Mr. Obeed if I may, I want to tell a story, once upon a time, 8 years ago, we where in one of the theaters of the Department of Education. the manager whom we are going to meet was late. we were a crowd and we filled the theater, he was late about half an hour, and we were wondering why he is late, where he is. where he has gone, all of this is not a sign of self-confirmation. unfortunately, all of us are cowards. Mr. Obeed taught a lesson that I will never forget, when the manager came,
he started talking like nothing has happened. immediately he said: what do you have? come on, get out the worksheets, and he started talking. Mr. Obeed took the microphone and said" you were late, and the existence of an excuse does not prevent an apology" if you have been busy and you were late, you have to apologize. And he did, he apologized to us. Mr. Obeed became a legend to us. why we couldn't say a word, what Mr. Obeed have done? he has asked for his right in a polite way. if any manager found Obeed everywhere, he
wouldn't be late again. but, if he found Yaser, he would dare and be late cause there is no deterrent for him. Allah says " whoever pardons and makes reconciliation" Abu- Al-Otheimai (RIP), the one who pardons and doesn't make reconciliation, his reward isn't due Allah. he has no reward, we always forgive, we forgive, we forgive, no, I can quarrel with him because he is at a red traffic light, and I do not forgive him. and I and him go to the traffic police, and they take him into custody, and I and him can go to court.
maybe after I give him a lesson, I will forgive him. I forgive and fix it is supposed be a kind of reconciliation, or a kind of expression, there must be some kind of deterrence, and you must say your opinion, and to talk, this is what we are going to talk about in self-confirmation self-confirmation isn't a normal culture but rather is the core of religion. there's a line in Quran, many people read it and find it difficult. why? they find it difficult because it is based on self-confirmation God says: " if you are asked to go
back, go back" what does "go back" means? to practice my right, It is my right to tell you: come back, here I am practicing self-confirmation. if someone calls you, and you don't answer, there is no problem. someone told me, if someone called me and I didn't respond, I suffer from electronic paralysis. I asked him how? he said: I don't open Facebook Twitter, or Snapchat because I am afraid he'll see me online. He says: By God, I am afraid of the mobile phone, I am afraid that he will touch it and he will know that I
exist. brother, you are exercising your right. since I don't have an appointment with you, it is my choice to respond to your call or not. come back brother, I told you to come back, look at the greatness here: God says: " if you are asked to go back" and you accepted his self- confirmation., then you are great. the strong personality accepts others to confirm their self. and he does not get upset, and he does not see him as fierce, no no, he practice his right, but this verse is not easy. Qatada (RIP) says: "some immigrants
say: I have been trying to abide by what came in this verse all my life, but I could not". it is not easy, to be told to go back, to come back without being bothered, this is not easy, so Allah says " that makes for greater purity for yourselves" because it is not easy. it is not easy to reject people. it's not easy, you call me many times, and I keep making a busy busy choice, and then I don't come back to call you, some people embarrass themselves; they are standing beside you and they call
you to see if you respond or not. Why you are examining others relationship with you? the one who examines others relationship with him loses first. let's talk about self- confirmation which is considered as a psychological Islamic culture. why self- confirmation isn't common? for many reasons, firstly, becaouse of choosing to be silent and it is a shame to speak in our societies. so in our society and in schools, do teachers like who confirm their identity? no, they don't the prize of the top student for whom? it is for who don't hear, don't see, and don't speak.
however, the one who argues, negotiates, advices you and criticize you is the unwanted. even if it was not in a positive way, Mr. Khaled, do you know why? becaouse our duty is to improve their attitude not shut this behavior. on the contrary, let him ask, teach him to ask politely, and do not forbid him to ask or to speak. although the Mohammad (pbuh) said: " let him speak good or remain silent." What is the first option? at first, he said to speak not the other choice which is to be silent. so, the pervasive culture of
silence kills self-assertion. secondly, traditionally, people view the ones who confirm their selves negatively. they call him greedy, selfish, aggressive, and a show off person. when the child starts to love his self, and expressing it strongly, he starts to listen to people calling him different nicknames. he begins to hear: O selfish, arrogant, no one loves him, no one accompanies him, and on the other side, he sees the puppet, cringing, and the obedient, and how people are celebrating this attitude. if someone asked: Who brings us water? you see the first one to get up quickly and get
the water. and how people are celebrating this attitude. and when he realizes that practicing his rights and self-confirmation brings misfortunes. so, he does not want people to be angry with him. Thirdly, to over respect elderly people wither an uncle, or a father, or a neighbor, a stranger, a relative, a manager, or others. exaggeration, not respect Muhammad, (pbuh), said: "he is not one of us who does not respect the elderly". we mean it's not respectful, if you don't say your opinion it is not a sign of respect if you don't ask, or not to give your
opinion, or to repay the insult. it is not necessary to repay the insult by words. but when he insult you, show him a mad body languge. get upset and mad, be silent. don't accept it. so, first: the exaggerating the issue of great respect, second: we have a culture of silence and promote it a lot. third: it is customary that he who asserts himself, people do not like. all this leads us not to assert ourselves, but what are their impacts on on life contexts? No. one: on the religion, in brief, the one who doesn't confirm himself,
the law of promotion of virtue and the prevention of vice breaks down. he cannot enjoin good and forbid evil, and his motto in life is: the Prophet Mohammad (pbuh) said: "Whoever amongst you sees an evil, he must change it with his hand; if he is unable to do so, then with his tongue; and if he is unable to do so, then with his heart; and that is the weakest form of Faith". the one who have no self-confirmation chooses the third, the weakest. he makes it the first choice, and there are no other options for him.
