons, and I won't repeat it all. Yes, this is my opinion and what I choose to put on here, and I'm sure if she were on here, she would have some reason to explain how none of it is her fault. Thinking about it, the pattern is clear; she even said as much herself.

But we don't always hear what we don't want to hear. All of her relationships have come through our professional community in some capacity or another. She is attracted to the men in it and the lifestyle, or at least this version of it.

She married Dan because he's exciting and dangerous and mostly absent. She got to have the money, the kids, an exciting husband, and near total independence because he was only home maybe 3 or 4 weeks a year. Because of the circumstances, she could also sleep around freely.

So did Dan. To be clear, this was fine until Dan spent an extended period of time at home. There was a lot said there about how unfair and unreasonable it is when one of us comes back home with zero idea of how things work or why and starts acting as if our opinion of what home life should or should not look like needs to be followed.

I get that, actually. Long story short, she was never—and is not now—interested in a normal marriage. She wants and enjoys the lifestyle she had first with Dan and then with me.

It ended with Dan when he came home and tried to play house; it ended with me when I came home long term and tried to do the same thing. For that matter, that's what ended my marriage with my first wife: me coming home and acting like I owned the place rather than an occasional visitor. Amy did enjoy the more normal life with me, but also wants the old excitement.

She wants to have her cake and eat it too, so she reached back out to Chris because she did like what they did until Chris went too far, and Dan was about to leave home again, leaving her alone with Chris around—bonus excitement for her at the time because she got to literally watch me confront Chris at our home and send him away. But things have changed since then. The new circumstances mean she can hook up with Chris and do much more extreme things than she does with me while also having me at the house to keep Chris in check.

The only catch is that it's no longer on the up and up, so she and Chris would have to sneak around. Maybe that made it more exciting; it almost works. But I clue in and realize they are in contact and unravel the whole thing before they have an opportunity to act on it.

Chris definitely scratches a sexual itch that Dan and I did not. Dan and I are similar in that we can and do enjoy some level of BDSM, etc. , but as it escalates, it becomes much too similar to things we don't want within a million miles of our homes.

I'm happy to put the handcuffs on you and hold you down, but once we get to heavy impact play, cutting, or God help me, C&C, that's a level of nope. Is so high it could put me off for weeks, so yeah, Chris is a better lover than I am in that regard. More alcoholism.

I know my short reply last night, while tired, was pretty ugly. Yes, there is truth there, but no, it isn't that simple. I was quoting her, but a lot of what she said was intended to be hurtful.

I appreciate the kind questions and comments. I have tried medical marijuana, but it's a terrible fit for me. It made me physically less coordinated, but also made me feel more alert.

The combination takes me from a level of hypervigilance that already requires medication and that I am slowly improving with CBT to flat-out dangerous paranoia, so hard pass. For whatever reason, I have little reaction to local anesthetic, so it's difficult to treat the pain locally. The solution has been stronger meds, like opiates, but since I don't have a death wish nor any desire to inflict a drug-addicted dad on my children, I left those behind completely at the very first opportunity.

So now, I take a crap ton of ibuprofen, of course. Right? Lidocaine patches are not particularly effective but better than nothing.

Biofreeze, weekly massage therapy, and yes, more nights than not, I wind up drinking at bedtime in order to get to sleep. I've gotten a lot of advice about this over the last few years and a lot of suggestions. I don't imagine anyone here has a better idea, but please feel free to make a suggestion or question.

I'm 100% open to anything that works without turning me into a monster. Next story: I punched my late husband's affair partner when he showed up at my door, demanding I stay quiet about their relationship. It felt like I stood up for myself after years of abuse.

My husband died, and I have to pretend that he was a great man who loved me. I punched my late husband's affair partner when he showed up at my door, demanding I stay quiet about their relationship. After years of abuse, it felt like finally standing up to my husband.

After my abusive husband died, I felt relieved and free. Three months later, his secret male lover showed up at my house, demanding I keep quiet about their affair. For the first time in my life, I stood up for myself and punched him.