Allah said: "ye are not to sit with them unless they turn to a different theme: if ye did, ye would be like them" if you don't deny, don't reject, don't speak, then you are like them. why? because you have no self-assurance, some women when they go to a wedding and hear some music, she rejects first by her heart. this is not a true rejection. Sofian Al-thawri says: "I see the evil, and I couldn't speak, I urinate blood". This is the rejection by heart. when the human couldn't reject by action or by words. his heart is
squeezed, and not a word is said: I am not satisfied. he who has no self-assertion accepts gossip and vices because he cannot stop them. so he doesn’t reject or prevent or speak. firstly, it is a problem on the level of religion. second, the problems of self-confirmation on the level of work. it will be a hole where you and your colleagues are thrown. and you will work in something not of your business. and you will handle the mistakes of others. you will say yes to everything till you hate your job. and the toughest is when the
source of your income became the source of your ache. your boss, colleges and everyone will put you under pressure, because you always accept, and we will decide on it later, God willing. This is in the item “the effect of work on weak self-affirmation” also, it effects the emotions negatively. any human being who has weak self-confirmation has difficulty expressing his feelings. he finds it difficult to say sweet words, and to express his love. to express your feeling isn't a movies culture, but is the core of our beliefs. our Prophet (pbuh) said: "You will not enter Jannah
until you believe, and you shall not believe until you love one another". that the person loves, and expresses this love one of prophet Mohammad (pbuh) friends said" I love somebody, did you tell him? he said: "no". he said: "go and tell him". he is the one who should listen you find the father complimenting the mother when she is not around, and vice versa when she is there. either he is ashamed or stingy, but he does not tell her, people usually complement the absent and do the opposite them when they are around. Why we don't let
sweet words come out? here in Najd there is a weird idiom means that something must happen to you that's how you know I love you. why expressing our feeling became limited in hospitals and in cemeteries? why we wait to something to happen to express our emotions? how many people have lost their parents and wished they had said I love you to them? with his actions or his words, I remember when I was in high school, me and my brother we were arguing who is going to give mom a ride. my mom said: did you finish?
the one who don't service me when I am alive, won't cry when I am dead. if you love me do me a favor. if you want to express your feelings, do it by your deeds and your words. and what you have in your heart and I don't know, is worthless. love in the heart is like the perfume in the bottle. It has no value unless you spray it. spray, let me enjoy it. talk nicely. let it be a tradition in your family that you show your love. we'll talk about love culture in the family, and
the weak self-confirmation. other problems from the self-confirmation of the level of education. how many people understood wrong, and was shy to ask the teacher to re-explain for him. or the student cannot negotiate with the teacher. by saying I fear him, or I was shy. that's why the shy ones won't get education. the one who fears couldn’t learn. on the level of raising, we will talk about it and on the level of our relationships with others. a weird rule: that is self-confirmation is the glue of our relationships. People think if they prove themselves, they lose their
relationships. but no. the finest ones are the ones who are straightforward. the one who is honest. the one that you know he is mad when he is mad. and you know he is happy when he is happy. the most troubled people are those who don't know whether they are happy or sad, and those who say "okay" to everything. so you live a colorless life, not knowing where you are going. notice, if the boss was weak at self-confirmation and so did the employees, this what their meeting going to look like. according to Peter Drucker, people in
management are two types. he says one is like a hawk, if you ask him to bring something, he will do it no matter what. and he does what you need in his way. they call them hawks. he can't work following the instructions and guidelines. the other type according to Peter is like the duck. The duck wherever and whatever it does the ducks do the same. if it walks, they walk, if it stops, they stop. however it does, they do. Peter says some of the employees is similar to the ducks. Usually, the one who has a
weak personality, is he surrounded himself by ducks or hawks? no ducks. the hawks continue to complain and insult, and this is not what he wants. he wants people to be like minions to him. low self-assertion looking for ducks, this man has a weak self-confirmation in work groups, his ideas will be stolen, his ideas, as well as his projects. it will belong to others and will be said by others. these are problems and this is not better. is it possible to express your ideas without being unfaithful? say your ideas, and apologies in a polite way. This
is also another problem from learning problems. all the student looked at him when he said" could you please repeat it, I couldn’t understand it" this is especially at the end of the class when it is almost finished. if someone has self-confirmation and sees all this aggression, what will his reaction will be? no one care with, there is sometimes pressure from peers, as they tire you out if you want to prove yourself. these are some words to ruin kids' personality in self-confirmation. firstly: you shouldn't love yourself because you'll be selfish. they consider self-love to pollute. it
is not right to desire everything, otherwise you will be greedy, this is pollution. thirdly: you shouldn't act normally. this raises a child who is excellent in acting. I will give an example from school. the head of the class stands next to the door of the classroom, while the students are acting normally, then he shouts: he came. who has come? the teacher. that means change your behavior, previously you were not polite. the teacher came and told them, today we have a visitor which means act properly. in other words, don't be yourself. the teacher come, and he
says: the visitor came, you must be very politely. we are not ourselves; we have to act and to pretend to be others. When the visitor comes, we respond politely until the professor's face is whitened, and therefore we are not ourselves, because our nature is not good from the point of view of others. we do as what they want, not as what we want. then the visitor is impressed from our attitude, your school is excellent, we will call the education director. then the school director comes to the teachers and students, and says to them: the director
of education will come to school, be polite. Then the education director come and gets amazed and says: we will call under-secretary. and the teacher told them to behave well. you aren't supposing to be yourself; you should act in order to make a ceremony. we act as the Undersecretary wants. the ceremonies that held at the end of the semester in schools, are capable of destroy all the principles since the beginning of the semester. why? the student listens to the achievements of the school, he becomes wanting to enroll in this school.. he won't believe that this is
his school, because of the amount of fakeness and overdose. what people sees is something different from the reality. the smiles between the teachers are conditional ones. the student vows to return to his normal behavior after the visitors leave the school. he knows that they are deceiving each other. And the student is observing all the attitudes that says that the one who is acting like himself isn't good. as a result, people tend to be not themselves. the living room (that is a part of the home), where you can move as you want. suddenly, it turns upside
down. they say: be attention, what's wrong!? a group of visitors are coming. visitors?! ok, what should I do? go, drees well, take a shower speak and behave well. move like this, walk like that. why, there are men coming. so, the picture of men is magnified. then, his parent's consents became associated with his behavior in front of these men. then he starts to fear meeting men. Then we ask him to be a man. how he will be one of them? how do you want him to be a man, after turning the guest room into a cave
inhabited by ghosts? does that mean to let them behave wrong in front of them? no we gradually teach him to be a man with whom he loves, his uncles or near friends for example. to learn with them and from them and among them, to be a man. many men cannot communicate well. it is a battle of communication. you should speak and reply. some men can not fight, if they say to him: come we will go to a funeral, he wouldn't know what to say. he would be walking, shaking hands to one and not shaking to
others. don't you think that after he do this, he'll think he's a man. No, he'll feel petty. he wishes he hasn't come. because he doesn’t know what to respond or what to talk. I remember one young lady fears women's councils. why? her Mom came back from Al-haj, and they told her "May God bless your eyes.". she didn't know what to respond. she responds with a silly answer. the women there started to laugh badly, so that's why she fears them. once upon a time, someone was in a school trip and wants to be a man. we
gave them coffee without dates. and he said: "sir, you should put dates besides it" and pronouncing the dates wrong. there were boys usually go with their fathers, so they began to laugh at him, so did the teacher. he asked them: why are you laughing? don't you know the meaning of this word? they said to him that this word is not correct, and the correction is such and such. After the boy has graduated and the boys still calling him "dates" so far they are calibrating him. poor him, not because he is weak, but because he was
in a situation he can't deal with. you shouldn't commit mistakes otherwise you are idiot and a loser. I went to a school where they were writing on the wall, "yes to the Right, and No to the Mistake". I told them; folks, that schools were made for mistakes. if we didn't have mistakes, schools wouldn't exist. this phrase isn't correct. from my point of view, they should write" Yes to the Right, and No to the Intentional Mistakes". "Yes, to the Right, Yes to the Mistake, but No for the Intentional Ones". even in the holy Quran, there is
a difference between "Al Kkati" and "Al Mokhti" “Al Mokhti” is the one who unintentionally do a mistake. While “Al Kati” is the one who knows the wrong and still commits a mistake. "for Pharaoh and Haman and (all) their hosts were men of sin" {Al-Qasas: 8} they intentionally commit the mistake. look at the hadith " By the One in Whose Hand my soul is, were you not to commit sins, Allah would replace you with a people who would commit sins and then seek forgiveness from Allah; and Allah would forgive them" islam doesn't want us to be
angles. it is not correct to commit mistakes, no you shouldn’t intend to commit the mistakes. the definition of the educational problem. when someone shows up and says my son commits a mistake. he considers the mistakes as a problem which is wrong. not every mistake is a problem. in one case the mistake could be a problem, if it contains two things: One, if he knows the mistakes and still do it. two, if this mistake leads to a barrier in his life. a barrier means that it leads him to other problems. however, if it was an attitude
that he doesn't know it's a mistake then it is not an educational problem. or it is an attitude that is a mistake but doesn't lead to other problem in his life. for example, a women came and says that her son plays Sony a lot and considers it a problem. I asked her how he's at school, she said:he is the first. and he memorizes the Quran in the mosque and return home quickly to play. then where is the problem? I said ti her: choose two hours for him to play. she said: even two hours I don't
want. here, the problem doesn’t lead to other problems. it didn't affect him in his study or in his health. It didn't become a barrier; however, she stopped her son from play. after one week, she called me and says that her son started smoking, Although the boy is in the sixth grade, she prevents him from playing, so he started to go out with boys older than him. he sees them smoking, and he grab the leftovers from their smoking and smoke like them. usually, the problem that don't lead to barrier turns to a barrier. I remember someone
tells a story. he says there is someone who has long beard. it didn't bring him problems; he is living his life. when he is driving and turns his head, you could see it. I asked him, when you are sleeping, do you put your beard on the blanket or under it. the man replied and said, honestly, I don't know. days past and they have met again. the man told him it is because of you. Abu Waleed asks him why, what happened. he says, last night, I put my beard on the blanket it makes me feel hot.