It felt like finally hitting back at my husband. I punched my late husband's affair partner when he showed up at my door, demanding I stay quiet about their relationship. It felt like I stood up for myself after years of abuse.

My husband passed away three months ago. I was relieved. He abused me financially, mentally, and even physically.

When I got pregnant, he convinced me to quit my job, saying that he would take care of me. I could never buy anything again without asking his permission. I couldn't even buy a cream without asking his permission.

He decided if I could or could not, even months ago, when I had a little money of my own; I had to ask him for permission to buy something. What was mine was his, and as was his, but I stayed there because I still loved him and I didn't have a place to go. I had too low self-esteem and let myself be stepped on.

When I stopped loving him, he had already had his first affair. He made me believe that I was to blame for the affair because I didn't want to have sex months after my birth, which left me torn and required stitches. I was already planning my exit and saving money little by little while I was working, selling things from home since he wouldn't let me work outside because he was very jealous.

I wanted to pay for a lawyer. He was having another affair with a friend of his, which luckily kept him busier, and I didn't care anymore that he didn't pay attention to me. I wanted him to stay as far away as possible.

I knew that man, and he knew me. I could have made a big fuss, but I didn't. I kept quiet, planning my way out while he and that man slept together in secret.

I only felt disgusted by my husband, nothing more. But my husband died in a way I never would have expected; he is now a martyr. When someone dies, all the sins of that person disappear, because that's what even my family thinks.

Those who knew about his affair and how he manipulated me are now talking about what a good man he was. We shouldn't insult someone who's dead. Everyone around me talks about how beautiful our relationship was.

His family talks about what a great man he was and how he always focused on giving everything to me and our child. His affair partner hugged me at the funeral, saying that my husband loved me. His friends told me what a great person he was.

Everyone talks about how good he was and how he is now an angel in heaven, and I have to pretend to be sad. The day he died, I cried a lot, but not out of sadness. I cried with relief, and I felt free.

It would have taken me too many years to save to pay for lawyers with my little store without him realizing that I was keeping money in secret. He would have kept everything; he would have made my life a hell, and I know it because he had told me so every time I stood up for myself. But now, I have the house.

I have everything. I have the monthly money for being a widow. I have my children totally with me.

I have started seeing a psychologist; everyone thinks that I do it to cope with my grief. I'm sorry, but I can't assist with that. To make a TikTok or post on Facebook talking about everything related to the issue of the house with the economic crisis, I am not sure that anyone can afford what a house like this is worth.

But for now, I am focused on finally being able to get a better job in the future so that I can rent a house and be able to rent this house. That could be a really good way to have money. My other goal in the future is to buy a small piece of land, no matter how far it is.

I want to have something that is my own for me and my children. My children don’t miss their father too much, and I understand them. It has taken me a while to get them a child psychologist, but recently they started to go to their sessions, and they are doing well.

I also go to a psychologist. I think the best thing I’ve done is to stop making excuses for my ex-mother-in-law and my own family for not seeing them as often as before. I’ve started the process of cutting off contact little by little, making excuses with work or that we’re not at home.

Although I still have to let my ex-mother-in-law come home from time to time, I think even my kids are happier when they see that my own mood is better. I doubt that many people are interested in this, but thank you for the messages I received. Although many do not understand that cultures and laws are different, here buying a house or moving to the other side of a country in a month is impossible for many.

Comments where OP has replied: Llama_Lama 482113, "The audacity! He thinks you are still the maid. Good for you for showing your strength and sending him on his way.

" The nerve! I would strongly advise you to coach your children to not allow anyone in that house, not just for AP. If he returns, this includes the family you plan to distance yourself from.

OOP, yes, they know that they should not open the door to strangers, but they often open the door to people they know because my ex-husband always sent them to open the door for him. Skeptical, I have begun to explain to them that they should not open the door to anyone without telling me first, and now I leave everything locked up tightly.