I put it under the blanket and still makes me feel hot. obviously, the problem that doesn't lead to a barrier when you focus on it, it became a barrier. let us finish this part. you shouldn’t express yourself otherwise you are rude. you shouldn't be proud otherwise you are smug. once upon a time, we were on a trip with students from Majmaah. and you know on our way back, every two boys are talking. so, I wanted to use the time in an educational way and we will benefit along the way. I asked each one to tell
us the positive things in him. then, we're all going to say the good things about this person, Then the second, third, fourth person, and so on, By God, folks, anyone was standing, he couldn't find one thing good about himself. but when I ask him what are the bad things in you, he starts counting. because he used to hear them, the good things are hard for him to find. but the strange thing, when the other boys started showing off each other's goodness, almost everyone on the bus started shedding tears. while one of them heard that other
people praise him, he was surprised, and some of them rose up, he was not believed, the situation is not normal, because we are not used to giving the opportunity to present the positives and negatives of others, and express our feelings to each other. these are the words common in our daily life. And how they could affect our sons badly. let us see the roots of the problem. before talking about the causes of the problem. if we talked all the session about self-confirmation. there will be some misunderstanding. should I confirm myself in front of my dad?
meaning, if I don't want to not tell him, should I not tell him? what about my boss? he might hurt me. to extent should I let my children confirm themselves? the rule in teaching an attitude is like a planting a tree. do you trim the tree before you plant it? or after planting? we plant it, and as it grows, we prune it if it deviates from its course. But if I pruned it before I planted it, here's a problem, it may die, so we will talk about self-affirmation in terms of cultivating this behavior, without politeness,
if we are able to get it, and absorb it, then we begin to refine it. we will talk about when to use it and when not use it. at first, we will introduce it as a rule, then we will make it neat. when the self-confirmation problem started in education? the baby is born and able to express himself using his language which is crying. he has no language, and can't talk. his language is crying and his words are screaming. his feeling of achieving is by talking and being selfish. he doesn’t give, and it is impossible for
him to share. he is born with a feeling of achieving. He feels like he owns the world. his hopes are high, and his has no limits for take everything. he sees everything belongs to him. our house, our care, and our supermarket. his father is the strongest, his mom is the most beautiful, and he is the best. he lives like this, and he goes to the mall and sees everything his own. and all the candy in the market is for him. as well as the candy between people's hands. Dad I want this, his father says to
him: this is for them. the child says: I want their toy, I need their candies I want their car; I want their clothes. he thinks the world is his kingdom. Days pass, and we began to shrink this space. no, no, no, this is not yours, this is not good. no, no, shut, then he feels a kind of suspension. and he owns nothing. then this child who used to want all what people have, he turns into the child who looks at their parents and needs a nod of acceptance to take his right, if someone gives them
candy. after he was one day feeling that what is in the hands of people is something of his own, we narrowed the space for them, and made them a weak character. does that mean to let them as they want? the answer is no. the upbringing is all about two attitudes. if we always say no no, it results into one of two things. either a child with no personality. Either a submissive and weak child with no personality. this child won't be creative. or he'll be a stubborn and aggressive child. either to rebel on the no, or
he will be silent. there is a third type, and he is the most dangerous, which is the dodger, who is led in the face, and in secret he is stubborn. he can't face you because he will get a no. so he became an elusive, tire people and even his wife when he grow up. so, where is the maturity? maturity is when you are balancing between yes and no. one boy came to the Prophet Mohammad (pbuh) and sit on his back while praying. in the greatest thing and in front of men. and in front of Muslims
in the greatest pillar of Islam. Mohammad (pbuh) bows down for a long time to the extent that his friends became worried. so some of them raised their heads to see what happened? did revelation come down to him? he finishes his prayer and says: "no such thing happened. but my son was riding on my back and I did not like to disturb him until he had enough.'" he prays longer for the need of a child. and on another situation where Mohammad (pbuh) prays fast. his friends were asking why? he said: I felt petty to child crying
because he needs his mother. so, he fastens in his prayer for the need of a baby. fulfilling the needs is the method that raises Anas, Al-Hassan, Al- Hussein, Moaath, Ali, and Zayd. so, we have stubborn and weakness. Mohammad (pbuh) who fulfilled their needs and was patient till the child fullfiled his needs. The same person who took the date from the child saying (put it down). imagine that you take a piece of candy from a child, after the child took the date and put it in his mouth, the Prophet (PBUH) grabbed it telling him that we
don't eat the charity. if our upbringing of our children is based on the idea: what are your rights to take them? and what are your limits? we are raising a mature generation. the limits and rights are built in yes and no. now we are going to talk about building and destroying. how to destroy and build in your son's personality, by meeting the needs and correcting behaviors. this matrix is as follows: first, you either give you sons what they want. or don't give at all. second, you either correct their mistakes and criticize them. Or you don't
judge them at all and let them do what they want. these contradictory attitudes result in 4 types of parents and of sons. the first type is the balanced child. he has a balanced personality. everything has its price. if you do mistake, we stop you. if you ask for something, give it you if you are in need. it is built on yes and no. a lot of "no" makes him feel deprivation. and a lot of yeses makes him spoiled. the first is corrupting, and the second is deadly. this is the spoiled son. second, fulfilling desires and
not correcting behaviors.. this spoiled. We always give we give, and we never hold him accountable for anything. sometimes we don't hold him accountable for something not because we love him, but because we don't want to take responsibility for education. when he keeps nagging, we give him what he wants. this brings up a child who takes everything and not being corrected. this creates a spoiled boy. the third type is the deprived child. he is being corrected and not taking anything. and the deprived child has indications, my dear, for example, when he goes to others' house, he's
thirsty for everything. never seen anything before, rejoicing in anything, broken, you give him but he doesn't take, because he is not used to taking. And he doesn't feel worthy. he feels deprived, he is a deprived child. this type and the following one whose behaviors are not corrected, and whose demands are not met, this neglected child, I have met the exchange student. the deprived student gets drunk and did all the sins and did all things except studing. because he is deprived, he wanted to fulfill his needs. he is a man from the outside but a child
from the inside. we should raise our children to confirm their self. to ask, to shout, and to reject. we should teach him how to ask for his right politely. let them speak but don't deprive them. the stubborn child is a blessing from God. Because he has independency. he says no, and he rejects. the Prophet came while a boy was sitting on his right and "old men" on his left. why did he said " old men"? to imagine the big picture: a boy, and old men, not ordinary men. on his left are great men such as
Khalid ibn al-Walid, and on his right is the boy. who does this? and in the hand of the Prophet, (pbuh), a mug, so the Prophet asked the boy first, and said to him: “do you give me permission?” because Muhammad (pbuh) is just. he asks his permission because it is his right, and he sympathizes with him until he embarrasses him and gives him permission. the boy said, "I will not give preference to any one over me as regards my share from you, O Allah's Messenger (pbuh)!" he says no, to tell us, to write it down through
history as a rule: the boy said, "I will not give preference to any one over me as regards my share from you, O Allah's Messenger (pbuh)!" the Prophet (pbuh) then put that container in the boy's hand. Neither I nor you will be of greater kindness, taste and upbringing than the Prophet (peace be upon him). and no more honorable person will visit you than Khalid bin Al-Walid. if someone visits you and your children is there. you must treat them well, so you'll gain the respect of the people, and you will gain the character of your son,
if we is raise our children on confirming their self, we will tire while raising them, but their lives will be easier. but if we suppress them, their upbringing will be easier, but their lives will be difficult. so you have the choice either to build or destroy in this stage. reactions, either a disease, or a medicine. if someone visits us and your child has toys. and my friend's son wants to play with your son's toys. Usually we tend to go with the visitor side. isn't it unfair to our sons? this is his right, if you want
to be generous with your visitor, then you should give them from your right. you should ask him first if he wants to share his toys. this is why prophet Mohammad (pbuh) wasn't generous using the right of Anas. he asks him first, because this is his right. thus, if you want to save your son's right negotiate with your child, sit and negotiate with your child, even if your head hurts, education is not easy, education needs to be tired, you need sacrifice, and you need patience, if you think that your son is your biggest project in life.
that will make you proud now and in the hereafter. if your child was good, he will ask for forgiveness to you in the hereafter. then if you consider it your biggest project, you will be patient and candle handle the build and destroy his attitude. till he became the son you want. reactions, my dear, when the child came screaming, because he was playing and fell, when they play with him and hit him, whatever the problem was, his toy broke, the accidents happen to our sons daily. the responds of the parents to their children, either it is
a cure or a disease. how? sometimes when the child fall, we turn to be one of the four. The sympathetic one who, taps on his head and comforts him. the other type is the one who asks a lot and want to know how, where, who and why. or we turn into critics, the moment the child shows up we start blaming him. I told you not to play with them. what about the blood he shed? the harm, the blood, the pain,what about them? you are my parent, who will stand with if you don't? the hardest thing
is that your source of comfort becomes your source of fear. if you fear your parents, who will make you feel safe? it is similar to who put pressure on the clutch and press on the break. the result: the machine burns out. you are his source of safety, if you become his source of fear, then his educational mechanism will destroy. He will have no personality. how we should deal with such a thing? we should deal in this order: if my son came and he is hurt, or he is crying we should deal with him like the
following. first, you should sympathy with him, and asks him what he suffers from. when you sympathy with him he will be calm and when he is calm, you go to the next step. you start asking how this happened? why didn't you do this and that?... query stage. if you have collected the information Then you go the next step where you criticize him. the difference between the critic and the advisor, is that the critic talks about the past. and the advisor talks about the future. a critic is like blaming a child: didn't I tell you not
to go with them? and wouldn't you do that?... I told you not to go, I told you not to play with the bottle. after we finish the criticism, then, you go to talk about the future. next time, don't you do this. this is in future. and if you could fix thing happened in the past, go for it. if we followed these steps, then our children will trust us, Because he will secure your reaction, and he will disclose everything to you. when the boy came to the prophet (pbuh) And asks him to permit him to commit
adultery. this boy dares to ask the prophet, because he trusts him. when we follow theses steps, our children will trust us. and they will confess everything to us. many harassment cases increase because the child couldn't tell their parents. children have a technique in hinting to their parents. give you a little info if your reaction is great, he hides the great information from you. if he came and said my brother smokes and the parents were like, what, he is smoking? in fact he wants to tell you that his friend is smoking, but if you react too
much, he will shut up. I am afraid to tell you the truth. how he will trust your reaction? any human you can't guess his reaction, Then he has a problem in dealing with people. you don't know weather he will be sad or not, or he will accept it or not. he has psychological problem. however, if the child says my father will accept this or don't accept this, this child knows the method of raising children, and he knows your reactions well. this is the reaction scale. I wrote you in the notebook, what happen if you, were
only sympathetic, when you are just inquiring what happens? if you're just a critic, what's going on? for example, if you were sympathetic only your son in the future, won't tell you everything. and he won't complain about anything to you. why? because you did not solve the problem. if he hit his car, and you sympathy with him, this won't solve the problem. you only have words, no action. his brother was hit in the school, you only sympathy with him without any action. if you were only asking how and why this happened to him, you are like
a judge or like a journalist you ask and do nothing. and if you were like a critic, he won't tell you either. cause he won't be the blamed every time. and if you were advisor, this won't solve the problem. you didn't sympathy with him not you ask him what happened. sometimes a child tells his father: Dad: they hit me, and his dad tells him: okay, next time, don't you play with them. you didn't ask what happened. that’s why children don't like these methods. we have four results and cases here in education: the first one is
spoiled and weak personality. the second one is following or stubborn personality. The third one is feeling of fear and discomfort. and the fourth one is maturity. the first case is a result of parents who always says yes. the Mom and Dad are busy, and they are giving their children whatever they want. you have your iPad, the money, and you can go where ever you want. but don't you bother us. this environment produces a spoiled and weak son. the second environment is the family who says no. the third environment is the one causes fear. it is
between yes and no. the son is free, and it is the worst environment. the son wishes his parents to told him a no. imagine, you walk in a place where there are no signs. you are free to go right or left. however, if the car horn suddenly sounds, that frightens you. but you don't know if you're walking right or wrong. When we say you are free, "they think that every cry is against them". he doesn't know if he's walking right or not. the fourth environment, which is maturity, has a yes, no and you are free.
it is like the transportation signs. if it is a green light then you go. if it is a red light then you stop. if it is a yellow light, then you are free. whether to go or not. it is the same when you want to buy a perfume. every one has his own preference. you are free to pick whatever you like. if I want to buy a bad thing then no. but if I want to buy a good thing then yes. if you alternate between yes, no, and being free. this will produce a mature personality.
To what level we can intervene in saying yes, no and you are free. in five levels the first stage where 90% of choice are yours. you choose whether it is a yes or no. in regard to studying, health and praying, he has no freedom in it. in the matter of prayer, you are interfering as an educator in judgment. 90% on you and 10% on him the second stage where 70% of the choices are to the parents. and 30% for the child. regarding meal time and the times of going out and sleeping. maybe, in meal time
(the family separates on dates), in these times meal time is decided by the parent. these days we only see each other if the internet was off. so, the meals part should be classified in stage one, Where there is no concession, the third stage where 50% of the choices are taken by the parents and the other half are taken by the child. This regarding the type of food they are eating, planning to travel. there is no fast food, no fries soft drinks are prohibited, as for the rest, whatever you want, your input here is equal, 50%
50%. the fourth stage where 30% of the choices are taken by the parents. and the 70% are taken by the child. this is regarding how he spends his money, his room décor. your role is to guide, not confront. the fifth stage where 10% of the choices are taken by the parents, and the 90% are taken by the child. this is regarding what type of food he eats, how he studies. some of the boys study while he is upside down, let him study, don't bother him. there are some people who even control the way, their children
play. and how he acts with his friends. you only intervene in 10% of the children's choices and you give him some recommendations. If we follows either the first or the last stage this will be a problem. look at this cartoon, the tree is bowing. It is written, "When he grows up he will adjust, he is a little boy, when he grows, he will be better. he didn't harm us, no, he did. May God help us because of the prayers of our parents. we can be better at least emotionally. then, he grows up, and the tension
increases. Ibn Al-Qaim says: "most of the problems of young because of adult irresponsibility" when someone shows up with a son who has problems in teenagerhood. this means this child was neglected during his childhood. this is similar to those who secure their bags and tie them well while traveling, so if storms come, the bags will not be scattered. then he bypasses the storms. but if he does not, the storm of adolescence will scatter the components of the character. so it is hard to correct the attitudes during teenagerhood. Thus, who wants his child to be good, he
must work on it since childhood. so, when he goes into adolescence, our duty is only to reduce friction and not change the path. the child before became a man he must pass a milestone. in this milestone, he must face many things. some of them want to go from childhood directly to be a man. so, he goes out with his elder brother, he smokes, and even flatter with girls to prove his manhood. if he was raised well during childhood, in this milestone, we will correct his path. and fully change it. but if we didn't intervene, this
milestone won't pass easily. then he grows up and pluck out the tree. there a n educational rule that says: " time don't solve the problems" time won't sweep the floor and put the sand under the carpet, then he says: the room is clean. actually the room is not clean, the room in my eyes and yours is clean. sometimes we see our sons as men, while others don't, that why time don't solve the problems. Some of the attendences are women and may are mothers and grandmothers. they might have a point of view about what I am
saying. Ibn al-Zubayr says: don't you force your children on what you've been following, since they are a creature of a time that not yours. your experience in raising and the relation between what is happening now is much different from the past. the hardest milestone for the educator is to move from one generation to another. you and I were born in the past, while our sons are the generation of today, they are completely different, thus, we find difficulty to deal with this generation. this difficulty wasn't there during our time. now, there is a rapid development in
technology. back then, you lock the door on you son, so, you can protect him from every thing bad. now, even if you lock his room, all the bad things are between his hand. so you better let him go, if you go to the streets, you won't find anyone. you don't find 50 players playing football. and go into a fight, they're all in their homes. Rasing children isn't an easy process. if we followed the same techniques used in the past. in this time, this won't help. this is a joke, a women wanted to change from her
husband. so she didn't make dinner. her husband came back from work. and asks where is the dinner. she said, go to the restaurant, and tomorrow there won't be wither until you know my value. her plan has worked. her friends were asking: where are you? since two days we did not meet you. she said: "I went to Makka". they asked how? she said: "my husband took me". I have a good plan for you. she said: "in the first day I was upset from him, but there is no gain, and the same with the second day, but
in the third day, he couldn't handle it. he brought me a ticket to Makaa". her friends told her: "this is a good strategy" one of her friends was absent for one week. her friends asked her where have you been. she said: I went to Al-Sharqia. they asked her how. she said that the plan has worked. the third friend said: this plan is working. she was absent for two weeks. Her friends were jealous. they said, there's no way, she has gone to Istanbul. she came after two week and they asked her where she was. she said
I didn't see anything in the first two days. in the third day, I started to see in my left eye. he has slapped her in the fact. because not all the experiences can fit to all groups of people. for example, my experience with my son. isn't not necessary to work with your son. so, in upbringing, we must deal with every case individually. we take the rule and break it down, so, in upbringing, we must deal with every case individually. we take the rule and break it down, few pedagogical rules are like family socks. I mean,
it works for everyone. there are words like a punch in the face. if it was said to us, or we told it to our sons. first, you don't understand. this is underestimating his powers and his abilities. secondly, you can't, sometimes we say it indirectly. like when the boy tries to hold something. And you tell his brother, no you go he isn't that strong. let him try, thank him at least. and his brother destroying his self-trust by showing off his abilities. thirdly, they'll make fun of you. and considering what people say, what will people say about
you? shame, shame, shame shame, it is the first seed of human hypocrisy. there is a difference between impoliteness and mistake. the mistake can't be done nor in public or in private. unlike the shame thing, it could be done in private. if you say: this is shame thing, he says: Dad: nobody watches me. it is still a mistake.but you Dad saied to me: it is shame, not it is a mistake. so, the word mistake and forbidden makes the human used to the God censorship. while the word " shame ", will underestimate him and destroy his confident.
because it relates to people and what people think of him. most of the problems of the teenagers, is that they don't accept themselves. Why? because in his body, there are parts, where grow faster than others. the boys' nose grows faster, and the girls breast grows faster. the boy's voice changes, and he begins to smell, for both of them, the thigh became long. and the waist is small. this is a sign of unbalanced body. so, it is normal if he holds something and he falls, it's normal for them to shake, it's normal for them to hit
walls, then we say: you blind, don't you see, why!! God has created him like this. so, he can't accept the new changes happening in his body. and you call him, oh, you have gained height. the boy will be embarrassed. some of them don't want to be older. because when he was younger, they accepted him and used to eat from his plate. but now they are disgusted to eat after him. they used to hug him, and no asks him to have a bath. and calling him nicknames. so, the teenagerhood became the dirty stage. and the stage
where the child doesn't accept his self. Some of the teenagers act like children. in order to have their privilege. when the teenager wants to be with men, they tell him he stills young. and when he goes to play with the children, they tell him you are a man. he got lost between these two phases. the hardest thing on the teenager is to accept himself. he sees that his nose getting bigger is a problem and the girl sees her breast getting bigger is a problem. it is normal for girls to look on the mirror for long
time. we should respect this and let her do it. the boy stays in the bathroom during the teenagerhood sometimes for 10 minutes. or for 30 minutes. this is normal, don't you knock at him. don't think he is doing anything wrong, if the teenager stays in the bathroom for long time. this could be a sign that he has no privacy in the home. usually, he has his sibling in the same room. or the door opens and closes a lot. some parents put cameras in their son's rooms. so, it is normal to have his privacy in the
bathroom. Allah says: "even thus were ye yourselves before, till Allah conferred on you His favours" nothing comes fast, raising up needs time. some people want their sons to be men so fast. this is similar to someone who pulls the plant, in order to grow fast, yes, it is become longer, but the roots still in the ground. there are characters that are in their first stage. like the dates, they have four stages: first there are (besir\khelal) then (balah), then (rotab), then (dates). Al (besir) is the green dates; it is not sweet. so, to harvest it before
its time, isn't right. so, these characters are the same. they were assigned to be men before their time. this is a problem, many people have it in fact. moreover, regarding accepting the self. Their are details between the girl and the boy. the more you ask about your son, the more he feels untrustworthy. and the less you ask about your daughter, makes her feel neglected. when you don't ask about where and where, you daughter went, she will feel that you don't care about her. and if you ask a lot about the son, he will feel that
he is untrustworthy. so, ask about the boy less, and ask about the girl more. this is one of the rules that don't fit to all of the family members. the sixth one is, don't say a word. this will make him feel weak and unappreciated. if he was appreciated, then you've let him speak. the seventh sentence, "against your will," whether you agree or not. this is a harmful phrase. there is nothing obligatory except the rights. the eight one is, who told you to do this. this will ruin the boys' initiative. Also, “who told you to tell
him”? “who told you to do this”? this is a stroke of entrepreneurship "who told you to open up to him"? "who told you to do"? "who told you to do"? the last, "nothing works with you". this will make the child unappreciated. the (continuity) in upbringing is harmful. word: never, can't, it's all over, and the worst and the most profound of them: to say to him: “I washed my hands of you.” because it is a description of the present by bringing the past, and generalizing the result to the future. often the son who feels that his
father has washed his hands of him, he does not correct his behavior. some of the parents thinks he knows a lot. he doesn't talk to his son. and when you ask him, why don't you talk with you son for 2 months. he replies that prophet (pbuh) didn't talk to those who didn't show up in Tabuk battle for three months. who told you that method of deprivation a good one? He said: prophet (pbuh) uses it. it is effective only if there is a value from your upset. Prophet (pbuh) upset has a value. "they felt guilty) to
such a degree that the earth seemed constrained to them" one has 35 years old, told me: one of the most beautiful four months in my life. is when me and my dad are on a fight with me. my stipend is always on the table, I go to school, and no one aske where and when you go. my friends come and go and no one asks. why he is happy? because his father has no value in his life,this deprivation became a gift. the house become a hotel for him. then the deprivation method doesn't work with everyone
and every time. let us take this and move. do you face someone who hates to be complemented? he gets frustrated or embarrassed when someone praises him. what does this mean? this stands for many things. first, he feels that he doesn't deserve this. and that they are sympathizing with him. and considers it a lie. Third, he used to regard people as the source of his pain. and when they turn to the source of his safety, he is troubled and rejects them lest they reject him first. because he is used to people degrading him, he predetermines his
reaction to them: I don't want it. so when they praised him, he is no hesitating whether to want them or not. this kind of disturb stress him, so, he doesn't need them. he is afraid that if he accepts them, they will reject him and cause him pain. these are some of the reasons of why children hate to hear someone complementing them, the child has a problem with self-esteem. do you ever face a child who hides? and wait you to find him? this child has no feel of appreciation. he hides to see if anyone will miss
him. and if not, this will be a problem for him. and if they find him, they will punish him. thanks to my mom, she has raised me well. one day, I hid in the closet. and I put many clothes on me, so they don't find me. I fell asleep. All of them were looking for me. in the house, on the roof, at the mosque they couldn't find me. so, theu called the police, My Mom gone insane. so, she went to grab some clothes. she wanted to go to her family. and she found my leg. she
was very happy to the extent she has hit me. what was the punishment of the the hoopoe in Soliman's saying? "I will certainly punish him with a severe penalty, or execute him, unless he bring me a clear reason (for absence)." what does:" punish him with a severe penalty" means? some says: it means that I will give him to someone who don't appreciate it. if your son is in his house feels he's not being appreciated. this is similar to punishment. I have a chapter in my book named "hellish attitudes" which is taken from hell. and practice
it with our sons. when your son come to you and wants to talk. and you shushing him, this is a hellish attitude. this is an action of hell people. and we do it to our sons. "Nor will it be permitted for them to make an excuce" { Al-Mursalat: 36} guys, unfortunately this behavior we do with our children. If one of them hits his brother, we say to him: you are strong, strong!! this is a behavior that deters the people of Hellfire. "Taste thou (this)! truly wast thou mighty, full of honour!" {Al-Dukhan: 49} this is an
insult in the manner of praise, a harsh way of raising children. we often do this with our children. and we don't know the consequences of it. when the son feel he is appreciated, he will do two things, either a poisitive or a ngative thing. the positive feeling is he either listens to his parents, because he wants to be accepted. is this a correct attitude? no it isn't. one of my sons, his self-esteem was normal because he was a child., I traveled for one month. his mom told me, his uncles, his kindergarten are complementing him. I
told her : " God's best condolences in your son's personality" people usually complement the one who listens to them. this is a kind of low self-esteem the son it makes up for something positive from others. or he wants to draw attention in a negative way. he starts lying, stealing, smoking, pretending and hallucinating. The children discover that the first behavior has slow impact and has no response. while we are sitting, and a child sitting with us. they aren't like oh, you are good, Mashallah. he stands and sits down and no one is talking to him. he
wants them to talk to him. so, he breaks something to notice his existance. so he discovers that draw attention in a negative way is easier and he decides to adopt it as a way of life. it is supposed that the child has a value without limits. we should give him attention because he is our son. not because he is helping or working. I want to conclude in this. some people are sacrifice themselves and say yes to people and no to their self. he says no to his needs and yes to the other's needs, and even
sometimes to his aims, health religion principles. and he calls it preference and good manners, regardless of the name, this is wrong. there is a difference between when you sacrifice because you love him. And between you sacrifice because you want him to love you. there is a difference between when you sacrifice because you love him. and between you sacrifice because you want him to love you. the first is a matter of love and the second is a matter of humiliation.
